Hamway IS the way.

Logan was a draftsman for a local builder while in high school and college. Some of us worked at Meijer and were attacked by rabid customers. Others of us modeled without clothes on for Life Drawing classes. Some of us even sold our plasma to finance our way through college.

Logan was Mr Brady at his drafting table.

When some of us were asking, 'Do you want fries with that?', Logan was saying 'Do you want a cathedral ceiling on that?'

One day when we were newly married, an old work friend of Logan's from his drafting days called and asked us to dinner to discuss a "business" she was starting. We were excited to see her and her new husband (even though their wedding invitation had a couple on a Harley Davidson and actually said TLA in the text. I just gagged), and anxious to hear about this "business".

The dinner is a swirl of drawings and flow charts and vague references to "The Business". I was a student at the time and my goodness! Students are great at this "business" and Logan? You're a graphic designer? Excellent because you'll be great at this "business" too! Amazing isn't it! It almost seemed like everyone could be good at this "business".

When the charts of McDonald's and the questions about my "Hopes and Dreams" started I realized AND blurted out, "THIS IS AMWAY ISN'T IT!!!!???"

Ashen.

Ashen is the color our new "business" partner's face turned.

"You've heard of it?"

Uh....yes from my brother who was really pissed he'd wasted an afternoon being pitched not even a month ago.

A few days after this I related the story of the "business" proposal to friends and someone said, "Wouldn't it have been perfect if he'd answered, 'No, not Amway, THIS is Hamway."

We went on to spray beer all over the table and delight in "The Hamway Way Of Life!"

"Ham, it's the way! Hamway!"

"I realize you can't actually eat ham," we'd say to the kosher Jew. "Hamway transcends ham! Hamway is the way!"

"You don't like ham? People who hate ham are perfect for Hamway!"

"Look, the thing you have to ask yourself is, do I want to surround myself in all white meat? Or do I want to grab life by the horns and get into ham? This is where Hamway comes in. Hamway can make your dreams come true."

Yes, well we were drunk and it was funny at the time.

I hope I've given you enough background to see why it is that when I went to Fed Ex the plans for Logan's parent's dream home I had to heartily laugh and resist the urge to pitch my cashier on the life fullfillment that only Hamway can offer, when I saw the name of the builder.

"Hamway, we build dream houses....with Ham!"

Comments

[y]

Honeybaked hamway.

[briantologist]

Dude, I knew this guy in high school who even then was trying to get us to sell Amway crap! His line: "Do you wanna be a dreamer ... or work for a dreamer?" I'm still not even really clear on what that means, but it only makes me laugh more as the years pass.

[jilbur]

Listen. (she said urgently) I lived in Boston for quite a while, and there's this pathology in Massachusetts about ham, because there must needs be lo, great multitudes of the towns of Massachusetts with names ending in 'ham.'

And my friends and I made a whole narrative of this, embellished over the years:
Needham!
Wareham?
Stoneham! ...
Dedham.

[Jennifer]

I'm sorry...what were you saying? I was busy spewing beer after reading your current sidebar ads...

[Poppy]

I actually used to voluntarily have sexual relations with someone who sold Amway. On a regular basis. While sober.

I would have preferred the ham.

[jilbur]

it probably would have been even more annoying if he had sold Amway sporadically while drunk.

[BugsMom]

I thought "THEY" had all disappeared. I am now forwarned that any future business propositions may once again be this.

[Maia]

Oy-yoy... the old pyramid sceme. I hear pyramid and I am outta there. High priced products, signing people on, (alienating friends family and strangers) blah blah. Cultish really.

What do you mean 'ugly feet'?! Maybe we should all have an ugly feet contest within your readership? :)

[Maia]

(Because I would SO win).

[Katie]

Go Diamond!!

[Phil]

Ooh - didja see the movie "Go!"? Didja? Didja? Because if you haven't, I can't tell you the Amway joke you've just made me think of.

[Pam]

That's almost spooky irony! It's a sign that any day now, your porch will be full of surprise delivery of hams. Lots and lots of hams. Some heavenly, some not so heavenly.

As for Amway. Ugh. I grew up in Amway Central over in West Michigan. Everybody sold it. Lots of our summer residents in Grand Haven had cottages supposively bought with Amway earnings.

[Jenny]

Oh, Pam, I SO hear you. I grew up in GR. Until I was in my late 20s I thought Amtrak was owned by the DeVos and VanAndel clan. Yup. I thought our NATIONAL train system was related to Amway.

[JT]

Oh, my goodness. Reminds me of the book "Shampoo Planet," by Douglas Coupland. The main character's grandparents lose all their money, and get involved in a pyramid scheme to sell "KittyWhip," which is like soft-serve pukey cat food. It's freakin' hysterical.

I like "Hamway transcends ham!"

[Stacy]

I spent my first summer away from home working on Mackinac Island, at a hotel/conference center. I remember the Amway conference. It was... um... high-energy? They were... um... very detail-oriented? Okay, fine, they were anal retentive freaks.

[Rebecca]

Beware the many names....

The word Quixtar should make you run too.

::shivers::

[Stephanie]

Be thankful it wasn't a meeting to rope you into The Team of Destiny bullcrap!

[Nicholas]

"Does anyone else smell ammonia?"

explained.
http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/meetings/meetings.html

[WindyLou]

The wave of the future is JuicePlus+
GAG. My friend, that is sucked in, sends Christmas form newsletters (you know, the bad photocopy on the red paper)in which she sells the JP+ and encloses order forms.

[Torrie]

Sometimes life is perfect-for a moment.

[Gerah]

Ah, yes. My brother-in-law came over one night to tell us that "his life had been changed, and ours could be too."

About a week later his wife had a mental breakdown and he gave up on trying to change other people's lives. I think he realized he needed to work on his own.

[beerzie boy]

I prefer the term Scamway, myself. Now Herbalife, there is a legitimate business.

[Lil' Sis]

Once, when I was a desperate unemployed 19-year-old, I responded to a newspaper ad that gave absolutely NO explanation of the "postition." Turned out to be for an Amway-like "natural cleaning supply company" pyramid scam. This one speaker came up to me after the demo and told me, "You know, I don't take people under my wing often, but I can really tell that you have what it takes to sell this, so I will mentor you. But you really gotta want it. DO YOU WANT IT?!" And dear god, did I want it. Until I got out of the ether they must have been spraying into that conference room. Now, I count my Butter Butler (tm) as one of my favorite posessions, and I know I would use the RonCo Rotisserie cooker even though I am a vegetarian. I buy EVERYTHING. But even I couldn't be sold on that shite. Damn.

Miao.

[leigh]

Cutco anyone? I made it through two days of (unpaid) training before I ran screaming. Even though I was told I could "really excel." At selling knives.

[southernfriedgirl]

They nailed me too and wasted like 3 hours of my life I will never get back. When I made them explain things like 12 times, I think they realized I was on to their "This is so not a pyramid" stories.

[Ellie]

(embarrassed) Uh...yeah, Cutco. My niece roped us into buying that when she was making her "fortune". I was trying to stay on Sis's good side. Managed to fend her off on the big ticket items, but still felt screwed. Good news! She's into Jesus now and Jesus is free!

[Texas T-bone]

Yeah, Amway is now Quixtar or Quixstar or something like that. I thought that was the planet thingee they blew up in the first Star Wars.