The Suburban Bliss Clause.

I have gotten two (2) Amazon gift certificates in the last 24 hours. Anonymously.

Fess up. Who sent them? I am beyond touched and embarrassed and all of that.

But mostly I want to say thank you and be gracious and then I want to punch you in the arm for being so nice and anonymous.

Thank you so much.

I know this seems like a really crappy time. And it sort of is, but it was worse many many times before.

At this point, now that my floors are sparkling and I've written a letter stating my boundaries with my in laws. Things are just generally REALLY IRRITATING THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

And when I say "Things" I mean my son's preschool. Ha! Guess what? They're adding a clause to the parent handbook involving publishing photos on websites. I'm going to request they call it "The Suburban Bliss Clause"

I have a clause!

The drop off was uneventful. It was enjoyable in a sad and twisted way to watch 'The Mom' avoid me in the hallway. A complex dance she performed so that we may not pass one another and my evil CHILD ENDANGERING WAVES would not infect her life anymore.

(Note to Pedophiles who may or may not have seen a picture of my son with another child from his preschool. Max attends a preschool of pygmies*. Those were NOT actually children, they were very small adults. You wouldn't want anything with them. So if you were planning on stalking the little boy in that blurry picture....please do not because he is a fully grown, albeit tiny, man. Unless you're a pymyophile...then just gross.)

I can't wait until graduation day when I whip out my camera and all the mothers swoop into demand I not publish their pictures on my website with foul language attached. I'm going to need a shirt which says something like:

"I promise I will never, ever, as long as I live, publish a picture of anyone else's child saying something like "You were so fucking nimble just then", unless I ask first. God bless my soul and amen."

I had every intention of not speaking of this again. And, oops there I go.

Damn it I have more to add but the Gods of concise writing are plotting against me. I just lost the second half of this and a dose of nyquil has already been consumed. I've had this odd cough/cold/congestion since March 18th, the last time Logan went out of town.

(Logan is better FYI and enjoying the heat and entertainment.)

I can't wait for Thursday when I get to perform the Waltz Of Displeasure at preschool yet again.

*The Pygmy Defense comes from Briantology

Who sent those Gift Certificates...please please tell me. I must know.

Comments

[Christine]

I hope they name that clause after you! I can't imagine what in the world that mother wants beyond what you've done. I was just commenting at Java Jenn's site about how women are just catty, and it doesn't make sense.

I wish I could take credit for the gift certifcates. Enjoy them, though!! (And if you figure out who sent them, send them my way! ;)

[Liz in Maryland]

We have a clause! Once my daughter was in a musical theater camp and in the first scene of the second act, she got whipped into the bleacher seats and tore up tendons in her foot. The next year, we had to sign a "if your kid gets hurt" clause, and all the other kids looked at her and said, this is because of you. They are lucky I am not litigious by nature.

[Binsk]

I only post pictures of myself because I was afraid someone was going to cry about it. There are MILLIONS of pictures on the internet...and cameras EVERYWHERE you go. Silly people. It's not like you posted his home address and phone number.

[Melizzard]

My kid's preschool has a picture publishing clause but it goes something like this.

"The kids here are just so darn cute that parents, in general, can't resist snapping a few photos now and then. What happens with the pictures is out of our control. If you don't want your child's picture taken, let us know and we'll try and remember to hide them in a closet during special events."

- Feel free to suggest the same to your preschool.

[Stephanie]

Perhaps the next time you decide to snap photographs you can hand out some of those glasses with the nose and moustache attached so as to protect the innocent...

(Maybe that will appease them.)

[Goddess]

The picture thing is rediculous, really. If you are in a place where you can be seen with the naked eye (oooh, I said nekkid, maybe I offended someone) you have no right to privacy. All pictures taken by you, belong to you. You are not using anyone's image to sell anything, so you are not in violation of anything. Sounds like someone needs to get laid.

[Nicholas]

I did not send them. We are too broke.

This is terrible to say. But isn't there a slight sense of power that someone is trying to avoid you? I've always found situations like that funny.

[landismom]

Dear Google. Please do not show pictures of our town in those satellite photos you put on the Internets.

Dear CIA. Please stop spying on me through same cameras.

Dear local police department. Please stop taking pictures of my license plate as I run a red light.

Dear bank. Please stop taking my picture as I withdraw money from the ATM.

I'm feeling slightly quixotic today.

[kay]

The people around you need some Valium, seriously. Its a fucking picture (notice: I'm using that "offensive" word as a tribute to you). I have no fucking clue who that kid is. . nor do I give a shit who he is. That mother needs valium. I bet she fed that kid Diet Coke in a sippy cup after preaching about breastfeeding. :)

BTW - enjoy the gift certificates! That was so nice. . I wish I could take credit for it but I'm not generally so giving.

