Yo Sunny D!*

I finally went to have that bra fitting. Logan gave me the gift certificate in September for my birthday. There's a very well spoken of bra shop in downtown Royal Oak and I started to suspect my boobs could maybe not be on my stomach. (My friend Chrissy calls hers 34 longs...but they're not really).

I put it off for two reasons. What if I was actually a smaller cup size than I believed? This would throw my life out of balance completely. I also put it off because I only this past year learned to give hugs I'm not exactly ready to be naked in front of people while they wrap a measuring tape around my bosoms.

(This is the part where Logan says, "Did she wrap it around really tightly? Was she hot? Did she have to get a, you know, feel for your cup size." Maybe he's not gay after all. Maybe he's just a 14 year old boy.)

The thought of it really freaked me out but carrying around a hefty gift certificate in my purse for so long was really ridiculous and also, if you've gained weight it's probably a good idea to have your boobs in the right place at least.

I walked into the store and was immediately attacked by satin and lace and thongs everywhere. And women were all fondling the unmentionables in public and I can't explain why exactly this was so difficult for me but ever since I was a kid and had to get my first bra (I even hate the word bra) I made my mom get it and I made her tell the saleslady that training bra was not for her daughter, it was actually for herself and I stood way over on the other side of the store until she had purchased it.

I didn't exactly know what to do, I didn't want to be too forward. Maybe we'd want to flirt for a little while and go get a drink before she weighed and measured my breasts. So instead of just saying, "I need a bra fitting." God that sounds stupid. "I need to be fitted for a bra." That sounds like I'm a horse needing a harness.

Since I couldn't find the words to ask for someone to measure my breasts I stood at the counter pretending to look at the sachets like a fucking idiot. I was trying to what? Be coy for my bra fitting?

So finally one of the ladies said, "Can I help you?" And I tried to talk but no words came out and so she walked me to a dressing room and told me to take off my shirt and she'd be back.

Do you do this at the gynecologist? When the nurse leaves and tells me to strip and put on the stupid gown, the minute the door closes I race to get done. I live in utter fear that one day I'll be standing there in my black socks and nothing else in that horrible lighting and the doctor will walk in before I can get the gown on.

This felt sort of the same but I just had to take off my sweater so I stood there pretending to very intently read the return policy. Riveting. I could really have read it for hours, standing there in my jeans and old ill-fitting bra. In fact, it felt like I did.

She came back and I left my body and watched everything happening from overhead. If you thought my hugs were awkward you really should try to fit me for a new bra. It's a new level of awkwardness.

"Oh, do you want my arms like this?" "Oh I see uhm holding them up? Right? Like this. Okay...oh jees...you put the measuring tape right there. Ha ha. Oh wow. You know, I don't really even like to hug people generally speaking. Ha."

But wait it gets worse. So she tells me my size and gets three bras for me to try on. She leaves with the instructions to "Try each of them on but let me see them so I know if we've gotten the right fit."

Wha? "Okay," I said.

So I tried on the first one and she came back and eyed it and I dissolved into a pool of incredible awkwardness and this was just the first bra. She was eyeing it, I'm sure just looking at the fit but there I am practically nude, and she says, "What do you think?"

"About what? Oh the bra! Right the bra I'm standing in front of you in and you're checking it out. Right. Well besides the horrific awkwardness of this moment, you know it's nice."

Then we did that three more times and she asked if I'd like matching panties. I HATE the word Panties more than any other word in the world. So I said, "As long as I don't need to be measured for them and only if you don't refer to them by anything other than 'you know, those things'."

Once when Logan was on a job interview, he was walking with the hiring person into a building with a revolving door. He was carrying a portfolio with him and for some reason he will lay on his deathbed questioning, he decided to walk in the same cell as the woman he was interviewing with. The portfolio was bashing the woman in the ass and Logan was stepping on her heels and her face was pressed into the glass. That is one of the most awkward interactions I have ever heard of in my entire life.

Imagine if I had been fitted for a bra in a revolving door with Logan, his portfolio and the hiring lady. Awkward.

So finally I am released from the lacy torture chamber of the bra shop and I peek at the bra I got and I revel in the fact that I am NOT a cup size smaller but rather a cup size BIGGER than I thought. This gives me such a boost to my self esteem until my hateful inner voice says, "You have bigger boobs because you're fat you idiot."

Hey! Thanks for ruining my moment.

Fat or not, it is truly amazing what a pair of well placed breasts on your chest will do for you. For your quality of life. For your clothing. They're up high, they're seperated, they create nice long torso. I never knew they could look like this.  My new breasts really brightened my day.

Yes, yes I realize I had to go through hell to get the right bra but I'm telling you Oprah didn't call it a bra revolution for nothing.

I am a lunatic. Normal people do not have such issues with bras (hate that word) and breasts and people looking at their bras. I am not normal and that is okay because I have a bra which fits and I have the power and knowledge that my bust is bigger than I ever thought possible. I highly recommend you get yourself to a fitting. Stat.

