Two plus two is four. Four plus four is eight. Eight plus eight is death.

I have some really big issues to work through lately. I've been thinking a lot about why the restrictions on my own photos sends me careening with anger and a suffocating and often out of proportion need to protect my right to do as I please.

I'm also debating pulling Madison out of her school because I'm not sure it's the best place for her but rather the closest place. There are 28 students in her class right now and even though that sounds like a lot, to actually be in the classroom it's just overwhelming. Madison is much like me in that she is easily overstimulated. I was in the class for less than 10 minutes and felt stressed with the talking 28 children can do. The issue of taking her to a school in a more affluent neighborhood (we have schools of choice around us) brings out several other issues of money and class and the insecurities which come from growing up poor surrounded by awe inspiring privilege in Birmingham.

I've talked before about my weight issues. I feel so tired of thinking about it and I try to tell myself that everytime I sink this low into a self loathing place about my body I pull myself out and get to an okay place. I've done it before, and I know I'll do it again. I keep ballooning higher and higher each time I let myself off the exercise wagon though. I don't want to do this anymore and I really don't want to care anymore.

I've never been happy with my body. When I was a size 4, I wanted to be a 2. When I was a size 8, I wanted to be a 6 and so on meaning I've never ever been happy where I am. I've always realized after the fact, that a size 8 was actually a good weight to be. Why was I hurting myself? Why couldn't I ever be happy? Why is it I can look at the women in my life and not even register their body size as anything more than a passing glance. But for me, my body size is who I am. I really don't have any answer to those questions. Other than it's how I've always felt about my body and sometimes that is so incredibly depressing.

My husband, who is wonderfully loving in so many ways, has not been exactly supportive of me and the changes my body has faced in the last 12 years since we met, married and had two children. He thought I was "letting myself go" when I was a size 8, rather than the size 4 or 6 I was at twenty. When that happened there were other problems in our marriage and I've mentioned them in vague terms before because although I tend to believe talking about things gives away their power, Logan does not believe that same thing. So it's not just my story to tell.

But when he told me I was letting myself go because I wore a size 8, it stung so much I thought I might collapse with the weight of it. It made me so angry I knew I was deliberately not watching what I ate and not working out as a giant fuck you. But then a year or so later I got uncomfortable in my own skin and had gained 10-15 pounds more than I was comfortable with.

What I've realized this last week is that I am not uncomfortable in my body because Logan says asshat things like, "Oh honey, you're not ugly." Leaving out the 'fat' part of my heartache. I'm simply uncomfortable in my skin when I am this weight. There is nothing Logan could say to change that, my body is making me unhappy and I don't know how to gain control again. He can't make me feel better about being fat, he could however, not make me feel worse. He could do that by loving me no matter what my size. By truly not caring if I have 20 extra pounds on me. It seems, he's not able to do that. And I am not able to respect his spending four hours on a Saturday running until his toenails fall off. Maybe we're even. I don't know.

He offered to be my 'coach' in my weight loss effort and I nearly shot him in the face. There could be nothing worse than him having an excuse to tell me what to do and what not to do to regain control over this body I can't seem to live with.

I find myself recently facing a kind of body dysmorphic issue I had in high school when I believed, in spite of what the scale said, I was fat. So I ate sticks of chewing gum all day and brussle sprouts with Molly Mc Butter on them for an after school snack.

I truly don't know what I look like. I live in Michigan where a lot of people are overweight, so when we're out I try to compare myself to other overweight people. To see where I fit, what I look like from the outside because I feel absolutely mammoth and disgusting on the inside. I meet someone, usually another mother, and I think 'She has a couple extra pounds on her and she look absolutely fine. I wonder what size she wears.' I want to grab her pants and peek at the tag, just so I have a reference point. I stand in line at Old Navy, buying the next bigger size in jeans, because the jeans which fit me in June when I put them away for the season, no longer fit. I try to spy the sizes the people around me are buying....so I'll know if I look like her or maybe her.

I find myself not wanting to get dressed in the morning because when you've gained weight you lose a lot of clothes and you don't want to see how horrible you look in things. I find myself avoiding actually moving because I hate to feel my body around me. I try not to look down at myself when I'm sitting. I sit on a chair rather than my bed to write because I hate feeling my skin touching itself in odd places I'm not used to.

I don't know how to dress this body I have now. I'm stuffing myself into clothes which used to fit just right and now only accentuate how fat I am. I'm sitting at the library across from a very skinny woman and I'm thinking about how fat I am.

I used to think about money all the time. I still think about money a lot. I go to playgroup with my girlfriends and I talk about money and then I talk about weight and how I don't want to exercise and I want to drink and I want to eat what I want. I'm becoming exceedingly tiresome, even for myself.

A friend said to me that she just never wants to be 'that mom'. The mom who is overweight but even worse doesn't care for herself. She wears unflattering jeans which accentuate her mom shaped ass and she wears kitty sweatshirts from 20 years ago because, why bother buying nice things for herself?

When she said that I flashed to the pair of pants I bought last month to fit around my expanding body. I cried when I bought them and I cry every morning when I put them on because they give me Mom Ass and there's no way around it: I have Mom Ass and I don't seem willing to do what it takes to not have Mom Ass.

That's the self loathing I suppose. I know what I need to do and I just can not seem to control myself. Maybe that's the problem.....

When I was young I struggled with eating disorders. I felt hunger as power and thinness as beauty. I didn't feel beautiful and I felt powerless. So food, and denying myself, became both those things I needed. I fear, now that I'm huger than I ever believed possible, that I am never going to be able to get control of myself again.

