Two plus two is four. Four plus four is eight. Eight plus eight is death.

I have some really big issues to work through lately. I've been thinking a lot about why the restrictions on my own photos sends me careening with anger and a suffocating and often out of proportion need to protect my right to do as I please.

I'm also debating pulling Madison out of her school because I'm not sure it's the best place for her but rather the closest place. There are 28 students in her class right now and even though that sounds like a lot, to actually be in the classroom it's just overwhelming. Madison is much like me in that she is easily overstimulated. I was in the class for less than 10 minutes and felt stressed with the talking 28 children can do. The issue of taking her to a school in a more affluent neighborhood (we have schools of choice around us) brings out several other issues of money and class and the insecurities which come from growing up poor surrounded by awe inspiring privilege in Birmingham.

I've talked before about my weight issues. I feel so tired of thinking about it and I try to tell myself that everytime I sink this low into a self loathing place about my body I pull myself out and get to an okay place. I've done it before, and I know I'll do it again. I keep ballooning higher and higher each time I let myself off the exercise wagon though. I don't want to do this anymore and I really don't want to care anymore.

I've never been happy with my body. When I was a size 4, I wanted to be a 2. When I was a size 8, I wanted to be a 6 and so on meaning I've never ever been happy where I am. I've always realized after the fact, that a size 8 was actually a good weight to be. Why was I hurting myself? Why couldn't I ever be happy? Why is it I can look at the women in my life and not even register their body size as anything more than a passing glance. But for me, my body size is who I am. I really don't have any answer to those questions. Other than it's how I've always felt about my body and sometimes that is so incredibly depressing.

My husband, who is wonderfully loving in so many ways, has not been exactly supportive of me and the changes my body has faced in the last 12 years since we met, married and had two children. He thought I was "letting myself go" when I was a size 8, rather than the size 4 or 6 I was at twenty. When that happened there were other problems in our marriage and I've mentioned them in vague terms before because although I tend to believe talking about things gives away their power, Logan does not believe that same thing. So it's not just my story to tell.

But when he told me I was letting myself go because I wore a size 8, it stung so much I thought I might collapse with the weight of it. It made me so angry I knew I was deliberately not watching what I ate and not working out as a giant fuck you. But then a year or so later I got uncomfortable in my own skin and had gained 10-15 pounds more than I was comfortable with.

What I've realized this last week is that I am not uncomfortable in my body because Logan says asshat things like, "Oh honey, you're not ugly." Leaving out the 'fat' part of my heartache. I'm simply uncomfortable in my skin when I am this weight. There is nothing Logan could say to change that, my body is making me unhappy and I don't know how to gain control again. He can't make me feel better about being fat, he could however, not make me feel worse. He could do that by loving me no matter what my size. By truly not caring if I have 20 extra pounds on me. It seems, he's not able to do that. And I am not able to respect his spending four hours on a Saturday running until his toenails fall off. Maybe we're even. I don't know.

He offered to be my 'coach' in my weight loss effort and I nearly shot him in the face. There could be nothing worse than him having an excuse to tell me what to do and what not to do to regain control over this body I can't seem to live with.

I find myself recently facing a kind of body dysmorphic issue I had in high school when I believed, in spite of what the scale said, I was fat. So I ate sticks of chewing gum all day and brussle sprouts with Molly Mc Butter on them for an after school snack.

I truly don't know what I look like. I live in Michigan where a lot of people are overweight, so when we're out I try to compare myself to other overweight people. To see where I fit, what I look like from the outside because I feel absolutely mammoth and disgusting on the inside. I meet someone, usually another mother, and I think 'She has a couple extra pounds on her and she look absolutely fine. I wonder what size she wears.' I want to grab her pants and peek at the tag, just so I have a reference point. I stand in line at Old Navy, buying the next bigger size in jeans, because the jeans which fit me in June when I put them away for the season, no longer fit. I try to spy the sizes the people around me are buying....so I'll know if I look like her or maybe her.

I find myself not wanting to get dressed in the morning because when you've gained weight you lose a lot of clothes and you don't want to see how horrible you look in things. I find myself avoiding actually moving because I hate to feel my body around me. I try not to look down at myself when I'm sitting. I sit on a chair rather than my bed to write because I hate feeling my skin touching itself in odd places I'm not used to.

I don't know how to dress this body I have now. I'm stuffing myself into clothes which used to fit just right and now only accentuate how fat I am. I'm sitting at the library across from a very skinny woman and I'm thinking about how fat I am.

I used to think about money all the time. I still think about money a lot. I go to playgroup with my girlfriends and I talk about money and then I talk about weight and how I don't want to exercise and I want to drink and I want to eat what I want. I'm becoming exceedingly tiresome, even for myself.

A friend said to me that she just never wants to be 'that mom'. The mom who is overweight but even worse doesn't care for herself. She wears unflattering jeans which accentuate her mom shaped ass and she wears kitty sweatshirts from 20 years ago because, why bother buying nice things for herself?

When she said that I flashed to the pair of pants I bought last month to fit around my expanding body. I cried when I bought them and I cry every morning when I put them on because they give me Mom Ass and there's no way around it: I have Mom Ass and I don't seem willing to do what it takes to not have Mom Ass.

That's the self loathing I suppose. I know what I need to do and I just can not seem to control myself. Maybe that's the problem.....

When I was young I struggled with eating disorders. I felt hunger as power and thinness as beauty. I didn't feel beautiful and I felt powerless. So food, and denying myself, became both those things I needed. I fear, now that I'm huger than I ever believed possible, that I am never going to be able to get control of myself again.

I tried to run. I ran a 5K and I felt powerful for struggling through and making it happen. But I never enjoyed running. I enjoyed punishing myself for being so weak. For being so fat. I ran because I didn't want to change much of the way I ate or drank and I didn't want to do a lot of exercising. 30 minutes, three times a week was the only goal that seemed palatable to me. It still does. Unfortunately, I eat and drink too much to get weight loss results from walking three times a week for thirty minutes.

At some point it just stopped being worth it to run until I spent the rest of the day with intestinal unrest. Maybe I started to like my body after I lost 15 pounds and I didn't hate myself so much that I had to hurt myself 3 times a week running. I stopped punishing myself.

Logan has said he takes that as an insult in a way. That having a healthy and sexy body isn't worth it to me anymore. Why wouldn't I want to be the best I could be? Why don't I want to bring my best self to our relationship?

Why don't I? I guess because I don't think it should matter all that much. I know we live in a world where beauty and body image go together. But I'm still the person he loves, the person who emotionally grows and changes over the years and who grows with him. Why does it matter to him if I'm a size 6 or a size 12?

Unfortunately it's still not as simple as that because he is not the only reason I am upset with myself. I'm upset at myself for letting things plummet this low and whining about it incessantly but never being able to get control over myself. Why the hell does it matter to me if I'm a size 6 or a 12? Why does it matter this much that I end up hating myself so deeply?

I hate writing with questions because it opens me to advice I don't want. It opens me to often painful judgement.

And here's another secret: Sometimes I think I lay my soul out here because the nasty things people say to me ease the nasty voices in my own head. If other people are cruel to me I can ease up on myself.

I don't know how true this is, it's just a theory I'm playing with right now.

[**Update: It's important to note that Logan has apologized to me and understands that his feelings about my weight are more his issues than mine. I wrote about them because it still hurts and isn't helpful, but it's not entirely fair for me to continue to pummel him with his mistake.]

Comments

[Michelle]

Melissa,
I wish I could give you a hug and let you cry on my shoulder and smooth your hair back and just say, "I know, I know..." Because I do know. I don't have the answers, but I know.

[clickmom]

Girlfriend,
I have/am walked/walking in your shoes. I have been up and down and up and down again.

You and I know the weight has nothing to do with Logan or your relationship.

You will get where you need to be, just go easy on yourself in the mean time.

[andrea]

First! You need a hug
(((Mellisa)))
I am going to give my two cents. You didnt turn your coments off so I am thinking you want something.
You need to duck tape your husbands mouth shut and tell him everything you told us.
You may want to talk to someone professionally as well as you are hurting about something.
I am in the same body hating mode that you are in. I was an 11 and am now a 13. Hate it. I feel ya but your pain seems so much worse.
I still think that the way you are raising your kids is great. I personally think you are reading your daughters class size thing correctly.
And the stupid clause is a rude ass infringment on who you are. It is making you sad because you are not allowed to be who you are. It is taking away something that gave you joy and now you are left with only worries and sadness.
What I do when I am feeling low, is dig into the savings and do a me day - pedicure, manicure and massage. It makes me feel beautiful and puts my life back into perspective for me. I do it alone with no friends so my thoughts are mine to release.
I once had a hot rock massage that was so relaxing and emotional I cried then slept right there on the table. I awoke ten minutes later with a different approach ot my problems.
This is my way and just a recomendation.

Remember that you are not alone.

[tek]

Oh Melissa, I'm so sorry to hear you so down on yourself. Gaining weight as we all get older just seems so inevitable and I'm right there with you not wanting to have to bloody WORK to get it all off. It is hard and frustrating and it's even harder when you don't feel supported in the way you want by the one you love.

