Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

Happy Halloween.

You're going to have to do you and me a favor before you go any further into this post. Go to the bathroom and empty your bladder. Logan's costume I talked about before, the one which turned my brain into a piece of swiss cheese, turned out awesome.

I left out the part where the house smelled so horrible and I was drifting in and out of conciousness and we had to sleep with the windows open even though it was 40 degrees outside. Logan wanted to have sex! But not just a quickie while covered up with warm blankets. No. This is making you uncomfortable isn't it? Me too. Have you gone to the bathroom yet?

Here it is.

He's a Shriner! With a little car! But that's really not the funniest part. The best photos from the entire Halloween 2005 set are the ones where Logan is watching our friend Mark singing 'Piano Man'. He looks like a Shriner at a convention center and I almost don't want to show you because the minute I start looking I laugh hysterically.

Oh well. Here you go:

Look, I warned you about emptying your bladder.

I'm also sorry because there are so many of these pictures I love that I'm going to make this into a really annoying photo post even though you could just go to Flickr and see them all on your own time. Oh well! Logan's been fighting the Irish Flu (which when you look at the photos isn't surprising) and I'm a little tired tonight.

You're wondering what I was for the party aren't you? I was "What Was Available" since I acted like a 10-year-old and waited until the last minute. Why I didn't think to be a 50's housewife to go with my Shriner is a question I have no answer for. I suck.

Logan wasn't that drunk here but was playing it up. Here he screams at my friend Stephanie's faux pregnant belly. (She was a shotgun bride left at the alter.)

The last shot I'll highlight isn't so much funny as it is so ridiculous I must share it. While going to the bathroom I saw this rubber rat on the floor. I somehow decided it would be so funny to carry the rat around and then all my favorite friends wanted to do karaoke. I don't know what we sang but I do remember people asking why I was holding that rat.

I don't know. I. Don't. Know.

Just look how retardedly happy I look to be holding that stupid rat. I'm not even singing. I'm just standing there thinking, "Ha ha! I'm holding a rat!" What the hell.

Thank you Leslie and Tom for letting my husband come to your home and make a fool of himself. That's always fun. Also, promise me you'll look at the whole set because my God in heaven it took me a long ass time to upload them all. Jesus.

Time to Flog the Babies.

I'm so sorry for being gone. I've been very very busy Flogging the Babies. If you know what I mean. Well that and also absolutely nothing is happening.

I wanted to write but my entire house smells like a toxic waste dump and I think I'm beginning to fade in and out of conciousness.

It smells this way because somehow Logan went from this in preparation for the party we're going to this weekend: "Bah! I hate Halloween! I don't want to dress up. Screw this!"

To this:

"I have the most awesome idea for a costume and I'm going to spend 48 billable hours in the basement working on it. It's also going to involve spray paint and the most horrific spray adhesive fumes which will slowly eat holes in your brain and you will die and then you won't be able to attend the party with me and ruin my cool costume with your really lame last minute thrown together thing."

You know I would tell you what the costume is, except Logan would kill me if I did. If the fumes haven't created a sponge out of my brain by Sunday and also if I'm not too hungover I'll share the pictures from the party Saturday.

This party will have almost all of Logan's favorite things: drinks, costumes, fusball and karaoke. The only thing missing will be the self torture of running too much. Though I am tempted to go as him to the party. I'd wear his marathon medal and his running clothes and I'd color my toenails black and tell everyone about them all night.

Love means never having to look at your disgusting toenails.

The marathon is over and thank you Jesus for that. He did it with no pooping and without hallucinating or plunging off the Ambassador Bridge. He made it through training without me breaking his ankle with a baseball bat as I sort of wanted to. When he was done he smelled so incredibly horrible, he went to hug me and I gagged over his shoulder. He smelled so bad it brought tears to his eyes, or maybe that was the sense of relief and accomplishment he was crying about.

I realized how much I love Logan because I hate everything about that marathon. I hate all the pasta the week before and the changes in our weekend plans to accomodate his running and the never ending talk about the running and the toenails falling off and the discussions about poop and yes, you could say overall I hate the entire experience.

In spite of all that, I was still happy for him and my joy had nothing to do with me. I was only happy because he was happy. I was happy in spite of how unhappy this stupid hobby makes me most of the time.

I was happy for him.

Okay....maybe I was a little happy it's over. Until next year. Damn it.

There are quite a few pictures of the day on Flickr if you're interested in that type of thing.

