I'm not pawning you off, just sending you somewhere else

I want to write something but every time I sit down I'm compelled to tell you about the color and consistency of my phlegm. Which no one wants so let's move along.

The notepads are filling up my time lately but once we get all the kinks in our system out it won't take so long. In the meantime you should know that Logan has lovingly christened each and everyone of your orders with "Shits" and "God Damn it's". Hopefully this will not affect the quality of your product.

He bought a heavy duty stapler which was, as it turns out, out to get him. He spent nearly an hour at the dining room table screaming at it everytime he tried to use it, "YOU PIECE OF CRAP!!!!!"

This is the funny part though, then he'd try again and shockingly it would do the same thing. "You PIECE OF CRAP". The best part was when Maddie walked into the dining room and non-chalantly said, "Is that the Piece of Crap?"

Instead of correcting her and saying, "That's not a very nice word, I'm really frustrated and I'm sorry."

He said, "Yes. Yes it is. This is the Piece of Crap."

Why did he do that? Because he wanted Madison to be his partner in the undying rage he felt at that GOD DAMN PIECE OF CRAP STAPLER!

Believe me, I have several things I'd like to write about but projects are breathing down my neck and also 11 kids are coming to my house in 1.5 short hours so I'm going to have to direct you to Flogging Baby.

There have been some interesting discussions over there in the last couple days.

You know, I've been angry with the internet a lot of times since I started this website. But I've never wanted to punch the internet as much as I did following this post by Sarah Gilbert at the Baby Flog.

Sarah was discussing the simple things she missed about her pre-kid life. Things like sleeping in, spur of the moment travel, stopping at the market for just two things. This, according to far too many of the 107 commenters, means she wants to give away her kids just so she can enjoy after work happy hour.

You see the connection don't you?

Right.

PUNCH.

So I spent an evening pretty much livid. I couldn't sleep I was so mad about this mindset I thought was dead, but apparantly it's alive and well with the general population (Sarah's post was linked from the AOL homepage, general population stomping grounds) and that is both good and bad news for us, fellow parents who write honestly about the experience of raising children.

To me the idea that you love your kids AND hate things they do, or miss old parts of your life or wish for more free time is all a part of the experience. To me, there's no reason to hide those realities.

In fact I've become so used to reading about the realities of raising kids, I actually find myself yawning when a newspaper article says something like, "Parenting is hard! You can love your kids and accept that."

I mean, duh.

But Sarah's post and the response to it, "You selfish women!" "You shouldnt' have had children!" Tells me that perhaps the idea behind this website won't be dying out anytime soon. Because if there are people hurling those kinds of judgements and insults at women who dare to say, "I'm not a robot, I'm a human being who gave birth!", then there are women who are believing what those assholes say.

That hurts my soul. I am totally guilt ridden about so many things about parenting Max and Madison....to have the fact that I'm human and I like my husband and I miss our life when it was just the two of us almost as much as I love the family we've created thrown into the pile of how I'm a 'Bad Mother'?

Fuck you General Population.

So there. I wrote about this briefly (and with less swearing) (like none) at the Flog, here.

I also started to think how I hate sticky sweet proclamations about what we love about our kids.

"When Junior says, "I wuv you" all my old life just melts away." (Gag)

Or

"Butterfly kisses ..... that makes it all worth it!" (Barf)

I could write gay things like that about my kids and why I love them and while they'd be true and would make me gag, sometimes I think those kinds of statements sound so canned. This is what a mother says, so I'm saying it.

But at the same time I thought, gee, my list of things I missed about my life before kids is pretty darn long. Is there anything I don't miss about that time.

And you know what? There are things I don't miss. There are things I love about being a mother that are not related to my kids wuving me.

So I wrote about those things there too. There were a few I left out to fit our six item list format but I can't write about those now because in an hour there will be 11 children in this house....wooo Tuesday Playgroup (now with way less drinking....I miss summer.)

Along similar lines, you should also take a look at Felicity Huffman's interview on 60 minutes. There's a link to the video at Salon.com. You have to view the ad to get access and then you'll need to browse through a few pages of archives to get to it. But it's all worth it just to hear Lesley Stahl say "mommy" in maybe the most condescending way I've ever heard.

Comments

[Shna]

You know I totally agree with you, we should not be considered a "bad parent" because we miss our lives from before. I miss lots of stuff, especially when my DS is climbing the walls or we can't go out because we can't find a baby sitter. That does not mean in any way that I don't love him! I mean really, sometimes I miss being single because my husband is driving me insane - but I still love him and I am glad we are together.
Really, that is such an ignorant point of view!

