Nothing says Christmas like a new sofa and medication withdrawal

I know Logan's really sensitive and well groomed. I know he's good at cooking and really great with the laundry.

But I'm just not sure I can deal with Lifetime Movies being introduced into our marriage. Tonight he's bound and determined to watch this horrifying movie. No matter how many times I ask him why? No matter how many times I question his sexuality.

It's as if he's living in another world. A world where movies where a disfigured man and Janine Turner go ice skating giggling like a pair of turds is perfectly normal. Not just normal...it's compelling.

This is not helping my attempt to get off Lexapro. Yes, it's been a long run, longer than I'd intended. But it's time to try to go it alone. When I began taking the medication I was anxious and depressed.

I was anxious about specific issues, I'm not allowed to discuss. (No not them.) I was depressed so badly by the end of that one summer. Those issues I can't speak of have been resolved and summer is far off and besides that, last summer was not nearly as painful as the one where I nearly ate my children alive. So why have I stayed on it? I've been afraid I'll end up depressed again. I've been afraid  of the withdrawal. But there are side effects I'm not willing to live with anymore.

The biggest being the weight. The God Damned weight. The weight has led me to being so much more depressed than the depression. I can't bear to look at myself anymore. I can barely stand to put clothes on in the morning because I hate how they look on me.

For many years I had an eating disorder and one of the weirdest parts about being fat is how when I was thin as a rail I felt fat. Now that I really am fat, I find myself trying to use the old self talk I had to use to keep myself from starving myself.

"You're fine. You are not fat, you just see yourself fat. If you don't eat it will only get worse. You'll look fatter and fatter in your head."

So now I find myself loathing my body and pretty much everything about myself and I try to calm that hateful voice by telling myself it isn't that bad. You just see yourself as fat.

But you know what? I really am fat. Maybe not by your standards but I keep gaining and gaining at an incredibly rapid pace. It makes no sense. So I need to try to go off the drugs. I need to take better care of my body.

I'm torn because this is really hard. Much harder than I had ever imagined. Harder even than watching my husband intently watching a gaybo Lifetime movie.

It makes me question my strong belief in chemicals. I'm not going to turn Tom Cruise, but after my Christmas Eve afternoon where I wanted to throw up and die. Where the shocks were pounding through my head and out my arms. I started to doubt the value of medication which does this to people so that they can never get off it.

But then I truly did need it. I had tried running to avoid the medication. I'd tried to eat healthier and get enough sleep but I couldn't shake the anxiety and the depression on my own.

But I guess that's what I've taken from this withdrawal and the advice I'd share since the internet loves advice!

Try all available options before taking SSRI's. They did help me through, and probably will help me in other rough times, but there's something not quite right when the withdrawal is so difficult.

So keep me in mind as I split my pills and drink lots of water and take my magnesium. Also pray for Logan. It can't be good for him to watch Lifetime movies.

Comments

[Lisa V]

I am sorry about the jonesing, I hope it goes peacefully and soon you are over the hump. Truly Melissa you are so brave to share all of this with the internet. You put a face on depression and make it seem less alone.

But for god's sake, withdrawl or no withdrawl, friends don't let friends watch Lifetime movies. Especially the happy, schmaltzy, sentimental ones. The scary stalking estranged spouse ones aren't nearly as bad and can be tolerated in small doses for either physical illness or folding laundry. Get him to a 12 step program.

[Angel]

I'm sorry withdrawal is so painful, btdt. Though some meds are easier than others.

Hoping things get much better for you soon!

[Crouching Hamster]

Yucky, yucky yucky, but carry on! It's worth it! And if you've started it weaning yourself off of it, you can finish it.

And the weight? You'll be back to pre-SSRI weight in about 6 months. At least that was the case for me.

[jenB]

Have you talked to your doctor? I know it may seem conter intuitive, but there are other medications that can ease the withdrawal symptoms. I have done this sucessfully.

[Eulallia]

Um... hi. I just started taking Lexapro...? About 5 days ago...? I think I am going to go freak out now.

