Secrets

This is a secret:

Sometimes I hope I'll run hard enough to break my ankle so that I never have to run again.

Even worse, sometimes I hope Logan breaks his ankle, even though running is the one thing he has control over in his life. Even though training for the marathon has filled the last 8 weeks and having to stop would kill him.

Even so, I still sometimes hope he breaks his ankle so that running is no longer something which rules our family life. So that maybe he would stop judging me because I don't have the same interest in running and keeping my body in the same condition is was before we were married.

If I had the energy to send a post card to Post Secret I would. Instead I'm just laying it here.

Comments

[Elizabeth]

You're right, that does sound like a post card on PostSecret. "Sometimes I wish you would break your ankle...so that you could stop running." It must be hard to keep that to yourself.

[lorelei]

Sigh. I know of what you speak. BIG sigh. And thanks for making me feel a little less petty...because I don't judge YOU for saying that in the same way I guilt myself when I think it. You saying it is clearly perfectly reasonable. So I forgive myself a little. You're fabulous!

[Maddie]

You have more guts than I do.

I hope it helped to let that out :)

[DaFFy]

I have one of those husbands that can eat whatever the hell he likes, and never put on weight. Sometimes I wish he'd just ballon, so he would know how it feels to have to put some effort in to even try and resemble my previous body. And see how it's a little unsupportive to munch Doritos and offer me some when I am trying to shed a few kilos.
Don't feel too bad, you're only human, and sometimes that just sucks.

[FlippyO]

Blech. Running is for masochists. I've never seen anyone run a marathon who looks happy while they're doing it. If my partner wanted me to run with her, I'd stab her in her sleep. Not that I'm recommending that, when obviously a good whack to Logan's ankle would work.

I've seen pictures, there's nothing wrong with you. Not unattractive, not fat.

[Andrea]

Ahh I feel ya.
My husband cant gain a gram, I bloat looking. He has been making fun of by belly since I had the baby and it is starting to drive me crazy. Worst is when his bloody mother joins in. Lost it once.
You, by the way, ARE NOT FAT and very beautiful!!!

[AdventureDad]

I think it's great when both people in a relationship like to participate in some similar activities. Me and my wife are like that with working out although we couldn't disagree more on other issues. Doesn't sound fair to have the running rule your family life, actaully that really sucks. I hope you can work out soem compromise that deosn't involve breaking any bones

I've done a few marathons in my younger days and it's definitely a special feeling to finish one. I did a 2:48 marathon once and it felt like a picnic. Don't know what was wrong with me, I've never had that feeling while running again.

Good luck

AD

[kendra]

I've been the marathoner in relationships where the guy was not interested at all...and your words make lots of sense to me now.
It's pretty time-consuming. Physically and mentally. My dad just ran his first half marathon and he was so regimented and obessessive that I thought my mother would strangle him. She kept saying "But that's it. No more races."

PS--If I didn't live on the east coast, I would TOTALLY babysit your kids gratis so you could catch up on time lost to weekend long runs.

[jane]

I know what it's like to live with the fitness-obsessed - my PARENTS are two of the healthiest people I know. Believe me, it's difficult NOT to feel self-conscious around my fifty-something, size 4 mother (with nicely toned arms, I might add).

And I know how much it hurts when the ones you love constantly encourage you to "be healthy", when you suspect that what they really mean is "stay nice and thin".

I went through a period of time a few years ago when stress caused me to gain about 20 pounds; not a huge deal, but to me, it was a constant source of self-loathing. I think my obsession with those extra pounds was due in large part to comments my parents had made about weight when I was a child. I remember, in particular, a story my mother told me about how - when she and my father were in college - my father had commented to her that she was "getting a little tubby". I lived in constant fear that my father would one day have the same thoughts about me. A father's attitude about weight can have a lifelong impact on his daughter.

I married my husband in part because he's NOT obsessed with weight and fitness. When I gained those extra pounds, he was the one assuring me that I was still beautiful. I hope that our perspective will break my family's long history of female eating disorders; I don't want my future children to live in fear of food, as I did for so many years. Life is too short!

