If he wasn't in Chicago I wouldn't post this.

I've been pretty angry with Logan for the last two weeks. It's not the kind of anger that makes me rail against him and his stupidity. I've hardly yelled and have mainly told him in quiet, calm tones; "I'm really pissed."

It's been the kind of anger that simmers in the back of my mind.

That's the kind of anger that's dangerous for a marriage, don't you think? The anger that silently simmers is the kind of anger which silently kills relationships.

I remember "a couple" Logan and I used to hang out with a lot before we were married told me that they had never had an argument. I remember thinking that was the saddest thing I'd ever heard. I also remember thinking she was a fucking liar. But let's just say that they never had an argument. Did they share a brain? Because I argue with myself on a regular basis, how do you never argue with someone who is not you, who you have to live with day in and day out?

Especially if that person, had an affair. The boy part of this couple we used to hang out with had a long term affair with an ex in the early parts of their relationship. But they "Never" had an argument?

I prefer arguing really. But then to each their own because I believe everyone has a few somebodies that fit their imperfections perfectly since there are no perfect people. Well except Logan.......and he's not perfect either is he?

I've been stewing in this not overwhelming but still irritating anger for almost two weeks.

And now Logan's gone and I miss him....and not just because I could use a little back up for the Minutia Twins.

"Mom? Look Mom! I can do this!" [jumps over a matchbox car]

"So what you're saying is, this works like this [where a=anything b=anything and c=anything] a, b and then c. Or it could work like c - b= a. But what if it's raining....then how does it work? AB times C?" [Continue until you jump from a rooftop.]

They never stop.

I've missed him the last 4 days because I love sitting next to him while I type on my computer and I miss watching netflix movies with him and making fun of his choices. I miss sitting on the porch and feeling a storm roll in and the temperature drop 20 degrees in 15 minutes and that tension of watching the sky together wondering if the tornado sirens are going to start up. His calm attitude entwined so closely with my "Oh my God! We're all going to die," attitude.

I miss the way he sits with one foot on the coffee table and one on the floor. I miss the way he checks the locks on our doors before he goes to sleep. I miss how he remembers to turn off the lights and check on the kids before he goes to sleep. I miss the way we say the most ridiculous things in bed before we go to sleep that make us laugh until we hurt from all the laughing.

I miss the way he says, "I'm mixing one more cocktail and that's it." [but really, it's not....because we're like that...please judge us.]

I even miss how he touches me with his feet while we're in bed. His feet with the really bizarre hammer toes [remember that woman who declared my feet unfit for public viewing? If she saw Logan's hammer toes she'd be licking my feet].

When I wrote this, he called me to say, "No father should ever let his children down. Not such a deep and binding way. It's not fair what happened to you."

I've been angry for a while now and I think I had a right to be really mad. But, on the other hand, a healthy marriage isn't built by silently seething.

Who knows what the future holds, but I know that I love Logan now even with his stupid robotic imperfections. I also know he loves me when I act imperfectly.

Relationships are hard to navigate. Especially when you feel compelled to write about them on the internet.

Comments

[buffi]

Boy-oh-boy, you must be reading my mind. Not so much about the seething anger part, mine has just been more annoyed, PMS stuff. But hubby & I have been apart for nearly a month now & I am really remembering all of the little things that I love so much about him. Even the sort-of annoying things! I will join him on Sunday, yippee!! Hope you get to see your honey soon as well.

[amy]

That's the kind of anger that's dangerous for a marriage, don't you think? The anger that silently simmers is the kind of anger which silently kills relationships.

I HATE it when I feel that way. It is the worst kind of pain (well, childbirth was pretty fricking wicked, but you know what I mean.)

Hope things sort out for you two, soon.

[Diseuse]

Relationships are hard to navigate, but thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Being apart is so difficult. I used to work at a daycare near an Air Force base. Sometimes dads would be gone for up to two years at a time before they saw their wives or kids again--TWO YEARS--and for some reason it would make me really angry. I marvel at parents who can spend that much time away from their families without ever really understanding the pain they go through.

It seems like you found the person you can enjoy the simple moments with, and you recognize that you are still angry but you don't want to be. Far more healthy than most.

[patti]

First of all, when you said "And now Logan's gone and I miss him....and not just because I could use a little back up for the Minutia Twins", I thought you were referring to your hands when you said "Minutia Twins". No really, I did. All that previous talk about wood and really missing Logan and wood and REALLY missing Logan... it's all your fault I'm so dirty.

Anyway, must I say this? Must I say that I so completely understand every single word you wrote? You know I musn't. Only, it's great because you still miss him. That's the good part. The anger, however seething and silent and gnawing at the back of your brain, still hasn't cancelled out the missing. And that's so very good.

Oh and Amy? I think that anger that Melissa described is worse than childbirth. And I did it without drugs. lol.

