Still fat, but understood!

Well that's unfortunate, isn't it. That so many of us struggle with our bodies and feeling at home in them. After reading all the comments and taking in all the emails and really thinking about my body image, I thought perhaps I'd felt better. But don't worry today while putting my clothes away I felt once again tormented by my pants in the closet which are no longer wearable.

I have to find something I enjoy doing to work my body. I worry though that for the time I want to commit (minimal) to my body and overall sense of well being, running may be all I can do to fit into my pants again. I know we talked a lot about not letting a size run our lives but I have 15 pairs of pants in a perfectly reasonable size waiting in my closet. I'm also realizing that even though I've always felt unhappy with my body, the weight I was over the last winter until spring is one I can learn to live with.

It's sort of like realizing how easy one child was only after you have two. Or realizing how easy two was only after you have three. And so on.

I wanted to move on from weight issues after that last post but I'll admit sometimes when I write something extremely emotional, I'm sort of deflated afterwards. Sometimes I'm so deflated I catch a cold. And that what I have now.

A cold.

I guess I want to say I'm surprised I'm not alone in these feelings but then when I look at the world around me I know I shouldn't be surprised. It's true I'm a happier person overall than who I was when I was thin as a rail. But why can't we have it all?

I need nyquil and a good night's sleep.

Thank you for reading what I write and for understanding me. I'm not exactly sure why it makes such a difference to me but it truly does.

Comments

[Undisclosed]

You're wonderful, Melissa. We love you.

[a]

I started to post below but thought I would probably get lost in the hubbub (good turn out by the way there buddy). I was so not seeing how people could even sort of Logan bash. Why is it not ok for a spouse to acknowledge that you are not happy with yourself. If you were thrilled beyond belief, he would probably not say a word. But you are clearly not and that is not fair to you or him or your marriage. So commit to just walking everyday. You will feel infinitely better. You will figure this out, I have no doubt. Once you start heading down the path you want to be on, it is a lot easier to stay on. It is the getting on that is hard. You owe it to yourself to feel good in your skin, and you will.......

[clickmom]

I too am struggling with weight issues, and had promised to post some photos on my site, until I saw them. Normally the only photos of me are ones I take myself, they are face only and carefully edited. These were full body shots taken by my family. I posted on my reluctance to post the photos and was advised by a wise woman to "drop the brick wall and own what I am." I took her advice and posted the photos because I am so proud of what I have done (a triathlon) and feel really good about it. Being fat doesn't take away from my achievements, my great family, my keen sense of humor, it is just another facet of me, one that I can comes to terms with because ultimately my size won't define me unless I let it.

[Karin]

We love reading what you write...because you write what's in so many of our heads.

Thank you.

[Holly]

Ugh, I got a cold today too. I'm going the valium/popsicles/needless shopping at TJ Maxx route. Always works a treat.

[Eleanor Rigby]

You're my favorite stranger.

And I am in the first blush of a cold today, too! [cyber high-five followed by Purell]

[Kerrie Ann]

Hey. When I feel like that (read: daily) I've been gently guided (pushed like shopping cart by a 4 year old) by friends (psychotherapists)who would suggest two things: 1. think about what the triggers are to this feeling other than simply feeling fat? and 2. figure out what would make me feel better. Clearly, the immediate answer would be to be 92 pounds. But then, I would remember something else and while it wouldn't make me thinner, it would make me realize that there is a glitch (issue festering inside of me).
But, unfortunately for most of womankind, we do feel fat (ugly, short, tall, etc.) because we are women and we tend to feel things more deeply than say, frogs. Know that while you can always change your weight, you can't change your personality so be glad you are blessed with an endearing one.

[KathyR]

I am better at giving advice than following it, but here goes: Just get rid of those pants. Really. Yes, even the cute ones you never wore or only wore once or that are the only ones that would go with that jacket if you could just lose 5 or 10 pounds and get into them. If you can't bear to get rid of them entirely, then put them in a bag or a box and put them out in the garage. Wear pants that fit. Be nicer to yourself. It's hard to be kind to yourself or anyone else when your waistband is making a red welt on your stomach.

But you knew all of that already.

