Two plus two is four. Four plus four is eight. Eight plus eight is death.

I have some really big issues to work through lately. I've been thinking a lot about why the restrictions on my own photos sends me careening with anger and a suffocating and often out of proportion need to protect my right to do as I please.

I'm also debating pulling Madison out of her school because I'm not sure it's the best place for her but rather the closest place. There are 28 students in her class right now and even though that sounds like a lot, to actually be in the classroom it's just overwhelming. Madison is much like me in that she is easily overstimulated. I was in the class for less than 10 minutes and felt stressed with the talking 28 children can do. The issue of taking her to a school in a more affluent neighborhood (we have schools of choice around us) brings out several other issues of money and class and the insecurities which come from growing up poor surrounded by awe inspiring privilege in Birmingham.

I've talked before about my weight issues. I feel so tired of thinking about it and I try to tell myself that everytime I sink this low into a self loathing place about my body I pull myself out and get to an okay place. I've done it before, and I know I'll do it again. I keep ballooning higher and higher each time I let myself off the exercise wagon though. I don't want to do this anymore and I really don't want to care anymore.

I've never been happy with my body. When I was a size 4, I wanted to be a 2. When I was a size 8, I wanted to be a 6 and so on meaning I've never ever been happy where I am. I've always realized after the fact, that a size 8 was actually a good weight to be. Why was I hurting myself? Why couldn't I ever be happy? Why is it I can look at the women in my life and not even register their body size as anything more than a passing glance. But for me, my body size is who I am. I really don't have any answer to those questions. Other than it's how I've always felt about my body and sometimes that is so incredibly depressing.

My husband, who is wonderfully loving in so many ways, has not been exactly supportive of me and the changes my body has faced in the last 12 years since we met, married and had two children. He thought I was "letting myself go" when I was a size 8, rather than the size 4 or 6 I was at twenty. When that happened there were other problems in our marriage and I've mentioned them in vague terms before because although I tend to believe talking about things gives away their power, Logan does not believe that same thing. So it's not just my story to tell.

But when he told me I was letting myself go because I wore a size 8, it stung so much I thought I might collapse with the weight of it. It made me so angry I knew I was deliberately not watching what I ate and not working out as a giant fuck you. But then a year or so later I got uncomfortable in my own skin and had gained 10-15 pounds more than I was comfortable with.

What I've realized this last week is that I am not uncomfortable in my body because Logan says asshat things like, "Oh honey, you're not ugly." Leaving out the 'fat' part of my heartache. I'm simply uncomfortable in my skin when I am this weight. There is nothing Logan could say to change that, my body is making me unhappy and I don't know how to gain control again. He can't make me feel better about being fat, he could however, not make me feel worse. He could do that by loving me no matter what my size. By truly not caring if I have 20 extra pounds on me. It seems, he's not able to do that. And I am not able to respect his spending four hours on a Saturday running until his toenails fall off. Maybe we're even. I don't know.

He offered to be my 'coach' in my weight loss effort and I nearly shot him in the face. There could be nothing worse than him having an excuse to tell me what to do and what not to do to regain control over this body I can't seem to live with.

I find myself recently facing a kind of body dysmorphic issue I had in high school when I believed, in spite of what the scale said, I was fat. So I ate sticks of chewing gum all day and brussle sprouts with Molly Mc Butter on them for an after school snack.

I truly don't know what I look like. I live in Michigan where a lot of people are overweight, so when we're out I try to compare myself to other overweight people. To see where I fit, what I look like from the outside because I feel absolutely mammoth and disgusting on the inside. I meet someone, usually another mother, and I think 'She has a couple extra pounds on her and she look absolutely fine. I wonder what size she wears.' I want to grab her pants and peek at the tag, just so I have a reference point. I stand in line at Old Navy, buying the next bigger size in jeans, because the jeans which fit me in June when I put them away for the season, no longer fit. I try to spy the sizes the people around me are buying....so I'll know if I look like her or maybe her.

I find myself not wanting to get dressed in the morning because when you've gained weight you lose a lot of clothes and you don't want to see how horrible you look in things. I find myself avoiding actually moving because I hate to feel my body around me. I try not to look down at myself when I'm sitting. I sit on a chair rather than my bed to write because I hate feeling my skin touching itself in odd places I'm not used to.

I don't know how to dress this body I have now. I'm stuffing myself into clothes which used to fit just right and now only accentuate how fat I am. I'm sitting at the library across from a very skinny woman and I'm thinking about how fat I am.

I used to think about money all the time. I still think about money a lot. I go to playgroup with my girlfriends and I talk about money and then I talk about weight and how I don't want to exercise and I want to drink and I want to eat what I want. I'm becoming exceedingly tiresome, even for myself.

A friend said to me that she just never wants to be 'that mom'. The mom who is overweight but even worse doesn't care for herself. She wears unflattering jeans which accentuate her mom shaped ass and she wears kitty sweatshirts from 20 years ago because, why bother buying nice things for herself?

When she said that I flashed to the pair of pants I bought last month to fit around my expanding body. I cried when I bought them and I cry every morning when I put them on because they give me Mom Ass and there's no way around it: I have Mom Ass and I don't seem willing to do what it takes to not have Mom Ass.

That's the self loathing I suppose. I know what I need to do and I just can not seem to control myself. Maybe that's the problem.....

When I was young I struggled with eating disorders. I felt hunger as power and thinness as beauty. I didn't feel beautiful and I felt powerless. So food, and denying myself, became both those things I needed. I fear, now that I'm huger than I ever believed possible, that I am never going to be able to get control of myself again.

I tried to run. I ran a 5K and I felt powerful for struggling through and making it happen. But I never enjoyed running. I enjoyed punishing myself for being so weak. For being so fat. I ran because I didn't want to change much of the way I ate or drank and I didn't want to do a lot of exercising. 30 minutes, three times a week was the only goal that seemed palatable to me. It still does. Unfortunately, I eat and drink too much to get weight loss results from walking three times a week for thirty minutes.

At some point it just stopped being worth it to run until I spent the rest of the day with intestinal unrest. Maybe I started to like my body after I lost 15 pounds and I didn't hate myself so much that I had to hurt myself 3 times a week running. I stopped punishing myself.

Logan has said he takes that as an insult in a way. That having a healthy and sexy body isn't worth it to me anymore. Why wouldn't I want to be the best I could be? Why don't I want to bring my best self to our relationship?

Why don't I? I guess because I don't think it should matter all that much. I know we live in a world where beauty and body image go together. But I'm still the person he loves, the person who emotionally grows and changes over the years and who grows with him. Why does it matter to him if I'm a size 6 or a size 12?

Unfortunately it's still not as simple as that because he is not the only reason I am upset with myself. I'm upset at myself for letting things plummet this low and whining about it incessantly but never being able to get control over myself. Why the hell does it matter to me if I'm a size 6 or a 12? Why does it matter this much that I end up hating myself so deeply?

I hate writing with questions because it opens me to advice I don't want. It opens me to often painful judgement.

And here's another secret: Sometimes I think I lay my soul out here because the nasty things people say to me ease the nasty voices in my own head. If other people are cruel to me I can ease up on myself.

I don't know how true this is, it's just a theory I'm playing with right now.

[**Update: It's important to note that Logan has apologized to me and understands that his feelings about my weight are more his issues than mine. I wrote about them because it still hurts and isn't helpful, but it's not entirely fair for me to continue to pummel him with his mistake.]

Comments

[Laurie from Maryland]

Hi Melissa. Long-time reader/occasional commentor here. I do not think Logan deserves the bashing he has gotten in the comments. He sounds a lot like my husband (a fellow runner), and he is probably very "solutions-based". He is trying to help you find a solution to your problem. My husband has offered in the past to be my coach as well. It never works, but I appreciate his effort.

You remind me a lot of myself. I obsess about $$ (and lack thereof), I am heavier than I want to be, and I take Lexapro daily! I have been having weight issues since I was pregnant with my daughter 7 years ago. I am currently attending WW meetings, and I work out at the gym as often as I can. The bottom line for me is that it is not healthy for me to be at the weight I am (136 lbs and 5 feet tall), and I don't like the way I look. I am trying to take small steps to make myself feel better. I eat healthier, exercise, and I try not to eat when I am bored or stressed. I try to be kind to myself also, and if I fall off the wagon, I try to avoid the downward spiral.