I tried to run. I ran a 5K and I felt powerful for struggling through and making it happen. But I never enjoyed running. I enjoyed punishing myself for being so weak. For being so fat. I ran because I didn't want to change much of the way I ate or drank and I didn't want to do a lot of exercising. 30 minutes, three times a week was the only goal that seemed palatable to me. It still does. Unfortunately, I eat and drink too much to get weight loss results from walking three times a week for thirty minutes.

At some point it just stopped being worth it to run until I spent the rest of the day with intestinal unrest. Maybe I started to like my body after I lost 15 pounds and I didn't hate myself so much that I had to hurt myself 3 times a week running. I stopped punishing myself.

Logan has said he takes that as an insult in a way. That having a healthy and sexy body isn't worth it to me anymore. Why wouldn't I want to be the best I could be? Why don't I want to bring my best self to our relationship?

Why don't I? I guess because I don't think it should matter all that much. I know we live in a world where beauty and body image go together. But I'm still the person he loves, the person who emotionally grows and changes over the years and who grows with him. Why does it matter to him if I'm a size 6 or a size 12?

Unfortunately it's still not as simple as that because he is not the only reason I am upset with myself. I'm upset at myself for letting things plummet this low and whining about it incessantly but never being able to get control over myself. Why the hell does it matter to me if I'm a size 6 or a 12? Why does it matter this much that I end up hating myself so deeply?

I hate writing with questions because it opens me to advice I don't want. It opens me to often painful judgement.

And here's another secret: Sometimes I think I lay my soul out here because the nasty things people say to me ease the nasty voices in my own head. If other people are cruel to me I can ease up on myself.

I don't know how true this is, it's just a theory I'm playing with right now.

[**Update: It's important to note that Logan has apologized to me and understands that his feelings about my weight are more his issues than mine. I wrote about them because it still hurts and isn't helpful, but it's not entirely fair for me to continue to pummel him with his mistake.]

Comments

[Julia]

Oh Good Lord. I just saw some pics of you from '80s night (okay, why are my friends so lame? I've wanted to do this for ages) and although I've already commented here, I want to say you look FABULOUS. I know, you don't feel fabulous, but you were talking about wondering how you "really" look, weight-wise? Okay, I'll tell you. You don't look like a malnourished crack whore. You also do not look like anyone I would *ever* call fat, and I'm not saying that as a social statement about standards of beauty. Objectively speaking, you are not fat. Period.

I know, you and Logan have found some peace, but you really need to bop his head again and say, "Uh, my perceived lack of control is not the problem here. It's that you're surrounded with fucking MODELS at your job, models who eat LETTUCE and smoke and do coke to look the way they do." Because they do. And it's not reality. And hello!?! You don't look the way you did at 20? NO ONE DOES. Also tell him that women of our age look gross with the kind of body fat that serious runners have, so lay off the running. Also tell him that duh, running is more boring than watching paint dry.

After seeing those pictures, I am all kinds of mad that we live in a world where you are crying about how you look. Pobracita, come'ere for a hug. You look great.

[roo]

Actually, I just remembered one other thing that's apropos: When I started reading your blog a few months ago, I saw some pictures you posted of some drunken revelry (I think a pool table was involved? And a group of metrosexual ad-men?). I looked at your picture for a while, then went to get my husband to ask him, "Does she kind of look like me?"

"Not really. Why?"

"I don't know. I just saw her and thought maybe she looked like me. She's thinner, though."

[Belinda]

All I have to say is, thank God my husband and I have gained weight together since getting married. We're working on it now, and it's slow going, and I don't know how successful we'll be, but at least we're in it together.

I've seen a lot of pictures, and I want to hug you and tell you you're beautiful.

[Bonzai]

Shoot, Melissa! I just reread my 12AM comment and the last part came off as a 'NA-HA' about Logan somehow. Not what I meant at all. Sorry. As someone who cries in dressing rooms at Kohl's because no matter what she tries on, she looks like Mrs. Potato Head, I'm with you.

[andrea in canada]

Whoa! I am getting into the fray very late. So many comments. Is that good? Yes, you are admired and adored by many. That's wonderful! But it's also sad and scary that so many of us struggle with body image, no matter what the number is on the scale.

The trick appears to be to find a physical activity you love. Me, I hate running. Tried it and gave it up almost as quick. What I don't mind so much: walking/hiking, swimming and riding my bike. I think that keeps the jiggles at bay.

There's no quick solution, is there? But try to go easy on yourself, ok? (((hugs)))

[southernfriedgirl]

You hit the nail on the head of how I feel on almost any given day. I will keep you in my thoughts.

[Col]

How did you read my thoughts so exactly?!?! Even down to the hurtful things "loving" husband says without realizing how hurtful it is and obsessing over every word... I don't have any good advice--you've already gotten plenty. Just find comfort in knowing (apparently many) other moms are right there with you... (I still have my size 4's hanging in the closet waiting for my size 10 body to fit in them!)

[kindle]

I thought I was the only person in the world who did that "guessing other people's sizes and comparing it to myself" thing. I have no idea how I look in the mirror. At home I usually look fine, it's when I catch myself in store windows that I think I look like a blimp. I am so relieved to hear that other people feel the same way.

[Bad Hippie]

Melissa...I have IBS, which causes me a lot of pain and bloating - more often than not. I feel what you're saying, because I don't know how I look, either. Some days I look like me, but other days I look like I'm 6 months pregnant. None of my clothes will fit, and I will resort to sweat pants just to stay comfortable. It hurts to move, it sucks to exercise...and all I can do is feel fat and angry.

Our own body images are a killer. I've always been the kind of person whose weight will go up and down...now I just try to walk to work and bike ride to my son's soccer games - stuff that will be "fun" and not construed as exercise. It's a head game for me - exercise that is. Yoga helps a bit, too, because then my body feels STRONG, no matter what size it is.

