Penile Misunderstandings.

Misunderstandings are the theme of my weekend.

I wrote something yesterday and I really wasn't talking about me. I've actually come to a place where I am satisfied with where things are going. I'm only 31 and there's time for me to write something and maybe put it into book form. It's not time for me to do it. But when it is time I won't be slapping a cover on my blog and calling it a book. That's all I was saying really. I'm obviously still processing my feelings about that since I let other people get under my skin so deeply in this regard but....ah well.

When I'm 40 I'm going to be mature. I thought it was 30 that would make me mature, but that hasn't worked out very well.

I needed a new icon for my website and I tried to find a picture of myself but I have ugly years, and 2005 is an ugly year. So I was out. I moved on to pictures of the kids, but without Photoshop skills it's impossible to get them close enough together to make an icon-worthy shot.

I thought to myself, "What pictures have made me happy lately?"

My feet have made me pretty happy lately. I know that's odd, but I'm in utter shock that my feet can look this nice plus that picture of my feet at the pool immediately makes me smell sunscreen (just a number 4!) and remember how I didn't have a single fucking thing to do all day.

It's an addicting feeling, having nothing to do. The picture of my feet reminds me of when I didn't have anything to do all day.

I should have known that posting pictures of my feet and writing about my ticklish feet during a pedicure would bring out those people who have a fetish about feet. Especially ticklish feet.

In the last week I've gotten 7 emails from men, about half of whom claim to own a nail salon. Amazing! They read about my pedicure and just 'had to laugh' because they've had clients who are very ticklish. They happen to find it very "amusing" [read: "arousing"] to watch their clients pretend not to be tickled when they are so obviously struggling with the 'intense sensation' of having someone touch their feet.

Uhm......okay.....

Also, they hope I don't mind but I have lovely feet and would I ever want to chat via Yahoo or MSN?

I have maintained, since the mid 90's that there is a penis behind everything on the internet. The penis drives the internet.

Comments

[Greg]

That is absolutely ridiculous! And never mind that I'm currently moving my mouse without using my hands.

[Marnie]

The statement "When I'm 40 I'm going to be mature." made me laugh out loud. Really loud. I've been thinking for years that, if I just get older, I'll be more mature. HA! Here's what I've found out: you're as mature as you feel. Sucks for some, great for others, but true. My father, who just turned 60, confided in me that he had never left his mid-30s. A friend who just turned 40 said she still felt like she had just graduated from college. And my MIL, who is in her 60s, said she's always felt around 40. I've always felt early 30s, and I can attest that I haven't matured in the last 5 years. I'm stuck. I need to figure out how to make the best of it, and just go with it. Bodies change (even though no one warns us) but it's all good. Enjoy whatever age you are, don't be mature.

[Phil]

Somewhere in there, there's got to be a joke about "headlights".

And man, you made me happy just thinking about my own occasional vacations-with-nothing-to-do. Mmmm. May you soon return to such a place.

[Steph Bryant]

I resisted commenting on your feet the first time you posted the picture of them - but I just can not hold back now that you have created a post based almost completely on them. They just are not attractive feet. And I think feet are not repulsive, in general. But some feet should not be flaunted. Yours are just such feet. Get over yourself.

[Penny Pressed]

The penis does indeed drive the internet. And that penis is Al Gore.

[Maia]

My sis got her first pedicure on Friday. She was so impressed I think she wanted me to caress her foot. I think I will stick to just looking at your pic. AND scheduling one for myself!

[jac]

Hey, I was just coming by to comment and ... whoa! Just about tripped over that shrivelled sense of humour that someone lost in here!

Hey, and I just wanted to say? I don't like your kids. Stop posting about them. Unless you change their names to Cosima and Zippy; then it'd be OK. Also: your cat. No more pictures of giant cannibal cats. I'm against them. They hurt my sensitive feelings. You can post pictures of your hair, your lower back and perhaps your laundry, but only if you run it by me first. Good. I'm glad we talked.

[Sarah]

Wow steph bryant. You're a bitch.

[MelissaS]

Oh dear, Steph Bryant....are you the 'Salon Owner' who wanted to chat, and now you're feeling angry I rebuked your advances?

I'm sorry. From now on please let me know what photographs I post that you don't like. I'll be sure to deal with that immediately. You're so brazen on the anonymous internet.

[LadyBel]

What the hell was Steph doing up at 12:30 am looking and commenting about pics of your feet? Freak...

I do have a question though, in regards to feet, does everyone have a less attractive foot? My right foot is much nicer looking than my left foot. Just curious...

P.S. I have my 1 hour European pedicure scheduled for tomorrow! I figured I would squeeze it in before going to have my baby on Friday!

[LisaV]

What's a European pedicure and can we all buy a gift certificate for Steph Bryant to get one ? Maybe it will cheer her up from that really bitchy place she is in.

[Di]

I think "Steph Bryant" must be one of those foot fetish salon owners who can't chat with you on Yahoo! Pity.

[Lesley]

Ha ha ha! Steph, you're making me laugh!
Get over YOUR self!

[Bonnie]

I just had a pedicure right here in Europe (Germany) a week ago, and it was pretty much like the one I had last fall in Texas. Do you think I'm being cheated?

[Marcie]

That's funny you said the penis drives the internet, I've come to find it drives the world. Or as a friend of mine says "It all comes down to the dick or the dollar". Kind of depressing since I have neither of those, unless I can claim my husband's, dick that is, he does'nt have any dollars either.

[annie]

"When I'm 40 I'll be mature" got me, too. I remember thinking that, but somehow the opposite happened. Which is not a bad thing...

[sarah]

The internet-driving penis with a foot fetish... If not a book, there's at least a short story in there somewhere.

