In so many words. Oh...God...so many words.

A few weeks ago I went to the coffee shop to be interviewed for a piece in my local paper about buh-logging. The nice gentleman who interviewed me was entirely unfamiliar with blogs (even mine, which we were there to discuss) and I sat for about thirty minutes giving him a probably horribly inaccurate picture of blogs and blogging.

As Max and I waited for my interviewer to arrive I thought I saw Davezilla walk in. Dave often posts odd conversations he hears around Royal Oak and I have been known to neurotically check his site to make sure he hasn't overheard me screaming at my children or saying something retarded to Logan in public. It's one of my irrational fears, finding myself a subject at Davezilla.

I wasn't certain it was Davezilla, so I did not say hello. I wasn't willing to walk up to a stranger and say, "Hi, are you Dave of Davezilla?" Only to have him stare back at me blankly. Instead I behaved as the nerd I am and emailed him after the fact.

He sat behind us and as I discussed blogging with my interviewer I was very worried Davezilla would hear me and reveal me to be the total blogging retard I am. But then, on the bright side guess who we're having dinner with on Friday? Dave and his lovely bride to be, Natalie.

This is all freaking Logan out. Meeting 'internet people' and he has already run through about 30 conversations we'll have on Friday night. The best ones start with Logan saying in a very good Napoleon Dynamite-esque voice, "Hello Davezilla....can I call you Dave? So my wife tells me you have a [fingers]blog[/fingers] and you write [fingers]funny[/fingers] things."

What I wanted to tell you about was the interview and the article which ran on the front page of our little local paper on Thursday.

The article was chock full of errors and inaccuracies, like Logan's new career as a Public Relations executive. You can imagine how shocked Logan was to find himself checking colors on print materials he designed in L.A. last week only to find out he's NOT A DESIGNER!

"Husband Logan is an auto industry public relations specialist."

Also, this while somewhat true isn't entirely accurate is it?

"That's one thing about my blog. Even the hardest things to write about have humor in them. Otherwise, I'd just be a whining crabby housewife."

I'm not just a whining crabby housewife. I'm a funny crabby whining housewife!

I'm sharing the article with you all in spite of it's inaccuracies because I wasn't going to mention the contact I've had with agents until I actually had a book sold. But writing a book is hard. Writing a book proposal is hard. Deciding if I even have a God Damn story to write is incredibly difficult.

I start in one direction and suddenly switch gears and start typing without even meaning to:

"BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! You're not the first ambivalent mother out there you dumb ass. You write a blog you don't write books."

But then I feel myself letting a chance at something big and good and wonderful for me personally slipping right through my hands and it's a feeling that keeps me up in the night and makes my arms ache and I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

('And by the way, book proposals with run on sentences? DON'T SELL YOU IDIOT!!!!!' See? How did I get so fucking mean to me?)

Sometimes I'll be plugging away and I'll think, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I do have a story and a voice unique enough to tell it in a way someone else couldn't.

('My aren't we full of ourselves today!? Wow! Melissa certainly thinks Melissa is pretty awesome!' I'll then think. Also I'll think, 'You asshole, can you ease up on the exclamation points? AND THE CAPS SUCK so cut it out.')

Then I'll move into failure after I do all this work to write a book. Watching as Jay waits for his book proposal to find the right editor but in the meantime faces rejections. Seven or Eight so far. I don't know if I can handle it. Because all the things the rejecting editors say are all the things I say to myself. Maybe they're right I'll say to myself. Never mind. Screw it I can't do this!

(Internal dialogue: "Jesus Christ you are so God damned insecure. You're even annoying me now. SHUT UP!")

So this article is a wonderful thing but the bigger issue is the fact that the book proposal is a load on my head. And it's affecting my ability to write anything here because I keep telling myself, "This is nothing but a personal buh-log and you'll never be able to make more out of it."

The pressure has been maddening and I haven't wanted to talk about it here but maybe it's fair to tell you why I'm letting you all down. Why I can't seem to write anything worthwhile here. I'm struggling to figure out how to do this book thing. To figure out if I can do this.

So now I've gone on and on and I haven't even gotten to the funny part. The funniest part of my newspaper experience was when the photographer came to my house to get a photograph of me. I assumed it would be a picture of me blogging all over the place. Hot!

