Hooray! My favorite topic....being fat!

Well Jesus, this has gotten into my bones. (For this post, which is being frantically written before playgroup, to make sense you have to read this.)

I've talked about my weight before and it continues to be an issue. I'm working out and trying to make some subtle changes but the thought of obsessing over my body is just, not working for me. Instead I"m obsessing over how disgusted I am with myself, so that's incredibly productive.

So I read the piece at Morphing into Mama and I went and read this piece as well. Logan and I have had several of these types of 'Don't you love me enough to be your best physically?' conversations and I hate them.

It's sort of ironic because Logan's weight loss and obsession with his appearance and also his obsession with mine has made me less attracted to him frankly. So we're in the same boat I guess. Was it false advertising that he wasn't metrosexual when we met and now is? That he wasn't so superficial then but is now?

I've lost my ability to be cohesive, it's this that's sucked me dry.

I didn't weigh 110 pounds on my wedding day because I was trying to lure a man in. I dated a total of 3 people before Logan, I wasn't exactly luring anyone in. I was an insecure girl, recovering from an eating disorder, who honestly wasn't all that hungry most of the time.

I worked about as hard at being 110 pounds as I do at being the massive weight I am now. I didn't give it a whole lot of thought by the time I met Logan. Yes, I worried in the back of my head what would happen as I got older. But I didn't count calories and I didn't spend hours at the gym and I ate McDonald's in my car every day on my 50 mile commute.

I know why I've gained this weight and it's not because I disrespect myself. For all the self loathing I'm filled with, I like myself a whole lot more than I did at 20.

I gained all this weight because I care about working out and limiting my eating (and more importantly drinking) habits about as much as I did when I weighed 110 pounds. Which is: not all that much.

What's changed? Not my desire to be attractive. In fact nothing has changed except my time is no longer my own, my metabolism has changed over time and I have not changed all that much to compensate for those things.

I was lazy then and I'm lazy now. My body was able to compensate for that laziness when I was young, now I'm older and my body grew fat cells while I was pregnant it's just more than happy to refill.

I just wanted to be then and I just want to be now. Only now just being means being unhappy with my appearance. It has nothing at all to do with what I was willing to give my husband before and what I'm willing to give him now.

The weight is hard enough for me to process alone, much less with the guilt factor heaped on top of it. Yes my husband married me when I was 110 pounds. He also married me before I had kids and before I was 30 and before a lot of other things happened to both of us. What's especially amusing is if you asked my husband if he'd want me to be the same person I was at 110 pounds I have no doubt he would say no. He loves the person I am now far more. Because I know who I am more, I have less insecurities (which I know is impossible for you to believe Internet...I know!) and I am more sure of who I am and where I fit in this world. I wish I could have it all but I'm finding it hard to believe I could be that thin (and do all the work being that thin would now require of me) and who I am now.

I have more to say about this but I can't right now I have to go.

[It's important to note: at the end of this post I acknowledged that Logan had apologized and admitted that his issue with my weight was more his than mine. I didn't bring it up because of Logan (who has said next to nothing about my weight since that September debacle.]

Comments

[Becky]

Wow.

I don't think I could ever view the weight I've picked up as a result of 3 pregnancies as being unfair to my husband. Fortunately, he doesn't see it that way either so it's not a concern for me, but....wow.

I'm having trouble putting my thoughts together here, but I don't believe that on my wedding day I thought I was committing to being the exact person that stood there that day for the rest of our life together. I wasn't expecting him to be the same either. People change both physically and emotionally, and I thought the "for better or for worse" covered things like balding and weight gain.

[chris]

I read that post also and felt the same way. I weighed 94 lbs when I married my husband. I will never ever be that again. No where close in fact.

My metabolism has changed, I've been pregnant a few times, and I loathe exercise. I do it anyway, but it is torture.

The thing that gets me now though, is that as someone who struggled with an eating disorder, I was never happy with my body even when I was rail thin. I wish I had realized that was as good as it was ever going to get and been happy with it. So not liking my body is nothing new here.

And my husband he had lots of thick long hair twelve years ago. He has a greater chance of growing back his balding head than I have being size 0 again.

[Amber]

This notion of "false advertising" makes me want to vomit the very tasty rice pilaf I've just eaten.

It's based on the premise of winning a trophy-wife-as-display-object. Marriage is a relationship, not a purchase. Relationships involve PEOPLE. People change. None of us is the same person we were ten years ago, physically, mentally or experience-wise. Wait til 20 more years goes by and neither of you resemble the person you were when you got married (even Pants! I mean look, don't you miss the toenails he had when you got married?! Why couldn't he stay his physical best for you?!) Time ages people, physiques change. It's not an option.

