Analyzing my shitty mood:

Two years ago, when Maddie was nearly five and Max was two and a half years old, Halloween didn't go very well.

We went to three houses and at the third, you won't believe what happened. There were people actual people...SITTING ON THEIR PORCH handing out candy. For some reason these people, who were not wearing costumes btw, were really scary. So trick or treating ended in tears and we went back home.

Last year, we trick or treated again and it was big fun. The kids were thrilled and brave in the face of people sitting on their porches! We thought we'd crossed the line and now our kids were normal and enjoyed things kids enjoy. Like Trick or Fucking Treating.

What is not to like about trick or treating?

This is what I would like to know. My kids can't seem to tell me but last night we made it to four houses and half those houses found Max crying and Madison hiding behind me at the end of the walkways to homes where people were handing out candy.

I am a fairly empathetic soul when it comes to dealing with my children and their various neurosis. I'm neurotic, I have a rather large catalog of all my neurosis on this website, so I understand. But sometimes the things that freak my kids out, make me want to shake them.

Yes, I know that's so mean....but last night after tears in the walkways of houses because people were actually handing out candy....I really wanted to shake my kids. I walked home in silence, gritting my teeth and holding back tears.

Every kid has wierd things they do which drive parents crazy right? It seems though, my kids have so many things. They're so incredibly sensitive and sometimes those sensitivities translate into a form of psychosis which makes it impossible for me to be patient and loving and empathetic.

I hate when I am not patient and loving. I hate who I am as a mother and I wonder if my lack of patience and love has created these bizarre neurosis in my children. What have I done wrong? How do I have children who are afraid of people?

The next question is, "Who the hell cares if my kids go trick or treating?"

As I sobbed last night I asked myself that. I just want to be normal I guess? I want to go trick or treating with my kids and my husband and see them be happy and excited.

It's also not about trick or treating really. I guess I wonder why my kids are so afraid of people. What did I do to make them so afraid and timid in their world?

It upsets me that I hate this neighborhood so much. As a child I knew every person on my block, there was nothing to be afraid of since I knew all the people I got my candy from. We've lived here for 7.5 years and we know nearly no one and frankly, have no desire to know anyone.

So maybe that's why I woke up in such a foul mood.

Comments

[justin]

Our oldest boy is 9 and he has huge panic attacks when he sees what he perceives as a scary mask - even though he KNOWS it's a person underneath. He totally freaks out, screams like a girl and crawls up my back. It is very embarassing. He almost didn't even go this year for fear of seeing one, but changed his mind at the last minute. I think my telling him he wouldn't get any of his brother's candy prompted the switch.

I feel the same way - is it something I did? Why is he this way and why does it frustrate and piss me off so badly? He is growing out of it, it semms. Just be patient with them and try again next year. Maybe they will do better. You ARE a good mother.

[alice]

Henry almost wouldn't go trick-or-treating last night, and I wept. Not just fighting back tears-- I was sobbing. You build up all these ideas and expectations about the great time you're all going to have, and then when things don't work out that way, it's incredibly disappointing.

But then we did go and he saw Darth Vader and now he won't stop talking about it.

[MelissaS]

And now you're sobbing about that right?

[Stephanie]

Oh, Melissa. I'm so sorry. I honestly don't think it's anything you've done to make them behave that way. Zoe used to be that way, too. And Max only made it to four houses last year. We went trick or treating with a couple of friends this year, and I think it helped the kids overcome their fear---they were running from house to house and actually saying "Thank you" without much prompting. Maybe we should go together next year (I know my kids would LOVE thast idea!).
And I know that some of the things that bother me most about my kids are qualities I recognize in myself---like fear of trick or treating or making my younger sister order for me in restaurants. Ironic, isn't it?

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Maybe also the kids build up all these ideas and expectations about trick or treating beforehand, and then when it ACTUALLY HAPPENS, it's just so overwhelming because it's ACTUALLY HAPPENING. I only have myself as a reference point on that -- I always used to get way too excited about stuff and then not be able to deal with it once it was happening. Probably drove my mother crazy too.

[Courtney]

I think that your feeling the way you do is totally founded.

You are upset because things aren't going they fairybook way (even though we all know that isn't realistic).