I have all kinds of ridiculous advice, of course, but I'm certain you've heard it all. Every woman trying to lose weight surely has. Please don't leave the comments open - you really don't need the kind of crap trolls will throw at you with this opening.

[tek]

Although on the up side, you will get lovely supportive responses like the ones above by Andrea.

Take care of yourself.

[Kimberly]

Oh Melissa. I just want to hug you. To listen to you. To let you know that it's ok to be a size 12 or 16 or 6. It doesn't matter--except that if it matters to you, it does. I am so sorry you feel you are ugly and disgusting inside, because trust me, you are beautiful. I've read Suburban Bliss from start to now, and YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. I'm sorry Logan doesn't get it. I'd like to say so much more, but mostly I'd like to hug you and then take you to a mirror and introduce you to Melissa Summers. She's one of my best internet friends. She's smart, and funny and sarcastic and evil and a bit of mess, but in that honest way. I really like her. If you got to know her, I'm pretty sure you would too.

[Angie]

Hi Melissa. I am a constant lurker, but rarely comment, if ever. Your post made me sad for where you are at right now. I have been there. The balancing act we have to do as mothers and wives is the hardest job in the world. I know this doesn't help much when you feel like this, but try and go easy on yourself. You are so talented, incredibly funny and from what everyone says that has actually met you - so sweet! Let's face it - we aren't the 20somethings we used to be - we are the late 30somethings that we have become - we will never look that way again and that's okay. Do just enough to make yourself feel better, mentally, and don't try to be a certain size or lose a certain amount. You have so many great qualities - being a size 6 doesn't have to be one of them! I hope you are feeling better soon.

[Nicole]

I hate that you are feeling so low. I don't know you so I can't invite you over for a pity session with low fat ice cream and lots of talking and hugs. Everyone that has commented is right. You are a beautfiul person and your size does not matter. Men often do not know how to be supportive in this situation. ( or very many others for that matter!) Learn to love yourself no matter what your size is-YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! Easier said then doneas it is a constant battle for me and many other women as well. Good luck and hang in there, gorgeous!

[Meghan]

Here's my two cents for what it's worth:If it's possible, try to remove your husband from the equasion. It seems to be a battle between your mind and you body and if your husband factors in, you complicate things to the point where you might be using the issue of weight as a power struggle (you eluded to it in your post). AND if it's your mind AND your husband against you, well, that's just not a fair fight. My husband and I have this fight about smoking so I know firsthand.

Try to keep it simple. Try to do things that make you feel good and that make you feel empowered. Don't allow yourself to criticize. It takes practice, but I think you can stop allowing negative thoughts, or drastically cut them down. Your first step is to stop beating yourself up. Then maybe instead of considering exercise as a punishment, you can do it because you enjoy it and it makes you feel good. It helps me with my moderate depression, I can say that much. You are lovely Melissa. Try to keep that in mind. Be nicer to yourself. You deserve it.

[Erica]

A friend of mine used to remind me: Be gentle with yourself. *hugs*
While it doesn't make things hurt any less, please know that you're not alone in feeling this way. Sending positive thoughts and love across the 'net!

[Nancy Toby]

This is a tough post to read. (Partly, I have to admit, is because the sizes you're talking about - the largest numbers you name - are sizes that I would love to see again!) Partly because it speaks to a lot of pain that I have experienced at many times in my life.

But anyway, just two comments:
- YOU are not your body.
- Your husband has NO FREAKING RIGHT to sit in judgment of you. That is NOT part of the marriage contract.

[Gen]

I'm sorry you're sad, Melissa. Meghan just wrote a lot of what I wanted to say. I'd like to suggest some ideas that might help, as well. You've given me so many entertaining hours of reading that I want to give you something back; that's where I'm coming from.

Whatever you decide to do, do it in tiny steps, and build new habits, instead of trying to change your life "cold turkey" as it were. If you decide to modify your diet, do it with one no-carb dinner a week for a month, then two dinners, etc. That'll give you a chance to make a new habit. If you want to exercise, find something you LIKE to do first. Walk? Swim? Bike? You don't have to run, and it's very stressful on your body. Do it once a week, then twice, etc.

Conquering that judgmental voice in your head is going to take the same treatment. You can't do it overnight, but try whenever you can to replace the thought with something more charitable; something that you would say to a friend. This has worked for me, and if you don't do anything else, I think this one thing would help you be a little easier on yourself.

You have so many friends, and readers who would love to call you a friend, that I hope you can see that you can learn to be a friend to yourself as well.

[metalmeredith]

Are you me? Do I know you?
Thanks for being able to write what is in my brain that I am not able to get out.
Mom peer pressure sucks. I feel it too. Add about 7 tattoos and funny colored hair to the mix and you have me at the church preschool, dressed all in black in my size 24, 287 pound glory. No minivan, no Ann Taylor sweater sets, no cute flats. Do they hate me or do I hate them? I can't figure it out.
Enough about me, I think you are bitchen.

[brooke]

i agree with most of the comments above but wanted to stress one thing. i know how it feels to be uncomfortable in your own skin (i've felt that way recently myself), but it seems like you don't want to stay that way. i don't either. i'm not sure what the answer is but just know that there is always hope. ALWAYS. you will find a way out of this stage of your life. i would highly recommend talking to someone outside of your normal life (a professional of some sort maybe?) just to get some perspective and work through some of the underlying problems. continue communicating with your husband. i know its hard sometimes, especially when he doesn't understand. but its just so important. and as kimberly said "I'd like to say so much more, but mostly I'd like to hug you and then take you to a mirror and introduce you to Melissa Summers. She's one of my best internet friends. She's smart, and funny and sarcastic and evil and a bit of mess, but in that honest way. I really like her. If you got to know her, I'm pretty sure you would too." i feel this way too. thank you for writing. thank you for being honest about life.

[Rocky]

I damn near cried when I read this. I'm so glad I'm not the only person who feels this way from time to time. But, of course, that doesn't help you at all. Sending strength your way...

[kim]

Thank you.

Really.

[DaFFy]

I'm right where you are. I hate being this size, even though to others, it may not seem that bad. I'm uncomfortable. Why is it so bad to be a size 13-ish? Why do I feel like I'm a size 18? Like you, I want to eat, drink and be merry. I hate exercising. The thing is, how can we come to the realisation that being a certain size CAN be sexy when guys like Logan can't get their heads around it?. Who decreed thin is everything?
It's all too hard, really.

[Cori]

I have travelled down many of the same paths as you have and, while I'm bigger than you are now, I know how hard it gets be always feel too *big* for the person that you really are. I didn't go to BlogHer simply because I didn't think I'd look like the bloggers I like so much. I love that you are getting so many supportive comments. They are all right. You are not the size on the back of your jeans or the number on a scale. You are the funny, honest, sarcastic, amusing, and beautiful woman that we come here to see. You are the person that your friends love to hang out with, that says the things we all think but can't put into words. You are an amazing mom, loving wife, and terrific writer. That is enoug...hell, that's more than many of us can say!

[margalit]

I'm sorry you are feeling so out of sorts with yourself, but I do agree with other commenters that you need to leave your husband out of the equation. If you're disgusted with yourself, then you need to deal with that issue, because you aren't ever going to feel good about your body unless you deal with your own feelings of inadequacy. I speak as a large woman that is totally comfortable being large. I don't care if other people don't like it, I feel OK about who I am, and that's exactly the way you need to feel about yourself. Get the help you need to learn to love yourself without question.

[Rachel]

I've never posted before, but I've read your blog for a long while... I just wanted to say that if you're looking at people and wondering what you look like to the "outside world", I have seen pictures (recent ones you posted etc.) and I have to tell you that this is very much in your mind, and you are right in realizing you have a dysmorphic view of yourself.

You look great, and NO ONE looking at you would even dream of the word "fat". I really mean it. Its too bad you couldn't know me, and therefore know that I'm not just saying this to make you feel better, but please believe me that you need to go easy on yourself, and realize that your husband, although you protect him gallantly, obviously has his own issues with his body and is not a useful yardstick to measure yourself by.

I know you say that he isn't the reason you can't accept your body at certain weights - but I think he's being extremely unhelpful by pushing the same message as much of our society that says "if you are super thin, you're a better person" (which is ridiculous and really a phenomenon of westernized culture).

Maybe I've posted this because after the recent birth of my second child I'm not the size 4/6 I've usually been, and have found myself sizing up other people as well. Fortunately my husband seems to almost love me more a couple sizes up from there...its as if he senses that I'm more vulnerable and it brings out his gallant protective side. Maybe Logan needs to get in touch with his.

[karyn]

Melissa,

I have been feeling this way about my body lately, too. So much so that my husband even commented that I seemed to be preoccupied with body image lately (not my usual style). It's something to do with having two kids, turning 30 and realizing that those size 6 and 8 pants are mocking me in my closet. I finally realized that while my weight hadn't really changed, my body shape had, and I had to move up a size (or two) in order to be comfortable. One thing that I found really helped me was that I sold all of my too small pants at a garage sale. It didn't matter if they were new 6 months before or before I was pregnant. I wasn't going to fit them again, they made me feel bad, so I got rid of them. And you know? It really did help a bit. I mean, when clothes start mocking you, it's time to get rid of them.