Update: Hey! While browsing Flickr photos I found this great photo of Logan and his running pal, John. It's the best picture we have since I didn't get my camera up fast enough to catch him running. Thank you Mainegal!

French kissing may be involved....

$2,137.00! 4% of the total fundraising goal for the entire event!

Our make out session just turned decidedly more appreciative.

I hope this helps Logan keep the 'trots' at bay. I hope this helps cure MS that much faster.

I love you, Internet.

Come here Internet, it's make out time.

Remember how I asked if you'd like to help raise money for MS by sponsoring Logan's marathon on Sunday? I was thinking this week how I should have made it more fun by asking you to donate money for each alcoholic and caffeinated beverage Logan gave up this week. Or, we could have done it as a fundraiser with donations for all the drinks I drank this week just because Logan's wasn't drinking. The poor thing.

But no, I didn't have to do that even though I wish I did. I'd really have to drink a lot of beers to raise the $1672.00 you and Logan's co-workers and Missy's family and friends raised. I'm just flabbergasted by the number. He was hoping to raise $100 for MS.....instead you all helped him raise over sixteen times that amount.

And that is why on Sunday the Internet better be at my house for a big fat make out session of appreciation. Logan's going to the Runner's Expo tonight and then afterwards!? Out for pasta! With another lunatic who's running in this crazy thing.

He asked if I wanted to go and you can imagine what kind of reaction that got. An evening surrounded by a bunch of lunatics and all their gear? No thank you. I mean, no offense, to those people who like to run. I don't want to be black or white on the topic of runners. I'm sure some people who run until poop runs down their leg and their toenails fall off are sane. I just don't know them.

Oh God, Internet, let's not talk and ruin this magic moment.

Last Summer

Thank you so much for your congrats and well wishes. On that day I worked on my 'This Day' submission I kept a journal mostly hour by hour, specifically for the project.

It was a time when I was unmedicated, running to try and break my depression and facing endlessly long days where I could barely motivate myself to accomplish anything. I still get a tear in my eye when I remember that horrible summer.

I thought I'd share one part of my submission from our visit to the zoo. I was talking about MOMS Club here and things had already started to come apart on that end, but it was going to get a lot worse.

In other news I killed Max today after a horrific tantrum. He's dead. I'll be blogging about my trial and jail time on FloggingBaby.

Gray.

One of the things I've noticed about the conservative people I've gotten to know, a disportionate majority (not you C.L.A.M.S....because I know you are compassionate thinkers) of those people are incredibly black or white about their thinking. Things are either right or wrong. Good or bad.

They think of this as knowing "right or wrong" but I think of it as a desire and need to fit everything in the world into a set of compartments. To be unable to see things in shades of gray.

I find myself irritatingly unable to see things in black or white. While black or white would make my life so. much. easier. to understand. It's also an incredibly simplistic way to look at the world.

Not seeing life in black or white requires far more complex understanding of the world. I pity people who can not see things in shades of gray.

This Day

I have some lovely news, news I've been sitting on for over a year now.

Remember last summer when I lost my mind? I fantasized about dipping my children in chocolate and eating them? I also cried about 'The Big Deal' a lot? That was a really fun summer!

Early in that summer of my discontent I heard about a project from Julie Moos who was my editor when I wrote for DotMoms. A book had already been written, collecting diaries from American women on one day in a year and then they made a book out of it. I went ahead and put my name in with the other 493 participants.

Some women I greatly admire as writers partcipated and when I heard Eve Pearlman was writing for the project I thought, 'Okay, never mind, I'll never be picked.' When I heard Julia S would be writing as well, "I said, there is absolutely nothing I could write which would be more compelling than even Julia's grocery list."

Instead of giving up, on June 29, 2004, I ignored the fact that far more interesting women than Melissa Summers were attempting to be published in a book.

On Max's first day of preschool, over a year ago, I was interviewed for my 'Author Profile'. Surreal is the only way to describe that experience. Out of the 493 participants in the 'This Day: 2004' project, 34 diaries were chosen to be published in full.

Melissa Summers was one of those chosen. Melissa Summers is on a list with Johnny and June Cash's daughter Rosanne. Which is sort of not that important to me but freaks Logan right out because his favorite karaoke tune is Johnny Cash's 'Ring Of Fire' and it burns, oh it burns.

Also, it freaks Logan out when I talk about myself in the third person.

So for over a year I've been sitting on this news, but the other day Joni Cole emailed me the review from Publishers Weekly, which said, among other lovely things, "There is not one piece in this compilation that is not captivating."