There is the fear that you have done something to cause this.

There is the fear because you don't know what, if anything, is causing this.

It's not really the same thing, but I was upset last night because while on the porch handing out candy (Sorry to any kids we may have scared :-) I could NOT get Conner to stop looking like i was ripping his fingers off when I asked Adam to take a picture of us together. The thing that kills me, is I am the only one in the GD house that will use the camera. Adam will never take a picture unless I ask him too. Then I have to pose myself and Conner, tell Adam what I want captured in the picture and just cross my fingers. THe fucker won't even use the zoom.

Of course every picture is of me holding back tears and conner flailing to get down. All I think is why does this kid hate me so much?

Being a parent is grand eh?

[reenie]

Oh, Melissa! The only thing that surprises me about your sweet children is that they're so much alike. I had three siblings and it seemed like we came from different families we were so different. I sometimes look at pictures of them and hear stories you tell and think it's amazing how similar they are in looks and personalities. I was always a somewhat sensitive child. I had no self-esteem to speak of (and I still have to work on it). I'm shy (which I usually try to overcome by cracking jokes and talking too much...no one has any idea just how shy I am underneath). And my siblings are nothing like that. My husband has a brother. My husband has almost too much self-confidence and his brother has almost none. They grew up in a loving, supportive, two-parent household and their personalities had nothing to do with their mother's neuroses. I guess what I'm trying to say in my typical rambling way is that it's so obvious you love your children, and your children will be who they are no matter what you do. (To a degree...if you beat them it might have an impact...you get what I'm saying.) I'm sorry you had a sucky Halloween...it seems like a lot of children are having trouble with the concept these days. (And I have panic attacks when I see people in masks...I have a thing about not knowing who I'm talking to and it freaks me out...talk about neurosis!)

[Jen14221]

My son (who will be 2 tomorrow) wouldn't put on his fucking costume. He ran away from it screaming. I tried to put it on him a few times and finally I just felt like a very cruel mom and gave up. But then he shrieked with terror every goddamn time the doorbell rang. Which was every 2.5 minutes from 5pm-8pm. Good times at our house last night.

[Lil' Sis]

My new boyfriend's family (did I tell you I have a new boyfriend?) owns a racehorse that is currently being rehabilitated due to a broken leg. We're going to go see it next weekend, and I was going to see if Maddie wanted to come along, but is she going to freak out too badly about Chris being a stranger?
I'm sorry Halloween sucked. Did you at least get photos of them in costume?
-Miao.

[Eulallia]

Well, at least this way they won't have to go to the dentist for a toothache and then freak out and refuse to sit in the chair or even let anyone LOOK at them let alone touch their mouth and then you have to leave the office in shame SHAME because you are a defective mother who can't get their kids to let the nice dentist people check their teeth. Not that that happened to me, or anything.

[Ann]

You'll find the same thing often happens at birthdays and holidays. I remember finally realizing that there was almost a 100% chance that the birthday child would have a melt-down at least once on the big day. We have an idealized vision of how happy our children will be (and, for that matter, how happy we will be for making them so happy), and then when they're not we're alternately angry at them and mad at ourselves for raising such ungrateful/neurotic/whatever children.

Many kids do get overstressed very easily. It's one of the best reasons to avoid holiday hype to the extent possible. Good luck to you and all the other young parents out there.

[Marie]

I am sorry that you are beating yourself up so much about being a bad mother. I think we all do this at some point. Beating ourselves up about the way are children behave is a bad feeling thing that all good mothers do. You and your children are probably a whole lot more 'normal' than you realize.

[Liz]

My youngest, now 13, hated trick or treating when she was little. She'd go to a few houses but then always asked to go home because she preferred to hand out the candy to other kids.

Last night, she was PISSED because I kept her in after being too sick to go to school!

I just don't think we can ever win as parents.

[Justin]

Oh God,
Sorry it was horrible. I have always hated Halloween. Having strange people talk to me while wearing masks, (who apparently know me, when I can't figure out who they are) has always freaked me out. On the other hand I have tons of friends who love Halloween and totally don't understand how I can hate it. I feel so happy that I'm not the only person on the planet who feels that way. Yeah for Maddie and Max, they sound perfectly normal to me.