[MelissaS]

Nope they're staying. I got rid of all of that size once before and then I shrunk back down and had to REBUY all of that stupid size.

So no, it's a reasonable size and I'm certain once I change my medication and get into some sort of regular workout routine again (like I was when I fit into that size).

I'm also keeping this larger size just in case this happens again because I also dumped all this size the last time I lost the weight and guess what? More money down the drain.

There should be a clothing pawn shop for people figuring out how to maintain a good weight.

[Monkey]

You are welcome. And I hope you feel better, all the way around. Big pants or small pants. We all have them.

[merseydotes]

I'm glad this post is in 'Randomly Thinking' instead of 'Bad Days.' 8-) Baby steps are good.

I have pants in four sizes in my bedroom, not counting maternity clothes. I only get rid of clothes when I think they're too ugly or dated (read: tapered leg) to wear anymore. Every once in a while I have to give my skinny pants the bird and yell at them for making me feel bad, but I feel like giving them up would be writing off a whole size at the bottom of my realistic size range. I know it's possible to get back into them...it just will take more effort than I'm expending right now. Getting rid of the skinny pants=admitting that I'm too lazy and tired to try. I can't live with that.

[trisha]

We should just set up a floating pants exchange system. I have sizes 4-14.

[kari]

Hey merseydotes, the tapered leg is coming back in! Ahhhhh!

Melissa: glad you are feeling a tad better. Get well from the cold soon, and best of luck.

((hugs))

[Becky]

I've sometimes done better if the skinny clothes weren't hanging in my closet taunting me every time I went in there to grab the fat jeans. Then again, I'd probably be infinitely happier if I removed all mirrors from my house as well. Is that too extreme??

[Mark Bigelow]

I'm sorry to hear that you're down about your weight. I have a suggestion that has been tested a little and seems to work very well. Best of all it's essentially free and effortless.

You may have heard about Seth Roberts over at the Freakonomics Blog. He's the UC Berkley professor that took data on himself over 20 years and was able to solve some of his personal problems with it. One of those problems was weight.

You can read his paper at http://repositories.cdlib.org/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1895&context=postprints, but the gist is that he drank sugar water (using sucrose, not table sugar, although table sugar would work) during the day. This acted as an appetite suppressant and he found he was not hungry at all during the day. He dropped almost 40 pounds (18kg) in a short period of time and kept it off by just drinking a small amount of sugar water.

I'm going to be trying this over the next few weeks to see how it works for me, but according to him and his friends that have tried it, it's amazing. One of his friends lost about 100 pounds!

If you try it, I'd love to see a post about how it worked.

[dragonlady474]

I hate exercising! But I do love to dance and that is what I do to keep in semi-shape. Walking does help too. I went back to school (I'm a geezer) and all the walking on campus is really helping out considerably. Today one of my classmates even thought I was 25!! for goodness sake (I'm 42), after congratulating him for being a good liar I thanked him lol.
ANYWAY, pick something you like to do that's active but not boring. If you like the walking idea, walk somewhere that is scenic so that it appeals to your senses and you'll look foreward to doing it. Good Luck!
btw, I really do think you like fine...pretty and NOT fat.

[margalit]

I've been thinking about you since your last post, wondering how you're doing and if you're feeling better about yourself. I'm glad to see this new post, which seems to be you in a better frame of mind. I hate to exercise more than anything in the world, and now I can't because exercise could kill me (boohoohoo). Because I'm not allowed to do anything other than a short amount of walking, I can't drop the weight I'd like. I am not miserable because I want to live and watch my kids grow up more than I want to fit into pants I haven't worn in a long time.

I hope things continue to improve for you. I think it's amazing that so many people came out of lurkdom to support you. You're cyberloved, you know.

[Jill G]

Hey, try living in Southern California. In San Diego, if you do not have abs like Shakira you might as well get in the water with Shamu. I am so glad I am not the only person with 4 sizes of clothes in the closet. The come back of tapered pants are the sixth sign of Armegeddon, by the way. I have looked at your pictures and you are a beautiful woman with a lovely figure and a phenomenal gift of writing. Thanks for being so willing to throw it all on the computer screen.

[DaFFy]

Melissa

You're cool because you admit your failings, your problems, your insecurities and those of us without your openness can relate.