Good luck, and I hope you pull yourself out of your current funk. They are not fun -- believe me, I know!

[Mary]

I wish you knew how lovely you are.

Like everybody else I really related to this post, so much so it made me sniffle. It's weird how many parts of my life I can't control (like people telling you what to do with your pictures, grrr) and then there's my own body, and if I can't even control that, what's left of the person I used to be before I got married, had kids, got older and softer and less in charge of my life?

God knows you don't need any more advice but I do find it helps me if I try to let go of the control issue when it comes to eating and exercise. I'm a hedonist at heart and I have to stay far away from *punishing* my body or else I end up acting like my own inner teenager and rebelling against all the punishment. I can go to yoga or pilates or ride my bike because those are things that make me feel good in a non-virtuous, purely physical way: I have more energy, my cheeks have color, I sleep sounder and my muscles feel good. As far as eating, I don't deprive myself of delicious things and instead just try to eat as much healthy green stuff as I can. That means that I seem to carry around an extra 10 pounds but I still drink all the wine I want and I can live with that trade. Most days.

I hope you can find some compassion for yourself. It sounds like such a cliche but please try to treat yourself with as much understanding as you would a dear, beloved friend. The Internets hearts you.

[l]

It's very easy for him to say "You need to do X." But he needs to understand that it's not that simple when you have children. Having children means that you spend all day, every day, doing things for other people. And by asking you to exercise for him, instead of being a partner, Logan is being another person you do things for rather than being the person who should be giving you time to do things for yourself.

He ought to be giving you at least 4 hours every Saturday to do what you want to do (not necessarily exercise because that's what *he* wants you to do). During your time, he needs to take the kids and run errands for the family.

This summer, my three-year-old started Mother's Day Out twice a week. And it's made me much less stressed. Now she's in preschool three days a week and I am more relaxed than I've been in two years! And my husband is the most helpful man on the planet. Nevertheless, now I have the time to not rush around to get all of the errands done, etc. My house is cleaner, I cook more, and I exercise more because it's no longer one more onerous task but, rather, something I have time to do that isn't taking time away from all the other things I need to do.

[Kerry]

Wow. I could have written this entry. Really. I hope you don't mind, but I'm printing it out to put on my mirror to remind me a) that I'm not alone and b) to stop making my excuses.....

[Cheryl]

Long time reader...

I have skimmed over the responses and the bottom line is women have to love themselves enough to be happy with themselves. Yes, Logan seems to be unsupportive and completely insensitive and I hope that he either reads this and realizes he is part of the problem and should be part of the solution.

Good luck...in whatever you find that works for you.

Cheryl

[Kismet]

I see that this post doesn't need one more comment, but I just wanted to throw my support your way. I am sorry you're feeling so lousy and I hope it gets worked out soon.
And just by the way? You are beautiful :)

~K!

[AndreaM]

I love you Melissa.

[Romani Heart]

Oh wow, I appologize. I'll keep my pie hole shut about everything then. Sorry.

[dea]

same as everyone else. I read your blog all the time and this post has compelled me to come out of the woodwork!
I can't say anything that hasn't ben said, but as the(size 10, stillf fighting with depression)wife of a personal trainer I can say I know exactly how you feel and exactly how Logan feels and I know how frustrating and stresful this is...
good luck. Don't forget to tell yourself one thing everyday that you love about yourself. It's the hardest thing in the world to do...but 3 weeks makes a habit.

[Jennifer]

I'm terrible with advice. Just wanted to say I've felt the way you've been feeling for a while now. Pregnancy is allowing me to be a fat ass right now, but I was fat before. I'd like to comment that I've never considered you fat, not even chubby, and would love to have your figure. I hope that you're able to feel better about yourself in time. Although I was angry with Logan's comments, I'm glad that he's understanding of what his words are doing to you. Thanks for your honesty. I don't know if I'd ever be brave enough to lay it all out as you have.

[angie]

Melissa...I am going through that stuff too and I feel your pain. I don't know if it helps to know you aren't alone...but there are lots of us out there.

So glad Logan has apologized, but I know the pain doesn't magically go away.

I have no advice or sage words that will magically make it all better - I wish I did! - just know that there are lots of us out here in InternetLand thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs and shoulders for which to cry upon.

Lots of love to you...

angie : )

[Rose]

It seems to me that Romani Heart was just trying to offer some comfort - like everyone else who has commented. I don't think you took her comments in the spirit they were intended.

[MelissaS]

Yes I'm sure she was. I hate when someone tells me though that I need to be happy I don't have it 'as bad' because I know I'm not as fat as possible. I'm not happy where *I* am. Also when someone states the obvious, "I swear I think you have more self esteem issues than I do."

Oh okay???

Sometimes we say things and they come across not as we mean them and sometimes it frustrates the recipient of the comment. It's the risk of communication I suppose.

[Nicole A.]

When my husband and I started dating, I was sixteen years old. I probably weighed between 100-110 pounds and was a size 2-4. I'm now 26 and probably weigh about 150 (give or take, depending on the day) and fit into a size 12 pant. I have a big Greek butt and I can sympathize with your issues.

Sometimes when people discuss your weight issues it's because (a) they have the same issues, deep down or (b) they're genuinely concerned about your health but don't know how to express things in another way. My parents have said some things about my weight and I know that it's because they don't want me having a bit more excess weight than is healthy, like them. And I've caught myself saying things to my husband about his weight because I want him to be healthy for a long time -- not because I find him less attractive (even though it kind of comes out like that).

[Amy E.]

I am not a regular reader but saw a reference to this post somewhere else. I could have written every one of those words about my own body image.

i have no advice to give just wanted you to know you are NOT alone. I have started to see a therapist about some of my food and body issues. I can't say it has helped a tremendous amount so far but I at least feel like I am starting to deal with it. This is a very brave post and I hope you are able to start feeling better about yourself soon.

[paul]

It's been my experience that very often the issues we struggle with aren't actually the problem. Rather, they are the symptoms. Personally, I was completely unable to deal effectively with seemingly compulsive behaviors (or the self-loathing they triggered) until I truly understood what motivated them to begin with. If this seems to make sense and you'd like to know more, please feel free to email me. I'd be happy to point you in the direction of some helpful resources.

[JustLinda]

Melissa, just wanted to come back to this:

[[Yes Linda but I think her point was: if we give everything to our kids and spouses, what happens to us. We have to love ourselves and not wearing nice clothes and letting Mom Ass take over leaves us depleted. Especially over time and one day our kids will strike out on their own and there we'll be with our Mom Ass. Then what?

Her point was she wants to care about herself and her family. She's twice the mother to one third extra kids than I have. I know what she's saying. I agree and that's why Mom Ass is hurting me so much right now.]]

Sorry if I stated my piece wrong... I wasn't even trying to give any advice. I was just saying, I guess, that sometimes we're in survival mode. I work full time and I definitely don't give 'everything' to my spouse and kids. I just do my best, that's all. It's all I'm capable of doing. And I have to forgive myself for having mom-ass. And I need my husband and kids to as well.

I'm sorry mom-ass is hurting you. I suppose our options are to figure out how to conquer it or make friends with it. I'm afraid that for the time being, I've made friends with it, but I plan to conquer it after I get out of "survival mode".

I hope you find some peace of mind on this topic. It's one that affects so many of us....

[Sami]

Did you just invade my mind and then write this? This is exactly how I feel, down to the letter of the significant other making pseudo-insensitive comments about taking care of myself and bringing my best Me to our relationship and so on. Only his comment was that my weight was becoming a problem for him in the bedroom. Not exactly the self-esteem boost I needed to hear to help me really want to make myself more desirable to him. (he too apologized)

I can't even say all of the things in this that I feel like you've spoken from my own experiences because there are so many. I've thought all of this, am thinking it right now even before I came to your page today. Two kids, size 2, then 4, then 6, then 8 and more -- what is the magic number? And why could I never be happy and accepting of myself when I was those sizes that I fear I will never see again? Why did I think I was so fat? Why did I only feel "in control" of my body when I didn't even allow myself that stick of gum and I let my boyfriend (who would become husband) be my "personal trainer" who prescribed lunches spent going up and down the high school stairs instead of eating with my friends?

