Happy Birthday now GET THE HELL OUT OF ME!

Today is Madison's birthday. On this day 7 years ago I was in pitocin induced labor for over 12 hours and after nearly 2 hours of pushing the doctor asked if I'd like help. Puzzled, I said, 'Yes! My God! What are you doing! HELP ME!!!!'

I didn't know the 'help' was forceps and ouch! My life and my vagina have not been the same since.

I thought about not letting Maddie celebrate until her official birth time, 7:52pm, because she made me wait, in horrible pain for that long! But then I thought she'd tell me to stick a couple of metal clamps on my head and see how I feel. Also I thought it was immature of me, so why don't I grow up already?

I've been talking a lot about Maddie and I lately. About our relationship and the fear I'm doing it wrong. I am mostly thrilled with who she is and who she's becoming but, yes, sometimes I worry I've totally screwed her over. The same way she tore my vagina to absolute shreds upon her exit.

We're going to dinner tonight and she'll have her party on Friday night. On her first birthday I watched the video from the day she was born, and sobbed. It was the most powerful moment of my life.

Before it happened I told Logan the only thing I didn't want to do was scream, "Get it out of me!!!!" like I'd heard a mother do on 'A Baby Story'. I didn't care about epidurals or c sections or anything other than a healthy baby. I just didn't want to scream in such an undignified way about my baby.

It's not an 'It' it's my baby and this was a magical moment: waiting to meet our baby!

After over 12 hours of labor and two hours of pushing, guess what I said? It was the first, and certainly not the last time I said something I didn't think I ever would.

(Still holding steady on the list: "Maybe George Bush isn't so stupid.")

Maybe it started then, I'll never be the mother of my dreams. I'll scream 'Get it out of me!' and I'll fuck up and I'll keep hoping I'm doing the best I can and that it's all good enough.

I love you Madison. I love you so much I'm not entirely familiar with that feeling. It could be a heart attack, it could be undying love....either/or.

I hope you'll always be sure of that.

Comments

[Michelle]

That was a beautiful post, thus my open weeping. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and am expecting again. I question myself daily and wonder if something I say or do, or don't do, will eventually result in my children needing therapy someday. We all do. And yet all we can do is, like you said, the best we can. Your dedication as a mom, your creativity, your strong marriage, your unconditional love, your humor. Those things are much more than so many kids get. Please take a moment on Madison's birthday to celebrate your own strength as a parent. You are as big a gift to her as she is to you.

[kelly]

Sob!

Man, that last photo? Perfect. Happy Birthday Madison. Someday you'll be a grown woman and you'llbe able to take over for all of us crazy internet people, and hug your mom, and remind her that she's wonderful.

Because she is.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

So sweet! So pretty! So...ooh, I have the exact same outfit she has on in the third picture! I save mine for Christmas too.

[MG]

You and your daughter are lovely. The first photo is gorgeous. Happy happy.

[SAHM]

Maybe we should worry if we ever begin to think that we are perfect mothers... there should always be room for improvement in our lives.

I know that I will never be the mom of my dreams, but my son... he is the child of my dreams - and to me that is what should really matter. I myself get so caught up in the "bad mom" syndrome too.

Great post... here's to being "good enough" moms. No one is perfect.

[Dawn]

Yeah Melissa, it's the "Oh my god, I would actually wrestle another human being or any other threatening thing to the ground and gnaw it to death to save you" feeling.

It's scary, that love. It also explains why my mom would greet me at the door, wide eyed and crazy, screaming "You could have been dead in a ditch!!" , when I didn't call to let her know I'd be late.

[clickmom]

Y'know Melissa, we are all just struggling to do the right thing, even the most confident self assured looking Mom gets into bed at night sometimes and thinks "I sucked today." We just have to resolve not to make the same mistake twice and to let our kids know that we are only human too, and are trying as hard as we can.

No one ever said this was easy, and lord, it isn't!

[suburban misfit]

Happy Birthday Madison!

I don't think you're screwing up at all; she looks pretty darned content to me.

You said in an earlier post that you wondered if all mother/daughter relationships were harder than mother/son relationships (or, that's what I took from it; correct me if I'm wrong). I think it's more a matter of which child is more like you in the things you don't like about yourself.

My son and I are at constant odds. But he's just like me in ways I don't want him to be. He's moody and gets angry really quickly and he gets on people's nerves. My daughter is my polar opposite and we get along great. She's sunny and happy and lovely and popular.

But I try to make sure he knows that I think he's great (and I do, just not for those reasons up there) and I try not to butt heads with him too much.

I try. And so do you. That's what's important; that's what she'll remember. Don't forget, the rest is just sprinkles.

[Liz]

Dawn! My Mom said the exact same thing, greeting me at the door with the pin curlers in her hair! Why I was always in a ditch I'll never know.

Now my oldest is 16 1/2, and every time she drives off, I go through all the driving lessons we did and wonder if I told her about how wet leaves are slippery, or if she remembers that spot that I told her always has standing water after it rains so don't drive through it...and watch out for deer...It's hard to admit that we can only do so much...the best we can...and then we have to hope they picked up something we taught them and everything works out for the best.

[Colleen]

Happy Birthday Madison!

[Stephanie]

Thanks for making ne cry...sometimes you're just too good at that!

[Ninotchka]

very sweet. happy birthday to you both. :)

[TB]

That was lovely. Thanks for being so honest about your experiences with motherhood. I think it is really helping me prepare in a more realistic way.

[DarkoV]

You've probably noticed the pictures on the left hand side for www.cutelittleme.com that's helping to pay for your site. But, have you really looked closely?
Somewhat distrubing.
Does that place specialize in the Jon Benet Ramsey look? Not necessarily a site you'd want to associate yourself with.

