Canada, oh, Canada.

Last month, God proved he loves me and I went to Antsterdam. (Those are related items.)

Before I could go to Hamsterdam I had to stop in Canada.

I have a long history of anthromorphizing Canada. It's not just me it's my sister too. She's the one who said during the big black out of 2003, when some fireworks went off in a northernly direction: "Oh God, they blew up Canada. Oh our gentle brother to the north....no, not Canada!!!!!"

This outburst may have involved herbs, or maybe not, I'm not sure. All I know is it wasn't the first time I spoke to Canada as if it was an entity and not just a country full of many specific people. I don't just pick on Canada either, I've also admonished Ohio for throwing all those beer bottles into Lake Eerie and making a mess for Canada to pick up.

I like to think of Canada as a little brother I give a wedgie to every once in a while.

On my way to AntsAreInTheJam, bad things happened to me in Toronto. At Pearson specifically.

I may have known Canada was not on my side when I boarded a very small plane on the actual tarmack in Detroit, this just didn't seem safe. But was that Canada's fault? Maybe Canada wanted me to board the plane from a normal tunnel from the exit in the airport and Canada just couldn't work that out. I was willing to give Canada the benefit of the doubt.

The flight was fine but there were 30 empty seats in our 60 seat plane and the man sitting next to me refused to move. Yes, I know I could have moved but I was in the window seat and had my huge bags, I was a sherpa honestly, with me to pummel the people around me. Still, the guy next to me wouldn't move to any of the other 18 entirely free rows in the plane, I counted them all.

This was my first impression of Canada, and I wondered, does Canada think I'll be insulted if someone gets up and moves away from me during a flight? Is this what Canada does? Likes to stick to the rules? I never knew this about Canada, but okay fine, we can snuggle up in this tiny plane when there's lots of room to stretch out all over.

Once I arrived in Toronto I realized quickly: these people aren't Canadian....they're French. The french are rude. Everyone was speaking english, but I felt confused, disoriented by all the french signs around. I honestly felt mentally disabled and having to catch a bus from the tiniest airport terminal ever to the regular terminal didn't help. This never happened to me in America.

I had a very long layover in this place they call "Canada" but thought I would get myself checked in for my KLM flight so that I could spend the rest of the afternoon reading, writing and soaking in Canada in the terminal.

In Detroit no matter when you arrive for a flight you just walk up to the counter and you check in. At KLM you walk up and no one's there and they don't arrive for another hour for work. Canada was starting to seem really odd to me.

While waiting for the check-in counter to open, I cleared out my purse. I grabbed the envelope my first ticket had been in and thought, "I don't need this! I'm here and I'm going to Amsterdam!" So I threw it away.

What I forgot is that on the back of that envelope was my luggage claim ticket. This is important because for the next 4.5 hours, Canada made me travel to all three terminals several times each to try and find the missing luggage claim number.

Oh Canada how I grew to hate you in those 4.5 hours. You might say, 'But Melissa, you were the asshole who threw away your luggage claim number. Not Canada."

Or maybe you'll say, "But Melissa, Canada didn't send you on a wild goose chase, very specific people did."

I wasn't angry with Canada for the first two hours of the wild goose chase. I wasn't angry in hour three, I was just angry at myself for being so stupid. In fact I wasn't even that angry until the last half hour of the ordeal. At that point I wanted to choke and punch Canada.

I waited in, I am not exaggerating, 18 different lines in 4.5 hours. I waited in lines for shuttles to different terminals. I waited in lines which were wrong lines but I didn't know. I was told I needed to go to terminal 3. At terminal 3, they said go to terminal 2. At terminal 2 they couldn't believe terminal 3 would tell me to go to 2, you have to go to terminal 3. No, they couldn't just call that desk and ask them for the number for me. I guess the phones in Canada are different, in that they don't connect to each other.

Each time I explained my predicament Canada acted like it didn't speak English and had no idea what the hell I was talking about.

"I threw away my luggage claim ticket accidentally. I need the claim number so KLM will be able to track my luggage."

Canada? Why does that confuse you?

