I can't stop offending people.

So I've obviously been thinking a lot throughout the last week.

I appreciated all the comments and opinions but I think it's important for everyone to realize the 'smoothing over' of things or the 'making up for the sake of the kids' is completely impossible and not even up as an option anymore. It hasn't been an option for a couple of years now.

What is at issue is the breaking of compromises between Logan and I. Our compromise involved me not speaking about the details surrounding the fact that we stopped speaking to each other. I was allowed to say I don't speak to my in laws and refer to the reason we don't speak in only vague terms ("We fought for many years and in the end something happened which was too horrible for me to get over." Or something like that.) This was agreeable to my husband and I until last week when a reporter told the Metro Detroit Area that we dont speak anymore.

At the time the fire of rage came barreling down the phone lines and suddenly our original compromise was unacceptable. I'm not willing to change the compromise my husband and I make simply because my in laws don't like it. It's as simple as that, I don't respond to them. I made my boundary 18 months ago when Logan and I first faced this issue, and I intend, as my indignant rage dies out, to continue on with the compromise we felt was fair and also as far as I was willing to be censored by those people.

At the same time I'm feeling a little bad they don't have an audience to talk about their anger with me in vague terms. So I came up with a couple great ideas. My new cafe press store: My Daughter In Law Sucks. It's just for them. Now they can wear shirts which advertise the same sentiments I do on this website!

Or they could publish their thoughts on the new blog I created just for them. Melissa Summers Is So Mean.

It's like we all win.

Someone this week sent me a wonderful letter she uses (Hello Washlady) to speak about her website with family members. I've used that note and have included it here:

Dear Summers Family,

I take responsibility for what I feel and how I communicate those feelings on my website.  Nothing I've said here comes as a surprise to you, I've said it all to you before. If you are not capable of handling the consequences of visiting my blog and reading what I have to say, then perhaps you need not visit.

I have made two very important and limiting compromises in the past and intend to move back to that model once my current heartburn passes.

I do not speak of specific incidents which have happened in the past between us, however I am allowed to convey the simple fact that we don't speak and we don't speak because of something that happened which was particularly hurtful to me.

Those are my feelings and also the facts of the situation and although those issues are not a huge part of what I write or even who I am anymore, it still rattles in my soul that I went through a troubled in law relationship. My own family is also in a sense shattered because of our broken relationship.

I had also agreed not to send you messages via my blog. I am doing that now, however, since you only talk to reporters and/or my husband but never me regarding this website, I feel it's appropriate to answer your concerns here. But in the future I will continue to refrain from doing so.

When you make the choice to visit this website and read whatever thoughts I have written and shared, which could or could not involve you (and which generally don't involve you), you are consciously choosing to accept the consequences of going somewhere that may not be appropriate for you.  In the end, it is your choice.  The consequences are yours and you can not say that you were not warned. You can not change me. You can not control what I write on this website anymore than you already have. I gave a little and am not willing to bend any further for you.

Please, do not verbally attack my husband with threats and tears because you don't like what you read at this website. I realize I can't stop you from doing that, but I won't do as you wish and you only serve to chip away at the relationship you are welcome to have with my husband and my children. Things have been strained through your actions and our inability to get along in the past, I would hate to see you push things past the point of comfort for all parties involved.

Good luck with whatever you decide,
Melissa Summers

This website has been so awesome this week.

I've managed to fire up my in laws while speaking to a newspaper reporter, and that has been so much fun for everyone involved.

But then last night I came home to an email from a fellow mother from Max's preschool. She was quite angry and upset her little boy was in a picture with Max from their mother goose presentation included in my flickr photos. She was upset because I used the photo without her permission.

I've been thinking about how I made such a poor choice. I found the pretend exchange between the two boys amusing and would have put it in my family photo album the same way.

What I didn't think through is that this website isn't my personal photo album and that was rude. I didn't take into consideration that people can be very funny about their child's photograph being on the internet. I also didn't take into consideration that a whole lot of people find the F word extremely offensive. Especially people who send their children to a religious preschool.