How do we fix this? How do I face my closet every day? I hate my body so much and yet I don't want to do anything to make it better. I don't know where to start. I don't really want to start. I fear I've given up.

[Linda]

Love you and your website. I ordered a tank top from the RoyalRobins website and it was too small. Just made my day. I have refused to send it back but after reading all the comments--maybe sending it back is not a bad thing. It does taunt me from across the room. That can't be good form.

Hang in there; you have lots of support here on the web.

[anne]

hey -- i know this is *far* from being the point of your entry, but: i was browsing your photo albums, & you look great to me (y're the blonde in the red dress, in one album, right?).

again, i know this piece was about *your* perceptions, not mine, but i still thought you might want to know. (apologies if this has all been said before, too -- didn't have time to read thru the previous 100+ comments).

--anne

[Justin]

I know it hurts, and you described it beautifuly, but try to remember you won't always feel this way. You probably haven't always felt this way either, and sometimes that's important to remember too. The worst of feeling really bad is when I think that it's going to last forever. It won't. Hugs.

[Lynda]

Melissa, I can relate completely. Let me first state that I am a size 12, too. I go through yo-yo phases of exercising more (and if it makes you feel better, I'll tell you that a VERY GOOD week is making it happen three times that week. A bad week is NONE. Bad weeks outnumber good weeks by a wide margin.)

Here's the tough thing, though--even though I struggle with some weight issues, I'm not nearly as tolerant as I should be of my husband's similar struggle. I don't tell him how badly I feel about the 30-40 pounds he's put on since we got married, but I get annoyed by it and judge him unfairly. I know he hates it; he calls himself fat and beats himself up about it. Why can't I just let it go? I think it's because I'm constantly seeing images of marvelously young, fit, lean men and remembering when my husband was one and saying WHY?? Of course it's absurd. I know it is. But when his belly is hanging over his belt (and it always is), it annoys the crap out of me.

Why am I telling you this? Because I think our own self-loathing, and the judgement of our spouses, is partly just the awful by-product of our stupid culture. There are a tiny percentage of perfect people out there who display themselves to sell products, and we somehow believe we can/should look like that, and our spouses should too. It's utterly impossible, we know that logically, and yet our logic does not win out over the barrage of images. So we go crazy wanting to be what we can't. Once upon a time, the cutest girl in the village would have just been a regular cute chick. Now she's Angelina Jolie, and we just don't have a gosh-darn chance.

I know my husband will never look like Brad Pitt (though, to be honest, I prefer Vince Vaughan!), and I'll never look like either Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie. I just wish I could be happy looking like me, and happy with him being exactly who he is.

No good answers. I stink at this. But wanted to let you know I understand.

[MelissaS]

Anne, no that's my beautiful sister in law, who happens to be thinner than she's been in her entire life. She says she just stopped eating candy in the car on her way to and from sales calls.

I want to poke her in the eyeballs for that.

[Jean]

Melissa,
My heart hurts for you. I will never say "I know how you feel", because I don't, I can say I am dealing with body issues all day long. I hate myself and what I look like. All I know is that hwen I read your posts, I see a beautiful person, sweet, caring and giving. I want to give you a hug so here it goes ((((HUG))))

[Lisa]

First of all, I want to thank you for your honesty, which is so real it's beautiful. Seriously. So many women feel this way and yet no one talks about it--for real talks about it. We skirt the issues, we skirt the REASONS why we feel like failures if we have extra poundage. I was that Tab addicted teen too, starving myself and running until I wanted to collapse. Now at 42 I am not happy with my weightage--who the hell is?--but I finally realized that I can't have all the ducks in a row. Take stock of what you have and what you have accomplished that you are happy about. Give yourself a pass on the weight issue because it is clearly an ongoing and NONPRODUCTIVE (and painful) issue for you. Easy for me to say. BTW, men always want to be "coaches," etc. but honestly I have found that the hardest people on our bodies are 1) ourselves and 2) other women. It is a form of superiority that is utterly false. Being thin and fabulous is not a guarantee of happiness or a true test of success. Use a different measure stick. You're doing great. Take care.

[Katy]

Delurking not to offer any assvice but just to say: I get it and this post brought tears to my eyes. My ex didnt take kindly to me putting on a few pounds and I think the thing that hurt the most wasn't how he opened his (much fatter than my) mouth and commented about it, but that I knew he was right. But what did I do about it? Ate more and more as a big fuck you to him. I lost the weight, in time, and when I was feeling kinder to myself. I'm sure you will too.

Thank you for sharing with us all.

[Lisa]

First of all, I want to thank you for your honesty, which is so real it's beautiful. Seriously. So many women feel this way and yet no one talks about it--for real talks about it. We skirt the issues, we skirt the REASONS why we feel like failures if we have extra poundage. I was that Tab addicted teen too, starving myself and running until I wanted to collapse. Now at 42 I am not happy with my weightage--who the hell is?--but I finally realized that I can't have all the ducks in a row. Take stock of what you have and what you have accomplished that you are happy about. Give yourself a pass on the weight issue because it is clearly an ongoing and NONPRODUCTIVE (and painful) issue for you. Easy for me to say. BTW, men always want to be "coaches," etc. but honestly I have found that the hardest people on our bodies are 1) ourselves and 2) other women. It is a form of superiority that is utterly false. Being thin and fabulous is not a guarantee of happiness or a true test of success. Use a different measure stick. You're doing great. Take care.

[Lynda]

Forgot to mention that the thinnest I've been in recent years was when I was severely anxiety-ridden and could not eat, sleep, etc. Heavily xanax-medicated. Lost lots of weight without even trying but felt awful beyond words (as a fellow sufferer, I know you understand). And here's the truly sick part--sometimes I think, well, maybe it would be okay if the bad anxiety came back because then I'd lose some weight. UGH!

It's like the crazy thing that women do when they get a stomach virus--they always say, "yeah, it was awful, but I lost 3 pounds!"

We really are nuts.

[Katy]

Argh I meant that you'll lose the weight if it's what you want to do. I'll stop posting now and get on with eating my big fat foot.

[Amanda]

I'm late to this one, but GOD I feel for you. I really, REALLY do. When I weighed 300+ lbs, my husband told me my weight was the reason we never had sex, so I lost 135 lbs. ONE HUNDRED THIRTY FIVE FUCKING POUNDS. And we STILL never had sex. Things are better now, but none of it had anything to do with my weight, ever. It was a convenient excuse for other problems. I'm so glad you've figured out that his issues are HIS and not yours.

To give you perspective: I'm an Old Navy size 14. Maybe a 12 on a really good day. That cute skirt you wore to Blogher looked about a 1000 times better on you than it would've on me. (I'm so glad I didn't wear it!)

This is such an impossibly difficult issue. I think you have a beautiful body (frankly, I'd kill to have an ass like that). I know it may not be AS beautiful as it used to be, but seriously, it's still DAMN GOOD. My advice to you (as useless as it may be) is to go out and buy clothes that fit the body you have. You are a size that makes it easy to hide whatever you perceive to be your body issues. And you DESERVE to feel good about yourself, no matter what size you are.

[margalit]

After reading these comments, I was so upset I just couldn't even begin to process the feelings. I wrote something on my blog about how angry I am that so many women could feel so badly about themselves simply for doing what is natural: putting on some pounds after becoming a mom. I don't get why we have let society tell us what we should look like, and I don't get why looks are more important than the inner you. What has happened to us?

[anne (from above)]

Hi Melissa -- I saw a cute sister-in-law, but I'm talking about the woman kissing your husband (www.suburbanbliss.net/photos/drunken_galvinizing/lick.html) -- I'm guessing THAT's you, no?? That's who I meant. But SIL's not bad either! (Will stop now, as sound like crazy stalker-reader.)

--anne

[Nancy Toby]

OK, I can't resist. Just one more comment for a reality check on these body size issues.