The precise moment I wanted to murder Canada came at the United counter, in hour 4 of this ordeal. You see I'd taken an Air Canada flight but duh! It originated in Detroit and United runs those flights so obviously that's where I needed to go all along. Okay fine Canada, these are the types of things you may have mentioned the first time I was at terminal 2 or maybe when I was at the first, second or fifth Air Canada desk. But okay, you're Canada maybe I don't know how you work.

I wait in line for another 17 minutes and finally get my turn. I explain my situation to a snarling man with fangs and excessive facial hair (he was actually a fairly well groomed gay man) and I hadn't even started crying yet, though the panic was starting to rise in my throat.

He looked confused and said, "Oh no, I can't print that number for you. No. No I can't do it." (I think he may have said 'No' four more times just to be sure I heard how serious he was about not helping me. No.)

I have never wanted to bite a human being before. I've wanted to spank someone, I've wanted to choke someone. I've wanted to slap someone across the face. I control those urges of course, but never before have I wanted to actually put my teeth on another person's flesh.

I wanted to bite that man. I wanted to bite him right through his bones and when he asked me to stop I wanted to say, "Oh no. No nononononono I can't do that for you! No. No. No."

I started to cry at that point because when I asked him where I needed to go to get the number he pointed to another Air Canada line which was winding around and would take me at least another 30 minutes to get through.

At that point I decided to speak to someone at the first class desk even though I was clearly not a first class passenger, because first class passengers have nothing to cry about. They don't even need luggage claim tickets, they get a midget who carries their luggage gingerly from plane to plane.

I told her my story and she was mostly kind but also annoyed and she made some calls and looked some things up and then, would you like to know what she did?

She stood up, walked back over to the snarling fanged gay man and GOT THE GOD DAMNED NUMBER FROM HIM. Let that soak in for a minute, okay?

So after 4.5 hours I have the stupid number and am checked into my flight. I get through security and decide to buy a magazine to read while I wait for my flight. But it got better because then Canada stole my money.

I didn't think I had exact change when she gave me the total so I handed over a ten. She reminded me that I'd get back Canadian money. I said, "Oh, okay." and looked at my wallet a little closer. Surprise! There was the exact change I needed. So I said .5 seconds after she reminded me about the change issue, "Wait, I have the exact change."

Keep in mind she's handed nothing to me and hasn't even put my ten in her register yet.

She then turned into a snarling medusa-like creature with snakes all over her head and said, "Sorry. In Canada we steal your money too," and refused to give me back my money. So I wouldn't be stuck with a bunch of Canadian money I'd have to pay to have transferred back to US funds.

Fine. Thank you Canada. It's now 5pm and I have so far had a Luna bar to eat all day. I go find a place to have a very unsatisfying burger and a mildly satisfying beer. I open my laptop thinking at least I can now check my email, thinking I'll pay whatever it costs to connect to the internet in Canada. I don't care.

But Canada, it was then that you pushed just one step too far. There is no wireless internet access at your airport and that is unforgiveable.

Canada, I know you didn't do all this to me, I know. It's just that I always thought it was national law that everyone in Canada be as nice as this Canadian? I feel disillusioned.

I'm sure in time I'll be able to move on. I'm sure I'll once again remember all the things I love about Canada. But right now, I still kind of want to bite you.

Hard.

When I arrived in Amsterdam I kissed Alice on the lips and said, "I'm so happy you aren't Canadian."

Updated to add: Hey hey hey....I don't really hate Canada (but I do hate Pearson Airport) and I don't want my comments to turn into a serious Canada bash-fest. So tread lightly guys.

Comments

[Melissa]

Well, at least Alice WASN'T Canadian so you could smooch her in good conscience.

Or, as my kids called it for a while, Coyotean.

[Izzy]

Christ on a crutch...that's one hell of a story. They didn't know who they were screwing with, that Silly Canada.

[Denise Tanton]

I really hate the Toronto airport. It's the worst airport in the world. I will fly to hell and back to avoid the Toronto airport. I feel your pain!

[jeff]

Absolutely fantastic post. One of your best ever.

Any lingering "Canada crush" you have will be completely wiped out if you ever drive through Quebec. There they give up any pretense of being anything but French. I think they may even out-French France.

[wiseacres]

You need this shirt.

[drowninginkids]

NNNOOOOOO! You can't do this to my canada! We don't need to get beat up on. We're nice people. We have good beer - you must know about the beer?