[amber]

I tried really hard not to slam any of the commenters over there, so I ended up just not commenting at all.

Sure, I love my child, I don't want to be in a world without her, but dammit, there are always going to be things that you miss from pre-kids. That's just a fact of life. And to me, anyone who says that they don't miss anything At All from before is a liar or mental. And believe me, I am mental, so I know mental.

Sorry for the rant, I've been trying not to do it on BB for a while now.

[TB]

You are one of the most real voices on the internet. Maybe I say that because you and I seem to agree on so many things, but you have this great and rare ability to speak honestly, from the heart and not make me think you are full of shit.

[Meredith]

I don't get how people expect parents (women) to bury every part of their adult lives, as well as their wants and desires the moment they have children. Of course (duh!) we all love our kids. Of course (duh!) we know (all too well!) that we must make sacrifices for our children. But we're still people who miss things about our lives in our pre-kid eras. Does that mean that we don't want the kids we have? Of course not (duh!). Parenting is hard. The allure of blogging about parenting is that we can be honest about how difficult it is but without having to (hopefully) justify ourselves, reminding everyone that we love our kids.

[Jess]

That interview really takes the cake, doesn't it? Felicity Huffman was fantastic, but I couldn't believe the stupid look on Lesley Stahl's face when Huffman said "no." I thought interviewers were trained not to do that shit. Maybe someone not loving motherhood more than anything is just so far outside what she's been trained for. So Shocking!

Also couldn't believe how she "rephrased" the question.

Stahl, didn't Huffman just try to tell you how being a good parent is not the same as thinking that being a parent is a walk through strawberry fields all day every day? She did! So, how is it ok to "ask the question a different way" and straight up ask whether she's a good mother. "Oh, you don't enjoy motherhood? Well...are you a good mother?"

[Wayne]

That interview with Huffman was awesome. I couldn't believe it when she called Lesley Stahl on that shit.

I actually saw a clip of it on Entertainment Tonight first (I work at a TV station, don't judge me), because they thought it was such a daring snippet. So my wife and I were ready to watch it at home later on, because we don't normally watch 60 Minutes. Anyway, it was so worth it.

And I remain pissed that fathers will NEVER get asked questions like these, because the role of fathers is so negligible that any man who stays at home with his kids -- or less, even -- is called Mr. Mom. That's what really makes me want to tear out my quickly graying hair.

[Krista]

Hmmm. That was interesting. I read the article you linked to and quickly scanned through the comments. I thought that most of them seemed to empathize with what Sarah was saying. Personally, I didn't find the people who disagred terribly offensive.

That being said, I love your fire and honesty. I love that you play an advocate for mom's who want to show the metaphorical warts on their feet and still paint their toes sometimes.

I became pregnant with my first at 19, so basically I had no adult life without kids. I don't really have some of those things to miss because well- I didn't ever really experience them to begin with. And that was my choice I realize. But it's a funny place to be reading some of that stuff and thinking, I miss that I didn't even get to miss some of that!!

[Becky]

I know I've said it a million times, but God damn! Posts like this make me wish I lived in Michigan. All of the people I know that have kids are of the "I don't feel like I was really born until my kids were" variety and I can only spend so much time surpressing my gag reflex.

I just don't get that people think it's selfish to miss your old life, I really don't. Does it mean that you don't love your husband when you sometimes miss your single life? Of course not! It just means that those times were good too.

I somehow saw the Felicity Huffman interview when it originally aired and loved her for it even more. I watch Desperate Housewives only because her character makes me feel normal and I love the actress now because of the way she answered that question. Fuck you, Lesley Stahl.

[Angela]

Did you eavesdrop on my freak out session I had last night???

I just found out that I am pregnant, and I am terrified about the changes that will happen in my life. I know that having a baby will bring lots of good things that I can't comprehend right now, but all I can think about are the things that I won't be able to do anymore. I don't know if that makes me selfish or completely normal. We had been trying for a long time, and this is definitely something that we have wanted, but now that it is actually happening, I am freaking out.

It is wonderful to know that there are other people that have the same feelings. I have enjoyed your blog for some time, and now I feel I will enjoy it even more.

Thank you.

