Last Summer

Thank you so much for your congrats and well wishes. On that day I worked on my 'This Day' submission I kept a journal mostly hour by hour, specifically for the project.

It was a time when I was unmedicated, running to try and break my depression and facing endlessly long days where I could barely motivate myself to accomplish anything. I still get a tear in my eye when I remember that horrible summer.

I thought I'd share one part of my submission from our visit to the zoo. I was talking about MOMS Club here and things had already started to come apart on that end, but it was going to get a lot worse.

In other news I killed Max today after a horrific tantrum. He's dead. I'll be blogging about my trial and jail time on FloggingBaby.

We are so lucky to live near the zoo. Everyone in my area buys a zoo membership because we are literally 3 minutes from the place. This makes it nice when your child has a meltdown 3 minutes into your visit because you haven't just spent $40 on admission and parking and WE ARE GOING TO HAVE FUN.

You can just turn around and try again another day. Not that I know anything about this, I would never do that.

We were supposed to meet up with women from my Mother's Group at the zoo this morning. Of course we were late (as usual) so we missed them. I don't mind taking the kids to the zoo on our own. It's nice to go at our own pace and see the things my kids like. We can eat lunch when we want and we don't have to hold up the group with potty breaks (very important in this infancy of potty proficiency).

However, I've found myself pulling away from the mothers I know. I'm not sure why. Partly it's this low level depression I walk around with all the time. Partly it's that the moms I know have little kids and they are in the trenches with infants and toddlers and a lot of them are planning on having more kids. More, like three or even four.

I look at them with their babies attached to their breasts and the toddlers in the double stroller and the bags full of supplies and I feel so thrilled to be released from that part of motherhood. It took every bit of my energy to do that part. But these women enjoy it. They have complaints, yes, but they enjoy it so very much they're having two or three more of these little people and I just can't relate and it makes me feel a little inferior in the mothering realm because having more children sounds like death to me.

I love them, that's not the issue. It's the day to day work of raising them that drives me to the brink of my sanity. But these mothers I know, don't seem to care at all. They like being attached to their kids in this way...I think part of me feels left out of that kind of motherhood because I mostly feel overwhelmed by all the attachment my kids and I share with me at home with them.

So anyway, we missed the group at the zoo and we walked around the three of us and it was nice to be out of the house and in the sunshine and I feel very fortunate to get to do these things while other moms I know are in the office when they'd rather be taking their kids on fun outings. The kids were good, got along, didn't whine too much.

Max used a public restroom once in 2 hours and didn't have an accident. (Have I mentioned how excited I am about pee pee in the potty?)

I feel somehow left out of my mother's group and like my experience doesn't fit in, but then I am in desperate need of some interaction with other women during the day. Today would have been a nice day to let my kids play and to let myself use my words to talk about more than poo poo and pee pee in the big boy potty. But if we had spent time with my Mother's Group...I'm sure that topic would have come up since I bring it up to just about anyone who stands near me for more than one minute.

Comments

[clickmom]

The first thing I say to any new mom I meet is "It is a lot harder than anyone told it would be isn't it?" And they always say "YES" You are not alone out there in feeling overwhelmed. We all feel that way to some degree. Look for a friend who knows what you are feeling and can truly sympathize. It is incredibly validating when we can come out of our mothering vacuums and say it isn't as fun, easy, carefree, or whatever, as we thought it would be and hear someone else say "I know exactly what you mean."

[Dawn]

I remember the pre-medication depression. It was like living in the bottom of a deep well (I have later imagined it like the one in Ringu).

I give each of my new baby friends the same talk - I call it the Cult of Motherhood talk. And it is hard. Bone chilling hard. Shockingly, crying into your hands at 2 in the morning asking yourself who's idea was it to have a baby (certainly not MINE! Smooth Move Mr Penis!)

Tantrums? Mine still occassionally has them at 7 ( "Mama dont' make me go to my room , don't shut the door MAMAMAMAMAMAMMAMAMAMA")

I think it is the constantness of parenting that wears you down.

