Oh...things are going to get heavy

I would like it if I were different in a lot of ways.

There are some specific things I'm realizing, over the last two weeks, I need to do for myself.

Being in California last week I realized how far I am from the person I want to be. People had such nice things to say to me and about me. People approached me with such open hearts and yet, I responded to them with my double-chinned awkwardness.

This is not who I want to be.

When I go out with my friends for the night, I always freak out before I go. Because have you seen my friends? They're beautiful people with great taste in clothes. But once I'm actually with them I just feel comfortable, comfortable enough to make my upper lip disappear all night long.

I came home from California crying about all the nice things people said about me. Seriously, I cried in front of Andrew Shue but then I also cried in front of that odd eurasian lady who kept picking at her scalp all through our flight. And the parking lot lady who took my ticket. Then I cried in front of Logan. A lot.

It really disturbed me how much the nice things made me feel sad but happy but kind of really sad because the things people said to me made me want to hurl insults at myself.

I realized then that maybe I have more therapy in my bones.

The comment I got yesterday was so jarring because it's the kind of thing my own internal troll says to me. I have an internal troll who tries to 'keep me grounded' but really the internal troll just hurts my soul.

This is not working out well for me.

I was so jarred because this commenter seemed to have a direct line into my soft spot. I suppose that's because I write so personally, it's not hard to see where my insecurities lie. Also, as a friend pointed out, it's a matter of chance. If 20 people take aim at your heart, your heart will eventually get a direct hit. Unless you keep everyone drunk and then only your eye ball will get nailed.

I should clarify that the comment yesterday didn't change anything about my feelings on faithfulness and marriage. You can't keep anyone was my point. Either you're working at it together or you're not. If one half of the couplehood is ugly, both parties arrived here with that knowledge.

Missteps can happen of course, I've seen enough marriages to know that. But underwear and distrust will never 'keep' a man. People aren't for keeping.

What hurt about that comment was the fact that I'm in a dark self loathing place right now. It's not the bad comments that make me travel to this place and it's not the nice things. Troubling enough, it's both things that make me evaluate this part of myself. The bad things people have to say make me feel shaky and indignant. The good things make me feel like I don't deserve good things.

Nice comments make me question how I'm presenting myself. Mean comments make me question myself.

I've been to therapy a lot of times and I think the thing about therapy is that you can only take what you can take at a specific time in your own personal time line. The last time I left therapy I knew I'd go back eventually but I knew it was silly to keep forcing the issue.

As I process my life and realize how badly certain coping skills are working, I get tired of them and want to rid myself of those hassles.

I'm at a point right now where the self esteem issues are preventing me from doing what I'm meant to do. It's time to fix or heal or patch those things up. There was a time when therapy involved convincing myself to eat actual food to give my body energy. That took up a lot of therapeutic energy so there wasn't a lot left for patching together my overall sense of self esteem.

When your therapy involves learning to eat when you are hungry, self esteem gets lost in the shuffle.

I think it's time to figure out some of what I can do to make myself better. I don't like how I'm feeling right now and it's not because I've gained weight. It's not because I'm going off my medication.

It's also not because my husband loves me in a deep and passionate way I feel grateful for everyday. Not grateful because I'm not as pretty as my him. Not grateful because I don't 'deserve' him.

I'm grateful because people like Bethifer will never know what it's like to be loved like I am loved by my pretty husband.