soul healing

I had Madison in my mid-twenties. Not very many people have a baby in their mid-twenties because having a baby in your mid-twenties means you can't exactly enjoy your twenties in the ways people typically enjoy their twenties. Or so I've heard. I wouldn't know because I was at home with my baby and zoloft in my twenties.

Because most people are enjoying their twenties and maybe making some money and spending it on things other than diapers and zoloft, none of our friends had children. So we had our foot in that world of nights out and disposable income and it was hard. It was difficult because after a night out we'd have to take care of another person all day while our friends slept in and ate a late breakfast and then went out and spent their disposable income. The income they hadn't spent on zoloft and diapers.

I'll admit that sometimes it was nice to not just be those parents. The ones that spent all their time staring lovingly that the fruit of their loins. Who can never get out. We had a life outside of parenting. We were able to hold onto our non-parent selves because we had surrounded ourselves with people who were not parents.

On the other hand, sometimes it was difficult because we had surrounded ourselves with people who did not share our experience. No one was married. Most weren't dating anyone. No one owned a house. No one stayed awake for 17 months straight.

My closest girlfriends at the time had what they called "money trouble" but I found it difficult to hear as we were the only ones with one income to stretch across four people's needs, a mortgage and zoloft. At one point they decided I had no right to complain about my 'job' and what I should do is get another job to relieve the pressure from my first job.

In fairness, how could they understand what it was like to be a mother? How could they understand the relentless job I did day in and day out? How could they know what it was like to pay a mortgage and buy diapers and zoloft and never sleep because your son has had an ear infection for 4 months straight?

They couldn't.

During that time Logan and I kept trying to find friends who were parents. But finding them and enjoying them was not an easy task. I joined MOMS Club for that reason and wow that worked out really well. They understood what it was like to be a mother. They knew the sacrifices we were making to raise a family on one income. They understood that after not sleeping for 17 months, the answer was not to run out to Starbucks to get a 'real job'. Yes, they were mothers and they were living part of my experience.

But they weren't necessarily all that fun to hang out with because really that was all they could relate to about me.

During that time as I balanced my child-less friends and my all-child-all-the-time friends, I kept wishing for friends to bridge that gap. I didn't want to only talk about kids, but then I didn't want to never talk about kids. I didn't want to only socialize with the kids, but I didn't want to never socialize with the kids.

I dreamed about having friends I could hang out with kids, but would feel equally happy to hang out without kids. I dreamed about two, three, four (etc.) family outings. I dreamed of family dinners shared with others. I dreamed of nights out with other parents that didn't include kids and didn't suck the life out of me with talk of poop and diapers. But did include talk about poop and diapers because, if you ask me, no conversation is complete without talk of poop and diapers.

As my kids got older and things fell apart with the MOMS Club and things fell apart with my single-childless friends, I worried I'd never have that.

Somehow, and I'm not entirely sure how, but I've found a group of women where all of that is true. We talk about poop and we talk about ideas. We try to understand each other's politics. We talk about books. We talk about our fears about raising good kids. We share painful history with each other. We love our kids but they make us want to scream some of the time. We admire each other for a dozen different reasons.

We see each other with our kids. We see each other without our kids. We go out as couples and we go out as families.

This week things have been sticky around these parts and I have never felt so loved and lucky to have found this group of incredible women. Logan made me promise not to write another post about how much I love my friends. Because while the women I'm friends with are the most important part of how I came to this place, the way it has filled an empty void for me is the really important part.

How did I find them? Why did I find them? That's another thing we talk a lot about when we're not telling each other how awesome everyone else is. We all agree it was meant to be. We all needed friends like the ones we've found.

But the craziest part about finding this group of women and having some of us know how to be social (I'll give you a hint: It wasn't me!) and having us all need this group of women to help us through motherhood is how this website has allowed me to cement those relationships.

When this website appeared in the local paper and moms started coming up to me at school and at the park telling me they were reading, I wasn't sure what to think. I write honestly and sometimes painfully. I leave myself open for the people of the world who are so uncertain of themselves they find joy and strength and 'confidence' in judging others harshly.

