I sort of wish I was the nanny, and someone would fire me because they read this.

Could someone fire me? Now?

It's just bedtime at this point. Madison's bedtime makes me wish I'd sterilized myself while I actually was nannying for her because I would have been warned. Other than the two hour bedtime routine Madison has subscribed to, which involves: "White floaty things in the air", "Something just broke! I heard it!", "The Oompa Loompas are scaring me.....", "I heard something FALLING!" Other than the bedtime routine things in Summer Hell are going remarkably well.

I don't really want to talk about this because there's something much larger looming.

Yesterday I saw the picture of my kids and my Ass which was taken on Friday at the Detroit Institute of Arts. Yes, I thought it was a picture of my kids and myself, but when I actually saw the picture there was my Ass, screaming for attention.

At first I thought it wasn't my ass jutting out from behind me. I thought it was a part of the painting behind me, or a Mack truck rolling through the Ford Hall. But no! It was my Ass.

My kids appear to be having a great time with my Ass. Of course they're doubting what it's telling them about the great murals in front of us, but can you blame them? What does my Ass know when it's stuffed into my pants?

Ha ha ha. I'm laughing because if I don't laugh I'll jump from the attic window or do something really horrible like stop drinking this stupid fucking beer.

The saddest thing about realizing how huge my stupid Ass is, is realizing I'll need to buy another seat for my Ass on the plane to Blogher.

Tonight this post has been doomed from Madison's bedtime bullshit (fire me! Please!) to Max's 11:23pm wake up and insistence I sleep with him. He's serious. Please fire me. Please.

I have one more unrelated thing to write because this post wasn't nearly as disjointed as my Ass would like. Today we had our "Park Pals" playdate and Chrissy! My favorite pal! Was HOME after two weeks away and it turns out the work my other pals Andrea and Leslie have been doing to help me lose the hugging paranoia is working. Today I arrived at "Park Pals" and was overwhelmed with the desire to hug and thankfully Chrissy was in the mood to accept a hug. An entirely shocking hug coming from me. She actually said, "Wow, you guys broke her!"

They did but also I'm so happy Chrissy is back home. My stay at home world is back in balance. It's not that life stopped while she was away, which is good because Chrissy is my female Logan, except I don't want to have sex with her everytime she leaves me for an extended period of time. She is like Logan in the sense that she puts herself out there and meets lots of different people and because of that I've met Andrea and Leslie and also Stephanie. It's nice to know those friendships still work when Chrissy isn't there like a pair of training wheels for Socially Challenged Me (and my Ass).

God I'm annoyingly cheesy late at night when my Ass is distracting me along with my children.

Tonight as I wrote this post the truths I've come to know about my children were played out. Madison has always since infancy cried for 10 to 15 minutes before she fell asleep, but once she's asleep she stays asleep all night long, since she was 6 weeks old. Max has always gone to sleep without any fuss. Tuck him in and 3 minutes later he's asleep, which is a lot like Logan. I know Logan falls asleep within 3 minutes because when I try to discuss things which bother me 4 minutes after turning off the light, he's dead to the world. Max falls asleep easily but always woke up several times in the night until he was nearly 2 years old.

At this point I don't know which I prefer. Actually I do know what I prefer, I prefer Logan being here to deal with all of this bull shit.

Comments

[Miranda]

Friends! How would we survive without them. Thanks for the reminder to take my kiddoes down to the DIA one of these days. Oh, and your Ass? Not so big. I'd kill to have an ass that small. :)

[hazelblackberry]

Your arse is sleek and self-contained.

[suburban misfit]

Your ass looks fine to me.

But it's all about how YOU feel about it, I know. I feel the same way about my stomach. It won't ever get better without medical intervention, though, because I was the lucky recipient of an emergengy c-section! And from that I won a hugely challenging baby!

I remember way back when, when I was a walking stick figure, thinking that I was fat.

SOOOOOO funny I was then.

[Kismet]

It is just a trick of the photograph. And the photographer? Hoping you'll call and ask him why your ass was filmed at such a bad angle.

~K!

[jenB]

i guess lots of women feel this way....
it is amazing to me, that someone as obviously attractive as you are, would see such a thing in that photo. what are the hot woman always hatin'? stop it. leave that for us uggos and fatties. c'mon.

[Phil]

Sir Mix-a-Lot said it best.

[brilly]

Not wanting to get in trouble here but did you know that you were having your photo taken for the paper? If you did then why didn't the photographer set you guys up better? And if you didn't why did the paper run a photo that shows you with your arms crossed and folded in front of you? Not a everyones having a good time' pic in my eyes.

The guy who took the photo isn't a good press photographer IMHO

As for your bum... it looks great.

[paul]

Bedtime routines should be dictated by the parent, not the child. Early on my wife and I allowed our daughter (also the oldest) to manipulate us as well. Email me if you'd like some suggestions about getting Madison to adhere to YOUR routine. You are the adult. You are the boss.

[PaxilMama]

A tiny bit off the subject: your "things I would buy if this weren't 2004" link caught my eye and UGH. I had never been to the Boden website but now I will be in big trouble with my budget-wielding, Excel pie-graphing "the lion's share of our monthly expenditures" husband. I am ALL ABOUT end of season sales.

AND my ass looks just like that. Could be worse: it could look like some of the asses I saw at Wal-Mart yesterday while I was trying to save a few pennies on groceries to put toward some of those bargain items from Boden...

