I wish vacation bible school was all summer.

I have the best life ever. I know I don't always talk like that but my Holy God In Heaven this Vacation Bible School fucking RULES! (I'll be sure to say that to the pastor at the church, just so he knows how much I appreciate it.) My friend Chrissy wasn't going to send her kids to Vacation Bible School. She said, "Oh no, we aren't going...we're heathens."

My eyes widened and I said, "Do you read my fucking website? I'm a heathen. They could inoculate my children with the actual soul of the devil and I'd be okay with it if I got 3 hours alone."

Even heathens need a few days off and their children need to learn about how great God is! So she decided to send them and every morning at drop off we high five as we run from the building. Freedom is divine. God is good every fucking day! But since I already wrote about the mysterious and wonderful ways God loves me today at BloggingBaby, I'm going to talk about something else.

What I really wanted to talk about was the fact that parenting Madison is sometimes very difficult and sometimes I think I've totally screwed her up. She's always struggled with new situations, even as a baby. She hated being passed around from person to person, she didn't like loud family dinners and took her time warming up to people she didn't see all the time. Remember the first day of school last year? If you'd told me back then that this year I'd take her to activities which did not involve me and she would kiss me goodbye and march right in, I would have punched you in the face. But my daughter grows and changes and watching her blossom and gain confidence in this world is the most rewarding feeling.

Yesterday I dropped her off at vacation bible school and she kissed me good bye and off she went. No tears or clinging to my leg or begging me to take her home with me. She said on the way there, "Do you ever feel like your heart is half excited and half scared? That's how I feel now."

It seems like she's learning she doesn't have to let herself get overwhelmed with the nervousness. She can feel nervous or scared and do it anyway. She's always been the kind of kid who is intuitive and smart and maybe even smarter than serves a child very well because everything is new and therefore a little scary. For the last six years I've been hoping she'd outgrow it or that it was a phase but I also started to worry that I'd have to leave her at college sobbing while she chased my car down the road.

I know I have enough evidence of the things I'm doing wrong, sometimes it's nice to see maybe I'm doing some of the important things right.

Comments

[elisabeth]

omg, I am SO emailing the "god is good, all the fucking time" line to my pastor....I can't wait til we do that response in church, I'll sit in front and see if I can make eye contact with him when I say it...He claims I am a breath of fresh air. I think that means that I am a pain in the ass.

Anyway, you ARE doing everything right! Haven't we been saying that? It is a fucking hard job, and it takes ages to see the rewards, but they do come. Assuming you haven't kill them before it happens.

[maia]

It's NOT you. I have identical twin girls and one is Madison-like (shy, slow to warm to situations/people/school/life) while the other has always been a "FearFactor" child, thriving on adventure, independance. Go figure.

[mamaloo]

that's a good feeling, isn't it? I sorta know what you mean. in my child's one year of life, I have fucked up so much more than I ever planned to. yet, my kid absolutely loves books, loves to have me read him books. so *something* must be going right. sometimes I hang on to that fact when I'm doubting myself as a mother.

[Phil]

What a brilliant child!

I read somewhere that the only difference between anxiety and excitement is whether you expect success. Madison understands that both can happen at the same time. Brilliant, brilliant.

[Y]

Man, I just hope that your kids don't turn this against you and start telling you that "You really need to start going to church" because if you don't, "you'll go to hell" and you won't "be able to see them for all of eternity" and start bugging you every.fucking.sunday.

Because that? S-u-c-k-s.

[nicole]

my goddaugther just started therapy, or, as i like to say: an hour of babysitting for a $5 co-payment.

[Andrea]

My daughter started day care at 3 months. I was freaking out that I was destroying out mother daughter relationship by returning to work, that she was going to miss out on so much becasue she wasnt playing with me- all the terrible mom things I could think of went through my mind. Instead I have ended up with a six month old that is more socially developed then most year old kids I meet, crawled before most learn to turn over and jumps into my arms when I see her.
What we think is bad may actually be good. Odd how it turns out that way.

[jenB]

Madison just made me cry. hug her for me please.

[Heather]

You made me feel so good today. My son, is so shy and bashful and gives these heart wrenching sad looks when he is uncomfortable and for the life of us, we have no fucking clue where he got it from. My hubby and I are fun and free and blunt and loud and proud and social. But our little boy, bless his soul, is bashful of his own shadow. I'm hoping that maybe he will grow out of it or maybe that i am doing SOMETHING right and it will pay off in a year or two. Where in the hell did he get it from??? (Although he is the most precious thing on earth so that kinda makes up for it)

"Heres to hopes my son will make it through this life without crawling under the bed every time someone new enters the room....... "

[Crazy MomCat]

Oh, HOW do I relate to you about the VBS thing! I enrolled my son in TWO programs, both were under $15 AND I put him in a one week, half-day camp. The summer has flown by and has been actually tolerable. Unfortunately, my daughter is only 15 months so she couldn't join him, so I didn't get a real "me" break, but sigh...maybe next year.

I promise, I love my kids, but this Crazy MomCat has to get a summer sanity break now and then or I really WILL go nuts!

[Karen]

Kids really do get that half-half feeling. My kids' kindergarten teacher called it a "double dip," so that's what we call it now. Like when they're both happy and sad on the last day of school.

[Em]

Aw, my heart is half excited and half scared a lot of the time. Viva, Madison!

[bethany]

Hey-- my son is the same way! or was--until he is in daycare now (cause I went back to work). Isn't it nice you don't get judged by family members that he/she is a mamma's buy/girl anymore? Let me tell you, I am like THANK GOD! :-)

[Nancy France]

Life gets even better. Someday, all of them will be in school.

