Bumpy Transition

I've been meaning to tell you a story about another mother, Leslie, from preschool. Leslie is one of the mothers (there are many of them actually, some are in my actual life and not just taunting me on the internet) who give me hope that not all mothers have to make me want to jump head first out a plate glass window.

It appears I've created a monster with the comments here (no you didn't imply that my fair beautiful friendly funny friend Leslie has a hairy ass. Oh no, tell me you didn't do that just now!). When I say I "hate" Leslie, what I really mean is I "hate" the fact that I can't do it like she does. That I'm jealous. That she's a wonderful woman and if I were choosing someone to have babies with, I would choose her over me because I am certifiably insane and also very bad at navigating those weeks when you are suddenly NOT pregnant anymore.

However, I still hate her and I can't help it.

One Thursday Leslie came to preschool dropoff looking particularly pregnant. Since I've known her (her little boy joined our class midway through the school year) she'd been a cute pregnant person. And honestly, I didn't want to hate her for it, I wanted to rise above it and like her for her funny sense of humor and her adherence to my strict policy of not sugar coating the hardest parts of raising small children. But there it was, I hated her for being a cute pregnant person.

Leslie carries a baby like Maddie's pregnant barbie does, with what appears to be a pop off belly magnetically laid over the top of her tight abdomen. She is what people call "All Baby". People said I was "All Baby" which means my baby was seeping up into my fat face and squirming around to take residence in my ass. Also, what pregnancy does to this woman's hair makes Chrissy and I sit and talk to her, as if we're paying attention, but we're really fantasizing about pulling it all up into a thick and luxurious pony tail and gnawing on it.

That Thursday though, Leslie finally looked pregnant. The kind of pregnant I remembered, except with better hair and no baby seeping into her face. She had another month until her due date and I felt so bad for having hated her for being such a cute pregnant person when she would have another month of being particularly pregnant all while caring for a 19 month old, a 2.5 year old and a 3.75 year old.

The following Tuesday, 4 weeks before her due date, Leslie came to morning drop off looking, once again, particularly not pregnant.

I didn't think things could get much more cruel. How could she suddenly not look pregnant when, at 4 weeks before my due date, I hobbled around crying all day because my legs were falling right out of my hip sockets. Which hurts if you'd like to know.

I stared at her thinking about what to say. How could I tell her she didn't look pregnant like she did on Thursday? Wouldn't that imply I'd been looking at her on Thursday thinking, "Wow, you look so HUGE today"

It never once occured to me that between Thursday and Tuesday she'd actually given birth. She didn't look like someone who'd given birth. At all.

After I gave birth, each time, I looked like the walking dead. You might see me and think, "That reminds me of Melissa....except sort of crazier looking." I was not myself. I was like a big sponge of hormones and if you touched me I would dissolve into a salty pool of hormones. If the baby cried, I would dissolve into a pool of hormones. If there was no vodka left in the freezer, I would lay on the floor sobbing in a heap....never mind, I still do that.

But there was Leslie, in real pants, with an actual face not marked with red welts from the crying and the rubbing. There were no visible signs of dementia or signs she might bolt into Canada if we all stopped looking for just one second. She looked like herself, only without a baby in front and she seemed fine with that. Maybe even "Joyous".

Leslie noticed me staring at her having an internal dialogue about the kindness of telling her she didn't look fat today but last Thursday, Jesus! You were HUGE!

She saved me and said, "I wish you could see your face right now. I had the baby!"

And I squealed, louder than I've ever squealed about the arrival of a new baby.

I think I also squealed because what I sort of wanted to do was throw her down on the ground and beat her senseless for being so good at being pregnant. For being so good at giving birth (6lbs ish at 4 weeks premature!?). For being able to walk around in public just a few short days later (keeping in mind she has a three children already, 3 and under) and for looking not pregnant when she stopped being pregnant.

Squealing seemed like a nicer reaction than a body slam.

Four days postpartum you wouldn't have found me out in the light of the regular world. You'd find me standing in a hot shower soaking up my own hormone tears. The first time I left the house without the baby after having Madison I stood in the bank looking around and adding the two checks I had for deposit over and over and over because, gosh, What is $100 plus $50? What is it! OH MY GOD.

Then the sobbing started again and I told the teller I didn't have the baby with me, but I did have a baby and I am now stupid. Can you add this up for me?

She said, "Sure I can help you but it looks like that baby left behind a twin....in your ass."

I killed her.

But there was Leslie, looking just like herself except not pregnant.

Last Friday we had a playgroup at my house and we cracked open the very first drink I've ever seen Leslie have with us (since she's been pregnant since I've known her). While chatting about the new baby, who drank a bottle and slept for the rest of the day, I mentioned what a calm baby he is.

