The universe: reacting to trolls with philosophy.

Sometimes I'm just stunned by the universe when things like this happen. This is the fortune Logan got in his fortune cookie last night at his weekly pool league.

Yes, I realize there are women at the pool league. Not to worry I strapped my Man Saving Panties around his head to protect him. He's mine ladies....all. mine. And I am grateful he even came home after wards.

Hey! I thought I was over it but I'm not.

The ironic thing is, Logan is never uncertain about his beauty, he never stops beholding it. But then there's me drowning in self-loathing and doubt and I can't get a fortune cookie like that to save my f-ing life. Life is funny.

I've decided the Internet is having it's period and that is why it's being so bitchy. I was actually sort of surprised at how long the Internet has been kind to me. But then again, the first comment Bethany left about not leaving my husband while I go on vacation because he'd cheat on me, I didn't take as a slam but then it was! Duh!

Look how numb I am to your hatred PMS Internet. I don't even notice anymore when you're slamming me. The part where you said, "Your kids will be happy you're gone." Nice touch I didn't even register until you called me ugly. Woooo! Try some Midol and maybe Yasmin birth control because I hear that's good for PMS.

But I was wondering when the hatred would flare up because a lot of nice things are happening to me. But then when bad things are happening I get shitty comments about gratitude and etc. So hey! I guess I just have to not care anymore.

In California Heather revealed her biggest trick for dealing with the hatred which inevitably comes with writing on the internet. "Ignore and then? Ignore some more."

When she said that I was thinking, "You know, I've really started to get the hang of that." Which was a lie. I don't have the hang of it at all.

But you see the crappiness is not just happening to me. It's also happening to Very Mom. And Amalah's gotten an earful about a particular dress (but don't talk about it....she's over it and you should be too) and her decision to work outside the home.

So my theory holds up. The Internet is having it's period and soon all the raging hormones will stabilize and we'll all get along. Until I go to Amsterdam (the 23rd...we're not all going at the same time...though that would be really funny. A bus tour of nerds!) and then some of the Internet will be jealous, and when some people get jealous they don't understand that feeling and are uncomfortable with it. So they make that emotion about something else and they lash out in hateful ways to make other people feel badly.

On a related note: I've realized how I can't write about celebrities anymore at Flogging Baby. Last week I wrote about Britney's rumored next pregnancy and then yesterday I had to write about the car seat debacle. I've been making an effort not to be judgmental about the celebrities, to not say much because we don't know them. We know them even less than people know bloggers and I know how much it hurts when people say shitty things to me. Even still, the vitriol, hatred and judgements hurled at Britney, Katie and Angelina by the commenters on those posts...it's stomach turning.

Whenever I write about a hot celebrity my email fills with these words and also, I think, bad karma.

The problem is, let's be straight here, Blogging Baby is a blog which is based on good writing and interesting links and news but also as much based on traffic.  But Suburban Bliss is just mine. Traffic is of course something a personal blogger loves...but I loved writing this site when I had 8 people reading it.

You'll note the celebrity and gossip blogs have insane traffic and amazing ad revenue, because people love it. They eat it up like a big fat buttery biscuit. So, it just is a necessary evil at Blogging Baby.

But I think my karma is paying the price for writing pieces which put celebrities up for ridicule and hatred. Perhaps the universe is trying to teach me a lesson for letting people leave comments like this:

"I feel for little Sean. I can't imagine what his life will be like."

Because people have said something to that effect to me on this website.

"Um, wow if she actually is pregnant... her hubby acting the way he does, and she's stupid enough to have another one of his offspring?"

Ouch. I wince.

I won't even go into the Angelina/Brad debacles. Oh the rage the general public unleashes on celebrites who cheat (because you know, regular people never have affairs and start over with new lovers)...I've got a lot of shitty comments coming my way if that comment thread is any indication.