[ella]

You're not alone! In the kid shaking part. My kids love trick or treating but we're getting close to being "too old" now.

No, it's my daughter that I have wanted to shake, among other things. It's my daughter that has made me sit in the closet and weep silently wishing for "normal" whatever the hell that is.

We all go through it. And some how we survive and by some miracle we don't kill the kids either. : )

[suburban misfit]

Write this down, look at it every single day, and make it your meditation mantra (you don't meditate? Then start, just for this.): I did nothing to make my kids shy (or sensitive or neurotic; use the descriptor of your choice). It is not my fault. Everyone is born with a temperament that their parents cannot control.

Got it?

Good.

I was TERRIBLY painfully shy when I was a kid. It didn't help that we kept moving during my primary school years, either. Nothing my parents did made my shyness any better; if anything, they made it worse.

I understand SO WELL what you mean by wanting them to be "normal". I have that feeling nearly every day about my son (who has sensory issues and attentional issues and know-it-all issues and annoyance issues). When that feeling comes, I embrace it and tell myself that yes, he annoys me, but no, it's not his fault. And then somehow I got this daughter who is always the belle of the ball, everyone LOVES her, and she has kids fighting over who gets to play with her at Kindergarten.

It's all so random, this "personhood" deal.

[mieke]

I always have to work hard to let shit go.

My fried always says "expectations are nothing but disappointments under construction." I love that.

My son went trick or treating as a princess this year. That's right my son. I didn't say a word - and let him have all the fun he is entitled to have.

[Amy]

I go through this almost every Friday night when I foolishly think something has changed from the previous Friday night dinner disaster and that for some reason my kids are actually going to go eat, sit at the table and not flail around like the little monsters they are.

Nevah. Gonna. Happen.
Well, at least not anytime soon. But, I do understand the let-down from how you had hoped things would go.

I do know it is ME and my expectations and huge wish that only one time things could just go smooth and right, so I could keep hope for the future that I'm not raising social outcasts. I have it pictured in my mind, all Norman Rockewell-ish, and it never happens that way. One little variation from how things were supposed to be, how I had them pictured in MY mind, can send me crashing. I'm working very hard on telling myself things will not go that way, no matter how hard I try and no matter how many times I talk to them. They are just kids, and I shouldn't be so hard on them, or myself, and set those hurdles so high. Allow some room for imperfection. We have to.

Then, of course, you could have kids like mine that want to push past the candy and see whats for dinner. At every house.

[Rocky]

What a timely and relevant post (to me, anyway, and that's all that matter..hehe.) Last night I was one of those "people sitting on their porch handing out candy," because it just seems friendlier to me. One mother, with her toddler in tow, informed me, "this is (insert child's name) first ever trick-or-treating experience. I. Literally. Froze. Up. OMG! Would I make it awful? I didn't want to get too close. I put about five pieces of candy in the girls empty bag, and she immediately turned around and stared into the bag for a full 30 seconds. Then she turned back around and said thank you. I think I passed. Let's hope nobody else made her cry. :)

[gigi]

I was one of those people sitting on the porch passing out candy and I scared every kid who came near me. Apparently, such daunting questions as, "Who are you for Halloween?" were way too much for 99% of the kids to handle. It was suprising to me, but maybe my ample glass of wine and lack of make-up scared the bejesus out of all who saw me. I wouldn't worry too much about your kids. It seems to be status quo. And actually, that timidness could work to their advantage. I gave waaaayyyy more candy to the frightened kids. They needed the extra incentive!

[Amy]

My girls (currently ages 7 & 7-almost-8) had their first slumber party last Friday night.

Both of them spent a good deal of time in my bedroom crying.

My parental gift to them: Anxiety problems.

They got their dad's hair.

[kelly]

Well, my kids have NO FEAR and kept walking into peoples houses last night. Or having 1/2 hour conversations with every person handing out candy. They are absolutely not afraid of anyone. Not good.

