That's A Very Big Beaver.

Today was one of those days which made me embrace my uterus with passion and lust. I watched my family at lunch and as we walked around downtown Ann Arbor and I wondered to myself how I could ever feel ambivalent about this life.

The kids were good and fun to be with and I wasn't sitting at the table wishing we didn't have them there. Wishing Logan and I were alone. They made it more fun actually. We all know this doesn't happen often and when it does I want to grab Logan and thank him for giving me this family. This awesome family I could never have imagined.

So yes, it was a very good day.

Recently I've been feeling pretty good about things. I'm still struggling with things like self confidence and direction for my life and where I want to be. Even with that, I feel a sense that if I make small goals, trust myself and ride it out I'll be in a better place some day very soon.

The kids have been so enjoyable and nice to be around. There's still fighting and tantrums, but it seems to make sense and relate to their moods or their level of exhaustion. If I can make sense of their moods, it's all much more tolerable.

Madison has been so much more socially adept. She even makes small talk with other adults like her own little person. Today she paid for a snack by herself at the Hands On Museum Gift Shop, and as she waited for her change she noticed some lovely costume jewelry and told the man selling the jewelry: "These are pretty rings." and he said, "I know, I liked them so much I bought one." and showed it to her.

This didn't phase her because her father wears extremely delicate underwear, but what phased me was the fact that Madison TALKED to another grown up without Logan or I there. It is really rewarding to see her come out of her nervous shell in her own time and with her own style. I've learned to be more patient with her over the last 6.5 years of being her mother, but it's still hard sometimes to patiently wait for her to bloom.

But when she finally feels confident enough to bloom, God it's an amazing feeling.

Enough gushing. You all need to know that even though I mostly complain, my kids are really great. I am very blessed and I know that even when things are bleaker or not as much fun...but I don't write about it very much because frankly, it's not as much fun to write about the fun. The moments where I watch Max playing in the yard from the kitchen sink where I'm washing dishes and I feel a chill come over me. This is my life. How did I get to have this?

One thing that's helping this over all sense of well being is the fact that between tax returns and other things our checking account is currently not empty with another 15 days until payday. It's amazing, isn't it, how not worrying about money frees your mind to think about and appreciate other things in your life.

I know money will never make you happy but it certainly allows you to focus on things more important than money. Or the lack of it. I've been accused several times in my life of being obsessed with money and I now readily agree, I am obsessed with money.

Growing up with out enough money and living under the stress of not enough money will make you obsessed with money. It's amazing what a small cushion will do for your overall sense of well being. Say what you will, but I firmly believe having enough and a little left over frees you from a sense of impending doom. And allows you to refocus your energy on more important things.

And in my ramblings I've avoided what I sat down intending to write. I have a rough draft and a long week ahead, so it will come eventually. Today recharged me and I didn't realize how much I needed it.

Logan got his tax return reward on Friday and I'm happy for him. But God it makes my loins ache for the Rebel.

Please, come home to me.

FYI: click the beaver to see the entire day for yourself

Comments

[mrs. holmes]

Small goals! That's what you have to go for. That's really all you can go for, when you think about it. I sooo look forward to watching my own little someone making small talk with museum personnel. I'm glad for you that you were able to wait it out and watch Madison bloom.

As far as money goes, I TOTALLY understand what you're feeling. I didn't have any idea what was going on w/the finances when I was a kid, but as an adult, I suck at it. My husband and I struggled like poverty sticken drug addicts for the first portion of our relationship. We now have that, albeit tiny, cushion you speak of, and it is a relief. We get along better and we generally have a better outlook on life. I know what you mean. I like thinking about other things, too. Other things deserve to be thought about.

[jenB]

oh i clicked the beaver!

i am obsessed with money too. WAY MORE SO now that i am at home full-time and not making money. money sure as hell can buy some part of happiness, just not all of it i guess.

xoxo

[MelissaC]

AMEN about your money comments.
A.M.E.N.
That is all.
:-)

[blackbird]

yeah yeah -- money isn't everything, unless you don't have any...
during the time we struggled I was completely obsessed with it, even a tiny buffer zone is a tremendous relief.

So glad to hear you able to enjoy life.

[lawbrat]

I whole heartedly agree. Money isnt everything, but it would sure release alot of pressure to know you could pay the bills on time and not wonder how your going to pay for an unexpected pop-up expense.
You have a beautiful family. I'm glad you had such a nice weekend. Enjoy the week!

[Bente]

I totally know what you mean about how much easier a tantrum is to tolerate when you understand the mood or reason behind it. When my daughter starts freaking out for no apparent reason it can be so much more frustrating then when I understand why. Even if I can't help when I understand what the problem is I still find it easier to keep a level head about it.

[landismom]

This morning, without any rhyme or reason, my daughter got up on time, ate her breakfast without complaining, got dressed without help, and then, realizing that she had about ten minutes to spare before she had to leave for school, sat down and read her little brother a book. Isn't this the kid I've been complaining about for the last 5 & 1/2 years? It's the days like this that make all the other crap worthwhile.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

So do you have big news or something? Inquiring minds (aka me) want to know.