Just try to be a tiny bit cooler than me.

*Logan's going to kill me if I don't stop making that little joke about my new cup size only I think is funny.

Comments

[Eulallia]

I've been wanting to get fitted, but I'm deathly afraid of the woman looking at me and saying, "I'm sorry dear, but they just don't make bras that small. Try some bandaids."

[Vida]

You shouldn't feel stupid. I don't think you're the only who would find this sort of thing incredibly weird and awful. Heck, I get freaked out when I get fitted for a bridesmaid dress--and I'm still wearing all my clothing. I think I would rather chew my own arm off with only my molars than go get fitted for a bra.

[Ozma]

"I also put it off because I only this past year learned to give hugs I'm not exactly ready to be naked in front of people while they wrap a measuring tape around my bosoms."

Ha ha...this is brilliant. Yeah, it's totally like picking someone else. You have to gaze suggestively at that measuring tape around their neck, etc.

Panties. The worst word ever. Particularly for something singular. A pair of panties? WTF? Goddamnit. Who's going to stop that word?

[Erin O'Brien]

This is a far cry from the days of the matronly (and I daresay of questionable sexual orientation) women who lurked in the lower levels of downtown departments stores in the area denoted by a sign that said, "Better Foundations" in grand cursive letters.

Or is it?

[johnC]

I laughed out loud at this one. It feels like a return to form or something.

[Sarah]

I was not raised in any sort of abusive, Mommy Dearest, cult-like, out-of-the-ordinary household, yet the utterly blase way my mom treated the subjects of bras, underwear, basically anything related to puberty (I still feel skeezy typing it all out) thrust me deep into this shameful world of hiding the fact that I'd gotten my period until I was found out three years later. She would grab my arm at family reunions and yell across the crowded room to my grandma, "Don't you think its time for her to start wearing a bra?! She's getting zits and shaving her legs already!" Ugh.

What cured me was college, and living in the girls dorm, and ironically their subscriptions to Cosmo, and shopping with girls who'd just assumed I was having fun checking out the Victoria's Secret clearance sales or that I genuinely wouldn't mind picking up a box of tampons at the campus convenient store that every single student shopped at. The rest of my weirdo hangups kind of disappeared after that.

What sealed the deal was when I was recently in a wedding and one of my fellow bridesmaids took me to this place on the southside of Chicago that is apparently an institution for the southsiders called Sally Ann's Corset Shop (though they sell everything). I have no idea why Oprah hasn't mentioned the place yet. It is run by old ladies who don't even give you the option to be modest. They are amazing. They measure, poke, pinch, prod, help you squeeze into stuff...you come out looking like a new person. Also, they are drag queen friendly, and nothing will get you over your insecurities about underwear shopping more than an afternoon of trying on bras next to a 6'4" bald man with lipstick on his teeth.

Should these insecurities return when you need another bra, I cannot recommend highly enough a weekend getaway to Chicago and a trip to this place. I feel weird and creepy just singing its praises, but I don't think I'll ever be able to go anywhere else again.

[lee]

Two comments about this. Ok, three.
1. Hilarious. 2. I got fitted for a bra "by surprise" when I told the lady my size and she said, "Um... I can tell just by looking at you that that's not your size. Girl, you need a fitting." That magical day has saved me from a lot, and I mean A LOT, of back pain and finally, 3. I live in France and THERE IS NO GOWN HERE. You just put your naked self on their table and there you have it. The best part? When my gynecologist asked me if I had gained weight in my thighs since the last visit, and then SHE STARTED JIGGLING THEM to test.

Anyway, congrats on surviving the awkwardness.

[shannon]

I have to have a few glasses of wine before I can be fitted, and where I go they do it with your shirt on...

[Pants]

What -- no photos to accompany this post?!

What a rip-off (heh heh)...

[Xdm (xiobhan)]

I know this sounds gross, but for the last year I have been wearing one bra. I have others, but none fit me that well. Over the holidays I went to the jockey outlet and bought four pairs and a bunch of underwear. Good old white (for now) bras and comfy cotton Granny panties.* And by the way? My boobs are smaller post baby. I'm a very sad 34A. But that's Ok. I'm going to find myself a rich old man to buy me boobs since my husband won't. Any takers?
* Only appropriate use. Ever. Other horrible words? NOUGAT and MORSEL. (discuss)

[Jenna]

I have the same fear as Eulallia! Thanks for sharing that story, it is good to know that someone else shares the same bra agony! :)

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Possibly the only word worse than "panties" is "panty." In the singular. As in "pantyliner."

I am a firm believer in "knickers."

[AndreainJapan]

OMG!!! I am laughing so hard right now. I was you down to the last letter but in China, about three years ago. I did a bra fitting in China. Imagine doing all of that in a language you totally can not understand. HAHAHA! She even stuck her hands INSIDE the cup of the bra and MOVED my tits around so they were sitting perfectly!! AND there was only one fitting room. I had to remove clothing and stip down with a poor flat cheasted little teenager AND her mother. I am a good sized C. hehe And you know what. Those two bras are the best damn bras I have ever owned. I look hot and my tits look almost playboy like.
hahaha

[briantologist]

The Sunny D joke is BRILLIANT! Comedy of the highest order!