[Sue]

Melissa, you write a funny, fabulous blog. So funny and fabulous that you have a lot of readers. And rightfully so. But now that blogs are a part of the media (new, old, whatever), bloggers do have the obligation to be professional. Print publications usually need a release to print photos (of people). I'm sure the parents aren't out to get you; they only want to protect their child.

The rules in blog-land may be ch-ch-ch-changin', but that can be a good thing.

Meanwhile, rock on and know that you write really, really well.

Sue

[Megan]

Oh for fuck's sake - these people need to get over themselves. You took the picture down, you apologized. It's time to move on. Why is it so inconceivable that it never occurred to you that this would be a problem.

I certainly understand the mother's concern, but I don't understand her subsequent behavior. People are just way, way too uptight.

Enjoy the gift certificates - no, I didn't send them, but I wish I'd thought of it!

[brook]

when did we get so crazy? If you want I can send you pix of my kids and you can photoshop them in.....

[Paula in Jackson]

This whole picture thing is crazy. I was just wondering how in the hell she found the picture on your site to begin with. Did she read about your blog in the paper and think 'hmmm, I know her and I've seen her with a camera' and go scrambeling to find the pictures? Has she been a loyal reader for a long time till she saw the picture? No doubt that she then has come back to read what you are blogging and how readers have responded. So, to this preschool mommy I say 'Melissa took the picture down and said she wouldn't post another. Time to be a grown up and play nice in the playground of mommies at the preschool. Remember, your child is watching you and learns how to deal with life problems from you'. Okay, I'm off my soap box. I wish I could claim responsibility for the gift certificates, but it wasn't me either. Wish I had thought of it though!

[kate]

Melizzard--I love that policy! Ain't it the truth?

Now, not having children of my own (yet), the pix on my site are nearly 100% people I know . . . and, who (begrudgingly) anticipate it will be posted for the internet. But, now, after my vacay, I'm thinking "What about all those people standing outside Parliament? What about that beefeater--what if he's litigious? Oh crap! I even took a photo with maybe 1,000 other people in it!"

Good grief . . . :-P

[Wash Lady]

I'm going to step out on a limb here and disagree with those of you who say it is "no big deal".
There are many and various reasons why parents may not want pictures of their children posted on the internet.
I do agree; however, that you removing the picture and issuing an apology should be sufficient enough for the mommy.
I have a friend who is hiding from her abusive Xhusband and she goes thru a HUGE deal with team sports and school websites/pictures in the paper all the time. She will not let ANY pics of her kids in the paper or school annual. Is her situation normal? Nope - but its out there. We live in a very small world and it gets smaller and smaller by the day as more and more people have access to the internet.

I recently had discussions about posting pictures of my kids (which I do and will continue to do)on my blog and got scolded by someone. I don't think she has been back since that discussion either - at the very least she is lurking and not commenting. It all boils down to being willing to take the risk and some are not willing.

And the school's new picture policy??? They might want to consider showing gratitude to you since you helped to expose a shortcoming in their "CYA & Kiss Everyone Else's Mentality"

You just try to keep on keeping on.

[FeelingGroovy]

I am confused - were they more upset about the picture or the caption? My guess is that the Presby's don't throw the F word around all that lightly, and were probably more offended by that than by the actual picture of the kid. Did the clause also ban usage of the word "fuck" in all of it's amusing and useful contexts?

Either way, screw em - you apologized and removed the piccy. Any futher abuse sent in your general is just catty and uncalled for. People like this drive me crazy - don't they realize there are BIGGER problems in the world today???

[MelissaS]

I guess what's bothering the most about this woman's reaction and the reaction of the school is this. Her silent anger seems to imply that I intentionally caused her pain and put her child at a huge risk. The picture was up for 2.5 days. She asked me to remove it I did. I will consider this issue in the future when I make decisions.

I didn't consider it at the time I posted becuase I was thinking from my own personal point of view. It obviously doesn't concern me to have dozens, hundreds of pictures of my family on this website. I was treating her child with the same concern I treat my own children. It isn't my place to make the choice I realize now, but I wasn't throwing her child to predatory wolves in my own mind since I throw my own children to predatory wolves everyday. Ha! See I don't actually believe that I'm exposing my children to predators by posting pictures on line.

As for the school, whenever I try to remind them that I made an oversight and when it was brought to my attention I removed the picture and will remember it in the future, I am lectured again on the dangers of posting pictures of children on the internet. Perhaps I'm simply defensive but it was a simply sin of omission not a mean spirited attempt to harm someone else's child and that's how I feel the situation is being painted by this woman and the school.

Oh and we're one big family....and I guess some of us are tattle tales who run to mom and dad instead of being happy with the result of speaking directly to one another.

I'm still annoyed. Damn it, I thought the running would help.