Why is it acceptable for a person's beliefs, history and opinions to change, but their body is expected to always stay 23, young and thin? It doesn't even make sense.

I know this particular post wasn't sparked by Logan but by that other post, but having suffered from an eating disorder myself, I know and YOU know how damaging remarks about weight, body image, guilt, etc. can be, but maybe he doesn't. Knock some sense into him, or send him over here and I'll do it for you. That shit's not acceptable.

Perhaps one day he could try doing the 30 things you need to do before he even gets a chance to THINK about his body for the day, and then see if he wants to spend even a second of his downtime working out or thinking about how many calories are in a bagel. I bet instead he'll probably choose to do something more important, like take a dump.

[Midlife Mommy]

That's EXACTLY how I feel and couldn't have said it better.

[wordnerd]

Wow, I guess I come to this from a different side of the spectrum. I'm a bigger girl and always have been. When I met my husband, 7years ago, I was a size 16, I now wear an 18. It's not like I have 'all of a sudden' became supersized. It's always been that way. I have always been a plus-sized girl. SO maybe, in one respect, I can't completely relate.

But I do know that despite wishing I was a bit healthier, and a bit leaner (which I am always working on, of course, for health reasons), I generally have learnt (over the past several years) to like my body. I see skinny girls all the time, not all of them are well proportionned. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. Mine has good things and bad things. I am also reminded that there are so MANY reasons behind one's size and shape...one of those can be illness. I would never want to be skinny because of illness.

Yea, I'd love to be a size 8. Yea, I suffer from some low moments (we all do) but every time I let myself go there I remind myself that even if I lose 40lbs that nothing will ever be enough...because I will NEVER look like the women in magazines. Never. Period. So why focus on a number....or an 'ideal'....when I should be focusing on my health..so that I can be the best wife possible.

Erik didn't marry someone from a magazine. He married ME, in a size 18 dress. That will simply have to be enough. I promised to be a good wife and to be true to the both of us. If that's not enough, then he's not someone I want to grow old with. Life is hard enough without adding a husband's issues about weight onto my psyche.

Sorry you are struggling with this Melissa. I can only imagine how hard it is. I have had some hard moments but so far I've been able to snap out of them. I understand that not everyone is fortunate enough to do this.

I know this is of little consolation but you are one of the most beautiful people I have come accross in the blogosphere both inside about out. The whole Summers clan is lucky to have you.

[Meg]

Hmmm.

I once was involved with a guy who didn't like the way I looked. He thought I was fat and unattractive, but he liked my personality, and thought I could change. I have no idea why in the hell I went along with this, other than that he was confirming for me what I already thought of myself. So it had to be true, right?

After yo-yo dieting, getting highlights (he preferred blondes), growing my hair long (he preferred long hair), and refusing a check he offered to give me to lose weight (yes, I know, I know... what the hell?), I eventually was ditched for a cute blonde with long hair who was very much in shape.

My self esteem was an absolute crapshoot at that point, and I'm embarassed to say that I tortured myself over his inability to accept me. But I eventually got over it, and am working on looking at myself as a non-mutant.

(His wife cut off all her hair and gained weight once they got married, just for the record...)

Now, this is my view: if you are physically healthy, if you value your own appearance and body in and of yourself, if you aren't self-destructing in some way, if you are showing kindness to others and doing something worthwhile with your time, your beauty shouldn't really ever be an issue. You are your best you, and that's all someone can ask you to be. I understand that people get taken aback when their partners change after they marry, but unless it's into Satan, you need to deal.

That's what I think, having been involved with Change And I Will Love You Guy.

[Bella]

The original MIM post bugged the crap out of me, too. Actually, I think Citymama (http://citymama.typepad.com/citymama/2006/03/weighty_issues.html) put it best when she said, "Maybe it's not just about false advertising. Maybe it's about having (and choosing for a life partner) a quality product to begin with."

[Monica]

I really really want to thank you for taking this on. I read that post and was flabbergasted. Not only by the post itself, but by the comments wholeheartedly agreeing with it. I'm not fat, per se, but I am not the same size as I was when I got married. But I've had two kids, and I'll be damned if I let some half-assed concept of what is physically "acceptable" make me feel like less of a person. I GAVE BIRTH (twice!), so my body has completely and utterly validated itself. I give it a pass in perpetuity. It is beautiful, and strong, and it's doing what it's supposed to be doing at 37 years of age. I abused it with bulimia, drugs, and general mismanagement for years. I thank it for taking me this far anyway, and popping out two lovely children to boot! So to think that now I have to somehow hate it a little (or a lot) because it isn't what it was on the day I got married? That pisses me off. Why attack women this way? Why prey on their deepest fears and insecurities? Why doesn't society loathe superficial women instead? I worry much more about the ladies who feel they have to sacrifice and deprive themselves to fit in with some societal standard of beauty to keep their husbands (and society!) happy. For me, I can either "work on" my weight and general appearance, or focus on the really important stuff. I don't have time for both. Regardless, my husband loves me UNCONDITIONALLY. And I feel true pity for women who never experience that.