I also hate running. I don't really like exercise at all, although I like biking (because I figured out that when I am biking I am working out AND sitting down. See how my brain works?). So try and find exercise to do that will make you feel good about yourself. Don't compare your exercise regime to Logan. You are not him, and most importantly, you shouldn't want to be like him. And he shouldn't want you to be like him either. Just be you, whoever that may turn out to be.

I feel like I am venturing into the realm of assvice, but I really just want you to know that I feel for you, and I understand (a bit) about how you are feeling. I wish you could feel better, but I think it will just take time. I wish that I could state my response as eloquently as you state your post.

Thinking about you and wishing you felt better.

[Nicole]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. I'm sorry Logan is being such a dude about it, and not giving you what you need right now. I kind of want to stomp on his precious little runner's feet.
When I'm at my lowest, I find it impossible to do anything to help myself. The weight of that awful sadness just pins me down and I can't even open my mouth to talk about it, much less get up and do something. Depression turns me into stone. Are you in that state?
I think it might help if you address your state of mind first. It probably feels like the weight issues are an integral part of your unhappiness right now, but it's been my experience that self-image issues are a quintillion times worse when I'm depressed and seeing myself through the filter of misery. Once I manage to shake the awful fog of sadness out of my head, even a little (yay drugs!), it becomes easier to know what I need to do to make things better for myself.

However you do it, I hope you feel happier soon. And by the way, as much as I dig you for your personality, I still have a crush on you. You might not think it at the moment, but you really are a hottie.

[silvermine]

Oh my god -- I'm guessing your husband doesn't really know what he's saying, because they way you describe it, it would take a cold, heartless person to say that. I mean... um... how on earth are you ever supposed to quietly figure out how to do what you need to do, if he's standing there basically telling you not only are you a failure, but it means you don't even care about him or something.

That's just complete crap.

You do need to totally ignore him. Every second that you try to get control, you're going to think about what he says, and hate it, and then it's going to make you hate what you're doing. Honestly, if I had that hanging over my head, I don't even know how I would be successful.

I've had trouble ever since I stopped being as active as I used to be -- in college, I walked a lot of course, so I could eat more evil stuff and still be a decent weight. (And, of course, I thought I weighed too much at the time, and yes, I'd kill to be that weight now. :D)

I don't like the weight I am, but it hasn't bugged me too much in the past year or so. Right after my son was born... I was a mess. I gained a ton of weight, and got a million strechmarks. (I really liked my little tummy before... now it's just a disaster area and will probably never be something I want to look at, much less something to show to anyone else. :P) But, while I wish I looked perfect, I don't feel especially gross (I hate tha tweird back fat) anymore... But, I have to say, I think the only reason why is because my husband contantly told (and tells) me that he thinks I'm beautiful.. and for some reason I believe him.

So I've lost about 10 pounds since my 2.5 year old son was born, so at least I can wear size 14 instead of 16. If I can get my act together, I can probably be a 12. But then, that's the size I was before he was born. :P

I've tried weight watchers, and I sometimes exercise (haven't had time lately between moving, a two year old, and working full time at a new job). I'm the most successful when I eat better because I like the idea of eating healthy food (I can actually get excited about eating green leafy veggies, when I think about how nutritious and healthy it is. Generally it helps if I'm thinking about how much I want to be pregnant. :D) And exercising feels *good* if you jsut do it to feel good. I get a rush from it, it makes my brain feel good and I love a good honest sweat.

But, truely, it's hard to bother to do it anyway. :P

Anyway, best of luck. I really think there's probably a mental block you need to get past before you're going to be successful at it though. :/ (And maybe I can get over mine, and lose that 15 pounds I want to lose...)

[ae]

Melissa,
Hi. We met at BlogHer, standing in line at that crazy Italian-Mexican restaurant. The commenters above have said most of what I wanted to say, but I wanted to reiterate 2 strategies that have worked for me when the voices in my head seemed to drown out other, more reasonable responses: 1) talk to yourself as if you were your friend. seriously. 2) go outside, even if it's just for 5, 10 minutes; sit quietly in the sun and soak it in. Soon you may want to walk in the sun (no reason to run if you hate it). And if you have time, walking w/ a friend can give you some necessary decompressing time, too. Schedule it as part of your day, if you have to. Make it as important as anything else.

If walking is not your thing, have you tried yoga? I highly recommend it for creating those positive mind-body links. It's a work out, trust me, but what I really value about it is the quiet and stillness of it, which I can't seem to find anywhere else in my run-around days and nights. The good thing is that it's addictive. Go once, twice, and you'll want that feeling again. The rest of taking care of yourself (in the broadest sense of that phrase) will follow.

And I am sorry if I am speaking out of turn here, because I'm not terribly well read in your life's story, but maybe Logan needs not to comment on this for a while (or ever). Even if he "means nothing by it," it can feel like piling on when you're low. If you can get your focus to something, anything, that you enjoy, you will want more of it. But first, you have to -- no excuses here -- be kinder to yourself. I liked you from talking w/ you for 2 minutes.

Don't forget: you've already done one courageous and self-protective thing -- you've been honest w/ yourself and w/ us in writing this post. That's a great indicator of your future healthiness. Now take step two and three...

xo,
ae

[JustLinda]

I didn't read any of the other comments, but your post touched me in a few ways.

First, I'm angry with your husband on your behalf. I'll just leave it at that.

Second, I am "that mom" and I don't even give a f*ck what your friend thinks of me. That doesn't matter a BIT to me. I care about my husband and kids and WHEN I do finally lick this thing (unfortunate choice of words, now I'm thinking ICE CREAM LOL) it will be for them and I'll know they loved me the whole way through and that matters to me.

Third, I also do that thing where I size other women up. Only I do it with my husband. "Look at her." I'll say. "She's the same size and body shape as me, right?" and my husband is amazed that I always seem to choose people who are way bigger than me. So I guess I have that dysmorphic thing too or maybe we all do.

I work hard every day not to hate myself. I swear, it's EXHAUSTING (if only it burned calories, eh?). I *will* love myself because I have worth that transends that fucking number on that fucking scale. AND SO DO YOU.

I wish I could fix it for you. For me. For ALL of us.

[jenB]

in what universe is a size 12 fat? i sympathize with the reality of how you feel about yourself, but you are not "fat" and likely not even overweight in a medical sense. AND AND i think you are beautiful.

i totally understand what you are saying, all of it. i have been there, am there, gone there and back again. i do not have the same spousal issues though. i have issues, just not those. i will offer you empathy, because if advice from others worked, i would be happy with my body too.

i feel like giving a collective hug to all my sisters who suffer from body hatred. what a collosal mind fuck. a patriarchal conspiracy that continues to keep us down.

chin up my lovely, chin up.

[heather]

i am so there with you, empathizing. i hate that new skin-on-skin-that-wasn't-there-before feeling. the hopelessness of ever getting it off. something i read a while back gives me some iota of hope, i hope it can inspire you: "ANY step you take, no matter how small, will move you towards your goals and a happier life."

it feels good to know there are other people out there who have the same mental conversations, melissa. thank you for sharing yours.

[JustLinda]

Oh, goodness - I just read my comment and it wasn't at all how I intended it to sound. I was trying to commisserate WITH you. That's all.

If I worded it all poorly, please forgive?

[MelissaS]

Yes Linda but I think her point was: if we give everything to our kids and spouses, what happens to us. We have to love ourselves and not wearing nice clothes and letting Mom Ass take over leaves us depleted. Especially over time and one day our kids will strike out on their own and there we'll be with our Mom Ass. Then what?

Her point was she wants to care about herself and her family. She's twice the mother to one third extra kids than I have. I know what she's saying. I agree and that's why Mom Ass is hurting me so much right now.

[Cyndi]

I have really liked Logan for all these many months I have been lurking at your blog, feeling cooler for hanging out with you. Now, not so much. I can't summon up much respect for a grown man whose priorities are so shallow. I am really surprisingly pissed on your behalf that he is tearing you down rather than building you up. If your wedding vows were anything like mine, they acknowledged the possibility that situations might change and that both parties were in it for the long haul, jeans size notwithstanding. I "know" you well enough to suspect that Logan didn't marry you solely for your body...you have too many other bonus qualities. AND you're adorable.

I am the mother of 2 children with special needs, and yes, there is more of me than there used to be, but I also have more pressing things to attend to these days than finding time to purge faithfully after meals. There's not only more of me, there's more TO me. If having my 25-year-old body back means having my silly, shallow, self-centered personality back, then I'll keep the Mom Ass, thanks.

You ROCK. The internet knows it, your real friends know it, your darling kids know it. Too bad the two most important people in your life--Logan and YOU--have temporarily lost sight of that fact.

[styro]

If it makes you feel better, I've got Mom Ass and I've never even been pregnant.

*hug* We all feel your struggle: i don't know a single woman who's happy with her body. I think you're beautiful. AND you have toenails and non-poopy underpants, both of which are a big plus in my book.