So, once again I apologize to you "So and So's" mom....publically as well as privately and hope that I haven't offended you irreparably because I'm known to do that. If I have I'll be happy to set up a Cafe Press Shop for you to express your feelings about me as well.

Logan left for sunny and warm Arizona this afternoon. He's facing 8 days of fun in the sun. This is what he left us with.

God must be giving him a break after the stress his parents, sister and I put him through this week. I'm glad he's getting a break from that stress (as long as they don't start calling him about this latest post....which they will...but see...I don't care....). However, at the end of day 1 of 8...I'm seriously afraid of how I'll do this week. I'm not good at the solo parenting thing.

Comments

[Maia]

Great letter Melissa. Hoping the message got through. Now let it gooo... deep breath, pour yourself a drink, run a bath and DO NOT waste anymore energy on them ok?

Love the t-shirts, might have to get my MIL one (although blessedly that would be in a jokey way, she is a sweetheart even if no one is good enough for her baby boyman).

Sigh, lucky Logan. Hope he brings home something nice for you.

[MelissaS]

I know everyone means well when they tell me to 'let it go'.

The problem is it's a disagreement that needs resolving, if not amongst all the parties, for myself. That's why I've given it all the thought I have.

I feel comfortable with the decisions I've made regarding this situation because I didn't let it go. Hopefully now I will be able to move forward without having them shake the foundation so easily.

[Sam]

God, what a week you've had. The snow is just the icing on the cake. Unless like my kids, yours are off for Passover too? The bumper sticker & T-shirts are really freakin hilarious. Really hoping this week is better for you.

[Ken]

Oh, that bumper sticker just had me ROLLING.

Such a bargain, too!

[Flippy]

Aw, I thought the picture of Max and his friend was cute. Plus, without any names, why would anyone care? Blech, people. Anyway, I love the CafePress store; is the markup to help with tithing?

[Sarah]

Oh, what a shitty week for you :( My husband is about to leave for another week long business trip, so I feel your pain on that one. And the picture - eek. Unfortunate that she feels that way, but what can you do.
The cafepress shop is great, though I can't imagine the inlaws will be spending much money there...lol.
Hang in there, 7 days to go. I always say I am going for a massage when mine gets home from a biz trip, but I never actually go. Just the threat helps me get through the days sometimes, though (well that, and an evening cocktail or two).

[Tara]

I can't help but think that all the prices are really dates that refer to your inlaws. Was '98 a really bad year?

At least you all say what you really mean. I have a pretty fake relationship with my inlaws.

[veg4me]

If it's any consolation, it's rained here (warm, sunny AZ) the last two days.

[Taamar]

I wish I'd had the courage to simply stop speaking to my inlaws. It would have been better for my son than the tense fake smiles and raging arguments behind closed doors. It would have been better for my marriage, since the arguments forced my husband between us. It also would have been better for me, because they made me doubt myself as a person.

Be strong. You know what's right for you.

[Julie]

I am SOOOOO jealous.
First I had to move 4 states away to get rid of my in-laws.
Then I had to get 5 cats and 3 dogs which prevent me from going with Mr. J and The Boy to visit said in-laws because "who will take care of the animals".
Wish I had just thought of not talking to them---its so easy and elegant.
Its too bad they stress out your hubby with the crazy phone calls.
Love your blog.

[jenB]

i don't know why people are so paranoid about having their kids photos on the web. like someone is going to find them so irresistable that they seek them out, follow them and kidnap them? chill people.

and people in general should chill.

except you, you can do whateverthefuck you want. :-)

xoxox

[buffi]

Melissa, you so rock! The CafePress shop & the blog are just brilliant! I want to be you when I grow up. ;)

[Tamara]

Man, you just can't catch a break. Hope things start looking up soon!

Hey why are the shirts so expensive? I know someone who could really, really use the "My daughter in law stopped talking to me" shirt. Her mother in law is eeeeeeeevil.

I also thought the pictures of Max and his friend was cute.

