The first day of school was never so awkward!

This morning I said good bye to Logan who is gone to New York City for the week. Of course he's staying in lovely Secaucus, New Jersey. Which I like to call Sebaceous New Jersey, which is mean to say but somehow makes me feel better when Logan tells me about the restaurants and places he's hoping to see while in town. He's even threatened me with the possibility of seeing Alice and Henry and Scott and the thought of that makes my arms go numb with envy.

Today is my actual birthday. I celebrated by taking my son to school with the Third Reich, I mean, Presbyterians. I would show you a picture, strategically taken to avoid any images of other children, of his joyful face in front of his coat hook, but then we'd have to leave the school because the school knows better than I do what is okay for my own child! Hey! Never before have I felt like my camera was a weapon of mass destruction.

I've requested that the "Technology Agreement" be amended, at the suggestion of my attorney, to read "No photographs capturing any student or staff of [blank] preschool or area of the preschool shall be used in any public forum....."

Because the current policy would prevent me from publishing any photo of my child or my friend's children or any other child in the world in any setting whatsoever. It also prevents me from allowing my son to do the occassional modeling he does for Logan's company....which legally they can do. They are a private school, they can make whatever ridiculous rules they want.

I am certainly hoping they've miscommunicated what they are intending to do: Protect children from what they see as a danger. Of course, I don't know why they have rules which infringe on my personal rights. In or even out of the school setting.

It really irritates me and Logan suggested I spend some time thinking about why it is that when someone tells me what I can or can not say or do I get so horribly upset about it. Because it's true I feel an indignance inside of me which is far out of proportion to what is actually happening here.

Perhaps I'll look for the answer to that but for now I'm planning to accept the ban on photography (amusing side note: the school is asking for a volunteer classroom photographer!) because the truth is I didn't take many pictures of school events last year. I made one fatal mistake and I would gladly leave if I did that stupid thing again.

For now I am accepting the ban (with the agreement rewritten to only include students of the school during school hours and field trips), and also searching for a new school for my child, in case the ban actually does extend beyond what is appropriate to protect students of the school. I can accept protecting the rights of other people's children. I understand it fully.

I do not understand trampling my personal rights to do it.

I haven't pulled Max because he's comfortable there and I've never had a problem with the teachers before. This is a direct result of an overreactive mother and the school's attempt to appease her. Which is sad but there will always be an aggravating mother in every group of people. Also his four best pals go to school there and it would be unfortunate for my website to take that from him.

I've requested certain information from the director of the school and still haven't received anything from her. The amended wording, a definition of what criteria is used to grant permission to publish pictures of my own child and his friends and I would also like to know how this 'clause' is enforced. Through complaints from parents that their child has appeared on my website without permission? Because I can personally guarantee in the name of Christ Almighty I will not publish a picture of any child without their parents permission ever again. EVER.

I just don't know how many times I can say that.

Comments

[libbyfish]

Happy Birthday!!!

[kristine]

You know what would piss me off more than anything?

The fact that someone from the school has become the Suburbian Bliss Police.

SOMEONE, who has nothing better to do, has to come to your site everyday to make sure you haven't broken any school laws.

THAT would piss me off.

[crabby]

happy birthday?

[Nancy]

Happy Birthday, Melissa! You and my little daughter and my youngest sister are all Virgos. I've never met a Virgo that I didn't like. Enjoy your day.

[elisabeth]

happy birthday!! and i know what you mean about "don't TELL ME I CAN"T DO THAT" feeling. it practically guarantees that I WILL do it ;-)

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

It's a religous school, so I suppose I shouldn't be so shocked that they are acting that petty and small minded, but shocked I am.
What's so infuriating to me is that this clause was created due to you. They didn't have the decency to sit down with you and talk over the issue, they created a blanket clause that they are probably perfectly aware of how much it violates your rights.
Happy Birthday. Get drunk or something :)

[clickmom]

Happy Birthday!