Also the book is officially being released in December and it's up for pre-order on Amazon and that means it's finally real and I can tell the internet about it. I'm going to be printed in an actual book!

I beat the shit out of myself on a day to day basis. To be chosen to have my day diary published over some of the women I admire so much is such an amazing honor.

So for today I'll stop calling myself a lazy fat ass. I'm going to be published in an actual book and that is incredibly amazing.

Watching the Millers

Yesterday I got to watch my friend's adorable kids, including Caroline who I stalk in the night outside her bedroom window because I love her that much. When Andrea came to pick up her three daughters I said, "Oh, but you only dropped off two. But don't go in Maddie's room."

I would have tried to take all of them really but she definitely would have noticed if she didn't have any kids. I thought maybe if one out of three was missing, maybe it wouldn't be a big deal. I mean she'd still have two adorable and sweet little girls, and I could walk around with Caroline all day waiting for her to make me laugh. Because that's what she does, makes me look like an idiot giggling at everything she does.

Andrea wouldn't let me keep her though, she said something about her husband being "upset" if she didn't bring home all her kids. I said, "Fine, then take everyone."

And she did! She took my kids home with her too! And three hours later when I went to pick them up (finding crafts and even paint strewn about the dining room) my children cried and clung to Andrea and begged her not to let me take them away from this happy place.

I tore my children from her arms and took them back to a world where there are no crafts, only work! Endless work!

¡Son madre de los rodillos del pelo del velcro!

I had a dream last night where I was moved to nearly homicidal rage because my mother kept referring to my velcro rollers as "Mexican Rollers".

The odd thing is that 14 hours later I still kind of want to call my mom and scream into the phone, "They're VELCRO MOTHER!!!!"

Today Max has a playdate with a very sweet and nice little boy and I have an Awkward Parental Playdate with his mother, you can read about it at Flogging Baby if you'd like. Someone suggested I bring a cooking project over for us to do together. I'd like to just bring a good book and read silently while our kids play quite honestly.

I'd like to add here in the safety of my own web space: she is very religious and you may have picked up on this website that I have a cold dead place in my heart where  organized religion (before you send me email or comment, please note I did not say "where God and Jesus) would normally go. Please don't let her witness me.

Please. Please. Please. Also, please don't let her read this website.

PS. Thank you SO MUCH for all your donations. Logan decided to run for MS in the last two weeks and set his goal at a small $100. He upped it to $500 after getting a good response from his co workers and you all have helped him up his goal to $1000 and I'm sure he'll be able to get there.

Thank you.

Run Logan, Run

One day Madison said to Logan's friend Missy, "Why are you always smiling?"

And because I'm a very bad mother I thought, 'Because she doesn't have any kids!'

But really even when I didn't have any kids I still didn't smile like Missy. Missy is a genuinely happy and optimistic person. I've always been surprised at how well she and Logan get along since typically people that are like you kind of start to annoy you. But it seems Logan and Missy had enough in common to get past the fact that they were both competing in the Most Optimistic Citizen 2004 pageant.

For example, Logan and Missy enjoy running. They like to run until they have to poop and they think it's an amusing side effect of running. Not a deal breaker. They could, and also have, spent hours at a time comparing dead toenails, and neither one gags.

Once while having dinner with Missy and Logan I noted, 'If you two were a couple no one would ever want to spend time with either of you."

I've remarked before how I sometimes wish I'd break my ankle so I wouldn't need to run anymore or feel guilty for not doing it. It's true I'm actually lazy at my very core. Which is why it really hurt when Missy was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Missy is young and active and she actually enjoys running and biking with an undeniable passion, which if you ask me, is the real illness.

MS threatens to change the things Missy loves doing and that doesn't seem fair to me.

Logan is running a marathon in a couple of weekends and has decided to raise money for the MS Society in Missy's name. I'm praying there is a cure for MS in the not so distant future so that Missy can run until her toenails fall off if she so chooses.

Because if Logan doesn't have someone to share that experience with....guess who's going to be stuck listening to him babble on and on about his disgusting missing toenails?

If you'd like to help the MS Society and Missy by pledging money to Logan for his "Toe Nail Dropping, Pants Crapping* Marathon" you can go here to make a secure epledge.

*This is not the real name of the marathon. It's actually called "The Ass Clenching Long Fucking Run Through Detroit"

Bad Things Keep Happening.

Last night when I picked up the pizza for the kids I dropped my extra change in their 'Hurricane Katrina Relief" jar.