[grudge girl]

Yeah. I know. My solution was to get pregnant AGAIN! Because it's okay to be overweight when you're pregnant. And no one can say anything. And you yourself don't even know what is baby and what is you. And you can eat and sit. And everyone adores you.

I'm a MISERABLE size 10 right now. And you know what? I would totally love to be pregnant again just to cover it up. Even though we're already destitute and overcrowded. It's a daily struggle to take that birth control.

My god. What you wrote about the clothes? And the not looking down while sitting? Dead on. It's so sad and so weird that there's somebody else in the world who's feeling that shame. You hit on the important point though, which is that, forgetting whatever standards your husband has internalized, you are over what is comfortable for you.

I'm going to do pilates with a friend. Have you tried that? Because after my 2nd baby, it was the only thing that worked, and it worked pretty quickly. Do you have a friend who will go with you, so you can be geeky and giggly and struggle together?

Of course, if it were still State Fair season here in Indianapolis, I'd invite you for a weekend. Because you'd totally feel positively WISPY after a visit there!

Pilates, or State Fair? Win/win.

[cheryl]

I'd just like to slap your hubby right now, just because it reminds me of what my ex-hubby did to me. A few months after our son was born, he told me I was "repulsive" because at a size "8", I had not lost all my baby weight. He was the kind of guy who said things like that the reason his friend was an alcoholic was because his wife (who'd had 3 kids) was chubby. Hearing that kind of thing over and over again destroyed my self-esteem. I was depressed, and I gained more weight. And I get SO very angry when I hear about other men doing this to their wives. It is very difficult to find the motivation to lose weight when we don't care about ourselves. And it is VERY difficult to care for ourselves when the one other person who is supposed to care most about us is so critical. You're beautiful, Melissa, no matter what the number on your jeans tag is.

[Nopoodle]

Melissa, I've been a lurker for a while, but don't think i've ever posted.

I just had to, this time, because...my god...I could have written that post. (not nearly so eloquently, of course, but you get my drift.)

There is something good about knowing I am not the only person who feels that way...right down to the talking about money then about weight, and being powerless to do anything about it.

It's either misery loves company, or strength in numbers. Let's discuss it over a glass of wine.

[Rachel B]

Hello, Melissa.

Another lurker here. I'm going to try and go easy on the advice.

I'm in a relationship where my bloke is the one with the body issues. It tears me apart to listen to him on his bad days, but I do.

I do know what you mean about the paranoia over weight gain. I was depressed for a year, and then turned around and thought "My God, body, what have you DONE? When did this happen?" So I spend ages finding clothes to wear that accentuate the curves, or swish nicely when I walk, or just feel damn good. I don't find clothes that do that often, but I really embarass the sales girl when I do.

I only realised the other day right as I told a room full of people that I was an anorexic sick kid, so I have really STRONG memories of the famine. It used to take me an entire 40 minute lunch break to eat an apple. I'd just realised that memories of that make me incapable of ever denying myself anything that I want to eat. Because I'm terrified of ever being that sick again. So food is my way of telling me that I'm never going to lose control of my body like that again.
I empathise with you a very great deal.

And I only ever run when I'm about to miss my bus. To hell with running for any other purpose. The only way any man of mine would get me to run would be if he was coming after me with a knife.
I spit on running too.

I used to belly dance. I still belly dance to myself in the dressing room at clothes stores when I find something that looks damn fantastic. (Now THERE'S a Postsecret) I haven't had any loss of perspective about my body ever since I took that up. It was scary as hell for the first while though, until I got used to making my podgy little body work to my advantage.

Best wishes,
Rachel

[Yvonne]

It's kind of ironic that I got to your blog via a link in a profile on obesityhelp.com. Obviously, I have issues since I'm obsessively looking at before/after pics on that website to begin with. *LOL*

[S]

I had to look back at some pictures to size Mr Self-righteous up. Does he wear eyeliner?

Once you get back to where you want to be, you can follow my diet. It's good for obsessive people. Weigh every 3 days or so in the morning, post-pee, and also if you're sensing a problem. You should have some magic number that is normal and then a I can eat chocolate cake today weight and then a oh my god weight. Depending on which scenario you come up with each time, eat and exercise accordingly for the next few days. If you cut out the bad stuff and exercise, you'll be back to normal in a couple of days. I do this because I'm not sure I have the willpower to lose more than a few pounds. Good luck with everything in the mean time. You'll figure it out.

[jess]

This is a SCARY place to comment, but, i have no advice - just sympathy. I think you have probably opened yourself up to a whole lot of opinions that will probably not feel so good - for that i'm sorry.

You look great. You have an awesome, happy smile. You seem so sad lately. That sucks.

Take care. Change schools - that's my advice.

[Melissa]

***Hugs***

And, thank you for saying this. It's true for so many. Including me.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I wish you all the best.

***Hugs***

[Kat]

Melisa, forgive me for doing this and go ahead and delete if it's inappropriate, but I want to respond to Nancy, if she's still reading:

My life is more like yours than Melisa's. I work and wish I was home, most of the time. But often the way I feel is a lot like Melisa describes. What I see Melisa doing and saying, and perhaps you don't see this because you're a sporadic reader, is that she's not usually complaining about staying home, but the fact that she has ongoing issues with self-esteem and feeling secure and supported in her relationships. When you have this kind of ongoing anxiety it makes it hard to feel good about anything in your life, even the good stuff. And then it's a viscious cycle in that you feel guilty because you don't seem grateful enough for the good stuff. And then you feel like a bad person.

You say that being a SAHM mom is a job you would love to have, and maybe you have the inner and outer resources to do it and enjoy it. Not everyone does and I think this is what Melisa has been talking about. I don't think it's fair to come here and dump your frustrations on her, and pass judgement on how she's dealing with her marriage, especially when she's feeling so down.

I hope you get the life you want. We all deserve to have our hearts be happy and at peace and we all deserve the support we need to get there.

[Angel]

I'm biting my tongue with the advice. But I wanted you to know that I do understand, and send you a tender (((Hug)))).

[FlippyO]

I'm sorry that there are readers who can't seem to understand that whatever you post, however you feel, they're your feelings and they're valid, because it's your life. You don't need to be told how lucky you are compared to other people. All of us have enough money to have computers, so I can say that financially we're all better off than someone. So fucking what?

I don't understand how Logan can't see that he's not helping. Maybe tough love would be okay if you had a meth lab in the basement. It's not okay when someone is struggling with their weight or anything related to how they feel about themselves. I'm sorry that you're not getting more support. However, we all know (yeah, yeah, I can relate partially to where you are now too) that most of our physical self-loathing is the nasty enemy within us.

I'm currently in my fat pants...and I HATE it. I feel like my body is too big for my skin. I'm fortunate that no matter what I do (or don't do), I have support at home. You may not know us, but I can at least guarantee that you have hundreds of supporters online. So, whatever you decide to do, save the meth lab, we're with you. And if you start up a meth lab, we'll all fly to Michigan and stage an intervention.

[AdventureDad]

Wow. Very personal and emotional post. Thanks for sharing. It's obvious that you and especially your husband have some issues to work out but I don't think this is the place for me to give you unsolicited advice.

I do think your husband is an asshole for saying those things to you and for not supporting you. I he really your husband? It's very clear to me he needs to get his shit together or you will not be there for him. I have never faced your problems but I know people who have. To get back on track, with that I mean feel happier and more satisfied with yourself, you will need lots of support which should mainly come from family and friends.

Good luck Melissa

AD

[chris]

(steady lurker, sporadic poster) girl, i hear you so clearly that it's making my ears ring! and oh, do i know what a rotten place this is to be. your brain and your heart are who you are (not your body)- and the good parts will eventually triumph. you've got what it takes. blessings

[Paige]

Nancy -
The grass is always greener on the other side of the monitor. Certainly if you've been at home with your kids in the past, you can sympathize with a woman who not only has a TON on her plate, but also spends oodles of time considering her life and her choices, concerned about doing the best thing.

To say you can't relate is fair, to say she's 'gone too far' is nothing short of patronizing. I challenge anyone here to tell me there's never a day when they don't want a break from their kids or husband.

Melissa - you've obviously got so much support here, and I hope that some of our words can lift your spirits. Sometimes that is all it takes to get motivated. For me, I had to find a kind of exercise that I enjoyed. I also hate running. My husband runs three miles a day, and I can't stand it. I discovered that I liked to swim laps, and used the early mornings when Dash was in school or at a friend's house to go swim laps for an hour. I found it cleared my head and helped me start my day on a positive note. Maybe the key for you is just finding the type of activity you can actually get excited about?

I know I know, you don't need advice. But I'm a mom, I can't help it!

Much love.