"5'4 and 145" pounds and size 12-14 is just about exactly the MEDIAN size of adult American women. Meaning half of the adult American women are taller, heavier, and fit into larger sizes than that.

Those are the facts.

I can hear a chorus of "Yeah, buts...." out there - mostly (I'm betting) from women who are smaller than that but still dislike their bodies.

[Amy]

Melissa... I'm 29 and a size 8 and I don't have kids yet. My waist is starting to thicken and I have excess fat on my hips, although so far I can still wear most of my clothes. My weight is fine by medical standards or whatever, but I wish I could stop thinking about my body, just for one day. I've gotten so used to being critical of myself that I don't think I even realize how often I do it anymore. I'm constantly comparing myself to women I see on the street or at work. It makes me sad to imagine never being happy with how I look... going through my whole life like this. I'm only 29; it's not like things are going to be improving much as I age.

I'm thinking of you. Thanks for writing this. There are so many of us who understand, whether we weigh 130 or 230.

[Sarcomical]

wow, lots of comments already and i don't know if i'll be repeating anything, but melissa i totally understand. i mean, i have stayed within a fairly reasonable weight and would not have condsidered myself "fat" at any of those times, just not fit and definitely not the best i could be. and i too do that looking at other women thing thinking.."is my ass that big? or that big?" that's a very tough habit to break.

what usually works for me is lots of vegetables and the Slim in 6 tapes with that SKINNY BITCH debbie seibers, but i know you're not looking for that kind of advice, or any for that matter.

i guess all i have to offer here is my opinion, and that is that a)i know logan deep down really loves you at all times although his approach to the working out thing is completely dis-motivating b)the sexiest thing a woman can do is be comfortable in her own skin no matter what size it is, so if you're not comfortable then i guess the changes you will make will really be for YOU and that is when they are the most important and c)do what you have to do to feel good about yourself, but please don't ever restrict yourself like that again. brussel sprouts?!? PA-LEASE! ;)

you are in my thoughts today.

[Lucy]

Melissa, I know you've already gotten about 140 comments saying what I'm about to say, but I really wish I could reach out and give you a hug. Like many, I've walked a mile in those shoes and I know how hard it is. I hope you find a way out of this tough patch soon, for your sake.

[MelissaS]

Oh Anne, yes. That was just over a year ago and I am about 30 pounds heavier now than I was then. What the hell?

I'm also thinking I shouldn't have even mentioned numbers because I know, I know, the number on the scale is not at all the problem. Not to cause this deep loathing in my soul.

I know this because I've been unhappy at every weight I've ever been! Also I know this because I know lots of women who weigh the same as or more than me and they're much happier human beings.

[Hope]

Just found your site, and it reads like it could have been written by me. I struggled with AV/Bulima from 14-19, although from my current size, you'd never know it. I've tried telling my husband that I truly don't know what I look like anymore, but he thinks that's nuts. I am in tears just from hearing another person say that.

I don't have any good advice for you. If I was that wise, I'd fix my own food and Weight hangups.

Here's hoping that brighter days lie ahead for you...

[Sarcomical]

you have a good point there, melissa (your last comment). it's so hard to pinpoint that thing which can create a sense of peace inside of you and nourish it. that's exactly right. i wonder if you have any idea where that started for you? you don't have to share that, but i'm glad you brought that up.

[reenie]

I don’t know how to start this comment. I’ve typed things like “I know…” and “You must…” thinking that I know how awful this must be for you, and how you must be feeling…but I don’t know. I know that I feel for you. I know that my sister and I have both struggled with our image. Just this weekend my sister said that when she was skinny she thought she was fat and if only she could be that way now…and I look at my wedding pictures and wonder how I could lose the 40 or so pounds I’ve put on since then. True, I lost 50 before the wedding, but I don’t want to be here again. I remember you wrote a while back that Logan misses the body you had way back when…after reading what you did to yourself to get that body I thought, “How could he fuel that? How could he, knowing what you went through to look like that? Didn’t he know she had an eating disorder?” But life is rarely clear to us when we’re on the inside. (And obviously, your life isn’t clear to me because I don’t know you, just what you write here.)

There’s so much feel good crap out there about loving yourself despite your body size, but we all know that aint gonna happen. How many women do you know who love their body? It sucks ass that we live in a culture where someone can look at a painfully thin women and not only think she looks good, but hurt ourselves either emotionally because we don’t look like that, or hurt ourselves physically trying to. Being married to a man without weight issues doesn’t help. (Talking about my spouse here, not yours.)

I don’t know a lot about your life, but maybe this will help. More than once I’ve wished I knew you. Do you know why? Not because you’re thinner than I, not because you’re better looking than I (though both are true). It’s because I’ve read what other women have written about you. (Heather, Alice, Eden, etc.) They all say that your smile is infectious and that your laugh brightens the room…they all say how glad they are to have met you. And when I see pictures of you smiling I think…she would be a great friend. I know I’ve written a lot of words here, take ‘em or leave ‘em. It just hurts to see you hurting.

[Dreadmouse]

I just sat here and read all the comments from start to finish, and I am aghast.

My wife is expecting our first child, and in an effort to prepare myself for parenthood I started reading blogs to get some ideas of what to expect. In the process I've become addicted to many so-called "Mommy Blogs," because many Mom-bloggers are amazing writers who tell it like it is in real life. You not only make family life seem alright, you make it sound darned good most of the time, despite it never being perfect.

Melissa, you are talented and smart and funny. I look forward to reading anything you care to post and I really hope you find your answers. I suffer from clinical depression too, so I know a little bit about how hard it is to dig out from under. I really have to thank you for being brave enough to post this. It's been a real eye-opener for me.

I knew that many women had issues with their weight but I probably speak for most men out there when I say that I had no idea. I had no idea how deep those issues are, or how they seem to be tied into self-worth, or even how many of you are feeling this way.

I'm so sorry that you feel so badly. There is something deeply wrong with our world to make this a common thing. I hereby vow to remember this both during and after my wife's pregnancy.

[crabby]

i'm a skinny person and i still hate my body. it's not what i want it to be, i don't feel sexy at all, just flat-chested and twiggy and unattractive. and i can't ever change that and i know it. body image is hard to deal with any way you slice it.
maybe we can all go to a therapy session together and figure out how to deal with all these feelings? :-)

hang in there. (((hug)))

[anne (from above)]

Well, this is probably why it wasn't wise to go off on a tangent (to wit: whether *I* think you're attractive, versus the meatier psychological issues) -- we get weighed down in the irrelevant (which pictures, which outfit ....)

though i do dig the newer pics, linked-to in your blog, as well.

As for the meatier issue -- i can only say that i empathize. Have my own struggles, with post-baby weight (my father: "so, have you been losing weight?" me: "[angry silence. followed by self-flagellation]") & -- what's less fixable -- tiny boobs. Husband is tactful about both, but as you point out -- that's not the real problem.

love your blog!! thanks for an excellent addition to my day --

anne

[Michele]

I used to be 5'9 110 and I thought I was fat, I was 5'9 135 and I thought I was fat. I'm 5'9 180 and I'm not skinny. During those times, I was never happy no matter how skinny I was. Funny thing is when I really really learned to loved myself, I was okay. I also am not with the same man that when I was that skinny, that always made me feel less than.

Loving yourself is the hardest thing to do.
There's always going to be somebody richer, skinner, and prettier. Love you. If you love you, nothing else matters. I know I just made it sound easy, and it's not--but it's the answer.

[mags]

I am so with you on this. I'm 5'9 125lbs, but only because I can't put any weight on my arms, legs & ass. All I see is this FOP (that's fat over pelvis) rolling over the top of my low rise jeans. Any time I voice any concern over my fatness all I hear is "you are so skinny". It really grates on my nerves. So now I'm inching closer to a size 6, but can't afford to replace all of my size 4 pants so I have to stuff myself into too small pants with the zipper straining at the seams & fat oozing over the top. Lovely.

Oh, & my boyfriend is in Lance Armstrong territory too. He can run & mountain bike for hours. He will do both in the same day. I work out, but I can't run more than 2.5 miles to save my life. He won't tell me that I'm fat, but will say things like that i need to "get more fit"!! Same thing.