[Jen]

Hallelujah! I had my first fitting a few years ago and now won't step foot in a department store for a bra. (I love Harp's in Birmingham.)

If it's any consolation, you were probably a closet "D" all along ...

[Poppy]

A few weeks ago I took a friend for her first bra fitting. Completely traumatized her. I think she cried a little. Her boobs look great, but now she's psychologically damaged. Probably because her salesgirl drug me back to the dressing room to assist.

One thing I love about my bra shop: you don't have to make that humiliating request for a fitting outloud. They have a sign-in sheet. You can go an entire visit without utteruing the word "bra". It's all about the dignity, you know.

[Ninotchka]

The part about Logan's interview had me DYING. Oh my God. Hilarious. Congrats on your new rack. I've been fitted for running bras before and it was interesting to say the least.

[Kristen]

Okay. First, I was reading this at work and now my rib cage hurts from trying to contain my laughter. Second, before you mentioned Oprah, I was going to say that her show on being correctly fitted actually compelled me to get my first ever bra fitting this year, too. And I have been amazed at the difference. AMAZED. (I was wearing the wrong size, like most people.)

Also, your fear of being walked in by the gynecologist while you're undressing? I almost choked on my tea when I read that, because every time I go, I act very calm and normal until the nurse tells me to change and closes the door. As soon as it's shut, I fling the little curtain across the corner, yank all my clothes off in a panicked frenzy, and make my best effort at tying that stupid gown in the back with my racing, shaking hands. Then when the nurse comes back in, I look completely composed and dignified since I've been sitting on the table staring at the door for 20 minutes.

[robin]

"Do you do this at the gynecologist?"

YES.

Believe me, you are not the only one to hate the words "bra" and "panties." The department store where I usually buy those things has a discount "bra and panty club" that I can't join because then I'd have to carry a pink card in my wallet that said BRA AND PANTY CLUB. Can you imagine??

Also too horrible to say: pantyhose. I prefer "stockings" but then I sound like more of a lady than I really am.

[Nicole]

Bra fittings remind me of one of the most horrible ones I've ever had. You know you need to get your bra fitted EVERY time you buy a new one right? So it will get easier..

I was with a boyfriend, a very jealous one, mind you. And I asked the lady to size me. She picked out the bras she thought I might like and after I tried them on I asked her to see if they fit properly. When I was done, my boyfriend was nowhere to be found. He left the store. Not for normal guy embarassment reasons but because he was JEALOUS! He accused me of being a lesbian because I let another woman look at my breast!! That was a horrible break up..

[srah]

I will join the club of people who hate the words "panties" and "panty" and "pantyhose." I call them nylons if I have to refer to them at all. I believe Dooce had a post where she accused someone of being Midwestern because they wouldn't say pantyhose.

I am also afraid the doctor will walk in on me. I salute you for being brave enough to go get fitted!

[Laziza]

Re. the gynecologist: YES. It's like a race against time. Re. the fitting in general: I went from a 36C that I've been wearing for YEARS to a - wait for it - 34DD when I actually got fitted. It was, like, the Best. Day. Of My Life.

[Kim]

After breast reduction surgery and being cleared for takeoff, I mean for a return to regular bras, I had no idea what size I was and had to get a fitting. It was pretty awkward and uncomfortable but WOW! All I could say was, "It fits!" with a ridiculous grin on my face. I don't think I had ever had a properly fitting bra (I was 35 at the time) until that day. The glory is well worth the initial trauma.

[TB]

I think I may have a bigger issue than you in this case. I've never been fitted because I don't want those barbie-esque snooty Victoria's Secret bitches looking at my boobs and my old, tretched out, rusty hooked, ill fitting bra.

[Mary]

I need to do this but the fact that I'm a B cup and I'm still nursing has me scared, very scared. I saw that Oprah show, too. I'm all over a new bra as soon as kiddo is finished sucking the life out of me.

[Christy]

My trilogy of most-hated words:
1. Pork
2. Panties
3. Moist

Anyone noticing my theme of sexual repression? I don't care. Those are disgusting words. And as soon as anyone finds out my trilogy of most-hated words they start combining them into vomit-inducing sentences.

Also - I need a bra fitting! Where can I get one in the boonies of Illinois?

[brooke]

oh man i feel your pain!! i had to get my first bra in THIRD GRADE. who gets boobs in third grade?!? no one HAPPY, let me tell you. ughghghghghg god. i've still never really had a fitting, i just do the same thing i do when i buy shoes - guess and then get sad when i get home and it looks/feels funny.

[gigi]

Fabulous post! I've been waiting for you to get the bra fitting (I remember you mentioning it a while back) because I was thinking of trying it out. But those girls in Royal Oak scare me. I don't want them touching me either. But it sure would be nice to have a bra with straps that aren't always falling off!

