trying to be a grown up and it's not going well.

Today I've been trying to remember how hard it was in the past to deal with my in laws and the most difficult part of dealing with them was two fold.

The first part that made it difficult was the part where they make you feel crazy, even though you know they're behaving in a bizarre manner. They truly believe they are right and when they make mistakes....shockingly God forgives them. But not anyone else.

The other part which made it difficult to deal with my in laws, was the simple fact that it is extremely easy to get dragged back to the past when discussing the present with them. How that ONE THING YOU DID destroyed their family and explains away any other ugly thing they've ever done.

***When I was 21 I sent a note to my sister in law which was extremely awful. We'd had words and I felt justified in explaining my truth to her and expected her to accept that as her own truth. This was a horrible mistake and one I have apologized for and paid for OVER AND OVER AND OVER. and over. Ten years later it still comes up as a justification for whatever horrendous thing they've done or said.***

So I keep trying to think of how I'm not going to fall into those traps. You can never convince my in laws of anything and they will never stop trying to convince you they're right or holier or whatever they want to convince you of. They will always be who they are and that's why I stopped having contact with them.

I guess what I'm frustrated with is the fact that I'm expected to change...simply because they force themselves to read this website and then scream at ANYONE who will listen....including my husband and even a professional journalist (which was extraordinarily humiliating for me).

But I'm still mulling all these things and deciding exactly what is emotionally healthy to say at this point and honestly, most of what I just said above isn't where I want to be emotionally. I've spent a lot of today scrubbing my kitchen floor and mumbling to myself. I wish the fact that my in laws angrily emailed my spouse a dozen times and called a newspaper columnist hoping to tell the "real story" and screamed into my husband's cellphone didn't send me to the kitchen floor scrubbing and mumbling. I wish I could rise above them.

The best choice I ever made was to bow out of that relationship and their behavior this week is a prime example of why I couldn't be a part of their lives. They were upset that I told a reporter I don't speak to my in laws any more and I am not allowed to speak about the specifics of our relationship falling apart. THAT caused them to go on a tirade. You can imagine what happened in the past when I actually opened my mouth and they opened theirs.

Christmas with them was awesome!

Even though I just wrote 468 words on this subject I still haven't made any decisions.

You couldn't even count how many thoughts I've had about this subject. But your emails have been great and some have had wonderful input and others have made me smile and some have made me cry and I really love you sometimes Internet.

Sometimes though I wish you'd let me go to bed a little earlier.

Now, let's look at pictures of the lovely children Logan and I had sex to create. Did you read that In Laws? Logan and I love to have sex in the context of a loving union. Perhaps they'll leave now.

ha!

I love Flickr a lot like I love the Internet. Even though it keeps me up just like you do.

Some favorites of late:

My father had a beer fridge in the dining room. I have a beer cart and my young charge pushes it. I knew I had kids for a reason. *The cashier at Trader Joe's said to Max, "I'm definitely going to see your id." And I said, "I'm buying for him!"

I love this one because of my notes (Notes= Another reason to want to lick Flickr.)

[Deleted because not only do I offend my in laws with my website. I apparently offend people from preschool as well! Weeeee! This website is working out swell for me this week. Holy Jesus Fuck. God damn it I just offended someone else. Awesome!]

This is our cat, Gary. He is huge. He is currently digesting our son.

Madison loves to sleep on Gary's belly...because she wishes she could eat Max too.

Good night Kelly! Hey, thanks for reading!

Comments

[Lisa in Chicago]

You scrub your floor, I vacuum my sofas...within an inch of their poor, mismatched lives. Hey, if we got together to do housecleaning whenever one of our "issues" comes up, we'd be rich! By the way, the picture of Max pushing a cart full of beer is priceless...absolutely priceless! Har har har! Keep your chin up!

[buffi]

Melissa, I want to tell you that I am so impressed with how you handle your relationship with your in-laws. Your children will appreciate it one day. My mom also had "issues" with my dad's folks. I never really knew about any of it until I was married & asked. She never dragged me into it & I only ever knew that they loved me. You are such a great mom, don't ever let anyone tell any different (including yourself!).

[Katerina]

I just wanted to say that I am so impressed by the way you deal with your inlaws. I only wish I were able to be honest with mine. Right now, I'm too paranoid to let my husband and kids visit without me. (They can't talk about me while I'm there!)

[Sarah]

Best of luck. What a tough situation to be in with your in-laws. Keep your chin up--you're a great mom and a fantastic writer.

[Marnie]

I wish my anger and frustration could be so productive! I just call and gripe and whine to my semi-sane (aren't we all only semi?) SIL about my completely crazy bitch of a SIL. Makes me feel better that neither of us are getting anything done. Once I'm done, I can take a deep breath, and smile and nod again.

You have a healthy adult view of it all. It's not easy to "move on." It's a process. You're doing good.

[Stacy]

Ditto the above. I know how frustrating it is... I'm currently paying an extremely steep price for telling the truth about something on my blog. It seems that a simple "If you don't like it, don't read it!" isn't enough.

You keep them in your kids' lives and you appreciate that they managed to create your husband... and for today, that's probably enough.

Hang in there.

[Stacy]

Oh, and? I love my Momtini journal...

[mrtl]

This may be the first time I've posted here. Is that a disclaimer for idiocy? hmmmm... On issues with family, it's so hard. You have to draw lines as to how much grief you're willing to endure and recognize when it's healthier for your relationship to step back and let others relate without you. What's the alternative? Fuming hostility while being trampled? That's setting a great example for the kids!