[susan]

So sorry to hear about Max. He was so cute.

And today, as I was struggling to wash out paintbrushes and pour juice and supervise my three-year-old on the potty (while he yelled, 'DO NOT COME IN HERE! MAMA! GO OUT OF HERE! I WILL DO IT MYSELF!'), I was struck by the thought that THIS IS MY LIFE. Not my job, that I can go home from at the end of the day, but my life, the thing that wraps around everything else. And it made me happy and sad all at once.

[MelissaS]

I have that group of friends. They've saved my life.

[Kat]

I'm only newly pregnant with my second and already I am telling my husband that he will schedule is snipping immediately after this birth. I work outside the home so I'm only with my 2-year-old a few hours a day and she completely overwhelms me. I will cut back on work after this one and I'm terrified of what it will be like to be home with her and then a newborn. I seriously wonder if it was the best thing for me to have another, but I want her to have a sibling...

I find the best thing for me is to get with moms without the kids. Hard to arrange, but usually worth it.

[suburban misfit]

Yeah, the constantness and the total and utter attachment of those early years are what kept me from having more than two. I know my limits, and I probably exceeded them by having another, but I certainly don't regret it in any real way. Not now, anyway.

I can't begin to describe how wonderful life is now that they're 8 and 5. It just gets better and better!

[sar]

I am actually pulling away from my mom's group/playgroup these days too---for a variety of reasons. I feel like just motherhood in and of itself is not enough of a common denominator; I feel like a prefer women who can share with brutal honesty, that are willing to think outside the box when it comes to parenting. I feel like I am lacking a real sense of companionship from that group. On the other hand it is nice to let my daughter mess up someone elses house once and week and there are usually donuts...

[Amy]

Max isn't really dead - he's faking it. Kids do that. I didn't discover they could fake death so well until a grocery store incident.

[Mir]

If it was a really bad tantrum? I'm sure you'll be acquitted.

[karyn]

I, too, have friends who are having so many children and I can't understand why. My two are sometimes two too many.

My Mom says that I will be my happiest when both kids are in school all day, and we can have more quality time together in evenings and weekends. It's true, it's the constantness of day to day living that drove me down near the brink.

And my husband was snipped when number 2 was 8 weeks old, so yeah, we knew when enough was enough!

[gorillabuns]

i'm sure they'll acquit you of the charges when they see the reenactment of the grisly tantrum or tell them you need to be found guilty by reason of insanity, the alcohol made me do it!

[sweatpantsmom]

I used to belong to a Mommie's Group (operative word: Mommie) but damned if those women couldn't talk about anything but their kids! I love my two daughters boundlessly, but I was looking for more of a personal connection with other women who were going through the same experiences. I knew the end had come when i suggested a Margarita Night out with the girls and the ROOM FELL SILENT. I think they chased me out with torches and sharp objects.

I never went back, and am now probably known as the alcoholic crack whore of the neighborhood, but OH WELL.

[Tiff]

God Ive been there, still am a bit. I have 3 kids, 2,4 7. My husband works out of town and doenst come home for weeks at a time, and when he does, its for a few days. I am a single, stay at home mom...so it feels anyway. I live im a very rural part of Northern, Ca. Im 25 min from the park, town, library... Im 1 hr from a real grocery store for christ sake. I feel like i dont fit in with the "mary homemaker moms'. For the longest time I felt like I was sinking into a not good place. FINALLY I met 2 Moms that I Love. My friends. The 3 of us couldnt be any different if we tryed but they have saved me. They are my sanity. We have our own "playdate" once a month( not much I know). I never thought sushi would be so fun! Thanks for your blog Melissa. Nice to know Im not alone, your saving me as well.
Tiff

[Theresa]

You've described my feelings about motherhood so well, Melissa. Part of me wants to have a second child but another part of me is so happy that my 3 year old is finally getting old enough that she doesn't need constant attention. She actually plays by herself sometimes and I can't imagine going back to the days of having someone attached to me 24/7.