When you look at it that way, that I'm putting out even more opportunities for people to spew hatred and judgements at people in the world, perhaps I don't deserve to expect to be treated any differently in my own public forum.

So no more celebrity news other than birth and pregnancy announcments. And I will defer to the rest of the writers to report Katie Holme's delivery or Angelina's because even just a birth announcement sends people into a judgemental and nasty froth.

And my karma inbox is full.

Comments

[Jenn Bo]

Well written! I'm sorry to read about all the yucky emails you've received. If only people could be nice. You will LOVE Amsterdam. I'm in Amsterdam for work right this very minute and it has been a great time. Delicious food, interesting sights, and very nice people. I don't think they have PMS in Amsterdam. Oh, and still no Starbucks. =)

[Heather]

How come no one was saying "Logan better watch out with you traveling so much, you might meet a attractive and suave man in an airport bar and whooosh!"? Women are sometimes so oddly sexist. Sorry! I know we were done talking about this, I'M JUST SAYING!

[juliloquy]

I'm sure you're tired of all things Bethifer, but I read Bethany's comment about your kids to mean she thought they were going to Amsterdam with you (and therefore going to have fun).

Besides having PMS, I think the Internets are also bored.

Anyway, two weeks til you go! I can't wait to read all about it.

[Sarcomical]

i am so sorry you feel like the Internet is crapping on you. it's so easy to say we would be able to be all 'la-tee-dah' if someone slammed us on our sites, but i'm sure it would hit each of us just as hard.

the difficult part is that there's no reason for anyone to assume they have the right to make you feel like you are not beautiful or deserving of whatever happiness your marriage can provide you. people can be such assholes, pretending like they actually know you. that's the pitfall of the internet.

p.s. can I PLEASE still hate tom and katie? i will gladly slam them and direct that karma away from you. ;)

[melissaS]

Wow, Bethany thought I would bring my kids?

She really is fucked in the head.

[minnie]

i thought you looked pretty cute in the photos of you posted.

[Melissa B.]

I tell you though, "man-saving underwear" is about as appetizing as "moist pork panties." I'm still stunned over that nugget of intelligence.

I hope your good-karma inbox floweth over and fabulousness washes over you in a great sparkly display.

[NattyChick]

Karma? Can be ugly and hate filled. But Karma recognises that those you spurn on your babyblogging site deserve it too (that is their comeuppance) and also recognises that it is not YOU who is posting in the comments. That Bitchany? Not Karma. Just a sad, pathetic, needful coward.

[LB]

Melissa,I'm not brave enough to have a blog. I admire the work and frankness it takes on your part to write her and at FB.However,I'm curious if you could talk a bit about how people can more respectfully articulate disagreement with opinons or disgust with subject matter.
I love a mutual admiration society as much as anyone but I wonder, would reading comments sections be as educating and interesting if posters don't express themselves freely? short of name calling and threats, etc?

I get frusterated at how often comments lack nuance, even your own comment above about Bethifer "taking the kids" as "fucked in the head" is missing something. Is it because she though you, Melissa, would bring your kids, or because bringing kids would be fucked? I couldn't leave the continent w/out my kids, but that's me. You do what feels right to you, but it's recent example of how easy it is for everything to get de railed.

Maybe you could get a "How to Write Comments for Dummies" piece going. I know I could use it.Thanks

[LB]

Melissa,I'm not brave enough to have a blog. I admire the work and frankness it takes on your part to write her and at FB.However,I'm curious if you could talk a bit about how people can more respectfully articulate disagreement with opinons or disgust with subject matter.
I love a mutual admiration society as much as anyone but I wonder, would reading comments sections be as educating and interesting if posters don't express themselves freely? short of name calling and threats, etc?

I get frusterated at how often comments lack nuance, even your own comment above about Bethifer "taking the kids" as "fucked in the head" is missing something. Is it because she though you, Melissa, would bring your kids, or because bringing kids would be fucked? I couldn't leave the continent w/out my kids, but that's me. You do what feels right to you, but it's recent example of how easy it is for everything to get de railed.