I love reading your stories and your insight. But really, you must give me my cat back. Gary? His name is Slava. If you want, I'll give you my little gray one, although she wouldn't make as nice a pillow.

[LisaV]

Anger and depression always give me a clean house and no appetite. Here is hoping the dust bunnies get a little out of control and you feel like ice cream, very, very soon.

[JT]

Melissa, in-laws are a pain and you're dealing with them manfully. (Womanfully?) My personal opinion? No matter what happened when you were in your early 20s, they should excuse anything they don't agree with every time they see the gift of those incredibly gorgeous kids, and your terrific sense of humor that will certainly do them enormous amounts of justice as they grow.

Love,
Internet

P.S. My MIL arrives today.

[jp]

Melissa, The inlaw thing, hell, the FAMILY thing is hard, and while my family dynamic changes with the tides I swear..the inlaw thing is painfully set in stone. My father in law (and his I think FIFTH wife) have never seen our 4 year old because as my father in law said while I was pregnant "I no longer have a son". Nice, huh??

So I guess, given the choice I would like my child to know the person where her last name came from, but on the other hand....he's a miserable, selfish, twisted guy and frankly, I am SO thankful that he is permanently out of our lives.

You are lucky, and your kids are lucky that Logan can rise above all of their drama/religious fervor/paranoid blog reading to keep your kids in touch with them, and trust me, in their own time M & M will make their own opinions about what happened!!

[Bente]

Your inlaws sound crazy. I hope they read the comments too. Cute pictures.

[Molly]

Hi Melissa,
I just wanted to tell you, as one survivor of the in-law wars to another, you're doing great, hang in there! The person above who said it's a process is absolutely right. If you get really lucky, they'll move to another state and you'll only have to deal with them once or twice a year. ;-) It also helped when my wonderful husband finally told his sister not to keep trying to put him in a position of having to chose between her and the mother of his kids, she would lose permanently if she kept it up. Instant attitude change, and now (once, maybe twice a year), we can sit in the same room and make polite conversation. And, I've learned to shut my mouth on some things too, so it's a compromise all around but it works. Good luck! I hope things get better! Don't be too hard on yourself about it, it takes two sides to make a relationship work and it doesn't sound like they've put in much effort on their side. You, at least, are gracious about their relationship with their grandkids, and they should be thankful for that because a smaller person would probably try to limit their children's contact with people who have caused them so much grief. Keep smiling (even if you're gritting your teeth!)!

[Karen]

Oh Melissa, I am so sorry for all the hell you're going through. Here's something I learned a long time ago, and you already know it but I'll say it again: You can NEVER change people; you can only change the way YOU act around them. And you've already done that, and this is the best it can get. Focus on your wonderful husband and kids, and just write off any chance of a relationship with your ILs. I hope they will leave you alone SOON. If not, at least your floor will be REALLY clean.

[christy]

I just love that you have a cat named Gary.

PS - If I ever meet your inlaws I won't talk to them either. Nyah! Take that!

[Jen]

I know that we are strangers but I just wanted to give you a *hug* from out here in Maryland. Take care.

[MelissaS]

Karen, I do not want a relationship with my in laws. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how to remove myself enough from their relationship and attempts to manipulate my husband when I don't comply with their wishes.

I did censor myself and that was as much censoring as I was willing to do.

I'm going to have to draw a line in the sand and I'm trying to decide where to draw it. Boundaries...which is something my in laws DO NOT understand.

Urgh. More scrubbing and mumbling coming my way.

[Tracey]

I just wanted to tell you how wrapped up I've gotten in your story this week. I'm sorry for using the word "story" since this is your actual real LIFE we're talking about here and not just a story but I have been literally FUMING for you and your terrible situation! I wish I could reach out across the Internets and give you a big hug.

[Lala]

hoo boy.
#1 The Internet loves you too
#2 Sometime later in life, when we know each other better, I'll tell you about how my father boycotted my wedding because he thinks black men hit their wives.
#3 My husband's parents are mostly dead so I got nothin' on that one
#4 Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck

love, a complete stranger/big fan

[Steve]

My guess is that your inlaws have been controlling all of Logan's life. Logan needs to get some guts and tell them that they can run their own lives, while Logan and you run yours. They would not let you or Logan tell them what to do and likewise they should never expect to tell Logan (and you through Logan) what to do. Logan needs to tell them to get over it and "get a life" or to permanently leave you, him and the kids alone. Unfortunately, they will continue to be there, trying to run your lives for you and Logan if you let them. LOGAN needs to stop it.

[Poppy]

Scrubbing and mumbling sounds like a perfect way to deal with this shit. It gives you a chance to think, and hey - clean floor!

Your SIL is still pissed about a note from ten years ago, written when you were still essentially a kid? For someone who spends so much damn time in church, she sure seems to be missing a lot of the big, important messages. I mean, Jesus forgave people who drove spikes into his body, but sne can't forgive you for a few words? That's not very Christ-like, my friend.

[Megan]

As my grandmother always said, the first hundred years are the hardest.

It's true that you're never going to change your in-laws behavior. All you can change is your reaction to it. These people are obviously toxic to you, so I think you're doing the right thing keeping your distance. But good for you for keeping your kids out of it.

I think as long as your husband is supportive of you and your relationship is solid, you have to do what makes you happy, what works for you. If your in-laws don't like what you write on this blog about them, then they don't have to read it.