[Theresa]

Just de-lurking to say that I love the shirts. Do you think you could come up with a passive aggressive version for my in-laws? They would never actually come right out and SAY they hate me, but they show me in so many ways....

Hope things get better for you soon.

[MelissaS]

The shirts are so expensive since I pay for my own blog, I should be paid for the great idea if they want to wear the shirts.

[chris]

Do people just read your blog looking for things to bitch about?

Your in-laws, the MOMs club, now the mother of a kid from the preschool... combine this with those snow pictures and I have never want to venture into Michigan.

Here's hoping that the rest of the week is better.

[BugsMom]

I love reading you, problems, offenses and all. I agree you have compromised enough and should not be bullied by your inlaws who choose to read your thoughts.

Good luck with the upcoming week; I'm sure you'll do better than you think.

[tracy]

Love the merchandise. Don't you need to offer some that anyone can wear, not just your inlaws? Cause the MOMs Club might want some too. ;-)

And I'm really sorry people are telling you to "just get over it" or "make up for the sake of the children." As if you would sever a relationship with your husband's family without thinking it through pretty thoroughly and trying other options first.

[RockStar Mommy]

I have two stepdaughters. And when their mother found out about my site early last year and saw pictures of her two daughters, she nearly ate my eyeballs.
At first, it was a big fight because bla bla bla it's my website and I'm allowed to do whatever I want on my website because it's mine and my life and more bla bla bla. But then I realized that they're her kids and if someone was publishing pictures of my kids on the internet without my permission, I would probably be ordering their eyeballs on a silver platter too. So, I apologized and took them off the website.

It doesn't mean it doesn't suck a lot, like I have to pretend that 2 people who hold large roles in my life don't even exist. But,it was the right thing to do. And so was you graciously taking down the photo of the other woman's son without showing anger.

And I really LOVE how people come to your personal website and give you life advice, as if they know what's better for you than you. As if you already haven't considered every available option and ruled it out. As if you're just some moron that never thought of just "making up" or just "getting over it". Not that they mean to be ignorant, it just comes naturally, I know. But that doesn't make it any less irritating.

[Em]

The bumper sticker is great. I also like the high prices. You should jack those up even more, in my opinion. The HATE should be PAYING YOU. Damn straight.

[WannaBeMom]

Arg-- I have to give a final and I just want to write so much to you right now. Let me try to condense (not easy for me):

1. If it weren't for the fucking snow, I wish we weren't leaving town on Wednesday because I'd have to take you out for a drink. You deserve it. I can hear your weariness, and I, of course, think a drink out can solve any weariness.

2. I know you can't just put it behind you and I *know* how stuff like this sticks. And I know that no matter how many positive comments you get, you'll think of the negative ones. Just try to remind yourself of all the people who are here and who love your honesty.

How's that for condense? Keep writing, girl!

[Psycho Kitty]

Hang in there. You've had a rough time of it.

[MG]

I don't often comment on people's personal stuff, particularly when we don't have a [fingers] "dialogue" [/fingers] already, but...anyway. I had a sort-of similar situation in that I had a friend who stopped speaking to me and then promptly started speaking to everyone else...about what a bad person I was and how they shouldn't be friends with me anymore and how greivously I had hurt her, blar dee blar, etc. I adopted the policy of "tell if asked"...if those friends wanted to know what happened I would try to give them a simple and unemotional explanation. But under no circumstances would I take a verbal hit out on my ex-friend. Not because I am a better person...I am not...but because it would make me look good and make her look stupid. I don't know that this makes me a "winner" so to speak but it made me more comfortable and shut the door on a lot of emotional garbage.

I know an in-law situation is much different and more complicated, but kudos to you on sticking with your policy. You can't control other people, only your reaction to them...you aren't being unreasonable in any way.

End blather.

[Melanie]

How about a "My mother-in-law hates me" bumper sticker for the other side of things. You know, so we can identify each other in the wild.