I thought how I don't mind talking about my depression or my medication but it's not typically how I introduce myself to people I don't know.

"Hi! I'm Melissa, I fantasize about dipping my children in chocolate and eating them. I also take medication for raging depression. Also! I'm an insecure lunatic and also my father killed himself! And what's your name?"

I'll tell you all those things once I know you but the things I write about are kind of, a drag. Probably once I know you, you'll know what I want to tell you. So having people come here and read all this before they'd ever met me. When they see me at school standing and waiting for my daughter, it was unnerving.

On the other hand I started to realize how nice it was to cut through all the MOMS Club hollow interactions and just surround myself with people who 'get' me. If people didn't like me because of what I'd written here, they probably wouldn't like me in real life either. It might just take longer for us to figure out our incompatibility.

I'm also known as someone who is difficult to get to know. In high school someone once 'talked about me behind my back' and it was reported back to me she had said, "Melissa Williams is to herself and by herself."

Wow! Ouch! I went to high school in Birmingham, that's as 'tough' as things got.

So when my friendship started with my group of pals they often questioned if I liked them or not. They couldn't tell. Little did they know I was undressing them all with my eyes everytime we were together. No no no. No really I liked them when we hung out and I'm a socially malfunctioning individual and have no idea how to express myself in person.

So am I the ultimate geek yet? My friends read this website and said to each other, "See! She does like you! But I don't know if she likes me." Then a week later, "No...see! She does like you."

All of that is beside the point but it is one of the reasons I will always (no matter what hassles this stupid website brings me) believe this website is a worthwhile project. It allowed me to come out of my shell and pursue deeper and meaningful friendships with the women I need at the time I need them.

With their love, this summer I never once wanted to dip my children in chocolate and eat them.

When I've talked about friendships and playgroup here before I know it's struck a chord for many of you reading this. I wanted to write about how these women have filled a place that was empty and kind of painful before. How badly I wanted a good group of friends who 'fit' me.

I wanted to tell you to keep trying to find the women that fit into the place you have that's empty. Because I do not know what I would do without them.

I think I might know and I think it would involve eating my young.

After Blogher Dooce wrote about our time at Blogher: This makes her the perfect person to hang out with during a playgroup, YOU PEOPLE IN MICHIGAN DON‘T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE.

I showed my group of friends and one said, "But she's wrong, we do know what we have."

I never thought I'd find friends in my real life who would say that.

Comments

[clickmom]

Amen to that Melissa. When I had my first (at 28) I almost died of the sheer lonliness of it all. I managed to make friends- but have only recently found women that I can totally see lasting relationships with, and boy, does it feel good at night to close my eyes and know that there are moms out there who have my back.

[Michelle]

Wait, so dipping your children in chocolate and eating them is a bad thing?

[Sami]

Thank you for sharing this, Melissa. It couldn't have been timelier for me. I've tried hanging onto the same single/childless friends for years hoping that they would catch up to me and we could relate again, but after ten years of waiting, I am damn lonely. I really miss having friends who "get" me and just in the last week or so I've decided I have to do something about it now, before my medication no longer does the trick. But I am socially inept and in addition to being a mommy, I have a full-time job (that I despise) that is full of two categories of people: uber-religious new grandparents and those young, childless blonde robots like you saw at Dick O' Dows last week. So, yeah, not relating well to my "peers" at work.

Any suggestions on where to meet like-minded mommies in the Nashville, TN area?

[Courtney]

i don't know if it's harder to have kids at my age (24) or if i would have waited until 27. IT does suck to be the only parent in the group, the friends always say stuff like, we didn't call becase we figured you couldn't make it.

That part about what your friend said at the bottom was awesome. made my day for you :-)

[Stephanie]

Yes, yes, we DO know what we have! And we're all so thrilled to have it.

For Sami, I don't know how old your kids are, but school (or daycare) is a good place to start for meeting other moms. You may not find your best friend, but it's worth a try. It took Melissa and I four years to figure out that we liked each other so much.