[Nancy France]

Life gets even better. Someday, all of them will be in school.

Then, God will be really good to you.

[BabelBabe]

[Howling laughter on my end]
Ohmigod - light bulb comes on. NOW I understand why my mother schlepped us off to VBS for two weeks every summer. I may go join a church TODAY. So what if my husband is an atheist.

And my older son sounds like Madison, and I too have felt that "smarter than can be good for him" thing. but what do you do? You hope for smart kids and it comes back and bites you in the ass. I just try to help him cope as best as I can, reassuring him that things sometimes get easier as you "practice".

[jess]

I have always wondered what I have done wrong when I watch other peoples kids (OPK) run into preschool/ any activity without clutching onto their mothers leg for dear life. I still don't get it? How does one person end up with these insecure little beings and another has these confident independant ones? I do know that my 6 and 8 year olds have both matured out of it for the most part and also understand the no pain no gain when it comes to dealing with their anxiety about new situations. I want my other two to go to preschool like OPK, but I know they won't. But, I hope they turn out just like my older ones and, it sounds, like Madison too.

Thanks for the post.

[Ninotchka]

I SO know what you're talking about. Natalie (now 9) cried every. single. day. I dropped her off at daycare. It was horrid and I often called my husband saying: THAT'S IT, I'M NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE. It was heart wrenching. So much so, that I did end up refusing to take her and he took over. It was that bad. Then the first day of Kindergarten she was SOOO excited and ran into the room. I had to chase her inside to give her a kiss and hug. It was amazing. We never had any separation issues after that but at the time it was such a huge deal for me. Amazing how they grow and change, huh? Amazing how we manage not to screw them up beyond repair even though it sometimes feels that way. Thank GOD.

[M&Co.]

Did you not know it's possible to go from VBS to VBS all summer long?

I worry, ALL.THE.TIME that I've screwed up the GirlChild. My goal is we'll get through it and she'll have something besides me to talk about in therapy.

[HippieHickChick]

"When my friend told me he had found jesus, I thought, YAHOO! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different."

(Sorry - it's an old "SNL - Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy" quote that just makes me giggle. I posted it on BB under your article but didn't see it so I thought I'd share here)

[melissaS]

I only trust the Presbyterians because they eat babies and kittens. I don't want my kids getting wacky ideas from other churches. You know about it being 'wrong' to eat babies or kittens.

[sarah]

So it turns out you don't suck as much as you think you do... :-)
Sarah

[Sarcastic Journalist]

Unfortunately, babies aren't allowed at VBS. I just checked.

[patti]

"Do you ever feel like your heart is half excited and half scared? That's how I feel now."

How on earth did you stop yourself from simply eating all that amazing goodness of a girl alive? I'd have swallowed her whole and kept her in my belly forever.

I love Madison.

[clickmom]

Hey Melissa,

Your baby is growing up! Happens no matter what- but notice what a wonderful mom you must be, since she is not only aware of her of her feelings but can express them so eloquently. It's a big deal.

Keep up the good work.

[aderyn]

i cried for my mom the first night of college. ::nods:: in fact, i cried so much in the hotel room my family was staying in, my little brother said "can't she just come back home with us?"

[Tammy/averagemom]

My mother sent us to VBS. And when we outgrew it, she made us go and be "volunteer" helpers at VBS.
I cannot wait to send my kids. I've already told my babysitter (she's a pastor's wife) that she is free to take the kids to church anytime. Bring on the religion. Give me a Sunday morning.

[PaxilMama]

Sweet Jesus--I went on "vacation" to my parents' house in the middle of fecking hot Dayton and even sent my oldest child to a (free)VBS there. Goddamnitall, she was the only one of my three old enough to learn how to "Build on the Rock". From this day forward I will be planning my "vacations" around the VBS schedule. I would never presume to deprive my children of the Midwestern spin on our Lord.

[Ruby]

Can I go to vacation Bible school instead of work? Please :)!?

[Michelle]

There have to be more churches in your area *L* maybe they can go to VBS at ALL the churches .... Im glad you are feeling better have a great time in California!

[Anne]

Porter is like Madison, and slowly we are seeing him open up a little - VBS helped some, although GOD ALMIGHTY those praise songs first thing in the crowded sanctuary sure were LOUD!

Anne www.tinykingdom.typepad.com

[Lil' Sis]

goddamn. That little girl is totally putting both my singers to shame with those words. I swear, she's destined to be a writer or a singer one day. I keep on trying to push it to the music thing, but I secretly know she'll write.

[Kathy]

I loved that post so much that I linked it to my own blog. I hope that's o.k.

[shokufeh]

I love your quote from Madison - it applies so often in life.

[Joset]

Ah yes...free babysitting with The Lord.

It was all well and good until my kids came home singing some song that went "Jesus! Jesus! Oh! Oh! Jesus!" and then real low "jesus...jesus...oh...oh...jesus".

It was 1,000 times worse that listening to that Ram-Sam-Sam song they learned in scouts.

But even so...free is hard to pass up.

[Jozet]

Btw...going by that quote of your daughter's, you are doing far more good than you probably are realizing. What a fabulously aware child you have!

[Andrea]

What your daughter said is one of the best things I've heard in a while.

I was definitely a "cling to me mum's pants" kind of girl when I was younger. While I didn't cry with having to go to school and all, I was dreadfully shy and hated the thought of having to be with people I hadn't met before.

This coming from the young woman who decided one day three years ago that she wanted to up and move a thousand kilometers away from her hometown and now thrives on meeting new people.

It sounds like you have a beautiful and wise girl there. She'll be strong and with much bravery will face things that are still a bit scary.