[Janet]

My daughter turned 14 two weeks ago. She got an Ipod Nano, dinner at the mall with her girlfriend, shopping with $200 cash (while I sat in the food court stuffing my face trying to conceal my total boredom). Sounds pretty happy to me, right? Nope. Right before the family came over for cake while I was running around trying to clean up the house and she sat on the computer & phone talking to the boyfriend (because it was her BIRTHDAY, why should she HELP?), she wound up shrieking at me that since I'm so stressed perhaps I should be the one in counseling rather than her. (I won't even address whether she was correct or not). I do believe the Currier and Ives moments only exist in the imagination. I'm so sorry Halloween was not so fun.

[clickmom]

This year was the first year my kids were enthusiastic about "trick or fucking treating" In the past they too preferred to be home,warm and cozy giving out the candy and for 11 blissful years I thought I had it made in the shade because I didn't have to fight with them for weeks afterward about not eating candy for breakfast.

See it is all about putting the right spin on things!

[metalmeredith]

I hate my neighborhood, too. The people seem very nice enough, I suppose. I don't want to know them. It must be a generational thing. Although, my mom doesn't want to know her neighbors, either. She and her husband make up strange stories about how awful they are until the both believe them, giving them reason to be so distanced.
I hated Halloween as a child. People gawking and saying how cute, engaging me in conversations. I wanted candy, I wanted someone else to go up first and I wanted to just hold my bag out, get candy and run away. I still hate it and don't like to hand it out.
I am sorry your kids are having a hard time with this. Halloween is hit or miss, really.

[madmutter]

I'm sorry you had a crappy holiday. I can totally relate. We're past the really tough times with trick or treating, but I can remember FORCING my son into the lion suit I had lovingly made for him, and which he refused to wear(he was two). Lucky for me, and him, he forgot about it once it was on his body. But all three of my kids are both shy and very very sensitive. I'm like that, and my husband is sensitive (though not shy), and I figure the kids have a double whammy. Not their fault, or mine, but it doesn't stop the murderous feelings in my heart.

[Carla]

My kids were never into trick or treating, I'm the one who pushed them to do it, you know, for the memories. One year my youngest was too sick to go to school that day and I didn't think that in the evening he should be out trick or treating in the cold weather. So we treated them to an evening at Pizza Hut. Much to our surprize, we were the only people in the place! We had the wait staff to ourselves. I still felt guilty because kids are supposed to trick or treat on Halloween, except when the next year came around, they all wanted to go to Pizza Hut instead of trick or treating! We had begun a tradition of NOT trick or treating! We've been doing it ever since and frankly, I don't miss the tummy aches from too much candy nor do I think that the boys have missed out on any memories. The way I look at it, all year we tell the kids to be wary of strangers and the dark, so once a year we tell them otherwise? No wonder they're upset, add costumes and the frenzy of candy snatching and the whole evening is confusing. Good Luck with whatever you choose to do next year. One thing that did work for me - I talked about upcoming holidays WAY in advance. Christmas in July - that's when I had to tell my "getting too old to believe in Santa" child the TRUTH. He took it hard, but by the time December came, he had worked out his feelings. Parenting is tough, even with all the advise that the internet can give.

[lorelei]

Thank you Melissa for writing that post. I honestly could have written it myself...if I could put my ideas together well enough.

Anyway, my 1st born humbles me in the same ways you spoke of. The second child is just the opposite AND she has had the neurotic behaviors screamingly demonstrated for her for her WHOLE LIFE. Still, she is out-going and confident and lives easily.

I believe they come out of us- as they are. I have to believe that, given what is in fron tof me. I hope that you can believe that too. Perhaps you should have another kid to test out the theory.... HA! Just kidding.

Go easy on yourself.

[elizabeth Jones]

My sister brought my 3 year old nephew over to my house to trick or treat. For the first two houses when someone came to the door, he started screaming, "mama, no..." and went running to her. At the third house he started building up his nerve and actually got the candy himself. Then, at the fourth house, he went running towards the door, tripped over his costume and fell flat on the pavement. He started crying and they brought him back to the house. We changed him into his pajamas and he played with our couch pillows for the rest of the night. Oh well!