[AMG]

First, Angela, congratulations! I don't have kids, but I rely on the realistic voices of Melissa here and Dooce and Fluid Pudding to tell it like it really is....

[Y]

I'm just now reading the comments on that post.

I HATE holier than thou type people.

Hate.

I love my children, they ARE everything to me. They are the reason I wake up every morning. I can't imagine my life without them in it.

HOWEVER. I can imagine a week away without someone banging on the bathroom door when I'm trying to take a dump. I can imagine FIVE MINUTES of NO ONE TALKING OR ASKING ME QUESTIONS. I can imagine how fun it would be for me and my husband to spend a weekend at the movies like we did before we had them.

What's funny to me is that no where in that post did she say her life is WORSE because she has kids. No where does she say "I hate being a parent because these damn kids took my wonderful life away." But MY GOD, by reading the comments you'd think she said those things.

People are so quick to jump on their high horse to make themselves feel superior that they don't even take the time to actually comprehend what she was really saying.

Stupid judgemental assholes.

[ChristyD]

My husband says women would rule the world if we could just figure out how to get along. Why can't the judgmental moms shut up and let us be who we want to be? If we don't have lives before kids, and we don't try to be something other than robot moms, what are we bringing to the table for our marriages our children or ourselves? I think the best thing we can do for ourselves and our families is to become the women we want to be. Screw the critics.

[EJW]

If I said "I miss being 9 and having my mom make my lunch and wash my clothes and drive me around" no one would come back with "well, then, you shouldn't have grown up." Criticizing women for recognizing the complexity of motherhood is just counter-productive and demeaning.

[Anne B.]

OMG, thank you Felicity Huffman. When I saw the clip of that interview last week I teared up. Finally, someone who actually feels what I feel and is willing to say it!

Also, to prove how lame I am, I was watching that show on MTV where the 'hot' kid from a boy band is trying to make a comeback. His about-to-give-birth girlfriend was crying her eyes out last night about how sick and tired she is of being pregnant and how it isn't fun and are they ever going to go back to the way it was pre-pregnancy. Ummmmmmm....NO! Man, she is in for a rude awakening.

[Nancy Toby]

Can we please duct-tape the children to their beds and go to happy hour RIGHT NOW? I'll buy the first round. And the 11th, 12th, and 13th round.

[Ceece]

no, no, no!! It's not the general population. It's the few crazy fanatics out there that are assbags.

[kate]

EJW--Right on! I love that analogy!

And, Angela--congratulations! With 2 months to go to our first, you better bet that there are times I miss pre-preggo/parent life. Like this morning, when I got a flier about an event at a club in the city this weekend some pals are attending. And, I won't be going. Certainly doesn't mean I made the wrong decision.

God bless the fact that I'm not a robot!

[LB]

Please keep in mind that there are assbags on all sides. I don't miss my aimless pre-kid life, myself. Yet I totally I can relate to wishing I wasn't on the hook all the time. I don't wish for pre-kid days, but I do wish I could get some help!

But if someone's an Asshole, someone's an Asshole. It won't matter which side of an issue they are on. In over 10 years of motherhood I have been called, to my face, "stupid" for not getting an epidural, "neurotic" for not going out more often, including having one family member screaming, "what the fuck is wrong with you!!?" 'cause I wasn't planning on going out with the rest of the adults to a fancy restaurant when I had a young baby. And more-

Some women will gag when they hear cutsie-poo statements, some will gasp when they hear feelings of frank frustration, hey that's why BaskinRobbins makes 31 flavors.It's sad that mothers don't make better efforts to cut each other some slack, since society and even the kids themselves don't.

BTW Stalh wrote a book several years ago. Her pregnancy and life as a working mom in the 80's is in there.

[Christy]

I think I am going to take to feeling sorry for women who are like that because they are obviously so insecure that they can't even admit to themselves for one second that they don't enjoy ever single goddamn minute of being with their children or their entire world would crumble around them.

[erica]

"I could write gay things like that about my kids ..."

why would those things be "gay?"

[Alyssa]

Over the years, I miss my pre-kids days MORE, not less. Don't tell Sara that, though. I am actually looking FORWARD to my children's puberty...when they will finally SLEEP and let me do the same. They will want to be with their friends, doing thier own thing. I will also be able to do my own thing. Lennon should have worked that into the song "Imagine".

"Imagine your grown children
It's easy if you try..."

[Lil]

Melissa - I swear if I knew you in person we would be really good friends.