Take care and do whatever works for you, exercise-wise - not for Logan. Get healthy for you - you're the only person who should matter in this equation. And know that we've got your back...all of us body-dysmorphic women out here in cyberspace. :)

[Jena]

Melissa,

I have been reading your blog for some time now and I know that all the readers' comments are well-intentioned (well, SOME of them) but I don't see how hearing about how a size 6 person is having to now purchase size 8 pants is going to make you feel better. Yes, there are tons of people out there that are the same size as you or bigger or smaller, and who feel just like you. So what? That doesn't change how YOU are feeling right here, right now.

So I just want to say that I'm really sorry that you are feeling this way and I truly hope that you are able to get to a better place - however you choose to do so.

But more importantly - and this is evidenced by the overwhelming response from your readers - you are a truly admirable person. To have the courage you have, on a daily basis, to put your TRUE thoughts and feelings out there, for all the world to see, is so very rare. You have balls and you're not scared to use them. Your sense of humor and talent as a writer makes you someone that we all want to know better and wish we had as a next door neighbor.

You are an ass-kicker and a name-taker. Don't ever forget that!

[Nire]

{{{{Mellisa}}}}

Everything I could possibly say has already been said by others, so I'll leave it at just then e-hug. =)

[MsSisyphus]

Your sister totally rocks. It must run in the family.

[Lil' Sis]

Jena- it may not help that 217 people have commmiserated, but it may help normalize the situation when Lis sees that people of every shape & size struggle with the same thoughts & feelings. At least there's a sense of community.
Tho, when you think about it, I guess that's just more depressing for all of us. I love being a woman. Oh yeah. I'm helping, here.
-miao.

[b.]

Hi Melissa,

I've been reading for a few months now but never posted. I've spent the last two years watching what I eat and working out to a usually healthy/sometimes obsessive degree and over these two years have lost the 25 pounds I had wanted to lose for the past ten.

I needed a plan otherwise I didn't do it. I got a personal trainer for the first three months to jump start the work outs (big hit on the credit card that I finally paid off) and I keep a food journal recording everything I eat. It's weird b/c it is something I have to work at every day, it's not like completing a task and feeling like, "tada, i'm done!"

I don't know. I guess it's just deciding if it's worth the committment to you personally and if so, deciding what kind of committment to give and trying to keep to it. I liked your sisters idea of going to a class. I guess I think I relate (unless I'm way off) b/c I got to the weight I always wanted, and while it's not necessarily that I'm unhappy and now wishing I was smaller, but of the tediousness of upkeep--i've gotten here, but it doesn't feel like a victory, b/c now i have to work everyday just as hard to maintain. And I haven't had kids yet so I'm sure that will change things too.

[mags]

I think Jena's comment was directed at me, so I'm compelled to defend myself. My comment wasn't intended to make Melissa feel better, since I know exactly how she's feeling I know that nothing I can say will make her feel better. It doesn't make me feel better when people tell me I'm skinny, or that if I eat less & excercise more I will lose weight. Gee, I never would have thought that. It also doesn't help me when people tell me Dr. Phil-style to just be happy with myself. If only it were that easy...

What does help me is knowing that I'm not alone in feeling the way that I do, and that is what I was trying to convey.

[kari]

I read every comment, and whenever someone mentioned their weight/size/height, I would go to their blog to see if I could find a photo. Because like you mention, I am always "sizing up" people because I honestly don't know what I *really* look like!

(A couple fashion magazines have shown shots of "real women" but they will show a size 10 at a height of 5'9, so I don't know what a size 10 looks like at 5'3!)

I saw a photo of my backside once on a magazine cover (an alumni magazine). My husband recognized me in the crowd, but I hadn't because I thought it was some fat lady with a disgustingly-thick hippie braid. So I wonder if my perceptions are realistic. (I immediately cut off the braid!)

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I look fine.

Othertimes I think I look enormous.

I wish I knew what other people saw!

In the interest of full-disclosure, I am 5'3, 139-147 pounds(depending on time of the month), 29-31 inch waist (depending on time of the month), size 8-10 (depending on time of the month). I am a 34DD with a sway back. Even at 105 pounds, I had to wear a size-large top and had no "indentation" at my waist.

When I met you at BlogHer, I thought you looked thinner than me.

I read your previous post on weight, and I was also called "Pig Nose" as a child. ;-)

Many hugs.

[Kelly]

I'm not sure what I could possibly add that hasn't already been said, but I did want to say, as so many others have said, that I understand exactly how you feel. After two kids, and two surgeries in a year (subsequently laying in bed for almost a year), I have defenitely put on more pounds than I am comfortable with. I just recently cleared out my closet, of both smaller and larger (postpartum) sizes. My husband was shocked by the meager amount of clothes that I actually fit into, when all the non-fitting sizes were gone. And while a part of me thinks, just keep the smaller stuff, it's so CUTE, and you've hardly worn it, the logical part of my brain wants me to stop berating myself every day when I go into the closet and pull on the same pair of (fat) jeans. It's like my daily ritual self-flagellation, and I decided I didn't want to do that to myself anymore.So into the garage they go. I am self-assessing all day long as it is, when I notice the small things, like when I'm in the car and notice a roll of fat, where my shirt has gotten hiked up, or my thighs spread across the couch, or a photo of my profile, where there is no longer a clear delineation between my jaw and my neck, or a picture of me taken from behind, with bra-strap back-fat. The daily ritual was just too much on top of all the rest.

