The house is talking.

I'm starting to feel like my house is nothing but a ticking time bomb waiting to plummet us into financial ruin. I swear I hear the house speaking to me all night.

"The furnace," the house whispers. "It's older than even you. It's going to die."

The oven, calls menacingly from the kitchen, "I'm malfunctioning!" (It began attempting to ignite WHILE IT WAS TURNED OFF on Sunday afternoon.)

The sewers continue to hold untold damages and it looms heavily over my head.

On Monday morning I was expecting three mothers and their collective seven children to my home. My toilet broke. Contrary to popular belief I don't live in the nicest part of town. There are many things to love about our part of town, walking distance to downtown restaurants, shopping and the library. There are other things which are not as appealing, like the transients. The renters all over. The lack of young families. Most of the moms I meet in Max's preschool live in lovely homes in lovely neighborhoods and I feel insecure about where I live in spite of myself.

It just doesn't help my insecurity about my home when I have to tell the moms, "Hey! I have to manually flush the toilet for you!"

Awesome is what it is.

Two playgroups (one involving quite a few bloody marys) in two days leaves a mother feeling a wee bit exhausted.

I am so exhausted, I can't even get a buzz so there will be no drunken ramblings yet. However, I will tell you there is are bright sides to my spouse being out of town.

I can read in bed as late as I want.

I can post to my blog. In bed!

We have a full sized bed, so having it to myself is like having a queen!

When you know you're responsible for everything you plan your day accordingly instead of hoping your husband will be home from work in time to decide what to feed the children, you just do it. (Which leads to....)

"How about cereal for dinner kids?!" (It does have vitamins, so stop looking at me like that.)

I don't know how to talk about my kids and how much I love those little fuckers without sounding like a stupid cliched Hallmark card. But some days just run so smoothly and make me feel like I'm actually doing just fine as a mother and even though I'm insane and ambivalent and sometimes I feel resentful and overextended....I'm doing so many of the important things right and I'm blessed with really good kids with their own faults, (just like everyone) who I'm so proud of.

I just don't know how to say all that on a regular basis without coming across trite and vomit laden.

Today I worked in Maddie's class and I had the distinct impression that her teacher felt sorry for me.

Comments

[MonoCerdo]

I know this is about 5 posts old, but I thought of you in the Hallmark store today. I was purchasing my $10.00 cards, when the salesperson asked if I'd like to sign up for the Hallmark Gold Card. I told her, "No, thanks. Not today," at which point she looked up and said, "Are you sure?"

Yes, thanks, I'm sure.

Otherwise, I hope you're keeping a Thermos of Sierra Nevada on the nightstand with you, because if you're sleeping alone, you might as well be drinking in bed.

[AK]

Thank God - I thought I was the only married person on Earth with a full size bed - I get many "are you crazy?!" comments about the old bed I inherited from Aunt Frieda when I was 16. There are many mornings when the two kids are smooshed in between us - but it's perfect for learning new songs - "one rolls over and Mommy falls off and bumps her head."

[Maia]

***** whisper... **** get everything you love out of the house and then **** whisper**** TORCH IT!***
(sorry, just one of my fantasies as we get this old timer up to snuff...)

[Ada]

Ahhh, you can sound trite and vomit laden anytime. I love, love, L.O.V.E. that paragraph!

What a great way to explain the love you have to your kids - "insane and ambivalent", "resentful and overextended" and yet keeping mind that it's the "important things" that matter and that you're "blessed with really good kids". Yet, you can keep it real by understanding that they have "their own faults, (just like everyone)" and that ultimately, you are "proud".

I'm clapping and spilling my gin all at the same time.

[Linda]

Hey. Wednesday is hump day. We are over the "hump" and the hubby comes home on Friday. Of course, my dog starts to vomit on Monday, the compressor goes out on my 1976 original to the house Frigidaire, and the matching 1976 stove sits right there just waiting, humming the Jeopardy tune...
Mush On!