Oh, and he can go an entire day on one meal. I love food & wine so that will never happen. That really irritates the bejeezus out of me.

No advice, just commiseration. I'm sure I spelled that wrong.

[sbk]

I know through experience that I will never be satisfied with what I look like, until I move to the next, lower level of (dis)satisfication. It is only then that I think to myself, "Why didn't I realize how hot I was 10 pounds ago?" Then, 20, 30, or 40 pounds creep on. Til eventually one day I don't recognize myself in the mirror and some fattie is staring back at me.

How do you get transition back into that person that, at the time, you were wishing was different in some way?

I want to figure out, 1) how I got here and 2) how to get back. What was it about my former self that made me exercise and control my portions? What will it take for me to say, "ENOUGH, you asshole! Get your ass in gear!" When will my willpower kick in? I can see the goal, now how do I get there?

I'm soooo looking for the answer. I think it might be different for each one of us stuck here in Self Loathing, USA. I've gotten so many pieces of advice over the past couple of years. And I know that friends and family trying to be helpful, but that advice works for them, not me. It's not what I need to get into a new mindset. I'm figuring out that it has to come from within.

I think I got fat because I was unhappy at work, where I "lived" for four years. And my body responded by growing larger and larger, and NOW my unhappiness is because of my body! What a cruel cycle. I love my job now and my body sucks.

It's an uphill battle, but I wake up everyday with the hope that my breaking point is nearing. And my willpower will grow strong. And I will defeat that voice in my head.

I'll think of you tonight when I'm trying to resist going back into the kitchen for seconds. Maybe knowing that I am not alone will help give me some desperately needed willpower.

Thank you for your open and fearless honesty.

[Susie]

I'm going to delurk here to say that while I often think I'm going to comment on one of your posts, I'm chicken and never do.

HOWEVER.

I could have written this post. (In fact, I could have written a lot of your posts, if I didn't lack the essential charm and wit, but this one really hits home with me.) I wish I had some great answers for you, even though I don't really think that's what you're looking for here. Mostly, I just want to say I think you're great.

[MelissaS]

Mags! Yes! People tell me 'Just get rid of those smaller sizes'.

I got rid of all the smallest sizes and then I got rid of a lot of the larger sizes when I lost a bunch of weight. But now I've got no clothes that fit and I am SURE I will get control of this and be back at a more natural weight in the next year. If I toss everything then I have to ONCE AGAIN purchase more clothes which we can not afford.

[Jenny]

Sweetie - I have looked at pics of you on this site and plain and simple you are so NOT fat.

I was a size 3 before Ella and a size 14 after Ella. It took me almost two years to get back to a size 9. My hips physically will never get any smaller. I've read Marilyn Monroe was a size 9. So I'm ok with it, but I too have mommy butt. I'm pissed that all by bits seem to have been re-arranged.
You have the right to be pissed about it. I HATE having Mommy Butt and constantly am pulling my jeans up so they don’t sag in the back and then simultaneously checking for camel toe. WTF Who designs these jeans?!

My best remedies: Dress like Marilyn Monroe not Christina Aguilera and accentuate the cleavage.

Please take some time to look at some Botticelli paintings, Marilyn Monroe pics also please see Sophia Loren. They always make me feel better.

[Lori]

My therapist recommended that for each negative thing I said about my body, I had to say one positive thing. For instance, I hate my waistline. Even when I was thin I hated it because I don't really have a waist. But I've got great boobs. And that mole above my left breast is the sexiest mole ever. It helped. I don't love my body, but I like the nice bits.

[DeLovely]

I haven't seen any mention of this, but forgive me if it's covered elsewhere...

Losing weight by watching your diet and upping your exercise, and then maintaining any weight loss still requires a tremendous amount of time and energy.

Tell me: Do you know a Mom of young children who has a surplus of either time OR energy? I don't.

Despite Logan's apology, he needs to get a clue. I'm bowled over that Logan will say what he did to you, yet he will come home from a lengthy business trip and then spend his only free day between business trips on a daylong charity bike ride *by himself*. Uh, dude, write a check, and stay home to reconnect with your kids, *and* give your wife a break -- a *real* break involving some time away from the house/kids to do whatever she wants/needs. (I'm sorry; one weekend by yourself in Texas doesn't make up for all the stuff you do on a daily basis.) I realize we only see your side of the story with any given post, but with the minimal backstory you've provided thus far about Logan, he really doesn't know how good he has it with you, and he really needs to wake up.

Melissa, you are such a creative, talented and BEAUTIFUL person! Your blog is one of the highlights of my day. Thank you for sharing so articulately such powerful feelings that so many of us can completely relate to.

[Laurie from Maryland]

For God's sake, why is everyone bashing Logan? He is trying to be encouraging. . . it just does not come across that way, I suppose.

I really believe that it all comes down to health. Do you feel that you are healthy at this weight? How is your cholesterol? Your BMI? Are you happy at this weight? If you are not happy and you are not healthy, you owe it to yourself and your family to make healthy changes. It really is that simple. Eat healthier things, cut out the bad stuff, and embrace a healthy lifestyle.

Honestly, it is not that hard. I know that there is a lot of emotional baggage that goes along with it all (I am overweight myself), but we all know what we need to do to get healthier.

[Anonymous]

Wishing you peace - you've spoken what millions of women feel. I have been there, and the only thing that has ever helped is a good therapist. Honestly. The issues aren't with weight, they are with MIND, and I wish yours peace in your search.

[Joni Kase]

Another Lurker here: never posted before.

Before kids I was a 14 (would have been "perfect" in a 12 - I am really tall and "chesty") and now after 3 kids I am an 18. And it sucks.

My weight makes me miserable. It makes me miserable every morning when I have to put on clothes. It makes me miserable any time I have contact with other human beings. It makes me sad and scared that I am getting USED to this weight.

And it really makes me loathe myself that I require other people to find me attractive (i.e. be thin) in order to be happy. How pathetic and shallow is that? Am I really that vain???

Melissa, and the thousands of Moms reading these posts and nodding their heads, when you give and give and give all day - most times the main thing you have to look forward to at the end of the day is whatever sinful food you put in your mouth. Yum.

I hear you all!!!!

[dinka]

I didn't read the 154 comments... I suspect you might have gotten enough advice to cover every single aspect. I'll try to keep it short. Be nice to yourself. Don't bother with questions why you feel the way you feel and trying to combat it, it's like cutting the monster's head and 10 grow in its place. Be nice to yourself. You've suffered enough.
Also not just "fat" people have body issues. Those, who just "must not let themselves go" and are prepetually busy with looking their best have at least as many problems with self-worth. Only it's all hidden under a very shiny outside appearance.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It hurts to know your husband dislikes an essential part of you. That's the challenge of marriage though... and the commitment is to the person and not their success.

[lyn]

I'm glad Logan has apologised.
I'd still like to knee him in the nuts though.

[Bettsi]

Well, this is advice, so I hope you don't ban me. Talk to your therapist, Melissa. You shouldn't have to spend every day hating yourself. Imagine that you are Madison all grown up. What would you say to her? Would you talk to her the way you talk to yourself? Don't you deserve as much love as your daughter does? Wishing you peace.

[Peyton]

Hi, a lurker de-lurking for the first time. I am so in your shoes now. I was a 4 when I met my husband, and now, 11 months after giving birth, I'm a 10, the same size I was six weeks postpartum. My life (as a mom, full-time paralegal and taking 4 classes in law school this semester) keeps me so busy, though, that I have to prioritize my time. Taking the time to exercise an hour every day means time that I don't get to spend with my daughter. Recently, I realized that THAT time is more important. As long as I'm eating healthy, and making good choices like stairs instead of elevator, I'm not going to stress about my size. It sounds like you're really down, though, and that the issue is deeper than just a number on your pants. I'm sure you will go talk to someone about all of this and don't need more ass-vice, but take yourself shopping for some new clothes that fit your new size beautifully. It's amazing what good-fitting clothes can do for you! Good luck and giant hugs!!

[Monica]

I not only love you, but now I love your readers too. Some great posts.