I don't want to offer advice, I just want to say, I so understand how you're feeling. And if I lived closer, I would so knock on your door (not in a scary stalker-ish way), with a bottle of wine and a shoulder. I think, as evidenced by your many comments and people de-lurking to commiserate, you are much loved, from far and near. Your ability to put a voice to what so many women feel, from their body-issues, to their boredome-at-home issues rings so true for so many. And while you're not feeling comfortable in your own skin, and you might not be able to see it right now, you are beautiful. I've thought so, many times, while looking through your photos. And I'm so sorry that you can't see it right now. And my wish for you is that you will be able to see it, sooner, rather than later. And that not only will you feel beautiful, independent of the size you wear, but that you feel happy in your own skin.

[Jena]

To clarify my previous post - my comments were most certainly NOT directed at any one post - I would never do that. Everyone has their own way of offering solace, support, encouragement, etc. And those in need of such solace, support and/or encouragement will respond differently to different types.

I only know from personal experience that whenever I have a problem, speak to someone about it and then they immediately chime in with their own story it somehow diminishes the severity of my crisis or problem and it no longer feels like mine - as if to say, "You're not the only one who has felt that way so it's not that big of a deal." Granted, diminishing the severity of a problem may actually be what some people need and it may be very helpful at times to put perspective on a situation. And I am certainly not implying that those who gave such advice were consciously thinking, "Get over it - it's not a big deal." I know, as I said, that everyone's intentions were pure.

But when I feel down about something or myself, that's not what helps ME. And I can only comment from my own perspective.

[capello]

Interesting how I read this today after I just went and bought myself a new pair of pants.

Now, I have always had weight issues and its just since *having* kids that I've realized my body -- I think I have body dismorphia but unlike most I've always thought I'm smaller than I really am.

I too check out other people.. is she bigger than me? oh, that lady is smaller than me... do I look like that? what size is she?

Over the past two years I've lost 70 pounds, but I still need to loose another 90 and even then I will be in the "overweight" section of insurance charts.

Its hard, its difficult. I don't like doing the work. And my sympathies go out to all people who feel the way I do.

[joaaanna]

Soooooooooooo....

I shouldn't send you this shirt?

http://www.vintagevantage.com/images/photos/products/smallphoto/285_30.jpg

P.S. - don't know how to post links, so I hope you can see this

P.P.S. - Hope you also take this is the silly spirit that I intended it to be... cause I'm a HUGE cow and I think it'd be a hoot if I wore one of these. A hoot I say! Of course they don't come in a size bigger than large - so I guess they don't want big mamas like me to wear them... And be a hoot.

[joaaanna]

This maybe? I'm dumb - sorry I'm clogging up your comments.

http://www.vintagevantage.com/products_new.php?productcat_id=2&product_id=285&color_id=30

[Rachel Claret]

De-lurking to give you a virtual hug. With 200+ comments already, I think you may know by now how much you speak for us, and how much we appreciate you.

My own personal journey has involved (among other things), going to Weight Watchers and JUST LISTENING to other people for a LONG time before I convinced myself to try the program.

What I really want to share/give/offer is that there isn't a damm thing anyone else can do for you until you decide you are worth loving, no matter what. If you can't do that yourself, I hope you decide to get help.

Be well, my friend.

[merseydotes]

I would tell you what size I am, but it doesn't really matter.

Like you, I measure myself against what I know I'm capable of...not what others have done or are doing. Sure, other people can really put me in a mindfuck if they're smaller than me or have better eating/exercise habits than me, but it's not their fault.

My daughter is two, and I have been struggling with my weight and self-esteem since she was born. I actually wrote my own soul-dumping post on this *very* issue a week ago. I got to a point where I just didn't have the energy to keep hating myself all the time, and I needed to do something.

I finally had a monster cry...a mourning cry, if you will, acknowledging that my pre-baby body was gone. Lost in the bottom of the ocean somewhere, never to be recovered. Even if I could somehow squeeze back into the smaller pants, there's so much about my boobs, my belly, my butt, etc, that will never be the SAME - even if they're the same size.

It was a majorly fucking depressing realization.

But for me, admitting what a loss I had suffered - and literally grieving - somehow helped me get into a better place. I'm not sure that I'll be able to stay here forever, but it feels good to be happy again. Or at least not consumed and miserable all the time.

Do whatever it takes to get happy, Melissa.

[Amy]

I just wanted to throw my two cents in and give some advice to the other posters (NOT MELISSA - she hates advice)

1 - I have found the miracle diet pill. It is called Zoloft. You may actually get a little heavier, but you don't care.

2 - The proper way to weigh yourself: Lie on your back, put your feet in the air. Rest the scale on top of your feet. Instant weight loss.

3 - The only mirror in the bedroom should be resting on the floor - only reflecting your body from the knees down.

3a - The only mirror in the bathroom should be from the chin up - just enough to fix your makeup.

4 - Only shave your legs half as often as you normally do - that way when you get in bed on a freshly shaven day, your boyfriend will say "wow - very sexy". Men can be easily fooled like that.

5 - Make stomach banding surgery a goal. That way you can have a goal that you can accomplish and feel good doing it. Plus after the surgery everyone will be green with envy.

6 - Remember - it takes a lot of wine to look this good. All those skinny bitches that don't hit the sauce every now and then - they are booring. I wouldn't want to be their friend.

I'm sorry if anyone took offence - I just wanted to lighten things up a little. Not my ass, that is still heavy ;)

Also - Melissa - please don't ban me for the unsolicited advise!

[aderyn]

i'm 21 and i wear a size 7/8. last tuesday, my mom called me "fatass". i know how you feel about not wanting to feel skin touching in new places. i hate that too. i dont have any assvice, but i wanted you to know that i understand.

[Em]

Hating yourself from the inside out is exhausting. I sympathize a lot and hope maybe SOME of these comments at least confirmed that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

[jewelly]

Thank you for sharing this. I learned a lot in reading it.