I came up with some ideas myself. Some set ups which would convey how I neglect my children for the computer all day. For example:

Me, scantily clad, vacuuming with one hand and typing on the laptop with the other. Cocktail?

Me, smoking a cigarette (must buy these), holding Max (who will be crying and gagging from the smoke) and checking my email. Hair in rollers?

Me typing on my computer as a half dressed, slightly blurred and very dirty Max cries in the background!

I think if we make 'Blogging' look dangerous it can only be a good thing. I mean we've seen how much air time the "FIRED FOR BLOGGING" stories have gotten. Blogging could get you fired! Do it at your own risk! But the photographer thought we should go a different route with the picture.

Instead the photographer had me lean over my laptop with my head in my hand, like a Glamour Shot (as Davezilla noted). It was also much like a very bad senior picture and I know bad senior pictures. No I'm serious, look.

But then I knew it was going to be a really bad picture when he knelt down below me seated at my dining room table. Shooting a subject from underneath inevitably makes them look fatter than usual and also adds to the appearance of any extra chins. All in all you end up with a very unflattering photograph and this was no exception. Unless you like looking up my nostrils, then you'll probably love the photograph.

When I told Logan how horribly the shoot went he asked if I'd 'Art directed' the shot. Why yes, honey! Of course I did! Photographers love it when 'Bug loggers' tell them how to do their job!

I was thinking a lot of things while the photographer was here taking my picture.

"Wow, I haven't had a hair cut in a long time."

"I wonder how many chins I'll have in this shot."

"What smells in here?" (I add that one because doesn't it look like that's what I'm thinking?)

But really, here's what I was thinking:

So there you have it. Jesus that was long sorry.

(Internal dialogue: 'What the fuck can't you tell a sucinct story?' oh and then: 'What the hell? Can't you spell succinct?')

Comments

[EFG]

Cool! I'd buy a book you wrote.

I don't know the first thing about what research you've done about agents, etc, but in case you haven't seen it there's a good resource about all things books: http://www.literarymarketplace.com/

[EFG]

Oh, duh. I just read the article. Looks like you didn't have to research since they contacted you! All the better. Sorry to air my ignorance all over you.

[The Zero Boss]

Holy shit. After all this time talking to you, there was one thing I never realized about you until I read this post...

You're HOT!

And yeah, seven rejections so far. But don't worry, I'm waiting on about six more.

[The Zero Boss]

Er - I didn't mean to imply that we've spent hours on end chatting on IM or something. It's just been a few emails back and forth, folks. Strictly book business stuff, having absolutely nothing to do with Melissa being half-dressed.

Maybe I ought to shut up now before your PR specialist husband kicks my ass.

[Robin Alexa]

So my wife tells me you have a [fingers]blog[/fingers] and you write [fingers]funny[/fingers] things

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the laugh.

[Leah]

I would love to read a book compiled about all the ways you and your brother tortured your mother! Those are some funny stories ;)
I like the color of your hair in the newspaper picture.

[Robert]

Good luck with your proposal. My agent wasn't able to land my latest one and now he won't even take my calls. (Not really, but that's what it feels like when there's no good news.)

The fact that they came to you is WAY good. Can't wait to hear about your success.

[Gidget]

Melissa, you are both funny and an excellent writer, and really, I am not that easily impressed. There are probably no more than five blog authors I'd say that about...

[Ninotchka]

KEELER Melissa! Good luck with the book. For what it's worth, I think you look adorable in the picture. :)

[Bari]

I'm going to totally have to go home and dig through my Huntington Woods/Berkley Mirror and see if the article is in it...they must think that it's too [fingers] cool [fingers] for Berkley. Somedays Berkley sucks.

[Lil' Sis]

Did you know that Dave used to work at The Mirror? That was a million years ago, a while before I did. Ask him why he left there sometime. Good story!

I picked up a copy from a writer friend who still works there sometimes (nobody knew you were my sister!). God, that's an unflattering photo! But it's true, your hair color came out more accurate than in most photos. And Ken, who wrote the article, sucks. I like him as a person, but man! I gave him some good scoops and all he ever wanted to write about was city council meetings! How about the mayoral candidate who also ran internet porn sites?! That's good investigative journalism! But the whole paper is crashing & burning. Maybe they shouldn't have fired all their editorial staff.