[Sarcomical]

complex and difficult, that's what relationships can mostly be. but complex isn't always a bad thing. i think it's sweet that you miss him. ;) just watch, as soon as he comes home he'll so something annoying to completely piss you off and then you can not feel so bad about being mad at him before.

and that non-fighting couple? that scares me. i know a couple like that from college, and i would always wonder how exciting and deep their relationship could possibly be if they claimed to have no real conflict. EVER. that is just strange.

[Cori]

There was three weeks two months ago that were like that between my dh and I. It's the first time we've done that in seven years and it SCARED me. I had an apathy towards him with a simmer of deep-down anger that I don't remember ever feeling for him before. We finally really "had it out" and cleared the air. I took some responsibility, he took some, and we agreed to avoid certain topics unless absolutely necessary. We're back to our usual footing and all is well. Hugs and hopes that you will find your way to that happy couple place again soon.

[kerewin]

The Hub was out of town last week and there wasn't anyone to remember to go turn the deadbolt on the backdoor. It made me so sad. And also unsafe! Whohoo!

Here's to "just one more cocktail, and that's it."

He'll be home soon, and in the meantime, go bolt your door.

[debi]

Good grief, you’ve succeeded in getting me to miss him!

Haven’t been reading your blog for long – but Logan sounds wonderful, and it’s obvious you’re in love with him. You’ll sort it, and I’ll look forward to reading about it :o)

[clickmom]

Advice from once who knows the simmer all too well:

1. Deal with the simmer- simmer is bad. Must clear the air completely to avoid permanent simmer.

2. Missing is good.

[clickmom]

Advice from once who knows the simmer all too well:

1. Deal with the simmer- simmer is bad. Must clear the air completely to avoid permanent simmer.

2. Missing is good.

[JT]

Wow, that was really touching. Sorry about the seething -- that does, indeed, suck eggs. And you're right -- I think it's far more damaging than just getting it out and fighting. DH and I have about two ugly fights a year (the real yelling kind, not the basic talking-to-you-like-a-moron-while-I-overreact kind that just seem to crop up here and there). They are awful indeed, but afterwards we tend to laugh that at least we got that out for about six more months....

It's a good sign that, even if you're seething, you remember and miss good things about Logan. That's the love peeking through.

Gag -- I just made myself nauseous. Sorry.

[Becky]

The seething eventually kills everything. I'm relieved to hear that you miss him.

The day that I realized that I no longer even missed having another set of ears for the Constant Talkers? That was a sad, sad day.

[halloweenlover]

I thought the minutia twins were your boobs!! HA HA! Can you tell my husband is away too? I can't stop thinking dirty thoughts!

You put into such lovely words how much I miss my hubs too. It is the silliness I miss the most, and the companionship. That kind of companionship where you can sit side by side without talking and feel so close.

[Ginny]

BTDT, used the stupid acronym. Seething is the worst. If you and Logan are skilled fighters, then have at it. It will clear the air and get the stuff out in the open instead of circling around and around in your head. I tend to seethe because my husband is so lousy at fighting. He refuses to fight. His standard comeback is "You're right and I'm sorry." If I try to continue, he says "I said I'm sorry and that's the end of it." Then I get so angry I could gnaw plaster off the wall - not very effective for either one of us. Couples who say they never fight have probably fought before, found out they suck at it and try to avoid conflict.

[Mir]

It can't possibly be insurmountable if you're missing his hammertoes. ;)

[Karli]

Loved this book:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0609805797/qid=1118761394/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/104-2725374-1961566?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

Someday I'll learn how to do hyperlinks, too.

[southernfriedgirl]

I remember all the dumb stuff my husband does all the time but that is so cool that you miss him. How cute.

[Mr. Lee]

Incidentally, I'm a fellow member of the "got called to the cabin" club. Not sure if you'd remember me, and I like my anonymity, but ask yr sister who Mr. Lee is and she'll know. I'm sure she'll be happy she sold me on yr blog. I think you're a very, very good writer.

Now to the point. I was moved to comment because I was once in one of those "we NEVER fight" relationships. Actually, it was the longest and healthiest relationship I've had. Which sounds nice, but isn't really saying much. It took three years to stop going nowhere... and the sex definitely suffered as a result of the lack of conflict, but it was comfortable for the majority of that time. But comfortable is not good. Love is not comfortable. Passion is not comfortable. Not much worth doing is comfortable, with the possible exceptions of cuddling and sleep.

The danger in seething is that if you don't get it out, you eventually start dismissing. Once you start dismissing someone you love, you're lost.

Sorry, I think I'm a bit long-winded just now. But I'm glad I stopped by. You've got a good thing here.

[Torrie]

That was uncharacteristically sweet.

The late night laughing in bed is the best.

