He once pinched a girl for saying 'Hi'.

Some people don't like playgroups. I tend to enjoy playgroups. It's true that the playgroup can go very bad or very good and how it's going to be is always uncertain until after the fact. Sometimes you're thrilled and feel at ease with motherhood in general. Other times you're driving home with your uterus in the palm of your hand asking 'Why did I do this!? Two times?'

Today we attended what will forever be remembered by me as 'Heartburn Playdate'.

Some of the children (mine included) seemed a bit out of sync with each other and on top of that Max was feeling either PMS-ish or just plain psychotic. I felt constantly on edge waiting for him to gnash his teeth or throw a car at someone's head.

I've gotten a bit spoiled by my ideal position as the mother of a 4 year old and 6 year old. I'm rarely required to intervene in my children's play anymore. I used to spend my playdates making making sure my child didn't throw a fireball at anyone's head all while carrying a crying infant in my arms and saying over and over and over and over...."Do you want to go potty now?"

But now I sit back on my lazy ass and clink the ice cubes in my glass and then say, "That's a darling story dear. Now go fix Mommy another bloody mary."

Except today. Today Max cried because TJ yelled at Julia. He sobbed the most heartbreaking tears of indignation and frustration. I gave him a hug and then I just shoved him in my mouth whole because I didn't think he could get any sweeter than that and I'm struggling through PMS right now myself so sweets are just what the doctor ordered.

I didn't really swallow him but I should have because later Max screamed right in TJ's 18 month old sister's face. Simply because she was babbling in his general direction. He's like the Jesse James of the playdate world, who once shot a man for snorin' too loud.

Then a little while later as I sat at the dining room table trying to have a lovely discussion with the other mothers, I watched the son I'd previously wanted to swallow whole for being so fucking sweet, reach out and pinch Julia's 2 year old sister.

Would you like to know why he pinched her? She waved hello and said "Hi!"

I wish I had a picture of Julia's little sister because she's so cute you'd shoot my little boy right in the forehead for pinching her. She's that cute and for god's sake she was just saying Hi to him and he pinched her.

You know I love him. Seriously I love him, he's way too cute to not love. But what the hell? What kind of monster child pinches a child for saying 'Hi'? I'm horrified.

After Heartburn Playdate I wanted a nap and a zantac. Yes, there were a couple of beers consumed if you must know but if your child pinched an innocent blonde haired cherub, wouldn't you want a drink or two?

Comments

[mamaloo]

terribly selfish of me but I am racing to be first to comment!!

"shoved him in my mouth whole" LOL. there is at least one snort-your-cocktail-through-your-nose gem in every post TM (could be your new tagline!), and that was it, IMO!

[buffi]

My beautiful, darling (at the time) 4 year old daughter once kung-fu kicked a little boy in the head for no apparent reason other than she didn't like the looks of him! (In retrospect it was quite an impressive "Charlie's Angels" type move) I was horrified and drug her adorable little ass right out of there! I feel you pain Melissa!

[Maia]

Sounds like a rather hellish play date but I am wondering where the hell you are finding play date hostesses cool enough to be serving booze?! All of the ones we attended only served day old muffins and coffee with (gag) artificial cremo. And the mothers tried to one up each other on their mothering/housekeeping/cooking/wifely skills. Gag.

If I wasn't past that stage (all mine blessedly in school full time now) I would be launching my own special brand of playgroup ala Suburban Bliss style!

[Marnie]

I'm with Maia. All my playdate moms are apparently old fogies, serving only juice for the moms. Huh?!? One apparently not-so-informed dad once offered me a bloody mary and I was so quick to say yes the moms gave me "the look".

I have often wanted to swallow my daughter, just for being so incredibly adorable. I even tell her "I'm going to eat you up!" To which she squeals, "But I'm not FOOD!"

4-yo's are incredibly unpredictable. In 2 months, she'll be pinning him to the ground. Go have another bloody mary and don't sweat it.

[ArmyWifeToddlerMom]

Very funny. My 3 year old screams if anyone touches him at the store....screams..."they hit me!!"

[WannaBeMom]

Do you know I always thought that when we finally had kids, I'd drink less than I do now? I think I might be wrong. But I am heartened by the fact that there might be playgroups out there that coincide with cocktail hour!

