school is hard.

I was a horribly unpopular girl in school. Maybe the word wouldn't be unpopular, maybe the word is non existent. I was non existent in school. I have a keen sense about people and their moods which was most likely born out of my alcoholic parent headed household. There is a lot of watching when you're in a home with an angry drunk. My keen sense of others allowed me to avoid the radar of scorn or popularity. I was relatively invisible.

It's hard to make friends when you're invisible and the other invisible friend I had became highly visible when she found herself using various drugs and later pregnant. This was somehow frowned upon at Seaholm.

I remained anonymous and invisible until finally I was released from that hellish existence.

There is a little girl in Madison's first grade class who I can not stand. I know she's just a first grader and it's not nice to have negative feelings about a child but that's why I am not a teacher.

Every time I work in that classroom I find myself gritting my teeth and trying "not to see her" when she raises her hand.

Her: *Hand Goes Up*
Me: *Hey! What's that in the hall...I'd better check.*
Come back in.
Her: *Hand Up Again*

I try to be nice and I try to help but she and I don't mesh well and she is a sparkling reminder of why I abandoned that early education major.

Maddie doesn't like her either and we've had lots of talks about this little girl. Talks where I think to myself, "Of course you don't like her! Jesus did you notice how she......." but then I catch myself and realize that's horribly inappropriate.

Instead I started telling Maddie how it's okay if she doesn't like this little girl. You don't have to like everyone. In fact you can hate some people with a fiery passion, but even if Star Jones and George Bush are in your first grade class you have to be polite to them and treat them kindly.

Maddie mentioned how this little girl doesn't have any friends and even though I totally know why she doesn't have any friends, it broke my heart because as I've said I was invisible all through my schooling.

I told Maddie about my last years of high school where I didn't have a single friend and how hard it was to eat lunch in the orchestra room everyday. I told her how maybe it didn't seem like she could be friends with this particular little girl, but maybe she could leave her mind open to it. That maybe this little girl didn't know how to be friends and she needed help to learn how to be friends.

Just like I needed help.

Apparently I sent my teenaged heart to school with Madison in her back pack, because the next day at dismissal Maddie hopped up to tell me that she "Told Mrs Rutherford that we have to be nice to Sarah* because my mommy didn't have any friends when she went to school and it was really sad for her."

I'm so glad Mrs Rutherford knows how I struggled through school. No really, I'm glad.

*Made up name.

Comments

[Ken]

You are a great mom.

[Phil]

Oh, jeezus -- sound of heart breaking. That's wonderful what you and your little girl are up to.

When my best friend and I were in our early twenties, I asked him if he had ever avoided being friendly with "unattractive" women at school, for fear that they would latch onto him because he was the only person paying them any attention. Response: he never had that worry because he spent all his time trying to be with women he *did* find attractive.

God, the world can be a horrible place. Ugh.

[anne]

i'm sorry, because i know this was mostly very sweet, but i just laughed and laughed and laughed. because on the one hand there's the empathy (i was "the girl nobody likes" in junior high school; by high school i'd taken to spitting and shaving my eyebrows, so i didn't care anymore)... and then the other hand punches you with the "my good intentions have been made public in a rather awkward way" and that's when i started laughing.

which i really needed, so --thank you.

[jenB]

firstly, i understand the lonely angst of school and your lesson for maddie was very sweet.

second. that star jones site is EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG IN THE WORLD! MY EYES MY EYES!

and you are totally my friend now. lets go eat lunch by the bike racks or in the penalty box of the skating rink.

[sweetney]

high school lunches alone in the orchestra room? been there. (well, except mine were in the library, but whatever).

i think by the time mina gets to, say, middle school, i'm going to have to be admitted to a psych ward, as my social anxiety *for her* will be such that i might need to be physically restrained.

[emily]

I can't imagine you lacking for friends.That's an oxymoron.lol
At least those days are over!

[coffeegirl]

You are an awesome momma. That story made my morning.

[elisabeth]

school is hard, but damn, parenting is so much harder. I have yet to figure out how to leave my insecurities aside when my 2nd grader tells me happily that she choses to eat lunch alone because then she doesn't chat and she has time to eat all of her food. SHE is fine with it, but hearing the words "I ate lunch alone" makes me heartsick.

My oldest (who is having her first "friends" bday party in years tonight) is a geek, she is smart and funny, but doesn't make friends easily. I look at her and think I want her to have it ALL, without the bullshit, and I'm thinking that it will get tougher before it gets easier. This is reaons #833 why I drink!!