[BabelBabe]

Your ass is fine. I love your hair. And I am delighted to find that I am not the only person who glares at her children like that : )

Bedtimes suck. My boys drag them out so we go from a ten-minute routine to an hour routine before I've even relaized what's happened. Then I snap back to the ten-minute, only to find two months later that I am back at an hour. Grrrr. Once we moved them into the same bedroom, it got better, because then they could chatter to each other instead of ME. Not that this helps you other than for commiseration value...

[melissaS]

Please don't insult my boyfriend photographer, he's a major figure in my 'Logan's Gone and I'm Ovulating Fantasy Life'.

It is an odd picture and I guess he was just trying to get candids of us looking at the art. I know it looks like I'm pissed and maybe I was a little because Madison said some bullshit about Diego Rivera being a better artist than Frida Kahlo. Fuck that noise!

No really, I knew the guy was down there and I felt self concious about my stomach and fat face with a camera down there in that unflattering spot. Little did I know, I should have had my arms crossed over my ass.

Oh and Madison was asking me a question because she's so smart she wants to know everything about the paintings. I look pissed but I was just listening.

[Jen]

Hey, the Oompa-Loompas scare me too. I don't blame the kid.

[Heather]

An ass is an ass, it doesnt matter the angle, it's still an ass and the photographer cant change that. I think your ass is just fine.........

I always have to suck in my gut.....
I HATE photos! I mean, really, really loathe photos! I'm always the one taking the pictures so i dont have to be in them.

As for bed times, i have a 2 year old that sleeps in the bed with us. He is the only boy and the "baby" of the family. (Out of 4 children) I'm being told that i will live to regret it, but it doesnt bother us at all. Of course he will probably be in therapy for most of his adult life because of it, but hell, if its not one thing it's another........

[Beerzie]

I think you need to fire yourself. Make sure you include a large severence from your ass.

[laura]

Oh, I'm sorry - what? Your ass was distracting me. :^)

[SAJ]

The photographer must have been using a wide angle to get such a nice panoramic shot but the down side is, it makes everything in the shot seem more wide and flattened. Toby took a picture of my face once like this with all the scenery behind me and even though the picture was beautiful all I could think was... is my face really that fat! Toby assured me It isn't. It's just the angle. Besides our eyes understand depth better than a camera lens does. Oh whatever... this is what I tell myself to keep from going insane.

[Megan]

Your ass is not fat, but you are officially fired. Pack your things and go. We'll write a nice, nondescript reference for you. ;)

Hope Logan gets home soon!

[melissaS]

Thank you SAJ, Brian T. Greilick, please email me stat and let me know if you used a wide angle lens to torment me and my Ass.

Also, if you want to talk about Diego Rivera and modern industry....late in the night, at least before Friday, let me know!

[sweetney]

dude, my ass is so much huger than yours... in fact i'm sure that my ass could kick your ass in terms of girth any day of the week.

by the by, looking forward to meeting you and your ass at the blogher blog hoedown. my ass is really excited about it, in fact.

clearly i like saying the word ass.

[melissaS]

Sweetney, if my Ass is rude or offends you at Blogher, please just ignore it. It's always trying to get attention. So embarrassing.

[Carrie]

I think one of my buns is the size of your whole ass.

[kim]

Your ass looks great. In fact, I'll trade your ass for mine any day. I'll even throw in a couple of sausage arms for free. There are no sleeveless shirts in my world...... *sigh*

[jenB]

i wish i could transplant some gut so my ass. my ass feels lonely and out of proportion to my gut. my arms continually hide in embarassment. my thighs haven't talked to anyone in years, they are agoraphobic and never leave the pants. frankly, my ankles are the only ones that can really party.

[GG]

Hey! You made the Chicago Tribune's WomanNews Section today! Great. Here come the hordes....

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

Don't worry, if I were your boss, I'd totally fire your ass.

[Heatheranne]

You and your ass are FIRED. There, I fired you, now lets go have a drink.

[Tammy/averagemom]

So, maybe by the time Boy Terror is two he will sleep? Is that the lesson I was supposed to learn? I don't think I can wait that long to get some sleep...

[Angel]

Dear Melissa,
We're sorry, but your application to The Baby Got Back Club has been denied.
Signed,
Someone whose "back" is bigger than yours.

Seriously, you look fine ;)

[sweetney]

melissa, my ass is kind of a binge drinker, and tends to get a little, uhh, aggressive when it drinks... so if it, you know, grabs your ass at some point during blogher, try not to overreact. or provoke it. or make eye contact.

[jilbur]

I hope you don't take this wrong, but I am suppressing an urge to bite that ass ... baby. you know you're smokin'. Surely you do.

And by the way: you're fired.

[LadyBel]

Maybe I can hire that photographer to take a picture of my very thin mother-in-law at that shitty angle so I can black mail her into being nice to me :oP

[Y]

maybe Your Ass and My Ass could be friends?

My Ass' name is Sunshine and she's a great person. Seriously, Your Ass would love her, especially because My Ass would make you love Your Ass a LOT because, man, mine is like 4 times the size of yours.

At least.

[Y]

Well, shit. I guess My ass doesn't know how to post a link. Sorry about that.

[maia]

Asses are HOT right now Melissa, flaunt it. Wish I worried about my ass instead of my gut..

[buffi]

Yes, I agree with Maia. Asses are hot right now. I hear that ass is the new black. Which is fortunate for me. Because I have LOTS of ass.