I know I have a debt to pay to the internet. Consider this your payment.

Someone calling herself "PMS", which is totally untrue because I've been having my period all fucking weekend, in case you wanted to know, told me I have a debt to the internet. That I needed to write something "substantial" about Blogher because I was lucky enough to go and other people weren't. I was lucky...maybe that's why I cried all the fucking weekend because I couldn't believe that people like me enough to make this happen for me.

Maybe PMS who told me she has proudly earned every letter in the word Bitch because she is a Bitch, might rethink her bitchiness because maybe then someone would want to see her have this once in a lifetime chance to meet some of her favorite people in the world. Instead I have a debt.

Today I just kept writing. Writing and writing trying to say something "substantial" about Blogher and when I was nearly finished I read everyone else's take but it appears that what is true about Alice in real life is also true on the internet.

She's funnier than anyone else in the world. There I said it. She is the funniest person in the world. So even though I'd written 1000 words about this weekend: I deleted them all when I read this and you must go read it right now and release me from my debt to you internet. (I still owe you, Ms Hamster. I intend to pay you back in various way, the most logistically challenging way is nightly foot rubs since you live in New York.)

I am at a coffee shop and I often laugh in public because as everyone has pointed out: I laugh and cry a lot. It must be my medication or my family where every Christmas started with laughs and ended in tears. It's all the same! I have never come this close to rolling on the floor laughing my fucking ass off in public, while alone. Like a crazy homeless person.

Other things I need to touch on....will these be "Substantial" enough?

*My impressions of each of my blogher companions.

*What everyone has said about me, specifically Dooce because holy shit, no one has ever said anything about my smile. In fact in my entire life I've heard, "You don't smile enough." And guess what? It made me cry!

*My impressions of Koan, who has been absorbed into my psyche and doing so made me face my knee-jerk judgmentalism (I made that word up didn't I?).

*My thoughts on the marginalized mommy bloggers and the publisher woman who called us Whiny Bitches because what the hell! We were in the TIMES! Even though we were called neurotic hand wringers....whatever.

*I will also reveal what Alice said to the whole entire group in response to the woman who urged us to write something "important" and not just mommy blogs, which made me cry. (Surprise!)

*I'd also like it noted that during the day I collected, I am not kidding 8 drink tickets. My reputation is unfortunately well deserved. I gave away at least 3 of them though, one to a pregnant woman who begged at my feet for a water (a water was a full ticket?) as I debated another Sierra Nevada....but my guilt won out. (I didn't really make her beg at my feet. But I did make her beg. Dear Pregnant Lady, I'm really sorry I did that.)

This has been a great couple of weeks to be me. Thank you universe.

Comments

[kim]

PMS can eat it.

I have SO enjoyed all of the photos and recaps by all of the women who attended. What a wonderful experience!

Btw, anyone who thinks that 'mommy bloggers' don't write about anything substantial or important have obviously never experienced the hardest job a woman can ever have: motherhood. When I read all of the wonderful blogs about mommy-ness, I feel a kinship and sisterhood with all of the other women going through the same things I am. I'm either blissfully normal or just as fucked up as the rest of you, thank Christ....

[susan]

I too was baffled by the insistance that you write something 'substantial.' Does that mean long? Or filled with big words (hey, you've got judgementalism!)? Or just not about being a Mommy?

I read the post at Finslippy. And I read what you wrote yesterday, and today. ANd I read Dooce and Fussy and--. And I think the substantial part of all of this is that you all found each other through your 'mommy blogs.'

That's all.

[alice]

What Kim said! About the eating it!

PMS is a skank and I will go to her house right now and tell her so. PMS, send me your address. Don't you make my Melissa feel bad, or you will feel my wrath.

I can be funny, but I am here to say that you're right up there with the funny. When you're not, you know, crying.

[sweetney]

marry me?*

*not legally binding in any U.S. state or territory beginning with the letter "M".

[princessfcktard]

i'm so proud of you. just reading what others (whom i also read regularly, btw) have said, i knew it from the start. you go girl!

[A]

Surely I speak for the entire universe when I say no, Melissa, thank YOU.