[stillheidi]

Hey there,
From this post it seems like you are at least no longer scrubbing the kitchen floor. I think some situations are never 'good' or 'settled'.....they are just 'all consumming, must scrub floor, can think of nothing else' OR 'put on the back burner'. Hopefully, for you and Logan and the kids, your in-laws will lighten up so you can keep it simmering on your back burner instead of a rapid boil.

[Melanie]

Of course, that might cause more problems with your MIL.

[MelissaS]

Let me clarify: I'm not at all mad that she asked me to remove the picture. I'm surprised she was so angry right off the bat. She asked to take them down, I apologized and did. I can understand her feelings and simply didn't think about the issue from all angles.

I'm surprised she seemed and still seems so angry about the offense. The offending item is gone and a sincere apology was extended. Blah. I'm having a bad time with people.

[jez]

Forget them. You did the right, respectful thing. End of story. If anyone chooses to carry anger and resentment in their heart over it, let it be theirs. They OWN it - not you.

[nynative]

oh. my. God. I am dying over the t-shirts and bumper sticker! Melissa you are brilliant. Seriously. Maybe your mother in law is just jealous, because you are so brilliant and funny.

Just curious, but are your in-laws freakishly religious (like right wing) or just your average religious? If it is the former, I wouldn't even let my kids near them. Those people are crazies.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

Melissa,

My blood pressure rose from reading that. You know how I feel already as I have told you. I just want to kick some detroit area ass right now.

Anyway, I'm sorry about the newest picture drama. You can post a picture of my baby and put it in flickr and you can make her say something funny. In fact, I'd be honored.

I'M SOO SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY.

if you need someone to call you so you can scream in the phone, please let me know. I know you aren't a phone person, but i've talked to several other bloggers this past week and wow, it really made a difference.

Also? How did that lady know about your blog?

[Dot]

I want a tee which says we love Melissa Summers and hate her in-laws something to that effect. Can you do that for us? You are doing great, like I said before if someone doesn't make you happy F^*k um! Love ya and am so proud of you!

[SuzanH]

That is a suck situation, and there is no easy way to deal. Just realize (as so many people have said) that you are doing the right thing for you and your family, and if they can't understand that (or choose not to) that's their problem.

Good luck on the single parent thing. It is draining.

I hope you are enjoying the 50 degree weather today in Michigan--our snow already melted, and I feel much better about it.

[Alice]

Here's my advice! I have advice which you should follow immediately! First of all: make peace with those in-laws! Secretly they just want to love and be loved! Listen to me! I know best! Also: don't piss off other people! Why do you do that! And: make it stop snowing over there! Why is it snowing? It's April, Melissa! That is just wrong!

Whee!

(Ahem. Sorry, couldn't help myself. I love you, you know.)

[Marie]

Shoot! I went to your in-laws new blog hoping to leave a comment like:' Welcome to the Blogosphere' or something corny like that, but found that they didn't want to entertain comments on their blog. Oh well. Sorry about the mom not wanting her photo of her child on your blog. I can't think of anything nice to say so will just leave it at that..

[Kismet]

A t-shirt for the passive-aggressive MIL (like mine)
Font: "I love my DIL as tho she were my own daughter....
Back: As long as she toes the line I've drawn"

Joke em...seriously. Bitches.

xoxoox
~K!

[elisabeth]

I love the tshirts! I need to send the link to my MIL.....

[mamaloo]

You. Are Seriously. Fucking Funny.

[Gerah]

I kept searching for SOMETHING in your post to be offended by, but, darn! Nothing.

I too am in Michigan, and had a similar scene outside my door this weekend. But, this morning, while getting ready to leave and putting on our coats, my daughter made a very lovely observation, and strung her first real phrase together all on her own: "Mama! Snow - ALL GONE!"

Yes, honey, it is. Thank the friggen Lord.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

Listen to Alice. Also? You need to bake your inlaws some brownies and stop being a horrible woman.

[Stacey]

Girl, you can write. How often do the things you write make me both laugh and cry - often in the space of just a few lines? You are blessed with this gift, and I bless you for it.

