I've never felt older or less blonde.

If you would like to feel especially old, go out on the night before Thanksgiving.

On Wednesday night, long known as the Biggest Bar Night of the Year, we asked our friends to come with us to Swanksgiving at the Clarkston Union. We love that place and there was to be a Johnny Cash impersonator, what could be better?

Nothing.

It's a bit of a trot to get up there and with urban sprawl, it's horrific at rush hour. But we're cool people and cool people don't care about things like a drive! Except that the weather didn't cooperate. It turned snowy and icy and in our first move as old people we decided it was too far to go for a night out.

So instead we went to Dick O' Dows in Birmingham. Where we were offered an AARP discount at entry. Not really. At first we looked normal, like the other people at the bar at least. Then around 8pm the crowd began to change.

We first realized things were taking an ugly turn when behind us there was nothing but a sea of blonde squealing girls. They all looked the same. Like robots.

I was wearing my very practical Land's End down coat because it was so cold in the bar. But behind me were girls in their underwear. Or camisoles I guess the young people call them.

It got worse though when one of the scantily clad young blonde robots asked Tom if there was room for her to sit on the same bench seat he was sitting on. He said sure, and then had to move his walker out of the way. That was embarrassing.

Those girls pushed their luck though when they suggested we might feel more comfortable someplace quieter. Like Bill Knapps!

At 8 o'clock we packed up and went to bed. But first we stopped at the store because Logan had a craving for prunes.

Comments

[erin]

bwaahaaha, Bill Knapps. That was my first waitressing job in Grand Rapids. I live in a college town now. Aren't the youngin's scary??

[Theresa]

I'm with you on the feeling old thing. I was buying shoes a few months ago and thinking about how hot the sales guy was when it occurred to me that he was probably young enough to be my son. I would have had him in high school, but still. I haven't been able to ogle college guys in the same way since that little revelation.

[Lisa V]

I am old enough to have given birth to my daughter's teacher. Yes it would have meant I was like a 17 year old unwed mother, but still. When we go out drinking now we just laugh, stare at the blondes and say we are "ghost of Christmas future baby and you will be here before you know it."

[Phil]

You have blonde squealing girls in Michigan? I thought they were all down here in North Carolina. But it was so nice of them to remind you how much better life is as a "mature" person.

[Queen]

Oh, the days when I wore a "barslut" shirt and "went out..." remind me why that was fun again?

[schmutzie]

A year ago, I met a woman who was about 21 in a pub. We were getting along famously when she found out how old I was, and then she kept exclaiming how good I looked for my age and how she hoped that she would hold up as well. I saw her recently, and she had turned into an incredibly dumpy 22, and IT FELT GOOD.

[Nicole]

Those squealing blonde girls made me feel old when I was in college WITH them. I just never could figure out why you'd want to freeze your nipples off to look like a hooker. :)

[Heather]

I felt very old yesterday as the day after Thanksgiving was the type of day the hubby would leave work early and we would spend a few hours being bums at the local tavern. Realized yesterday that was not possible with the arrival of the wee one. Bittersweet feeling.

[jenB]

yesterday, the sales guy at eddie bauer asked my friend and i who MISTER ROGERS WAS when we were discussing cardigans. i expired of old age on the spot.

[AndreainJapan]

At work the other day one of the new kids called me his Sempai (older and wiser coworker) and I just stood there in silence. DAMN!
Then my husband almost fainted because his pants were tight.
Age creaps up and then WHAMMY we notice it.

[Lauren]

Dear lord you guys are brave!
Trust me, the blonde robots have nothing on you, you're much cooler and anyway, HELLO you ARE young!
My ten year reunion was last night, I know how you feel though....
I was too scared to go to Dicks O' Dow's on Wednesday. I kind of figured it would be full of blonde squeeling Birminghamster robots with perky boobs and no asses.

[Funnier Nicer SIL]

The Scene: September of this year, I’m in my hometown…on a bar crawl with the The Fireman Husband and 4 of his big burly drinking buddies. A 22-year-old guy standing next to my right starts talking to me. He asks how old I am. I reply, ’30 ISH’ He digs deeper, ‘What, like 32-33?’ I say, ‘Yeah, around there.’ LIE-ISH. He takes a pause, and THEN says….’You’re really pretty for 33.’

Walk over…..limp back… Motherfucker.

For several minutes I considered sicking one of The Fireman’s 4 gigantic friends on this 22-year-old dope. But instead… I gave him an hour long Life Lesson. It started with, ‘Look, I realize that you think that was a compliment but Just. So. You. Know. …….’

Dumb Ass.

[mamaloo]

when I was in beauty school TEN YEARS AGO the high-school girls who were doing vocational there didn't know who the partridge family was! I was outdated at 25.

you left out the part where you drunk them all under the table and then danced on same table...right?

[maia]

Sigh. I so hear you.
Last night I dreamt I was young, carefree, slim and pretty again, flitting from party to party.
Then I woke up.

[roo]

I realized recently that the somewhat snarky fashion dictum, "If you remember it from the first time 'round, don't wear it the second" actually applies to me. Looking at the return of mullets and peg-leg jeans, I feel like my parents must have when bellbottoms came back: "Ugh, I was so happy to get rid of those. Don't they know how unflattering they are?"

Pretty soon everyone will be calling me Ma'am.

[Crouching Hamster]

Hilarious!

[pinky]

god, Bill Knapp's! What is it again...if you're 100 on your birthday your lunch is free?!

[Noonie]

Hey, is that your home address that you used as your starting point? Kewl! Now we can come over and party!!

[clickmom]

You wanna talk anout old? Three years I chickened out on my HS 20 year reunion.

But, I am a total adorable babe at 40, so I think I'll definitley go to the 25th.

[clickmom]

You see what I mean? At 40 you can't tell anout from about with out the youthful reading glasses perched at the tip of your nose!

[Ray]

I think I may have been with those squealing blond girls...at 8? Yeah...that could have very well have been me...Seriously! :)

[Betsy]

Ha! I've been having those kind of moments as well when my age just hits me. But then again, would you really want to relive your self-conscious early-twenties? You're actually at a stage of your life when you can wear your coat when you're cold and when you're self-confident enough to head home when you've had enough of the teenybopper scene.

I actually lived in Troy for 3 years and I had more than one run-in with that same crowd of Birmingham robots! Very "Stepford-in-the-making" and very surreal!

[alice]

I'd comment, but I'm afraid of this newfangled computer machine.

[Hoyt Pollard]

You should have gone to the Tap Room. They probably would have accepted your Seaholm ID as proof. The last time I went there I was depressed for a month.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

I too am surprised that there are camisole-wearing blonde robot Barbies in Michigan, as I assumed we had the monopoly on them here in Charleston. Maybe they shipped them out for the holidays or something? I'm imagining them to look like the Fembots in Austin Powers. But without the boobs that fire bullets.

[NoWhereGirl]

Were we really ever that young, annoying, and PERKY?! Ha ha THough I would gnaw off my left arm to have the body again... the wisdom is too valuable to really want to turn back. Sorry for the reality check. =(

[JenfromBoston]

I LIKE being the age where, when I go out, I can wear a coat in the WINTER when it is SNOWING when I'm off to a bar I am NOT going to wait in a line to get in. So, should I be seeking the AARP forms now?

Also, the lacey camis whatevs...again, what the? I also love it when not only do they wear them in the winter when it's -30 degrees (along w/ the strappy sandals), but to an establishment where it's a beer drinking/peanuts on the floor kind of place. It's funny to hear the guys actually call out the fahsion foul.