Really, i'm kind of offended having my whole country, except jenb, taken out in one mighty blog post. I think we deserve an apology.

[sarah]

hi melissa!

i hate to say it but i have my own problems with canada....the thing that really bothered me when i was in europe was that every single canadian person i met (and i met quite a few) had a maple leaf flag, or pin, or patch, or SOMETHING so that they wouldn't be mistaken for an american. that really offended me. god forbid anyone would think you were *american*. sigh.

i do love their national anthem though.

[MelissaS]

Drowning in kids, I'm overstating the ridiculous for comedic effect.

How could I really hate Canada? Our gentle brother to the north? I do love your beer and we had a lovely vacation in Goderich once and I'm really only mad at the specific people who were unhelpful at the airport. That is all.

You can make fun of America all you want and I promise I won't be offended. You can spank Michigan if you'd like. I once hated Texas with a passion because it took away my favorite people. But then I made up with it.

[Marie Freeman]

Canada tried to keep me from returning home one time, but then I spoke to it in a really thick hillbilly accent and Canada got really scared and spewed me back to New York.

[MelanieinOrygun]

See? This, this right here, is why I'm skeered to travel. Because you have my exact same kind of luck when it comes to stuff like this, and I know already that I'd end up moldering in a Canadian jail or something.
Hysterical! You crack me up.

[coolbeans]

Canada loves me and has always been really good to me. Four or five of my 10 readers are Canadian.

So, anyway, I'm telling you a secret now. Someday I am going to BUY CANADA! Because I love it so much. Then I will own it (and its cat-owning men who have "roommates" and some French-speaking people which will be totally awesome!) and because I'm fond of you I will make Canada very Melissa-friendly.

[Mrs Ca]

I've only ever had those kind of problems in the Minneapolis Airport, like when they said they didn't have room on the airplane for my carry-on luggage, so they'd just put it underneath. What they didn't tell me was that I had to pick up my luggage at the next airport so that it would continue on with me instead of staying in Detroit. Bah! And then in Lansing, they didn't know what had happened to my luggage. They didn't have any record of it (of course because it wasn't checked in). After 30 minutes of fighting with the woman at the counter she promised to see what she could do, and then it showed up at 9 am the next morning. All that hassle for nothing!

[Lisa Boylan]

Ahhhhhhhhh Canada, our well-meaning sister to the north--I'm sorry she fagged out on you. But what do you expect from a bland nation with a smug, semi-socialistic health plan, national identity problems, language dualities, and an ever-present resentment of its saucy neighbor to the south, eh?

WELCOME HOME!!!!!!!!

[MelissaS]

That makes me want to take a huge chomp out of Minneapolis.

When you buy Canada will you put a welcome mat out in front so I know it's okay to come back?

[coolbeans]

Melissa, when I close the deal on Canada you'll know because I'm totally giving you the free pen the bank gives me when I buy stuff like houses and countries.

ALSO! First visitor to my site from my previous comment on this entry? A CANADIAN!

[quinn]

I've always wanted to visit Oh Canada, especially when I heard their strip clubs are far superior (i.e., far funkier and kinkier) than ours. Now I still want to visit the country, but I know to avoid Pearson Airport at all costs.

[marian]

Noooo. Now I'm scared. My baby boy is going to college in Canada in the fall... but then, he was going to go to school in Minneapolis, and changed his mind.

[Minerva X]

This IS shocking. I, too believed that Canada was special and that Canada would know what to do when I had some trouble. And I just floored that you experienced rudeness in Canada. Canada! Whither art thou, O Canada? That sounds like a nightmare! I hope you don't learn to be like me from it--I have plane ticket stubs from the early '90s. Just in case, you know.

I know you are unlike me in one crucial way: I ALWAYS want to bite people who annoy me. Biting is my first instinct way before punching or slapping. Try it some time! It's very satisfying.

[Peggasus]

Oh, Canada!

Three years ago we took a lovely vacation from the Chicago area to Nova Scotia. Lovely place, Nova Scotia. Air Canada lost my husband's luggage (and golf clubs) on the way there. They were delivered three days later. AND they 'lost' or 'gave away' our car rental, too. There is some weird holiday in early August, but excuse me, isn't that why we made a reservation months in advance? And no liquor sales at the state-run stores on Sundays? You're killing us here, Canada!