[ashpdx]

Hi Melissa,
I feel your pain. I was fitted once for nursing bras in a lingerie shop. It was humiliating as they kept trying to find a bra to fit my large breasts, short-waisted torso, yet narrow shoulders. I had been a D cup before nursing. None of the bras were a great fit and they had other consultants come in for their opinions, I felt like a freak. They wanted me in a J cup! I was so depressed. I didn't think I was THAT big or that they even made bras that big. I ended up rejecting the $60 bras and going to Target for a cheap, badly-fitted D cup nursing bra. I mean, it was just temporary I figured. By the way, they should never watch as you put on the bra in my opinion.
At least you got a great bra from your experience. (-:

[suburban misfit]

I hate calling them "bras", too. That's why I call them "foundation garments". It's MUCH cooler than that other word, and makes me feel all classy and stuff.

[stephanie]

For you ladies, it would be well worth taking a trip to Michigan Ave. in Chicago and going to Intimacy -- http://www.myintimacy.com/. The bra fitters who work at this shop are amazing. They don't even have to measure you.

You take your shirt off, and they look at the bra you are wearing and then they go out and come back with a handful of bras. Try on a couple to check for fitting (They check the band, check the straps, and show you where all the parts should go. For instance, most people with shoulder problems have that because their band rides up too high on their back.)

Then, they come back with a couple new bras, and you are fitted. Simple as pie, and so amazing. Of course, they are in the dressing room with you when you try them on, but with a properly fitted and well cared for bra, your bras will last a lifetime, which means less fitting embarrassment!

[stephanie]

Oh, and I forgot. If the underwire comes out of the bra, or if it loosens up and needs to be altered, they will fix the bra for free.

I know, I sound like I work for the shop. But the store and their bras are amazing.

[Lisa]

You are so funny!

I actually enjoy bra stores because there are no children in them. I can sit in the dressing room, sipping champagne (mine serves drinks), and naked and melt into the quiet that is the bra store. I try and go weekly.

[elisabeth]

I had to have a number of drinks before I went for my bra fitting, but it changed my life as well. And I think the normal response is for it to be uncomfortable to have a strange woman in that close proximity to your nipples.

[Cherie]

I so agree with all you've said. Unfortunately, I no longer gain weight in my chest when I gain it elsewhere. It all seems to go to my waist now. I blame that on my three daughters, who seem to have sucked every fat cell out of my chest while nursing. I do need to get a fitting now that I'm done breastfeeding but I look awful. I don't want anyone to see me naked. I have to see my dermatologist every 6 mos. for a skin check (skin cancer), so I have to strip down (and he doesn't leave me enough time ever to change) and have him check every inch of my skin. I can only imagine what he thinks of my poor beat up scarred misshapen body.

Yes, and I hate those words too.

[Stephanie]

I rush to get undressed at the gynocolgist, too. I had to have a full-body mole check last year, underwear only. The doctor decided after he had already checked me with my pants on that he needed to do a more thorough exam. So he went out in the hall so I could take my pants off. I had only removed one leg before he was knocking on the door to see if I was ready. I was standing there, struggling to get the other leg off in panic that he'd burst in, yelling "Uhmm, no, not yet! Just a minute!" I had barely jumped back up onto the table before he came in again.
It was mortifying. He wants to see me again this year. I think I want to find a new dermatolgist.

[Mir]

So will it be creepy and weird for me to insist that we see pics of your newly perky girls? That's always my favorite part of "What Not To Wear," when large-chested women finally get a decent-fitting bra. It really does make all the difference.

Hmmm. Maybe I should become a lesbian. But I really can only see breasts as a fashion accessory, truthfully. Could be a problem.

[Rachel]

You crack me up!
I don't think I have ever been fitted properly for a bra. And now that my last child has finished nursing, I really need it! I generally have been wearing loose sports bra - trust me, they do NOTHING for how my breasts look but are sooo comfortable. Any real bra I've ever worn always annoys me because either the straps fall down or the cup rides up - no happy medium.

[Melissa]

I finally broke down and had a fitting after a rather awkward Halloween moment. I was dressed as The Nanny (theme: things that annoy you and people you love to hate) in a very small sequined dress. I bent over to pick something up and my bra strap rode up my back, well above my dress. The woman standing next to me, who I had only met once before, announced loudly that I had to get fitted properly RIGHT AWAY and that the strap SHOULD NOT be riding up that way. Hey, thanks for noticing.

[alice]

I feel compelled to tell Christy about my moist pork panties, but I don't think she's going to appreciate the story.

[clickmom]

I too went from a DD to a J with children. (Now back to a G or H) When I told my pal that I get my bras from catalogues she asked how I knew what size to order. I told her it was easy, I get the biggest one.

I am so getting a reduction one of these days!

[Lena]

Funny! You're back! It is a return to form. I even interrupted my husband at work to make him read that paragraph about Logan. Hys-teric-al.