And Melissa, what a great post! My life is so much better for knowing you.

[beki]

Thanks Melissa, you give me hope. I'm still waiting to find that perfect fit.

[amy]

It's one of the best reasons for me to blog: in person I am so reserved, and I don't know how to open up, but on the blog I can let it all hang out. I've met (virtually) some wonderful people with the blog which I completely and wholly cherish. I do wish I had some local moms I felt the same way about, though.
I'm so glad you found some!

[Ani]

Thank you. That's reassuring to know they are out there. Glad you have found yours.

[Sami]

Thanks for the suggestion, Stephanie. I guess the difficulty in meeting parents at school has been that my daughter goes to private school and I'm much younger than most of her friends' parents. (My daughter's ten and I had her when I was 20.) But that sounds like a lame excuse -- my son will be starting Kindergarten next year, so maybe I'll have better luck with the parentals in that grade. :)

I was beginning to wonder if maybe having best friends was something we grow out of, but reading here about your friendships gives me hope that I can have that closeness with someone again. There's just something so cool about having friends who know you so well they can finish your sentences and can make you laugh with only a look. I miss that!

Four years, huh? I'd better get started! :)

[still]

I've been reading you for over two years. I'm so glad you found these women and this place that you are in. I remember the MOMS club days and the summer of wanting to eat your children. I'm happy that you have found women who make you feel welcomed and part of it and connected. Its a good thing.

[Theresa]

I'm very fortunate in that I have one childless friend who totally gets me and is also interested in my daughter. She doesn't understand the parenting stuff on a personal level but she knows it's hard and has been very supportive. I actually think the fact that she's not a mother has helped because we don't feel tempted to judge the other's parenting in order to make ourselves feel better about our own parenting choices. Can you tell I'm having a harder time being friends with other mothers than non-mothers? I do have one new mom friend that I'm hopeful about though. :)

[Susan]

I love this post; it's so funny and hopeful and happy. And I'm glad you won't be eating your young. Although that Max IS pretty tasty looking . . .

[AmyinMotown]

Melissa, thanks for this post. I have been envious reading about your great friends, and it really points up for me how lonely I am as a mom. I have friends I adore, or those with kids live far, work during the day or we just don't connect for whatever reason. I joined a parenting group through the hospital where we had my daughter and holy CRAP I have never felt so unliked and so like I didn't fit in since seventh grade. I crave, like you said, moms I can hang out with with kids or without, whose husbands like mine, and so on. I am also socialy inept and need to just ask that nice neighbor or the one cool mom from parenting group to hang out sometime.

I do think part of the problem is that women can be so competitive. Case in point: I struck up a conversation with a mom I met at garage sale, of all things. Her daughter was like a few days younger than mine and we got to talking. I said sometig like "I really am enjoying five months. I am really starting to have a blast with her now." And her response was "Yes" but then hastily, "of course, I have felt that way right along, loved every minute of it." Sheesh. It's like God forbid we admit to each other that this job is hard and that you can love your child with your whole heart and soul and still have days where you want to run far away from home at the same time.

That's why I have come to really like your blog--you do put it all out there and are so honest about everything. You're so Not Stepford. It helps me feel like maybe I am doing okay, that we all question ourselves and that motherhood is a work in progress. Today's post gave me hope too that eventually the mom side of me and the beer drinking, music loving, politics debating sides of me might someday be able to play with the same people!

[Lolo]

What a great post! Thank you so much, you've given me hope! :)
Ok, don't take this as blog-stalker-ish, but just like you, I had my baby in my mid-20's, I am currently spending all our money on diapers and Zoloft AND I am in the 13th (I pray to God not to be 17th, sorry..) of not a single full night of sleep. Oh yeah, as I've said before too, Seaholm, yuck. I've been on a hunt for great girlfriends who know where I'm coming from, know what it's like being a Mom and still want to have conversations not revolving around just teething. All of my husband and my old friends are single, without children. We are the dorks home on Saturday night. Friday night for that matter. It can get lonely. Slowly but surely I've joined some classes and playgroups. I'n trying to get involved. I can say I have had some shallow Mom to Mom conversations, but now I'm starting to have some real connections that I hope lead to great friendships. Friends are everything. The support, laughter, love, encouragment, it is so priceless. Thanks Melissa, for reminding me to keep looking and not to let that one rude Mom from playgroup who looked at my non-designer jeans with an evil eye stop me from searching.