She replied, "Well yes, but he's only 2 weeks old."

I realized I thought he must be at least 6 weeks old because I was unable to leave my house with all the psychotic episodes and the tears and the feeling I was living inside my skull but not really inhabiting my body.

But there was Leslie, hanging out like she'd never been pregnant at all. So we toasted to her! And to us! And I secretly toasted to Logan's vasectomy and Zoloft because I really suck at transitioning to new motherhood.

I also leaned over, and without Leslie noticing I stuck a tendril of her hair in my drink, just to soak up it's thick and good at newborn parenting goodness.

Adding: Today at the park, Leslie said to me, as she burped one child in her right hand and two others sat on her thigh gnawing on crackers, "I feel like there's some velcro stuck to me." and I, being an asshole, looked at her shoulder wondering how on earth a piece of velcro got on her back. But she was referring to the children sticking to her.

I know you want to hate her but she's so fucking nice and funny and calm. That witch!

Comments

[clickmom]

Yeah, Leslie, right, who needs her anyways!

You'd think she could have some consideration for the rest of us, and least skip a shower or something. Don't make eye contact!

[Leah]

Wow...I was so much more like you than Leslie after I had my son! I really appreciate how honest you are about what it's REALLY like in the begining ;)

[NCJen]

Yeah, there's one of those women at my kids' preschool too. She has three daughters in the school, runs the PTA and organizes teacher appreciation gifts and every other thing, then has a fourth baby and is back on the playground, with the baby and the three girls, wearing regular clothes and not looking the least bit postpartum, three days later. Literally, three days later. I saw her holding the baby, asked how old he was, and was floored. How do you even load four kids in car seats three days after giving birth? WTF!

Rumor has it she checked out of the hospital EARLY. Explain that one to me. Three kids at home and you leave the hospital early?

At least your ubermom seems like a nice person. Mine is a frosty bitch.

[Poppy]

She, like your husband, is obviously a robot.

[MelissaS]

Clearly a robot. If they were married no one would talk to them at parties.

[bridget]

Never posted but read your Blog daily and love it!
I am one of those moms. Had #3 on Friday, Got busted by midwife at Safeway on Sunday. I had to take potatos to easter brunch right? THen it hit me, the WTF have I done to my life and I had to go on THC and get a nanny. Its all good now but gosh it was truely dicey at 6 wks. AND guess what, selling ALL my baby stuff at my garage sale this weekend. NO MORE for me.

[Suze]

I'm with you. I thank God every day for Zol*oft.

[Lacy]

I *so* love your blog. I have two little boys under 3 whom I adore and I'm with you on lots of things. Zoloft being one, Xanax being another and lastly - the wonder of the c-section. A c-section is a one way ticket to 5 days in the hospitl. Awesome!! It's just a few days longer before having to face what I call "the apron". The disgusting sack that hangs from the body after giving birth. Lord help me. Once I'm done with this whole procreation thing - I'm *so* having a tummy tuck. Thank you babies.

[Claire]

I want some of that hair.

[April]

Holy shit that's a lot of babies. I mean, FUCK.

I think I'm going to be more of a momtini mom than a robot mom. Just a feeling I have.

[MelissaS]

Oh but see? This is how she's a robot. She's a robot and a momtini mom.

Forget it, let's all hate her. Hate her with your love and envy like me.

[Bente]

Holy crap! Four kids under four. I would not be able to do that.

[Sawa]

Hi,

I really enjoyed your post, you are funny!
I just wanted to say that when I had my first 6 years ago, I was absolutely dead for at least 2 months. I could barely function. It was the hardest thing. I was crying so much that I can't remember much about it.
Fastforward, for about 5 years, and I had my third last October, and it was a breeze. I had her on Saturday after pushing 5 minutes, checked out early from the hospital after 8 hours and I was back to driving the older kids to preschool on Monday.
Now, please don't hate me, but it really does get easier with each baby! I am thinking she may be that way BECAUSE it's her fourth.

[lawbrat]

When I've been pregnant, I'm pregnant ALL OVER. My ass, hips, toes, face, fingers. There is baby everywhere. After my first, before my 6 week check up, my then husband shaved my legs for me. Moving was a chore. No sleep, crying baby 24/7. Then, number two came. 4 years later...because WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT TO THEMSELVES ON PURPOSE, TWICE? Yup, all over pregnant again. I had to buy 'pregnant shoes', because my feet got too big for mine. Who buys maternity shoes? The thin women with the basketball in their tummy...hate em.