Are you reading this in-laws? If you don't want to be offended, go elsewhere! This is her blog, not yours. You want people to hear your side, get your own blog - you can start one for free. Oh, and really, you should forgive her for a mistake she made a long time ago and has apologized for. Holding on to all that isn't good for you, and it's not good for your grandchildren either. Don't think they don't have some clue, because I bet they do. Think about it.

All you can do is the best you can do. The problem is not with you, it's with them. As hard as it is to do, you can't take any of it personally.

((hugs))

[Alana]

Hi. It really sucks what you're going through with your in-laws. It's hard to be the girl who took their baby boy even when they like you, I can't imagine how hard my life would be if they didn't. But, Hi In-Laws, I assume if you read her site you probably read her comments, so here. It sucks that you can't let things go. It must really suck to have to constantly remember to carry a grudge. I honestly hope that you let this go before Jesus comes back, because I know I wouldn't want to be in your position. Forgive people!

[ella]

Melissa,

You have a hot husband, 2 gorgeous kids, and you RULE!

I can totally relate on the in-law issue.

I can only guess that they must be so fucking miserable with their own lives that they want the same for you. Just think what they could do with all that energy if they just redirected it?

You are defintely the better person in this situation so try not to let it ruin any more of your days.

[Pam in Indiana]

My in laws are dead. Can I borrow your in laws for the next month? I need to get pissed off and riled up enough to pack up and clean this house so we can move next month.

[Lil' Sis]

I hope the in-laws are also keeping in mind that all comments on this blog are other people's opinions and not Melissa's. Just a rational thought. On that note, my PERSONAL opinion: It's hard to watch both Logan & Lis have to go through all of this, especially when it's so unnecessary. The "agreement" was there. There is no direct mention of the in-laws by name or identifying characteristic. The only time it comes up & becomes anything more than a stereotypical scenario is when the in-laws make a fuss over something inconsequential. Lis has been very good at admitting her faults (and believe me, she hasn't always been that way.) and I wish, for the in-laws' mental, physical & emotional well-being, they would learn to let go. It's like picking at a scab when it's healing. Perhaps satisfying at the moment, but disfiguring in the long run.

I think i just referred to my sister as a scab. Sick.

I have some similar issues going on, on a much smaller, band-related scale. We'll consider this with a sushi lunch, lis.

-Miao.

[Alice]

Let's talk about Oral. Better yet, Anal. That'll get them to go away.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

Melissa,

I would like to offer up my (family member's) phone number to your inlaws. If they need to scream at someone, I know the perfect person.

Anyway, I'm sorry that people can't realize that this is YOUR SPACE ON THE INTERNET. This is what keeps you going, keeps you being a good mother to THEIR GRANDCHILDREN.

I'm sorry I'm writing about this in your comments, but these people need to realize that YOU ARE THE MOTHER OF THEIR GRANDCHILDREN.

You are an amazing writer. You are a beautiful person and are extremely funny, real and loving.

Melissa, I'm sorry I'm about to write this, but I wish I could call them up and tell them this. This is something more people need to learn and I think the world would be a better place.

NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. IF YOU THINK IT IS ABOUT YOU, IT PROBABLLY ISN'T. PEOPLE ARE A LOT MORE WORRIED WITH THEMSELVES TO CARE ABOUT YOU.

By acting like complete crazies, they're quickly letting everyone know the story. You don't want people to know the story?

KEEP QUIET. Even better. GET YOUR OWN BLOG.

[nynative]

Melissa- This is the first time I have commented. I almost spit out my coffee when I read this post. I sent what is now known as "the email" to my sister in law several years ago after she hurt my husband deeply. It wasn't even that bad of an email. But as long as I live, I will never hear the end of it. My husband "shouldn't have let me" send it. "I'm not family", etc etc. So you know what I decided to do? Smile. And when I have to see them all, I take a pill. My life is so much happier. I don't care about any of them anymore. And perhaps that was my problem - I cared too much.

[landismom]

Ditto to the SJ's (and other's) suggestions that they should tell us their side of the story ON THEIR OWN DAMN BLOG! And we'll all boycott it together.

In our family, I have the crazy parents. To this day, my dad doesn't know if our second child is a boy or a girl. My MIL (a lovely woman) asks me all the time, "but he's never even called to find out?" The stupid things that people do to those they profess to love will never cease to amaze me.

I'm talking about what they're doing to Logan and the kids, not to you, who they do not profess to love. Don't they understand that their behavior has blowback onto other people?

[Kara]

I am fortunate in that my future in-laws love me to pieces and regard me as the "daughter they never had".

However. My best friend has the MIL from the dimension of pain. This is the MIL who ripped my best friend apart AT HER WEDDING (at which I was maid of honor) because the Catholic ceremony (my friend is not Catholic, but had a Catholic ceremony to try and make her in-laws, who are, happy) was not Catholic enough to suit her. She is evil, small-minded, and petty. (The MIL, not my friend)

You aren't alone. Not all family members like each other, nor should they be required to. Especially if their idea of "getting along" involves walking all over you. (As I keep telling my friend.)

Hang in there and stand your ground!

[Lori]

Melissa,

Another voice from cyberspace . . . I too hate my in-laws. Do what I did, outlive them!

Worked like a charm.

[supermom]

You in-laws have every right to be upset. Sorry, I am not siding with you. Family's go through rough periods - you discuss it and move on . It the privicy of your family. You do not place it on a public forum - such as a blog. You are continuing the fight between you and your in-laws, by constantly bringin it up. Let it go and maybe both your in-laws and you may be able to get past this. You have to put yourself in their shoes - how would you feel if they did have a blog and commented on you as you have of them?