I'm tempted to head over to Cafepress to make my own 'Fuck You General Population' t-shirt. Seriously.

[Stefanie]

When my book comes out "Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay" it says a lot of those exact sentiments. I'm very scared that people that read it (hard core moms) will go nuts and I'll get bad reviews up the butt. My single friends don't get it. They think the book is really funny and just honest but they are the ones who don't get how freakin' crazy a lot of moms are and how seriously they take themselves.

[AmyinMotown]

Moxie wrote about the Felicity Huffman interview on her blog and it drew a very interesting round of comments.

My perspective is a little different as I battled infertility for a long time. The list of "things I don't miss" -- such as crying my guts out every month when my period arrived -- is pretty long. That being said, I wanted a child more than anything and love her more than anything else, and GOD there still are times I miss life before her. But I have commented about this before -- to many women, its like you've just cheerfully admitted to neglecting your child if you confess to any desire for adult stimulation or any need for a life outside of diapers and Gymboree. Why do we do this to ourselves and each other?

[Laura]

I don't have kids yet and I totally rely on your site and a couple others to guide me on the reality of raising kids. You have allowed me to consider ALL the factors involved in starting a family and I totally appreciate it; would never judge negatively for it. Thanks for what you do for us.

[Jennifer]

My comment grew too large. So I just posted it instead. *snort*

I truly hope you won't mind.

The "general population" can kiss my emptying nest ass.

[Jess]

As someone who feels "outside the GP" fairly regularly, I agree 100%. Great post, great blog.

You know, some days it's like junior high never ended. And when I look at how catty & gossipy the other women are in my Grandma's assisted living facility, it depresses me even more.

[Rae]

You know what? Parenting kicks ass, as in your ass.

Nice that Ron and Jerry (or whatever the hell his name was)--men--can remind women to get over missing their free time, their individuality, their sleep, their breasts, and brushing their teeth.

[Emily]

LB, I think Melissa's point is that this isn't an issue with sides to be taken. You admit that there can be drawbacks to parenthood... Melissa is posting about people who are oh.so.appalled that anyone would ever dare to speak of them. And was that a defense of Stahl? Uh huh, because the fact of her motherhood is an excuse for her being a condescending jerk.

[maia]

Whaaat? The Butterfly kisses don't make it ALL WORTH IT FOR YOU GUYS?!?! ;)

I miss going to the bathroom without an audience or someone yelling at me from the other side.

I miss taking sick days at work because I am sick. Sick days are now for when the kids are sick.

I miss being completely selfish and self-centered on the weekends. I miss, like most of us, sleeping in.

I miss having wild sex (or hell, ANY sex) without having to take into consideration what and where and their level of conciousness before I even consider whipping the panties off.

I love my kids to death and it is all completely worth it. But is it so bad to admit there are some things we miss? I think not!

[julia]

I only read the first 20 comments over there ... I couldn't bring myself to go on.

Two things came to mind:

1) Like the first dillhole, Ron, many people with this sunshine-out-their-asses attitude are people who haven't been the parents of small children for about 10 years. They have forgotten what it is like, because their children are self-reliant now and they have regained some of what was lost by parenting a young human. I'm pointing this out not to excuse them; on the contrary it makes me think DAMN IT, why can't people be a little more empathetic?

2) There is nothing more annoying than chirpy mothers of children under 10. If a woman tells me that this is THE fulfilling element of her life and that mothering a young child is "better than anything she ever knew before" I immediately decide that she was probably incredibly boring in her past life. It's one thing to say that being a parent is a joyous, wonderful experience that fills your heart with love, but it's another to say that you miss nothing about being childless. It doesn't say much about your previous life, does it?

Granted, I don't SAY these things to those people. They feel completely enamored with every aspect of motherhood? Great. I keep my mouth shut. I don't tell them I think they need to be more well-rounded, just like I don't think it was too nice for people to respond to that post by trying to shame the author/commenters.

I'm a SAHM, and I love my son, but there are a lot of things I miss about being childless. It doesn't mean I wish him away, or that I don't love him. It means that I was a many-dimensional human before I gave birth, and that I still am.

[patti]

While I agree with you completely that mothers should feel free to explore and express the dark or less fabulous truths about motherhood without being reduced by other mothers to "Bad Mother" crap, I also feel that this:

QUOTE
"When Junior says, "I wuv you" all my old life just melts away." (Gag)

Or

"Butterfly kisses ..... that makes it all worth it!" (Barf)

I could write gay things like that about my kids and why I love them and while they'd be true and would make me gag, sometimes I think those kinds of statements sound so canned. This is what a mother says, so I'm saying it.
UNQUOTE

is invalidating the light and "gooey" truths that mothers DO feel.