[D]

I don't want to give you advice, I want to tell you about my situation with my partner, and body issues, because your post just stabbed my heart. My partner, he is fat. There were medical reasons why he put on the weight, and now they're (mostly) gone, he has to struggle to lose it. It's been this way for a couple of years, and it's a struggle. He's winning it now, but it's a slow hard battle. It's a cruel irony, because he was prone to body dismorphia from very young, egged on by his father, who has always loved to run, and play squash, and couldn't see that his way was not THE way for his son. He wasn't fat then, but he inherited his mother's genes, prone to weight gain, and not his father's. He also developed an intense punishment attitude to exercise - it's only worth it if you suffer - and that meant he'd give up any attempt by thinking he SHOULD be able to do this, lose that much weight, run this far etc. and become discouraged when the results weren't happening. Many many issues to overcome, lots of them bound up with conditional love and realtionships. His weight gain was sudden, and severe, and mostly out of his control. Now he needs to deal with it and he resents it.

I love him as if my heart would stop beating if he was gone. He is my soul mate and my life and I would do anything to help him. I can't help with the weight loss, other than to support (silently and in practical ways, like nutrition at home). Any attempt by me to push him to focus on the weight and/or loss of it would be totally counter-productive - it would take him back to those feelings of love being conditional on how you look, on appearance, that his father fostered in him. It would provoke the opposite reaction to the one I wish for. I've learnt by trial and error, I've been the Logan in the scenario. Here's the shocking part - I've felt less attracted to him as a fat man. It's been a struggle not to show it sometimes, and I've bitten my lip on my feelings many times. I'm ashamed I feel that way about the man I love, that I don't find that version of his body as sexy as the streamlined version. Deeply, deeply ashamed. I've wondered to myself in the past if he knew I felt like this, would it motivate him to try harder, to try for me because he loves me, to make our relationship better? Why would you disrespect yourself and your body and your relationship with your partner by not trying to lose that weight that makes BOTH of us so unhappy? But of course that's the problem - he already hates his body, hates himself, wants to be better but can't see the way forward, because if you try you might fail, and failure is an admission of defeat. It would not help him to love himself if he felt my love was conditional. And of course my love isn't - I'm here through the fat times and the lean times - and I'm guessing Logan's isn't either. Here's a horrid generalisation, but men often want to solve problems - they offer solutions instead of support. Logan's trying to motivate you because he can see you're unhappy with yourself, he wants to help. He's going about it in the wrong way, that's shockingly obvious, and he's hurt you deeply, but I'm sure he can see that. You'll find a way. Love to you both, from a lurker.

[Tracy]

Melissa,
This may sound kind of crazy or kooky or stalker-like and I totally apologize...lol.. but here goes...
One of the main reasons I love reading your blog is that it seems as though when I am going through some kind of issue in life you are in some kind of similar situation. The difference being that you are much more eloquent with your words than I could ever strive to be.
I don't have much time this morning but I want to say that I truly feel your pain. I understand the need to "punish" yourself over the whole weight issue. I am the queen of the self sabotage and punishment cycle as far as weight loss is concerned. I just posted about this Thursday night actually on my blog. (I am fairly new at it though and don't know how to link you there from here.. sorry).
Keep the faith. You are a beautiful person (this is apparent in the way that you lay your soul bare here almost every day). Also I have to say that I have seen your picture many times here on the blog and I think you look wonderful. I understand it's a question of feeling good about YOURSELF but if it means anything this stranger up here in Massachusetts thinks you look perfect. Take Care. ((hugs))

[lee]

Another regular reader, possible first-time poster.

I just wanted to say that was a very thoughtful, open, well-written post. You obviously have talent. Also: you are always joking about how you're a little irrational and overly sensitive, but it seems to me that you are being very clear-headed 99.9% of the time. This is no exception.

I think you know what you need to do to get through this -- I don't have any assvice that you haven't already thought of, I'm sure. I just wish we could give you the added collective "oomph" you need to get over some of the hurdles in front of you for the moment. I have no doubts, though. You're a brave and capable woman. You'll do it on your own.

[christy]

Ok - everyone else has pretty much said what I would say, but I must add if someone told me I was letting myself go, I would let myself go and push them down the stairs.

[Molly]

You wrote that post very eloquently and I really feel for you. I too felt a rush of anger that your husband is not supportive in this area of your life (although he might think he is).

I love reading your blog and whenever you post photos I think you look GREAT.

I hope you can soon be as nice to yourself as you would be if one of your friends were having these feelings. Because I can just tell you are a very supportive and lovely friend.

[anne]

do you know the poem "musee de beaux arts" by auden? sometimes it helps me to read it, to think about how there's all this STUFF going on and it's all equally valid and each thing gives the others importance just by virtue of their collective volume, and also that what is significant to one person might not be to another; that it's important to try and see it all.
"even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course"
might be useful, might not. one does so badly wish to feel that one is being helpful, but i have no actual useful advice for you.

[Michelle]

Reading your post almost made me cry.The more I thought about it though, it made me filled with rage towards your husband! Shame on him! I can't believe he would tell you those things! Husbands should be there to lift you up and encourage you, not to tear you down and make you feel like shit! Girl, if I lived anywhere near you, I would so love to smack your man upside his noggin!

[kate]

wow...just read your post...i've never commented before..but like a lot of women here...you've touched such a tender nerve area...i feel for you...i'm sorry you're so unhappy with your body right now...i understand...
i'm a mom of four...and i've always struggled with my weight...on the chubby side...i had three kids in my twenties..than 2 years ago (at 36)another baby, my body has changed shape considerably after the last..things aren't distributed the same..i have soft areas in areas that were never that soft...and my god i breastfeed...i don't even want to think about my breasts...
and i completely understand the clothes dilemna...i spend so little time on myself because i hate what i see...and i hate buying clothes..and i end up looking frumpy...and dumpy...and that dreaded mom in trackpants (nary a piece of excercise equipment in sight!)..is what i have become...
a single friend of mine came over yesterday to help me color my hair...(she mentioned that i had about 5 inches of my natural hair color showing through my previous hair coloring experience)...i couldn't believe it...i never noticied...(i spend so little time actually looking at myself i didn't know it was that bad)...she talked about creating some "me" time...and soaking in the bathtub...i couldn't tell size 2 friend that i can't take baths because that would mean having my naked body exposed for a prolonged period of time and i HATE seeing it...the quicker i am in clothes the better..
i investigated two gyms last week...and am considering joining one...i hate excercise too...and the gyms are expensive..and we don't have much extra money but i'm trying to come up with a plan to get out of this emotiional/hateful body image rut...
i am thankful(although that should could be a whole other issue..why should i be thankful?)...that my partner doesn't have a problem with my weight...he is loving...and gentle...and listens...
but man...it would be nice to not spend all this emotional energy...on all this external/internal crap...
i bought some new yoga pants on ebay the other day (ebay clothes shopping is my friend, no mirrors)...with the thought of joining the gym...
we'll see...
when i read what other women wrote about trying to be kind to yourself...i agree...its so hard to be kind to yourself when you are fighting with your own body..but melissa try....i'm going to as well...
i appreciate your honesty...your humor...and all that stuff about 'you are not your dress size' really is true...but it is so hard to internalize it, isn't it?..
thanks,
kate

[kelly]

Melissa, no words, just a sort of hug and well wishes as you keep looking at this stuff inside of you. Keep looking in, the only real answers live there.

[Sage Tyrtle]

Tell Logan you'd be happy to lose the weight as soon as he turns back into the kind person he was when you were a size four.

I mean, JESUS.

[Amy]

First, let me just say how amazing you are to put this stuff out there, i kept reading thinking "wow, she said that out loud!" It is incredibly brave.

I guess the advice I'd like to leave with you with is to go talk to a doctor - i suffer with doubts of depression as do many women especially moms and reading your post sounds exactly how I feel when I'm overwhelmed by life and can't see the joy anymore.

There is nothing wrong with getting help, and I certainly will also offer hugs and kindness. But that's not going to cut it. I really think you need to talk through some of this stuff with a professional. Fighting depression on your own without help is the worst thing in the world to do, and whenever I hear a person describe the feeling of wanting to stop trying, a women who can conquer piles of laundry with a single bound who is capable of so much sound so helpless, the bells sound for me - ding-a-ding-a-ding.

You are in my thoughts

[Lisa V]

Melissa, I have struggled with weight most of my life. My whole family always thought it was okay to comment on the extra 20lbs I carried. I ate 300 calories a day and lost 40 lbs. I was a miserable bitch who obsessed over whether I could really afford the calories in that second orange. All my family constantly praised me. Of course I gained it back and more. I actually yelled at my grandmother one day when she commented that I was gaining weight. I finally told anyone who said anything that with everything else wonderful about me (I'm a good mother, wife, friend, niece, grand daughter,volunteer- I'm funny, I'm smart, I work hard, I'm loving) that I was tired of being judged only on whether or not I had a big ass. They shut up and never said another word. I had 10 years of staying roughly the same weight (about 35 lbs above what those damn insurance charts say)I took comfort I was not gaining. I had clothes because I wasn't constantly buying for the size I hoped to be, but was buying for the size I was. I really mentally got over it. Then I lost 50lbs because I got braces and my sister became a raging alcoholic. I just couldn't eat. Again I was the darling of not only my family, but everyone had to tell me how great I looked. I would actually stop people from complimenting me. It was stupid for others to be that wrapped up in MY appearance. Plus I thought it was bad for all of my daughters to hear everyone exclaim how thin was good. I have gained 25 lbs of that back. But my stomach is not in knots and I am able to actually eat. Fuck anyone who liked me better in emotional distress and thin. Would I like to be thinner again, yes ? Do I hate buying pants? Yes. Do I still look at other women at parties and think how much thinner they are? Sometimes. Other times I just enjoy my margarita and get engaged in conversations and laugh. There are worse things than being fat. However its really hard to remember that when everyone around you, media, family, friends, clothes, seems to tell you other wise. My husband has never said a word about my weight, mostly because he knows there would be a rage that he would not want to deal with. Oh yeah and he is carrying a Tony Soprano gut.