[Michelle]

This reminds me of the time I busted my ass for months to plan my son's second birthday party (not even a big party, mind you, but close family and friends). I made sure we had the perfect cake, made all the food from scratch, the house was immaculate... I envisioned cornucopious laughter and quivering joy oozing from my perfectly dressed son, while the grandparent papparazzi flashed away at all the Kodak moments. But alas, when my son awoke from his nap and came down to join the party, all he wanted was to go for a wagon ride outside with his grandpa. No amount of coaxing or offers of chocolate could convince him to join the party, even though for weeks he had talked about nothing but his "special party". Now it was here, and he would rather head down the block in his stupid wagon and miss the whole thing. He finally got into the partying mood after a very long wagon ride and the realization all the kids were about to crack a pinita open with a bat without him. Just goes to show, everything we have planned for our kids doesn't usually happen in the picture perfect martha stewart way we envision. but it all ends up okay in the end. however, next year, i'm hiding the wagon before the birthday party.

[Cricket]

I remarked to my fiance last night that I need more therapy to get over the fact that my son is a wuss.

Terrible mom, I know. *hanging head*

[Nic]

My three year old nephew is a hige spiderman fan. His costume this year was a spider suit which we discovered he is deathly afraid of. He runs screaming from it every time, and we never could get him into it. Sigh, maybe next year...

[Dawn]

My seven year old refused to go to any doors. She likes dressing up - but not the interacting with others.

Her father returned cursing and muttering at his daughter's stubborn refusal to participate. We will all be HAPPY HERE DAMMIT!

But, you know what? She has NEVER liked moving things, things in masks etc. I always chalked it up to some Jungian thing - collective unconcious - Perhaps in a past life one of those things knocked her off.

Every year, I discover that parenting is a big old ball of contradictions and all we can do is the best we can do. Let our kids be who they are and guide them the best we can down the road.

And now for a Rod McKuen poem....

[bihari]

We didn't even try to trick or treat with our almost-three year old; he couldn't have been less interested in his costume, so I didn't go there. Then I wondered if I was being a bad mother for just leaving it and having him miss out on all that potential fun. There is no tellling, is there? And that's what makes it so hard. But I'm glad to know I'm not the only mother who ends up gritting her teeth and welling with tears when carefully planned, worked for, and hoped for events collapse with a casual (or screaming) flourish of her kids' temperments. I wish I could get more detatched...

[Sage Tyrtle]

My husband and I love going out to dinner, while our kid hates it. So we go out to dinner while he's with Granny. Easy. There are millions of children all over the world who have never, ever gone out for Halloween. Children get freaked out for so many reasons - sometimes it has to do with age, sometimes personality. Leave it be next year, and try again when they want to - and if they never do, so what? There are so many opportunities to have fun with your kids. Halloween doesn't have to be one of them.

[Lena]

Oh, Melissa. Just look at your Shriner and be glad for what you DON'T have.

Hang in there. We're all in this together.

[M&Co.]

Amen about that neurotic mother stuff and how have I fucked up my kids. My goal in life is to give my kids something to talk about besides me in therapy. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing miserably.

[Bonnie]

I have definitely been there a time or twenty. When my daughter was 2, I made her the cutest little lion costume. Would she wear it? Hell, no! What a difference 8 years can make. Just hang in there!

[wookie]

Obviously, a lot of kids have trouble with Halloween :-) Personally, I'm crowd phobic and absolutely hate the holiday. To out of control. Too much noise. Things not "the norm". It stresses me more than I enjoy it so I start weeks in advance preparing myself for the "festivities".

I think you make some good points about how you're approaching this. To be able to objectively (NOT beating yourself up) step back and ask how you're contributing to their handling of experiences is a good one. To look for other examples in the family and peer group is another important place to look.

Some of it is nurture and some of it is nature and the best thing you can do is probably to not sweat the small stuff, and work on your own neurosi one bit a time if you think that some of your more negative coping strategies are passing onto your kids. That in and of itself is a valuable life lesson... that even when something is tough or scary, that mom/myself is going to figure out how to cope.

And normal is just a setting on your dryer.

