Presents!

Today I got two presents.

A while back the sarcastic journalist saw thisbook on my amazon wish list.

She had the book and offered to send it to me and so I sent my address to her and said, 'if you're a stalker, this is a very clever plan.' She said she wasn't a stalker and sent the book and surprise! I'm the stalker, her return address was on the envelope and so now I'm driving to Texas to find her.

Duh. The internet is a very dangerous place.

The book is just sublime. I wish I was having a baby so I could incorporate some of the ideas. But there are a few things I could put into the kids rooms I have now. Like this lamp.

Also this dollhouse.

If I ever throw a baby shower, rest assured it will look like this:

Also today Max and I came home from the library and found a package on our porch.

Flea @ One Good Thing sent a package of......PEE WEE VIDEOS!

Like 8 of them. My children were so happy, especially because Logan appears to be holding our Netflix list hostage lately. To quote him, "If they want to watch a movie they'll watch "The Motorcycle Diaries" or they'll go to bed!"

Hooray for Flea!

But then, in the bottom of the box was something all wrapped in a deceptive package. A gingham package with a red ribbon. I thought it was biscotti. But it wasn't.

It was a Techno-Vagine. (!!!!)

I like to think I'm an open minded person sexually. I've written about my "phone" you know. But when Logan and I went to Chicago and stopped in at the Honeysuckle Shop, the thing I was struck by was the latex vagina sitting on a classy bookshelf right across from the cash register.

Not only that, my catholic-ish self was struck by the fact that people can make polite small talk while a Latex Vagina stares at you.

Thanks to Flea, I'm now practicing making small talk with a latex vagina staring at you. In fact, Friday I'm putting it out during our playgroup, just to see how everyone responds.

Internet, you're like my family. I love you and hate you with equal passion.

Comments

[Erin]

A friend of mine works for an "adult bookstore." If you think it's hard to make polite conversation while a latex vagina stares at you, try making polite conversation while
"All-Male Nude Canadian Oil Wrestling" plays on the large tv screen in the background. Whoo boy.

[Karen]

Wow, I need a friend like flea. I can't even decide what the best part of that package was.

[Lisa V]

I think you need to go find a line of Star Wars nerds, waiting to see Sith for the 80th time, and give them your techno vagina. Most of them don't know what a real vagina feels like. It would be like an act of charity. I bet most of them live with their moms, so they never get toys like this.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

Again, glad you liked it. I also have your address (duh!) and plan on stalking you and your pretty new vagina.

That sounded wrong.

[chester]

that was a picture of my baby shower! clever and entertaining!

[mamaloo]

I so totally don't know how to respond right now!

[Flippy]

You need to hang out for a while in San Francisco. The Folsom Street Fair, Good Vibrations, etc. When I lived there for five years, I became very relaxed about seeing nude guys with strange piercings (or being whipped - that was a bit uncomfortable) and going to Good Vibes checking out all of the merchandise while interesting people all around me discussed the merits of said merchandise. The first time I went to the Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood, I was pretty much freaked out. When I was in San Francisco, in Good Vibes, it was like being in an unusual gift shop. Boy, I really miss living in that horrifyingly expensive city - the fog, the food, the public transportation, the cool residents... When I am a multimillionaire, I shall buy a small second home there. There's nothing like sitting in your home and watching the fog roll in from both sides of the Bay Bridge, through the middle of downtown. Oh, I miss it.

Oh, and Pee Wee? Awesome!

[clickmom]

I am totally jealous. I am the kind of friend who mails vibrators, (and drops the package in the postoffice, so that it turns on, and I am forced to open my package in front of everyone to remove the batteries) But no one has ever sent me a vagina, although I am not sure what I would do with it, I would love to have good friends like that. I get peanut butter in my mailbox from friends who frown upon my jarred kind and insist I have to try the fresh ground. I guess I am lucky after all.

You crack me up.

[JT]

You're making with the funny again.

The first time I met the wondrous Flea we were having a delightful conversation in the Honeysuckle, talking about our boys, when a customer came in to shop and I realized we were having this total Mom conversation while I stood in front of a wall of penises. It was just the most bizarre thing.

So I paid for my flimsy beautiful negligee and went on my way... and now I just read One Good Thing to hear about the various ways Flea can shock her neighbors with her garage-o'-penises.

[Heather]

I have no need for a techno vagina, but could use a new phone. When my mother in law helped move us, her and the pop-in-law picked up the bed mattress and there was my phone....... imagine it. I could have used the techno vagina then------I needed something to crawl into!!!! My "hubbin" walked into room, grabbed phone up and chunked it in the garbage (like how dare I have one of those????) So now i need a new phone. I've been wireless ever since...........

[Mir]

Wait, you get flea market decorating tips and the kids get Peewee videos and Logan gets a second vagina? I think Flea is after your robotic man, Melissa. Be wary.

My mail now seems dull and lifeless in comparison.

[MelissaS]

Well if she'd sent along a note that read, "Tell Logan this is an exact replica of my vagina," Then I'd be a bit concerned.

We're thinking about regifting it to one of our friends who's wife is about to give birth. Heeee!

Heather: I WOULD DIE ON THE FUCKING SPOT. I'M TOTALLY SERIOUS.