And I wish my sister's boyfriend's mum didn't like her, just so I had a reason to buy a t-shirt!

[Lisa V]

Melissa, I heart you. I am sorry something so great- the nice article- turned into something so shitty and got taken away from you. You should have been allowed to enjoy it.
As for the snow, I feel the same, where the fuck is spring? I am REALLY sick of shitty weather.
I hope "this too shall pass" quickly.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

Also, I think you are onto something. How about a "My sister hates my blog" shirt or "I think my sister is embarrassing the entire family?"

Does the SIL one come in men's sizes? Uh, I know someone in my life who could use that one.

Ohh! One more! "Don't talk to me or I'm going to blog this!"

[WindyLou]

I want a t-shirt that says " I can't stop offending people."
Seriously, that's me 24/7/365.

[Janis]

I admire you. Really, I do. Taking a stand against toxic inlaws takes balls. I am seriously lacking in that area.

My MIL needs to be excised like a malignant tumor, yet I keep putting myself out there in the line of fire. I guess I keep hoping that she will change. Yet I have 21 years of proof that the woman cannot and will not change.

She is evil, underhanded, decietful and a royal bitch. What kind of decent (sane) person goes to the funeral for her grandaughter (my child) who took her own life and then asks everyone how we (being her son and I) could have let her commit suicide?

All her offenses are this grotesque.

But I try to keep things on an even keel for the sake opf my husband and kids. The same kids she plays headgames with bullshits. Hubby of course, is clueless about his mother and thinks I make too much of things.

You sound like a wise woman. I wish I could be more like you.

[ck]

De-lurking just to say that you rock, Melissa.

Best wishes for week of sunshine and bliss,

CK

[laura]

I would totally buy a t-shirt that says I Can't Stop Offending People. I'd buy one for everyone I know.

[Y]

I'm sorry, this is so rude of me, but I have to ask SJ something...

"Who in the hell are these 'other bloggers' you are talking on the phone with? I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE."

[MollieBee]

Woah Rockstar Mommy, I have been reading you for a while, and had no idea you had 2 stepdaughters. Guess that was the point, huh? ;)

M-

This whole thing sucks ass. I'm sorry your IL's don't appreciate and love you as much as everyone else does.

I never spent time with my father's family. They made it clear to my mother when they married that she was not welcome. She told them to go fuck themselves. If my father wanted to spend time with them it was fine by her, but she never set foot in any IL's house evah again.

Guess what, it's great not having them around! It never took any skin off my nose. I didn't want to be around people who hated my mother, so when I was old enough to visit on my own if I wanted, I said no thank you.

Yuck. They suck big hairy donkey balls.

[Kathryn]

I stumbled accross your blog and I have been sitting here laughing my ass off for a half-hour.

In order to get away from my inlaws, I had to become a lesbian and leave my husband. Now at least they have a reason to hate me!

Have a good one!

[Sarcastic Journalist]

Y, uhhhhh.....uhhhh....no one?

You're the only one I talk to on a regular basis.

[Wash Lady]

Melissa,
I'm deeply touched that you found my letter helpful.

I have one extended family member (to my knowledge) that even knows that my blog exist. I prefer to keep it that way because I know I would lose some of my freedom in the way that I hang my life's laundry out there on the line or everyone to read. The note that I shared with you was one that I shared with my teenage daughters and my hubby. I told them that I could dump my feelings and rantings on my blog and be emotionally healthier or I could suppress it and wait for it to rumble and explode all over them. They all opted for me to blog. As far as I know though, they don't read. If they do - they don't admit it when asked.

I hope things get easier for you as you navigate this journey. Again, thank you for acknowledging my letter.
Wash Lady

[mommyd]

I have been reading your blog for a while because I relate. I relate all to well. Children, inlaws, former Michigander, day to day etc. I need to buy almost everything on the Cafe Press site for my inlaws. They would love it because that is how they feel about me. Stay strong and darn snow go away because I am coming to Michigan in May and that is why I moved away. Too cold! Love your blog. Just love it.