[amy]

Leslie you make all the rest of us look BAD.. Time for a momtini...

[julia]

Oh God, I needed to laugh that hard.

[Flippy]

Honestly, I don't have any kids and even your stories about your kids make me want to cry. I'm just so exhausted (carpal tunnel, fibromyalgia, back problems) that even the idea of one child sends me into a panic. And, I love kids. I really do.

I'd rather not eat any hair though. I shall hate and envy Robotic Perfect Leslie and salute her at the same time. In my mind, four kids under four equals insanity.

Two kids...very deserving of a mattress *and* six megapixels. It's all I can do to get up in the morning and take the dogs out, and change the parrots' waters.

[Meghan]

My aunt had five in six years, and still managed to wear a mini-skirt and f*-me boots to the Christmas party last December. We all love to hate her, but not quite as much as we love her. She's too awesome to hold a grudge against. I just hope I'm that fashion forward when my time comes, though I'll likely need two mini-skirts, one for each thigh.

Cheers to all of the Leslies and Peggys of the world!

(FYI: my family's all crazy spread apart age wise, so she's my aunt, married to my mother's youngest brother, but we're closer in age than she is to my mom. The Irish are strange like that.)

[silvermine]

Um. I hate her too.

Two weeks post-partum I only walked down the steps once a day. I had to concentrate really hard when I needed to pee, because my bladder forgot how to. I was scared crapless they would give me another cathdar. I was not walking around looking not pregnant. Or even alive.

I drove for the first time at 7 weeks post partum! And then suffered for a day for my foolishness.

Episiotomies are evil. Of course, it was good a Good Thing, because it got the baby OUT. And that is all I wanted. GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!

At two weeks post partum, I was begging my husband to stay home longer. He ended up staying four weeks, and I was still a basket case when he left. At two weeks, we had not yet discovered the problems with onions, and every time I nursed him I gave him another dose of gut-gnawing gas pains from hell. And I had thrush. And my nipples were bloody stumps. When he cried, I would have run away, except that I was scared of going up and down stairs. Oh, and I had a urinary tract infection. Probably from not peeing.

I was a very not-cute pregnant, too.

God, I'd give my left arm to be pregnant again right now.

[trine]

that is quite amazingly hilarious!
i am afraid I was a Leslie, but only because my daughter was born at 25 weeks and she was a tiny tiny thing due to problems. But I still met people around town after wards who didn't believe me when I said I'd had a baby (she was in Special care of course) and ti was relaly awkward actually....
anwyay, nex time i actually want the baby in my arse. well, maybe not...! ;-)

[Ibsen]

I gotta say: I love you, Melissa! I've been reading your blog for almost half a year now, and yes, I love you. ;-) You go girl!

Have a nice day,
love from the land of the midnight sun, Norway. (NOT to be confused with Sweden, especially since it is exactly 100 years since with broke up with them. Thanx for remembering Norway! Anyway... :)

[JennyWren]

I heart Zoloft.

[Heather]

I have 4 children, the 3 girls (10, 9 and 8) and the baby, the only boy, who is 2. I made it through those tough stair step years, but i'm not sure how. I was always on the go, had to leave hospital from having one to get home to take care of another. I definatly enjoy the baby more now, as he is the only little one and i dont drink as much with him. It probably helps that his sisters help me tremendously!!! Congrats to all the "leslies" for raising future therapists that my children will probably need! Amen to ya sister!

[SueFromOhio]

OK Melissa, I HATE her! My reason? I was pregnant back in 2003 and quietly gave birth to an 8 lb-ish little girl. My third. People STILL come up to me and ask, 'When are you due?'

'Nuff said......

hehe

[lou]

Screw her. Pass me my Lexapro and big
pants please.

[bonzai]

Oh no! I hate when you can't hate the people you want to hate because they're NICE. This makes me what to drink without even having MET the woman. I'm still a size 14 instead of an 8 - three c-sections = my gut will hang to my knees even when I lose the weight so I'll be buying a plastic surgeon a boat some day. Just started reading you per Flea's blog...can't wait to read more!

[diane]

Some women are good at being pregnant --and others are fabulous at telling stories and writing!

[Garnigal]

My parents had some friends who were moving to St. Kitts in the Carribean from Canada with their 4 kids. So we hosted a going away party. Unfortunately, another of the good friends had her fourth (finally a girl!) a day or two before. Her husband picked her and the baby up from the hospital and brought her and the boys directly to our house. She put Ally in a shady spot to sleep and just ... partied. Two days post partum. It was really wrong.

[na'amah]

Isn't it inconsiderate of these nice people to be so likeable? Positively hostile in their inoffensive likeableness. Maybe I would feel better if I could kick the jealousy, but I have not yet discovered the appropriate drugs for that.

