Ban, extra dry.

I've been in a banning mood lately. If you give me unasked for advice. Ban! If you call me ugly. Ban! If you tell me I'm an idiot. Ban! If you tell me to get a life. Ban! I haven't banned a lot of people since I started this website, and if you take out all the in law IP's I've banned, I haven't banned very many people who are not related to me by marriage at all. The other night I got a comment, and honestly I don't even remember all of what it said but Logan read it and said, "Ban that!"

He then took a look at my list of banned IP's and said, "You have got to publish these." So here they are a sampling of some of my most annoying comments from the last 2.5 years. Feel the love!

xxx.xxx.xxx: Reality: "Count Your Glorious Blessings!" Jack Ass.

xxx.xxx.xxx: "My house is fancy! Love me!"

xx.xx.xxx: Fucker at Fucker dot com!

xx.xxx.xx: "Lighten Up Francis"

xxx.xx.xxx: Bitch@Bitch.com

xx.xxx.xx: "Freak, get a life and move on!" uh....what?*

xxx.xxx.xx: L was obviously never breastfed.

xxx.xx.xxx: "Get a real degree!"

xxx.xxx.xx: Chrissy might want to calm herself down.

xxx.xx.xxx: "Get off your ass and get a job!"

xxx.xxx.xx: "Yur kidz are ugly skanky ho!"

xx.xxx.x: "I need the naked pictures of the bliss or others!"

(*This could be in law related or preschool related so I counted it.)

Comments

[christy]

Skanky ho! No one would believe that! You don't have the time to be a skanky ho, what with maintaining your fancy estate and all.

[kristine]

You get those in your comments? I get those in private emails.

I get this one guy who thinks i'm sexy and comments about my lips...I keep those!! LOL.

[MelissaS]

Kristine, I have another folder of hate mail but those don't have catchy labels.

[patti]

Wait, didn't you forget the one that called you "reatarded". Because that one was hilarious.

Am I remembering correctly? Or am I just reatarded?

[Jenna]

Wow~ I feel the love!

[kate]

That skanky ho comment is priceless.

[coolbeans]

"Lighten Up Francis"

Who is Francis? Is this a quote I'm not getting? Why does that make me laugh my face off? I'm totally going to start saying that all the time.

Alsoplus - WHY IS THERE NO CHOP SHOP HERE!?

[AmyinMotown]

"I haven't banned very many people who are not related to me by marriage at all. "

I don't know why but this sent me into gigglefits.

[Kim]

"Lighten up, Francis" is from Stripes. I'm sorry, but remembering it still makes me laugh. I don't care what anyone says, Melissa, you and your writing rock!

[patti]

Coolbeans,

It's a quote from the movie "Stripes".

[Jenn]

"Skanky ho" kills me. A lot of charmers, out there.

[coolbeans]

Thanks for cluing me in.

It's still funny, but it would have been funnier if it were original.

[halloweenlover]

What about that person that sent you a whole email and called you by another name, was it michelle? I am too tired to hunt it down, but that killed me. At least take the time to figure out my name if you are going to lay on the assvice!!!

I second coolbeans, why don't we have a chop shop here? I read with great envy about the day of fun. Sigh.

[Celeste]

Hi M, I ran across your catchy blog name and had to check it out. I personally think you are are a stitch!

[suswhit]

Dang. Was that "unasked for advice" I sent the other night? I'm so hoping I didn't offend. :-/

[Crits]

LMFAO~

Bliss- you know when to let your SB blog RIP when you can write a book with the fucked-up blog comments you have received.

[metalmeredith]

Anyone who gets their own personal clause in any preschool code of conduct is a goddess in my book.

[Michele]

wow, I've only gotten one in the whole three years of blogging--and it was about my son. It's the one where they attack your kids that just gets me. Seriously folks, innocent kids--geez.

[clickmom]

Hey- Look at the passionate responses you inspire! That is the work a true artist. (Or else a lot of crazy folks just happen find you some how)

I'll go with talented, keep up the good work.

[kenya]

but if you were to "get off your lazy ass" and "get a life" and calm down... they would have nothing to do - being deprived of their trolling hobbies and such.

that was funny (sorry to have so much fun at anger directed towards you) and i second coolbeans on needing to use the francis phrase!

girl, you are fabulous. trolls just give you material.

[kenya]

one more thing... speaking of the way your kids look, you have a flikr pic of your daughter at school (a few years ago, it seems) near a pic of your son and your husband in red. it is SCARY how much the little ones look alike!!! your genes are kicking butt, too, cus they both look just like you. im jealous. my daughter doesnt look like my child. her father "spit her out."

[kim]

Ahhh, you gotta love the keyboard warriors. How sad must their lives be?

[Sarcomical]

well that is just proof of how freakish this internet thing can be. ah, joys of sharing one's crap online hoping to be able to have it be an outlet of your true self and getting people who can't spell calling you a skank. lovely.

[maia]

Ouch. It is stuff like that that keeps me from having a blog. That and your battles with the school. I am the sensitive type who would curl up in a ball and sob if I were subjected to the trolls of the world.

But apparently you are strong! And so darn entertaining :)

[Emily G.]

Blech. Sorry you get mean comments. I don't understand why differences of opinion (and that's all you ever say you are stating - you don't pretend to be an expert on The Way The World Should Be) scare so many people into being cruel. It's completely unhelpful to leave comments like that. Ugh. Phooey on them. That is what I say. PHOOEY. Take THAT, stupid commenters!

[madge]

"Lighten up, Francis" is my husband's FAVORITE movie quote. He often directs it at me in times of high tension. This usually works out well for him...

Oh, and Melissa, maybe if you were a better "Christian" you wouldn't get such nasty comments. YOU should start trolling other blogs and tossing mean spirited accusations at reasonable, hilarious and brilliant people. Then you'd stop getting all those bannables and get into heaven, fer sher!

[trisha]

I remember reatarded! That was funny!

(Not the comment itself, but the comments responding to it...)

[DM]

The only hate comments I got were when I said I thought Bush looked like a trained monkey during the 2nd or 3rd debate with Kerry.

Apparently my unwillingness to recognize Bush as the BEST PRESIDENT EVER meant that I was a) an idiot and b) fat. I thought that over eating made me fat but here it is all because I don't love Bush. Which, if you just take it one step further, means that Bush is responsible for me being fat.

Anyway, I adore you and since I am the (self-proclaimed) Queen of the Universe, you should feel very good about yourself.

[Victoria]

Oh, that is so funny! You make me laugh on daily basis, even though I rarely comment. I just had to add that if I could've figured out all of my relative's IP addresses, I would've just banned them INSTEAD OF getting myself a WHOLE NEW web address. Just don't ban me because I Promise I give no assvice- I'd die without my SB, even though I am pretty much just a lurker. ;) You crack me up daily.

[terri c]

HEY!! This is awesome. Bush is responsible for MY weight, too. That's the best news I've had all week.

You and your website are awesome and YOU ARE NEITHER FAT NOR UGLY. so there.

[Regina]

That fat and ugly thing.....I just hate it when someone tells me I have lost weight and look so good. Did I look like a beast before!?!

[Jennifer]

I need to learn how to ban IP's from my blog.

[lis hanaway]

much love to you, melissa, and the beautiful family - makes me almost homesick for fashionable ferndale - always in your corner - Lis