[Heidi]

Ok...I'm one of those "other" moms. People gasp when I say, "I don't like babies." I love mine, but as a general rule, I don't "get on well" with teeny tiny children. I adore them when they start to run around and do their own thing. Self-sufficiency is fabulous. And the lies that they tell with that crazy imagination. If only we could keep it forever. Life would be so much more fun.

I do, however, want to have one more before it gets really good. My first was extremely tough on me - it was the hardest year of my life - but I'm hoping number two won't be so awful.

ANd don't worry about killing Max. His ghost will reappear and haunt you. You'll never even know he was gone.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

The horrific tantrum was Max's, I'm assuming, not yours....

[Mabel]

I remember the days of excitement of pee peeing in the potty with me brother!!

The next harrowing experience?

"come wipe my buuuuttttt" Tee-hee-hee, good luck!

[PaxilMama]

Kat, my husband was going to get that snipping you speak of just after the birth of number two. I have three kids now. And, FYI, I am stark. raving. mad.

[PaxilMama]

In LOVE with my children, I should clarify. But just over the edge with all this mothering stuff. It's just exhausting no matter HOW many you have.

[Nopoodle]

I think every mom has a age she likes best, even if she won't admit it. I adore infants. I think it's because they are basically non-judgemental. Simply because they haven't learned how little we know yet. For me, the toddler years were hell. I stopped at two, and out of her earshot I will admit my daughter, now 15, ruined me for a third. She was impossible until...oh...14!

[Kelly]

I wish I lived close so we could start our own mothers group for mom's like you (and me btw)! What you've described is exactly why I'm 90% sure we're going to stick with one child. It's also why I'm so thankful I work full time. I feel huge gigantic guilt that I enjoy working more than I'd enjoy being a full time mom but its the honest truth.

[Kelly]

I wish I lived close so we could start our own mothers group for mom's like you (and me btw)! What you've described is exactly why I'm 90% sure we're going to stick with one child. It's also why I'm so thankful I work full time. I feel huge gigantic guilt that I enjoy working more than I'd enjoy being a full time mom but its the honest truth. For the zillionth time -- thank YOU for your honesty. It makes me feel a little more normal.

[julia]

I know *exactly* what you mean. And it's so hard to explain to people ... when you try to tell them you hate the mind-numbing, soul-killing part of being a mother, they look at you like you're a robot, like you don't love your kids. How can they not get that this experience COMPLEX.

My son is about to turn two, and I am really enjoying him now that he is old enough to do things, and becomes more interactive all the time. Don't get me wrong, I'd jump off a bridge if I didn't have him in daycare two days a week, but I am liking him so much that I've had baby fever the last few months. That's something I NEVER thought I'd want -- a second child -- after last year. Oh, (my) Max was the perfect baby, well-tempered, slept well, etc., but it was just a monsterous adjustment for me. Anyway, I am yearning for another baby (3? 4? WHAT.EVER.), but a small voice in the back of my head is warning me: "will break you. Don't do it." while the other one says "you love Max! He should grow up with a sibling! you'll know what to do this time!" I'm thinking voice number one is winning out.

Yeah, I know, step number one is tackling those voices in my head, before any childbearing decisions are made.

[Zach]

Yeah, "come wipe my butt" would be nice. Instead, at our house we get, "Hey! That my butt! That not your!" Followed by flight all around the house with a poopy bottom.

[Michèle]

Several people have commented that they waited until after the 2nd birth for their husbands to be snipped. Why wait? Why not get snipped during the 2nd pregnancy?

Just curious.

[MelissaS]

I think because if you've decided you'd like two kids and something unspeakable happens you may want to try again.

Also, you may decide after the second that it wasn't nearly as bad as you expected....

Finally, big decisions should *never* be made with any sense of finality during pregnancy. Let's not talk about the yellow paint I picked while pregnant.

[Chris]

Oooh, ooh, can I join this mothers' group too?