[SIL - Nicer and Funnier]

...Wasn't just the elmination of candy in the car - walk 3 miles a day, ride exercise bike, pilates... Please don't poke my eyes out. Already had one retina detach...don't want another....
Tomorrow will be better...

[Lil' Sis]

I just spent an entire work day reading your comments. What the hell- it's 8:00 already?!

I hate to say it, but you're kind of fucked, Lis. Look at the women (and men) on both sides of our family. We're destined to be larger than we'd like. I think the only way to avoid it may be to realize that the struggle is NEVER GOING TO END and you're going to spend your life like Sisyphus. The idea is to learn to love the struggle for itself & not for the results, or I guess to learn to love the exercise & vegetables because you feel good & not for the weight loss. I don't know how, exactly. The only way I've avoided it until now is this damn disease. But even so, since I went on the BCPs, I am steadily getting puffier & puffier. My wonderful butt is sliding down into my thighs. I think my pants bruised my stomach the other day, because they no longer fit. Clients in the office keep making mention of my weight gain. I suppose I could try a diet, but I've always been so proud of not being concerned with my weight. Blah blah blah. I shouldn't ever try to give advice unless it's sarcastic.

So what I'm saying is, let's try taking kickboxing classes one day a week, and we'll spar another 2 days & that will get us in good enough shape to kick Logan's giant head off of his tiny little chicken-neck. Because YOU can forgive him all you want, but I don't have to. He's selfish and it pisses me off.

Oh, and also, you've gained weight, yes. But I am truly amazed at who you've become over these years, and if Logan would trade this amazing woman for the scrawny, awkward, introverted girl you once were, he is even more of an asshole than I could ever say. Please remember all the great things you are. I know I like you a lot better now!

And damn you for making me cry. Again.
Maybe a drink later? Kids should be in bed now... Calling.
-Miao.

[Lil' Sis]

Haha! I love how the family all pipes up at the same time.

[stephlys]

I'm not reading the other comments because I don't want to hear any advice to you, no matter how loving. What I want to do is tell you how beautiful and true what you have written is and how, well, how it sounds just how I feel even as a 6 (who is pushing an 8). I wish size didn't matter but to say it doesn't to me would be untrue and an insult in the face of such open honesty. Thank you for sharing.

[Lisa S (& Riley, Bella, & Adelyn)]

I totally relate to your feelings and experience. Right now I'm in a feel-good stage because of Weight Watchers, and I have a few pairs of pants in a six (SIX!) that fit me well. Six months ago I was a 12-14 after my third pregnancy. A few years before THAT I was in a 16 or 18 because of the other pregnancies, which occurred right after grad school (aka Drink! Eat! Drink some more!).

I always found weight for me to be a bad cycle. I'd feel bad about myself, so I'd eat, the weight would pile on, and I'd feel worse. My WW leader spoke the other night about something called HALT - when you're going for food, are you Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? (She included Bored and Anxious but they don't go with the acronym - HALT-BA! BHAALT! You get the idea).

Anyway, I missed my WW goal by .2lbs that night and the only reason I didn't stop at a pizza place on the way home from the meeting was that damn acronym.

But what is so frustrating for me, talking about eating through feelings at WW and reading all of your comments, is how my self worth is so intertwined with food and weight and all the things that are not really an integral part of who I am as a person.

Why is it that my husband can stop eating when he's not hungry anymore, even if there's still food on the table? When did food become something bigger to me than just sustanance?

And it's not like being "thin" (right now!) is a cure-all - I still relate completely to what you wrote, and I'm just beginning to get over feeling fat wherever I go. If I can overcome all of the feelings, then maybe I won't gain weight again. I used to think it had to be the other way around - just to be thin! - but for me anyway, it has to at least happen at the same time.

I hope you're feeling better soon, because you look gorgeous to me.

[jenB]

i have a crush on your sister. still.

[brandy]

You said what I feel. Last year in May I weighed 121, today I weigh 140. It's out of control despite my exercise. I'm just not doing something right and I hate how I look. Thank you for putting it in to words!

[Cheryl..again]

Yes, I have come back to read the added comments since I posted earlier...

Great comments from your sister and she has much more perspective that all of your readers...listen to her. Kick-boxing sounds really fun on many different levels. Get out and vent some frustrations on the bag.

Maybe you need to have one or two of nights a week where Logan looks after the kids and you have the opportunity to go for a walk, a slight jog, a quick 10 second sprint or just a break to do whatever it is that you want to do...Logan has the luxury of you supporting his need to do Marathons, he should offer the same for you on your terms. Start off slow, don't sabatoge yourself by trying to walk/run/bike too far and then never want to do it ever again. I speak from experience.

What about joining the DVD Club and ordering a few Yoga, Pilates or Boot Camp tapes that you can do in the privacy of your own home when the kids are at school. They actually do offer a decent workout if you are willing to put in a little effort. I know this cost money, but you have a couple of years to finish off your membership and the kids could always pick a few DVDs as well. And you could get started in the short term with your first group of "free" DVDs.

If you lived in Vegas, I would drag your butt out as much as possible. It is so much harder to say "na, I am not going to walk/run today" when someone else is depending on you as well. Try to find someone to pair up with and you can motivate each other, maybe someone in your play dates is needing the same thing and doesn't know where to start.

Again, probably a bunch of things that you already have thought of, just throwing things out there...hopefully something will stick.

Good luck

[terri c]

stopping by again to add one thing I forgot earlier: one of the happiest, very HAPPIEST days of my life was the day someone in the know--a physical therapist no less--said to me, "You know, running isn't the right sport for every body NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS." Whee!!!

[Editrix]

Hi Melissa . . . I've been reading your blog for a few months -- ever since the Blogher conference, when a lot of writers I admire talked about how amazing you are. Call me a Lurky Come Lately, but I've been enjoying your writing and damn good sense ever since. (Not to mention, that those Black Bean Tortilla Pockets? Utterly rock.) Anyway, your post jolted me so hard this morning when I read it, I just wanted to give you an Awkward Hug of my own and drag you out for some mimosas. And a whole day went by and the offer still stands. Be good to yourself, you fine fox.

[pomegranate.]

Leaving a comment on a popular blog like this one (!) riddled with so many other comments is a little like sending a balloon up into the air with a little message scribbled inside...hoping someone finds it. Not only hoping someone finds it..but also that what they find means something to them.

I did cry when I read this and I have nothing even remotely profound, comforting or inspiring to say. I have no advice to give. I'm just so glad you wrote this and were so honest. I've never written anything poignant enough to draw out over 170 comments.

I think I've sufficiently echoed what so many already wrote.

What you wrote meant a lot to me.

I'm fat.

[Jane-Marie]

173 comments. I can't read them all. I just wanted you to know that I feel exactly the same way. I've never really been able to express it but I so totally understand "I don't even know what I look like" I feel the same way as you. If you find the answer please let me know. I'm at the end of my rope with the voices in my head telling me I'm fat and ugly.

[c.]

I don't have time to read all of the comments, so forgive me if I'm repeating... but... like, I was a sort of chubby child, and during the years when my weight was a really big issue for my mother, I could not bring myself to limit my eating or increase my exercise, etc.--even though I hated being the size I was. Once my mom chilled out and stopped caring, it became much more of my own fight... Actually, it became less of a "fight" altogether--changing my eating habits was a wonderfully natural process.

The rebellion factor makes things so complicated... My mom was supportive most of the time and rarely said overtly hurtful things, but I still knew my appearance bothered her--and apparently that made me angry enough to insist on staying at a weight that I didn't even want to be at, just to prove a point.

It sucks that Logan's opinions have been so hurtful to you--I hope all of those feelings will start to recede soon, so you can have some space to figure out what you want--whether that's staying where you are or making some changes in your routine, it's so totally your choice.

And also? For the record, you totally don't have a Mom Ass. I'm 23 and hang out with lots of super-fit, gym-obsessed 23-year-olds in the most image-conscious city in this country... and even compared to the crazy body-size standards set by all of my fellow city-dwellers, I see no evidence of a Mom Ass on you.