Keep at it, D!

[Kim]

Hey clickmom, JUST DO IT!!!! Breast reduction changed my life. My only regret is not doing it when I was 20 instead of waiting until 35. (But if I'd done it at 20 I probably wouldn't have had a full milk supply so it's probably for the best.)

I'm even an inch taller since my reduction, because I don't hunch my shoulders over to hide my chest.

The scars kind of suck but my then boyfriend, now husband, got over it pretty quickly.

Mine may need some re-perk-ification after I'm done having kids, but I can live with that. Too bad my insurance isn't going to cover that one.

[Sarah]

Funniest post ever! And I could relate to all of it. Oh, except for the 'going up a cup' part. I'm of the breastily challenged group. I hate going into those kinds of stores because I'm a bit of a tomboy and feel a complete doof amongst the pretty, feminine people.
Hate the word panties. I use 'underpants' with just the right level of pronounciation!
Here's a question....are you supposed to change your bra everyday like your 'panties'? I've never been clear on that one (not saying I do or don't; just asking!)

[Pants]

PS Against all odds I did get that job I was interviewing for!

[jacks]

Ack! "Panty"/"Panties" and "Moist" are the worst words EVER created!

I must say that I loved this post. I've always wondered what a bra fitting was REALLY like.

[Julie]

What a great, funny storyteller you are! This one really hit home. I finally went for my first-ever fitting at Intimacy in Chicago, and it was totally worth the uncomfortableness. My girls are finally up where they belong!

[Andi]

I had my first fitting in 2000. A little old lady with a hump juggled my breasts and made bad jokes about how my "cups runeth over" and how "Now we'll always be bosom buddies" before assigning me a 44II bra size (I swear, she wrote it down on my pink index card and I thought that it was a part number or something.)

I have never liked "The B word" but when you're a 44II mere bras don't cut it any more... now we're talking about something like architectural support... Trusses... Flying Buttresses... My bras should come with spitting gargoyle nipple covers.

[not-that-Andrea]

I so hate everything about bras. I'm really fat but also really flat-chested. If I go by the standard formula (difference between measurement below bosoms and around bosoms), I would apparently need a negatively sized bra. And being fat (that's not a bad body image-type statement, but the truth), I'm not sure I could bring myself to go for a bra fitting...because they wouldn't have one that fits. Maybe I'll just stick with wrapping my chest in an Ace bandage....but DANG, it hurts when that spiky clip thing slips!

[Amy]

I literally snorted at the Logan part of the story. I had a really funny image of being an observer of this from afar and could not stop laughing.

I had a bra fitting at Victoria's Secret and I suspect they did not do it right. So I will have to try again. Wheeee -- getting felt up twice in one year by a perfect stranger who happens to be a woman.

[kristine]

Um...people get 'fitted' for those things?

Okay, i'm coming out:

My name is Kristine and I have NEVER bought a bra for myself. My mother does it for me.

It's not out of embarrassment, it's uh..dear lord I have no idea why I have never bought a bra. I don't even know what cup size I am!
I know that they are all Victoria's Secrets...or in my case, "Kristine's Secrets"
Cause, I don't know.

Alright, new years resolution...go buy my own damn bra!

[Liz]

Hate the word panties. I always say underwear. And I had a bad fitting at Victoria's Secret as well. I guess I need to do a real one someday.

Also hate the word "slacks".

[Sandee]

Miss Sunny D!
You inspired me! I've been putting off getting fitted, but after I read your post, I ran (drove) right out and hit the nearest bra store. What an eye-opener. I, too, have gained weight in the last couple of years and have gone up a cup size. Alas, I have also gone up a size around, too. Anyway, the new bras fit great, and the boobs are no longer kissing the belly. Thanks, Melissa!

[Paige]

I got fitted over Christmas too, and went up a cup - it was insane. Apparently I had no idea how to pick a bra.

[Vida]

I don't think I've ever heard of anyone getting fitted properly at a Victoria's Secret.

[jenB]

instead of "moist pork panties" heh, in my part of canada we call those things you know, "ginch or ginchies or gonch or gonchies". in my house ginch was female and gonch was for the guys. my brother will still tell me to this day not to get my "ginchies in a wad". indeedy.

[another Melissa]

No, Victoria's Secret fitters are just teenage salesgirls. I find it impossible to think they can do a proper fitting.

Ohmygod, porkmoistpanties. Ack!

I love "ginchies," kind of like the Grinch of underpants. "No, MY ginchies! Stay out!"

Or, my other favorite, "flying buttresses." But that may sound more fitting for those new butt-lifting jeans at VS.

[yvonne]

I could NEVER do that. As desperately as I want to have my tits sized up, I could never let another woman look at my breasts and their DOWNWARD POINTIN' NIPPLES.

Yeah, gaining 100 pounds and losing 60 of them does a number on ones boobs and man, I won't even let my husband see them unless I'm laying down or standing with my hands way up in the air.

Good for you, for getting over your fear about it and doing it! I admire you!