Family is important - even extended family.

Be careful - even if it doesn't appear know, this rift between your in-laws and you will have lasting effects on your two beautiful children. Is that what you really want?

[Robin Alexa]

Very interesting! Families are fun :)

[MelissaS]

Supermom you're right, family is important. But sometimes family has failings that can not be overcome.

I respect that from your perspective, it appears I should 'get over it'. In the last 10 years we've seen over and over and over that we can not just 'get over it'. So I have removed myself. Not without pain, but it was the healthiest thing to do all things considered.

Having lived this life with them for the last 10 years, I know better than you what I should or should not do. I don't need you to agree with me. Which is the biggest reason my in laws and i can't get along. They need you to a) agree with them and b) never blame them for anything.

This week I said in an interview when asked the question, "Is there anything you can't talk about on your blog?" I responded that I can't speak about my in laws in anything but vague terms. We had a falling out and do not speak.

My in laws became frantic to 'protect themselves' and therefore fired up my inner rage. I said nothing specific about them in any way. I wish I had so that this would all be worth the trouble.

I am simply asking I be allowed to have my feelings and my place to write about those feelings (in only the vaguest of terms) on occassion without being policed and bullied. Without having the press called when I dare to say "I don't talk to my mother in law" and without being threatened into doing as they see fit. I am entitled to that.

If my in laws would like to start a blog themselves and would like to refer to me as the "daughter in law who ruined their family", if they would like to speak in vague terms to the "ugly things I did to them". I would be perfectly tickled.

I don't want to read it mind you and don't want to be informed of it's existance and I'd like the same courtesies I've extended to them extended to me. But as I've seen over and over my in laws do not play fair.

To sum up, you get your opinion and I get mine. I strongly disagree with your opinion. Loads of kids grow up with out grandparents. They live far away, they pass away, their parents don't get along. It's much healthier for my children to have a happy mother and a somewhat compromised relationship with their grandparents than for them to see me continually scapegoated for their paternal family's failings as a family unit.

[Ken]

"supermom", do you really know what the full story is here? Somehow I don't think you do, and so you might want to be careful about tossing around your opinions.

[J.]

Melissa, I just want to chip in my two cents and say that I'm sorry you're going through this, and bravo to you for handling it like an adult. Remember, it's never a good idea to wrestle with pigs--you all get dirty, and the pigs enjoy it.

I myself had issues (much, much more minor than yours) with my inlaws that could have escalated into something really ugly, and as hard as I tried to distance myself and keep my temper nothing changed until my husband put down his foot and told them (very nicely) where to go. His father has children and grandchildren from his first marriage that he never sees because their mother threatened to cut them out of her lives if they continued contact with their father. I never met my maternal grandfather (who died when I was a teenager) because of a similar situation. With those examples before us all as motivation, we've worked hard at resolving things and luckily for us, we've been able to.

If people--including family--want to be in your life, they have to treat you, your husband, and your kids with respect. Haranguing and emotionally blackmailing you and your husband is not respectful or loving behavior. If they can't act like adults, you are doing the right thing by respecting them (and yourself) by keeping the hell away from them. It's tough, but hang in there!

[MelissaS]

It's okay, I mean really none of us know the full story....because there are always two sides and I'm not willing or able to try any more to understand my in laws side of things. And since I'm me, and I'm writing about how I feel and what I think....that's all you're getting.

So it's fine if someone disagrees. It's to be expected.

Although, it's funny 'supermom' even thinks it's an option at this point for us all to get along. We passed that point about 9 years ago and kept trying to get along and Woohoo! That got us really far!

[kalisah]

I just enjoyed 190 great photos! Thanks for posting.

[Thel]

Melissa,

Good on you. You have every right to take pride in your ability to have a healthy, reality-based perspective on this whole mess. To have the grace to want Max and Madison to be as unaffected as possible by your in-laws' malevolence toward you, and make the (sucky) compromises that make that possible--woman, you rock.

[Anne]

I have followed your posts this week and feel like I am cleaning with you. I am fortunate to have saintly in laws, but I bet most of us have experience with people who ALWAYS have to be the victim and BEAR a GRUDGE. Sounds like you and Logan have done a beautiful job of setting boundaries for your nuclear family and protecting your children as best you can. It takes a strong woman in your position to allow that, and a strong husband in Logan's position to negotiate that. I think it speaks volumes about your marriage and priorities. Perhaps someone should send them a copy of Anne Lamott's latest, Plan B, in which she struggles with forgivenes quite a bit, (in her case, W). It's a hoot, but it's from the heart.

Keep blogging; we love you.
Anne www.tinykingdom.typepad.com

[Crystal]

I haven't had time to read all the other comments, but I have your solution!! Tell them to start an Anti-Suburban Bliss Blog!! Yeah, that's the ticket... they can talk all the poo they want, and you can't stop them! In-laws suck, Melissa... sorry yours are asshats.

[Robert]

From now on, you should refer to them as "my late in-laws, who in their complete self-righteousness spontaneously combusted and went straight to heaven. No really, they're dead; that's why we don't speak any longer."

[Jen]

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who can accept the things they cannot change and those who cannot and simply stew and stew. Be happy you are not the latter. Life's too short for holding grudges and being angry. If there is anything to be learned by this week's happenings - don't ever mention the in-laws to anyone again. It seems they are just waiting to pounce - and, frankly, who needs it. You have better things to do with your time - enjoy those sweet children, sunshine, beer and your husband. Live your life; let them fester in theirs!