It should be fine to be both "gay" and gag-inducing over your children AND want to wish them away sometimes - without sarcastic or judgmental comments flung forth by other mothers on either side.

I think either stance - whether intentionally or not - can make one rise up and feel defensive.

[Marnie]

So, if I made a list of all the things I miss about being single, would I be told I'm selfish and should never have gotten married?

I could make a list of all the things I miss about being in college. Would I be told I should quit my job and go back to being a co-ed? (I suspect at my age I'd have more trouble getting laid than I did the first time around!)

The fact is, I could make lists about both sides of anything. What I like and don't like about my mother (should I get rid of her, too?), before and after kids, before and after married life, before and after my current job, before and after my last job.... it goes on and on. Just because I miss something does not mean I want to go back to it or get rid of what replaced it, for Pete's sake.

Anyway, despised the righteous comments, loved your corollary!

[MelissaS]

I see your point Patti. I guess I wasn't saying the gay things we say about our kids are bad. I can and often do say those things.

However the added on part of the 'It all just melts away."

Or 'It makes it all worth it.'

I personally find it annoying. Of course it doesn't diminish anyone else's experience. If that's how you feel and how you express things then that's how you feel and how you express things.

I don't.

[andreainjapan]

once again you have made me love you more.
I am doing everything in my power to not strangle my kid right now who is refusing to sleep in the middle of the night.
Do I love her
yes
would I love to sleep in
HELL YES!
This makes me human,
duh.
love you to bits melissa

[Nila]

It was fun to read the comments about what was missed, but you're right, the wuvy, duvy, quit your complaining, it's your place now, comments are very annoying.

Why? It's just not reality. Most of those comments were from people with grown kids, so they're reminiscing. But when you’re in the thick of this being a great parent crap, it's not so easy. Why do people insist on pretending that they are not human? I bet they all secretly want to run away screaming from their kids.

[Elizabeth]

Do you know this is the FIRST mention I have seen of that heinous interview by the fuck-wench Stahl??!! I was so angry I threw the remote at the TV (Am. So Mature.) Thank god for Felicity and her brave honesty. And then-- I saw nothing in anyone's blogs-- haven't read much salon lately, obvs.

But anyway all I wanted to do was share my RAGE at fucking Lesley Stahl and her fucking fuckhead bullshit.

P.S. I am very very sorry for having cursed on your comments-- I hope this doesn't in anyway reflect on your wonderfulness.

[MelissaS]

Another thought I had Patti.

If that's your truth, the mushy gooey talk about your children, then you're in luck! The mainstream media eats up that kind of sentiment.

What I'm doing here is different.

[Melissa]

It has always been my mindset that mothers who claim they miss NOTHING about their pre-child lives must not have had much of a life to begin with... I don't buy the martyr for the cause story! Now, where is my martini.....

[Kathty]

The real thing to see will be these women whose children are their WHOLE LIFE when the kids are in high school and beyond and don't need their mommies as much anymore. My thought is, I love my children but I need some kind of a life too because the kids will eventually want their own life. Sometimes that means doing things that I enjoy without my kids and I have learned long ago not to feel guilty about it.
I wonder if those women who say all those gushy things about their kids and motherhood are really truly happy or if they are just saying these things to make it look like they have the perfect life?

[Krista]

I don't know.. I say alot of gushy things about my kids and I have a life of my own. I think people eat it up more when I complain about motherhood than when I am sappy about it to be honest.

And the "butterfly kisses" or "(insert other random cheesy thing here)" do make it WORTH it. That is why I don't regret having my kids. Because it is WORTH it. But expressing that sentiment doesn't make it less real that you fantasize about throwing the baby out the car window when he is screaming, or that you feel like you are suffocating sometimes because you want to pursue YOUR life and dreams independent of the kids more often then you get the chance.

Motherhood is extreme. I think we all feel both ends of the poles strongly. I think some people just won't admit to the bottom part of the pole.

[Dawn]

I've always said that I was one kid away from being childless. And I mean that in a not a "mean" way.

Uber Moms make me puke

[Susie]

Love my kids. Adore them, in fact. They're great. (Well, until I totally fuck them up, that is.)