I am so glad that you killed that teller. Because after my (fairly) recent baby I couldn't add multiples of ten either. And yes, it totally reduced me to tears, when I realized I had been standing there for ten minutes and I couldn't even figure out that I needed to multiply 10 and 60, let alone what the answer was.

The real reason I resent people like Leslie is that, if she gets up and around 2 days after giving birth, what if someone then expects me to be that competent? They'll be SORELY disappointed, that's what.

[Laura]

The day after having my first (mine are both girls, but I have a Max(ine) and a Madi(son)!), my father who came in from New York said, "Do you have another one in there?" (For that I wanted to write myself out of his will!) It took a good week before I unswelled.

Five years after having my second, I'm still trying to reach that pre-pregnancy weight. Ugh.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

I think the worst part is that she gave birth early. I hate those people.

[WindyLou]

Heh. My sister is the anti-Leslie. You know the type pre baby-Homecoming court, student govt, totally popular, great body, snooty and perfectly made up with nary a hair out of place, ever. She puts on makeup and fixes her hair to go RUNNING in the Memphis heat in the summertime. She wears makeup to the POOL for heaven's sake. I have NEVER seen her with dirty, greasy, hanging in strings hair before she had her baby. Go Neely! Ever since the baby? She's fat and eats like a pig, barely wears makeup and the hair? in a ponytail. I hated her in the hate= envy &jealousy way. Post baby she's finally living in the real world. She even showed up at church and very obviusly hadn't showered or washed her hair. She hasn't mastered leaving the house w/ the baby yet. My mother has to come over every time she wants to go somewhere to help her get ready - and the baby is 3 months old. It amuses me to wonder how old the baby will be before my mom can stop being the nursemaid - 5?9?13?

[WindyLou]

I'm evil. and I spelled obviously wrong. Is there a "retract" button? I'm totally gonna burn for that comment. I don't know where it came from it just bubbled out. damn.

[Torrie]

I'm sticking to my hairy ass theory.

[Nicole]

Oh, Melissa, you and your blog fill me with joy and hope for the future. Or maybe it's the drugs? Whatever, life is bearable these days.

The first six weeks after my second were rocky, but doable. I was sort of waiting for things to get easier after that, and instead they did a swift dive-bomb. I was bewildered. Fast-forward six months: I finally realized that the constant shrieking, crying, and throwing things were not going to abate without a little pharmaceutical help. Now I'm medicated and finally feeling a bit more sane--but I still can't figure out how to be one of THOSE moms. I'm doing great if we're all fed and clothed, and if I get a shower on top of that, life is wonderful.

Immediately postpartum, I looked like I was hiding a family of four in my boobs. That was okay, actually. Except for the constant leaking and plugged ducts, that is.

About her amazing ponytail: in a few months, the pregnancy hormones will slack off and she will lose hair in great fistfuls. Her house will look like a Sasquatch molting zone, and her drains will all clog and runneth over.

[Poppy]

Uh, WindyLou, has it crossed your mind that your sis might be going through a really bad case of post-partum depression? Not to be a downer here or anything, but I know that when I was that ill after my child's birth, having a loved one talk about me like that would have crushed me.

[Erica]

I've been on both sides of the PP thing. With my first baby, I was a wreck after he was born. I looked awful, took weeks to recover...felt miserable.
My second baby was completely different. I gave birth, hopped out of bed, took his picture, and talked my OB into letting me leave later that day. Three weeks later, I was at an employee Christmas party with my awesome breastfeeding boobies and my adorable newborn. LOL
So...what I'm getting at is, Melissa you should totally have another baby ( yeah, regardless of that snip snip thing..) cause it could happen. You could be one of those mamas next time! And then we could hate you for more than just being a super talented writer! :-)

[Not That Leslie]

Hello!
My name is Leslie (no, not that Leslie), and I'm about to give birth any second. And I must add that I have that "All Baby" look (in the baby seeping into my FAT FACE kinda look). Yeah, it's becoming that look.

Anyway, this post was so fricken hilarious.

I think you might have just broken my water. Too much laughter induces labor, right?

[Cindy]

Thanks for the laugh! I am still working on my excess "baby fat" two years later. Today at the gym I went to pick up my 2 year old from the daycare. A man my workout partner knew was standing outside looking in the window and announced the newest arrival to his family, his 7 week old baby. So we went in to admire the baby and when the daycare lady overheard him say she was 7 weeks old she questioned the age policy being 3 months. He then quickly said he made a mistake - she really was three months.
Just then the mother thin, tan and very fit walked in and confirmed that the baby was 3 months old. Scooped the baby up and went out the door. As we followed her out she laughed and said that she was indeed 7 weeks old. So a lying thin, tan fit mother is the very worst!
Can you imagine lying to the gym daycare so you can work out only 7 weeks postpartum? Not me.