[AmyinMotown]

I like Robert's suggestion.

Sorry, Melissa. Mine suck too--but a) not as bad as yours and b) I was always made to feel by my mom that I wasn't supposed to like my dad's family because she didn't, that I was somehow being disloyal to her by liking to spend time with them. I am trying very hard to rise above my dislike of them for that reason, because I don't want my kid to feel bad for loving people I don't. It sounds like you are going above and beyond to not poision your kids' relationships with them and I admire you for it.

I have discovered, both in my own relationship with my inlaws and in watching especially my mom be an inlaw, that their own kid tends to be blameless in all things so they heap it on their spouse.

[Ninotchka]

Loved, loved, loved the pictures!

I just have to say that "blood is not thicker than water." Just because you're connected to someone genetically or by marriage doesn't mean that you HAVE to have them in your life. I wish people would realize this. Life is too short to spend it in the company of toxic people. No matter which side is "right." If you dislike them and don't want to spend time with them, then that's that. End of story. Why freaking torture yourself?

[Alecia]

If I dealt with my anger by cleaning instead of eating and/or drinking, my ass wouldn't be so big. Novel approach to rage. Me likey...

You are a pretty amazing gal Melissa. Don't let their stuff bring you down.

[Kat]

Melissa,
I'm so there with you. I've had a similar 10 years with my inlaws only I've known better times before the most recent stint of "bad." A couple years ago when my DH and I started TTC, my MIL went off the deep end. As in certifiable, and I kid you not when I say we've all (except for my FIL) realized she's probably got a clinical case of borderline personality disorder. My DH and I have actually decided not to deal with them in any way, and haven't had contact for 2 years. It's sad, but the only healthy solution.

And supermom, I think you're wrong. There ARE certain things that cannot be forgiven and only Melissa and her DH can know what's right for them.

~kat

[lynn]

I'm hoping that the journalist didn't try to make you feel bad or humiliated about your in-laws' behavior, which you have no control over.

As a journalist myself, I can tell you that reporters are very used to hysterical people calling and wanting to tell "their side" of some minor little detail buried in an article. People see something in print about themselves -- even if they aren't identified -- and suddenly it assumes the significance of a headline, no matter how small it actually is (in your case, a sentence). Whenever I get these calls, I never think it reflects badly on the person I interviewed (unless they out-and-out lied, which you didn't!) and I don't even think it reflects that badly on the people complaining, because it's human nature to agonize and feel like the whole world read something bad about you in a newspaper. It's just a routine part of the job and that reporter likely forgot about it almost as soon as it happened, so don't feel bad. If it reflects badly on anyone, it's not you.

Just wait until someone dies amongst your in-laws and the obituary is written. If they are truly unbalanced, you will see the craziest battles over factual issues and descriptions of the deceased ("Sorry, ma'am, I cannot write in a news story that the deceased has earned his place in heaven, unlike that little tramp of a daughter-in-law.") And you may get your chance to call in a bona-fide correction when they try to leave you out of the list of survivors (Oh, believe me, it happens)!

[Kel]

Due to a very nasty divorce, my situation with my paternal grandmother was always distant. Only after my father passed and I was old enough to bring all parties together at holiday time (prior to that it has alway been two camps and such a drag to figure out when we were going to see which) at my own house that those relationships healed. My 93 year old grandmother and my 73 year old mother are now very close. My mother often has Grandma over for dinner without a family get together excuse or drives her to doctor appointments. So there is hope. Someday Madison may be discribing this situation (really, it was UG-LY for many, many years). Its made my life so much eaiser, to know they have each other and all of us at once.

The only possible suggestion (assvice) for not ending up on your knees with a brush and bucket in front of you is this: make a list of all the things you are grateful to them for (I mean this and I mean every single tiny thing you can think of). Who taught Logan to make his kick ass cakes? Who taught Logan to be so creative (his books to all of you)? What was the best thing his sister ever did for him that helped make him the man you are luck enough to have? Assuming you wouldn't tolerate a bad lover or a lousy parenting partner, where did he get the capacity for those talents - even if some of the answers are in spite of, give credit where credit is due. Keep this list handy. Pull it out whenever you feel under attack. It will help.

Kel

[SueFromOH]

Melissa, I know I've said this before but YOU ROCK! I'm sorry your inlaws suck...I hope it doesn't put a strain on your marriage. I know my husband well enough, that I think he would stick up for me and to hell with them. I'm guessing Logan is pretty 'with you' in that department.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you posting your 'feelings' on your blog...isn't that what it's for? PLUS, who the hell cares what anyone thinks...once again, a reason behind blogging. I censored and changed my blog once for people and I'm not doing it again...I admire your strength in sticking with it because I'm about to end mine soon...they've found me AGAIN and I can't get away...AARRGGGHHHHH!!!

Anywho, good luck with everything and I hope you become rich and famous after all this...Love the blog, don't change a thing!!!

[MelissaS]

Well that's a really nice thought but no, no it won't help.

The entire situation goes far beyond minor irritations with these people (though it also includes minor irritations), and into the realm of hateful treatment which I am not at liberty to discuss in this forum.

I appreciate advice, but seriously, I'm not asking how to get along with them. I attended therapy with these people for the love of God. It's not happening. What I'm trying to figure out is the boundary between me and them.

[Chelle]

Personally, I think that YOU are the supermom. You know best what will work for your family and I have no doubt that you will set the appropriate boundries. And I'm not just saying that because I have my own in-law issues. I swear.

[flea]

"If I dealt with my anger by cleaning instead of eating and/or drinking, my ass wouldn't be so big."