Maybe you could get a "How to Write Comments for Dummies" piece going. I know I could use it.Thanks

[LB]

UGG see how much help I need ? I was trying to let my 4yr old type in the confirmation code and we got carried away- Sorry

[NattyChick]

I don't think it is very difficult for someone to write a respectfully disagreeing comment. You did it in your comment with the 'I couldn't leave the continent blahblahblah'. Most bloggers that I know and read are happy to recieve CONSTRUCTIVE comments from people and will respond to them in kind. However, trolling to get a reaction and posting comments that are neither respectful, nor essentially 'disagreeing' is not helpful to anyone and is in fact what has people up in arms in this situation. Like breeds like unfortunately and when people post hurtful comments, people tend to strike back in kind.

[Jen]

I so want to buy you a beer to say thanks for your writing. Where do I send the money?

[lisa]

Dude, revel in the fact that you are a hip haute mama with a cutie husband and don't let the trolls get you down! Please stop being so hard on yourself. People with fake email addresses who post anonymously are so not worth it.

[melissaS]

LB: I think that if you approach constructive criticism or disagreement with respect and without personal attacks then your opinion will not be met with disrespect and personal attacks.

My comment about Bethany thinking I was taking my kids with me and thus calling her fucked in the head was clearly a response to my anger (earned anger) at that woman.

I'm obviously joking. Though, really? Anyone who reads this website with their eyes open would realize I would not travel overseas with a friend alone with my kids.

I didn't say a single word about what other people choose to do, you've read judgement where there is none. Families and parenting work differently for everyone and I think I've made that clear repeatedly over all the posts I've made.

My site is ripe with sarcasm and the best way to avoid the 'disgust' with what I say is frankly not to read it because it's not for everyone.

Why would you read something which disgusts you?

[krista- the silent k]

You never cease to amaze me Melissa. You are truly insightful.

About the negative comments- I have no idea how you build a skin think enough to ignore it. It would be horrible to say practise, because that would mean you'd have to keep having shitty negative experiences in order to deal with them.

Maybe we can be pollyanna about it and just say that you won't get stupid mean spirited comments anymore.

I am sending you all the positvie energy I am capable of.

[Mary]

I think you're pretty fucking awesome. You should like turn off your comments or something cause people just can't help but be mean.

[Xangelle]

I just want to say that I am so sorry that people can't live by the old saying that "if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all." I think it is possible to have and share a differing opinion and still be nice. Mean and Nasty people SUCK!

On another note, I just want to say that I love your blog, what you say and how you say it. Out of all the people I read, you are hands down my all time favorite. Your honesty and openess are so refreshing. I realize that I don't know you, and I only get to read what you choose to share with "us" your readers.

I appreciate that you seem to try to balance your life. I love the fact that even though you may be insecure about certain things(who isn't?), that you are secure in your marriage. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

[pomegranate.]

i like you.

[JT]

I cannot for the life of me understand why people read blogs and then rag on the authors. WTF? If you feel judgemental based on what the person is writing, then just... I dunno.... navigate away?

FWIW, you rock. There are tons of people who read you who actually want to be like you (and not just because your husband is cute). Keep on keeping on.

[Sue]

Well I hate to tell you but I have my man-catching panties on and I am counting the days til you head for Amsterdam, because Logan is definitely on my list of hot married men to chase! Do you think he'll mind a 45-year-old 185 pounder with significant sun damage and a coffee-stained smile? Gosh, I hope not! Perhaps you could alert him that I'll be in the neighborhood so he can keep an eye out for me. On second thought, don't. I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise.

I have to stop. I'm even creeping MYSELF out.

[Paige]

I've only been reading a couple of weeks, and I have no idea what you look like. In my head, you are beautiful and funny and witty and astute. And I learned this from brief interludes into your written soul.