[StirTheStars]

I am not a parent, but my sister at around 3 decided she HATED Halloween. She refused to dress up or go trick-or-treating. When she was in first or second grade we finally convinced her to go again... and she didn't leave the house before she threw up all over our brand new white carpet. Needless to say she didn't go trick-or-treating. She never could explain why she didn't want to go and then inexplicable around 4th or 5th grade she started going. She also would plug her ears and scream when anyone sang happy birthday to her, from the age of 3 until well, probably age 10 or 11. So, I think the weird fears kids have is just a part of being a kid... and I think it IS "normal."

But, like I said, I'm not a parent---just a random reader :)

[MG]

My nephew came over to my parents' house to do Trick or Treat...he had talked of nothing but being Thomas the Tank Engine, Thomas the Tank Engine, Thomas the Ever Loving Tank Engine. And then he showed up in a (hastily acquired) cowboy costume. His mother was frazzled to a nub and would have no truck with any discussion, no matter how lighthearted, about his sudden change of heart. And then he went to four houses and was finished. And then took two licks of a single lollipop and lost all interest in the holiday all together.

I don't know how you do it, honestly. But it's not just you and your kids (obviously, judging by all the comments). Now that I think about it, I don't even remember Trick or Treat or being excited about my costume until I was 6 or 7 years old, so maybe it just appeals to different kids at different times. And I was always WAY more interested in the costume than anything else, anyway.

Which is how you end up with a seven-year-old who is obsessed with dressing up as Martha Washington (yes the Mother Of Our Country) and then gets pissed when people repeatedly asked, "Are you a fairy princess?"

Wait maybe I wasn't a good example of "normal" kid. Never mind!

[Mary]

I could be re-writing history every moment that I'm a parent, but I swear I don't remember going trick-or-treating until I was much older, like 3rd grade. And I distinctly remember being painfully shy and SCARED AS HELL to go up to strangers' (even if they were longtime neighbors) doors and ask for candy. It was only that I wanted that candy so bad, that I did it at all.

You probably give your kids everything they need and therefore they don't feel compelled to ask total strangers for food. Methinks this is a good thing.

[dragonlady474]

I wouldn't make a big deal about it and then maybe, like someone suggested, start getting them ready for it earlier next year to. You might start by talking about costumes. Maybe suggest a few things then ask them what they want to be. Maybe even have a trial run of them walking around in their outfits and going to prearranged people's houses for the trial.

[Jenny]

God, kids are so weird. Including me - I live in the UK, where trick or treat isn't such a big thing...but still, I hated it. I found it embarrassing, and awkward, and being asked 'what are you?' - gah, couldn't bear it. I hated going to my friend's houses after school too - I would cry inconsolably and beg my (full-time working, childcare-arranging) mum to get me out of it. No rhyme or reason for it - today, of course, I'm very confident and out-going, and there's no 'reason' for that either.

I would, however, say that I was very bonded to my mum (and dad) as a child - it sounds like Max and Maddie are too. This is such a good thing I promise you - we have an amazing relationship, and I look back at my (neurotic, anxious) childhood very fondly.

[ashpdx]

Just so you know, when I saw your pictures at Flickr of Halloween I thought "why can't my husband and I just have a good time and laugh like that together?"

I think we all have those moments when we just want those fun, carefree times in life and feel like we aren't there. I have that all the time with my 16 mos old and 3 yr old, I make a special effort to do something fun and all that happens is crying or fighting and it is rather demoralizing. Sorry your kids weren't into it this year, that is a bummer but I am sure very common.

[Rayne]

One year when I was say, less than 10 but greater than 5, we were trick or treating and a man grabbed my leg from under a pile of leaves in the tree row. Scared the SH!T out of me and I would never trick or treat near that house again.

I remember being nervous knocking on the doors of even people we knew well. And another year my best friend's house had their light on even though they were Witnesses and didn't do holidays. So we knocked on the door, said trick or treat, and BF's dad said just a second and left us standing at the door. He never came back. We could see him sit down in front of the tv through the window. I guess that was the "trick" part of the deal.

[Lauren]

oh, hell woman .. i'm 36 and still scared of people.

[pam]

Because 364 days a year, little kids are taught Don't Take Candy From Strangers. Think about it. Then one day a year? It's okay to just walk up a random sidewalk, open your Dyno-Bots trick or treat bag, and let some potential psychopath give you a Snickers?!