[MelissaS]

I think the f word is really what's bothering her frankly.

Note to self: tell Max not to use the F word in front of 'So and So'.

[Kismet]

MelissaS= Rebel with a Clause.

Happy Shopping. (no, it wasn't me)

~K!

[LIsa in Chicago]

Oh fuckdamnshit. That's what I always say when I'm pissed and/or trying to offend someone. Usually works, too! Very cool about the Amazon g.c.'s! Enjoy them!
Here's my question du jour: What are these goody-two-shoes moms doing on YOUR website anyways? Evil, evil women...

[RockStar Mommy]

I wish I could say it was me, because I would love to know that I was that selfless. In fact, I would love the WORLD to know that I was that selfless. Which is enough to prove that it wasn't me.

Though the mother of this child whose picture was posted did have every right to request that it be taken off your website, I think she's really overreacting here. I think it's safe to assume she's not enrolled in the Witness Protection Program, so really, your apology and removal of the picture should be more than sufficient. And to involve the preschool? That's just going overboard.

This is why I don't associate with very other many Mothers. I feel like they're just waiting for an excuse to run and start the gossip mill going.

Anyway, hang in there. Hopefully your In-Laws will find something to flip out about in someone else's life to involve themselves with and the preschool will unhatch a new scandal - than all will be forgotten with Melissa. Until then, go shopping :)

[Tuesday]

It wasn't me who went you the GC's but I wish it had been.

[JamieT]

Wow! Your own clause. Do you feel like Dooce yet?

[Psycho Kitty]

Oh, you come be one of the mommies at the Boy's school, and we be careless and piss each other off and then apoligize to each other's face and MOVE ON.
I have a problem with passive-aggressiveness, as a recovering passive-aggressive. You know, like ex-smokers who go around slapping the cigarettes out of other people's hands.

[Psycho Kitty]

Oy. "we CAN be careless". We Be Careless sounds like a 90s band.

[JT]

The saddest thing in the world is how depressed that kid will be when he grows up to find out his mom had no sense of humor, and that he was, albeit briefly, a co-star in one of the funniest photo comment situations I've ever seen.

You are the coolest mom ever. I want to be you. And I wish I'd sent the Amazon certs, but since you don't know me, it would be very stalker-ish and too strange. Plus, I'm broke. But the good intentions are all there.

Have a great day anyway...

[Erica]

Good grief -- you did what she asked, apologized repeatedly, said you wouldn't do it again, and her reaction was to escalate the situation? What the hell does she want? Sky-writing? An ad in Parenting? Her own CafePress shirt?

I'm sorry that she and the school (and the in-laws, and the universe in general) are treating you so horribly. Hang in there.

[Beth]

Please know what I'm about to say is not a criticism at all, but rather a friendly observation and then some. :-)

Sounds like the Offended Mom is going to do what she's going to do, and the preschool administrators are going to do what they're going to do, and you don't have control over what everyone's doing. Now what are you going to do?

My guess is they're not ruminating on this as much as you are, so what you now have is a great opportunity to practice detachment (and/or indifference). Easier said than done, I realize. Believe me, I struggle with this daily. But as I read your recent posts and your responses to some of the comments here, your distress comes across very clearly.

My question to you is this: Why does it bother you so much? All of this will pass, and you seem to be torturing yourself long after the involved parties have dealt with it in their imperfect ways. I wish you could just...be gentle with yourself. You did the right and compassionate thing in taking the photo off your photostream and apologizing to the kid's mom. What else is left to do? Most likely nothing.

I realize you're battling a bug and I also know email is woefully inadequate when it comes to conveying words in the spirit in which they are intended, so please know I can relate to what you're going through, and I hope you're able to let it go eventually for your own peace of mind. Be good to yourself. *hugs* :-)

[MelissaS]

I'm not controlling what they do. I'm venting. At the end of the in law scandal and now I have yet another person staring daggers of anger at the back of my head.

I can stew for a couple of days and then yes, I'll let it go. Also, in case this is your first visit here. I am NEUROTIC! So of course this has me tumbling through my brain. Everything sends me tumbling through my brain. This isn't the first time and it will not be the last.

Stewing is what this blog is for Beth.

But I love advice. Seriously!

[Mari]

I love being a voyeur on all the comments and dialogue here. Very fun - although it doesn't sound fun to be walking in your shoes down the lonely halls of the pre-school right now.

Stewing is fun. Wallowing is fun. Bless you for helping me see that I'm not the only one with a skipped record brain, replaying scenarios and analyzing things to a pulp!

And since you loovvve advice, maybe Mommy So-And-So has been checking your site and reading comments that take her to task, and she doesn't know how to stop this train from...insert lame analogy here. Maybe she's too embarrassed to end the drama here and now.