It helps me sometimes to remember that it's not a numbers game but a "how I feel about this body" game. And one thing I've tried to remember is that this body weighs about what it did 6 years ago... and still, none of those clothes will ever fit again, or at least not in the same way. No kids. No huge change in eating habits (except maybe a bit healthier). And no exercise (rarely, if ever, like always). Still, it's changing. It requires different care than it used to. And it will never look the same. I have to take care of it; but I have to forgive myself sometimes, too. It's doing what it's supposed to. It's just a shame that that hurts us sometimes.

[Lizbeth]

After I had my second baby, I dropped my pregnancy weight so quickly that I was back in size 5 jeans a week post partum. Moms in the doctor's office gave me dirty looks. But I was just small, fairly active, and pretty damn young (only 30).

Now, a month before my 38th birthday, I can't stand the way my body has changed. I am 20 pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant and no matter how much I watch what I eat, or walk my treadmill, these pounds just aren't going anywhere.

True I used to work out at a gym four times a week in my 20's, but I simply don't have the energy or time to invest that much effort into my body right now. None of us do. But still we beat ourselves up. I don't want to have flabby mom arms or run around in sweats, but they are just so damn comfortable.

The thing is I know that I look like a mom now, whereas when I first had kids people were always doing double takes, telling me that I didn't look like a mom. Now one look at my ass and thighs, and it's pretty damn obvious.

My family loves me the way I am and I wish I could love myself this way too. Mostly, I'm just frustrated. I eat so much freaking salad, and yet, I was in better shape when I used to live on pizza and beer in my 20's.

[Heidi]

You took the words right out of my mouth. I know your pain, understand your pain and continuously battle your pain. I think that society has planted a nasty seed of what "beauty" is and should be. I wake up almost everyday and one of the first thoughts in my head is my weight and what/how and if people are going to judge me on how I look and what I'm wearing or how it fits my body around its inconsistencies. Know that when you articulate these thoughts we all can relate and I think it gives women/men a better understanding of the struggles that women deal with.

[-erica]

I don't have any advice for you, because if I had any, I'd be using it myself and fixing my own problems. I have a similar yet different problem to you. I am overweight and hate my body and the skin I am in. However, my husband tells me over and over again that he loves me just the way I am, and doesn't mind my body and thinks I am sexy. And I have been heavier and I have been much skinnier, so it isn't just that he likes fat chicks. But in my heart of hearts I can't believe him. He can say it 20 times a day and I can't believe him. I still feel fat and repulsive, and can't understand why he wants to touch me. So I am here to say that Logan isn't the problem. Of course, he's not helping, either, but if our husbands' attitudes were reversed, we would each still feel the same and have the same problem.

[Rachel Claret]

Y'know... I commented earlier today. Then later, I went back and actually read all of the previous posts.

I just have to say, there is something REALLY WRONG with the world when so many of us have this issue. This is NOT an individual problem - it is a SOCIAL issue. It is way bigger than any one of us. (no matter how big each one of us may be - natch).

I have no solution. But I think it's more than how we deal with it (self-image) individually, and has to do with how society's rules constrict us.

Hmmm...

[trisha]

Melissa, you don't know me, but I read you often. And have been reading you often for well over a year. And I just love you.

You are describing me, here, too. I think I was happiest when I still had a ton of pregnancy weight left to lose---at least then I *knew* I was fat. I didn't have to obsessively worry about it every second of every day.

Thank you, Melissa, for writing this. My own issues have been plaguing me for months, and I have wanted to write about them. I haven't been able to. Thank you for freeing me.

I'll leave it at that.

[mamaloo]

after 232 comments there's no way mine is going to carry any weight (no pun intended) but I'll do it anyway.

a few things.

I think how much mainstream media one consumes really affects your bodily/beauty ideals. since your husband is completely immersed in this world for his work, it is probably affecting his view of women's externals quite a bit.

also from what you describe he seems like quite the slave to some "ideal" himself and is no doubt projecting this on you.

this is my cumbersome way of pointing out that I don't think he is seeing straight.

I so know of what you speak in this post. I have been hyper-aware of my appearance since I realized I had one, around 11 or 12. I think since my family was way fucked up (no mama, absentee drunk dad) my soul needed to be acceptable and normal SOMEWHERE and by God you had better be thin and pretty for that to happen. I was enslaved to this for YEARS. I hated myself for YEARS. not that I'm free now, but I'm much better. being with a kind man who genuinely loves me madly has helped quite a bit.

ironically, the time in my life when I was thinnest and hottest, I was also completely self-deluded, self-destructive, and headed towards alcoholism within an abusive relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend. nice, huh?

flash forward many years later. I had a baby. suddenly, all these teens and twenty somethings with size 4-6 bods and perfect tits don't look right to me. they don't look like *women*. and they're not. they're *girls*. yet that's what most of America is striving for. to remain 16 forever. it's so unnatural! it's so strange! have you noticed that NO celebrities (hardly) *don't* have fake tits? it's become the standard! W-T-F!!???

anyway, here we all are, immersed in this crazy chase after perfection. I am still hanging on to my size 6 hottie clothes even though it will probably never happen for me. yet some part of me is still hoping...but I don't care enough to make it happen, yet.

anyway, this post touched me deeply, I so know how you are feeling. I think I've given up somewhat and I feel better but oh, I remember. I remember.

[wookie]

I haven't been a size 6 ... ever. I started into adult clothes at 12 in a size 8. I suppose then that it is fairly normative that I'm a 14-16 (after 2 kids) who would be HAPPY being a 12. Once I was out of my teens, I've never been lower than an 11-12. And that was at my "perfect" BMI.