[Katy]

I'm 25 and my daughter is 7 months and sometimes I want to rip my friend's heads off when they complain about how their parents make them pay board or how they cant afford to go out for the 11th time that month. And then the couple of friends I do have that have kids make me poke my eyes out because they seem to be doing this so much better than me. Without monthly meltdowns.

You give me hope that I'll find a happy medium. And I'm glad you have done.

[Dana]

Great post. I am going though this exact same thing right now. I got knocked up and married while in college and had my first kid a year after I was able to legally drink. There was none of the wild oat sowing for me. It is really hard and very depressing to balance both the world of single or childless friends and the world of your day-to-day family life. We only have one couple friend who has children. That's it. I was the youngest mom in our local Moms Club, and the youngest in the Le Leche League. The only way I could relate was that we all had kids.

This is also the reason I blog, because I feel like I'm at least talking to SOMEONE who can relate, even if it's a mom a state away. And if no one reads I can at least pretend that someone is listening.

Again, I loved the post. It dispels the BS myth that moms don't get lonely since they get to stay at home in the company of their kids all day.
- Dana

[Jennifer]

I had my first at 19 and my second at 25. Not exactly a highly populated mommy demographic. That was 24 years ago, and I'm still looking for those women.

Good for you. And even better for them, in my opinion.

[Wood]

I'm happy for you. I'm still at that in-my-twenties-with-a-baby-and-no-married-much-less-parent-friends, so you give me hope.

[Katie]

You don't know how much I needed to read this today. We moved halfway across the country 2 1/2 years ago and I'm still trying to find other moms who, according to my litmus test, I would feel comfortable calling any time of the day with my just my random thoughts and weird sense of humor.

[Kat]

You don't know how much I needed to hear this. I'm actually good at telling people all about me in person, including how hard it's been to be a mom and run a company. The good thing is that it's earned me a position as an "expert" in this in my community, but the bad thing is, I think is that women seem to think I have some secret answer. I don't. It's fucking hard and it never lets up. I started a working moms group and I've been really frustrated with how people just flat out lie about their experiences. Some claim "they couldn't do this without a supportive spouse" when I know from experience their spouse is an asshole. Some claim to feel very respected and supported at work then tell me in an unguarded moment how much they hate their boss. Then the convesation devolves, because we're all doing great, right?!! and we talk about something inane, like birth stories. Holy fuck, I am sick of birth stories! Anyway, in an hour and a half I'm going to a local coffeeshop and meet a few women from a parenting board and hope that they might be my mama soulmates. :) And I do have a few mama friends that work and are cool chicks, I just have to figure out how to get us all in one room together.

Which leads me to ask, how do you all get together? I'm guessing that because we work it's harder than SAHMs (am I totally off about that?) but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I'm not going to give up on having women friends I can depend on!

[Leslie]

Thank you SO MUCH for posting this!

Right now I'm in limbo right now -- dancing between childless friends and friends with kids -- and frankly, neither is a perfect fit! I'm hoping to find that group of pals who, like yours, "get me."

This post has motivated me to keep searching!

[Danielle]

I love that you are so vocal about how important your friends are to you. One thing my mother taught me that has really stuck to me all these years is the value of a true friend.

I'm amazed at the people who have a continuingly revolving set of "friends." I could never walk through my life with only acquaintances. They'd never be able to help carry me over the rough spots.

My mom's faced some really tough times, and without fail, her friends would swoop in and help her get through it. She always says that if you find even one true friend in your life, you're blessed.

I think your love and loyalty and appreciation of your friends is a wonderful thing for your children to see.