Speaking of my newspaper exp- why don't you just write stream-of-conscious & let me correct with my lil' red pen? I've done more than my fair share of copy editing & proofreading.

Miao.

[elisabeth]

Book?? Agents??? Deal??? Damn, Melissa THIS calls for a drink! and don't worry about us if you need channel that brain power in to writing a book for a while....we'll still be here drinking when you get done!

[Katie]

I've gotta ask, did Ken M want you to talk about greyhounds (the dogs, not the buses)? As I recall from my days in the Oak, he was really into the greyhounds....

[SueFromOhio]

Wow! That's cool....your photo's ROCKED! Don't feel bad, I usually have my mout gaping open and my tongue hanging out in mine...OR my eyes are SO FUCKING WIDE it looks like I just got goosed by Edward Scissorhands.

(here comes some DOH-hio cowtown humor/sarcasm, bear with me) See, whoever pointed out you live in Royal Oak because it's posh was right. I mean, geesh, I'm sold on the Luxury, daycare, grooming & boarding pet resort...where do I sign up? will they take children?

[Jen F.]

You should definitely write a book...and don't worry about subject matter too much. I find almost all blogs inane and boring (especially my own) but I read yours religiously because you could write about watching paint dry and it'd be funny. Just write about anything and it'll be better than 99% of books out there.

Just some unsolicited assvice. :)

[emily]

You'll write this book,and it will be great.You have a way with words and it won't go unused.You'll find your groove.

[Davezilla]

Next time you see me, just thwap me upside the head.

[LisaV]

Hell devote a whole chapter to head lice and you'll have a best seller. Make sure it's marketed next to the Nix.

This is so cool. I am so happy for you. When it sells there will be bunches of us to say "I told you so." I vote that everyone with a Momtini T-shirt gets a free copy.

Your picture makes you look like a damn hot intellectual with no unsavory odors. You are right about picture angles. I always have my husband stand up and take them of me sitting. Then I make sure my hair is right below my jaw line, covering up my fourth and fifth chins. Days I feel particularly fat, I pull a standin up preschooler half way in front of me. There by shaving off fifty pounds. Then I try to keep my eyes open.

[patty]

Hey! I read blogs on weekends!

Every morning while I eat breakfast, each night if I'm lucky, but weekends are prime time for catching up on any that I've missed during the week.

Congratulations on the future book deal.

[Maia]

You are being WOOO'ED?! That is fantastic! You can be the new and improved, down to earth Erma who is not afraid to admit she slurps martini's after the kids go down (and during some play groups, sniff, the cool kind I am never invited to), you can tell it like it is raising kids in the 2000's. Go for it!
BTW, the pic is beautiful, you look great!
And I knew you when... ;)

[LisaV]

Okay I just went and looked at your old photos. I actually think you were pretty cute, with the exception of the two tone hair picture. Honey I burned all mine that looked like that. I do have one though take in 85 where I look like a drag queen, high hair, tons of eye make-up, ironically my companion in the photo is a drag queen, my first husband. Long story. Someday I will scan it and email it to you. Then you will say why is this woman I don't know sending me shit like this?

My aren't I chatty tonight?

[Maia]

One more thing? I find your blogging is a great read, (or I, and the other thousands) would not be checking you daily. Couldn't some of your blog entrys be a starting point for chapters? Or a 'bits and pieces' book. Insights. Ok, enough said. I'd buy the book :)

[Alice]

How are we going to get you to go easy on yourself? You're just going to have to write drunk. It's the only way.

[LisaV]

Start with Peanut Chicken.

[Dan]

What kind of reporter heads out to interview a blogger without even glancing at the person's web site first?

By the way, those voices sounded awfully familiar . . . .

[Phil]

From a future newspaper article: "Despite idiot interviewer, photograph with mischievous expression catches eye of Beacon Press editor and scores book deal for local blogger. Husband, an automotive industry PR flack, is jealous but then elated as he realizes that he'll get a 'cut' of the royalties. And maybe a little you-know-what from the woman who, you know, really, only has one chin."