And dammit, I AM a hottie. I just have shoulders and hips about 4 inches wider than most women in my peer group. I used to feel incredibly ashamed of myself taking my kids out in public, until I stood behind one of the more average ladies in playgroup and noticed: "holy crap, even my shoulders are wider... I'm not just fat, she has a smaller freaking skeleton!"

Hooray for Eastern European peasant-class bloodlines :-P

[wookie]

Sorry, I forgot something.
I'm always saddened when I hear people say things like 'my old size x hottie clothes'.

Like you're now horrifically disfigured and hideous now that you're size X+1 (or even X+4)? (sarcasam there)

If you are beautiful as a size 2, you are still beautiful as a size 8, or 14, or even an 18. It just changes some of the styles that suit your shape. YOU are still beautiful. Weight is not beauty. Beauty is something you have regardless of weight.

The aim should always be for health, not size or weight, or even waist-size, BMI, or body fat percentages. None of those things are a good solo indicator of healthy.

[Michelle]

Wookie, I love you.

[girl]

Mom Asses Unite! We all love you no matter what your size is. :)

[AmyinMotown]

I have been mullng a comment since there were like, four of them, and I think I know what I want to say now.

First of all, I have met you in person and honestly, my first impressions were as follows. "Wow, she looks much more atrractive than she does in her pictures. And she's little!" (like me, I'd pictured you as taller for some reason. And not like you photograph badly or anything but you have a quality in person photos don't capture ). Notice, ""fat" or "plump" or "pudgy like a Michgander" did not play in there at all--I didn't even do the sizing up thing because I knew you were much much smaller.

And I am at your death size and have to say that stings a bit. I didn't used to be this size. Although even when I was running and eating ridiculously healthfully and was single and childless and thus had time to obsess, I was still a size 10. Like wookie said, I have the Easternn European peasant body. But I realize my reaction is so much my own problem, not what you said. I was huge when I got pregnant and actually ended up 15 lbs lighter after I had the baby, and thought someehow that free pass of pregnancy and nursing were going to last forever. So here I am, huge again with nomotivation to do a damn thing about it..

My issue is a mother who let it be known, outright, that I was and remain a huge disappointment for not being attractive. That no matter what I accomplish, it's eclipsed by the fact I am, on my best day, pretty average. Add that to society's message that looks are the true measure of a woman's worth and, well, 235 commenters before me have spoken well to the demoliton job that does on our psyches.

I am trying, thanks to the discusson here, to view myself as a friend might. That no, I do not adorn a room with my presence, but I am smart and funny and ethical and loyal and a good mom, great cook and a pretty good writer. I can tell you you are impressively creative and have that great visual sense of what looks good and how to put it together-- great photos, cool design on the site, etc. You're also funnier than anyone really has a right to be and a really good mother (I love the way you write about your children, even when they are irritating the living crap out of you). You also have a strength of character in surviving a pretty rough childhood and have managed to create a happy family life despite not having that modeled. And you can write a post that generates hundreds of thoughtful coments. You dn;t have to love our size, but you can understand you're more than that. I can too.

[Marn]

Downside of gaining weight: Mom Ass, Jackass husband

Upside of gaining weight: Bigger boobs, which jackass husbands often like

Look at the reaction you evoked!! It sucks to be disappointed in your body regardless of your body's size. I wish for you to be happy with your body, as soon as possible.

[angela marie]

I think we are all demented about our size. Some think about it all day, some think about it occassionally.
I too, sometimes 'enjoy' my hungry, grumbling stomach because it makes me believe that I am in charge of SOMETHING. Something that doesn't revolve around a job, home, and four kids and their activities.
It's tough. If you figure it out, please share.

[mox]

Add me to the "I'm having the same issues" queue here. I do that "so that's what a size six looks like" thing too. I don't really see myself as I am. (And currently that's not a six.)

No real advice since I'm certainly not qualified. Just a note of support and an "amen" to what a lot of the others said.

You're a bright and funny woman. That counts for a lot in my book.

[Lil' Sis]

Scratch that suggestion of kickboxing classes. I think I will be losing a bit the REALLY old-fashioned way. Involuntary starvation. I just checked my budget, and it looks like I have a whopping $5 per month available for food! And that's if I quit smoking! And don't get sick!
Did I mention that I'm sick? Come take your tonsils back, Melissa.
-miao.

[blu]

wow..it just goes to show that there are people who think the same thoughts as me everywhere. i thought it was wierd that i hated sitting down because i could feel flesh and skin touching. or how i constantly compare myself to other women.
but if you are anything like me, this will pass. and it will resurface. but each time it resurfaces, hopefully it gets a bit easier.
i found it helpful to do some creative things with these destructive thoughts. im sure you have gotten this advice before but have you ever considered drawing what you hate about your body? or photographing it and making it into art? it might be painful in the beginning but positive in the end.

[suburban misfit]

If/when you can figure out how to be happy with yourself no matter how much money you have, how much you weigh, or how comfortable you are in social situations, please write a book because I can seriously use that advice.

And then you'll be famous and famous people are ALWAYS happy, right? What? They're not?

Only three good things came from me gaining the weight I've gained in the last 10 years: my son, my daughter, and my ass.

My ass actually ROCKS now. The rest of me? Not so much. But I know that I'd still be unhappy at a size 4. What's wrong is what's inside.

I hope you find your happy, Melissa, I really do.

[supa]

... Because it's never too late to jump on the comments train.

Add me to the list of Ladies Who Hate The Way They Look. What I want to know is, why doesn't society at large acknowledge the fact that time moves forward? There's no way I can be 18 again. There's no way I can be pre-baby again. It's a physical impossibility. To hold 25-, 30-, 40-year-old women to the beauty standards exemplified by a 16-year-old ectomorph is not only bizarre, it's cruel, as evidenced by almost 300 comments' worth of pain and self-doubt.