[Bente]

My daughter and her friends are always fighting over this and that at our play group...mind you they're only 16 months old.

[Bill]

Wasn't it John Wesley Hardin who shot a man for snorin' too loud? Apparently I watched waaaaaay too much TV as a kid, because now I have the vocals of the Time-Life Old West book series commercial running through my head. I didn't even know that was in there. Huh.

[MelissaS]

Wow Bill. You might be right. That's exactly where I remember the line from, those books.

I wish I could pick and choose which brain cells hold information or let it go.

[SueFromOhio]

The book series commercial that brings your Heartburn Playdate to mind for me is:

'Thar she blows. A hump like a snowhill. It is Moby Dick!'

I'm reaching, I know.....

I won't even touch which book my children most resemble...

[emily]

I hope before you "shoved him in your mouth whole" you dipped him in chocolate.They're sweeter that way.
But really,Seth always does the most insane things.Someone touches him,looks at him,even tells him he's cute(God forbid!).
Just toss back another one and remember this too shall pass.One day.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

All good playdates require booze. Poor Melissa. cherub pinching should never happen.

[Peggasus]

Heh. I remember those days.

My friend Elizabeth and I would often meet at the park with a cooler with juice for the kids and 'juice' for us too.

At our houses, we would just drink our 'juice' plainly and (way back then) smoke cigs while doing it. We stopped with the cigarettes when we saw the boys once pretending to drink their juice boxes and then use the straws as their 'smokes.'

Yay for fun moms!

[Wayne]

Toddler indignation is the fiercest, most disproportionate indignation I've ever known. If you had a supreme court of toddlers, everyone would get the death sentence, no matter what the crime, with the exception of a random few who would be magnanimously spared, for no clear reason whatsoever.

[Steve]

Quite a lot of the time, little boys pinch/kick/poke little girls because the little boy likes the little girl and doesn't know how to say it.

Kind of reminds you of grown ups, doesn't it?

[Em]

My friend's kid used to want to pinch the faces of his innocent friends. I rationalized that he liked them so much he just wanted to SQUEEZE THEIR FACES OFF!

[nina]

The key is to have enuf cocktails so that you won't care what your kid did. Well, I'm kidding..partially. But I totally feel your pain!!!

[Tammy]

I understand how cute ones can be evil. Girl Terror screams bloody murder at her brother quite often for:
being happy ("NO HAPPY!")
crawling toward her
making any noise at all.

[jilbur]

oh dear, what a shame that your delightfully sweet child is a sociopath. HAH! kidding. c'mon, don't you sometimes just feel like pinching people for no reason? especially cherubic children. their flesh just looks like it would feel so good compressed between the fingers ... it's like squeezing the Charmin ... I think there's only about twelve months' maturity worth of impulse control in me that prevents me from doing exactly that.

Okay most of that was in jest. I haven't really had the urge to pinch anyone (much). But this did happen to me once: I was a teenager, babysitting a little girl that was beautifully behaved and very smart and we always got along great. We were playing, and I verrrrrrrry gently play-bit her. No, I mean it--it was gentle. But for some reason she was upset and cried, so of course I stopped, but I was puzzled. Some short time later? Her mother showed me: teeth.mark.bruise. I could not believe it. So. At that point in my babysitting career, I stopped biting children.

[LisaV]

My son would never pinch a beautiful little girl. He would bite her.

[Sarcomical]

i'm sorry. i'm still stuck on the image of you driving home in the car holding your uterus.

[Seriously Steph.]

I too loved the uterus image...so much so that I decided to leave my first comment on your site!

But, one dilemma I have had is how do you hold your uterus, drive, AND make that call to your hubby to bitch about how your kids are the terrors of the playgroup and, because of this, it proves that you MUST be complete failure as a mother?

Oh, MY...have I been where you were today. Ain't motherhood great???? (grin)

[Cursingmama]

Its boys - they're all like that (just kidding only 87% of them are like that).

[chris]

I'm just jealous of the playdates that serve alcohol, clearly I am not looking for friends in the right places.

[Strizzle]

Kids, love em' to death, even when you want to whoop their little hineys. :0)
\
And your 4 and 6 yr old generally place nice together? AACK! My oldest 2 fight constantly while the middle one harasses the baby. NEVER ENDING.