[LisaV]

I actually enjoy it when my husband is gone sometimes. Like you said, I just do what needs to be done without the expectation he will see what needs to be done and help out. In other words, he's not a big fucking disappointment when he is gone! I will pay for that remark over and over, I am sure. One of you will find a way to get it to him or my sister in law, and then when I ask him to bath the kid or set the table or find shoes, he will say, "Aren't I too much of a disappointment?" or something snarky. My marriage is doomed now, doomed.

What's wrong with cereal for dinner? What's wrong with Apple Cinnamon Cheerios for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Maybe one or two times a month. Not that I would do that.

[Katy]

I had a RGD (really good day) too yesterday and I was totally basking in it. I mean we were practically a Thomas Kincade painting and then this morning started out completely FUBAR and I'm all "Huh"? It's frustrating to feel like we're operating in FUBAR mode most of the time and the RGD's are just sprinkled in like so much parsley in a bowl of fucked up pasta. I was TOTALLY under the MISTAKEN ASSumption that the RGD would be the norm. I'm constantly asking myself what am I doing wrong and what can I do differently to make the RGD the norm. But I'm coming to the sad realization that it's a myth. I feel guilty being sarcastic and having an edge all the time, I want to be trite and vomit laden, really I do. It just doesn't seem to be my reality. Which is why I like coming here. Anything that alleviates guilt AND makes me laugh is, as the fallen and resurrected Martha would say...a good thing.

[heather deeeee]

my furnace has been talking to me. well, at least it makes loud noises that wake me up, and then i analyze it in bed at night. i wrote a whole post about it yesterday. (i am now "in between jobs" and have a lot of time on my hands. lol.)

i have a full size bed too. but no husband. but whenever someone "sleeps over" i immediately become the bed hog from hell. i think when i eventually get married, we will need a king size bed, just to keep me at bay.

oh, i used to love it when my dad (who was a single father) would be like: "pancakes for dinner?" and me and my brother would be like "YAY!!!". while my dad was thinking "good. or else it was going to be BBQ again". (i love my dad, but it was because of his small range of cooking skills that i taught myself how to cook, and that i am such a good cook today.)

[Zach]

Breakfast for dinner was like a treat at our house. Of course, with my mom it was freshly picked strawberries over french toast. I am starting to appreciate her, finally!

[Texas T-bone]

We've had some sewer problems (the plumber said "negative fall" to describe our old, now-replaced city sewer connection. that means poo is like an annoying relative, it just sits in your house and stinks) and oven problems (you never know how hot the thing is going to get) and potty problems (I highly recommend a replacement, the American Standard "Champion" toilet with 10-year guarantee) and so on ... Ours is a 1964 gem that is filled with love, a warm (queen-size) bed and uneven floors. Be proud in knowing that not all mothers love their children, and because you do and aren't afraid of saying so, yours is a happier home than most. Problemos and all.

[jilbur]

our first home was a similar scenario to yours, all around. Walk to everything, renters, etc. Also the uncertainty about what was going to disintegrate next. That's a heavy to carry, for sure. And while we lived there I felt horribly isolated, and self-conscious about how we didn't have proper grown-up-type furniture and the rest ... it just seemed as though we were at least ten years behind everyone else in the 'being a grownup' thing ... We traded fairly soon thereafter to a different scenario with different things to feel neurotic about. Many of which I snivel about on my blog. I admire you, Melissa—I just do.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

I live in an apartment in fancy town. I know how you feel. Its like "I like my place, but can I invite them over???"

I'm totally about to hop in my car and drive to detroit.

[Amber]

Two words for you: Home Warrantee. I think you can buy one if you already live in the house. I think ours was $300 per year. Our house came with a 55 year old furnace and when it (predictably) crapped out this winter it was fixed for free. It totally paid for itself.

HW also covers all major appliances and plumbing too. Ours is through American Home Shield but if it were me, I would shop around. AHS grouses about fixing the things that are covered, but they do it eventually.

[Amber]

Two words for you: Home Warrantee. I think you can buy one if you already live in the house. I think ours was $300 per year. Our house came with a 55 year old furnace and when it (predictably) crapped out this winter it was fixed for free. It totally paid for itself.