[Susie]

You know, when I read your re-cap yesterday and went on to the comments, I just knew someone was going to be shitty enough to try to rain on your parade, poke holes in your feelings, pop your balloon. Whatever. You obviously had a great time. I loved reading about it AND wanted to lick ALL the pictures. Ignore the beast. She obviously is unhappy with her current lack of friends and wants to make you feel bad about the great ones you have. XOXOs.

[Flippy]

Ah, I was wondering what the edited PMS had said. Seriously, what could you possibly owe anyone except CH? People are weird.

Who is this publisher woman...and where does her self-loathing come from? Everyone who has a blog that has anything personal in it whines about one thing or another. Geez, if you can't whine in your own damned blog, then what's the point?

[alice]

Sweetney is totally trying to marry both of us! That's called POLYGAMY, bitch!

[Julie]

Just found your blog via Dooce. You crack me up! I think it's fantastic that you and the other ladies at BlogHer had a wonderful time together IRL. Screw PMS and screw anyone who thinks Mommy blogs are fluff. Mommy blogs are as real as life's gonna get.

[GG]

Thanks for the link; I haven't read Finslippy before, but swear my allegiance now. You guys are all terrific and it's so cool that you met. Thanks for bringing us along...

[Phil]

I want an awkward hug so bad, I think I'm going to cry. (Or laugh. Or snore like my grandfather used to.)

[Lisa V]

You know Melissa, it breaks my heart that someone took something so wonderful for you and tried to rub the shine off it. Stupid, jealous and small is all they are.

I read you every fucking day, sometimes 7 times (check your stats, I know you are thinking about that restraining order). If what you write about and if your life isn't immportant, that means mine isn't either I guess.

Do these people think they were hatched out of a rock at 18 and fully formed ? Who do they think raised them ? Guess their mommys and their mommy's experience isn't important either. I wish their moms would have taught them to be polite and maybe think past their own little definitions of life and success.

[clickmom]

Puh, Lease Go away PMS.

You don't "owe" any one any thing. Someone will be always be out there (along with that whiny editor), trying to rain on every one else's parade.....

You are doing just fine, and the other 99.99% of your readers like you just the way you are.

So there, PMS. Suck an egg.

[sweetney]

alice, sweet, sweet alice: no dear, that's called SPREADING THE LOVE AROUND.

BECAUSE I CAN.

[elisabeth]

melissa, you owe us nothing. Sure we wish we were there and are curious about what happened. But the retelling of it won't scrape the surface of what I imagine was an incredible weekend. often I think I "should" blog about a particular event, but then when sitting in front of my computer I fail to find the words to properly convey what i want to say. besides, you might make me cry if you retell it all, and I hate crying, damnit.....

[Sam]

I just want to echo everything clickmom said and also say that I'm so glad that you had such a great time, you deserved it.

[jenB]

i am totally pouting about the lack of marriage proposal from sweetknees.

and fuck! you don't owe us shit. except more of the funny, as alice said, and i like the crying, so keep up with that as well.

[sweetney]

jenb: you stop pussing out and post your recap dealy thing and i'm getting on my knees, babe.

and regarding the awkward hug: that shit was *transformative.* i mean, i've never had to actually ask aloud "when do we stop hugging?"

uh-huh. i just blew your mind, didn't i?

[kate]

shes just jealous.
may she grow unfortunate hairs in unfortunate spots that tweezing and lasering can not remove.
im thrilled that you had a good time.i am jealous that i couldnt go, but maybe next year, more people can go have their own experiences rather than try to live vicariously through others.
love ya,

kg

[Y]

Since when did PMS start using "big words" like "substantial?"

That bitch.

[Wayne]

I want to know what Alice said! Not because you owe the internet anything, just interested.

[marian]

the whole bunch of you are just brilliant. if you'd all been around years and years ago when i was home alone with my screaming baby it would have saved my sanity. now i look at you all and am so impressed, so astounded at how you carve through all the GUILT like f'ing psychic acrobats. bravo.

[christy]

I bet PMS is one of those women who wears t-shirts that say things like "My Attidude is Your Problem" and claims her bitchiness as her only defining personality trait. Woo woo. Good for you, you're a bitch. How one-dimensional. So, anything else? No? *Yawn.*

[Psycho Kitty]

Huh? What you wrote yesterday wasn't substantial? Huh?
Oh. Wait. This PMS person must think that the most important part of the weekend was listening to panels rather than getting to be with women you care about and who care about you, which is one of the coolest effing things about blogging anyway. Me? I could care less about the panels, I just wanna hear about how much fun you had.