Ages ago, Eve (?) at Mothering Down the Bones wrote that it some ways it was good to be done with the "Extreme Mothering" part of her life because her kids could do a lot for themselves these days. I've stolen the phrase and use it all the time. The sheer weight of being needed by an almost one year old and an almost 4 year old all the time gets to me sometimes. I wish I could put everything on pause for a few minutes and take a few deep breaths. And that's part of the reason I don't want to have a third child, two are taking all I have to give. If I had another I think I'd feel too crowded.

I think some moms don't really notice the repetition (which KILLS me) and the physical energy required in the early years. I'm figuring I'm going to shine in the 'let's talk endless about our feelings and ideas' part (that my four year old is just getting into now). Not that I think I'm doing a bad job right now, it just doesn't come naturally.

Oh, too bad about your kid, but tantrums must be quashed by any means necessary :P

[reeni]

Exactly. God forbid, but something could happen even during the birth. I wasn't sure I'd be taking a baby home until he was in the car with us. Miscarriage/stillbirth/loss of any kind reminds you that not all pregnancies lead to babies. And snipping is so final that it's usually best to wait a bit juuust to be sure.

Melissa, I don't know how you do it during the summer...the weekends kill me. I find myself going to my happy place and then I feel guilty for not being in the moment. And I only have one 21 month-old. He needs a sibling, so I'm newly pregnant with our second, and I'm already half out of my mind thinking about those first several weeks with two children...all. alone. Gah!

[reenie]

Uh, my comment was in response to Michele's, and when I posted, it was after Melissa's. Might not make as much sense coming after Chris.

[ella]

I'm about to have my third but I'm definitely in the group of mothers who hate the day to day of parenting small children. Because I'm having a third other mothers assume I adore babies, which I do, just not the looking after them day in and day out. I really long for a couple of friends who understand that to make me feel a little less alone.

[bihari]

Oh, it does my heart good to hear of all these other mothers out there who find the day to day of looking after babies and toddlers just brutally boring and hard. I have a two and a half year old and an eight month old, and it's been hands-down the hardest three years of my life. I am just loving seeing my older boy start to get independent--it's such a relief to have him able to walk, talk, and feed himself. The issues seem to get more complex, but the child himself seems to get so much more interesting and I just enjoy him more now that it's not all in-your-face moment-to-moment physical needs. I'm hoping this continues. Because boy, it's grimy and ugly down here in the trenches!

[GG]

Knowing your limits is exactly why my kids are as far apart as they are (5 years). No, we weren't infertile or lazy no matter what people seemed to think (and people "think" a lot! Not a week goes by that someone doesn't comment on their age difference!)Never mind the fact that our first child was stillborn; we jumped right back in and tried again. When he was actually born (breathing and everything!) and we went about the business of raising him we (mostly me) found out how very hard it is. When his brother came along, five years later, it was still hard, but somewhat softened by the fact that #2 was capable of doing a lot of things on his own, while Mommy took care of #3. People do all sorts of things when starting a family, but mostly they do what's best for THEM! Melissa, thanks for sharing the preview. Can't wait to read the book!

[jen]

Amen. I love you all.

[cas]

I don't think I'd ever find a mom's group I could interact with not because of a potential disparity of attitudes towards our children, but because I'm retarded at "having friends." I always have been. I can't imagine that having a child will be the one thing that overcomes my total lack of ability to be a normal kind of friend such that a group that meets regularly would be an option for me. My child is doomed to our singular familial weirdness, and I fear that she too will carry forward the "I can't be a normal friend" gene.

[jody2ms]

I have 4 kiddos, ages 11,8,5 and 1. And yes, it is very hard at times.

I know exactly what you mean about being in the trenches with little ones, and moving on to a different stage.

I think you day sounds lovely with just the 3 of you. That would be my kind of day. I have a large group of friends and live in a very small town, and sometimes it feels just....too close. it seems we do everything together.

One thing that we do once a month is "Mom's Night Out". Kids stay home, and we all go out to eat and drink (and drink and drink) and have some "grown -up talk". It really hits the spot, and I look forward to it each month.

Long time now and then lurker, but wanted to delurk and say I like your writing.