On the way back home, the plane was late, we missed our connecting flight, more luggage lost, dog already out of the kennel back home awaiting our return, no one there to watch her, and had to stay the night at a hotel in Toronto which they also totally screwed up the reservation for. And do they tell you that you have to pick up your luggage, go through customs and then check in AGAIN for your flight when you go from O'Hare to Canada? No, ma'am, they do not. Yet Air Canada will schedule that flight with only 30 minutes to spare. Gah.

And yet I still like Canada, because anywhere I can go and see men in kilts at a wedding reception and get scallops the size of golf balls is OK in my book. And the people really are very nice.

[Dorkette]

Ha! Hey, I don't have any digs on Canada (yet), but I can come up with PLENTY of things to address with our lovely states. Sometimes going to another state is like going to another planet, let alone another country. For one, I can't believe that some counties in some states still don't sell alcohol on Sundays! If I wanna show up at work hungover on Monday, that's my business!

[MelissaS]

Oh believe me, Philadelphia was on my shit list for quite a while. It's stupid special store for buying alcohol...making me drive to store after store looking for beer.

I don't think we've spoken since come to think of it.

[Meg]

Good heavens. Well. I live on the other end of Canada, and while we have French signs galore, 51% or more of our population around here speaks an Asian language -- Mandarin, Japanese, Tagalog, etc -- as their second or first tongue. I took French in school, and know enough to figure out the signs, but honestly? I don't even notice it. And my dad, who is Francophobic (except for the Fries) doesn't either.

Our airport DOES have wireless internet everywhere, and while we still might lose your luggage, we also offer coffee shops every five or so steps, just so you can get really caffeinated and agitated while you wait.

But you know what? The problem is that you were in Toronto, and everyone in Toronto thinks that the sun orbits around them, when really, it just shines more brightly on us in the West (like JenB and I -- except she gets snow and I don't.)

I say, Blame Canada all you like. Because what I really hear is "Blame Toronto."

And that's fine with me:).

[jenB]

it really is unreasonable of you to expect anyone to be as nice as me. :-)

in my part O' the country, we can get liquor pretty much anytime of the day or night. your mileage may vary by province.

i am also pro Blame Toronto.

and this was a tres amusement post.

[Carabeth]

If I may add my 2 cents, (as a Canadian), I have never heard a happy story that involves Air Canada in any way. Everybody up here knows that they have bad customer service. Sorry that you had to endure 4.5 hours of it (plus the time to recover from it!)

[christina]

I think it's airports in general that suck. I've had horrible things happen to me at Oakland and LAX, so horrible I won't even go into them.

[Lala]

Many Canadians hate Pearson too. It's scary and ugly. There's no reason for you to get crappy customer service though. I apologize on behalf of Toronto. I can't believe I just typed that out, uggh.
To Sarah who thinks that somehow a maple leaf on my luggage is an affront - I'm representing my country, It's got nothing to do with not wanting to be American. Forgive me but that seems just a tad egocentric of you.

[sarah]

i don't think you're egocentric - the people i ran into actually told me they did not want to be mistaken for americans.

[Jane-Marie]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. But yes, Toronto Airport is a vortex of inefficiency.

My husband and I were flying to Boston from Vancouver (yay the west) to take a cruise out of Boston down to the Caribbean. Unfortunately, we had to go through Toronto and change planes. As we were changing planes, we noticed that ALL FLIGHTS TO BOSTON ARE CANCELLED. Apparently the radar was down, people had been stranded for up to 48 hours and our SHIP WAS LEAVING THE NEXT EVENING. Mad scramble at the Air Canada desk, closest airport available is New fucking York. Get on the next flight to NY, they had engine problems, so got off that flight, got back on the next one...but not our luggage oh no! That came an hour later after we'd landed in New York. Rented a car a La Guardia, DROVE 4 FREAKING hours in the pissing rain to Boston. Arrived Boston hotel at 2 AM. Crashed out and woke up to a lovely wake up call at 7 AM - oh, sorry room mix up, you're not supposed to get a wake up call. Got on board the ship at 3 PM, sailed through 75 mile an hour winds down to the sun....sigh!!!! Relaxed for 10 days in the Caribbean.