[anne]

janine turner is hot! well, she was hot on northern exposure. remember that show? i think that logan is just hearkening back to a simpler time, like thumbing through an old playboy magazine that... moves. if he tells you it's the plot he's after, it's because he's a really nice guy and doesn't want you to think he's lusting after janine turner. and he's not. he's lusting after himself 15 years ago.
also: when people who are smaller than i am say that they are fat it is a squawky feeling. but i do know what you're saying, it's how you feel. i hope you continue to do all the things you know to help yourself feel better, because you deserve to feel good, really you do.

[Koan Bremner]

I don't know whether this will help any, or not, but I hope it will... between 1993 and 2003 I spent long periods on anti-depressants - Prozac, then nothing; Seroxat, then nothing; Mirtazapine (which, frankly, saved my life, but was too sedative when I was trying to get back into work) switching to Nefazodone (less sedating, pretty useful - until it was withdrawn due to concerns that it caused long term liver damage, yikes!) - switching to Citalopram (which is, I believe, Lexapro) - coming off those when I began to transition.

Truthfully, coming off Citalopram was a doddle. Two weeks of tapering down and that was that. The scary one, for me, was Seroxat - that took, I think, four months to come off.

The bottom line, for me, is this - if you have got on top of whatever it was that caused you to go on Lexapro in the first place, then with patience you'll get off them OK. Whether it's as quick as I came off them, only you will know - like most aspects of SSRIs, it's different from one person to the next. But, if you no longer need them - or if the downsides outweigh the upsides (as seems to be the case for you) - you'll get through it.

Thinking of you.

[Leigh]

I started tapering off my Lexapro in late spring for the same reason (weight gain!). I eased off the rx and slowly tapered down from 20mg to 10 and then 5 and then I tried splitting pills or taking some every other day. I found that approach worked really well for me and alleviated the headaches and withdrawal symptoms I felt when I first tried to come off.

The biggest plus was the 8lbs I lost in about 6 weeks. I had gained 12lbs and I hold lexapro accountable.

Hang in there. It will get better.
leigh

[Rocky]

Most of my friends and acquaintances would think I was pretty much together. Wrong. Reading your links in this post, I realize that I'm not alone. Comforting for me, not so much for you. I was on anti-depressants and mood stabilizers for five years, from 1999 - 2004. For a quack diagnosis, I might add. I've been off all meds for about a year, and I still get depressed, and I've wanted to start meds again, but the side-effects were scary. Weight gain, a sometimes feeling of not really being "there," etc. The withdrawal was very hard for me, too. And it took a few months after that for me to realize that what I was feeling and experiencing was normal. It will happen, though. Only you know what's best for you, Tom Cruise be damned :) Take care of yourself. You're important to many people. And that Lifetime thing? Logan hasn't been nipping at your meds, has he? Because I watched a gross amount of Lifetime when I was medicated. Start counting your pills. Hehe.

[Rocky]

I just realized that my post (above) could be offensive. Please understand that I am in no way saying you're not "together." That sounded so wrong. I only meant that I can identify with you and it's comforting. Thanks for that!

[Cathy]

Strangely enough, I lost weight while I was on my full dose of zoloft. Now that I am tapering off of it, I have gained weight. I needed the higher dosage for a long time while I got through depression. The side effects made me realize I needed to make a go without the drugs. It is hard to give up this crutch but doable. I'm at a half dose now, dealing with strong feelings but the depression hasn't come back. At some point, I will cut another half... but not yet.

Good luck cutting back. I know you can do it!

[MoMMY]

I just came off Lexapro in October. It was not fun but I just stopped taking it. Thought I was dying. So I weaned. Cutting my dose by 1/2 every week or so. Then taking it every other day. It wasn't fun but I got through it and I feel much better now. Haven't lost any of the weight but I have myself back (I didn't realize until I was off it that I wasn't totally myself on it. More than before with the depression but my feelings were surpressed in all areas.). Oh, and my sex drive came roaring in! Take it slow. Reallllll slow. It will get better.

Good luck.

[MoMMY]

I just came off Lexapro in October. It was not fun but I just stopped taking it. Thought I was dying. So I weaned. Cutting my dose by 1/2 every week or so. Then taking it every other day. It wasn't fun but I got through it and I feel much better now. Haven't lost any of the weight but I have myself back (I didn't realize until I was off it that I wasn't totally myself on it. More than before with the depression but my feelings were surpressed in all areas.). Oh, and my sex drive came roaring in! Take it slow. Reallllll slow. It will get better.