[cc]

melissa, i write books and it isn't that hard. the hardest thing is actually doing it, like sitting there and writing 1,000 words and then having your day and doing everything else you have to do and going to bed and then waking up and sitting there and writing the next 1,000 words and then repeating it 100 times till there is a book.

just getting over the mental thing of 'oh my god a book is so long i couldn't possibly do it' is the main effort required. think of all the dumb people in the world who have somehow written books. didn't bill clinton's cat write a book at some stage? surely your book would be better than anything bill clinton's cat could come up with?

[Mary]

Melissa - CONGRATS! I am so happy for you, you totally deserve this!

[SAJ]

Yay! I'll stand in line to buy your book.

[landismom]

Just want you to know that I wore my Momtini t-shirt to the grocery store this weekend, and I got some GREAT looks. Thanks!

[ChickenFlicken]

Sugar, did it ever occur to you that you're being given an opportunity to write a book and get out of your financial crisis? (oof, that sounded really sanctimonious and holier-than-thou...) But really, sometimes the fates are good to us and we need to embrace the challenge instead of feeling afraid of it. Don't be afraid to write a book, look at your following, look at your numbers! Look how many people are interested in what you have to say!! You are funny, you are intelligent, you are CUTE!! and you deserve good things!

Say it to yourself, "I deserve good things."

This hits kind of close to home for me. I've been saying for ages how I'm going to market the things I make to local stores. I never felt confident enough, but then Dooce put a picture of a hat I made for Leta on her site and the response I got was so encouraging. I decided I wasn't going to let myself talk myself out of it. Don't undermine YOUR OWN FOOL SELF!! THere are plenty of toxic people out there who will do it for you, don't HELP 'EM, you fruitcake!

Okay, yeah, this is a little "Tony Robbins", huh? Sorry. I'm rooting for you, though, so don't disappoint all of us who want to see you succeed! High Five!!

[ChickenFlicken]

Yeah, see, that totally didn't come out sounding like it did in my head. I'm not trying to tell you what you should do or how you should feel. I just wanted to tell you that you're awesome and you can write a great book.

I'll go wash away my embarrassment with some Arbor Mist now.

[zbeth]

please write a book. i know it's hard but it'll be so worth it. you and dooce are the only blogs i read daily.

[Sam]

Melissa, I didn't even know what a blog was a few months ago and a girlfriend linked me to Fluid Pudding and from there I landed here and loved what I saw. You definitely have a unique voice and I wish you all the best in this endeavor. And way to go with keeping your eyes open! woot!

[Strizzle]

The funny part, well, that was the funny part. QWrite about some funny parts...you know smoking and dirty kids and cocktails and stuff.

[kate]

Have you ever read Carrie Fisher? At the risk of sounding like a cliched back cover--she's funny, wry, poignant, and sells a ton. Why do I mention this? Because: 1--she also includes some run-on sentences . . . and incomplete phrases. 2--your style reminds me of her. Therefore--you are destined for greatness and the Best-Seller list!

[Sarcastic Journalist]

Hey, i've been on your ass (nasty!) about this book for quite a while. I feel like I'm getting left out of the loop.

Nah, just kidding. Glad to hear you're trying to go through with it.

[Sam]

JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so stinking excited for you! It will happen, the market is ripe for this, you are gifted and I will buy your book and give it to friends as gifts.

But, I also want you to do an audio version so I can listen to it in my new iPod. Who should do your voice? Of course, I don't even know if there is such a thing...I mean books on iPod. I just got up the courage to pull the trigger and PURCHASE/PAY REAL MONEY for Jungle Love by The Time. I mean, who owns this song and for only .99 I better get Bobby Brown "My Perogative," too. And "No Parking on the Dance Floor" and "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" and ...

[Shelley]

Congrats on the agent, and best of luck to you!

[Kat]

Coming out of lurkdom to tell ya I'd buy your book.

I was a little late in discovering the whole mommy/fertility blogland, so I admit I'm part of a new wave newbies that are just starting to blog. But I agree with a previous commenter... there seems to be a sort of critical mass towards this medium of writing... so the time is right for your book. Even though I'm sure writing it will be harder than motherhood, childbirth, and tooth extraction all at once. (I used to work in publishing... being an author is not as glamorous as it might seem, but it sure seems more fulfilling than a desk job.)