[Jane-Marie]

Long live the Maple Leaf!

[Wendy Mac]

I think it is the joy of travelling.

It always seems that on at least one leg of my trip I have to encounter people who aren't willing to help you when you have a problem.

Aloha Airlines- the folks who routed my baggage from maui to another island instead of back to california.

No phone calls, personal visits, or anything would get an Aloha Airlines rep to talk to me!

Once I readied my claim form (read: costing them a lot of money to replace!) and speaking with Corporate Aloha Airlines I got a call, "Oh lookit, we found your bag!"

That was a looong 3 days. I'm just glad it was on the way home!

(And yes, I am sorry for you Melissa, all of these comments will have our horrible travel stories... :-)

[Marie Freeman]

Ok, so I should have added that New York didn't like me either...
And, that I have enjoyed all the folks I've ever met from Canada, especially those from Montreal. I speak bastard french and the hot men on the beaches of Ft. Lauderdale in the 1980's dug that about me. Then.

[Lin]

I'll preface this very short diatribe with the interesting fact that I actually have never met a Canadian SOCIALLY who I didn't want to adopt. BUT...

Vancouver Airport...Immigration...little, young, officious, red-haired asshole who said to my husband in June when he was there on business (and I was tagging along), "Are you taking a job from a Canadian?" My very reasonable husband wanted to say a simple no, but since I was with him I jumped in way too quickly and said, "What? Now how in the hell would we know whether or not there's a Canadian who could fill this job? That's just a ridiculous question."

That very powerful little moron kept us in immigration for close to two hours and whenever my husband is in Vancouver on biz, every other month, Immigration manages to delay him for about an hour each time.

There was a reason South Park's "Blame Canada" won an Oscar.

P.S. I really do love Canada once I'm out of their wretched airports.

[spondmom]

I had almost the exact same experience as Peggasus, except we actually missed our flight. Then the had the nerve to chastise us for not giving ourselves more time between flights when THEY scheduled our itinerary. And I think we spoke to the same hairy, fanged, well-groomed, gay man you did. Also, the womam at the ticket counter was EXTREMELY rude and when I asked for her name she said they don't give out their names, first or last, for safety reasons. WTF!? ( I was therefore forced to describe her in unflattering terms in my complaint letter) The best part was when we finally (the next day) boarded a flight, there were commercials for Air Canada during the in-flight progamming apologizing for its poor service. I suppose at the very least they'll admit there's a prolem. I can't imagine an American company doing the same.

However, once we got to our destination the people were as nice as the stereotype. You just have to make it out of the ariport to enjoy Canada.

[Jessica Bauer]

Hello! Just found your site and found your "about" page hysterical. My four year old had a tick a few years back, and it still haunts the whole family. Bugs and little girls just don't mix.

[Andrea In Japan]

I have exactly the same hae for Seattle airport!! stup airport!!! Everytime I fly to Vancouver now I avoid Seattle like a plague!!
grrr

[Ms Sisyphus]

Gosh I'm sorry Melissa. My one and only experience in Pearson was a good one, but I think it's because I was NOT flying Air Cananda (most Canadians know not to do this) and I was a young woman with a very small toddler and what looked to be a hyperactive toddler in tow. Thye couldn't have been more helpful. Let me board without proper id. Expressed us to the terminal. Tracked down a cart to haul our luggage to the airbus home at 3 am. They were wonderful.

And Sarah, what exactly is your problem? If those backpackers had been sporting American flags would you have ever even questioned it? New Flash: Americans aren't the only ones with a sense of national pride. Plus, you've heard about the phenomenon of *American* backpackers posing as Canadians in Europe, right? Apparently they don't want to be mistaken as themselves either. Something about the poor impression you guys leave when you travel, and how well Canadians are treated in Europe.

[Nichole]

I try to be a nice person, a person who doesn't laugh at others' pain. But when you phrase it like this:
"I wanted to bite that man. I wanted to bite him right through his bones and when he asked me to stop I wanted to say, 'Oh no. No nononononono I can't do that for you! No. No. No.' "
O Canada, I just can't stop the giggling.

