I had Madison in my mid-twenties. Not very many people have a baby in their mid-twenties because having a baby in your mid-twenties means you can't exactly enjoy your twenties in the ways people typically enjoy their twenties. Or so I've heard. I wouldn't know because I was at home with my baby and zoloft in my twenties.
Because most people are enjoying their twenties and maybe making some money and spending it on things other than diapers and zoloft, none of our friends had children. So we had our foot in that world of nights out and disposable income and it was hard. It was difficult because after a night out we'd have to take care of another person all day while our friends slept in and ate a late breakfast and then went out and spent their disposable income. The income they hadn't spent on zoloft and diapers.
I'll admit that sometimes it was nice to not just be those parents. The ones that spent all their time staring lovingly that the fruit of their loins. Who can never get out. We had a life outside of parenting. We were able to hold onto our non-parent selves because we had surrounded ourselves with people who were not parents.
On the other hand, sometimes it was difficult because we had surrounded ourselves with people who did not share our experience. No one was married. Most weren't dating anyone. No one owned a house. No one stayed awake for 17 months straight.
My closest girlfriends at the time had what they called "money trouble" but I found it difficult to hear as we were the only ones with one income to stretch across four people's needs, a mortgage and zoloft. At one point they decided I had no right to complain about my 'job' and what I should do is get another job to relieve the pressure from my first job.
In fairness, how could they understand what it was like to be a mother? How could they understand the relentless job I did day in and day out? How could they know what it was like to pay a mortgage and buy diapers and zoloft and never sleep because your son has had an ear infection for 4 months straight?
They couldn't.
During that time Logan and I kept trying to find friends who were parents. But finding them and enjoying them was not an easy task. I joined MOMS Club for that reason and wow that worked out really well. They understood what it was like to be a mother. They knew the sacrifices we were making to raise a family on one income. They understood that after not sleeping for 17 months, the answer was not to run out to Starbucks to get a 'real job'. Yes, they were mothers and they were living part of my experience.
But they weren't necessarily all that fun to hang out with because really that was all they could relate to about me.
During that time as I balanced my child-less friends and my all-child-all-the-time friends, I kept wishing for friends to bridge that gap. I didn't want to only talk about kids, but then I didn't want to never talk about kids. I didn't want to only socialize with the kids, but I didn't want to never socialize with the kids.
I dreamed about having friends I could hang out with kids, but would feel equally happy to hang out without kids. I dreamed about two, three, four (etc.) family outings. I dreamed of family dinners shared with others. I dreamed of nights out with other parents that didn't include kids and didn't suck the life out of me with talk of poop and diapers. But did include talk about poop and diapers because, if you ask me, no conversation is complete without talk of poop and diapers.
As my kids got older and things fell apart with the MOMS Club and things fell apart with my single-childless friends, I worried I'd never have that.
Somehow, and I'm not entirely sure how, but I've found a group of women where all of that is true. We talk about poop and we talk about ideas. We try to understand each other's politics. We talk about books. We talk about our fears about raising good kids. We share painful history with each other. We love our kids but they make us want to scream some of the time. We admire each other for a dozen different reasons.
We see each other with our kids. We see each other without our kids. We go out as couples and we go out as families.
This week things have been sticky around these parts and I have never felt so loved and lucky to have found this group of incredible women. Logan made me promise not to write another post about how much I love my friends. Because while the women I'm friends with are the most important part of how I came to this place, the way it has filled an empty void for me is the really important part.
How did I find them? Why did I find them? That's another thing we talk a lot about when we're not telling each other how awesome everyone else is. We all agree it was meant to be. We all needed friends like the ones we've found.
But the craziest part about finding this group of women and having some of us know how to be social (I'll give you a hint: It wasn't me!) and having us all need this group of women to help us through motherhood is how this website has allowed me to cement those relationships.
When this website appeared in the local paper and moms started coming up to me at school and at the park telling me they were reading, I wasn't sure what to think. I write honestly and sometimes painfully. I leave myself open for the people of the world who are so uncertain of themselves they find joy and strength and 'confidence' in judging others harshly.
I thought how I don't mind talking about my depression or my medication but it's not typically how I introduce myself to people I don't know.
"Hi! I'm Melissa, I fantasize about dipping my children in chocolate and eating them. I also take medication for raging depression. Also! I'm an insecure lunatic and also my father killed himself! And what's your name?"
I'll tell you all those things once I know you but the things I write about are kind of, a drag. Probably once I know you, you'll know what I want to tell you. So having people come here and read all this before they'd ever met me. When they see me at school standing and waiting for my daughter, it was unnerving.
On the other hand I started to realize how nice it was to cut through all the MOMS Club hollow interactions and just surround myself with people who 'get' me. If people didn't like me because of what I'd written here, they probably wouldn't like me in real life either. It might just take longer for us to figure out our incompatibility.
I'm also known as someone who is difficult to get to know. In high school someone once 'talked about me behind my back' and it was reported back to me she had said, "Melissa Williams is to herself and by herself."
Wow! Ouch! I went to high school in Birmingham, that's as 'tough' as things got.
So when my friendship started with my group of pals they often questioned if I liked them or not. They couldn't tell. Little did they know I was undressing them all with my eyes everytime we were together. No no no. No really I liked them when we hung out and I'm a socially malfunctioning individual and have no idea how to express myself in person.
So am I the ultimate geek yet? My friends read this website and said to each other, "See! She does like you! But I don't know if she likes me." Then a week later, "No...see! She does like you."
All of that is beside the point but it is one of the reasons I will always (no matter what hassles this stupid website brings me) believe this website is a worthwhile project. It allowed me to come out of my shell and pursue deeper and meaningful friendships with the women I need at the time I need them.
With their love, this summer I never once wanted to dip my children in chocolate and eat them.
When I've talked about friendships and playgroup here before I know it's struck a chord for many of you reading this. I wanted to write about how these women have filled a place that was empty and kind of painful before. How badly I wanted a good group of friends who 'fit' me.
I wanted to tell you to keep trying to find the women that fit into the place you have that's empty. Because I do not know what I would do without them.
I think I might know and I think it would involve eating my young.
After Blogher Dooce wrote about our time at Blogher: This makes her the perfect person to hang out with during a playgroup, YOU PEOPLE IN MICHIGAN DON‘T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE.
I showed my group of friends and one said, "But she's wrong, we do know what we have."
I never thought I'd find friends in my real life who would say that.