I totally understand what you mean about money. There were parts where I was growing up where we definitely did not have any. It was bad. I still think about the things that happened and get mad.

I know you are anti-phone, but man, I have a feeling I could talk to you. If we lived closer, I'd totally invite you over for a drink. Or two.

[RisibleGirl]

I was a single mom of two boys for 12 years, receiving under 300.00 a month (ex-hub didn't make very much), so I became obsessed with money.

Even though they're all grown up and out of the house, and I've remarried a man who makes loads of money (and my paycheck ain't so bad either), I still scrape the foil top of the sourcream, I still scrape out every last bit of the mayo jar and I still put water in the dish soap and shampoo to make it last just a little longer.

Hubby teases me about this, but I'm afraid that it's completely a part of me now. I'll always be obsessed I'm afraid.

[Newbie Blogger]

Great post - your words are my thoughts.

Boosting and enlightening your children's creativity along with teaching them to live on a budget can be the most rewarding investments in their lives. Worrying about money does squash our spirit though - as hard as it is to avoid it.

[Newbie Blogger]

Wow... you're words are my thoughts. Our family too had a very "refreshing" weekend. And I totally relate to the money thing - but you must remember that your kids could not benefit more from a mother and father that values the time spent with them, enlightens and boosts their creativity and also knows how to live on a budget. They are lessons for the ages.

[Deena]

Those are really nice socks Max has. Are those POLO socks?

Sorry I couldn't help it.

[stephanie]

I grew up in a household very much like yours, so I absolutely relate about the money stuff, but what I really wanted to post is that I saw the rebel at Costco (in Brighton) for $769. I don't know if you've found it online cheaper or if that's still too steep for you but I thought I'd let you know anyway. Happy camera obsessing!

[a]

I completely agree with your thoughts on money. Sure, it doesn't buy happiness. Look at the many people with more money than God, who are miserable for one reason or another. Fine. Money doesn't buy happiness. I will say it. BUT, lack of money sure doesn't help. lack of money sure adds to the stress of life and occupies your mind with worry that you are truly not able to enjoy life as you would if you were comfortable.
Totally agree.

[Sarcomical]

gawd, you have a sweet and pretty family. at least when they're not screaming. loved the bit about parenting from the office. heh.

[Texas T-bone]

You must be quite a talented photog to be able to take pics with your loins. Maybe you can join the circus ... talk about going places!

If kids were easy to raise, everybody would have 15 of them. Facts are each is different and will bloom – with copius amounts of patience, water, sunlight and fertilizer – at his or her own pace. My 2-year-old son is quite the blessing, even when he's throwing a handful of cookies across the room.

I agree that having money isn't a big deal; it's the not having it that bites. If we could shed our credit card debt we'd be on EZ Street (as in 400 EZ payments to go).

[brook]

Hey we just let a beaver loose in one of our riparian buffer zones. (don't let the neighbors know. we've drunk so much cheap beer and shooting pidgeons establishing a redneck cover. If they knew about our secret life as wildlife rehabilitators our standing would plummet.)

Glad you had a good day.

[emily]

After the hellacious weekend I had,it was great to see someone had a decent one.

[MollieBee]

It's strange watching your kids morph into people, isn't it? Mine just turned 3, and all of a sudden she was a little girl, not a toddler anymore. Sometimes I wonder if she ever really was small enough to carry on my forearm, back in the newborn days.

[Alice]

I clicked the beaver. And I'm not ashamed to say it.

[amy]

Hope she didn't buy the calorific astronaut ice cream. I think the calories in the 0.7(!) ounce bag is in the thousands. My son begs for it each time we go, and usually tires of the lego brick-sized serving I give him after a couple of days, then I can throw it away.

[MelissaS]

Wow, you're good. She did buy the astronaut ice cream. She and Logan shared it and saved a bit for Tantrum Boy who couldn't eat it through his tears of rage.

I don't worry about giving her high calorie treats on occasion, she's a 42 pound 6.5 year old.

[Em]

The phrase "A Very Big Beaver" has been totally cracking me up for like five minutes.

Apparently, it's been a long day...

[buffi]

I'd be very afraid of the google hits you are going to get from the phrase "click the beaver!" Hehehehe

I can hear all the frat guys saying "Yeah, I'LL click your beaver, baby!!"

[patti]

i live with a man obsessed with money (due to poverty-stricken childhood), and it ain't pretty. however, having recently stepped into his shoes, i can understand the obsession. it still ain't pretty living with it, but it ain't pretty feeling it either.

glad things are looking up for you guys.

now, off to click the beaver.

[Annie]

Great stuff, but that's not a beaver, it's a capybara. I only know that because I've wanted one as a pet for just about ever.

Anne

[MelissaS]

Why would a museum have a mislabled picture in an exhibit though?

[Jennifer]

You wrote: "but I don't write about it very much because frankly, it's not as much fun to write about the fun."

And that may be so. But it's definitely fabulous to read about.

[marlespo]

Lovely photos - I used to live in Ann Arbor and that made me really homesick for the place! Great, great town.