Hey, this is what I was going to write!

Melissa, you're the best. I don't write about my in-laws or my parents (or siblings) because I knew they'd freak right the fuck out. When they found out about my blog, they freaked right the fuck out anyway, because they didn't like me talking about myself, or expressing my opinions, or the WAY I expressed my opinions, that I was doing terrible damage to myself, to them, to my family, and the children! For the love of God, won't someone please think about the children!

So write whatever you want, whenever you want. Someone is guaranteed to hate it.

[Jez]

obviously you have learned one of my personal favorite 'golden rules' : don't go to an ass-kicking contest and provide the ass.

it's clear they are control freaks if the mere mention of NOT mentioning them on your blog sends them into this kind of frenzy. problem is....YOU ARE in control, and now they want to redefine those lines you may or may not cross, again so they can gain the upper hand, and control you.

Don't let 'em, girl. You ride this wave as far as it will take you.

[Liz]

It sounds like you've more than tried to have a healthy relationship with these people, and recognized that the best thing for you and your family is to cease contact. My completely uneducated advice is to treat them like you would your ex-husband's new wife. You don't have to speak to them, look at them, include them, care about them, but at the same time give the other members of your family the space they need to make their own relationships if they choose.

I am sure that those boundaries aren't easy, and I hope that the robot will back you up in whatever way you choose to handle it. I'm sure that however much it sucks for you, it sucks just as much to be in the position between your parents and your spouse.

However, since you can't vent about the acts of war here, here are some of mine to commiserate with!

- My mother in law said that she didn't think she could love our children
- When our daughter was born, she went ON and ON about how disappointed she was it was a girl.
- At the hospital seeing the baby for the first time, she said 'well you can always get her a nose job'
- She won't hold our daughter, but complains that I've made the baby 'cold' towards her
- When we got engaged, she tried to get my husband to join a singles club.
- She has called me a bitch, a gold digger (not that there's any gold), selfish, and dumb. To my face.

Wishing you all the best,

Liz

[mrsmogul]

He is adorable with his I heart NY tee! I think its funny how people are always asking me to get that tee for them. I mean, I grew up with it...so I am jaded!

[Dot]

Your husband is going to have to take a stand with his folks. My husband did and things are great. You are his wife, you come first, I know you love each other very much (I can tell by the blog) so next time they come a bitchin he needs to hang up! I swear those people are crazy they need to quit discussing you "period", it's none of their business what you do what you say, etc. By the way, who died and left them to play God? Good luck I am thinking of you.

[MollieBee]

I just wanted to let you know i'm sending all the happy vibes and good wishes I have your way. I thought I should share this link with you:

www.motherinlawstories.com

I hope you have a good weekend.

[greg]

Melissa, I can't help but feel sorry for Logan. It sounds that he is put in the middle of a difficult situation. But then, that what he gets for marrying a woman with a strong personality. Forget it. I don't feel sorry for him. He asked for it.

[MelissaS]

Well greg, Logan really is in a hard place. But you're also right he married a woman with a strong personality and he comes from a woman with a strong personality and a female sibling with a strong personality.

I've had enough therapy to realize one of the biggest reasons the women in Logan's life don't get along is that we all rub each other the wrong way to the nth degree.

[Flippy]

Wow, I guess I should feel fortunate. I gave my parents the link to my blog last week. The other day, on the phone, my mom said, "I don't think some of that language is necessary." I think that might be the worst I get. Then again, I'm not as open as you are - that may very well be why you have thousands of visitors and I have, uh, fewer than that.

By the way, I told my mom that if she didn't like the language, she didn't have to read my blog. She said, "Yes I do, it's there." I guess it's the same with your in-laws, only their complaints aren't about you writing "fuck" a couple of times.

[Liz in Maryland]

When I gave birth to my second daughter in 1992, my SIL (who has 3 daughters) wrote us a letter telling us all about how her dad (my FIL) had sexually abused her. Needless to say, we cut off all contact with them, and they haven't seen our now 16 year old since she was 3 and they have never seen our 12 year old.

It was a no-brainer (he admitted it all and is in therapy) but this whole abuse thing stops in this generation.

It was easy for us because they live 2 states away, but I have never regretted cutting them out, and neither has my husband (who made the decision).

Your in-laws should consider themselves lucky that they aren't cut off from the grands, cause it's real easy to do.

[Maia]

I say good for you for bowing out of what sounds like a toxic relationship. You encourage Logan to visit with the kids and have a relationship with their grandparents, which is VERY cool. You could be the opposite, I'm sure many are. I hope they are grateful for that.

As for reading your blog, well hell let them. Maybe you could tell us the kinkiest stuff you and Logan have done in the sack, a few nudie shots or whatever you think would shock the crap out of them and perhaps ensure they delete your bookmark.

What I find interesting is that they READ it! WTF??

[Em]

I don't have in-laws. After reading this, I am not sure I ever want too!

I imagine it must be incredibly hard to be CONNECTED to these people - such bizarre vindictive GET A LIFE people - through the people you love the most, your husband and your children.

I can't really relate to your story in a lot of ways, but I am sorry you have to deal with it at all. It sucks, from every angle, plain and simple.

[Phil]

Some time ago, I got in the habit of praying for people who had offended me, as a way of getting peaceful for myself, and hopefully adding peace for them. Intrigued, my then-girlfriend gave it a try when she got very upset with some folks she was working with. Result: it made her feel very very nauseated. So much for that idea.

