My family is insane.

Every family has at least one member no one quite understands. That person who is a little off, maybe even crazy. That person who you hope doesn't get famous because you'd have to claim that person as one of you. Family events sometimes center around discussing how crazy this odd ball of the family is.

In my family we mainly sit around at Thanksgiving dinner and discuss the normal people, because the majority of people in our family are, to put it mildly, completely insane!

Instead of sitting around and wondering how that one person turned out so odd, we sit around and debate how that one person turned out so normal all things considered.

One of my cousins is seriously bizarre. At this point nothing this cousin does shocks me. Burning down a garage? Doesn't shock me. Smearing a stolen lipstick all over the women's bathroom during a posh country club family wedding. Not surprising. Juvenile hall stay? I wasn't shocked but did feel somewhat safer.

My cousin was a troubled child obviously. He's grown into a troubled and sociopathic adult.

One day not too long ago, he began calling my house. Frantically. Over a period of 3 days he called me literally 35 times. I counted them on the caller id because I refused to pick up until I had some idea what he wanted. I called my mother and he had talked to her.

Nothing my cousin does shocks me anymore, but his choice of careers shocked the living hell out of me. My sociopathic cousin is a knife vendor. Not just any knives, really sharp knives.

He was calling to see if I, and dozens of my friends would like to buy knives in my home from a sociopath.

Gee, sign me up!

"Oh hey Jennifer, Chrissy, Andrea.....do you guys want to come to my house to look at extremely sharp knives with my sociopathic cousin? Just be prepared to buy because I'm afraid of him really."

I didn't return his call.

Comments

[Lil' Sis]

I like how this is categorized in "Things to love about my family." Is it really?
Ah screw it. Truth be told, I love telling people about all the bizarre people in our family. Sometimes it scares them. That's the best.
(wow, is it any wonder I only have a not-boyfriend who isn't treating me that well lately?!)

miao.

[southernfriedgirl]

I have a brother and none of us know where the fuck he came from. My other two brothers and I look like our dad, work hard, and are relatively normal. Not Mike. Let me just sum it up in this way - lack of oral hygiene. Um, yeah.

[jilbur]

Look on the bright side. You will never need to learn to write fiction. As a writer, you can live off the fat of the land infuckindefinitely™.

(contact me about user licensing fees for 'infuckindefinitely™')

[styro]

Silly P's Hardwood Floors IN EFFECT, YO.

I hope he doesn't call his new business venture "Cutty McCutterson's SHARP SHARP OUCH Knives."

[Annie]

Cutco knives are SERIOUSLY sharp knives. Beware! My whole family owns them thanks to a nephew.

[Phil]

Like Annie says, Cutco knives ARE seriously sharp. Good quality stuff. Well worth having if you can afford them. (I got mine secondhand -- lucky me.)

p.s. I call dibs on "infuckingdefinitely" (Note addition of the "g") :-)

[Lori]

OMG , yes yes yes ..... I know of this first hand .
Rock on fucked up familys , LOL :)

P.S - Love your blog !!

[Kat/Maternity Genes]

I have one of those. She's also known as my mother in law. Her potential weapon of choice is a small handgun that she keeps in her bedroom and she actually applied for a concealed weapon permit but was denied. Ugh, family can be downright scary.

[Newbie Blogger]

I actually have a Cutco scar - self induced accident while cutting a bagel. It was about 10 years ago after my parents were "coerced" into buying a couple. Does any one ever want to buy "direct sale" products? Why is it that they can't just sell them at Sears and make money that way? Instead they have to bug you into buying them.

[Bonnie]

I think I'm in danger of becoming a knife junkie. We're leaving Germany this summer, and I knew that one thing I wanted to do while we were here was replace my knives. So a few months ago, I bought 8 Wuesthof steak knives. Oh, my god! They are awesome. It's like I used to carve meat with a banana or something equally useless.

About a month later, I went out and bought a block with a set of something like 8 different Wuesthof knives, and I am in love! Now I'm jonesing for more knives just because they are just so incredible. But no, I'd rather not buy from your cousin.

[emily]

LOL as usual. My parents were coerced into purchasing a Cutco set circa 1978 from my dad's brother, the prodigal (though not sociopathic) uncle, and we grew up not allowed to use them 'cause they sliced right through the linoleum countertops. A few years ago a friend of my sister's asked to "practice" her Cutco sales pitch on my parents, and lo & behold they bought several starter sets, one of which wound up with me, yay! Perhaps Melissa you can get some less wary family member to place an order for you? There's no finer way to slice a tomato. OK, now I sound like I'm in the Cutco sales cult... ;)

[Hanna]

It must be something about Cutco knives. We have two of them, purchased by my husband during his single days. He was coerced into buying them by a sociopathic former roommate, whose sales method (perhaps encouraged by the company?) included handing you the knife (handle first) saying, "Shake hands with your new Cutco!" Eek. At least it wasn't blade first.