[Abbey]

Amber has really hit the nail on the head! How in the world could anyone expect their partner to never/barely change physically as they grow old together. Everyone changes. Period. And it is more than sad if people cannot accept that when they get married.

Is it just me or is it mostly men concerned with the appearance of their wives? I've rarely met a woman who is so upset with their husband's weight gain/lack of hair/etc. I used to live in a town of Trophy wives and never once saw a Trophy husband.

We are not supposed to have the bodies of a 16 year old child for the rest of our lives. Men don't have the body of 16 year old boys. Why are WE expected to look like perfection when they are not? This just infuriates me!

[jbeeky]

Isn't there an inherent process during a lifetime together were healthy couples value the inside more than the outside? It seems natural since aging eventually will take its toll on the physical that partners naturally take the path of valuing the person, not the physique? How old is MIM? This sounds like something I said with smug certainty in my classes in counseling. Life hopefully slaps you around enough to realize that the qualities you look for need to stand the test of time. Since I have been married my husband has been diagnosed with psoriasis, have gained aobut 15 pounds, is going bald and still dresses like Screech from Saved By the Bell. But he is funny, loyal, smart, loving and has stayed by my side in many of my less stellar moments as a human being. We love each other more because we each have faults. Okay, I am going to go embroider this on a pillow and go throw up now......
By the way, in case your wondering I of course look EXACTLY the same way I did 10 years ago. With photoshop.

[foodmomiac]

Wow, this is hard to wrap my hands around. DH and I are currently separated with plans to get back together. Whenever we discuss our problems, his biggest problem with me is that I'm not in shape. My biggest problem with him is his anger management issues (or lack therof).

I am not overweight. I'm just not fit. And, I can understand why he'd want me to be fit. It turns him on and it's just more healthy. I think his comments would bother me more if it were a one-way street. If I couldn't share my issues with him, I'd be way more peeved. But, as long as I can tell him that he needs to go into therapy, it's ok for him to tell me that I should start going to the gym.

Hope this made sense - as I said, it's hard to wrap my hands around this issue.

[Sarcomical]

oh my, you have a freakishly amazing way to describe things EXACTLY as they are, in a way people can relate to.

i love what you said about how what and who you are has nothing to do with your effort toward what you have to offer logan now. there is so much incredible truth to that statement. good lord.

can't wait to see what else you have to say. hope you're not feeling down on yourself for ANY of this stuff today. *hug*

[chirky]

Oh, God. Hello. Are you me? Are we the same person? Are we married to the same man? Because I think so.

[VictoriaCRL]

I'm only 20, and I know nothing about marriage. So, I suppose my comments ought to be taken with a grain of salt. But for some reason I was compelled to comment. There are no guarantees. Isn't that why getting married is something of a leap of faith? Isn't the hope that this person standing next to you in his tux will change with you and not against you? I don’t think the hope or expectation has ever been that a spouse won't change at all. Life happens, and one of the consequences is change--physical and emotional. Sometimes, hell, a lot of the times, these inevitable changes are for the better!
I think people owe it to their spouses to love them, to work hard at the marriage and to remember to try and make their spouses feel appreciated: catching baby vomit with your bare hands, calling the plumber when the only toilet in the house decides to suddenly not work anymore, stretching the monthly take home to pay for health insurance, milk and new underwear because the ones you’ve had since college have holes in them and the elastic is shot to hell—these are all thankless tasks that couples juggles every day, and I think husbands and wives need to be reminded that they aren’t doing this alone, that their partner notices and cares and appreciates all that they do. These are the things couples owe each other. These are the things they sign up for when they say “I do”.
But do you owe it to your husband to freeze in time? To forever remain the grinning naive girl you were in white on your wedding day? I don't think so. Melissa, I think you said it best when you said that Logan loves the person you have become far more than the person you were the day you got married. Someday, assuming I do get married and that my marriage lasts, I hope my husband feels the same way. We are all a work in progress. We're supposed to be getting better as we age, as our wealth of experience and knowledge widens and deepens, as we (hopefully) attain wisdom and self-acceptance. I think there is a reason that most women in their 40s and 50s say they would never want to go back to being in their 20s or 30s again. Maybe people do lose their figures as they age and maybe they do lose the tight skin around their eyes. But it's a trade off, and I think what you get in return is far greater than the size four you sacrifice.

[wordnerd]

And the prize so far..for most profound words and best take on marriage....at least in my opinion...goes to the babe...VictorialCRL, who, at 20 years old, seems to have found the perfect words to describe what at least, I, think a marriage should be.

thanks VictoriaCRL!