Anyway -- in my hopeful Quakerly way, I'll offer to hold you in the Light. You, singular (Melissa S), and you plural (Melissa S's nuclear family) and you-really-plural (Melissa S's extended family -- and you know who I'm talking about).

Peace and letting.

[Sarcomical]

ummm...i have no words. this just sucks. (boy, that sounds sage.) regarding a line being drawn and where it should be? i think they (yes YOU in-laws) are drawing it for melissa. by your unwillingness to show love to her in a way consistent with your "beliefs" (which ironically run nowhere close to actions like going to a reporter to make sure YOUR asses were covered - what about turning another cheek, people?) but instead make her feel like less of a person for being who she is. that's the kind of thing that sets the boundaries, people.

melissa, i'm sorry you have to deal with this. i think that you probably have the ability to handle this in a much more adult and interestingly enough a more 'christian' way than they ever could. just by continuing to be honest and true and not letting make you the smaller person by "cutting them off". it sounds like that's what they're wanting you to do anyway - it would give them something more to feel sorry for themselves about.

whatever you do, don't give them the satisfaction of having something to complain about. i'd just cut talk of them out of your blog for good. i know it's probably a source of release for you, but then they get what they want.

good luck.

[Sarcomical]

p.s. are you sure the cat didn't eat both of them?

[mango]

I feel sorry for both of you -- both you and Logan, that is. I can totally understand your stance, and he is between a rock and a hard place.

This may sound silly, but there is a similar situation in our lives (not as loaded, for sure) between two very, very long-term single friends. She flits off to travel, and he keeps her dogs when she does. He now has a live-in girlfriend with a cat, the girlfriend refuses to dog-sit. He said, no, I can't dog sit anymore. She is spitting mad, and just doesn't get it. (She is an idjut, you don't get two dogs to foist them off on friends half the year, but that's besides the point.)

My point is NOT to compare your situation to friends and pets. My point is when a person chooses a life partner, anytime that somebody else (ie inlaws) tries to intercept themselves into that relationship, they lose. And that's how it should be. As painful as it is for you, ultimately, THEY are the losers, not you. And your attitude to letting your Ms see their grandparents totally proves what a mensch you are.

Keep on keeping on, Melissa.

[Amanda]

Hi!
I've been following your blog since last fall. It was part of a Journalism course I took at CMU and the best homework assignment I've ever had. :)
I don't have in-laws...yet. But there is the potential for some in the next few years.
I was wondering if there's any signs to look for to see if they'll end up stark raving loonies or if I just get to hold my breath and hope they stay normal?

[ms]

Fuck them.

Life's too short to waste time and energy on people who are toxic. You don't want a relationship with them, but you're not stopping Logan and the kids from having one. What the fuck more do they want?
And when your kids are old enough to really think about it, they are going to know that the in-laws must have done something really heinous to make you cut off contact with them. Kudos to you for sticking up for yourself and not letting them dump their bullshit on you!

[Marie Freeman]

Geez...how does anyone rack up 71..er...72 comments on their blog? Might that be a record? I 'spect that most married people have had in-law problems. I got rid of my mom-in-law for 4 whole years by drunkingly saying: " I don't give a f*** what you think about me." It was very liberating for me, but my husband had to listen to his mom bitch about me for the same amount of time and I felt terrible about that.- for him. I hope Logan is not as torn because ultimately--the argument is all about him. Good luck.

[Meganann]

Dear Melissa,
Some people are too toxic to keep in your life. My father is one of these, so I do have some frame of reference. It is difficult, but sometimes the door to a relationship must be shut in order to keep your own mental health. You owe no apologies to anyone for this.

Sometimes there is no way for you to have a healthy relationship with someone, and in that case it is kinder to close the door. The decision is painful, but you must not let emotionally abusive people take over your life. They cause too much harm and will never see you as anything other than an opponent. Perhaps one day they will change, but it is unlikely.

You made a decision in order to protect yourself and prevent Logan from having to constantly be embattled between his wife and parents. That was kindness and compassion. If the relationship can bring nothing but pain, it should stop.

I wish you a peaceful non-relationship with them. I think that you are incredibly respectful towards them and can't imagine being a big enough person to do that myself.

Good Luck!

[Brianne]

From a new reader... Sorry to hear about your inlaws, things will improve, lets hope! Your pics are cute and I l.o.v.e. Flikr as well. Here's to staying up ungodly hours of the night to hear the words of fellow bloggers...

[Connor]

Maybe it is just in-laws in Detroit... the first conversation I had with my mother-in-law (Southfield) after we were married (via phone) involved a request for a credit card number. Somehow she raised an awesome son, so I keep looking for that part of her. Good luck with yours, there must be something there, I hope it comes out sooner rather than later!!!!

[susie]

I will quote my husband's recent most favorite saying, "What a freaking nightmare!" I think that applies well to your situation.

I just wanted to say that you are BRAVE. I admire you, Melissa. Hang in there and don't let them get you down. I think you've scrubbed that floor enough now. It's time for a nice, strong drink! :-)

Love the pics, too. Your kids are adorable. I'm going to train my 3-year-old son to beer shop for me, too. ;-) I'm not a cat person, but you have a pretty cute cat there, too! ;-)

[RockStar Mommy]

In-Law Horror Stories:

My Mother In Law had my husband arrested and tried to press charges because he punched his sister's boyfriend who was totally attacking her (the mother was friends with the boyfriend's mother, so instead of defending her own daughter, she thought it more important to protect her friendship).

So he stopped associating with her all together.