[Vida]

I don't think I've ever heard of anyone getting fitted properly at a Victoria's Secret.

[Vida]

What the... Why the double post? And why an hour and a half apart? Sorry about that.

[JustLinda]

Oh my god, that was so funny... the black socks, I almost lost it (I'm quite certain we ALL do that... well, except for maybe that one girl who was just a total slut in high school and totally WANTED people to see her naked?).

Anyway, getting fitted for a bra was on my 2005 resolutions and I didn't do it. So I'm a big chicken, too.

I made a BRA QUEST post not long ago... if anyone is interested, it can be found here: http://justlinda.blogspot.com/2005/11/this-womans-quest.html

[MFA Mama]

You think that's bad? The only bra fitting I've ever had was for a NURSING bra...I was buying it from the only place in town that sells them here, which is a large pharmacy (but that word doesn't do it justice--they also sell everything from customized furniture for the disabled to fast food to medical supplies and diabetic candy in bulk). They sent me into a SUPPLY CLOSET to strip TOTALLY NAKED FROM THE WAIST UP (and because I delivered early I had already HAD the baby and was in fact on my way home from the hospital, so I still had enough sweet, sweet drugs running through my system that I was willing to do this) and they measure you that way. Uh huh. I was deathly afraid the nice girl (she was like, twenty but said she had two kids herself and seemed to know what she was doing) measuring me would brush up against one of them and I'd lactate all over her and have to die on the spot from embarassment. It didn't come to that, but...bleeeeeeech. I've never gone for a fitting since having kids because the memories are too horrific!

[Kathy Bliss]

Had to check out your site because I loved the name... I'll be back often, thanks for the super funny take on bra fittings!

[MonoCerdo]

For fuck's sake that was hilarious.

P.S. The P-word for underwear is my least favorite word too!

[Cheryl]

What! No Photos? Congrats to the girls and their new digs!

[Schnozz]

"I was standing there, struggling to get the other leg off in panic that he'd burst in, yelling "Uhmm, no, not yet! Just a minute!" I had barely jumped back up onto the table before he came in again."

I think Stephanie just described my WORST NIGHTMARE. The minute that door clicks closed, I am yanking off articles of clothing as if my life depended on it. And who knows? Maybe it does. All I know is that Something Bad will happen and I don't want to find out what it is.

Oh, and as for the bra fitting ... the thing is, I'm afraid they're going to tell me I don't need one at all. I have the chest of a nine-year-old boy.

[Sherri]

Oh man! That was funny! I really liked the part where you left your body and watched from above. :)

[Jamie]

My grandmother used to work at Harvey's Department Store in the 1960s. She would tell the story about measuring a woman's waist, only to discover her boobs were hanging down that low! At least gravity has not taken too merciless a toll on your girls. Congrats on the cups of Sunny D! :)

[Abigail]

I used to be afraid of bras, breast, panties, other people touching me, and other people looking at me.

Then I did theatre.

Period theatre.

I quickly lost all fear as EVERY SINGLE DAY three women would dress me in the whole corset, hoop skirt, layers upon layers business. After I lost the fear, it was kinda nice. I think it's what they call being served hand and, er, foot.

But seriously, now, I can hug people topless and I don't even think about it. I don't do that though because other people are quite that comfortable.

[Abigail]

I used to be afraid of bras, breast, panties, other people touching me, and other people looking at me.

Then I did theatre.

Period theatre.

I quickly lost all fear as EVERY SINGLE DAY three women would dress me in the whole corset, hoop skirt, layers upon layers business. After I lost the fear, it was kinda nice. I think it's what they call being served hand and, er, foot.

But seriously, now, I can hug people topless and I don't even think about it. I don't do that though because other people are quite that comfortable.

[Texas T-bone]

Geez, 70 comments on this top. Who knew? Won't say much because, really, we guys have NO equivalent experience. Except maybe the doctor cramming his fingers up our butts. But then we don't get to wear anything new home. The bra-fitting scenario sounds dreadful.

And now I want a hug from Abigail. ;-)

[k]

I love you!! And umm, YES normal people DO have these issues!! I just went through this whole 'fitting' thing and am now $150 poorer, but my boobs look cute. How about that! I walked around all day asking my friends "don't they look MUCH BETTER?"

[Jena]

I laughed out loud about 4 times when reading this post - then had to go pee immediately b/c i'm 7 1/2 months pregnant and you can't laugh that hard w/out consequences. You have such a great sense of humor - it's even better when you spread it around!

And I have actually done the exact same thing that your husband did in a revolving door (hence the 4th outburst of laughter); except it was my first full week on a job, with my boss and i ripped the heel off of my shoe. So instead of him taking me to lunch i had to go buy a new pair of heels. Talk about feeling like a complete and total dumbass!

[V]

Heehee...does your cup runeth over? Is that the joke he hates?
Sounds fun....I think I'll stick with the old "trial and error" method of bra sizing! With my own mirror....thanks!