[sarah]

sigh again.

i have never been treated poorly in europe. it is my belief that when visiting another county, you must a) be polite b) learn basic phrases in the language of the country you are visiting and c) have respect for and be aware of local customs. no matter what nationality you are, if you do this, i think you will have a good experience. and yes, i have heard of americans posing as canadians and i think that's lame and unnecessary. you won't be treated poorly if you have common courtesy and do some research before you travel.

thanks for the news flash, but this was not about national pride, at least that's not the impression i got from the people i talked to. i noticed all the canadians because out of everyone i met from many different countries, they were the only ones sporting their national flag. it made me wonder, hmm, that's interesting, i wonder why that is. my *problem* was that when i asked about it, i was told, we wear this flag because we don't want to be mistaken for americans, because americans are (insert america bashing here), ha-ha, isn't it funny how you americans suck. so, i retract my statement that i have a problem with canada. instead, i have a problem with the ten or so candians i met in europe who told me my country sucked right to my face and thought it was perfectly acceptable.

[FlippyO]

I'm an American and I wear Canadian apparel as much as possible (okay, some of it is Leafs apparel & some of it is bought by my Canadian in-laws) so no one thinks I'm American. Hey, who wouldn't want to be from a kinder gentler (non-Bush) nation? My gawd, even their icky bad guy (Stephen Harper) is like a kitten compared to our icky bad guys.

As a former airline employee, know that most of those people aren't making much money (but oh, the flight benefits...), so they're often angry & bitter when faced with the public. I worked in a call center with over 400 employees - only a quarter of them were nice & competent. If there's a next time, trying calling (even when you're at the airport), as it's easier to hang up on lousy employees in order to get a good one. Good ones can sometimes put something in your record in order to smoothe things over with employees at the airport. Anyway, doesn't hurt to try.

[Politically Incorrect Mom]

Funny Melissa! I guess even Canadians get crabby once in a while.

[Renee Dodd]

And all this time, I thought the main difference between the US and Canada was that they have more European-style clubs with cutting edge dance music and excellent tapas, while we have more Sports bars with wall to wall flat screen TVs and excellent Buffalo wings.

[Flydaddy]

Don't sweat the 'small' plane aspect next time, if you can help it. We regional pilots are very highly trained, and our planes are newer, on average, than those larger airliners.
And, while I'm at it, please don't ever get annoyed with the crew when you are delayed by a mechanical discrapancy- they are looking out for YOUR safety! Not that you did or would, but many do, without really thinking about it.
Sure glad the rest of the trip went well.

Now, what about the elephant in the room...did you 'take the pot'? (wish I could remember which movie that paraphrase is from).

[ChristyD]

The Pearson experience sounds hellish, but I'm so desperate to travel that it STILL makes me want to go to an airport and fly away. Thanks for telling us a great story.

[Kim E]

Don't take it too personally, Melissa - Air Canada hates everyone equally. Take it from this Canadian girl, avoid them at all costs.

[jem]

Yikes, I know you are joking, but us Canadians are a patriotic bunch too. I must admit I am slightly offended, mostly because you are counting Torontonians as Canadians. Everyone knows that Torontonians don't count as Canadians, they are more like Americans!! Hee hee.

[Mindola]

Too bad you didn't end up in Winnipeg for your flight out. We just use that time as another excuse to get drunk.
And although it has been said before, I must repeat: "Toronto is evil". http://winsun.canoe.ca/News/Columnists/MacFarlane_Gord/2006/03/06/1474693.html

[mellly]

Hmmmnn. I'm Canadian and proud of it. Melissa don't take your experience at Pearson airport personally. I've traveled the world over several times and know that airports are notorious for giving travelers a hard time. Airports are a breed unto themselves not indicative of the particular counties citizens at all.

[Cinders]

I guess I shouldn't have read this just as I'm about to board a plane from Orlando to Toronto? It's true! I tried to use my laptop in Toronto on the way down and the wireless didn't work - even though it said it was a hotspot! Stupid lying signs....

I'm not looking forward to the nightmare of arriving at 1:30 am with three little kids in tow. Especially since it's going to be so damn cold.

By the way, you would have had a much better time if you accepted the subtle overtures of your Canadian fans and let us buy you a beer. At least we could have trained you how to read bi-lingual signs!