Maybe...just maybe...you could talk to her. Cross the divide. Then come home and post a happy sit-com closure post where everyone sighs in relief and waits to see what other fucked-up moments we can cling to like life preservers.

New to your blog and loving every minute of it!

[kate]

While Beth sounds to me like a therapist (which isn't a slam--therapists are great! just check out what *i* do for a living), I applaud you Melissa for utilizing an awesome therapeutic medium: writing about it.

And, since you love advice . . . a very wise teacher recently said to me (as I was ruminating about a parent I had to deal with): "'You're crazy, and I can't argue with crazy.'"

(yeah-my 2nd post today. d'ya think I'm working?)

[Brianne]

Enjoy those g.c.s! Hope you find those to 'blame'... so generous of them! Keep on bloggin...

[mango]

Melissa, I have to admit, I admire your sang-froid. Because personally, I couldn't have stopped myself from tracking that woman and asking her why, at her age, she still needed to involve Parents.

Nobody is built the same way. What niggles for one will not niggle for another. That would have niggled me too. And if the woman had been honest, friendly, open? If I heard she was in hiding, I would hereforth do everything I could to help her.

It all comes down to the same thing -- communication. One doesn't need gory details, one just needs to understand the other's situation. You did as much as you could. The rest was / is up to her. If she doesn't want to share, that's her right. But then she should greet you openly and stop skulking.

[emily]

as a note - newspapers are not required to have people they take pictures of sign a release. that is a myth.

[pharmgirl]

Oh Honey.
I truly wish I could buy you a beer.
Keep your head up.

[lAURIE]

I just wish I could find some cool mom friends like you! Pls move to MD!

[mango]

Emily, you are right, they are not required to. But if they don't, they open themselves up to a potential lawsuit. Where I live, you sign a photo discharge at the bottom of the emergency contact info.

If your child is dying / bleeding Gd forbid: who is your doctor? If we can't reach you, the dad, despite home numbers, cell numbers and office numbers, who can we call? Which hospital do you prefer? And what's your second choice? And by the way, can we use a photo taken of your child in context, in a school activity?

I am a journalist, our secretary who used to work out seven days a week was so buff, the free magazine in my city did an article on her health club, took a photo of her, and the caption was that she was the instructor.

She signed up with a property rights lawyer who works on commission. He got 50, she got 50.

It doesn't happen every day, but it does happen, and we live in a society that is increasingly litiginous.

[mango]

And do I think it's disgusting? Absolutely! But it does happen.

[Y]

You love advice!? That's so weird, because I love it too! Especially when I totally don't ask for it! I love it almost as much as I love my infected nipple, and that's a LOT.

[pinky]

I swear I posted a comment here earlier - where did it go?

[Anonymous]

I'm fessing up. I'm not that selfless either, I only sent *one*. ;) I didn't think the first one was received, so I had Amazon resend it. So, I'm only half as nice as previously thought.

Hey, if preschool mom is here, which I imagine she is, it would be nice to find out exactly why the big to-do about one picture, which was taken down immediately. The commenters promise to be nice, if you're nice too. Right, fellow commenters?

I thought the picture was cute, but then I like faked foul language bubbles for kids.

[Tammie Correll]

God I love reading your posts. Im a newbie to this Blog thing, and if you look at my Blog, you can definately tell !!! It's more like a diary right now.I will get better with practice. Im enjoying it when I have the time.

Cheers to you, Im having a Smirnoff (BlacK), I need it, I just pissed my 18 year old son off and he took off in his car!

[MelG-F]

My G.C. theory....maybe the Preschool Mom sent them to apologize?? probably not likely, but it would be a great story....

[FeelingGroovy]

Could you please re-post the damn photo with the commentary and just put those fuzzy blobs over the other kids faces? I think that would cover it, don't you?

Then I could forward the link around to all my friends who are not offended by the f word and would find this most fucking amusing.

[briantologist]

Newspapers aren't required to have you sign a release to run your photo if you're in a public place when it's taken. The idea is that if you're out in public, you're not averse to people looking at you, and you're subjecting yourself to being recorded doing whatever you're doing. Which is a fair assumption.

I don't know if there are separate protocols for private spaces. It's a shame everybody's such a punk-ass beeyatch these days that it's even up for discussion.

[briantologist]

To clarify, by "Everyone," I mean "The suck-asses who decided to file lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit until there's a warning on coffee cups about the coffee being hot." I do not mean "Everyone here." Or anyone here, for that matter.

[Marie]

You are so fucking cool.

[Retro]

You took the photo, you own it.
You've done nothing wrong unless there was a sign asking that photo's not be taking at that particular event. Once the photo is taken it's yours, as long as it can't be classed as illegal in anyway.

That's why you can shove a copyright on the bottom of them without paying anyone =)