Good luck.

[Lisa]

Good Luck! You've got one person behind you and supporting you in your effort.

I was on paxil years ago and I thought my head was going to detach from my neck from the spinning. My advice -- take it slow -- wean yourself.

I feel for you.

Actually, I probably feel more for you that your husband wants to watch a LIFETIME movie!
Good GOD!

[Greg]

Going out of your way to watch a Janine Turner is definitely not gay. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[elb]

Big ups to you, lady. I've found that if I try to stop the medication I end up in the blackest hole imaginable. Even blacker than the one between Tori Spelling's tits. As for the Lifetime movie, I can't help you there. The other day Brian totally recorded "Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story" without me even having to ask him.

[Pants]

As anyone who's been sucked into a Lifetime movie knows (and Ms. Sub Bliss is certainly one of those--god knows how many Lifetime droppings I've been forced to watch), they put some insipid ingredient in the show that makes it virtually impossible, no matter how inane the plot, to switch the channel. This is why I normally surf right by with nary a glance at the screen....

Plus Janine Turner is still looking quite fine (obviously the only reason I left it on)!

Don't listen to anything Ms. Sub Bliss says--she's NUTS!

[melissaS]

Wow, who knew Logan had a 'Lifetime Movies Manifesto'?

Methinks thou doth protest too much.

Your argument falls apart when you say it's impossible to change the channel. We found a new, more compelling show on another respectable channel and STILL you couldn't stop switching back to the Turds.

[MFA Mama]

Wait...Lexapro makes you gain weight? And have withdrawals? Ohhhhh shit shit shit shit. Other than that, "giggling like a pair of turds?" Bwah ha haaa! Logan must have a little something in common with my husband--he cried (CRIED) at that movie where the retarded girl gets married to the retarded guy JUST LIKE HER BIG SIS (who's, allegedly, not retarded). Well, okay, he just sniffled, but, um, gay much? It's been five years and I still rub his nose in that sometimes. Of course, he has two gay brothers and is massively homophobic, so probably that's incredibly cruel of me, but I tell myself it's character-building for him, and it's just so damn much FUN...

[girlie]

I don't know about you, but coming off effexor made me horribly dizzy. If you're having that happen, you may want to try dramamine, they have a non-drowsy version.

[reenie]

I'd like to offer you an awkward hug. (pat, pat, pat).

Can we drain some of the homosexuality from Logan and slip it into my husband? He doesn't let me watch ANYTHING...even if I'm learning from it. He considers 95% of TV crap.

HA HA...I said slip it into my husband.

[Lil' Sis]

I had absolutely no problem coming off Celexa, & they're sister meds (or perhaps more mother-daughter...) but I think I'll stick to my unmedicated moodswings for a while anyway. You seemed fine on Christmas Eve!

Also? Chris LOVES Lifetime. AND he got really excited when a Carly Simon special was coming on TV ("Ooh! Look, honey!") and he was beat up by an Ewok & defeated by pants. Oh, and your daughter beat the crap out of him at Christmas. I have to check his back a couple of times per day to make sure he hasn't started growing fairy wings.

If you lose weight, am I going to have to return all your clothes?

-miao.

[Ninotchka]

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Melissa. Take care!

[Jess]

Lexapro is THE DEVIL. I was on that, (and Celexa, and Wellbutrin, and and and...) and I didn't have trouble coming off, but the first two weeks were HORRIBLE. I walked around feeling dizzy and nauseous FOR TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT. My doctor kept telling me to "ride it out". Eventually, I told him to SUCK IT, and got another doc. But I just want to say, I completely understand.

[TB]

Good luck Melissa. I know it won't be easy, but you have to do what's best for yourself. Sending good vibes your way.

[andrea]

Coming off Celexa took two solid weeks of dizziness and nausea for me. I think its similar the Lexapro. I hope you are feeling better soon... it sucks.