[kelly]

I started my family in my mid 20's too. My social circle -- such as it was -- disappeared when I could no longer go to three day dance parties downtown. I have moved so many times that I've never been able to keep a group of friends, long distance friendships are fine and great, but they lack the real-time expenditure necessary to maintaining a deeper relationship. I hope that I'll be staying where I'm at now for a long time, even though I'm not in love with Ohio. Maybe I, too will find a group of friends who get me. Who will let me stammer and blush and talk out my ass and exaggerate to impress them without stopping the most important loving of me. Or something.

I loved this post, Melissa. Now I'm going to go have a cold beer and cry.

[Erin]

I got tears in my eyes at the end of this. You are a truly magnificient writer. It would be a joy to be your friend.

[Christina]

Wow, I didn't realize just how much I can identify with you (although for me it's Zoloft and Wellbutrin). Thank you for that post - it gives me hope that things will get better.

I'm 29, and since having my daughter I've watched all of my childless friends disappear. It's no one's fault, really. We would all call and say, "Gee, we need to get together sometime..." and then it would never happen for one reason or another. Also, my coworkers are young, unmarried and totally don't understand my point of view.

I do have some married-with-kids friends, who my husband and I adore, but they all live 2 hours away in southern Ohio, and the drive is hard to do more than once a month. I sometimes wish we still lived there instead of Columbus.

I tried joining a MOMS group, but was actually told I wasn't allowed to join. Apparently, if you don't live in their snooty school district, you're not welcome to join their little tea party. I believe that was the point I added Wellbutrin to my medications.

I was certainly never the popular one (more like the geeky one), but I didn't think that motherhood would make me a pariah. Your post is very inspiring. I'm still new to this mommyhood thing, and I see I need to keep working at it. I can't wait to find people like my long-distance friends; people who I can pour my soul out to one minute, and then collapse into laughter with the next as we share diaper blow-out stories. I know they exist somewhere here in this town.

I envy the closeness you have with your friends. You're a very lucky woman to have such fabulous friends.

[Molly]

Melissa,

I started my family in my early twenties, and that was 18-1/2 years ago. You won't believe this, but you are light years ahead of me! I'm just now beginning to find a few friends that "get" me and where my life is right now. Be proud of that and enjoy it!

And for everyone else still stuck in the loneliness, have faith, it will happen, it just takes longer for some...

[Meredith]

Damn You. Damn you for making my cry.

If only. If only women could be as honest with each other and themselves are you are to the world. If only we could all scream out that we are lonely and need interaction without having to go look for it in groups of MOMS groups. If only we could all have patience and take time to really feel each other out before judging.

I think what we learn from your post (not that it was your purpose for posting) is that it isn't easy, it is not expected. In fact, friendships in this arena are harder to recognize and more difficult to maintain than in the real world.

Thanks again and as always.

[Sara]

Please tell us where you met these friends. Please.

I had my first at 29 and my second at 33 and all our friends are heading into their 30's and still doing all the 20's stuff, and its fun, but we can't even do the "go out with them and regret it the next morning" because we have few reliable babysitting options. And I had similar experiences to your MOMS club experiences every time I tried to go do some Mom and Kid activity to meet other people with kids. I've tried joining the PTA and doing Kindermusik and even checked out Sunday School and I got lots of Mommy Judgement and not much else. Sucks.

By the way - My DH and his brother are both graduates of the same B'ham high school you are, I think. DH is older than you but BIL might have been there while you were there. So, while I now live several states away, I know the area of which you speak, and I can *picture* your MOMS club women in my mind. DH dragged me to one of his high school reunions without telling me what it would be like, and I showed up in slacks and a sweater to a freaking 90210 reunion show, where everyone was either dressed in Republican Coat Dresses with Anchors on the Buttons, or see-through halter tops with spangles. Yikes!

[surcie]

It's good to realize that I'm not alone--that other moms lack comraderie. I long for close friendships with other mothers, too.