And trolls are hideous. Who is she to judge?

[maia]

Move on... don't waste any more energy on her my dear. You are loved by so many many more GOOD people.

Envious as hell you are going to Amsterdam. Look forward to hearing about that adventure!

[Kelly]

Sorry about all the crap you've been getting Melissa. I have to agree about the Internet being on its period, in the past couple weeks I've received really obnoxious comments on my blog as well, calling me a jackass, that my (and I quote), '...lack compassion, responsibility and empathy is astonishing. Heaven forbid YOU reproduce!" Attacking my photography skills (my chosen profession), calling me a superficial bitch and a wannabe.

Why the awful comments? Did I threaten to shoot angelic babies and crying kittens? No, I posted a photo of a cat.

And while on the one hand I'm sort of gigglingly, fiendishly delighted to read the whacko people that come my way, I'm also shocked and hurt in an entirely irrational way (i.e. my feelings were actually hurt). They don't know me from Adam, and yet they find it perfectly reasonable to go on my site, that I pay for, and crap all over me. And then don't have the guts to even answer the emails I sent asking them who the hell they thought they were.

Anyway, it's not all about me, but I just wanted to say, I hope it is just PMS, or something, because I'm sick of people using other people's blogs to unleash their own strange fury at the world. I feel like the stuff I've received has been pretty tame in comparison to what you've been getting; attacking your marriage, and threatening to come on to your husband (or whatever that girl was insinuating) is just wrong on so many levels. I've got a few things you might want to tell her to do with her man saving panties...

[Velma]

To even the playing field, shouldn't comments like the ones you received require little biographical tags to put the poster in context? I mean, they know a lot about you, right?

Like, "blah blah blah man-saving underwear," and then it could say, "Bethany, age 26, brittle and hard looking due to my over-processed hair and tanning bed addiction, lactose-intolerant, recently divorced because my husband found out that I slept with his best man at our reception, generally clueless. Known Aliases: 'Jennifer' and 'That Girl From The Bar Who Puked In the Bathroom Sink.'"

It's important to remember that there are just as many idiots on-line as there are in real life.

[crazedparent]

oh, nice! you want ME to get all the bad karma now?! NO! Now I won't write about celebrity stuff either! ;)

[Rhonda P.]

Melissa, You may not realize this right now because some mean jelous comments were made that hurt your feelings and stirred some things up inside you, but these are truly the things that make people stronger. Once you reach the place inside yourself where you want to be, you'll look back and grin because you'll have moved on to a place inside yourself where these things no longer bother you and it's at that point that you'll know you're acomplishing your goal.

Although miss Bethany is obviously not a nice person (and not to mention a person with issues)her unkind words are giving you strength...use her meaness to your power!!!!

[p]

I am commenting to you in an effort to avoid writing an email to our new prime minister. If I knew you were interested, I'd tell you about it -though you do live in a northern state and you governor is Canadian, so maybe I should not assume you aren't interested. Let's just say that writing to your leader is so grade nine, and if you are going to be so earnest as to write a heartfelt email to a world leader, it is best to do so with less than three beers under your belt. But I digress.

Anyway, turn off your comments (ironic suggestion to find in your comments, no?) I've not commented on your site before, but I enjoy it, and it is your fundamental right to say whatever the fuck you please, otherwise what is the point. Snide bitches have too much power in this world (speaking of grade nine), don't allow them to wear you down.

Also, when in Amsterdam, even if you are run off your ass with meetings and shit, go to Ann Frank House and then walk to the Van Gogh Museum - after visiting both places you will be filled with such heartache and joy about the heights and depths humans can achieve, this internal conflict will convince you to never again allow slutbags to bring you down.