Nonetheless. Motherhood is a giant ball of contridicting feelings. When I gave birth to my first, I thought I'd ruined my life. I loved him and couldn't bear the thought of anything bad ever happening to him, but damn if I didn't think to myself that I shouldn't have gotten greedy. I had a fantastic husband who made me laugh every day but didn't smother me. Excellent, interesting, friends. I even had plenty of interests that didn't involve poop. These aspects of my life were all still present, but for a time, I felt separated from them.

The feelings of possibly having wrecking my life passed, but I still miss being responsible for no one but myself. And that's really it. It's the No Days Off policy of parenting that occasionally makes me want to give them back. Sometimes I just want to say to my kids "Would you please shut up now? I'm not in the mood."

Naturally, I don't say that, or we'd be having to put way more than a quarter a day in the Therapy Savings Jar. But still, there are those days...

I really do adore my kids. Truly. It's just that they are not all I will create with pride in this lifetime.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

This is a great post. Also, you're a fox.

[MelissaS]

Krista (Copy and Paste from my comment above):

I see your point Patti. I guess I wasn't saying the gay things we say about our kids are bad. I can and often do say those things.

However the added on part of the 'It all just melts away."

Or 'It makes it all worth it.'

I personally find it annoying. Of course it doesn't diminish anyone else's experience. If that's how you feel and how you express things then that's how you feel and how you express things.

I don't.

And adding to that. If you want Sappy Happy 'Butterfly kisses make my life worthwhile...all you have to do is look around the traditional media. And Voila! You get your fair share of that message.

[LL]

Thank you!! When will it become acceptable for women to be human and make mistakes and admit that sometimes things SUCK through no fault of our own? Bah.

[eve]

Thank you so much for this post, Melissa. I didn't see the 60 Minutes interview, but lately some of my favorite mommy-bloggers have posted about how wonderful life is now that they have a baby, and I just feel like, "Really? You're being serious?" It's hard not to feel at least a twinge of resentment because I don't feel that way. I adore my son, but motherhood has been the most difficult, grueling experience of my life. I never thought it would be easy, but I underestimated how much it would strain my sanity and my marriage. Now that my son is 18 months old there are a lot more wonderful moments. Still, when people ask me the inevitable, "Are you ready for baby #2?" I reply that there will be no baby #2. Anyhow, sorry to write a novel in your comment section. I just wanted to thank you for giving voice to many of my experiences as a mother.

[linda]

Mothers who refuse to rate motherhood as a ticket to absolute and unqualified fulfillment and bliss are not the only ones demonized by the media and/or GP.

I made the conscious decision not to have children (I'm turning 40 this week), and I can't tell you how many times I've had the following conversation with new aquaintances and even near-strangers:

Them: "Do you have any kids?"

Me: "No, I don't."

Them: "Oh...do you want to have any? Do you plan to?"

Me: "No, I don't, I have chosen to not have children."

At this point I get a look of pity and (once in awhile) actual anger. Sometimes that's the end of it, sometimes people actually push this further. On more than one occassion I have been told, outright, "That's so sad, you'll never know what true happiness is."

I absolutely know that there are things I will miss by not having children -- beautiful, meaningful, awesome things. But the exact same thing holds true for a life without children -- there are experiences open to me that would have been closed to me had I chosen motherhood. Why do people have to validate their views and choices by invalidating the choices of others?

Anyway, I'm delurking here -- I just want to say that I love your blog because you *are* a real person writing about her life, the good and the bad, and all the complex gray areas in between. Keep doing what you're doing! It's very important that we have real voices writing about real experiences rather than just mouthing a party line.

[HD]

The kisses and hugs, etc. make it bearable, not "all worth it"! Because, like any job, it's a grind and you need some perks. Thank god, for the mostly normal responses that you've received. And once again, I'm wishing that you and many of your loyal readers lived by me, because most of the moms by me? Are crazy!

[Krista]

I agree with you Melissa (and apparently everyone else who reads this site) that it is annoying when you only get one sappy sweet side of motherhood from the media. I agree that sometimes the cheesy sentiments sound manufactured...

And just to be clear- I don't exclusively want this:

"If you want Sappy Happy 'Butterfly kisses make my life worthwhile...all you have to do is look around the traditional media. And Voila! You get your fair share of that message"

I want both perspectives. I enjoy both perspectives. I feel both perspectives and don't want to be overloaded with either but rahter have a balance of both.