Thanks for saying it out loud, Melissa. And thanks for letting us all open our mouths a little bit here.

[LizM]

I think the most important thing that 200+ people have mentioned is that it doesn't really matter how much you weigh. You can feel fat at a size 4 or a size 40. It's the mind set that has to be lost. Like so many other people have already said, I've been all over the road with my weight and I've never felt I was anything other than fat. I have a morbid fascination with body types and comparing myself to other people. I'm always anxiously catching glimpes of myself in windows or mirrored surfaces and it always brings me down. If I'm having a "not-so-fat" day and I see myself I'm instantly having a fat day. In my head there is no such thing as a skinny day.
The worst is when I'm sitting on a public transport bus and all I can think about is whether other people notice how far my mom ass spreads over the edges of the seat. Or maybe do they notice the roll under my boobs that hangs over my pants when I sit.
These kinds of thoughts are so depressing and crippling. All I think about is losing weight and yet somehow in the back of my mind I know that even if I do I will still hate how I look. That is the most depressing thought ever because I don't know how to change how my brain thinks of my body.
I know this is probably not helpful but after all the other comments I figured the most I could do was show you that I'm just one more mom struggling with similar body image issues.

[Taamar]

I've been there. I was a size 4 when I met my now-ex. After our son was born I was an 8, and he said I was fat and unattractive. He spent all our money going out with 'the guys' and I was stuck feeding us cheap hamburger helper, and was soon a 12. My husband would point out thin girls on the street and tell me how I'd be so much prettier than them if I weren't such a cow. I hated myself. I hated him for making me this person. I used to look at my son and think 'If it weren't for you...'.

I left my husband (for reasons unrelated to his disapproval of my weight) and lost some weight... back down to a 10. I was feeling a little better, then I got a desk job. I ended up at the top end of a size 16 and was miserable. At some point, though, it just... lost its power to hurt me. I went back to school and have been slowly paring off weight ever since. I'm now a low 14, and I'm happier with my body than I ever was, even when I was a size four waif.

The self loathing comes from inside. We do it to ourselves. Thats why it's so hard to deal with.

[GG]

Hey, Melissa! Please post again...obviously we are all waiting with bated breath to hear what happens next...hoping you are feeling better...

[Moxie]

I don't know you, but from the pictures you have on the site, I think you look great. You look healthy and happy and not fat. Like, at all. I know clothes can hide a lot, but you don't look like you're hiding anything. But how you look and how you feel are two different things--god knows every woman out there understands that. Just know that when you walk down the street, no one's looking at you and thinking nasty fat thoughts about you.

[Moxie]

I don't know you, but from the pictures you have on the site, I think you look great. You look healthy and happy and not fat. Like, at all. I know clothes can hide a lot, but you don't look like you're hiding anything. But how you look and how you feel are two different things--god knows every woman out there understands that. Just know that when you walk down the street, no one's looking at you and thinking nasty fat thoughts about you. It may feel like they are, but in all probability they're envying you your figure.

[Beth]

"...I've been unhappy at every weight I've ever been!"

This is the most important part.

*hugs*

[misokitty]

Well I might as well share my angst along with every other woman on the interweb. Yesterday I checked my BMI and found out I am in the "Extremely Obese" category, second only to "Super Obese" in fabulousness. (Doesn't Super Obese conjure up images of Chris Farley in tights and a cape? Anybody?) My fear (well one of them anyway) is that if I do somehow manage to lose some or all of my excess weight that I will be left with baggy saggy skin which, weirdly, is more unappealing to me than being super-extreme-can you fucking believe it-obese. Wouldn't that suck the monkey to go through all the work and sacrifice of losing 100+ pounds to wind up looking worse than when you started? Damn you, stupid non-elastic skin! Damn you to hell!!

[21stCenturyMom]

Holy crap, Melissa - you have not only chained yourself to a gate, you have picked the one that is directly in the path of fast moving cars and you don't have the opener. You have invented a super-sized ass kicking machine and you just keep feeding it quarters even though your rump is already black and blue.

Fuck everybody else - do what you need to do to feel good about you. It isn't about Logan or the skinny lady across the table or your mother or anyone else's Mom or anyone else who is a Mom. It is about you and you alone.

If exercise is the thing that helps you feel better about yourself then find something that works for you. Running, walking, a yoga class, videos at home - whatever. Just commit to doing it and don't let anything get in the way.

Eat what you want to eat when you want to eat it but then stop. The eating that is done out of anger and frustration - don't do that. And that's just for you - not for anyone else.

I just picked up People in line at the grocery and Kirstie Alley said that after a few years of Victoria's Closet or whatever that show was she was sick of keeping her weight down so she let it go. I stopped reading right there because I'll bet you anything she was way more sick of being ginormously fat an unemployable than she ever was of watching her weight. Thank God for the great American tradition of boosting your career by going public with your weight loss. All Hail America! But I digress.

Anyhow - like I said - fuck everybody else. Do what you have to do and if it means you give up bathroom cleaning time or grocery shopping time then tough shit. No one will die of amoebic dysentery and no one will starve to death.

You might want to apply this same attitude toward your child's education. In other words, fuck those snobs. If their school is better and you qualify for attendance then enroll your child in that school. I live in a town where everybody has more money than I do but I most definitely have the best kids - hands down. Oh - and I'm 10 pounds fatter than I want to be. I figure I either live with it or fix it and it ain't nobody's bidness but my own. I don't let myself indulge in self-flagellation about it, though. That is a total waste of time.

Hope you feel better soon. Maybe wanting to kill me now will provide some relief from the self-loathing? I hope so!