[Meganann]

Oh Melissa,

You are beautiful, you are beautiful, you are beautiful. A good woman, a good mother, a good partner to Logan.

I am so sorry that you feel so bad, and that these feelings don't allow you to see the beauty inside of yourself. I hope that you and Logan can come to better terms about these issues.

I gained 30 pounds in my marriage, and it did hurt my relationship with my husband. Mostly because of how poorly I thought of myself. I eventually came to a place where I was able to lose it in a way that felt right to me (not HIS solution, but mine). But before that happened, I felt very similar about exercise to what it sounds like you are feeling about running. It took me a long time to learn how to enjoy it again. And when I did, it wasn't the forms of exercise my husband does, or any exercise with him, or even something I discuss with him.

If you lose weight or not, I hope that you can come to a place that feels right to you. You deserve to feel as beautiful as you are.

[Di]

Running - pffft! I spit on running.

[kari]

:( Sorry to hear you are feeling so much pressure. You are pretty - definitely not fat - and there is no need to worry about that.

It is great that Logan loves running so much, but if you don't share the love, then it doesn't really work as a family activity. Do you bike? Bike while Logan runs. Rollerblade while Logan runs. Any other pairings that might be done side-by-side where he can run and you don't have to?

[PaxilMama]

My husband is always asking me if I "did my situps". Ummmm...nope. And I am secretly thinking "FUCK YOU." As if his six-pack were enough of a motivation for me to lose this 3-baby belly. All he has to do is literally THINK about losing a few lbs and they're gone and he doesn't understand why I can't lose the belly. Ever heard of METABOLISM? BUILD? LUCK OF THE DRAW? DON'T HAVE TIME FOR SIT-UPS BETWEEN MY THREE KIDS AND THE HOUSE AND PART TIME JOB? Kiss ass, buddy.

[Greg]

How would you fit all that on a postcard, anyway?

[Marta]

Um . . . that probably should have stayed a secret don't cha think? :)

[madge]

No assvice from me on the working-out front. I effing HATE running. My knees are shot and no-matter the bra, the boobs shake too much.

It sucks that some people have so few emotional ties to food and weight that they can just TRY to lose weight and they DO! Whereas those of us with deeper, more intricate relationships with food can battle for years, up and down, before reaching comfortable and healthy weight.

Every single person in the world can tell you you aren't fat and it won't mean a thing when you're down on yourself. In fact, it can even make you feel worse. It feels, I don't know, patronizing? You know how you feel and if it isn't good, then other people's opinions are useless.

That said, I think you are lovely. I imagine if I were in the room with you, it would be lit up with your smile.

[MelissaS]

No, not really Marta.

[tiramisu]

The topic of body image is such a painful, distressed, personal one for women. I don't understand people thinking they are being reassuring by saying "don't worry, you're not fat" because by definition you are saying that it would be horrible if she was--therefore she is right that she is constantly being judged by your perception of her body. And what about the women who ARE fat? I AM fat, by definition of our culture, our medical standards, clothing manufactors, hell, even airline seat designers. What do you say to people you do think are fat--don't worry, you have a nice smile. Don't worry, you have a great personality. Ugh.

[Suz]

Oooh, Marta, hiss, scratch. You go, kitty. I bet you're a sketch at cocktail parties!

[Kat]

I have the same issue if you substitute mountain biking for running. Judged is exactly how I feel.

[Sarah]

My fiance thinks it is a great adventure to move because, "It's a great workout!"

Um, yeah. I am so lucky have this chance to lift up the couch and add to my muscle mass.

I feel your pain.

[Melissa]

Marta, tsk tsk. Move along, dear.

Delurking to say that you are one fine woman! You are not fat, not ugly, not anything but a gorgeous, intelligent chica.

I hope Logan sees your secret, understands, and take action to help you heal.

By the way, who on earth has a smile like yours? Seriously, that thing should be illegal!

[Michele]

I hope that Logan realizes that his wife's beauty is in her heart not her waist size. That the words that dig deeper than any dagger can reach are the ones he says to you about your body image.