[Bethany]

Damn Straight! Keep those friends, cultivate those relationships, and be yourself--always. Don't worry, *we* fit you, that is why we keep reading. :-)

[Laura]

A great post. I was 23 when I had my first and 25 when I had my second, so I completely understand. When I was busy with a premature infant, one friend commented that she didn't know if her parents would "allow" her to do something. It was then that I realized that things were never going to be quite the same. It does help to find friends you can share all things with. Although I did discover after I had my first baby that everyone at Target with a baby suddenly was your friend...

[maia]

Your story is mine. Except my brother killed himself, not my dad. Now working and have my work friends but damn if I didn't have some friends who as you put it 'Really Get Me'.

[Alana Ansley]

That was a wonderful post! I have experienced so many of the same things. We moved to Texas 5 1/2 years ago, I started a new career (teaching), and had a baby within a year, at 26. I've made a few friends, but not that many close ones, and I'm still wondering if I ever will here. I am one of the only moms I know who works full-time, so playgroups, classes, and birthday parties all happen on weekdays when I am at work. Classes at the local YMCA that I want to take are all during the day, as well. I don't have a choice to work or not, but I think I would go crazy if I didn't.

Everyone here also seems to belong to a church, and has lots of friends through that. My co-workers who I am friends with are childless, and can't understand why I can't just drop everything at a moment's notice and go to the movies. It's so frustrating sometimes, because I feel like I am missing out on so many opportunities to bond with other women.

What's crazy about all this is that most of the kids that we meet when we are out and about are rude, and the moms seem so happy to be out of the house that they ignore their kids' bad behavior. We do live in a Stepford-like community, and most of the moms who I see are not people I would want to be friends with. I want to meet moms who can talk about things other than their kids, don't care if they have a manicure or not, "get" my sarcasm, and who like to drink beer. I think you and I would be great friends! All you have to do is move to Texas...

[Bree]

I am still waiting to find those friends too. I a couple friends but none that we can do the kid thing or without. I am so glad you found some awesome friends. I am keeping my eyes peeled for mine.

[Andriapi]

Loved your post! I never realized how many of us there are out there. I was just a few months’ shy of my 21st birthday when I had my son. Over the last decade I have given up on finding other women that can identify with the things that I've gone through.
Thank you for your honesty and for helping to bring us hope.

[amanda]

So beautifully written, thanks so much for sharing your words. Another young mom here (three by thirty! Ha!) who struggled to bridge that gap between all-child and child-less friends. After lots of "work" to find them (ugh, playgroups, moms groups) I've managed to find a few amazing women who've become more than just a "mom friend" and I treasure those relationships so very much. And yes...I think 'keep looking' is the best advice...they're looking for you too!

[MoMMY]

You made me cry, damn you!

I'm so happy you found those friends. I wish I could find a few. I'm another who had kids in her 20's. Now that the kids are getting a bit older it would be nice to meet some people who liked to go out occasionally and can also do kid talk. It seems to be either/or around here.

[gigi]

What a beautifully written post! In some ways I can understand where you are coming from. My husband and I don't have children but we want a baby so very much- it just doesn't seem to be happening in our timeline. We moved out to Michigan in the beginning of the year and making friends has been murder! Since the husband is still in school, all of his fellow classmates are practically teenagers and we are in our early 30's. It doesn't make for a terribly good match. Especially when we are more focused on my fertile days than keggers. He actually gets phone calls from fellow students inviting us to hang out and "maybe get stoned". Ha! That's a world away from where we are in life!

I have to say that I was completely shocked when I saw the line in your post about your father killing himself. It stunned me. My father killed himself about 4 years ago. I don't go around advertising it either. People actually like to ask some rather personal questions when you bring it up and I'd rather avoid the whole issue. I also don't want to be known as the girl who's dad shot himself. I talk about it in my blog but not often and only if it is really bothering me. Thanks for saying something about your dad. It makes a difference, even if you don't realize it. So thanks.

[Chris]

This is my first time reading your blog. I can't beleive you wrote about an issue that has been so upsetting to me - the lack of friends.
Let me clarify. I recently moved about 1200 miles away from my closest dearest friends, the friends who "get" me. I'm now married and expecting in April. I dread the thought of those MOMS clubs. I feel completely misunderstood in this city and the one friend I have here is a younger busy single career girl.