[Lil' Sis]

Dude, I'm so not buying your knives from him for you. Remember, I'M the one who once got suckered into babysitting for a weekend and he started a fire AND choked the shite out of his brother. I've put in my time. Make Scott do it.

miao.

[Phil]

Hanna's post reminds me of various superstitions around giving/handing knives. In Indonesia, you would never give a knife as a gift, because it's a symbol of "cutting" (as in "cutting your friendship"). In England (I'm told), it's OK as long as you also include a penny (or similar coin) to symbolize the protection against cutting of friendship. In Turkey, you don't even *hand* someone else a knife -- for the same superstition. In the boy scouts, for safety, you can hand off knives and other cutting objects as much as you want, but you never let go until the recipient says "thank you" as an acknowledgement (safety, not appreciation) that they've got it securely in hand.

[Heatheranne]

Melissa - We should swap family stories sometime. My family is like yours, we talk about the "normal" ones. Let's see, my mom is an alcoholic who sleeps with anything that moves, my aunt is the same way but she believes she's better than all of us and will let us know every chance she gets, my sister has spent most of her adult life in prison or high on meth and when you put the three of them in the same room...I'll just say Jerry Springer would run screaming. I'm the "normal" one who has to clean up all the messes. I could tell you some stories!

[notdonnareed]

My family is weird in the get-knocked-up-and-drop-out-of-high-school kind of way. If we had family reunions (or weddings), they'd be by the BBQ pit at the trailer park. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[Beerzie]

I dunno. I loves me Cutco knives. And they can remove a large appendege in minutes!

[Paul]

Have you thought of sending him over to your in-laws house?

[kenya]

okay, this is sort of tragic and not so much funny as it is frightening, but i have a cousin who, in lieu of a knife, stabbed someone several times with a paintbrush. so hey, when some people want to go crazy, they do it with whatever is available. (i still chuckle at that, am i wrong for finding incredulous amusement? i acknowledge the tragedy, but OMG, some of my family is psycho. this same cousin blew up the side of his house with a homemade bomb he was MAKING AT THE TIME!!) woah.

[Tammy/averagemom]

I suspect that I am the "weird" family member that everyone else talks about. And I'm okay with that.

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

Please tell me you've lied to him about where you live :)

[mrs. holmes]

weird, my brother used to sell cutco knives and my husband and i watched a little special on the company not too long ago. he quit when he was at someone's house trying to sell the knives and CUT HIMSELF. yeah, he's real smooth.

[Lassa]

Ha! That's funny... I have a weird cousin like that too!

[clickmom]

Gotta admit it, I love the cutco knives, although they can break if someone would do something foolish like, say perhaps, try to break apart frozen meat. But otherwise they rock.

My family is odd in a much more subtle fashion we could surely win awards for dysfunction. They would never admit though.

[clickmom]

Gotta admit it, I love the cutco knives, although they can break if someone would do something foolish like, say perhaps, try to break apart frozen meat. But otherwise they rock.

My family is odd in a much more subtle fashion we could surely win awards for dysfunction. They would never admit though.

[Torrie]

He called you 35 times in three days because he wanted to sell you knives?
Not at all creepy.

[Torrie]

He called you 35 times in three days because he wanted to sell you knives?
Not at all creepy.

[amy]

Up here in Canada Eh' we have never heard of those knives. But please, as awesome a business opportunity it would be for him, DO NOT SEND HIM HERE!

The only person I may have called that many times was a stupid teenage 'love'. Thank gawd that was before the days of answering machines and call display.

[leslie P.]

Hey, did I tell you that I was unfit for human consumption right now...I don't like my husband AT ALL right now and I think a visit from your cousin would be totally appropriate. I'd rather spend money on knives right now rather than commercial magazines to send some poor sap to college! And by the way...Andrea and I totally would host a party as long as Caelan and Cloe' were in Egypt at the time!!

[DM]

35 times in 3 days. To sell you knifes. That's just creepy.

I got some cool knifes when I bought the Ultimate Chopper off of an infomercial. I'm not supposed to watch them but sometimes I sneak past the Practical roommate and get to go a bit insane.

Although I do think wanting to buy drill bits for a drill I don't own might have been a little weird.