This long, long comment is to say as Bill Clinton did "I feel your pain." Melissa, my only hope for you is that you feel peace about your body at some point, whether you are a 2 or a 12. You are funny, a great mom, a great writer, and all sorts of other things that we on the internet have little idea about.

[Laura]

I adore you Melissa, but right now I am all kinds of pissed off at Logan. I don't live in your house and am not in your relationship so of course my feelings really don't matter much. But I guess I assumed when two people are married it is for better or worse, not for only as long as you can fit into a size 4. It would be one thing if you were morbidly obese and your health was in jeopardy- then he could bitch and moan. Sounds like his work with models is skewing his image of what a healthy woman looks like. Especially one that has had two children- we can't all be Heidi-freaking-Klumb.

What the hell is the deal with body image and men? My father is obsessed with fat people- he talks about them all the time and just belittles them. I grew up hearing that and it just pushed me to eat more. Finally I had enough and point blank asked my dad if he hated me because I was overweight? He looked stunned that I would even think that, and then he realized that is what he had been telling me for years. Fat=Less Worthy. What a mind fuck. Thank GOD I married a man who doesn't buy into that shit and thinks I am beautiful no matter what.

I just wish I could give you a hug and tell you that things will be okay. I too have parts that hang or touch and I too don't feel very comfortable in my skin. I think the only thing that keeps me in a positive frame of mind is that I don't want to pass this self-loathing onto my son (and especially any daughters I might have in the future). I exercise and eat right because I want to show him that taking care of yourself is so important. Of course I am still 50 pounds overweight even though I have been on Weight Watchers for 9 months and exercise my ass off 3-4 times a week. The weight is coming off so slowly that sometimes you just think what the hell is the point?

Please take care of yourself. Talk to someone. I read what you write and I just hurt for you because I know what you are going through. I want you to be happy with yourself. I want your children to see that whether their mom is a size 4 or size 12 she is a happy, healthy person. If someone was talking the shit about Madison or Max that you are talking about yourself wouldn't you kick their asses? Of course I don't have a magic wand to make this positive body image thing happen, but I can encourage you.

Hang in there sweetie. You are the best.

[terri c]

Dear Melissa, I have to chime in and say I too wonder if you could be experiencing some clinical depression. I say this because your inner judging voice seems so good at finding *something* to judge--be it money or weight or any other thing--that I wonder if that voice, rather than the weight, might be the core issue. Your post is exquisitely written as always and incredibly powerful. Please add me to the list of people who are wishing you well... You rock! I'm sorry things are so painful now. It sucks.

[karen]

Melissa,

Your post made me tear up this morning. I have some of the same issues. I just had my second child 5 months ago. With my first I dropped the weight and was back to my pre-pregnancy self within 2 weeks. With my second I have gained more since I had him.It seems my body has turned against me.

So what am I doing about it? I'm sitting here on my mom ass eating McDonald's for breakfast.

Thank you for being so open and honest in your posts. Hopefully it helps you, it definitely helps alot of your readers.

[Emily G.]

Your post makes me want to come visit you, and I don't even know you. I do know, however, that you are an incredibly witty, interesting person because I can connect instantly with you from these posts. I've never met you, but I wish you were my friend. It would be great to sit down to coffee with you every day. I don't have answers about this body stuff. I wish I understood my own relationship with my body, but I really don't and I have zero useful advice on the topic. Please try to take to heart all the loving comments you've received: you deserve them.

[sweetney]

when i read this post on my feed reader thingy i thought: shit, she's gonna get a lot of responses! its like i'm psychic or something!

let me tell you, like everyone else, that i'm with you on this. i look at pictures of myself from just five years ago -- when i thought i was "fat" but in reality was normal to skinny -- and want to weep. the things is: i've lost lots of weight before. when i was in high school i was ginormous and lost like 80 pounds, no shit. so its not like i can't do it, or don't know how. and its only 15 pounds, but that 15 pounds is a fucking albatross i can't seem to get rid of. i've been dieting for the past month, with minor results. basically i need to get my ass up and exercise, but who has time to take care of oneself? yes, i too have become that mother -- the one in the shapeless, baggy clothes who doesn't attend to her personal appearance. i can't even remember the last time i wore makeup. i hate my guts.

okay, not really, but i *am* doing this to myself, which is the most depressing part of all of this. anyway, if you want a support system to aid in kicking your ass into gear i'm here for you (so long as you agree to kick my ass back).

anyway, love to you, lady.

[amber]

Gah, most days I can deceive myself and not let my weight get to me. I'm heavier now than I was when I was pregnant, though, and I've never been very good about keeping up the deception to myself. I keep telling myself that I'm going to get up early and do something, anything, because I'm having a hard time even keeping up with my little girl... but, I still don't.

[Bre]

First and foremost I am so very impressed that you have the confidence to really be brutally honest about an issue that so many of us are so tender about. I myself go back and forth between hating my body and telling myself to love my body. I've been a size 18 for a while now, all through college and in the years after, that's just what size my body was. I know I should love the curves of it, and the fact that I've never really been called fat or not been able to do anything because of my weight. Anyway. I had a breast reduction when I was 20, it shot me from a size 18 to a 12/14 up top - really a delight to me - I told myself I'd get on track and bring the rest of my body down, that I'd slim down, go running, all sorts of things.

I didn't.

I hate the way that my body is now. Not because I don't think it's beautiful, but because I know that it could be better if I put in the effort.

Hearing you (a skinny minny, I might add) be so honest about it really helps in the fact that I don't feel so ... alone about it. They tell you that every other woman out there struggles with weight... but at times it is hard to believe!

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, to let you know that you aren't the only one with issues on the topic, and to share a bit of my story...

best of luck!
bre

[kelly]

jesus mary and joseph....why do we do this
to ourselves. if you want a weightloss buddy
email me. i am at the same spot. my husband is a skinny ass runner. he loves it.
i am 5'4 and 145 and gaining. i know what you mean about your husband, i get the same thing. i am self loathing as well, all our
couple friends are younger than me and the wives are size 0- size 2. [my bad...i married a younger man. at the time i was
20lbs liter. so needless to say, i hate myself at the flippin moment. you are not alone, so like i said, you want a buddy
then let me know. i am starting this week.
god know the 4 margarittas i drank last nite
didn't help! ohhhh but they were tasty

[Dreadmouse]

Ouch. Why are we all so good at being mean to ourselves?

If I can offer some assvice of my own? Being a lad, I've been fortunate enough to not have to deal with a lot of the body-image crap that ladies have to. Nevertheless, I have struggled with my weight at times.

I tried the gym and I tried running but I couldn't get any real success. Even if I did lose a few pounds I didn't feel any better about myself. The problem, I think, is that I HATED those things. Running hurts, and the gym bores me senseless. I felt like I was punishing myself for being me.

Last year, after a decade of searching, I finally found a physical activity that I enjoyed. As a result, I attended consistently and put my heart into it, and I finally got results.

I really believe that whatever you do, you have to enjoy it. Life is too damned short to spend your exercise time hating every second of it, especially when you have kids and free time is like gold. For me, that activity was karate. For you it would doubtless be something completely different. It's just so much easier when it's enjoyable!

[karyn]

Wow, Donna of MA,

I really think you should leave now. You are just not being nice.

If you are joking, it's not funny. Maybe you should go back to your SIMS family.

[tracy]

<< Logan has said he takes that as an insult in a way. That having a healthy and sexy body isn't worth it to me anymore. Why wouldn't I want to be the best I could be? Why don't I want to bring my best self to our relationship? >>

I think the fact that he is making this All About Me says a lot about Logan. Why does he have to take it as a personal insult? How conceited do you have to be to look at someone who is clearly not happy with her own situation and say "How can you do this to MEEEEEEEE?" If you were cutting yourself would he also be insulted that you would do such a thing to this body that was supposed to be maintained in showroom condition because it makes him happy? Does your depression (or if it's not actual depression, your distress) make him equally unhappy? Or is your mind not part of the "best self" he expects from this relationship?

Also, does it make you feel better to know that lots of us look at size 12 ladies and say "See! She's a little soft and she looks great. Why can't I get to that size?" Probably not.

[Sarah]

No kids, never been in good shape, and I am you. In fact, as much as I empathized with you while reading this, and hurt for you, a little voice in the back of my mind was up to the same-ole and I was thinking, "Hmm...I wonder how tall she is?"