Logan can hang with me instead of Alice & crew, and then you wouldn't feel so bad because 1. you don't love me yet and 2. I am fat, as opposed to goddess thin like Alice (but not for long)

Also, regarding the photos, this is the most absurd reaction I can imagine. As I am sure you know, a model release is easy to obtain, and you can ask any parents giving permission to post their kids photos to sign one. Just don't take it on the school grounds. I would love to see the school make a stink about it, and you could wipe the floor with them.

Do not fear, your internet community will support you.

[Nicole]

Happy birthday!

I'm sorry that you're dealing with the fallout of a rabid mom who needs a life so she can stop shitting on yours.

By the way, if my kids ever appeared on your website, I would be SO PROUD. http://www.flickr.com/photos/nicketysplit/

[Marie]

I must have commented on the previous post right as you were posting this one. Sounds like you have it all together and in proper perspective, Melissa. Happy Birthday!

[Shelley]

Oh good lord, it's your birthday? Really? It's my birthday too!

Happy Happy Birthday!

[susan]

I have a photoblog for my sons, because I got tired of trying to send pictures to everyone in our huge extended family. Every once in a while, one of our nieces or a playdate wind up in a picture that I think I might like to post. My strategy for obtaining parental consent to publish the pictures is to say to the parent, while blinding them with my flash, 'HeyI'mgoingtopostthisontheboyswebsiteokayI'llsendyouthelinkthanks!' and then run away.

So far, it's working pretty well.

And happy birthday!

[madge]

I find it even more annoying and overreaching that the clause is in EXTRA LARGE AND BOLDED TYPE.

Happy, happy birthday. I'm wearing my momtini shirt today in honor of you.

[karyn]

I wish I could offer something useful to say about the photo. debacle, but I can't.

Instead, for your birthday pleasure, I saw this today and immediately thought of you. Do enjoy.

http://www.shopnwf.com/441394.html

In other news, my friend had a little girl today, so you have a birthday buddy!

[Amy]

Oh, Happy Birthday Melissa!!

It's my mom's borthday too. My parents can't get out much so I am sending them a steak dinner tonight.

Here's to two great Mom's who share a birthday!

They'll work this thing out about the photos I'm sure.

[JenfromBoston]

Happy Birthday, Melissa!

My sister kate got the Momtini shirt for *her* birthday a few weeks back.

Here she is modeling it. She loved it.
http://oncemore.typepad.com/once_morewith_feeling/2005/08/oopah_daydee_ka.html

The Clause? (which I'm coining it "The Claws" due to it being a direct function of one woman's bitchfest) yeah, it's nice how they now get to infringe upon *your* personal rights. Hope you at least get the rewording.

Happy Birthday again.

[AmyinMotown]

Happy Birthday!

Completely off topic but quickly, sort of, arching around again to the topic at hand--I saw your Little Sis's band at the Dally. The band rocked! We all liked them a lot.

And, while we were standing there minding our own business, some creep tried to get a picture of my baby girl in her stroller. He was being completely unsubtle about it, so I kind of postioned myself and my husband so he would have to march right up in front of us and snap it if he was going to. He lurked for awhile, then left. THEN, while we were sitting down eating and feeding her, these guys behind us said something about feeling really uncomfortable because this guy just took their picture. I didn't see the guy but figured it must be the same one. Comments on your last post freaked me out even more, that pedophiles apparently like the clothed and cute photos! IS there ANY reason someone would take a photo of a complete stranger's baby without asking? Especially if the mom SAW the person doing it?? And there's a band with three attractive women in it playing five feet away??

That being said, this mom and the school needs to get over themselves. After this scary experience, I would probably not give permission for her photo to be posted, and if someone did so I would ask that it be removed, but I remember your HUGELY apologetic and nice email back to her and I wold certainly be mollified by that. You clearly showed consideration for her feelings and to make a stink out of it at the admnistration level? Sheesh.

[LivSinned]

Hi!
I've been reading your column for quite a while now and I really enjoy it. You have a sarcastic sense of humor that I appreciate. Maybe it's a Virgo thing....my birthday is today too. I get to celebrate with dinner tonite w/the husband but w/o the 1 year old. Yippee!!