[southernfriedgirl]

I also did not find maturity at 30. Perhaps 40 for me as well. Here's hoping. As for the feet stuff, men are just strange. I try to ignore them.

[Jenny]

Steph Bryant appears to want to slap a cover on her blog and call it a book.

Either that or she has bunions.

[Torrie]

Yea, I put Site Tracker on my site a couple of weeks ago. It is disturbing to me to see all of the weird Google searches that people have found my site through.

[beerzie boy]

Personally, I think Steph Bryant is actually Ann Coulter.

[Mir]

I'm so sorry that Steph was held at gunpoint, er, wait, no--PENISpoint and forced to gaze upon your FULL OF THEMSELVES feet. That must have been very traumatic for her, and now she's suffering from PTFD (post-traumatic foot disorder). If you could please immediately stop BEING that would help her immensely, and I'm sure we all want to see her get well. Thanks for your cooperation.

By the way? So unfair, about the penis. And yet... I cannot forsake the penis. I know I should. I've very conflicted, I tell you.

[JT]

Feet don't turn me on at all. I must say though, if you can stand another comment on your particular feet, that I'm monstrously jealous. Your feet do look very nice in that pic. I have weirdly shaped toenails, due to botched surgery on ingrown big-toe-nails when I was 14, so my size 11's look even more freakish to me when I see those teeny, skinny, little nails on my big honking toes.

I have heard rumors that some strange women who hate their toes have actually had falsies put on their TOES. I'm weird, and I hate my toes, but I'm not that weird. So I'll just be mildy and ridiculously jealous of your pretty, red toes. But I won't begrudge them. You deserve it.

[MelissaS]

Hey! I had a dream the other night that I got out of the shower and all the red paint was gone and I had these weird gray/white toenails. Logan reached over and popped one off....underneath were my red nails and I couldn't figure out who put false nails on my toes.

It was probably Steph. Okay, I'll let that go now. Maybe.

[S]

I'm just skipping through on a tour of the internet. Everybody has a blog, and everybody wants to write a book. It's the cool thing to do now. Everyone can blog, but it doesn't take much to succeed at it, you just write and people like me up your hit list. Everyone CAN write a book, but success at it is much more tightly regulated. The abilities are not mutually exclusive, but I agree that not all bloggers can write books, yet almost all think they can and should. It irks me when people get all high and mighty over their blogging ability. Yours is nice though. More power to you if you do the book and make it work.

[JC]

Just as everyone has, since time immmemorial, thought they could write a book, everyone now thinks they can blog.Obviously it has never been true and the truly talented are few and far between. You, however, qualify. Big time. And the fact that you don't think you do is that irresistible tortured artist quality so prevelant among writers. We love you and you can't stop us. So there. Oh,and I hate to disappoint you yet again,but maturity does not come with age or else I wouldn't find 'Old School' to be so freakin' hilarious.

[EFG]

I'm 29 and had assumed that when I turn 30 at long last my shit would miraculously come together and I'd be Mature. You've dashed my hopes. I'd vaguely imagined that having kids gave one Mature Street Cred, but if all you guys with kids don't feel mature, then what hope do I have? Maybe I should get a few more cats.

You know what, though? Being me has its problems, but at least I know what they are. I'd sure hate to be Steph Bryant.

[susan]

<>

oh oh, that's an easy dream to analyze! The joy over your red nails is clouded by worry that the instruments they used weren't properly sanitized. Curse those tv shows and magazine articles that reveal the dark underbelly of all things good and fun.

[Wayne]

When I mentioned yesterday that writing about writing bores me, I forgot to add that there are exceptions, and you would be one of them. When I made that comment I was thinking more of blogs that are all like, "I went to the coffee shop and waited for inspiration to hit me. A pigeon landed on the sidewalk and I thought it might symbolize something -- perhaps my lost muse -- but I couldn't write about it. I kept staring at the blank screen, in despair about all the terrific writing I never do."

[MollieBee]

Haha...the feet people found you.

I got a friend who gets a woody everytime I wear sandals. It's oddly fascinating.

[Kathy]

nah -- maturity won't come at 40 -- or 50 for that matter.

[chris]

Hi. I am actually one of those men who you scoffed at in your recent blog. No, I don't proclaim to own a nail salon or wish to force my interests down anyone's internet throat, however, I think you'd be thoroughly surprised just how many men find sexy pedicured feet and pretty manicured hands more than a little arousing. It's the same interest piqued by women who are attracted to rugged muscular guys, in reverse. Femininity vs. masculinity. I find most men simply don't have the personal self-confidence to admit their interest or fetish. I've had many girlfriends who have found it can be fun to find their man's weakness and exploit it, (all in fun), publicly or elsewhere as a teasing tool. I think on the internet, however, quite a few men simply act anti-socially despereate about their fetishes thereby making them look sick or weird,(since they can remain anonymous). Just know there are also men who can act like gentlemen and not want you to describe every detail of your pedicure in an instant message. Funny as it may seem, Ive had girlfriends who had body part fetishes for parts of me that I initially thought strange, but seeing how much it turned them on had the same effect on me. Oh yeah, your toes do look pretty, lol. bye, C...

[Lil' Sis]

These italics are driving me nuts.
Better.

Well, then. Ahem. STEPH BRYANT- STOP READING, YOU MORON! IT'S CLEARLY NOT APPEALING TO YOU, AND NOBODY IS FORCING YOU! JUST STOP! I'll even help you- Go here.

That is all.

Miao.

[mamaloo]

I too wanted to bitch-slap Steph Bryant but didn't have the nerve last night, when nobody else had seen her comment yet. And since you've all done such a great job since then, I will just add WHAT THEY SAID!!

[alice, uptown]

Maturity is overrated.