Personally, the 'Awkward Hugs' got me in. I am THE world's most awkward hugger, and was delighted to find out there was another one of me.

[roo]

You struck a chord with a lot of people. Thank you for getting the discussion started.

I hope writing it all out is working the toxic thoughts out of your system. Hey, maybe that's why you caught cold-- a chance for your body to keep house...

I hope you feel better soon.

[alice]

Thank *you* for writing about this. I hope that you get the sleep that you're needing, and that things are more approachable-feeling in the morning.

There's so much to say on this issue, but the one thing that you said which I have to comment on is this: "I knew I was deliberately not watching what I ate and not working out as a giant fuck you." It took me YEARS to realize that this was what I'd been doing, and I want to thank you for saying it out loud. And congratulate you for being able to recognize it as it was happening. I'm still caught up in it, so it gives me hope to hear about people who haven't gotten caught in that trap.

[Léonie]

I find what you write so amazing. It's incredible to read something that so connects with what I'm feeling about myself. I wish we could all stop torturing ourselves with expectations - realistic or otherwise. I know that we will never stop doing that, though, so I suppose the second best thing is to know we're not alone. Thanks, Melissa.

[Karen]

If nothing else, you should know that what you write inspires actions in other people. While I don't have weight issues, I have plenty of other "image" issues. My husband, however, has weight issues. And I realize I've been doing a Logan to him. So I went home last night and told him I was sorry and that I loved him no matter what and that the issues were mine, not his.

[Laurie]

Try Curves for Women. 30 minutes a day/3 days a week. I've been doing it for a few months and am glad to see that it actually is working.

No matter what you do to help yourself feel better...know that we're all here with you!

[Jessie]

Wow, can I relate to one line from this entry "It's true I'm a happier person overall than who I was when I was thin as a rail."

Right now, I'm happy with everything in my life...except my body. But when I was incredibly thin, that was the only thing I was happy about. The rest of my life was miserable. It's too bad we can't have both, but I think I'll keep things the way they are now, and maybe work out a little more. We'll see.

[Kim]

Last year I lost some weight, but my state of mind told me that I was gaining as my body changed. I was miserable and wallowing in self loathing until I was weighed at the doctor and found I had actually lost 6 pounds! Then I was elated. I left there feeling great. So, it had nothing to do with my actual weight, how I felt, or how my clothes fit. It was my frame of mind and what I "thought" I weighed. I guess we all play mind games with ourselves. How sad that so much of our self worth is wrapped up in our weight. Thanks for always writing so eloquently what the rest of us are thinking.

[Emily]

Thanks for saying what you did, Melissa. I was in that same place a few months ago, and finally decided to just force myself off my ass and do something about it. I was tired of feeling like crap, and I felt like I was exhausting myself more by brooding about it than I would just getting outside and running for 30 minutes.

I don't need to lose a ton of weight, but it took me a while to accept that. I only needed to lose about 10 pounds and firm up. No matter how hard I work out, the smallest I will ever be/have ever been is maybe a size 8, and I am 5'4", and I had to learn to be ok with that. But I did want to feel firmer and less mooshy and I needed that little boost of confidence that working out and getting results gives.

The hardest part is those first two to four weeks. But the biggest motivation for me is when I start to see a difference, no matter how small. Once I see that wee bit of change, whether it is that the unthinkable pair of pants in the back of the closet will go on (even if they don't zip) it becomes kind of addictive for me. That little push gives me the motivation to continue. It has been about 6 months for me now, and although I don’t think I’ve lost a lot of weight, my clothes are certainly more comfortable, but I just feel better. I feel happier. My husband sees a difference in my body, but more in my attitude.

I honestly hope everything starts to fall in place for you. You deserve it. Good for you for making that step forward. You’ve got all these people here rooting for you who also know you deserve this. Sorry for the long comment. We’ll all be here to cheer you on no matter what.

