I Demand A Constitutional Amendment Banning Summer Vacation.

Tonight someone I know from Madison's school emailed and gave me a little update on her life. They're heading up north to their cottage for two weeks and in the second week her two girls will be going to camp from 9 until 5. When I read that I began crying because I actually think that might be the only way to save my children from me and me from my children.

I always hope when I write something about a situation I'm facing, like the never ending summer, that things will look different in the morning. Sometimes writing about things does help me to face them with a different attitude after I get it all out.

Unfortunately, this is not one of those times.

Tuesday we did attend Park Pals, and Max had a horrible meltdown so we had to leave after about 45 minutes. This was THE event of our week and he, not to blame him since he's just four and learning to control himself, but he ruined the entire God damned day.

I don't drive around muttering about things very much anymore, but I muttered the entire drive home that day. "All day you ask, 'what are we doing!?!?!' and when I take you to do something this is how you behave."

I think I still felt a little sore about how Tuesday's park date turned out and so today I decided to try out some of the recommendations left here earlier in the week. I'm not going to bore you with the details of what we did but I will say that I lugged the air pump and extension cord up from the basement. I lugged the giant pool out of the shed and opened it....finding a small colony of ear wigs. I squealed and sprayed and stomped and got them out. I filled the pool with air. Washed everything with bleach. Sweat my fucking ass off in this rancid humidity. Rinsed the pool several times. Noticed the air wasn't staying in the pool. Spent 20 or so minutes trying to locate the leak. No luck. Filled the pool with air. Moved the pool. Filled it with water. Filled the pool with more air. Got the kids ready for big fun for the fucking kids!

I have no other way to say this.

My kids, are incredibly annoying. When I think about the 20 minutes they spent in the pool today, not swimming, but rather standing in it. When Madison actually slipped and got wet....pool time was over just 20 minutes after it started. When I think about those 20 minutes they spent in the pool and the hours and hours they did staring at me all afternoon, wondering what they could do, I wince to admit this, but I hated them. For those hours this afternoon, I tried really hard to just accept that my kids don't know how to do summer. I tried to love them anyway.

But I fucking hate summer and I am trying really hard to remember what it is I loved about them. What did I love about them? Because I do remember loving them. I really do. I remember not wanting to hold them down in the wading pool screaming at them to have some God Damn Fun until they started to gleefully splash around.

I just hope I start to love them again. I know I will.

Madison's class assignment for next year arrived today. I am guessing that right around August 29th I'll feel madly and passionately in love with my children again.

I know it sounds just awful, and it is. It really is. It's not helping that Logan is gone from 6am until midnight each night. He does come home most of the time to eat dinner with the kids and for that I am eternally grateful.

He is physically exhausted and I worry about him. Not only that, he's so exhausted there is no room for anything else. I can't lean on him because he can't take one more commitment. When I explain to him how I hated them today. How I filled the pool and cleaned it and they spent 20 minutes standing in it and I just can't do this anymore. I can't face one more day doing this.

He says, "Yes you can."

Or I'll say, "Here's what happened I can't believe this! Who are these people we're raising?" and he'll say, "Well did you try a? Or b? What about c? You should just do c."

Which appears to be helpful except that a, b and c are always things I ALREADY DO and they are not working and the fact that he says that is so dismissive of the hard time I am having being responsible for these kids all the time. I crumble under the weight of that responsibility.

I tried tonight, before he left for work again, to explain it this way. "When you complain about a client, how helpful would it be for me to say, 'Well, did you tell him it just can't be done that way?' or did you try explaining to him it doesn't work that way? What about explaining your budget doesn't allow that? You should just tell him that." Because those are all things that really should work right? Those are the things which would diminish a lot of his headaches right now. But it's not how it actually works and for me to suggest these things would be a lot like saying "This is easy, figure it out. Here's how, why didn't you think of it!?"

But that is all he is able to give me right now because he's being pulled in 400 different directions. The effect is that I'm worried about him, I'm worried about me, I'm worried that I really am going to hate my children for the rest of forever and I feel emotionally abandoned.