[christy]

Melissa: You would die mostly because that would mean your inlaws were in your house which would mean hell just froze over.

Also, can you take a new picture of the vagina with something next to it for scale? I am really curious about that.

[KellyH]

You can totally throw me a baby shower like that, I'm due in 7 weeks!

Oh, and pass along the Techo-vagina to my hubs, 'cause he ain't gettin' any, and hasn't for quite a while. . .

[sweetney]

oh god, seriously -- and don't think i'm proud of this fact -- just looking at that vagina thing makes me nauseous. bleech.

[Michelle]

The packaging is perplexing. Are there three vaginas in the box? Why would anyone need three?

[flea]

Wow, UPS is fast! I mailed that on Monday afternoon. I'm so glad I gave a present the whole family can enjoy. While the kids are busy watching PeeWee, you, Logan and the vagina can...do whatever it is that you're going to do in another room.

Michelle, there's just one vagina in the box, but they want you to know they make three different styles, a technoskin vagina, butt, and something else that I can't remember. I think it's a vagina with boobs. The company was too cheap to make three different boxes, I guess.

[Janis]

Michelle-- Because variety is the spice of life?

Too funny!

[Texas T-bone]

Gosh, how come the cool kids get the best stalkers? The only two creepy people who stalked me used to either send me creepy letters or leave bizarre messages on my answering machine. Both kept demanding money and said they worked for various financial institutions. Yeah, right!

[Greg]

Between the technoskin vagina and phone, you now have the props to help you explain the birds and the bees. “The talk” could be a puppet show.

I’ve prepared what I'll say....”go ask Mommy”.

[Y]

I had to stop reading at the part where you said "The Sarcastic Journalist" asked you for your address.

She's never asked ME for my address, even though I've asked her for HERS.

You must be WAY hotter than me.

[DM]

I love flea. When I ordered my stuff from her, she sent me a personalized note. I am tempted to scrapbook it. Except I can just see my mom looking through it and saying "You ordered what?"

[Tuesday]

I am fascinated by that techno vagina.
I have to get me one of those, if only to stare at it throught the day.

[Clarity]

I second the request for something to show scale!
The booby-fied version looks exactly the same size as the boob-less one, so until something proves otherwise I'm stuck thinking it's like a miniature blow up doll for guys with a midget fetish...and...and...now I need to go wash my mind out with bleach. Thanks Melissa :S

[Sarcomical]

hey...Sarcastic Journalist is supposed to have me over for brownies sometime. can i hitch a ride? heh-heh.

ummmm...that last bit of surprise at the bottom of the box...it scares me. yes it does, it scares me a little bit. thank god you didn't open it up for us.

[Lil' Sis]

Flippy- I used to live down the street from The Pleasure Chest. They had a huge sign- "ENTER IN REAR" that made me laugh every time I saw it.
Heather- Good lord! I would have beat the crap out of him, then gone out & bought that super-deluxe japanese one to replace the tossed one. Don't mess with a woman & her toys.
Lis, I have GOT to see that thing. Man! Think of the art projects!

miao.

[styro]

Yay! Now once you procure the Scotty-Dog Lamp, the creepy crepe stork and a fancy dollhouse, you can add them to the TechnoVag and the PeeWee vids and have more stuff to not sell at the next yard sale! HOORAY!

[Stacy]

Okay, I know comments are closed on the entry about the (((GASP))) photo, so you can totally delete this, but for some reason I've got that song from South Park in my head: "Weeeeeeeeeeellllll, Kyle's Mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world." Is it just me?

[Tara]

When my husband and I were moving, the movers came in and packed everything so fast that I didn't even have time to get my "phone" out of the closet and totally forgot about until we were unpacking a few months later. I opened a box and there was my "phone" just lying on top of a bunch of clothes. I don't know what was more horrifying; me letting all these movers see my "phone" or the fact that the movers actually touched my "phone."

[april]

Sorry to be commenting off topic, but I have to know, are you PHYSICALLY moving, as in to a new house, or are you moving this website. Please don't tell me that one day I am going to try to open up suburbanbliss and its not going to be there.

[MelissaS]

No actually 'Me' [deleted comment], if i didn't like a picture you posted of my child, with your own child and you happened to have my child supposedly saying a swear word....let's just say I found it offensive.

I'd ask you to remove it. If you did, I'd then thank you for understanding how I'd feel about it and I'd attempt to move on.

I wouldn't behave like a psychotic involving the school administration and our mutual friends in the debacle if I GOT WHAT I ASKED FOR.

So there's that. But you deal with it however you see fit you annoying tiny little person. A picture which was up for less than 48 hours is definitely worth the hassle you've caused yourself and me.

"For once try to understand someone else's point of view."

I did. That's why I removed the picture immediately AND apologized, not once, not twice....THREE TIMES. Yet these people continue to whirl around in a tizzy about a stupid picture with an amusing (to some, not to them, which is why I removed it when they let me know they didn't like it....that's called 'understanding another's point of view') caption.

Perhaps you can explain to me the logic of this type of over reaction to a small oversight on my part. An oversight I have remedied and apologized for several times.

Can you? You could try....by using the actual phone or my email address.