The manager said, "We're going to have to change the label to the next tragedy..."

That made me cry in the car, because it's true, the bad things keep happening.

Madison's Vacation

Here is a collection of Madison's photos from our vacation at flickr.

(Click on Jimi for the set.)

It's similar to mine but involves a lot more butts. See?

I love this one:

And this one:

I like how she framed this shot, which is more than likely an accident.

Also you can thank me later for not sharing all the pictures she took of the horses on Mackinac Island. Holy God, there were literally thirty of them. And still I will never buy her a horse.

Pillow Talk

My stomach gurgles while we're laying in bed.

Him: "Hey, is your stomach talking?"

Me: "No, it's my liver I think."

Him: "If it was your liver it would be slurring it's words."

Me: "Hmm. Maybe."

Him: "And begging for mercy from your abuse."

Me: "Right. Wearing a lampshade on it's head?"

Him: "Yes, and probably all the other organs would be saying, 'Oh God, it's The Liver, don't make eye contact. Oh my God, he's totally wasted again."

Me: "Well, maybe, but I have a feeling I know what your penis would be saying if it could talk."

Him: "Yes, I know too."

Me: "Enh....right."

Vacation was perfect.

On the drive home I started trying to write about my trip before it really ended because what typically happens after these trips is that I spend two weeks trying to sum up the trip and feeling horribly incapable of doing anything but think of ways to sum up my trip.

But when I tried to write it all up, it's all silly and minute and Dear Diary-like. But I took 400 pictures, not to mention the 4000 pictures Maddie took. We let the kids use the digital elph on our trip and it was beyond perfect and really some of the shots are quite nice. We also sent the kids on a photo scavenger hunt through the woods surrounding our cabin. They loved it and it kept them busy for an hour.

The best parts of our trip are as follows:

Max: The creepy taxidermist's museum. Okay.....it cost $5 for the whole family. Perfect.

Madison: Riding the horse carriage on Mackinac Island.

Logan: Skipping stones at Lake Michigan in the Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes National Park.

Melissa: Seeing four deer about 5 feet outside our bedroom window.

And then because this is my website I'll also add:
Watching my babies get along better than they have in their entire lives.
Feeling my body decompress while listening to the waves.
Watching shooting stars on the dock with my family.
Max telling me; "You're soft, feel yourself."
Nights in a dimly lit front room looking over the lake with Logan and then you know, other things later on.

It's hard to come home but all the laundry and readjustments in the world couldn't make me regret our vacation.

I uploaded so many pictures because I couldn't stop myself. But there's no way you can look through all of them so I'm going to show you my favorites right here! (Click on any image to see it larger).

As an aside, who puts a medical grade scale in a vacation home? I was feeling sort of thin on the second day I was at the cabin. But uhm, things are worse than I ever imagined. Buzz Kill.

Greetings from the mostly non-connected north!

Sutton's Bay Michigan may be known for a lot of things but free wireless connections is not one of them. You have no idea the painful withdrawals I went through on Thursday and Friday when I realized how far from an internet connection I was. Jesus, I'm pathetically addicted to this machine.

I am currently sitting outside the Sutton's Bay Library, which is about the size of my house, they are currently closed so I am hiding in the back of the minivan hoping the connection doesn't shut off on me like it did on Friday at 4pm.

We've been taking all sorts of day trips up here. Yesterday we even drove all they way up to take the ferry to Mackinac Island, where we took a carriage ride on the world's most gassy horse. His name was, not surprisingly, Logan!

Today we're trying to convince the kids that sitting around reading and napping and eating bacon (we cooked a pound of bacon this morning, literally) is a great way to spend our last day of vacation. So far we aren't having much luck. But the thought of taking the kids on another outing considering the kids have gone to bed at 10 to 11pm each night we've been here and have still managed to wake up at 7am. This opposed to the usual 8pm bedtime/7:30am wake up, you could say Max has totally dropped his basket with the exhaustion.

As we watched him last night at dinner acting like a hyper spastic lunatic child we usually see at restaurants and silently praise God our kids aren't that hyper, we realized he needs a lot more sleep before we're taking him anywhere else.

I'm dreading all the laundry and things I have to do. Don't you hate getting home after a vacation? It's all so overwhelming. Let's hope I can pick up the ball and pick up where I left off.

Here is a picture of us at the Sleeping Bear National Park. We fashioned a tripod out of stones to set the self timer. We're so rustic.

See you on Wednesday!