[Sue (FromOhio)]

WOW! My words exactly. For me it's 3 kids and 50 lbs. Your words stung my soul but only because they're what I'm feeling and just not saying. I suffered from an eating disorder in my 20s and I have tried so hard to find that 'strength' to start it up again. It's depressing to me to realize I don't even have the 'strength' to starve myself anymore...let alone the strength to actually feel good about myself and try a healthy route. You hit the nail on the head...if you find a solution, please let me know.

[Kristina]

Thank you for posting such a soul-bearing entry. Your pain is my pain and your struggles are my struggles. You laid bare exactly how I have been feeling and I take comfort in no longer feeling alone.

[Jenn]

I can't tell you how much I relate. As someone who's never been a single-digit size, not ever...lady, I feel you. I try to shake off the self-doubt and self-consciousness, but it's damn hard when you keep finding yourself in the company of seemingly effortlessly thin women. It's just not a curve-friendly society. But we're a curve-friendly bunch, right here, and we adore you (and many of us have seen your BlogHer photos, and think you're superficially lovely too). For what it's worth.

And thanks so much for being a gutsy enough broad to write this.

[yrobinson]

You have articulated very well all the things that I am too afraid to say. I wish you all the best and hope that you can find inner peace.

[Mindy]

Honey, I am skipping all the comments because I am sure they say all of the loving and reassuring things I want to say. So let's pretend to skip that because it's repetitive and you know I love you.

Having said that, I think you are hot. And beautiful. And you pull the greatest faces.

My ex said almost verbatim the things Logan said to you--I owed it to my family to be in good health, which to him meant a skinny bod, not a healthy 12.

My favorites two quotes?

1. "Does this shirt match this skirt?" He touched the back of my arm and said, "You really need to do something about this. You're not ready for sleeveless."

2. "I'm going for my haircut. What do you think--keep it long or go for the short, short cut?" "Your hair always looks good when your face is thin."

Girl, I got a comment on my ASS on our honeymoon, and I weighed 130 lbs. I am FIVE NINE. I was dangerously thin.

And now? I weigh exactly the same as Mr. X. Thank god he laughed at that. When we spoon, he cups his hand around my belly and doesn't seem to care. Why would he keep doing that if he didn't like me how I am? As he traces the livid scar from last week's lumpectomy he is more concerned about how I feel than about it marring my breast or the divot I now have where the lump used to be.

THAT sort of thing will make it possible for me to want to get in shape, because it would be for myself, and not for some guy who may not have his interests and mine completely aligned.

Melissa, you have a firm grip on reality. I never thought I'd be comfortable in a 12 and I thought that would be letting myself go, but you know what? I'm happy with a 10 or 8 or 12. Because my children and my boyfriend love me exactly the way I am. And that lets me love me the way I am too.

[Georgia Jones]

Oh sweetie. I've been getting my fair share of unwanted advice lately, so I sure won't give you any - but I will tell you you're so not alone, that I feel so much the same way, and I'll pop a link in here to something I wrote a few months back. Maybe it'll help, who knows. Feel better, honey.

http://odiouswoman.blogspot.com/2005/03/sartorially-speaking-i-have-given-up.html

[Carol]

I feel so bad for you - I know where you are and have been there before. My mother thought feeding us everytime we shed a tear was "making us feel better". It wasn't - it was making us fat. I remember being a senior in high school and my mother took me to buy school clothes - I cried and walked out of the store when I realized the only size I could fit into was an 11. I joined the Air Force right out of high school and went from 152 lbs. to 108 lbs. 6 weeks later.

Even after having my first son, I kept my weight between 115-120 and wore a size 5/6 for years. I had my second son 8 years later and was still wearing a 5/6. 7 years later (at age 35) I ballooned to 144 lbs. Now, I realize that it's not a size 13, or 16, or whatever...but it was a huge leap from size 5 to size 10 for me and I felt my body touching in places it hadn't touched since high school. I have since lost back down to 125 and am a size 7/8, but it's still very hard because my stomach isn't tight anymore. It's like there's no muscle tone there and it hangs over my jeans and bulges under my bra. I am doing crunches (which I HATE) and running at least 3 days a week, and have just now started seeing the sides curve back in at my waistline again. I'm 37. It's been 2 years and I am still fighting it every day.

The reason I tell you this is because I want you to know it's traumatic for all of us, no matter what size we are. And it's traumatic because of the size we USED TO BE. There are so many of us with you - please know that. We care and we'll listen and we'll talk when you need us to.

I can't begin to tell you how many of my "friends" have told me to "Oh, shut up - you don't know anything about weight gain" because they are bigger than me. It's painful that they don't understand that it affects us all, it hurts our self esteem, and it doesn't matter what number our clothes have on the size tag - we feel the number in our hearts.

My sons tell me I'm beautiful - and I know I am. You are too. If you take nothing else from this, I really want it to be that knowledge. You ARE beautiful.

[Richard]

All this "fat but beautiful" cheering ignores the health aspects such as heart disease and diabetes that go with being overweight and out of shape. Don't forget that.

[bridget jones]

Girfriend,I have been and am in your shoes. Was married to an idiot who had similar body-focused things to say. Turned out that he loved himself WAY more than me, and that's why he came out with that crap. He's been through 2 more wives since he put me through that stuff. Or rather, since I let him do it.

Yes there are severe health impacts that come from being overweight, and there are others from having anorexia (had it twice). Diabetes in particular is awful, it's like rotting from the inside out.

The point is really what is making you/driving you to the eating/no eating solution. Until that's cleared up a bit, it's a self-fulfilling cycle (feel bad then eat, gain weight then feel bad, etc.).

I"m a big believer in psychotherapy, even if it's only for a short time.

And for giving judgemental creeps a big boot in the butt.

Bridg