You have given me hope. Thank you.

[Chris]

P.S. I am a bad speller, grammatically incorrect good person.

[joaaanna]

You write so well Melissa. You really do. Thank you for sharing that.

You AND your friends are so very fortunate to have each other.

I miss having girlfriends.

[Angel]

Thank you for being so open and eloquent. I spent my mid-20's with diapers and zoloft too, so I understand. I had friends who didn't understand me being a SAHM, and the friends who didn't understand the PPD. Lonely time : /

[SueFromOhio]

Could you just poke me in the heart with a hotter skewer? You hit the nail on the head with this post. I'm at such a 'stand-still' with trying to find friends in this cowpie riddled town we live in that I am actually begging my husband to try and take another job in another city, another state. Just for the chance to start over and try again. All the women 'friends' I tried to make here turned out to be just like the same backstabbing witches I went to high school with...MWF 34, looking for friends w/children, 3 of my own...help!

[Heidi]

The best thing about these kinds of friends is that they NEVER judge. You can have them to your house without picking up toys. They understand if you need to leave in the middle of dinner with a screaming kid. They come to your house to drink when you can't find a babysitter so you can get your kid in bed on time and still enjoy the evening.

I am lucky to have four of them. One single, one cohabitating (with pets), one married (with pets) and one married with a two-year-old and pregnant again.

I met them all at different points in my life when I had a void. I really think it must have been Fate.

They are not friends with each other, but they are mine. And they'd do anything for me...just like I would for them.

[Kristen]

The funny thing is, I'm 33 with a 9 month old and I still haven't found the friends that fit. In my town, if the main source of conversation isn't the fast track to the right preschool or developmental learning classes, the BMW SUV or the latest soccer mom outfit, you are on the outs. I guess everyone can have those moments of being on the outside looking in.

[Emmy]

I love the way you write about your friends, I feel the same way about mine and I think that people don't usually believe that females can get along together so well without competition.

And PS, you definitely deserve it!

[IrishGoddess]

I had my first baby after leaving all my friends to move to Rhode Island while my husband went to grad school. I was pregnant, married, working full time, couldn't drink - and the only people I knew were the artsy grad students at RISD. They looked at me like I was a foreign object, and I couldn't explain to them who I REALLY was (a cool, funny, feminist.) I was so incredibly lonely. Two years later we moved to Grand Rapids MI, but it still took a long, long time to meet anyone that I truly liked, and who really understood me and my weird life. I am happy for you that you have found an entire group of friends! I am secretly very jealous!

[roo]

When I started blogging, I hoped to bypass my shyness/weirdness in making relationships-- my tendency to want to alter myself to make myself more acceptable. This worked brilliantly when no one read my journal; now that I have an audience of at least five (impressive, I know), I'm feeling weird and anxious again.

You've talked about feeling awkward interacting with people in real life, yet you seem pretty fearless when you're writing. How do you do it?

[Betsy]

Wow, what a great post! And I thought I was the only one to feel that void-- I've got a lot of acquaintances but have met very few people who actually "get" me.

And I've had the same experiences with moms' groups-- the social contact kept me from going completely over the edge when the kids were babies, but I'd often come home afterwards feeling even lonelier because I just didn't seem to click with anyone!

Now that my kids are older and I'm more confident about my parenting skills I feel a little less isolated. But I'm still looking for that right fit within a group of women who share similar interests.

Thanks for the affirmation that this actually *is* possible to find while keeping all the other balls up in the air!

[Courtney]

Wow. I couldn't have read this at a better time. Thank you.

I'm 34, with a 9 month old. We recently moved halfway across the country, and, being the socially inept person that I am, I've made exactly zero friends so far.

It doesn't help that we live in a neighborhood where even the SAHMs have nannies, so I'm usually the only non-nanny at the park...