[Tammy/averagemom]

Yeah...I think I hate Leslie, too. My best friend came home from the hospital after baby number 2, a mere 48 hours after giving birth, and put away the laundry so her company could sit down. Me? I came home a week after giving birth, and sat in the chair and cried for 3 months. No laundry.

[Recovering Straight Girl]

I had three children in four years and tandem nursed through my pregnancy and for almost a year after.

I don't even remember that entire first year.

I don't think I actually existed; I think I was just one walking, blubbering, hormonal idiot.

[Jennifer]

I was so young and stupid when I had my kids, I was too afraid to be depressed.

I paid for it later.

I'd offer another *heart* to Zoloft, but it's starting to look like a shrine in here.

[Karli]

I'm one of those basketball-belly types when I'm pregnant, which is nice for those few months... But let me tell you, being skinny like that comes with a price. You must sell your breasts to the devil. My boobs have never been larger than my stomach. So what happens when my stomach is flat? That's right, ladies, nothin but nipple. I thought I'd be fine after kids, but it's even worse now. They seem to have created HOLES in my chest over which hangs this disgusting flappy skin that makes me want to barf. If anyone would like to contribute to a boob-job, please contact me.

So don't judge Leslie so harshly, she may be dealing with this terrible affliction as well. She may have been taunted just like me in high school:

"Roses are red, violet's aren't black,
why is your chest as flat as your back?"

Unless she has large perky breasts, then I hate her too.

[MelissaS]

I'm not exactly 'judging' her, it's more that I'm allowing my ugly side to flare out. But acknowledging that makes it better right? RIGHT?

Her breasts are normal sized...as far as I can tell.

[WindyLou]

poppy: I imagine the earlier comment may have sounded insensitive. I definitely fired off a knee-jerk response, however, the facts are that my sister needed a responsibility wake-up call in a major way and having the baby may actually be what she needs to get her head out of her ass and act like a grown up.

If she indeed has PPD it is definitely not affecting her shopping trips, pool dates and an array of social activites each week that having a baby in tow is so difficult to prepare for that my mother is going to her house EVERY SINGLE DAY to get her ready and clean her house. When her husband is home, he does quite a bit to help her as well. Methinks she simply taking advantage, as usual. I am aware that PPD is a real and legitimate disorder, but all women don't suffer from it and some women simply like taking advantage of other people. As ugly as it sounds, my sister has been that type of person most of her life.

Apologies to Melissa for taking up comments w/ this crap. My email is listed if anyone else wants to take exception w/ my comment(s).

[TJ's mommy]

One of my all time favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz (besides all the 80's flicks!) but I used to fantasize about being the Wicked Witch of the West and now my dreams have come true. My neighbors will vouch for that by the yelling and screaming I do when I "thought" the windows were closed! I keep my "box" of wine in the refridgerator to keep me sane and pray every day that I make it to 8:00 p.m. before I pour my first glass! Some nights I fall asleep and wake up the two or three times in the middle of the night to feed the new robot and think, "Wow, I made it without having a drink last night...maybe I don't need to go to AA!" My husband will beg to differ...he wants me to get a hobby and I think, "Can't tasting different wines nightly be my hobby?"
The only thing I want to say is I LOVE that I'm not pregnant anymore after being pg for four years (almost) straight. I look forward to my husbands vasectemy but will use raincoats and pills to reinforce that one little swimmer to stay away. And most of all I LOVE my new friends I've made at my sons preschool. Thanks for hating me! Oh yea, when my hair starts falling out and clogging the drains in the bathtub I'll snake it out and put it in a little baggy for you and Chrissy!

[MelissaS]

sigh....see? See? She's even more perfect because she shares her imperfections. Although I hardly call drinking wine every night an imperfection! Ha!

I think you're great even though I hate you.

(TJ's mommy is Leslie....the object of my envious hair fantasies.)

[Brittany]

Melissa, I enjoy reading your blog you really make me chuckle.. At any rate, I am a Leslie.. I call those kind of moms, marathon moms. I have four children 9, 7, 2, 1.. And I was home early from the hospital and running errands 2 days later. Some of us are marathon moms because we have to be, I have no family help and a husband who travels 3 weeks out of the month for work. We may make it look easy, but it doesnt mean that we dont have those days that we just want to choke our selves.. The next time I run into those snotty preschool moms I will just think about your blog..