But then she showed up at MY vacation condo uninvited 2 summers ago with my another of my sister-in-laws and refused to leave no matter how much I told her she was not welcome. Then she picked up this two very large and very perverty men and brought them back to the condo to 'hang out' - when I flipped out and threw them and her luggage out of the condo, she called the cops on me and tried to have ME arrested. Luckily, the cops saw how clearly insane she was & made her leave. And luckily, my husband was back home for the day or else he would have been arrested again.

Crazy in laws are a dime a dozen. I'm just so freakin lucky that my husband despises them as much as I do. Keeps my life much more simple.

I wish you that kind of peace someday too. Not that your husband should be forced into not talking to his parents - but you know, a little brain washing goes a long way ;)

Good luck.

[RockStar Mommy]

The grammar in the last comment of mine is enough to make me want to puke. I'm sorry everybody.

[-erica]

I have in-law problems, too, the worst being my SIL who thankfully is very far away so we rarely have to deal with her. It was made worse by the fact that my husband thought I was "overreacting" to how she was treating me. Then she turned her sights on her own mother, and my husband finally saw the light, and realized what kind of person she is. Previously, I had the opposite problem to you - when I was verbally attacked, I would clam up, go in a corner, and stew about it, dreaming up angry retorts - after it was too late to say them. I took it and took it and took it until the straw finally broke the camel's back, I blew up, and I threw her, her husband, my FIL, and my MIL out one day while they were visiting. Essentially, my husband's whole family, out the door, in one swell foop. Not a move I recommend to anybody. Now here it is, many years later, she is far away, I send her pictures of the kids, we don't talk. Everything is peachy. The only coping mechanism I can recommend is to get a fish tank. We just set up a fish tank this weekend, the first in my adult life, and there isn't even any fish in it yet - just rising bubbles and rocks and a gently humming filter - and it is mesmerizing. I can't stop going over to sit in front of it and stare into the "depths". It will probably have an even more calming effect when we go get the little fishies for it, in the next day or two.

[GG]

It is my unsolicited opinion that Logan is adopted.

[Pam in Indiana]

So you know how Dooce has people using her name as verb: "I can't talk about my job because I don't want to be dooced."?

You deserve the same recognition:

"The poor woman was blissed for talking about her MIL's God awful lasagna." (or would that be unblissed?)

I hope all is well (as it can be) in Summersland!

[coffeegirl]

I can only hope my boys marry women half as vibrant, witty and rockin' as you. I feel sorry for your husband's family because they can't see what a fucking awesome daughter-in-law they have. Their loss.

[-erica]

I should add that often the topic of conversation at my local MOMS Club (how do I link in a comment?) Mom's Night Out turns to: "How could people so awful and alien and different to us bring up the wonderful men we married" (along with the inevitable pregnancy and labor stories). It is a puzzling thought, isn't it?

[ravyn6]

They call them "in laws" to remind you of all the illegal things you can't/shouldn't do them.

I don't know what I would do if anyone I knew in life could find me on the Internet. I'd have to resort to hidden meanings in limricks.

I think you have handled what I've read of the situation beautifully.

[becca]

In case it hasn't been said yet, I absolutely loved the preschool picture and the brilliant captioning. Best use of flickr I have seen. Such a shame you had to take it down.

[Anne]

Just found your site here on toxic inlaws and boy can I relate to that!! I have lived in a toxic inlaw enviroment for 18.5 years now and until 3 years ago I didn't realize that I had a choice to NOT live this way. My inlaws are very self-centered people, (narcisstic is what the therapists call it)and it has not been fun or very pretty. The whole world is supposed to revolve around them and you are the one who is supposed to make them happy and give them what they want and need in their lives. BS! One reply I read on this site said to sit down and talk to them. My husband and I did this...very calmly, very adult and it was seen as an attack on them,I was told I was being too sensitive! Excuse me for having feelings and being upset because they choose not to treat me with dignity and respect. We have tried to set boundaries and even have had further discussions but THEY DON'T GET IT! The expectations from them are that we just sit there and suck it up(this from my SIL)and do not rock the boat. Heaven forbid if someone was to get upset and have to deal with some disappointment! That's life, you're supposed to feel your feelings and express them, not stuff them. That is not a healthy way to live. For me I spent a year and a half away from them and on the advice of the therapist I was seeing at the time, I went back into the realtionship. Bad mistake! It's now been another year and a half and I am seeing a new therapist who has said to me (after learning of my relationship with my inlaws)Why do you keep going to see these people. They are toxic! So needless to say the last few weeks I have been doing alot of thinking on this and have not gone with my husband the last few times to visit. Well needless to say that has not gone well! MIL is very upset and does not understand that my relationship with them is not good for me. Then when I didn't go there on Mothers day I got shit from my SIL who basically said "How dare you not go visit my mother on mothers day?" They just don't realize that life is about choices,they choose not to give themselves choices. I on the other hand do. I've been going to therapy for 3 years now to help me deal with what this has done to me, my marriage, and my life. They have done nothing and I can't change them. To them it is all about me and they have done nothing to contribute to the downfall of the relationship. I'm to blame! It's not easy to end any relationship, but when the cost is too high to keep it, you really need to let it go. And that's what I need to do...divorce my inlaws! so that I can get on with my life and be who I want to be and forget about this crap of having to change so that I can be like them.(This has been said to me in the past by them, that I need to change, that who I am is not good enough for them.)Thank you for this web site. It feels good to know that I am not alone in this situation and am not the only one with inlaws who just don't get it. I'm 43 and it's time for me to really start living!