Now, MY daughter is a candy junkie. She embraced Halloween right away for the sake of the candy. But your kids are obviously smarter/warier than that. Good for them. Make 'em stay home next year until they BEG to be taken trick or treating. I'm serious! If they stay home and pass out candy to a few dozen other kids, they'll quickly get hip.

Or turn into shut-ins. Hmm. In any case, good luck.

[Cathy]

For some reason, my 3yo is loves dressing up for Halloween and going trick or treating... BUT if I take him to the beach or the zoo, look out! You'd think I was pinching him the whole time the way he fusses and cries. Going on outings that I think would be fun for children always turns into a nightmare... I end up crying fairly often. Being a sensitive mother to a sensitive child is both rewarding and infuriating.

[Robin]

my son was afraid of his hanna anderson raincoat for 6 months, refused to put it on, and refused to tell me why. he is afraid of eating new food at school, afraid of pooping in the potty, and is often afraid of trying on new clothes. my daughter, on the other hand, is afraid of very, very little, which has its downside. it's less of a problem now, but when she was little it translated into her never staying by my side, and never perceiving a "don't go there" boundary (like, say, behind the cash register at the toy store). hardwiring, i say. i love your blog because you dare to expose the negative emotions some of us feel as parents. as far as feeling "normal" like the deleriously happy families we imagine we see all around us, whenever we're having a "normal" family moment (about once every two or three months), we look at each other say "now *this* is what i thought parenting would be like."

[Sora]

You said you want to be normal. Your kids and your husband and a happy trick or treating experience would make you normal? No one is normal, but some have learned to be happy inspite of all the crud that happens. My child has Aspergers Syndrome and trick-or-treating was not a possibility until this year. All previous attempts ended in him running and screaming back home after going to only a couple of houses. He was able to do it this year and talked to so many people. So, what if his gait is a little funny or he blinks he's eyes uncontrollably when talking to people or he doesn't get it when people make fun of him. He's different. He's mine. We're happy. Count your blessings. If other people think it's weird that your kids freak out over something, well f**K 'em!!! Those are your kids, be happy about it already.

[MelissaS]

Oh Sora...Sora, Sora, Sora.....

I'm so glad you have life all figured out.....if I spent all my time counting my blessings people would come to this website and tell me how I'm a show off and a fake.

I can't win. When you have your own blog you can count your blessings each and every day. I will use mine to examine my thoughts and feelings as they happen.

That is actually 'normal'.

Also, please refer to this post where I sort of addressed your 'count your blessings' comment: http://www.suburbanbliss.net/suburbanbliss/2005/05/do_it_for_logan.html

[mox]

I never was crazy about Halloween as a kid. Which was fine with my parents because they weren't all that into it either.

Kids are who they are. But that doesn't mean it's not hard to accept that your kids don't feel or behave like you think they should. Because, you know, they're YOUR KIDS and all.

Next year will probably be different. Every year is.

And by the way -- "normal" is SO overrated.

[Jenny]

PS I just realised, because of this post, that I probably drove my poor mother mad with my neuroses - like the TWO YEARTS I barely slept (I know this sounds like an exagerration. but I swear its not) because i was so convinced that my parents would run away and leave me during the night.

AND I cried all the time.

AND I would climb out the window of a locked car if my mum popped into a shop.

AND I didn't want to go anywhere with a non-parent.

Man, she must have wanted to strangle me. I know this isn't helpful, but I just wanted you to know that its normal. And that its ok to be irritated, cos the crying and the whining? Sounds really damn irritating.

[RockStar Mommy]

I'm so with you on hating my neighborhood. I think everyone around here is a snob and I don't really have anything in common with any of them. I'm probably the one being the snob by assuming that we don't have anything in common without getting to know any of them, but I just have no interest. I miss my old neighborhood so much, which I wrote about on my site not too long ago. It's hard getting comfortable somewhere where you feel you don't belong.

[RockStar Mommy]

Oh, and I say don't bother responding to people like Sora. They don't get it and never will, no matter how you try to explain it.

[Sora]

MelissaS, thanks for noticing that I have life all figured out.

[Jen S]

Jen14221, my daughter will be 2 this week and also absolutely, positively refused to wear a costume. Thank goodness I only gave her two hand-me-down ones from her older sisters to choose from and didn't invest any money or time in one.