[Psycho Kitty]

Aw, Melissa. But you totally did the right thing. It is freakin' hard to put aside those gut dislike reactions. And the teacher is probably used to getting second-hand true confessions. Still, I will totally drink an empathy marg for you.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

If I become a teacher, I'm gonna do 5th grade so I can kick all the mean kid's butts.

[Dan]

Nice post.

I know a bunch of teachers, including my wife, and believe me they are quite capable of disliking kids in their classes. They just learn an advanced version of what you're teaching your daughter.

As for Star Jones, that's one link-click I wish I could take back!

[Ninotchka]

What a great Mom you are, Melissa. :)

[Robin Alexa]

Cute story.

[MonoCerdo]

This was magnificently written. I realize that a lot of people tend to don the rose-colored glasses and get all sappy and nostalgic for their youth, but I have NEVER wished to return to my days of compulsory education. School is hard. So hard, in fact, that I often think I should rent out a plane and write it in the sky: FEAR NOT! THIS BULLSHIT IS ONLY TEMPORARY!

[heather deeeee]

i just had a conversation with a friend yesterday about how in highschool i was never in with the cool crowd,
until i started dating one of the cool crowd guys. and then the cool crowd had even more reasons to hate me. retarded.

i think the best thing, for me anyway, is that i realize now that those years may of shaped me, but after the fact, i realize that college was more important to me. it's where i really made strong friends. that's what happens when you go to film school...all the nerds are together in their nerd glory, and we bond over kubrick films and tokes. lord.

[CursingMama]

You're such an awesome mom. I would love to be more open about my socialization issues with my children, but no such luck. Instead I just worry about them making the same mistakes I made and turn my stomach into knots.
Hopefully Maddies teacher will actively help Sarah* make some friends.

[landismom]

One of the things that I find most difficult about child-raising is when your children take something you say as if it came down off the mount with Moses, and they are your first disciples. Especially when it's something you say in a teachable moment like that one.

There is no place for cowardice in the ranks of the parenting.

[Marnie]

You're so much better than I am. I have the same reactions as elizabeth said above: Every time my near-4yo daughter mentions some sort of 4yo pre-school social issue, my mind and stomach lurch to my ugly-braces-no-friends-no-social-skills-unpopular-jr-high days, and I want to home-school her.

[Rebecca]

I love how you can make me laugh at our shared hate for Star Jones in one sentence and then fill my eyes with tears in the next.

You are a best mother in the world. Adopt me? I might not whine like a preschooler, but I can drink them under the table.

[Amy]

I am a teacher and I do have one girl in 4th grade that makes me want to climb up the walls. She doesn't have any real friends, just some kids are nice to her because they know they are supposed to be. She's irritating and clingy and loud. But I have to ignore that. I have to notice her when she's being sweet and smart and funny. Thank goodness she can be those things sometimes. Otherwise I'd go crazy.

[Kel]

Great post. I would have been one of those "popular" kids wishing for invisibility. Queer issues, don't ya' know... I was the perfect child (good grades, easy to be friends with, a doer for everyone, dressed "right", etc.) so no one would ever guess the truth, most especially me.

Isn't this why we have kids, to get to relive those moments in a hopefully better way?

Kel

[SuzanH]

Oh, god, the Star Jones site. The horror, the horror.

I hate popularity issues with kids which seem to start so early, and I especially hate when I don't like a kid because I am not good at hiding my feelings. Working in the classroom or having a playdate can exhaust me.

My daughter is 8 and it just about kills me when I ask her who she plays with at school and she says "My imaginary friends". She's happy with it, but I want to go kick some child-sized behind.

Parenting is draining.

[Linda]

Been there, done that. From Kindergarten all the way to the day I graduated!! Bravo, for what you said to your daughter. Perhaps this little girl that no one likes has a problem? I know my son has very little friends because he is very quirky and ecentric. Of course he has ADHD, ODD and PDD-NOS (on the spectrum for Autism). A little first grader doesn't understand why they are not liked, put yourself back in her shoes from when you were in school.

[Sarah]

If I were the mother of Sarah* my heart would be so thankful to you for the talk you had with Maddie. It would break my heart if my little girl needed help making friends.

[kim]

Dang...look how popular you are now! You are the comment queen!

[Y]

I LOVE this post.

And I have to tell you. You are a better mother than me, because if Star Jones was in my daughters class? I'd tell her it was ok NOT to like her, AND it was totally ok to pull her weave out any time she felt like it.

God, I hate Star Jones.

[Gen]

I'm just itching to know what it is that makes Sarah* so odious? Is she loud and obnoxious? Belligerent and rude? Farting, burping, nose-picking? WHAT?? Horrified fascination wants to know!

[Suki]

Omigod, Star Jones..."I'm the author of the only dictionary that defines me." Could she be any more pretentious or full of herself? Ugh.