[Angela]

I love Canada!!! I do have to say their random "This road that was a two way 5 seconds ago is now a ONE WAY" is not my most favorite, but other than their "rules of the road" I LOVE CANADA!!! If you are a hot, young single American girl go to Canada. It is my experience that young, hot Canadian Boys will through themselves at you because they want citizenship in America where they THINK they can make more money and you will have mind blowing sex with said Hot Canadian Boy!! Goooo Canada!!

[jt]

Once, at the British Museum as a kid, to escape getting our asses kicked by a group of English kids who despised Americans we claimed we were Canadian. God bless the Canadians. Canada is like oatmeal- substantional yet non-offensive. (I'm sure I will be flamed to hell by Canadians everywhere).

On the otherhand- KLM sucks giant donkey dicks in my opinion. I had a horrific experience with them on my way to Amsterdam no less, which resulted in my friend not being able to board the flight with me and having to meet me the next day, all due to their utter stupidity. I also hate Northwest Airlines with a passion but that's an entirely different subject....

[Carson]

I know Melissa was just kidding about Canada but you Western Canadians with the Toronto bashing - sheesh - isn't that getting a little tired?

I live just outside of Toronto and was born in a city that got swallowed up by Toronto the "Mega City" and really it isn't that bad a place. It's liberal, culturally and ethnically diverse, great restaurants, good schools... The weather kind of stinks but at least there were no Harper Tories elected in Toronto - you can't say that out west now can you? hee hee

I haven't had a problem with Pearson Airport but I usually take cheap charter flights not Air Canada but nonetheless I do apologize on behalf of Canada and Toronto for the poor service and the rudeness... very un-Canadian.

[bluepaolo]

I sent a link of your post to a friend of mine who works at the Canadian Consulate in San Francisco - for the record, his response (I'm sorry about getting you on to THE LIST):

"The moral of the story: avoid Pearson Airport at all costs, esp. if you're doing anything that involves crossing the Canada-US border. They have you going from one terminal to the other and they're about as
distant as SF and Sacto. It sucks. Totally. And I've been subjected to the tender mercies -- and misplaced luggage gimmicks -- of Monopoly Air, huh, Air Canada, while going through YYZ, so I know whereof I speak.

Thanks for pointing that blog out! I will file that writer under 'hateful Americans', though, and the day we invade, she better watch out. Rock-breaking work somewhere around Whitehorse sounds appropriate.

Cheers!"

[lindsayc]

so damn funny! am a west coast canadian with a lot of family in toronto. and have flown into and out of Pearson more times than I would like to admit. but I totally apologize for the rudeness, that is just mean.

[Jazz]

Just had to have a look, I'm in the middle of reading ou in This Day in the Life and googled you.

Regarding Pearson: I'm Canadian (from Montreal) and I can confirm that even airline employees hate Pearson and everyone populating it. There is a special place in hell for the people from Pearson.

[MelissaS]

BluePaolo: Now Canada is threatening me with prison camp?

Oh Canada. I don't even know you anymore.

[EyeDigress]

Show of hands...who has had a great experience in any airport, anywhere? Some of the rudest people are the ones working behind the counter at my airport, one of the busiest in the US.

I am Canadian but hold both a Canadian and US Passport. I always get requests to bring back small iron on Canadian Flag patches for friends for when they travel overseas. Not to mention the candy bars, Kraft Dinner, Neo-Citron, Buckley's and HP Sauce...Did I mention the White Spot Legendary Triple-O burger?

Melissa, connect through Vancouver next time.

[MelissaS]

I have actually never had a horrid experience in any airport. Admittedly I only fly 2-3 times a year but still.

My flight arrangments were made for me and since I'm from Detroit and was travelling to Amsterdam? Vancouver would have been a wee bit out of my way.

[EyeDigress]

I suppose I just hate airports since all my family is back in Canada, and I am in them far too often. Many times it is around a major Holiday when people seem to be their "happiest".

Yeah a little out of the way to head to Vancouver, but the YVR magazine shops, they will give you change in either American or Canadian $.

[marnie]

I know this is an old post, but it is linked from a new post. I felt it necessary to comment:

Dear Melissa,

I'm sorry.

Signed,
Canada