[Erin]

Amsterdam is WAY fun. There's a great flea market where there are tons of awesome, funky, cheap clothing. I'm sure you can find a zip front sweater with some pizazz there. I think Logan got that fortune in his cookie to bring home to you so that you can tape it to that mirror in your head that lies to you. There is so much LIFE inside you and it sparkles and comes across so strongly in every picture. You should call for your readers to send in the ugliest pictures of themselves that they can find. I've got some whoppers. I have a fourth grade school photo that would make your eyes bleed. We're all insecure, somewhere, even (and sometimes especially) the beautiful girls. Look at your children, equal blends of you and Logan and how beautiful they are. There's your proof. (And I LOOVE your hair long like that and darker. It looks great!) I would like to think that people get on blogs or message boards and say nasty things just to spark people up. They are like pocket anarchists, working their way across the internet one snide comment at a time. But sadly, I meet more and more people that are dour and snotty in everyday life, like it is a dogma they subscribe to. Anyway, keep your spirits up. The people who are snotty to you are just jealous. They don't have an ounce of the charisma and talent you do.....and they never will.

[Erin]

Had to post again to agree with p. YOU HAVE TO see the Anne Frank Haus. There's also a sex museum somewhere that is absolutely fascinating. ERotica and what constitutes pornography from the earliest known records to today. And no, it isn't gross. It is actually really interested and mild. Or was, in 1997, when I was there.

[FlippyO]

I'm raising my hand! It's me, I'm one of those people who is very jealous of your trip to Amsterdam. It sounds amazing. I promise not to write nasty things about you while you're gone.

[candy]

I can only say that, for myself, when I blog about how much of a jerk my husband is or how completely dysfunctional I have become, I want my comments to read like:

"Yeah, my husband has done that too!"

As opposed to:

"Your husband is a freak and you both should die."

The distinction is small, I know, but if we all pull together, I think we can achieve it.

[Laura]

Did you notice the more attention Bethany got, the more comments you got? People just jumped on the bandwagon, and it reminded me of the stereotypical fights where two guys would get into it and instead of people breaking it up, they'd all stand around in a circle and scream: "fight! fight! fight!"

Heather is right about ignoring the trolls, Melissa. Like a bad pimple, they get messier when you squeeze them.

Personally, I stopped by here because you're an excellent writer and because I wanted to hear more about Amsterdam and so forth. If I have to read about people like Bethany, I'll click X and wander on.
I don't mean to be critical, but at 44, I've reached a point in my life where I know what i'm willing to deal with. I trust you will find that place in your life too. :)
You've got a great site here and the writing is superb. Leave the trolls alone and give them less air time, they'll become disappointed because they're not getting what they want: attention.
Can't wait to hear about Amsterdam!

[Ed Note: The thing is this is my site and I have to work through things the way I can right now. When you have a blog you can deal with the Bethany's however you choose.]

[schmutzie]

I have never understood slamming people who write blogs. I have been the object of a couple good slammings, and it nearly made me quit. Now, I pretend to ignore it, because it still hurts, but pretending makes it feel a little better, like I've got my own back.

[Sweetney]

we love you, melissa.

[TeriLynn]

I will hunt you down and kill you if you don't go to the sex museum AND bring me back a souvenir.

Don't think I'm kidding.
I'm not.

-Miao.

[TeriLynn]

Oh, and PS- Chris is about to murder me because I haven't verified that you & Logan are coming to my show on Valentine's day. You're on the list and drinks are pretty cheap... And Chris might be taking you both out to dinner while I decorate the stupid bar. I don't know how I get dragged into these things.

[Busy Mom]

Very well said.

[31Summers]

Mother Of It!!!!!!!!! I have never in my life........... I just found your blog through some other blog, can't even remember now but anyway. I got to reading previous post and seeing some of the things people have said to you and I was and am in shock. I mean, what the hell??????? I can't believe someone would say those things to someone!!!!! Oh lord am I seeing red right now and it wasn't even said to me. I think you are 100% in the right with everything you have said in all post about these comments, I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope your faith in the internet community is renewed somehow. I hope this doesn't happen to me, I am terrible about holding a grudge and I am just unable to get over somethings, I know thats bad but......... anyway i am sending good comment vibes your way girl.