And don't worry too much about the length... it's the quality that keeps us all coming back. And at least I know I'm in good company on the succinct issue... I can't seem to write a short entry to save my life.

Good luck.

Kat
Maternity Genes

[coralie]

That's FANTASTIC!

I'll be jostling with all of your other admirers to buy the book the minute it comes out.

[Busy Mom]

Great news, I'm excited for you!

[Kelly]

What a life!! Being able to right books and get rich! Hooray! I can't wait to buy your first book. I don't know how the whole book proposal/agent/editor/ publisher process works but...meaning I'm not sure if your book deal is definite yet. If it isn't definite...don't be discouraged if you get some rejection letters. You DO have a wonderful writing style and many things to say that strike a cord with just about every woman in America. I am so happy for you!

[Cricket]

You do paranoia really well. That plus self-doubt, maybe that would be best described as aggrandized self- doubt? Can't wait to hear about dinner and see you many words you use. And I'll check out his link to cross-reference his (+ wife's) choice of words. BTW, is he pissed that you got such primo coverage over him? Or is he less self-aggrandized that you are, oh pet?

[mamaloo]

besides being RABID with envy (freaking agents are contacting YOU!), all I have to say is HELL YEAH!!

I've been reading your blog for about 4 months and for the entire time, I've been saying to my husband, "Hell, if SHE is not marketing herself to literary agents, I will call her up and offer to DO IT FOR HER!!"

Because I believe in you.

For you, making a living with your writing is not a matter of IF, it's WHEN and HOW.

[AmyinMotown]

1) You absolutely have something to say and a voice with which to say it. I will confess something--when I came across your blog I was at what turned out to be the tail end of my strugle with infertility. And because of that I didn't care for it (hard to hear someone complain about kids when you'd kill for just one--but as so mnay other people have said on so many other blogs, that's the reader's problem, not the blogger's, and if you don't like anything it's not like there's not 10,000 other blogs to read! And of course, now I sooo understand). But, well, you were nearby and mentioend paces I go to as well, and you're pretty funny. So I came back a few times and a couple entries made me laugh so hard I cried. And now I am pissed if there's not a new daily entry. In short, you DO have a compelling voice, if someone like me came back enough to get totally addicted. Now cuddle up with your computer and start a chapter, please--I want to say I read you when. I promise to stand in the aisle of the Barnes and Noble in Royal Oak and praise your book loudly when it gets here.

There is an interesting article in Brain, Child this month about the rise and fall of the "momoir"--check it out if you have a chance.

Also--I was at WAB recently and we were waited on my a vey cute skinny indie looking guy. Could he be--the MIME????

And the Mirror? Oh my. I know some people who worked for the company and OY. VEY.

[Lil' Sis]

Dear god, people are "pilgrimaging" to WAB for the mime!

I am sosooosooooo dead! Now I know what it's like to be David Sedaris' sister!

miao.

[Pam - Queen of Indiana]

I love the picture! Beats the in studio pic I had for my blog article: http://www.intakeweekly.com/articles/4/019283-5604-154.html

I look so friggin' old.

I do advice for you: MILK THIS ARTICLE FOR ALL ITS WORTH!!! I did nothing after mine. I hate myself for wasting the opportunity. People know me more for my stupid ugly no make-up bad hair day surprise cover for the local art school catalog than they do that article. ARgh. Need a drink now.

[AmyinMotown]

LilSis--we actually went for the Winter Ale, the chance of a mime encounter just added a little fun to my evening (I didn't even share with my friends why I kept smiling at our waiter)! And hey, if this guy was the mime he was cute, nice score.

[dana]

Pleeease write a book!! Yours is the only blog I read. Ok, yours and "very mom". Your style of writing is great and I've passed your link on to friends of mine who are also young mothers. Don't let this opportunity pass you by! (Is that a song?) Anyway, you would reach a huge market. Pretend you are writing a blog, while writing a book!! Lots of good thoughts to you.

[Joyce Wiswell]

Have to defend Ken Marten here...he's a total pro and I don't quite see the point of knocking him, or the photographer for that matter. Snarky does not become you -- but, of course, it does make good copy, no?