[Girl from Chicago]

Dear Melissa,

Don't feel so bad beautiful. I never exercise because I'm a single parent and well, no time or way to go to a gym. I doubt I will ever rise at 5am so that I can pop in a peppy aerobic video. I do fantasize about having my tummy tucked to eliminate *some* of my massive c-section scar and scary stretch marks. But I guess by this point, I've given up hope on ever being the stellar babe I felt I was at twenty-four (don't know if anyone thought I was, but damnit I did feel so sexy back then).

I have a new boyfriend and let me tell you, it is downright terrifying to take off my clothes in front of him. But I promised myself I would never make the mistake of belittling my body openly in front of him. I just fake sexy and somehow it works.

I admire you greatly and believe you have a strength, wit and fierce grace like no other. Some how tomorrow morning, you will wake up and manage to smile for your kids at breakfast time. Just remember that you are so loved by so many (your family included).

Take care of your heart and soul this evening,

Chicago Girl

[carolb]

I'd say for so many comments, your getting more support than bad comments, which is good. At least there's good people out there!
Although I didn't read them all, I think I have to agree with a few people who said men seem to have a hard time expressing themselves -- they can stick both feet in their mouths at the same time and wonder how they ever got there! From some of your other posts, I'd say Logan sounds like a sweetheart, so I'm guessing he's trying to help in a 'man's way' (but they just don't know how, do they?)
And I think you have to feel comfortable with your child's school. Do what you feel is right. Do you think maybe the school is just covering their behind with the "Melissa Claus" -- not meaning anything personal against you, but making darn sure they're not liable for something another parent might try and sue them for? I don't know anything about your personal relationship with any of the people at the school, but maybe that's all it is, and not anything personal. I hope so anyway -- you just sound too nice to have any of this stuff upsetting you.
So I've rambled on and on, and haven't said anything earth-shattering. Hang in there -- "This too shall pass".
My prayers are with you.

[kd]

Cried today reading. Just want to give. you. a. hug. And then another. I understand. I won't tell you my story, because sweet jesus, you have almost 200 of them here.
You don't deserved to be punished (by yourself)anymore. Let Logan lose the toenails. I hope you can try to find something that is YOU.

[Dianne]

No advice to offer, just a thanks for so perfectly capturing in words a conflict so many deal with- how can I dislike my appearance so much yet not find whatever it takes to do something about it. I look for the same answers.

[Laurie]

Hugs.

[Heather]

Hi Melissa. I have never been here before. I got here from DaFFy's site. I am a recovering anorexic/bulimic and I was able to relate to you 100%. My heart hurts for you. I am in a similar situation. My hope is that you (and your husband) learn to love the lady inside the body. You got so many nice comments. That many people can't be wrong! You are a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit and you can work through this. Good luck

[Heather]

Hi Melissa. I have never been here before. I got here from DaFFy's site. I am a recovering anorexic/bulimic and I was able to relate to you 100%. My heart hurts for you. I am in a similar situation. My hope is that you (and your husband) learn to love the lady inside the body. You got so many nice comments. That many people can't be wrong! You are a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit and you can work through this. Good luck

[parodie]

I'm sorry that you're wrestling with all these issues - that's some heavy stuff.

One small idea: perhaps something like yoga (I only know Hatha yoga, which is mostly stretching and stuff) would be more your boat than running? I HATE running, but yoga is gentle, quiet (so not overwhelming in the same way as, say, Madison's preschool) and is about getting to know your body. It will (eventually) make you feel more graceful and poised. It's also decent exercise (though obviously not aerobic exercise). Anyways. Just an idea. I wish I knew what to say - but good luck. :-) We're all rooting for you...

[juliette]

Melissa,

I read your post this morning, and I hope you read all of them. I have been thinking about it all day.

I wish I could have talked abt this stuff 20 some yrs ago. My 2 girls, ages 21 and 23 are in college now, one in Aus. and one in San Luis Obisbo.

You are feeling the normal stuff...you take care of everyone and then you take care some more...it goes with the territory.

I still do it now. I have orchids that need my care to fill that gap of kids gone etc...

Logan is just being a guy and trying to help. Feeling as lost as you are at this turn.

Its a free for all when you have kids, the strongest survive and you have to stick up for yourself - not that I did that. but looking back I should have.

You will be okay, its great to feel what you are feeling, I had a marriage for 20 yrs where i was so busy taking care of everyone, multi tasking to the umpth degree, I think so i didnt have to think abt myself.

but YOU count as much as Logan or anyone else. You vent on preceived cuts but... the bottom line is that YOU are the Line. YOU count, YOU deserve a voice, YOU can go thru this crap, and its hard I know... it doesnt matter who did what- but you are here now and you want to figure it out and YOU are doing that.

I have NO advice-you just have to find your way. I am about to be 49, divorced and doing that. I wish life was perfect- not, it isnt.

but, exercise does help, gotta say, i am a graphic designer and most of the time i sit on my ass all day doing what people want me to-its easy to loose myself in that.

YOU ARE SO NORMAL you are okay. they grow up and so do you.

I wish women/men would read/write to your blog with some perspective it really counts.

please write me if you want to talk more.

J

Obispo

[Kate]

I read your blog every day and never post. But this one hit home for me as it did, clearly, for so many others. I'm having a "closet crisis" right now myself. That's what happens when I look in the closet and realize nothing fits. Not even my fat pants. I had a baby about a year ago. Somehow the weight fell off within one week of the birth. I was the skinniest of my life (5'3, 135 lbs, size 10) for the first 6 months of his life. I've always had weight problems so grant me this one 6 month period without throwing up in your mouth b/c I lost the pregnancy weight while eating milkshakes every single day. I think it was just a miracle in exchange for a really long labor (not to mention breastfeeding)! Anyway, the weight has started creeping back on and today I had to to go to the attic to get my old fat clothes back down. I'm so depressed and disappointed in myself for not managing a good weight when it was handed to me on a silver platter. But the real kicker is that I'm not eating poorly, in fact I'm pretty healthy. But, I don't exercise AT ALL and judging from the demands of a baby I may never have a moment to myself for anything, let alone exercise, again. I don't know what to do.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is this. I put on my size 14 clothes today and they fit. I felt a little better because of that. It felt good to have a little room. And I made a deal with myself. I can wear the size 14 for a couple of weeks while I start a regime of protein shakes in the morning and afternoon so I can lose enough poundage to get comfortable in my 10s and 12s again. I think it's just important to be comfortable WHILE you work your way back down. And I've done a TON of research on protein shakes because I generally find them to taste perfectly awful. I finally found a great one that has higher protein and less carbs and calories than most. If you want to email me I'll be glad to share the name of the protein shake with you (I don't want to sound like an informerical here but I really struggled with finding a protein shake that was good b/c my husband drinks one every morning and looks great but I think his brand tastes terrible!).

In short, go buy a few clothes that fit and make a plan to just lose 5 pounds by whatever means necessary. C'mon - we can do this TOGETHER!!!!

[flea]

So I read this and saw how many comments there were and I thought: I can't believe there are so many women so obsessed with their weight, and I can't believe Melissa is one of them, because I've met her and I remember thinking, "God damn it, she's so pretty. She's so much prettier than me, because I'm a big fat ugly cow that everyone hates. Why did she have to be so much thinner and prettier? I suck so bad, I am so fat."

Which is about the point I realized why there were so many damn comments.

[Quelly Turney]

READ THIS...Been there done that...everything you've said is everything I've felt...never have I been larger than a size 8 (ok, maybe a 10) but at 5'5 and 135 I felt FAT and I hated myself. Baby weight I just could never seem to get rid of, no matter what I did. My very understanding doctor put me on Straterra over a year ago.(I just turned 39) ADD med.and a non-stimulant, but works wonders for those of us that "don't feel right in the body they've become." The result, 20 lbs in one and 1/2 years (and holding) and down to a 4/2 (depending on the designer...( : ) Minimal exercise (Pilates/walking/kid rearing)...no side effects...well except that I don't seem to consume the amount I did and make wiser choices as to what goes into my mouth. Oh and I still enjoy my Chardonnay! This is one of the best kept secrets. Millions are taking this drug and tend not to share this info about the weight loss because I guess knowledge is power. Check it out.
I do however have my liver checked every six months to make sure I'm not heptic--so far so good! One added bonus...I never seem to misplace my car keys anymore!