I hope it all works out.

[Tammy/averagemom]

I love Post Secret, too. I can't decide what I'd send them, and I'm not as brave as you are, to put it out there on the blog. Don't break an ankle!

[roo]

Word.

[Undisclosed]

Body image is such a nasty thing. A hundred people can tell you you look great, but one unkind word from someone else is enough to convince you the other hundred were lying. On the other hand, blogs are wonderful because it gives us a chance to fall in love with a person for who they are inside- their thoughts and feelings and fears- and never once consider what they look like. We love you for the things you share with us, Melissa, and no matter what you look like I think you're an incredible contribution to our world.

[ada]

Well, I hear Tonya Harding isn't all that busy and she's been keeping in fine leg bashing form with all that "wrestling"...

[dinka]

I'm tired of the pressure on women to always look like they ever had kids let alone smelled a pregnancy hormone. We should just have aritificial wombs and then the men could cultivate the sexy ever-energetic perfectly shaped woman and enjoy themselves without all the pesky motherhood-business...

[Liz in Maryland]

I used to run, and then I did break my foot. I haven't run since. I find taking a walk to be way more pleasurable. I am 43, and never expect to look as good as I did in my 20's. And if anyone thinks otherwise? screw 'em.

[kenya]

melissa,

funny thing is, i know where you are (blogged about it recently, too, and reading this post is inspiring me to blog aobut it again) but mine is more of the whole self-pressure thing to look good. but mine tends to go like this: "i secretly wish i was rich so people would focus on THAT instead of the fact that i'm fat/busted/let my self go. it works for so many others."

sad, i know.

you are not alone, sista.

[Becky]

I was out of town for a conference this week (um, yay me! it's about damn time I got to sleep in a hotel bed alone) and...well, we had a little fun at a bar one night. Moms Gone Wild.

Anyway, I was dancing with this guy who just happened to be 7 years younger than me and somehow my children came up. His response: "Oooh...you have kids? I love the look of a girl who's had lots of babies."

I somehow fought the urge to slap him. He left the bar shortly after, probably due to the fact that I brought lots of attention to the fact that he had no filter between his brain and his mouth.

Men!

[Kelly]

1. You look great in your recent photos!
2. Thanks for sharing your secret because I have similar secrets involving my "perfect" husband and seeing that you (and most of the women who commented here) also have similar secrets makes me feel much more normal.

[bon]

yah.. used to work with a girl, beautiful and rail thin who was constantly made to feel like bertha-the-balloon by her inlaws because she had a bit of a tummy. All the rest of the wives were able to pop back into their skinny mini jeans like two second after giving birth and here she was two years later! Can you imagine what jerks they must have felt themselves when she collapsed, went to the hospital and then had a tumor the size of a very large grapefruit removed from her uterous.
snerk!
yer right they just probably just felt relief that she finally would look good in the family pictures again.

As for me, well I AM a fat-girl and trust me... I've seen the pix and you AIN'T.

[Katze]

I could have written this exact post every single day for the last four years. I don't have any assvice, but I feel your pain. Oh, do I feel it.

[googleworm]

I'm with Katze ... except my husband DID break is ankle and spent 8 weeks on a hand bike since he could run or ride! Now he's training for not one but TWO Ironman races this year... in addition to a couple of marathons for "fun." HA.
I don't have an athletic bone in my body ... I wouldn't run if you chased me.
If he ever races in Florida, we can find an outside bar to watch the race from and laugh :)

[elsimom]

The average woman in the United States is a size 14. Hell, you're not fat. You're not even "above average". Hang in there.

[elsimom]

Oh, and P.S. you're pretty too! And thoughtful, and smart, and funny and . . . .

[sunny]

Tiramisu: I've got another one: "You've got such a pretty face!" Because, obviously, the rest of you is disgusting and slovenly and is single-handedly ruining everyones' lives.
Aargh!

PS: Melissa, even if your smile wasn't enough to light up a room, I'd still love you because of the wonderful bravery you have and your ability to voice the opinions that so many of us are scared to confront. You're beautiful, outside and (most important) in.