[Psycho Kitty]

Well, and maybe a little of the saucy things you said about penises.

[Flan]

Melissa,
Have you ever heard the Joni Mitchell song People's Parties?
There's a line in that song that goes
"laughing and crying, you know, it's the same release"
I think about that a lot. And that's what this post reminded me of.

[Meganann]

You also owe the internet 20 bucks. Pay up. And the internet wants to know if it can have the tupperware it loaned you last week back.

[Laurie from Maryland]

I have been reading your blog for a long time now, and I am happy for your Blogher happiness! I gotta say that I think you are the funniest blogger of them all. I read your blog first thing in the morning at work, and I laugh out loud and/or shoot coffee through my nose with laughter on a regular basis. Thanks for making my work days tolerable!

[Lucy]

Word to what everybody else said. You owe us nothing, although I WOULD love to know more about the penis talk. I'm always up for penis talk.

[Laurie C]

Echoing what everyone else has said. I know people like PMS...they're best left to destroy themselves with their own unhappy lives.

[Mysh]

Melissa, there is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing your daily catharsis with the world. Those people who are judgemental about "neurotic hand wringers" and are quick to jump on how much laughing, crying or whining goes on, are only successfully showing how unfeeling and emotionally detached they are!

Give me a world of Mommy Bloggers over the "politically correct" and "importantly stated" blogs ANY DAY!

Thank YOU and Alice and Mrs. Kennedy, and JenB and Heather and Every single other MOMMY BLOGGER out there who dares to show the rest of the world that while life is certainly a bowl of cherries, there are plenty of days when all you get to deal with are the pits!

You all rock and give so much more social and political commentary in your own ways.

I can't say thank you enough.

[sam]

It is clear from all the name calling that the Angry-Ranters have a crush on our Fab Five. No one is reading their political commentary shit and they are just jealous because the goal of blogging was connecting and you guys did it! Congrats!

Also, in my experience, the smartest people are the funniest people (and I don't mean the ones necessarily with the highest education). I think they all realized you were cuter, smarter, having fun (God forbid), AND DEALING WITH REAL LIFE.

[The Internet]

You don't owe me shit, but Megananne is right about getting my tupperware back. I'm starting to have a serious leftover problem here.

[Annejelynn]

fuck PMS

[Cherie]

Delurking to say that reading your blog (and those of others like you, esp. Alice) is the highlight of my day. I can't believe I get to read this great stuff for free. You are all so talented and funny and we readers out here truly appreciate it and wish we could be as cool and funny and write half as well. That's substantial enough for me.

[Crouching Hamster]

OMIGOD Foot rubs? Have you been spying on me? (I received a much-needed toe rub in the back of a cab last night. Hey - I get it where I can.)

And I think there's PLENTY of substance in laughter and tears.

[Surcie]

"just mommy blogs," huh?
To quote Whitney Houston, HELL to the no!

[angela marie]

Getting the story from many different 'mommy blogs' today has been fun! Makes me feel like I was there, albeit hiding behind the greenery in the hotel and watching you all like a stalker.

So glad you were able to go and have a great time!

[Miranda]

It disgusts me to no end that mamas can't even get respect at an event for blogging women. Isn't the fucking internet big enough for fucking everyone? (Hey, was that a pun or have I just had too much "thank-god-my-offspring-have-finally-collapsed" wine?)

I've read you and Heather Armstrong for what seems like forever and seeing you guys hook up really made my day. You inspire me to do something with my blog so I can go to Blogher or similiar one day.

[Sarcomical]

huh.

i didn't know any blogger 'owed' the internet anything. isn't that the whole damned point? write what you feel, read what you like, and if you want to be an asshole to someone who's not being one to you, go bite yourself.

pms is probably quite red-faced now. unless she's too busy leaving inappropriately nasty, random, and judgemental comments all over blogland...

anyhoooo...
cool pics

[Koan Bremner]

Hi Melissa - made it over here in the end... and I promise I'll try not to make you cry again... thanks for what you said in your post here - I'm really touched ("no argument there" shout the peanut gallery). Mind if I loiter with intent to read for a while? Cheers, Koan