Loved the story. It's such a struggle to fit in, heartbreaking to hear that kids are dealing with it at such a young age. You sound like a terrific mother, rock on!

[sarah]

After lots of thought about this very subject, I've decided that the girls who were least popular in middle school make the very most best mama friends now. the rock-star popular ones? they're the ones who tell you things like, "it's a good thing you had a miscarriage, because you probably will lose your cute butt after your second pregnancy" (*note* real comment by real rock-star friend).

the not-so-popular ones? those are the ones who cry with you on the playground because your kids are holding hands unprompted. they're the ones who shop at the Goodwill Bins with you and will never look down their noses because your child chose to wear his monkey tail from his halloween costume to the coffee shop. they'll always sit with you even if your baby is snotty and your hair hasn't been cut in 18 months.

[LisaV]

Melissa you are a good mom. I think Maddie is so lucky to have you.

I can't believe you didn't have the fat girl or smart girl or any of those high school lepers see this wit and wisdom inside you. You really must've been invisible. I had all the drama misfits to hang out with. And Mormons. With my mouth I attracted Mormons, WTF?

Anyway I can't write about this on my blog, because I don't want my daughter (fake name Mary) to know it affected me. She is a fairly popular kid at school, but she is shy, she wears buttons that say "Bush Sucks"(I will need to let her know about Star Jones) and the like, she is 13 and a little offbeat. She mostly hangs with boys. Anyway last week they went camping in school, and one girl said to another "Why is Mary in our cabin? I wish Brooke was, Mary is creepy and weird." Mary was sitting right behind her. Mary said "What did you say?" and the girl just said "Oh nothing." I work in that school. I now want to kill the girl. But I just assured Mary, the girl didn't know what she was talking about and ignore it. I wish you had been here to give her some wisdom like you did Maddie. I just wanted to give her revenge techniques.

[Corey Moser]

Great post!

[Maia]

Strange.. had the same situation come up here this past week. The girls commenting on a girl in their class who has no friends. So we asked why and encouraged them (they are twins) to be nice to her.

The teacher picked up on the sentiment and called, told me a bit about the girls (very sad) home life, thought it wonderful the girls were being so nice to her, warned me she has lice (great) and while the little girl would make a nice guest she did not recommend our two going to HER house.( Shiver. ) So I encouraged them to be friends AT SCHOOL.

Big hearted hubby picked up the girls today after school and invited said girl over, Monday. Warms my heart really (but the fricking Lice better stay PUT!!)

[kelly]

Eesh, were you me in school? Non-existent. Yes. That's pretty much it. Great job encouraging Madison to stay open.

[Ada]

I was one of the popular ones (for racist and close-minded reasons, nothing I did - trust me) and I remember the non-existant ones.
I wanted to be non-existant soooo badly.

[SueFromOhio]

<-> My bad attempt at giving this post a HUGONGOUS SMOOCH!!!!!!

Melissa, you are awesome and I agree with everyone...which is probably why I wasn't popular, I'm Non-confrontational...hmmm, wow is that a word? You ROCK, Melissa!!!!

[Sara]

Thank you for that post, you are a spectacular mother and I know I'm not the only person who thinks that. Thank you for making such an effort to bring another strong woman into the world.

[Sam]

This is exactly why you would have made a perfect teacher.

Truth is, teachers are not perfect and my favorite ones drink. So you would have fit in just fine in the Lounge...

[Julia]

This made me cry.

Of course, I am a little drunk, but...

Nice. Nicely handled. Nicely taught. Nicely written.

[Strizzinator]

High school sucked. I would never go back, well okay maybe for lots of millions of dollars I would. maybe.

[Sarcomical]

awww..aren't the little ones just precious with their spilling of personal information and innocent repeating of things that go on at home?

seriously, it sounds like it did help her, though, and that is the important thing. i think the funny thing is that most people seem to have not felt great about themselves in school. don't you wish we all would have known that back then? ;)

[Priscilla]

I agree that the other little girl's mother would be so thankful to you if she knew of your discussion with Maddie.
Great job on teaching your child how nice it is to just give someone a chance even if the other kids aren't.

[WannaBeMom]

Okay, as a fellow grad of Seaholm, I feel your pain. It's hard to explain the school to people who weren't there. I was lucky that I had fellow geekish friends who I still love today, but I still feel SHS might have been an extra cruel high school. And I love your sweet little girl who listens to you oh-so-carefully.

[Kat]

I want you to know that I come here every day to eat lunch (in front of my computer) with you. You always make my day.

How can we get Cafe Press to sell wine glasses? I want a set with your design on it for my moms group. :)