[JenfromBoston]

Melissa, you're definitely in my thoughts these days. I know that coming off these meds is (or can be) really rough. As we speak, my mom is suffering the w/drawl effects of klonopin - the shaking, the shocks, rapid heart rate, etc. I think she was at one time on Lexapro...I don't know if these 2 are apples and oranges in terms of depression/anxiety meds, but I hope it's easier for you. Maybe you'll luck out. Here's to luck!

I feel you on the Lifetime - I had a week addiction late fall of this year (I had gotten off "The Life" in the late 90s,and thus my life back)and almost had called for my own intervention. It was bad. Really bad.

[Elizabeth]

I've been on both Lexapro and Zoloft. Zoloft was so much better for me, and I was able to successfully begin losing weight while on it (while the Lexapro just packed on the pounds). You said you tried several oth meds...have you tried Zoloft and/or Welbutrin? I've heard really good things about Welbutrin...

[Stefanie]

First off, Lifetime movies are the best! I know half the people that commented on your entry do secretly love them. Especially the ones that are "based on a true story."

I think you should turn this into a anxiety/depression/med/corner. I told my doc that I didn't want to take Effexor (the biggest name in weight gain) because I had a past eating disorder and thought that gaining weight would make me more anxious. He didn't seem to mind that I'd get fat. But did agree to let me try BuSpar which apparently isn't very effective in many people. But maybe you could try it. I take a Klonopin or two as well especially when I get an email from my mother or step-father telling me what a horrible person I am. But who can really read shit like that sober?

[Dianne]

The horrible things that happened to my body and brain after coming off effexor were enough to convince me I don't want to go back on meds. Two weeks after quitting effexor, my husband asked to separate. I figure if I survived that unmedicated, I should be able to make it okay without them.

Good luck! The withdrawal is a hard time, but you'll get through it.I did lose weight after stopping because I finally was able to be focused and motivated enough to exercise again.

[Laura]

I was on Prozac for years, and finally quit early this fall. I started on Wellbutrin instead, and it has been great. Libido, weight loss, etc. The doc had wanted to put me on Effexor, and I nixed that based on all the bad stuff I had read.

Good luck with your weaning. It isn't fun, but if you think you have a handle on things, go ahead and try it. But don't kick yourself in the ass if it turns out that you do actually need medication.

As for Lifetime? At least he isn't watching VH1 Behind the Music, like my husband does. He came upstairs awhile back, all excited: "Honey! I'm watching Behind the Music with the Go-Gos and their downward spiral into drugs! Then I'm watching Behind the Music the Bangles and THEIR downward spiral into drugs!" Ooooh, K.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

I went through the lexapro withdrawl before and IT SUCKS. Felt like the flu. HORRIBLE.

But, I've gone off and on several times (on currently, cause we all love PPD so much!) and I did find that cutting them in half helped a bunch.

[Phil]

Crickies -- does anyone want to send me their leftover Lexapro? Or any leftover Wellbutrin?

I forgot both of my bottles at home in NC and am facing ten days without while I'm on vacation in the Bay Area.

But seriously folks -- be well and do well with whatever solutions are emerging for you. Fortunately, if you managed to survive life this far without a perfect med regimen, two weeks or even two months trying some different way will not kill you. (Though you may feel like killing someone else, that's for damned sure.)

And hey, where can I get one of those monkey things with the lightsaber penis? And does that remind anyone else of the movie Se7en?

[Ann]

My husband and I also watched that movie last night, but we did it more in the "Mystery Science Theatre 2000" fashion...we made crude jokes all the way through and have never laughed so much. My eyes dried up watching, making me wish for RESTASIS®.

[Paige]

Let him watch Lifetime, it will soften whatever blows your withdrawl might land. No woman I know is crazy or outrageous enough to crazy and outrageous a Lifetime movie!

Good luck - I know it's super hard (I did it a couple years ago) but it gets easier and you will (I think!) feel so much better in the long run.

<3

[kate]

I am truly saddened to read of everyone's struggles with depression and their "medical treatments". For what it's worth, the research out there, while indicating antidepressants (SSRI's specifically) can help alleviate symptoms, the greatest improvement came along with therapy (specifically cognitive behavioral). It's both my personal and professional belief that drugs do help regulate the neurochemical balance in your brain but learning new thought and behavior patterns are what lead to long-term change and ultimately survival with depression. It's not quick or easy, but (again from personal and professional experience) really freakin' powerful.