Hang in there, Melissa.

[suswhit]

ohhh. I hate my neighborhood, too. Nobody interesting to hang out with. Nothing in commom with these people. No parents
hanging out drinking while the kids trick or treated like in the 'fun' neighborhoods. I wonder if your kids would be less scared if they knew the people on your street. oh cheers. I'm real helpful. Damn our sucky neighborhoods...

[Sarah]

If it is any consolation, I was an easily freaked out child. No Chuck E. Cheez (too loud, too scary), no talking to friendly strangers, no haunted houses. But, alas, I grew out of it! Perhaps they will too.

[Brook]

Your kids are wonderfully normal. They're just not robots or programmed by disney or fundamentalism that teaches them they're only allowed to be one way. The short term problem with respecting your children and validating their feelings is that you end up with children who can think for themselves and know that it's ok to want what they want.

Works well in the long run,but short-term it's brutal.

The miracle is that there isn't more child abuse.

(As for my normally abnormal children? They were all hot to trot for Halloween which is a total joke because neither one of them really likes candy. Sterling occasionally eats expensive white chocolate but that's it. His candy will sit on top of the fridge until it's swallowed by dust bunnies and I can throw it away. Kent likes sweets more than Sterling but even he will forget about his candy after a couple of days. What do they beg for at the supermarket? "Please mom, will you buy me a bag of mixed frozen vegetables so I can eat them still frozen. Pleeeeeeeease." Now that's not normal.)

[elisabeth]

Melissa, When my youngest was impossible at her kindergarten graduation and I had to carry her out in tears (mine, not hers) I kept thinking WHAT DID I DO?? Because according to the "books" it I did it all right;homebirth, family bed, but not too long, nursed, but not too long, SAH mom, don't spank but do discipline, yada, yada, yada. After 6 months of therapy (for her) and hearing other professionals say she is unlike any other child they have encountered I have let go a bit. It still isn't easy. I had the only 3rd grade girl dressed as the Grim Reaper at the school Halloween party, I fear what we will face when she is a teen, and I will always wonder what I am doing wrong even though I know they will turn out ok in the long run. Perhaps I have said it before, but damn. parenting is hard work. off to get myself a beer.

[Suebob]

In our heads, all the normal kids are skipping from door to door clapping their hands with joy...reading these posts, you realize that it just ain't so.

[chris]

Hi Melissa,

Unfortunately I can relate to your kids. I was and still am very shy and afraid of people (I'm 33 now). I remember I used to cry when getting a haircut at the barbers! And in the waiting room at the doctors, I would still still and quiet the whole time because I did want the other people in the waiting room to notice me.

I hope your kids grow out of it, I really do. Unfortunately that didn't happen for me, but perhaps you can help them overcome their fears somehow. I wish I could be of more help.

[a gowen]

Re: Sora -- yep, her post was self-righteous, & obviously if all a writer could do was count her blessings, it would be a pretty boring world.

But --

let's cut her some slack. Asperger's is a tough row to hoe; i imagine she feels completely overwhelmed at times. Dollars to donuts this was one of those days.

[a gowen]

(& yes, I love wacky cliched colloquialisms.)

[P]

I hate my neighborhood too. I regret getting to know any of my neighbors. Next year for Halloween we've already made plans to take our daughter to a friends subdivision in Canton where the men will take the kids and we women will hand out the candy and drink ourselves silly.

[Deb]

"No, no, babies, I know what I said at the park about begging for Samantha's go-gurt and about not talking to that man by the bathrooms, but tonight we are going to go around in the dark looking odd and we will ASK strangers for candy. Isn't that funny? Isn't our life wonderful and wacky?"

No wonder we all need therapy.

[MelissaS]

Well Deb good point except I guess that's what I was saying about hating my 'hood....we would know all our neighbors if we were in a better area. So we wouldn't be begging off strangers which only makes me more depressed. All these people are strangers.

[W]

Normal is a really relative term, I don't think there really is such a thing. Maybe you should do some reading about being an ACOA, it might help you understand some of the ways you respond.

[lorrie]

Damn I thought my Meredith was the only one!