I'll have to get my nerve up and say 'hi' next time I see you bop around dwtn RO (your shirt gives you away).

Hope you at least get a momtini for yourself tonite.

Cheers!

[crystal]

happy birthday!

[Saple]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

[Liz in Maryland]

Happy Birthday Melissa! Mine is tomorrow, and we Virgos just like to be in control. Have a great day.

[KellyH]

Happy birthday!

Isn't Alice still in Italy?

[Kim]

Have a great birthday :)

[Crits]

Happy B-day, my dear and DON'T let The Man get you down Sista'~

[sarah gilbert]

happy birthday - I didn't realize our birthdays were so close... and i haven't had my kids in preschool long enough to trigger my own clause! all my friends understand that, if i take pictures of their kids, they could AT ANY MOMENT see their impossible cuteness on blogging baby :) it's just the wages of being my friend!

[Carrie]

Happy, Happy, Birthday to you!

[Ninotchka]

Happy Birthday, Melissa!

I'm the same way. Tell me I can't do something and it makes me want to do just that even if I had no intention of doing it before.

Not very mature, really, but stupid and absolutely transparent actions like that amendment in your school rules really do piss me off. I mean, let it go already, people!

[Nancy]

Happy Birthday!

You know, I guess I could see if the school's clause made it clear that piotures containing students along with obvious identifiers of the school (in front of the school with the sign out front) could not be published -- because then potential wrongdoers could have a way to track down the school and/or students. But how can they complain if you post a picture of your kid and friends' kids (assuming permission granted) standing in front of something generic like a blank wall inside the school, where there are no obvious ways for the location to be identified? Don't many day cares look similar inside? Seems extremely paranoid, to me. Not to mention stupid and restrictive.

[suz]

I TOTALLY am the same way when it comes to the "you can or can't do ___" game.

Just last week I was "reminded" of the half hour lunch period - naturally I'm searching for jobs as a result.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY - I love reading your stuff.

[Emily]

Happy Birthday!

[veg4me]

The best birthday present you could have is NOT being in Secaucus. We used to drive through there on the way to my great-grandma's house when I was little.

Many a time I almost passed out from holding my breath as we drove through. The stench could only be outdone by the Perdue chicken plant we passed on our way to the Outer Banks of NC each summer.

Poor Logan.

[Melizzard]

Happy Birthday!

[aderyn]

happy birthday, melissa. mine is in 10 days.

[mamaloo]

I think my blood pressure actually went up from reading The Claws! It must be the old punk in me, but I'd be posting as many images as possible. And then I'd be telling them to stuff their ridiculous Christian heads up their arses. But, we don't have private preschools up here in Canada. Though, I'm sure I'll discover that you can't take photos at the public ones, either.

We weren't allowed to photograph Kieran's first time in a swimming pool during this year's family reunion. If I was a cartoon, my head would have turned into a lion and I would have roared and drops of spittle would have come out of my fangy, roaring mouth.

[Jenn]

It would be a shame if their ridiculous policy caused you to have to pull Max out of there. It is horrifying to think they are so militant about *all* pictures. Ridiculous!

On another note, I do hope you have a Happy Birthday, Melissa.

[Julie]

Happy birthday!

While shopping back in NJ, I once overheard a group of gay guys refer to Secaucus as "See Cock Us". Silly me, I thought seeing cocks was the activite du jour in Chelsea. Never mind.

Maybe I'm still too rebellious for my own good, but I'd drop it and do whatever I wanted. Yes, it's stupid, wrong (not because of the spirit of it, but because of the letter of it), infuriating - but is it worth a fight? What will they DO if you break the rule? Kick Max out of school? Sue you? I just don't see it.

I know, it's a matter of principle for you, and I can respect that. Just don't give yourself a heart attack over their stupidity.

[Sarah]

Happy Birthday!!!