[Michelle]

Melissa,

I couldn't get rid of those last 15 pounds after child #2, and I HATE running and going to the gym. Exercise has to be enjoyable for me or else I get bored, so I lost it while staying at home by:

1. Dance Dance Revolution--YOu need a PlayStation or XBox for this, but it's a blast and 30-45 minutes works up a big sweat. In no time you'll be competing with the teenagers at the mall, which was MY goal! I started off at 3x a week

2. Exercise DVD's: Pilates, Yoga the Exercise Ball, even Billy Blanks Tae Bo (I HATE that man!) The key is to get a variety of them over time and you'll never get bored. I would do this after DDR

Really, I HATED exercise, and hadn't really done any in about 5 years and now I'm doing it at least 5x a week. I started in January and haven't quit.

My husband likes the results, but he didn't care about the extra weight, and ultimately I did it for ME. I'm strong, in great shape, and most importantly in a better mental state. I also feel a lot sexier, so it's done wonders in that department. Next week we start family Karate, which will also be fun.

Just do it for yourself. Start today. You will feel better immediately, I promise!

[Leslie]

Hey there Melissa! All I have to say is exercise in the MORNING b/c if you leave it to do in the evening the motivation is SO not there! I've been walking in hopes that one day I'll be able to run or even jog for that matter...hasn't happened yet (well a couple of times when I wanted to get done quickly so I can watch my program!). I still feel good for just being able to get on the treadmill. Good luck!
Love you dearly!

[Krista]

Hey, I LIKE tapered pants!

I boxed up stuff that was too small and stuffed it into the attic. That way I didn't have to look at it and when I started to lose weight I was able to go back to the boxes and find stuff that fit and it was like getting presents!

I'm doing Tai Chi (low impact and easy to start if you're not in shape (I wasn't) and a great workout no matter what your fitness level) now and it was really hard to get started. I went with my sister-in-law and our kids (yes, they can do it very young) and I would have bailed if I didn't have that peer pressure during that first couple of months. But now I love to go. I have lost weight, but more importantly I'm very strong and healthy. I'm in shape despite still being fat. And best of all if anyone says anything to me about it I can kick their ass!

[Sami]

I think you're super-cool and I love that you're so real and that I can relate to what you say so much. I wish I had Mom-friends like you but, alas, all of my closest friends are unmarried, childless, too-skinny bitches -- man, I need some new friends.

I was thinking about it this morning and remembering what the circumstances were the last time I enjoyed getting healthy. At the time I told my then-husband that I wanted to take kick-boxing and eat better and lose weight and he told me that he didn't want me to because he liked me just the way I was.

While it was a sweet sentiment I took it as him holding me back and did it anyway just to spite him. It's funny how something that probably started from the intention of him being kind, loving and accepting even got twisted up in my psyche to something negative. But his attitude, and my wrongful interpretation of it, helped me to get down to a size 6 ... but I've gained it back since, and then some.

Okay, so yeah, I've got no good advice for you, but you didn't really ask for it anyway. Just keep being your awesome self and we'll still love you! :)

[Leigha]

I've been overweight for a while now, and the birth of my son did nothing but stretch everything out, so I'm not in a good place right now image wise. I've been moping around about it, but not actually DOING anything about it, until my sister (a personal trainer) said something that kinda stuck. She turned to me as I was cramming a guacamole laden chip into my mouth, and she said, "Every calorie counts."

I'm not sure what it was about that phrase, but it motivated me. It really made me think about what I put into my mouth; is that peice of chocolate really worth it? That slice of pizza? Why eat junk when you can eat fruit? I also dusted off my old Firm DVD's and slapped on a pair of sneakers. Four or five times a week, I'm bouncing, kicking, sweating and gasping as those hookers urge me on to work harder (and I'm yelling back at them to SHUT UP), but I'm doing it. It gives me a sense of accomplishment, and while the movement of the scale hasn't been huge, my clothes are fitting more like they should, and my "skinny for me" pants are starting to think the vacation just might be over.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that the mental switch won't be flipped until you are at the right point for you. Nothing anyone else says, either on this site or in your real life, will make you do it until you are ready. My sister said the right thing (for me) just when I was primed to start making some changes. I hope that it happens for you soon.

[Texas T-bone]

We guys can have weight issues, too. Like sometimes, I don't realize that I don't want an Oreo® until I've eaten half of them. I am in fairly good shape (though slightly roundish), exercise often (gyms suck; I jog and bike) and eat mostly healthy (broccoli counteracts Oreos, but you've got to eat a LOT of it).