[jennifer]

the worst word ever is moist.

i worked for victoria's secret, my training literally consisted of reading the directions off the back of the tape measure. quality. i actually worked there long enough i could look at people and tell them what size they were. can't say it is the most useful life skill.

[pinky]

oh, my hatred for the word "panties." I can't say it. i used to have a friend who couldn't bear it when I said "underpants" - partially I did it to be cute, but mostly because underwear seems utilitarian, panties too childlike or too....something. my usage of that word was one of the nails in the coffin of our friendship, I fear.

and for those of you who mentioned "ginch" and "gonch" I give you this. eeeeeeeyah.

http://www.ginchgonch.com/

[karyn]

Over here at my house, we coined a new term for men's undies: manties. That's right, panties for men. Because I shouldn't be the only person embarrased by the word panties, my husband should share in the joy. And there is nothing better than to hear my 4yo daughter asking her daddy if he is wearing his new manties. hehehehe.

[jenB]

i think that site has spoiled my underwear vernacular forever, pinky. i curse you! :-)

[pinky]

now those are some manties, eh jenB?

[Tammy]

I just know I'm going to have to go to one of those fittings. But what if the lady says "Jeez, I don't know if we have anything THIS shape..."

[mom on zoloft]

ok, I'm peeing myself. As someone currently dealing with antidepressant weight gain and who spent the weekend doing the exact same thing, I feel like you stole my diary. But man, does my back feel better the past couple of days!

[Katy]

Okay I guess the cheese stands alone. I am always in such a rush to get through my life - rush rush rush everything - that I'd rather the doctor not even leave while I change. It would save time because they usually go and do a whole other patient while I'm getting my gown on and then I'm waiting there naked save for a paper towel. Plus I'm really not modest at all. It's always those of us who SHOULD be modest that aren't. I have such extreme body image issues that I'm actually more comfortable naked than I am in clothes because there are no clothes on this planet that fit me.

[Delisa]

Well, I have 38DD and went to Frederick's of Hollywood (per my husband's request) because he wanted me to wear a bra that fastened in the front. When I asked the lady if they had bra's that fastened in the front, she stated "sure we do, what size?" I replied, "38DD." An eery silence fell across the room. She slowly turned her head to me and gasped. "Uh, uh, we don't carry them in that size." She replied with a petrofied look. Well excuse the hell out of me! What, are they considered a consealed weapon of some sort? She even went so far as to say they don't make them in that size! Jesus Christ Lady they are titties not missles!

[Jen M]

"Panties" is definitely a terrible word. I hate saying it aloud, and I snicker when men say it aloud.

also on the list:

menstruation
gonad
eyeball
smear

[Leslie]

By Far one of the f-ing funniest ones I've read yet. Only b/c I've been there and acted the same way! Being a woman rocks doesn't it!

[Vanessa]

When I went to get fitted for my wedding dress, the old lady at the shop stuck her hands down my front and lifted my naked boobs into position. I nearly died on the spot. I have to say, though, my weirdest breast-exposure experience was the nursing class I took at the hospital when my daughter was born: ten hormone-crazed new mothers sitting in a circle, wheeled plastic baby boxes at our sides, hospital gowns down around our waists, trying to get newborns to latch on and surreptitiously checking each other out at the same time. (After all, you've got to make sure you're not the only one who's developed scary blue veins and giant nipples over the last nine months!)

[margalit]

I'm sitting here at my computer laughing my ass off topless. My boobs are resting comfortably on my forearms as I type. I can't wear a bra right now as I just had surgery and the bra strap would lay right on my scar. But the doctor told me that I would need to go to Nordstrom and get a bra fitting once I could wear one again. Oh, just what I want, a high fashion store employee feeling me up. My boobs are heading straight south and they hate underwires with a passion, so I'm thinking of just giving up and going braless forever.

[Theresa]

OMG, Vanessa, I think we must have gone to the same bridal store. I had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE during my wedding dress fitting. She did it so matter-of-factly that I have to conclude that she does that to everyone. She could at least have bought me dinner first.

[Emily]

I've HAD the OB/GYN's nurse walk in on me before I got the gown on - I think I still had underwear (I hate the word "panties" too) on but still....

[Miss Weeze]

Sitting at work laughing until I choke. And, as an ex-actress, I also recommend the theater as a sure-fire way of getting over all this modesty business. When I got fitted for a wedding dress at Reem Acra, I reached down and yanked my bosoms up into place myself, much to the shock and amusement of the salesgirl. What, that's not what I'm supposed to do?

[Sierra Salem]

I love being a mom and your journal! Here is a picture of me and my baby.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v224/relatives/sierrababy3.jpg

Also, check out my journal. I'm always looking for new friends!
--Sierra Salem

[Jackie Joy]

First of all, ain't no bra-fitter touchin' mah girls, and I don't have any wierd hugging hang-ups, so it's not just you!
Second of all, I can't tell you what a relief it is to click on your page and not see Choppable.

[Jen]

That was probably the funniest post I've ever read anywhere! I was laughing out loud. You write brilliantly.