HW also covers all major appliances and plumbing too. Ours is through American Home Shield but if it were me, I would shop around. AHS grouses about fixing the things that are covered, but they do it eventually.

[sweetney]

i hear you on the fear of triteness relative to talking about your kids. personally i find adding lots of expletives to the discussion helps enormously somehow. dammit.

[pinky]

I echo what sweetney said - the fact that you do use just the right expletives makes it much more heartwarming. Then again, I think the liberal use of the f word makes everything better.

(hell, damn)

[ChickenFlicken]

This is what I love about the internet...I'm not alone in feeling like the Black Sheep of Moms with my funky old house and grotty furniture and bed-hair and messy kitchen. And I can find people who give voice to the feeling that my husband is constantly disappointing me when he doesn't walk through the door and instantly see that the floor needs sweeping and the clean dishes need to be put away because I've spent all day bowing to the whims of a 3-year-old.

Also, our 2003 Passat didn't whisper anything before the engine seized. And it isn't covered under warranty. I'm feeling your pain.

[emily]

I feel about my appliances the way you feel about your house.Two dryers and washers in less than two years.What am I doing to those things?Other than washing at least 4 loads a day.
Now the dishwasher is on the fritz.Ah,well.

[dish]

Applicances work together to die, I am sure of it. They conspire against us homeowners. And the best part is when you go to get one thing fixed and you find that it was WAY more extensive that you thought. We just had that happen with some plumbing in our old house. Yeah!

And being the geniuses that we are, we've even got rental property to run after. What the hell were we thinking?

Anyway, between our house, the rentals, and various friends, I've repaired about a dozen toilets. It's actually about as simple and cheap a household repair as you can get (unless it's the actual pipes that are bad, which doesn't sound like the problem if you can flush at all...unless by "manual" flushing you meant using a plunger). In any case, if you want any help- just drop me an e-mail. If nothing else, it might make a great blog topic and give you something to do while the hubby basks in the sun.

[Deborah]

Oh Melissa, it sounds like a horrible day. When your house turns against you it is bad, but when you are to tired to get drunk it is horrible. Have you tried adding more vodka to the Bloody Mary? I have found that on the days when the washing machine breaks, the basement floods and the well runs dry that three shots of vodka work much better then one.

[Amanda]

We lost our heat pump AND water heater 3 days apart...2 months after the birth of my son. Talk about a finacial shock! We still haven't recovered.

I have house anxiety because our house isn't like most in this area. I don't think my neighbors would appreciate our eBay furniture and mud covered walls (we have 2 very large, very active dogs who live to track in dirt!). Thier loss though.

[CursingMama]

Being a grown-up type person sucks quite frequently - when it gets to be to much I eat cereal for supper (really). My mom used to let us have cereal for supper when I was a kid (if it's good enough to start your day its good enough to end it) so eating it for supper reminds me of the days my biggest problem was trying to figure out how the hell I was going to exact revenge on my sister for giving me a snuggy in front of the neighbor kids.

[hez]

With Logan away - perfect opportunity to "talk" on your "phone" as long and as often as you want

[Kris]

"When you know you're responsible for everything you plan your day accordingly instead of hoping your husband will be home from work in time to decide what to feed the children, you just do it. (Which leads to....)"

This is SO true for me, including the cereal part. when I know he's gone for the duration, somehow everything goes more smoothly. I used to think it was his fault but it's probably really what you said :0

[domin8trix]

i've been thinking a lot about buying a "phone". but i'm such a chicken shit.

[Lil' Sis]

I love how you worry about being "mushy" right after you refer to the kids as "those little fuckers." Right on. heheee!

As I read this, I thought of my oven (which doesn't work but I just fry everything anyway" and my refrigerator (which is making very similar sounds to my cat when she's in heat- yet another thing that needs fixing.)and the occasional clawing sounds in my ceiling. And I have a landlord who is supposed to take care of these things. But doesn't. Did I mention that I'm moving? Yet another 3rd World flat to destroy...

Do you want me to come fix the toilet tomorrow? I totally know what's wrong and I've fixed it before. So much for living with boys!

Miao.