[Adam]

Really liked the post. Sounds like that you are NOT as alone as you might have first thought. As I get older-yes, there are older people than you that have to do all this- to my everlasting amazement my better half has found a group that is a bit like yours. The trips to the emotional desert get shorter and I have seen some of the joy she had return and I am grateful to her friends. As the "baby goats" grow and get harder heads, our new job as the "older by 10 years than the rest most of them" (attributed to the late startis to get the ice packs out and hand out the beers and advise to apply liberally when asked. There are a lot of smiles even when thing suck.

[Lily]

Awww, Melissa, that is just SUPERB! I so wish I could come to Michigan and hang with you, and I don't even HAVE kids! But I could borrow some just for the event! :-) Seriously, you're the best. It's because you're so real AND so funny that we love you; they're both such key ingredients. Mwah...

[sarah]

Thank you, Melissa, for being so honest. I think a lot of us need to hear what you have to say. Apparently, we're ALL lonely and looking for people we can be ourselves with, we're just too shy to say it.

I just moved from the West Coast to the East Coast this past summer. Not only do I not have friends with kids, I don't have any friends at all. Not in the same time zone as me, anyway. Thank you for the reminder that they will come.

And enjoy being yourself with people who 'get' you. That's the best thing ever.

[Marla]

I really loved this post. It's so hard being an all-day/night mom. I have to get out and make friends for my sanity (all of my "old" friends work outside the home), but it has been a challenge to find people you connect with beyond poop and sleep topics.I joined MOMS club and experiencing the same thing. Anyways, cheers to you finding a safe place to be YOU.

[t]

What a beautiful post! I am so envious of you and your friends. I really cannot wait to move, so I can hopfully find women like you.

[alice]

STOP MAKING ME CRY.

[Lil]

I'm so glad you've found your "fit."
My search for such a find continues, but it's certainly reassuring that they are out there somewhere. Love your site.

[Christine]

I'm almost the opposite. I'm 35 and having my first. I find that it's hard to relate to people that do have kids. And until I have one for myself, I really will never know. I want to have friends that I can talk to about everything, but since we moved 7 years ago, it seems that only a few people really need friends at this stage in their lives. Sad. Because I am a very good friend. I can listen like no one's business. I am friendly and generous. I wish we lived closer so that you could teach me everything you know about parenting. I guess I'll just have to keep reading your blog to learn.

Thanks for being there, and teaching me something new everyday.
Christine

[Krista]

Hi,
I am a long time reader, first time commenter. I had my first child at 20 and my second at 25 (how old I currently am). What a timely post this was for me. I am now struggling and ruminating about the things you spoke of. The idea to hold on to hope that I may find people I can relate to BOTH as a mother, and as an individual coming from you means alot to me. I know you understand my frustration and pain because I have been reading about it for as long as you've been posting it. So thanks for the reminder that it is possible to find relationships like that and to keep hopeful that I might find them too.

[Elsa]

This is my first time on this blog (my first time on any blog!)and, like the previous posters, it gives me hope. Thanks Melissa for so bravely and eloquently expressing the loneliness we socially inept moms can endure, and the joy that true friends can bring...certainly we all need friends like that. I hope that I can find some. Right now I'm still in the searching, hoping, lonely stage. Thank you!

[bianca]

I'm so shocked to find other people who've had their kids in their twenties...both you and those who've commented on your post. And we're all there, in that same place, either wishing for friends or finding friends or having friends. I mean, women at work have their social circles and their working circles. We socialize and work in the same place; why would we want to so it all in solitude?

[Jaime]

I am new to the blogging world but when I ran across this post today, I had to comment. I had my first baby 2 weeks after I turned 25. My friends are all childless. While most of them are married/engaged/serious relationship, they do not have kids yet. Its hard sometimes to relate about our day to day lives because mine is full of Dora the Explorer and diapers, not my cute new puppy and cool new kegerator in my basement bar! Those friends mean a lot to me; they are extended family, but I am still searching for those friends to be parents with as well as friends. Wish me luck! Visit my blog sometime--www.supermom04.blogspot.com