If I'm late to the game on this one, shoot me...and then cover up the crime.

[MelissaS]

I disagree, DarkoV.

But you're welcome to whatever opinion you'd like.

I'm not seeing anything on that site which has the 'JonBenet' look, which is actually pageant wear (which you can find at this site )

Any child who wore a cute jumper like this would be laughed off a pageant stage.

Or this? Yes this sexualizes children.

Actually these clothes are no different than what you see at Boden

So please don't stir a nonexistant pot.

[Monica]

Beautiful post, Melissa. Happy Birthday Madison!

[divinecalm]

Happy Birthday Madison!

Mom, you hang in there.

[AmyinMotown]

Awww, now I am all weepy. Happy birthday Madison, and congratulations on surviving seven years, Melissa. My little girl is going to be one in a few weeks, and I look back at the person I was before her and can't believe how much I have changed. l have days where I feel like I could not have screwed this up more, already, and days where feel like I might have half a clue. And what an accurate description of how it feels to love your child. In the last two days I have been peed on twice, adorned with poop once, and screamed at by a cranky snotty cold-suffering baby numerous times, and I so don't mind. Reading your site makes me realize most of us moms are muddling through as best we can. It does seem like the moms who are always patting themselves on the back for how great they are have the most insufferable kids, though.

And I like Suburban Misfit's insight and think it's right on. I even see it in my husband, the things I have no patience for when he does them are flaws of mine as well that I just hate.

Also, fabulous haircut on Maddie. Where does she get it cut? So cute! Mine has no hair at all to speak of, so I am probably at least two years away from having enough hair on her to cut but I am gathering resources.

[Wendy]

Happy Birthday, Madison!!!!!

Maybe the "mother of your dreams" was an illusion all along. When I go through the self deprication of my mothering abilities and question everything I do, my husband says to me, "Don't apologize for who you are."

[elb]

Right before my c-section, I told Brian I was "glad my pussy wasn't gonna get fucked up". That's class, my friend.

Happy day to your girl. Buy her a beer for me.

[laura]

Beautiful post - Happy Birthday, Madison!

[janet]

My firstborn is almost 13, and I have many of the same feelings about messing up her life. I see so much of myself in her, it's almost unbearable. And when we hit the wall and my husband even gets frustrated because my worst and most hated traits are displayed in pre-teen form, I just want to punish myself. It is so painful. And I am convinced it will never get easier. That's not rah-rah supportive at all, and I'm sorry.
Then I look at my 10 year old. She is open and bright and truly wants to be with me always, talking to me always and telling me everything about her day! She worries, but she doesn't hold it in like her mother and sister do, so I feel like I've improved as a parent. But then I think, it's really not my "fault" at all, each kid got the same deal... same crazy mom and dad. Same life experiences, all of it.
It makes no sense. None of it! Still, no support, but really all the support that there is. If we're really trying, then we have these thoughts. If we don't doubt ourselves and challenge ourselves to be better parents, then we're really just dumb, I think. I don't know one single person that I admire that thinks they have all the answers. I know pleanty of people who think they have all of the answers, but I wouldn't put them in the "stellar parenting" category. They'd be more Goofus than Gallant, really.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

I think it is the sign of a good mother that you do worry about your relationship and your effect on her.

Too many people just don't care. Just love her in that heart attack inducing way and she'll be okay.

[Erika]

Happy birthday to Madison!

And, are you kidding me? No plaster of paris photo?

[mags]

ha! I did the same thing during the birth of my daughter. Oh, I wanted it to be this beautiful, peaceful birth. Had the tranquil birth music palying, lights low & candles lit, but after the epidurla wore off and an hour of pushing I uttered the same thing. "Just get it out of me!" And yes, my vagina has never been the same either.

At least mine wasn't caught on tape.

[Isabel]

Dear Melissa,

Happy Birthday to Madison. And, Congratulations to you.

I think children should see their parents have their own personal "meltdowns" every so often. It's valuable to have a child see mommy throw a tantrum and then watch as she recovers. Because, that's the real world. No one is perfect, not even Mommy, and they need to understand that. What I think you do so wonderfully is communicate to your children that whatever you're feeling, it's not their fault, but your own personal issue.

"Good Enough" is just great. Alas, that is what I strive for everyday.

Isabel

[WindyLou]

Madison has a smashing haircut!

Quit beating yourself up about how good a mom you are already. I'm sure you're doing fine.

[Emmy]

Lis that one was so good! I remember when Madison was born, my mom went to a hospital with a little mini beer for Logan (which, frankly, you definitely deserved wayyy more) and I was so excited to hear whether it was a girl or boy. It's really weird that it has been seven years since then.

Congratulations you've done very well, give her a hug for me!

[Kim]

November 16th is a great day to have a baby...my first was born that day in '94 :)

[Jennifer]

Just lovely. You're a very lucky woman, and I know you know that. But also? She's one lucky kid, and somehow I'm quite sure you might not believe *that*. As for me, I have no doubt.

Happy birthing day to you. And a year full of every wish come true to your beautiful girl.

[andreainjapan]

Happy Birthday little girl,
your mommy made me cry but reminded me yet again why I love my daughter so much.

[Mabel]

What sweet pictures and what a great post! Thanks!

[Lyn]

How lovely.

[Sentimental (Shannon)]

What a sweet post. Happy Birthday to your sweetie, I love that last picture. Awesome!

[norma]

My sister-in-law used eat a whole pizza (she swears this brought on her labor),take my niece's clothes off, put a shower cap on her and announce "It's, It's a GGGIRRRLLL!!!! @ precisely 7:32 pm every year on my niece's birthday. It got harder to get her to cooperate after her 21st birthday though!