[patti]

Melissa, I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just saying that one shouldn't have to cancel the other out.

The flip side of being crucified for being honest about the dark side of motherhood is being "eye rolled" at and deemend annoying for thinking those butterfly kisses are totally worth it.

Both truths of motherhood are valid and should be respected as so.

And frankly, I think the media laps it up more when those who are willing to be honest about the not-so-pretty parts of mothering say what they feel.

[patti]

Melissa, I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just saying that one shouldn't have to cancel the other out.

The flip side of being crucified for being honest about the dark side of motherhood is being "eye rolled" at and deemed annoying for thinking those butterfly kisses are totally worth it.

Both truths of motherhood are valid and should be respected as so.

And frankly, I think the media laps it up more when those who are willing to be honest about the not-so-pretty parts of mothering say what they feel.

[MelissaS]

see but that's why (media laps up not so pretty) because it's something new to say about mothering.

The eyerolling, I think, comes from the fact that a lot of people don't want to hear about the cutesy wutesy clean messages and images of motherhood.

Yes, I love those things about motherhood but doesn't *everyone*. I've always, since I became a mother found the flip side of the coin much more compelling.

It's a newer message that a whole lot of parents can understand and relate to and previously it was not discussed but the 'It's all worth it!" "It's the best thing!" has been replayed over and over and over for a very very long time.

[Andrea Edwards]

I remember an Oprah show about this years back and one mother who said, "motherhood sucks" was blown out of the water with hate mail and Oprah ended up having to do multiple shows on this topic.
Too bad, because like she said on the show (but everyone ignored this part): "it sucks
%5 of the time but the rest of the time is why we keep having more {children}).

Its true, its life and women really need to love and support each other more.
~andrea

[patti]

Something new to say but not something new to feel.

I agree with you, I do I do. I respect your honest voice and your ability to make it heard.

But just because it's new to say and hear doesn't mean that those who feel free to say it should be given license to gag and choke and eye roll and "oh puh-leez" those mothers who want to gush, nor should mothers who feel gushy be crucifying those who aren't afraid to be honest.

It's two-sided, is all I'm sayin'.

And that's all I'm sayin'.

[Theresa]

Very well said, Patti. I think it's important that motherhood is seen as multi-dimensional not just "it's all wonderful" or "it's all horrible." It doesn't serve any purpose for anyone to try to diminish the feelings (positive or negative) of another person.

[Wiz]

Liss- The picture of you and Logan on blogging baby is adorable!! Not having kids, I don't have anything to say about loving them, but I can admit that my fear of having kids one day is that I won't always be the mom gushing and that people will judge me for it. I don't think it means you love your kids any less, I think it means that you are a honest and realistic women.

[April]

Delurking to say THANK YOU for being REAL and saying it like it really is. Anyone who doesn't have feelings of longing for their old, selfish, sleep-in, pre-kid life is either a total ROBOT or lying to themselves or both.

These are the women who cease being anything else when they become mothers.
What happens when their kids grow up and leave??? What kind of message is that sending to your daughters and sons?
Martyrdom is not a good example in my opinion.

I love my kids. My son says the sweetest, most wonderful and loving things in the world to me and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
But sometimes, I would do anything just to get him to SHUT UP FOR FIVE SECONDS.
Sometimes I'm driving and a favorite song from a summer past comes on and for about a minute I'm transported back to that time in my life, single and cute and free, singing along.

And then I hear from the back "MOM! Turn it DOWN!!" and I look around and for a second I wonder what the HELL am I doing in a mini-van with two little kids?????

I think that makes me NORMAL, not a freak. I remember who I was before I was a mom.

[Ann]

"gay" things about your kids? Yuck. I was enjoying this blog, but I don't like flip bigotry.

[Asha]

Nothing to add -- the commenters have covered all the ground I would have -- just wanted to add my solidarity vibe.

And Ann? I think she meant "gay" in the late-70s-to-early-80s vernacular sense of "goofy, silly, lame," not "homosexual." "Gay" was our favorite put-down in 6th grade, long before we knew about (or talked about) sexual orientation.

[Krista]

Asha: "A bigot is a prejudiced person who is intolerant of any opinions differing from their own"

[MelissaS]

Krista? What?

Please just stop being so gay.

[Amy]

Thank you Melissa. I've always refrained from "complaining" about certain things I miss because I don't want to deal with the inevitable backlash, and because I could not make it even half as funny as you do.