[Bonnie Berry]

I hear ya sister. You are not alone.

[Jenni]

Melissa,

I've been checking in on suburbanbliss.net off and on for a year. You're so bright and sensitive and you swear all the time and use all sorts of hyperbole, which I love. It sucks to hate yourself and I'm sorry you're in that mode right now. I send you big hugs and the cherry from my cosmo. (I let it soak a long time.)

Jenni

[marla]

Gawd, excluding the husband part, I could have written this post.

[Lisa]

De-lurking, as are so many others. Just wanted to say I get it. You said it much better than I ever have.

Someone above mentioned Boticelli. I dated a guy once who seemed to not notice my rotund figure, in fact he seemed to think I was hot just the way I was. It confounded me then, and still sort of does... the point is, he called me his "Botticelli Babe" in the sweetest, most genuine way, and I have never forgotten him or that reference. In fact, I have a print full of Botticelli Babes hanging in my bathroom, so everytime I look at my naked ass in the mirror, I am reminded that at some point in time, people wanted to paint women like me ;)

I still hate my fatness, but every little bit helps...

[Katy]

Chiquititas: it's called a badonkadonk and I have one and I love it. I have always loved my big ass. My thighs and tummy and now my arms are a different thing altogether. I'd be afraid to see you in person now Melissa because you'd be all "OMG she's fat, she's HAS let herself go" and I would totally know that's what you were thinking.

Yeah I'd like to be skinnier, but I finally came to a point where I just couldn't waste another second of my life obsessing about it. I think about doing healthy things (sometimes even going as far as doing them) and fitting into my nice clothes and I will, I will. But I simply refuse to waste anymore time loathing myself. It's the feminist thing to do; it's the christian thing to do (and I mean that in a loving atheist/ agnostic/ wiccan kind of way); it's the liberal thing to do and it's the rebellious thing to do. How many times can you do just one thing and bring all those elements together. Just think, just by not hating yourself anymore you could piss off Pat Robertson by making the christian thing = the liberal thing.

Remember: loathing does not burn calories. Put that in your weight watchers (BTDT) slogan pipe and smoke it.

Ok, this has got to be the urban cross-over reference of the day: in googling badonkadonk to make sure I spelled it right, I found that there is a country song by Trace Adkins called Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk.

[Katy]

Oh and I can totally completely relate to the fuck you eating so many have referred to...started that at oh, 10 yrs old - such a waste of taste experience (because most of us don't do our fuck you eating with gourmet food).

Now I do try to be very careful to not put shit (processed food/fast food/bad food) into my mouth for any reason. It cuts out a lot of eating options and what's left is so pleasurable that there's no room for bad feelings associated with eating.

Next stop: quantity control!

[Angie]

Next time you're at the library, stand up, walk away from Skinny Lady and pick up anything written by Geneen Roth. Take gentle care...

[Psycho Kitty]

Sigh. Feeling the way you feel just sucks, and I'm sorry you're there.

[Mickey]

Melissa,

Thank you so much for laying your feelings out like this. I certainly can relate. This really hits home considering that today's entire "menu" consisted of phentermine and a tortilla.

I don't know if it helps you to know that a complete stranger can totally relate to your words.

Hang in there.

[julia]

HO-LEE. 193 comments? Are we touched by this issue, or what? I almost feel like not writing, just lost in the fray. But this is such a big deal. As I was scrolling down to get to this box I saw a line – could've written this post. So I'll co-opt it and say, "AND HOW."

You said: "I try to spy the sizes the people around me are buying....so I'll know if I look like her or maybe her." I do that all the f'ing time. I have no idea how I look but I suspect it is pretty bad.

I am a size 12 ... but my bones and frame are so tiny that it looks like a size 16 on me. I try not to fall into the trap of, "well, I'm not FAT-fat." But I know I am. I am fat not by the standards of some asshole man who lusts after Kate Moss, but by the standards of good health. I know that I need to get back to a size 6 (130 lbs.) so that I don't slip into Type 2 diabetes (had gestational), and so my feet won't hurt after I've walked a ridiculously short distance, and so I will have a healthy heart and be around for my son not only for a long time, but with a good quality of life.

Like you, I also just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I never shop for myself – why bother? And this is the saddest, maybe: I only have about three photos of me with my son because I refuse to be photographed like this. As you say, this is not me, how I look right now. I can't stand to see it in print.

I do know how badly I need to make a change, but ... I can't do it. Everyday life is so stressful, and I have no extra money to flip around. I'm a SAHM with a toddler ... my only easily available and satisfying vice is food. I don't eat a lot, I just eat like shit. And I can't/won't gain control over that pleasure.

Or should I say I can/will? I don't know ... it's not easy. Each day when I'm about to eat something good I think, "being skinny will feel better than this will taste today." But I just eat it anyway, five minutes later.

[Bonzai]

Whew! Melissa - you are a beautiful person inside and out. I read your blog and love that you will say all the things I'm thinking and more. Find the place where your comfortable, image-wise, and a comfortable way to get there. We are all much harder on ourselves than anyone else would ever be.
And when my husband comes home from his trip, I'm going to hug him for promising me his next bonus check to get my tummy tuck 'if that's what I really want, but he doesn't care one way or the other.' The big lug loves me, stretch-marked skin apron and all.

[elisabeth]

I want to pipe in while comments are still open to say...me too! to all of the above. the numbers don't matter at all, what matters is how you feel. I am in the same boat and getting comments all the time (just today on my blog!) about how lucky I am to be a sz 8. well a sz 8 on my 4'11" frame is vastly different than it would be for a taller person. or to read that if you are healthy and have the right BMI, which is NOT accurate at all for those of us in the extremes. If i am healthy and muscular (work w/ me here, it might happen some day ;-) my BMI will be high because of my body type. Generalizations meant to hbe helpful often aren't.

Anyway, we love our asshole husbands even though they have asshole traits. Logan is much like my dad I'm guessing and can't fathom life without exercising. It doesn't make them evil, but it does make us want to kill them on occasion.

I have said it before and will say it again, this job is so tough. We feel the need to do it all; clean house, wholesome meals ont he table, smart well adjusted kids, lots of money and being well dressed. it is the june cleaver problem. But the reality is it is a vicious cycle. Since i"m a sah mom we don't have enough money for me to buy nice clothes when my weight goes up. We also don't have the money to join a club, and the thought of an expensive school/district is deadly frightening. There are no easy answers at all.

We just muddle along doing the best that we can. I"m sorry you are feeling so beaten up right now. I know that feeling all too well.

[Maddie]

What does it say about me if after reading this, having been there and DOING that, I STILL go downstairs and get myself a nice stack of oreos and milk?

"I've been thinking a lot about why the restrictions on my own photos sends me careening with anger and a suffocating and often out of proportion need to protect my right to do as I please."

Insert "restrictions on what to eat" and the rest is right on for me. I suspect it has a little to do with you too.

Restrictions suck when you're the rebellious type.

Hugs. You'll figure this out.

[roo]

Melissa, I know where you're coming from. I just deleted the world's most gargantuan comment, spurred by all the connections I recognized from my own life while reading your post. You don't need to hear all that.

What comes through your post loud and clear over all the worries and sadness is that you are a woman with some serious balls. You've taken one of the most vulnerable parts of you and laid it out in the open so that any power it might wield against you could evaporate into nothing. That's some witchy work you're doing. I'll wish you some good ju-ju, though you won't need it.

[Rachael]

I truely do not feel so alone in my lumpy misery, thanks for sharing. It's all been said up there, in those other comments, but thanks anyway.

[KR323]

Melissa,
I've been reading your blog for over six months now, loving every entry. "Checking in" with you makes my day...you're a wonderful writer and so candid with us, "the internet". Tonight, reading this last entry, I just cried. I think you speak for countless. countless women. I am a single woman living in Los Angeles, and don't have kids, but many of your issues regarding being a mother are echoed with friends of mine who have them. Just wanted to let you know, there is a girl in California you've never met that is standing next to you and is one of your biggest fans. Hang in there, girl. you are not alone!