[Lena]

Oh Melissa,

It is so interesting that you are writing about this subject. I have felt like something has been abrewing on the internet for awhile now.

I think more and more people are becoming aware of blogging and starting their own blogs. Then they are frustrated by their lack of readers, so they lash out at the established blogs. It's so easy to hide in the anonymity the internet provides - (glad you set up this screening feature - good move).

Please remember that their words are SO NOT ABOUT YOU. It's about what they don't feel THEY have. I know you know that you're not the only one they're being hateful to!

I hope that you can leave this at their front door and move on. It's their hate to own. Not yours.

About the gossip - I did 3 gossip posts last month and my visitor numbers quadrupled! I was so torn! It felt like a deal with the Devil - the easy way out (or in, I should say).

In the end, I have kept it about what is true and real to me. Like you said, this blog is for you. Readers come and go, but you want to look back on your work and life with pride.

K - that's all. Sorry you have to "moderate" this long ass comment. LOL

[Shellybean/Michele]

I take the good with the bad, and I know this in my heart, what does not kill you make's you stronger. I also have had comments left that make me think, am I doing this...do I portray myself like that? I'm not saying you did either of those things. Clearly the person that left you that comment intent, was to stir the pot, and to plant the seed of doubt. I do know that with this whole blogging your life for the world to see--there's going to be some sort of backlash. It's like you're keeping the plantation shutters to your house open 24/7. We think we see things as we are walking by from the sidewalk peering in—and we assume plenty. We see your husband and children, we see laughing, lovig,yelling,slamming doors and we piece together stories with what we see or read. Sometimes we're dead on, and other times we're completely off. I know it makes us angry when people assume, but we as bloggers must also realize that we are not innocent—we could have shut the blinds. We could have hushed our voices…but we instead wrote it out for others to see. We share on blogs what we don't share with our own families; we are more open to strangers than to those who share the same last names.

I'd hate to see your comments turned off--then you'd be like dooce. I don't read people I can't leave feedback for--but this is just me.

[jcchicago]

I only discovered your blog recently (much to my delight) and I can't imagine why anyone would send you negative comments. Your candor, humor, and insight are refreshing and appreciated by so many of us. Here's to your Karma!

[MelanieinOrygun]

Heh... I signed up for this Typepad doohickie just to ask you: what is Yasmin birth control?
Also, I don't think the trolls have anything to do: all their nostrils are empty, so they came here to bug you and some of the other righteous, kickass women of the 'Net. On forums, the saying goes, "Please Don't Feed The Trolls (PDFTT)," and that is what you're encouraging, and that is what will keep 'em away. Goodun.

[angela marie]

Just had to say hi now that I'm a TypeKey-er. And on Yasmin.

I feel cool.

[kristen]

I think it was in the movie "Dangerous Liasons" that I recall Glenn Close saying something like, "When one woman takes aim at the heart of another woman, she rarely misses." I live in fear of many women as I harbor this sentiment myself. You (and your friends!) give me hope.

From the looks of your comments section there's more of the good ones out there than the bad. Don't give up. Don't let the assholes get you down.

[Eulallia]

After an expeience with a very nasty female blogger, I decided to start a new blog to try and get women to appreciate each other and think about what we can offer, instead of judging and tearing each other down. We're not in high school anymore, so why do some women still act like it?! I'm actually looking for guest posts for my "inspire" section... if you're so inclined, I would be honored to have you write a short post for my site. I think my TypeKey thing still shows my old blog, so here is my new one: http://www.momonawire.com

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

I went offline for a week, and suddenly the internet got mean to all the people I like. Either my presence keeps the internet nice, or they just didn't have me to yell at. At any rate I'm sorry you have to deal with evil people, and I hope I've never said anything that made me one of them.