[MelissaS]

That's all well and good and actually once I've looked into a few other schools I'm going to do as I please (protecting the identity of any children I do not have permission to photograph and identifying details.

However, I'd rather not have Max removed from the school and friends he loves because of a stupid clause meant to 'protect' children from my lethal website.

The clause clearly states, I'll face a review of my affiliation with the snooty school.

[Julie]

Got it - but what I meant was what the hell does "a review of your affiliation" actually constitute in terms of consequences, for you and for Max?

And I do sympathize - I considered pulling Tacy from her old school when they informed me that she would be required to wear a uniform (and produced paperwork that I had signed which included a clause concerning the possible requirement to wear a uniform). Yes, I could have bought uniforms and kept quiet about it. But I told them flat out that I wasn't going to comply because it was illogical (a TWO year old, in a UNIFORM?), and they dropped the requirement. I'm hoping that Max's school will do the same when you speak to them.

[Kma]

GRRR. I am so mad for you. I hate being told what to do, especially via poorly drafted attempts at "legal" documents.

Happy Birthday anyway :)

[ann]

does logan wanna hang in weehawken? we could do lunch at houli's if he's available this week -- next trip, you must come! happy birthday!!

[Angel]

Have a wonderful birthday :)))

[sally]

Right on! Happiest of Birthdays!

May you smite the confounding rulers of the photographs with your reason and wit.

Cheers!

[Colleen]

Keep fighting the clause.

Happy Birthday!!!

[jen_milo]

Happy Birthday! First time poster...I stopped by to show you this:

http://www.babypolitico.com/product_detail_obama.html

You gotta get it for Maddie or Max for your birthday!

[LOD]

Secaucus is rather sebaceous, come to think of it.

[Angie]

Oh. My. God.

Wow. Just... wow. I'm a professional photojournalist for a newspaper. I have a healthy respect for the right to privacy and parents' perogative to protect their children however they see fit, and I always cheerfully agree to adhere with whatever rules the school has in place.

I get frustrated when the school isn't sure what their own policy is. Like, there's a Media List, but the school secretaries can't remember if that list is kids who *can* appear or if it's kids who *can't.* Um... okay...? "Is there someone who can help figure out which it is?" No?

Or they invite (read: call the paper repeatedly and ask if someone will pleasepleaseplease come do a story because they kids worked so hard on their essays/inventions/presidents' day poems) and then say, "Gosh, no! We didn't think the photos in the newspaper would show the children's FACES?!?! Lordy be, what if a serial killer read that 1,000-circulation weekly community insert this week! Save the women and children! GAAAH!"

I can appreciate the sentiment, but why pester my editor for coverage, then? Still, I have never, ever heard of a school restricting PARENTS. That's unbelievable.

If it makes you feel better, here is my craziest example of a paranoid parent. I'm doing a story about unique birthday party with the weekly, 1,000-circulation community insert section. A local pet store hosts parties where the kids get to pet bunnies and guinea pigs, watch Finding Nemo, blow out the candles and the birthday child usually gets a goldfish or a hamster, whatever the parents decide to do.

I ask a mother who is there hovering over her son, a guest at the party, if it's okay to take a photo of him petting a rabbit for the newspaper. She says no, because she's afraid that an "Islamic terrorist" will read this birthday party story in our teeny, tiny paper, see a photo of her son petting a rabbit, connect his name (which is the same as her brother-in-law) to the fact that the brother-in-law owns a successful chain of diners in New Jersey (not the state I live in), and make the diners (and the family, I presume) a target for jihad because they "have successfully lived the American Dream."

I wish I was making that up, but even more than that, I wish I could give that child a lifetime gift certificate to therapy.

[dragonlady474]

In response to Angie:
Unbelievable... some people should not be allowed to procreate. The lady sounds like she needs a therapist.

[Melissa W]

Happy bday-mine is the day before yours.
New shirt request

"virgo moms...it's a control thing"

[Lucy]

Happy birthday! I admire your self-control so far when it comes to dealing with the school... I think I would have blown up about 40 times over already.

[flea]

Happy Birthday!