Soap box enough for everyone? I was really fortunate to find an excellent therapist who was willing to work with me and my family. And, yes, I still get down. Let's be real. But I gained some amazing skills in that time and that's bettered my relationships, my self concept, and my ability to work & study.

[MelissaS]

I'm glad you found what works for you.

I too have been through years and years of therapy. But sometimes even that isn't enough to fix what is happening hormonally/chemically in my brain.

[stephanie]

kate, yes talk therapy has its place. but for those who are horribly, clinically depressed by everyday life -- the act of getting out of bed and taking a shower is too difficult -- meds are the answer. if its the difference between walking in front of a train someday or taking a pill ... i'll take the pill any day.

melissa, i hope the withdrawal gets better for you.

[RockStar Mommy]

I was on a lot of depression medication before I got pregnant with my first kid. She was a surprise and I had to go off everything cold turkey. It was probably the worst experience of my life. Prescription withdraw is absoultely dreadful. But, if you talk to your Dr. there are better ways to weane off the medication so that it's not as bad. If you gradually reduce the dosage, it is bareable. I've done it cold turkey and I've done it the other, and trust me it's way better than just going off everything. At least it was for me.

Good luck with it, I know what you're going through and it sucks. I'm not like Tom Cruise either, because I believe that a lot of people do need medication, but I've become against it for myself unless ABSOLUTELY necessary for all the reasons that you've stated.

[Krista]

Ditto Rock Star Mommy.

[JT]

Hey, good luck with the weaning process, Melissa. I hope you do well and find that you can lose the weight you want to. I, personally, can't live without my Zoloft but I've weaned before once or twice and if you taper off, it's much easier than going cold turkey. Hang in there, and here's wishing you good things in the coming year!

[Elena]

Dear God, forget the movie--her MOLE is terrifying! Click on the link to the movie in the blog entry and that thing practically jumps off the screen at you! Like a tarantula shed its legs and accidentally got stuck on her face...did she have that thing in Northern Exposure? I sure don't remember it. but then again, I thought the baby moose wandering through the town was the best part, forget the episodes...

[Christy]

Good luck getting off the Lexapro. I started last summer with Zoloft for PMS (yes, they'll prescribe it just for PMS!), and I respect anyone who has the guts to stop their SSRIs. I'll cross my fingers things go well for you. By the way, the Lifetime stuff is hysterical.

[Alice in Paris]

Hello,
Firstly, thank you for sharing your life and thoughts so generously. I have little in common with you but I do enjoy reading your blog.
Anyway, you probably already know this, but exercise is supposed to be good for relieving stress and depression, as well as being good for your general physical fitness. Maybe explains why your husband is (if I gather correctly) even-tempered.
Time for new year's resolutions ?
Personnally I want to restart doing daily morning exercise.

[MelissaS]

Well exercise can never hurt and I have been working out again (it will be a full month on the 7th) BUT my husband is even-tempered because he's always been even-tempered. He was born not crying with the fury of a newborn ripped from the womb but with a quiet contemplation of what this new set of information actually meant.

He hasn't always been a runner (he started in 2004) and he's always been even-tempered.

I, on the other hand, spent the summer before I went on Lexapro running my ever loving ass off trying to keep from going on medication and it didn't work very well at all.

So yes, it can't hurt but unfortunately it's not the answer.

[Meganann]

Get off the meds. It may be the only way. I was on a bunch of stuff for my clinical anxiety. It made me put on 30 pounds and become very unhappy with my body, but it also controlled the anxiety. I went off when the anxiety over the weight became my main problem. I didn't like it and it wasn't fun to come off, but I am really happy to look like myself rather than the stay-puff marshmallow man version of me.

I never mattered how little I ate and how much I exercised, I still gained--meds can really fuck with your metabolism. Exercise might not help at all here--2 hrs. a day 5+ days a week didn't do it for me. Ditto for eating less, I was able to gain on 1200kcal/day.

Trust yourself, if it is time to come off, do it. Good timing after the holidays but with months until summer break. Best of luck and happy new year to you and yours!

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