And some of the comment are pretty hysterical, too!

[Dana]

There is not a single female in my address book who has not been informed that they must come over here, quickly, and read this. And laugh. Aaaaaaaand laugh. :)

[Shelley]

I thought I was the only person in the world who hates the words "bra" and "panties." Good to finally learn there is someone else out there who does too.

[Sierra Salem]

I love being a mom and your journal! Here is a picture of me and my baby. Don't worry, I get embarrased at times too. More times than you can imagine!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v224/relatives/sierrababy3.jpg

Do you think my baby is cute?

Also, check out my journal. I'm always looking for new friends!
--Sierra Salem

[Jujubee]

I recently went in for my first bra fitting, and my sister was HORRIFIED when I told her about the procedure. After the taking off of the sweater, measuring under the bust, and bringing back a few cup sizes to try, the lady had me bend at the waist and sort of jiggle my breasts into the cups to get them fully in there. She stood behind me and reached around to help. Then she hooked it and adjusted the straps. I'm not shy so I didn't really think to much about it, but my sister was practically hyperventilating when I suggested that she get one.

It was totally worth it. My F cups look amazing and perfect. Not only that, but the bra itself is lacy and gorgeous and only has TWO hooks. I didn't even know that was an option in my size. If you are large chested, get thee a professional fitting and try out Fantasie bras.

[Camera Obscura]

Daughter has such a problem with the word "bra" that I'm only allowed to say "Brazil" (a twist on "brassiere") and not even that in mixed company. Sigh. But she's a serious prude compared to me, anyway. And Lord help you should you mention her underwear, no matter what you call it. But I always figure if she didn't want it mentioned, she shouldn't pull it up so far it shows over the top of her jeans.

I can't believe anybody thought you actually got fitted for a bra at Vicky's Secret.

I went for my annual gyn exam this morning. And discovered that I had made a tragic mistake -- I had on a shirt with extra thick buttons, which take extra effort to get through the buttonholes. I thought sure I was gonna get caught with my pants down (and my shirt at half-mast). Then I thought, "Hey, this guy's been staring at your bod for 25 years, so WTF?" He's a lot more fun than he was when we were younger. Or maybe I am...

Panties. Pork. Moist. Gonads. Thong(-tha-thong-thong-thong).

#2-Son's health class homework is researching STDs right now. I just spent half an hour on the CDC's website, writing down things like "cottage-cheesy-like discharge". The above words and their associated ideas no longer faze me.

[Lee]

Man, this was f*ing hilarious! I just had my first fitting last week, and I've never been happier with my girls. The fitting itself wasn't too bad -- I went to Nordstrom's and had TWO different fitters consulting... But I just convinced myself it was like a doctor's office, and they've probably seen everything by now. Anyway, my 34/36C's were actually 32 DDD -- who knew?
I can wholeheartedly recommend Nordie's for a fitting (they even have bras in the $30 range), and figleaves.com for every size under the sun, from 28F to 56FF (there's some JJs in the middle, too).

[Eileen]

I stumbled on this web site when doing research for my job on bra fittings. I am in fact a professional bra fitter for some major bra manufacters (not the expensive ones that they advertised on Oprah). I have been fitting women for bras for 4 1/2 years now and have heard most of the comments made here on this site in the fitting rooms of major departments stores. I hear your pain ladies! I was in fact a women in the wrong size bra for many years, until I started working for the company....thank god for this job! After I have measured a women for a bra and give them some bras to try on, I share my own experience of being a misfit. I was wearing a 34c, but actually a 34dd! Yes, it's true. Nobody ever told me anything different or ever talked about it! There are many of us misfits or as I like to say Queens of De Nile out there, but there is help not far away! Most of your regular department stores, (not just the high priced snooty ones) have someone in the lingerie dept that will fit you for a bra. I myself, travel to a different store each day and fit women for bras. They see the tape measure around my neck and know what I'm there for....they just have to ask. Some women are shy and don't want you in the fitting room and that's fine. I just tell them how the bra is supposed to fit and they can judge it themselves, otherwise I go in and give them advise and help them with their selections of bras (there barely A's to DDD, push up to no wire, half size to halter). Since Oprah's show on bras and as of yesterday, the Today show, women have really come out of their bedrooms and into the fitting rooms to get fitted properly. They complain about the straps falling off, the wires digging, always pulling down the back, not enough support, etc. All of these problems point to unproper fitting bra. I encourage all women to get fit and feel better about wearing a bra...you shouldn't feel like your wearing anything at all! It won't take that long to get fit, in fact yesterday I had a women in the room for 5 min and she couldn't believe she was in and out so quickly! It really isn't like going to the gynecologist or the dentist, but hey, if you want to go out with friends for a drink and then come and get fit!
ps. We call pantyhose, hosiery and yes underwear is panties.....my mistake was in the mens dept and instead of saying briefs, I said panties! I'm a busy women working in many depts sometimes, but I am here to help!