I'm also worried this isn't PMS but is actual reality.

Comments

[Angela]

OK well sinse you literally have 100 comments I am sure you won't get to this but I feel obligated to write it anyway. I know exactly what you are going through, but differently. I am completely and utterly frustrated with my life and my boyfriend, and I feel emotionally empty and fried. The funny thing is that I do what Logan does to you. The boyfriend can't find a job and I always point out the obvious and dismiss whatever it was that he did that day. It is not fair, but I am at my witt's end. I am scared this constant feeling of frustration will never end I will be bitter and angry and no fun the rest of my life. Shit-we need a few drinks! Good luck on feeling better. Life sucks balls.

[Flippy]

BlogHer is mandatory for Melissa. It's great for networking (meaning future ca$h), great for sanity (no kids!), great for those of us who can't go (BlogHer posts & pictures), and as far as conferences go, it's really cheap...and a business write-off.

Wow, I sound so bossy.

[Lisa]

I guess I didn't really mean to "teach" them to play, but rather to require them to entertain themselves rather than acting as if you are a television they can switch on to entertain them. My friend's three daughters are excellent at this . . . I have no idea how she made it happen. Again, I offer this thought with the biggest grain of salt ever, as I only have two dogs. So feel free to tell me to F--- off as I have no idea what I'm talking about.

[melissaS]

Anna, it's a fair question I suppose. I'm getting into the conference ($100) for free because I am live blogging a session or two. I am using frequent flier miles for the flight. I am sharing a hotel room for the two nights I will be there and I am only staying long enough to attend the event. I will arrive Friday afternoon and fly out mid day Sunday.

So it's actually a very cost effective waste of money.

[RockStar Mommy]

When I have to entertain my 2 stepdaughters and my 2 year old, I SCREAM at my husband for not making enough money for us to hire a nanny. Life is just not fair unless you can have a nanny on hand at any time of the day.

[Megan]

Oh darlin' I can so relate (and I only have one kid!). All I can say is just make sure that you have some time to yourself during the day. If you have to plop them in front of the TV for an hour to save your sanity, then do it.

Also, I really don't feel it's our job as parents to constantly entertain the kids. My son learned long ago to entertain himself. Tell them to go look into the mountain of toys I'm sure they have and find something to do. And there are always books. And, when you're in the right mood, offer to play a board game with them.

It's all about finding some sort of balance. I know it's rough when hubby's away (I have that too) and you're at the end of your rope. Just make a knot, take a deep breath and pour a big glass of vodka.

If you need to vent, e-mail me!

[Tara]

i resent my kids at times. why do i have to be the one to make them who they are? too much pressure man.

mine are 9,7,5,2-and when any of them say they are bored, i make them clean. if they dont got nuttin to do, they can clean!

"mom, what should i do?"
go clean your room.

"mom, im bored."
go clean my room.

but i actually make them DO it.

[marla]

I need to lose weight, too. But the thing is this: it's the only thing that gives me comfort right now. I fall into bed, pooped, and comfort myself with ice cream. And I know it's bad when I am very aware of other ways to give to myself but require too much damn work ad doesn't have that instant gratification I need right now.

[Karla]

Holy shit, you're scaring me. Is it too late to give my 4-month old back?

[carmie]

i made the mistake of starting foster care the week school let out AND agreeing to take my mother-in-law's foster kids for a week of respite. i went from being a barista 30 hours a week to having EIGHT kids from ages 5 to 14 in the space of 24 hours. i really have no idea how i made it, or even managed to "foster a therapeutic mileu." a friend of ours gave us the key to her apartment pool, and those kids swam every day for 6 hours whether they wanted to or not.

at least you loved your kids at some point. i remembered sitting in the bathroom crying, thinking, "i don't even like most of these kids." but you know what? when the group that i had the longest finally left, i cried. and i still miss them.

[Ahgasi]

What a huge comment list! I've no time to read it so I've no idea what the others suggested. As soon as the kids are old enough you've got to try and get them hooked on books and/or making art. I guarantee it will keep them quiet for hours.