As for the rest of what you've written, I have to say it sounds like you're in training for the Bullshit Olympics.

"How much bullshit can M. Summers take before she collapses under the weight?"

And I don't even know what to say about Angie's post.

[Guero]

Happy Birthday (one day too late....)

Come on, tell the school how you really feel! Of course they will change the clause, it's beyond stupid the way it's written now.
You don't like people telling you what to do and what you can't do? It's a Virgo thing. I'm the same way myself.

Good luck

H

[Molly]

Happy Birthday all the way from the UK!

[bridget]

happy b-day from Colorado

have a blessed year!

[Dave]

Melissa,

Obviously this comes from a total stranger, and a man, on the internet. But comments are open as is your blog...

As your husband suggests you need to evaulate the strength of your response to this unfair issue. Truly in life we need to pick our battles. In your heart of hearts I think you know that as long as you don't post pictures of other kids (and I know you won't again) on your site there won't be any real issue. If the school fails to reamend the issue in your writing are you REALLY going to pull your son from a good school with teachers and friends he likes? I assume preschool for him will only be a year or two more and while you may someday explain the stand on principle you made I doubt very much the pride he may feel for you in the future will be outweighed by the pain he may suffer for a change in school.

Only you and your husband are his parents, your choice will be the best one. However consider that teaching your son to pick his battles for the greatest gain is not such a bad lesson in life, despite the bitter pills we sometimes swallow.

Good luck.

[MelissaS]

Now 'Dave', I didn't ask for advice did I. Remember what I said about requests for advice being clearly labeled.

And yes I really will pull him unless I have confirmation that I am allowed to post pictures of my own child without begging the school for permission.

Thanks though for your opinion. 'Dave'

[Sara J]

Sort of a newbie to your blog, so forgive me. How did you know this was about you? And where are the pictures you talk about from last year? Sorry, just trying to catch up. Fight the fight, and happy birthday!!!!!!!

[fayrene]

Why do you have to think about why it pisses you off? Do you mean there are people in the world who DON'T get angry when someone tells them what to do? Gah! What is that like?

[Kelli L]

You're birthday, wow. Another year closer to death.

[MelissaS]

Now Kelli, that's so impolite.

[Jen]

We share the same birthday! I have a friend who celebrates her birthday for every decade! So if you are thirty you get three days to celebrate your special day. She gives her children up to the highest bidder...okay, her parents... and she spends her day doing what she wants to do. This year I earned 4.5 days and I spent my days reading and ignoring the world. Next year I hope you get the days you have earned! Happy B-Day Melissa!

[DM]

Yes, Melissa, you're obviously overreacting because the school has told you that you can't post a picture of ANY child which does seem to mean that you can't post a picture of your own child on your own blog. That's nothing to get upset about.

The above paragraph was sarcasm, by the way. Please. It's a load of crap. The director should get back to you about this. All you're really asking is that they reword it so you know what the requirements are. That's not so hard to do, right?

[Kelly]

Happy (belated) birthday Melissa. As a photographer, I understand your frustration with the school policy, and further, I don't understand how they think they can dictate what you do with images of your OWN CHILD. Are they really trying to do that? If so, it's ludicrous, and (were I you) I'd keep posting photos of your adorable kids, even if they're photos taken by you on school property. Not only are you their MOTHER, nobody is more concerned about protecting them from Islamic terrorists or other bitchy mothers, than you. Further, and I'm not lawyer, but as far as I understand copyright law, according to the U.S. Copyright Law (http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/html/uscode17/usc_sec_17_00000201----000-.html) you are, as creator of a work, (in this case photography) the owner of that work, and free to do with it what you will. Can the school legally prohibit you from your copyright? Especially when you have gained permission from the minors mother (you) to post it?

Can they do that, by law? And that's not even going into the sheer ridiculousness of trying to prohibit you from photographing your own children, wherever you may please.

I don't know why this is firing me up so much. I guess because if someone told me I couldn't post pictures of my own kids, I'd be pissed.