[meganann]

It is important to note that the feelings you are having are valid--no matter how out of proportion or in proportion to the incident (or pattern of incidents) that occured, the feelings that you have do exist. Since they exist, they need to be dealt with in the context of your marriage.

My husband and I went through a bad phase, and remembering that the feelings matter simply because they are there helped us get through it to a much better place.

I wish you both the time, love, energy, and money to get through it. Just keep talking to each other. Like Mr. Lee said, it is way better to talk then to end up minimizing your feelings, the situation, or your partner.

[Bettsi]

That was a beautiful entry, Melissa. Don't laugh, but I really was teary eyed by the end of it. I'll bet he's missing you too. Take the kids to Grandma and go to Chicago.

[SueFromOhio]

I have deep seeded anger towards my 'other half'. He managed to take away really excellent job opportunities from me because he had bigger and better ones that, amazingly, never panned out. I blame a lot of my anger I feel towards my husband on that and the fact that he took me from a town I hated, but I had friends in...I have no one here.

My Man Sucks! and I'm not afraid to admit it!

[S.]

I'm happy to hear that you miss him.

I don't miss mine, really, and it makes me feel a little sick inside.

[mrs. holmes]

i needed you to say that part about how couples who don't fight are either cheating or lying (i know i'm unfairly paraphrasing here). my husband and i were hanging out the other night with one of our "perfect" couple friends and she was asking questions about how we act together. she ended with, "relationships are supposed to be easy." they are??? fuck! no... fuck that.

[Jerri Ann]

My husband and I never argued and it was easy until we had children, bought a house, and cars and endured to high-risk pregnancies, a hysterctomy, and a back surgery. Since then, we've argued. Formerly we discussed and made decisions, now we fucking ARGUE from time to time. It is not pretty but I guess it wasn't suppose to be pretty or easy.

[Phil]

Oh man, S. just broke my heart with that. For a moment, anyway -- until I realized it's OK to not miss your loved ones from time to time. I think.

On other topics: Hugh Prather wrote something like, "Gayle and I used to suffer from arguments that were too short. Now we argue long enough to find out what we're arguing about." As for me, I have no one (but myself) to argue with and no one (but myself) to complain about. I'm not sure it's better.

Peace to you, Melissa. And you, too, S.

[Flippy]

"Because I argue with myself on a regular basis, how do you never argue with someone who is not you, who you have to live with day in and day out?"

I timidly raise my hand. My gf and I don't argue. We spend 24/7 together. Perhaps we share a brain. We've thought the same thoughts since before we even met in person (we met online). We're both just easygoing, have a sense of humor and the same feelings about what's right/wrong with the world. We also make stupid jokes in bed, make our pets say rude things (except the parrots, because we don't really want them saying those things), enjoy mostly the same tv shows. Our hobbies vary slightly - when she's planting flowers, I'm likely to be online. We've been through some hard times (she was uninsured and we had to come up with cash for a hysterectomy within a week), we've had three pet surgeries in the past 18 months. Two pets have died.

On the other hand, we have close friends who bicker constantly. They're clearly happy and love each other, but that just seems to be their way of communicating. My family and my gf's family are just really laid back. My parents have been married for 53 years and I've never witnessed a big argument. They occasionally bicker about stupid stuff, like my dad having sawdust on his pants and going out like that or my mom wanting the house clean for visitors.

That said, from how both you and Mr. Roboto write, it's clear that you love each other and love your kids. Seething is bad - find a compromise (a mattress, a pricey camera, whathaveyou) and kiss and make up. We, the people of the internet demand as much happiness as possible from you two.

[shannonk]

Great post. Great Blog.

My parents have been married over 40 years. Their relationship is still surprisingly passionate and intense. This said, I am constantly amazed that they still have very heated arguments - about the same things over and over and over. Sometimes they go days without talking to each other. This used to bewilder and amaze me - will they never learn? Now I am thinking that it is all part of maintaining passion. Perhaps in order to have passion, you have to continue experiencing the whole range of extreme emotions. Just my theory. It gives me hope.

[Lil' Sis]

Mr. Lee- please refrain from making fun of me. In advance, Lis, please do the same. I'm a goddamn city girl. I had a larger-than-usual brainfart and thought I could handle the cottage. I managed to royally piss off my niece & nephew, but Mr. Lee can't possibly say he didn't have fun.

Also,
You know what else is silent but deadly?

the scorpion.

-miao.

[Tammy/averagemom]

I know I'm totally missing the point here, but...some lady said you're toes shouldn't be seen?! Really?! And I suppose she thinks she has the cutest toes ever. Humph. It's your site, if you want to post a picture of your butt crack, your toes, your dandruff, you can!

[Betsy Markum]

I can't believe it, my co-worker just bought a car for $60461. Isn't that crazy!