I'm usually in a happy place, but I, too, wish some of my pants would fit a little better.

[Tuesday]

Everyone has issues, it sucks but it is true.
Be good to yourself.

[Mir]

I'm glad you're feeling a tad mentally better, even if your body is now bearing the brunt of your recent stress. Here, I'll make you some tea.

I don't believe there's such a thing as "having it all." When you were "thin as a rail" I'd be willing to wager that you had another (different) target for your self-loathing. Those of us who have trouble being kind to ourselves don't need much in the way of justification to feel awful. The trick is learning how to be gentle with ourselves.

[Kat]

I made an interesting connection recently. My depression/anxiety and my feelings about my big butt were more connected than I thought, and not just at a psychological level but at a physiological level.

I do my own personal version of The Zone Diet, which is basically a palm-sized portion of lean protein with all the fruits and veggies you want, and make sure you eat something every 2 hours. I mean I eat crap, too, but I try to make the 3 main meals healthful. And then I read The Mood Cure because Paxil made me dead and made my hair fall out (!!!) so I needed a more naturopathic form of anti-anxiety medication. And the diet they recommend is basically The Zone with more butter, and then amino acid supplements.

For me, I found that sugar makes me crazy, and makes my butt fat. Alcohol makes me groggy and depressed if I have more than a glass, and makes my butt fat. By changing my diet for my mental health, rather for a cosmetic reason, I got the somewhat skinnier butt to go with it.

I'm certainly not one to judge, but for those that are considering the sugar-water diet, perhaps look up what that does to your insulin levels, especially if you've got a history of diabetes in your family. And also consider what happens to your brain when it doesn't get protein. It can't make seratonin and other good-feeling brain chemicals, so if you're prone to depression this can be a big problem. Just something to be awake to as you go through it.

[Lisa V]

I think you should start the Suburban Bliss Pants Exchange. Any pants that don't fit someone (too big or small) gets exchanged for pants that fit.

We could put the damn jeans companies out of business, because we wouldn't have to constantly buy new jeans.

Aah if only it were possible.

[Lisa V]

Gee after READING other's comments, I don't have an original idea do I?

[emily]

Glad you're in a slightly better mind set,I've been thinking about you.

[Angel]

Sorry about the cold ((Hugs))

[kelly]

ooooh how I love your blog!!! I live in waterford and i know how you feel. I am always asking myself how and when did my body change? Yes 2 children can greatly alter my body, but by so much?? I am up for the unconditional love I have for my kids, but Christ Almighty did they have to declare complete nuclear war on my ass? Also I think most MOM'S Club's are scary. Scarier than high school, with it's clicks and acne and keg parties. I went ahead and started my own woman's group. We do things that woman with children need to do, like DRINK and EAT fattening food. YIPPPEE! Are next BRUHAHA is at FORTE in Birmingham, why don't you drag a few sisters over?? It's on Tuesday, sept. 27 at 7:00. The detroit news will be there to give us a little street cred! kelly

[schmutzie]

Ever since I read your last post, I have been thinking about what you wrote, how I relate so much to it, how I wished I could make you believe in your beauty. I don't believe in mine, but that's beside the point. The body issue struggle is a difficult one because it is layered like an onion, and I wish I could make sense of it myself. I'll let you know if I ever do. Until then, I'm thinking of you.

[styro]

Fuck the nyquil, I've got a bottle of Wild Turkey and some Emergen-C: mix it together and it's MMM MMM GOOD!

[AndreainJapan]

I am glad your perspective has changed slightly healthier. Doesnt fix things but it is a much safer state of mind.
I am glad that you and your husband talked things through.
Have you made any decisions one your childrens schools?
Good luck with that. Finding good Education is almost harder than loosing weight.
And Nyquil ROCKS!!!!

[Sarcomical]

i'm glad you feel at least a little bolstered by the support, but oh crap i feel sorry about your stupid stupid cold. hope you feel better soon!

you know, i hear you on the minimal commitment thing. i never feel like doing ANYthing. they say it takes 6 weeks to to turn something new you're doing into a habit. ...dammit.