I can't remember the last time I was in public and didn't at least once, play the "Is she bigger than me?" game with whoever I was with. Sometimes I pick a girl who is clearly, obviously bigger than me, and give my husband crap when he doesn't make a big enough deal about saying, "Of course she is bigger than you!"

I actually consider myself lucky to be married to a man who comes from a country of Europe where the weather is always warm and the kinds of precription diet pills that have long since been banned by the FDA in the United States are still 100% legal and under $75 for a three month supply.

No clue what I'm taking, and they are far too effective to be safe, but I'd rather just take them and get it over with than have to feel the way I normally do about my body (which is the way that you feel about yours). I am a size 4 in the winter and spring (we go to Portugal at Christmas) and a size 10 in the summer and fall (when I run out and start gaining it all back).

I get calls before Christmas from friends, family, even my grandmother asking if I can bring them some back (sadly, it requires a prescription in Portugal or else I would be a millionaire).

My husband isn't the one who makes comments about my body. In my case, it is my mother...who lives over 500 miles away.

Yeah, this is all ridiculous.

[Jennifer K.]

Melissa,

I've been reading this site for about a year now and I think this is the one entry that has resonated with me so deeply that I'm finding it hard not to crumple into a big wad of used tissue here at the office.

This line especially:

"I try not to look down at myself when I'm sitting. I sit on a chair rather than my bed to write because I hate feeling my skin touching itself in odd places I'm not used to."

How many times have I done this myself? Too many to count. I won't even wear a nightgown anymore because I hate the feeling of my skin touching in odd places. I have to wear PJ's. The sick thing is that I'm actually thinner than I was in college (this is when I gained about 50lbs, I've lost about 30 of it).

I'm absolutely terrifed to get pregnant because I'm afraid I'll have a nervous breakdown from getting that big (and by looking at my mother and aunt, petite pregnancies just aren't in the cards for me.) I know I want to have kids with my DH, but this aspect is just so scary to me.

Hang in there and know that while it really hurts to be in this place, you have loads of company. ((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

[Melissa W]

I don't know what to say but thank you. It is so frustrating to deal with a weight issue when you KNOW it's within your power to control it yet can also see both sides of the issue. I get mad for being overweight and then mad for letting it bother me. It sucks. I hope you find answers...and then share them with the rest of us.

[Kimberly]

Karyn: I was going to post something similar, but then remembered "Don't feed the TROLLS". That's some good assvice.

Ok, now that the seals been broken, I can say what I really wanted to last night. Logan is an ASS. And I don't think you're the only one in your relationship with some body dysmorphia to overcome. 3% body fat?? Runs until he shits himself?? That ain't healthy. And expecting you to be into it too is just stupid. If you hate running (and why wouldn't you? It's a horrible activity that does terrible things to your body) don't. Tell Logan to stick your runners up his teeny little ass. You might also want to ask him what his "support" is telling Madison and Max about their own body images while you're at it. You, I want to hug. But I'd really like to bitchslap Logan with some running shorts.

[emily]

hey there. i'm a lurker. i just wanted to say that while i'm no special fan of the gym, and i have found that if i think about the weight-loss/fitness aspect of it it makes me obsessive and unhappy (it sounds like you know that feeling all too well), if i think about it from the point of view of "this will make me feel better mentally" it gets a lot easier.

i'm sure you know this, but doctors say that 30 mins of exercise 3x/wk is just as effective as talk therapy against depression. getting my sad self to the gym on a regular basis and finding some random activity to help me clear my head has really proven to make me feel better, much more than i expected. if my body gets better, i think that's a nice side effect but it really makes me miserable to think of that as a primary goal. screw anyone who says otherwise.

[WindyLou]

I really wish Logan would chime in on this. My ex-husband made the same kinds of comments to me and over the short period we were together he destroyed my self image. At first I thought he was being helpful or concerned, but over time his words hurt so much I concluded he intended to be hurtful. Do men,especially the ones we love and look up to, understand how we internalize their criticism?

I still have nightmares that I will see my ex-husband and that he will comment on how much weight I have gained since we divorced. I hate that he still has that much power over me! Melissa, I hope you and Logan can figure out a constructive way to get around this together. I think somewhere deep down you know that you are worth more than you are giving yourself credit for right now. I don't know what else to say that isn't just a repeat of everything else here. I feel for you, I really do.

[jill b]

Wow.

I understand how you feel. Obviously, a lot of women do.

I hope you can find it in your heart to stop beating yourself up; just from your [amazing] writing, I know that you are someone most people would want to hang with.

((Take care))

[MelissaS]

I spent last spring and summer, 5 months, trying to exercise to fight off my depression. Unfortunately my kind of depression does not go away without medication and I wasted 5 months of my kids life being a massive depressed bitch.

[Heidi]

Body image is such a tough issue for so many of us. I have struggled with my weight for years.

I am now 30 and through many ups and downs I had managed to finally maintain a good, solid size 4 - until I had my son. Now I am fluctuating again. It is so frustrating. Some days it feels like there is no time for ME...much less time to exercise!

Fortunately, my husband doesn't really notice the weight. I was heavier than I am now when I met him and I am harder on myself than he is, so I am lucky. However, he does notice the depression.

It just sucks. I wonder if anyone is ever happy with their body.

My thoughts are with you.

[Léonie]

Hello Melissa,
I'm a de-lurking lurker..
I don't really have any advice to offer you, but I do feel like the feelings you describe are eerily familiar. I hope you feel better soon, you deserve better than this.

[Becky]

It seems like you've crawled right inside my head and written about the strange things you've seen.

No assvice? I can't solve it in my own life, so I certainly won't try to fix yours.

I wish there was a magical cure for this. It scares this shit out of me that my daughters are watching me struggle with my weight issues.

[marzipan]

For the record, I'm a first-time poster (you are bringing us all out of the woodwork with this post).

It took a lot of courage for you to write this post, and I commend you for it. I sometimes can't even bring myself to write about my body issues in my journal (the pen-and-paper kind), and nobody reads that but me!

But I have written about it in the past, and here's something that I remember once writing: I don't care if my size is technically the average size of American women, I still won't accept it. Even though I'm not alone with my weight struggle, I still suffer alone. I may see women bigger than me out in the street, but I still think I'm the biggest cow out there. (Side note: I have a long time habit of looking around when I'm in a room/meeting/class/etc. to see if I'm the fattest in the group. Sigh.)

Even though you've been getting wonderful and supportive comments from some terrific women, at the end of the day, you're the only one living in your body, for better or worse. I guess my point is this: it's not your body that has to change, it's your attitude (and your husband's). It's all of our attitudes about ourselves. And losing the self-loathing is so much harder than losing the pounds.

I wish I knew the secret - of course I would share it with all women! I've never been happy with my body - not now, not 50 pounds ago. I still have a long way to go in terms of my body image. Don't we all?

Try to find what lifts your spirits, what makes you happy, what makes you feel better. And if it makes you feel better to write about it, by all means, WRITE! You have a sympathetic audience with open ears and open hearts.

[webhill]

Melissa,

I'm so sorry you are feeling bad about your body. I empathize. I graduated from high school a 150 lb, very slightly chubby but still bikini-worthy girl. I immediately put on the freshman 15 and fought it ever since. I got up to 215 the day my first child was born. I didn't even TRY to lose the weight afterwards, knowing I'd have another kid. Thank heavens my husband was, if not actively supportive of my weight issues, not overtly negative either. I have, as an adult, worn anywhere from a size 4 (which is always too short, btw - what, people over 5'9" can't be skinny?) to a size 16 in my nonpregnant state. I am a lifetime member of Weight Watchers (which I recommend, btw, something about the weigh-in is motivating!) but I go in cycles. Lately, I haven't been interested/willing to deal with not eating what I want. Eating, for me, reduces stress (ah, serotonin...) and I need that. I am too lazy to work out, although it was through exercise that I finally lost 50 lbs after my 2nd kid. I was then a "too thin" 135 lbs, and frankly I loved it, which may be sick, but it is what it is. I want to return to that weight, which I loved, but I am not motivated to do what must be done to do it. So I have tons of beautiful clothes that do not fit, and I have to wear my size 10/12 schmatim. I weigh 155 lbs right now and find it gross. I hate my legs rubbing together, I hate my saddlebags, I hate my flabby belly. I need to do exercise and eat less food and I don't want to. Waaah.
We are a sisterhood, you know? I called my friend the other day - a 5'2" size 20 - and she has the exact same feelings about her body that I have about mine, even though the degree of overweight is so different, the underlying issues are exactly the same. My other friend L is a 5'2" size 0 and you know what? She wishes she could get lipo on her thighs and hips. NO ONE IS HAPPY anymore. It's a sick culture we live in.

Sorry for rambling. Good luck. Smack Logan if he's mean, otherwise, try to remember, he probably just wants you to be happy and healthy.

[kmcase]

Melissa:

I have read your blog for some time now and think that you are a brillant writer. This is the first time I have commented though and I am only doing so now because I totally understand what you are going through. My heart goes out to you. I only want to offer one piece of advice: find an exercise/activity that you love doing. Quit trying to force yourself to be a runner, if you're not. For years I tried to run and never ever learned to love it. Moreover, I never was good at it. Finally admitting that that's not what my body needed made all the difference. Try different things: yoga, pilates, dancing. Find something that touches your soul, not just you physically. Then it won't feel like exercise. When I finally let myself off the hook and quit trying to force myself to run, stair climb and do all the things I hated, the weight finally came off, but only when I found something I loved.

You'll get there. You're in my thoughts.....

[Saple]

I lived in the Birmingham Schools Section of Southfield but went to private school all my life because the oldest one experimented to much in public schools and my parents did not want to deal with that anymore. So in a way it was worse I went to Birmingham Catholic Schools.

Now these are different times and different people but I can remember thinking that these people had alot more than I did but I never felt deprived of anything in my family, my other sister might tell a different story and another sister a totally seperate story. Due to the these were the 80's days before cellphones and ps2's and ipods and children having their own credit cards. (I can still remember my friend bringing a note to the Limited with her mom's credit card that gave her permission to charge) but my neice currently goes to the Birmingham Public Schools and the pressure is there but I don;t think it is as crushing as we think it is.

[TC]

You seem to be (from a website lurker) a smart, adorable, funny, wonderful person... an amazing mom and a fantastic wife. I am sorry you are feeling this way right now but I certainly understand. Just know that there are tons of people who are SO JEALOUS of how you look!

[Lisa]

there's nothing like feeling shitty about yourself, to make you feel even more shitty about yourself. Like all the comments above, I too, feel like crap about my 45 year old, two c-sectioned body, but it's mine all mine.

Logan needs to recognize the amazing job (and I do mean job) you're doing raising your kids, taking care of his world around him. So you don't feel like exercising in your "free time". I can't blame you for wanting to have a glass of wine (or whine) instead of exercising. You're exhausted every day just keeping up with the stuff you've gotta do. That doesn't mean you've "let yourself go".

It means that you've got a lot on your plate, physically and emotionally and adding in one more thing would make you implode. He's not perfect either.

I am a mom of 2 (7 1/2 and 4), and work full time. I get up before dawn to get into work, have tried to go to the gym at lunch, but sometimes I just can't muster up the giveashit to get there.

There's no cure to self loathing, but just some time to get over the emotional hump that you're facing right now. You're doing a great job. Believe it. It's true.

[Angsty Jen]

I'm another daily lurker who seldom comments, but I feel like we might actually be the same person right now, so I had to chime in today.

I've gained 30 pounds in the last five months, in part because an antidepressant I began taking screwed with my metabolism. In this time period, my normally sweet husband has complained about my weight and TWO women at church have assumed I am pregnant because of the rapid weight gain (I'm not). As you might imagine, all of these insults are not doing wonders for my depression.

I also struggled with an eating disorder when I was younger and have always wanted to be thinner, no matter how thin I was. But now that I'm a sausage-thighed, roly-poly, squishy Twinkie of a person, I can't even deal with how much time and effort it will take to get me to a size I can remotely accept. I am dieting and exercising, but I feel like a very fat yeti at the bottom of a very tall hill, with a very lazy donkey.

So, I just wanted to say that I completely understand how you feel, and I'm SO sorry you're going through this struggle. For what it's worth, I think you're beautiful, inside and out. Reading your blog is a blessing to me and so many other people. Thank you for your honesty and your humor. We're in this together, sister!

[madge]

A little AA speak might help here:

"Don't go to the hardware store for orange juice."

Which is to say, don't expect Logan to understand and/or sympathize. He can't. Few men do. I don't mean to defend him necessarily. But, you know that this is an internal issue. You also know you will get to a point of action and happiness. It's just a matter of time. He should probably just zip it until you get there.

Another little tip from the 12-steppers: Do take it one day at a time. You CANNOT lose enough weight to make you feel better in ONE DAY. But, you can do one or two things, make one or two better choices for yourself. Eventually, they WILL add up.

Hang in there. Sorry for the assvice. I don't know who the hell I think I am for handing THAT out. I can't barely follow it myself.

[Violet]

Melissa,

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. Without actually knowing you, I still think you're amazing and wonderful, no matter what size you are. I hope this doesn't come across as me talking right out of my ass, but it seems like you tackled your money issues when they seemed overwhelming and unconquerable (is that even a word?) and I know you can face whatever challenges come your way, whether its the challenge of losing weight or the challenge of being ok with yourself, or whatever your challenges might be. I don't want this to sound like advice. I just don't know how else to tell you that I support you and I wish you all the best.

[Amanda]

You're a size 12 and think your fat!? I am a size 15 and would probably give a couple of my toes to be a size 12.

[Jackie Joy]

Oh, dear. I love this blog so much; it's like you're my funny girlfriend who always has something to say.

I feel this post so deeply, they're the same things I say to myself (except, you know, with higher size numbers) and I just want to echo everyone else's sentiments, and tell you that your worth has nothing to do with the tag on the inside of your jeans, and everything to do with the witty, funny, loving person you are.

[tracy]

Okay, so Logan recognizes he has a problem. I'm relieved to see that. I still think that the next time he says he wishes you were a size 4, you should say "And I wish you made enough money so we could move to 638 South Alexander." Because, honestly, why doesn't he want to be the best he could be?

[justin]

Melissa - I read, never post. I just want to say you are a very brave woman. To put all your emptions and insecurities out here for anyone to read is an amazing show of strength.

I could almost recite what you wrote from my own mind. I feel the exact same way and at 37, with two kids, it's hectic. I do wish I was like I used to be physically. I would even settle for close to my old figure at this point.

I am not going to pick on Logan - if he is anything like my husband, he has some trouble saying what he really feels and sometimes it comes out much harsher than he meant. He loves you. You love him. Men don't get us and never will.

We can all tell you what a wonderfully beautiful woman you are, but until you feel it yourself and are content with who and what you are, it will never mean a thing.

You will get there - you need to do it for yourself and compromise. You may never be able to be the size you were before kids - but make yourself happy.

[Elizabeth]

Wow, now I know why Amy (www.amalah.com) had to shut down her comments and stop posting last week. You try to use your personal web journal to unload your thoughts and make some sense of them, and this is what happens!

I only wanted to comment on the preschool situation. My kids also went to a church preschool and 28 does seem like a lot of kids, although you don't say how big the classroom is or how many teachers there are.

[Kristi]

I *so* know how you feel, Melissa. Every day is a struggle w/weight the older we get. I've participated in women's dance circles where the idea is to "love your body however it is." One of the most beautiful women there was "huge" by our cultural standards. I believe this in theory but in reality, I just want to feel better in my own skin. I'm currently working on dropping some weight - and it's hard! If the food/water intake and exercise aren't in just the right balance, it's almost impossible. Anyway, others here have passed along great words...just know that I'm thinking of you and hope that you'll allow the words and support of everyone here sink in and lift you up.

[MelissaS]

Elizabeth, this is my daughter's public school second grade, not Max's private preschool (16 kids I think). 28 kids with a parapro for a mainstreaming blind little girl.

[amy]

Hey Melissa--I haven't had a chance to read through the comments, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating things. I just wanted to say that my husband says similar things to me. It's infuriating, but also--like Logan, my husband is very loving and a wonderful man most of the time--so I understand. Logan is not an asshole like these comments make him seem. Logan is just being an asshole regarding your weight because he has his own issues with it, just like you said. My husband's father is the same way, and his grandmother, at 85 lbs, has serious weight issues, so it's definitely a family problem. All this to say--if you think you have difficulty seeing yourself as you truly are, so does Logan, and that is not a problem you can take on. You have to work on you. Logan is an easy target right now--he *is* being insensitive--but that is not the problem here, and focusing on that is just another excuse not to deal with the real problem--how you feel about yourself.
Unfortunately I don't have any advice on how to fix that, but hopefully the other commenters have!
Good luck. We all support you.

[Romani Heart]

I seldom leave comments where there are so many already, but I feel I should in this case. I think my right leg might be a size 8. I weigh over 300 pounds and I swear I think you have more self esteem issues than I do. I don't want to give any unsolicited advice, so just think of me and know it could be worse? You gotta love yourself. I'll keep my pie hole shut about your hubby.

[MelissaS]

Romani, if there's one thing I can't stand it's the "It Could Always Be Worse" mindset. Yes it could but I don't live my life trying to be better than other people.

This feels bad for me. And yes, thank you for pointing out the obvious. I have self esteem issues? Really? Did you pick that up in the post above where I OUTLINED THEM IN PAINFUL DETAIL?

AHHHHHH

[Jenny]

No advice, just (awkward) hugs.

[Chris]

I just ordered two pair of size 8 pants. It pained me to do so because it meant that I now have four pair of size 8 pants so I must be a size 8. Bt the reality is, the baby is 18 months old and I'm just not going to get back into a size 4. Still being a size 4 at 42 after one kid was the end of my run of genetic good luck. The baby was his own piece of genetic good luck and I guess this is who I am now.

I actually put the old jeans into the Goodwill pile. I'm not putting them back into tubs in the basement because I'm nto willing to do the work to fight my way back into them. I'll just do the work to like myself as I am.