[Denise]

Do you really think Lexapro is part of the culprit?? I, too, am heavier than I have ever been - steadily gaining for the last year. Since I switched from Celexa to Lexapro. Hmmm... Interesting theory.

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

When I posted about my ED I got several supportive comments that helped a lot, but not a huge sense of "These people are going through this with me".
Thank you for this.

[FlippyO]

Clearly I'm getting too much spam, as I read ED as Erectile Dysfunction. Took me a minute to figure out what it meant.

[maia]

When I feel like crap about what I feel like (usually my weight) the best remedy is to get off my butt and DO something. A walk with the dogs, a crazily energized house clean, some stupid dancing to the radio. Something. That makes me feel better (sick, I know..)I can whine bitch and complain till the cows come home but that does little to help me feel I have some control over my body.

If I spend two days in a row doing something active for ME I feel much better. My muscles feel toner, my mental health better. My attitude is take it one step at a time. Literally.

There is no magic cure. No potion. (No fairness!), just find something you enjoy to do which is active and do it Melissa. My thing is the pool. I go in the deep end and while my kids enjoy the facility I tread water. Literally. Once in awhile I feel confident enough to swim some laps with the 'real' swimmers but mostly I tread water in the deep end (or just move my arms and legs around a lot, enjoying the resistance of the water in the shallower end). And I feel so good when I get out.

I hate to admit my doc is right but the anti-depressants only go so far, the rest IS helped by exercise. (Damn her. Bitch!)

[Sofsmom]

Thanks for writing what I'm living.

[Prissy]

Melissa, I am a nurse and can tell you that your Lexapro can be to blame as well as the reason you are taking it.Depression causes problems with appetite. Lexapro itself can cause weight loss or gain, increased or decreased appetite. It is hard, don't beat yourself up over it. I was working out and had lost 30 lbs until I got sick. I had a flare up of an old back injury and pneumonia right after that. Two courses of prednisone and IV Solumedrol are a death sentence. I gained all 30 pounds back and then some. I am bigger than I have ever been in my life right now. I just had surgery, but I plan to start working out and get back where I was. It's awful, I could cry every time I see myself. But it is what it is. I sold all my big pants in a yard sale & I bought new stuff that I can't wear now. I could cry, I lost the weight before lifting weights and walking. I used Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds DVD's and a $89 weight bench with a $20 set of weights my husband got me for my anniversary. Everyone thought I should be mad, but he knew that I was not happy. That was his way of helping. I know he loves me. It is just that sometimes they don't know how to help and they end up hurting you. You sound so sad, I know Logan has to have picked up on that. He may think he is "helping". You know how men are. If you ever need to vent I will listen.I think you are beautiful too , but my friend always told me "You've seen yourself naked, anything I say is not going to change how you feel". I love your site and think you are a very talented writer. If I can help in any way, let me know.

[Emily G.]

I hope you feel better (about the cold and the body image stuff, although I imagine the cold will go away first). Best of luck with both. You are a really interesting woman and I think there's a lot more to you than just your physical body.

[Jenny]

I find that I have to have a lot of variety in workouts, or I get bored and quit. I wish you luck in finding the right activites to keep you motivated - hopefully you can find some activities that make you smile. Have you tried rollerblading?

[Shelly]

Damn you and your shoes post! I spent the entire evening looking at shoes online and now I want to buy these:
http://tinyurl.com/buvew
and about 100 other pairs I happened to bookmark. Sheesh!

[21stCenturyMom]

This comment is in reference to your 'shoe' post but it isn't about shoes so I'm putting it here. If you like walking you might like listening to audio books while you walk. The library usually has tons on cassette or you can buy them from audible.com. I have the $14.95/mo subscription which used to get you a free MP3 player and you get 1 book a month. I always pick books that are at least 6 hours long. My rule is that I can't listen to the book unless I am out walking (or running as I am these days) or taking a LONG car ride (running around town doesn't count). I actually found myself making time for walks because I wanted to listen to the book. I can't say the same for running because I'm running more and liking it less but the books help.

And fuck these people who tell you WHAT exercise to do. No one can tell you the BEST thing, only what works for them. Sadly, too few people know the difference.