HAHAH, Melissa....popular post...sorry for the 2nd comment today. Couldn't resist.

[dutch]

a little known secret about men is that they can be incredibly insecure about their bodies too. while they are certainly not subject to the same bombardment of cultural images of a physical ideal that women are, such insecurities are not confined to women. sometimes men are scared of skinny girls, because they represent an impossible ideal.

another common platitude that you will hear from most guys is that sexually they don't like "bony" girls, and that "a little something to grab onto is nice." I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard that in the presence of other men.

basically, what men think is sexy or attractive based on what hollywood and madison avenue tell them to think is sexy isn't always what they actually think is sexy under the sheets. some of the sexiest women I have known haven't looked like that purported "ideal" but instead had a true understanding of how to manipulate men's true insecurities and desires. I'm sure that there are plenty of proud fat girls out there who know exactly what I'm talking about.

Physical attraction is a funny thing. A wife who knows how to make her husband feel sexy and secure in himself and who enjoys her own body and understands her own body is always going to be sexier than a wife who is so painfully insecure about her weight or whether her husband finds her attractive that she becomes an object rather than a person, a trophy rather than a partner, something to "show off" rather than to share the beauty and raw pleasure of uninhibited raucous, loving sex.

My problem with the "false advertising" theory (and this isn't MIM's fault: she didn't come up with this alone), is that it buys too much into the socially-constructed idea of beauty, that skinny is sexy and that not skinny is not. That looking young is sexy and aging is not. It ignores so many of the possibilities of long-term intimacy and attraction. Under this theory, the wife's appearance becomes the pretext for all of the husband's attraction. The men who buy into this theory aren't as concerned about the ass their hands cups during sex (see the platitude above) as they are about the ass that their friends and strangers will see when they take their wives out in public. And that's bullshit. That's fucking textbook superficiality and letting external forces define what you think is attractive. I know on my blog I come off pretty anti pop culture and anti advertising but there's a reason for that: these things hurt people. They make women think that it is wrong to age naturally. The entire industry is poised to make you think you need to trade in your life every 2-3 years just like you would trade in a used car. Well, making the analogy of a marriage to something that involves "false advertising" just makes me really sad. My wife didn't have to sell herself to me.

The bottom line is this: Logan certainly does love you more now than on the day you were married no matter that you might have put on a few, because you have grown together emotionally and grown up together physically. And I think I understand why Logan would feel so strongly, Melissa. When I met you I could have made all kinds of superficial judgments, "oh she doesn't have the same body as angelina jolie" or "whoa she has a crazy midwestern accent" and if I had just seen you on the street maybe I would have. But there's a reason such judgments are called superficial and why superficiality is never viewed as a good thing. Christ woman, in person you are intoxicating. Not just intoxicated.

[Mrs X]

From Wordnerd: because I will NEVER look like the women in magazines.

The women in those magazines don't look like that either!

I guess it would be nice to have the same ass I had when I was 20- so long as it didn't come with all the same hang-ups I had then.
I'm more concerned with the example I set for my daughter. I work out and eat well in hopes that someday my body will resemble the one I had before I had kids. But I always wonder how she feels about it.
To her I'm the most beautiful person in the world. So what does it say to her if I go around trashing myself all the time? What does it say to her if she hears my husband wishing for my old body?

He didn't marry me at 25 expecting me to always be 25 and the size that I was. If he did, he's a damn fool.
I'm finding it hard to believe that Logan thought that either.
And at 5'6", 140? That is a perfectly healthy, and respectable weight. I don't think that's anywhere near fat.

[lizzieclaire]

Delurking to say, I love your writing. You come across as smart, funny & kind and I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. It is very frustrating and especially painful when the person causing you the most pain - besides yourself - is the person who is basically contractually obligated to be loving and accepting of you. I think the whole "false advertising" concept is a load of bull - we are people, not items for sale.
I hope you & Logan find a way to work through this, whether or not that way involves sending your husband to some kind of compassion boot camp.

[L.]

I`m going to have to start reading your blog regularly, because your linking to my weight post almost caused my sitemeter to spontaneously combust.

[jennster]

weight is such a shitty issue for women. and it's not even close to as difficult for men. it's not fair that our metabolism slows down by like 50% and theirs doesn't (i read that somewhere once, or i'm completely making it up) and the fact that our bodies completely change after birthing. as if it wasn't enough to have no control over how large you were getting during that experience!
you know what i love though? i love that you said you're the same way you've always been. and that what you've done before is what you're doing now- because that is the most perfect example of how dramatically our metabolism and shit DOES change, just simply- from getting older.
i heart your blog. other ones suck. but yours doesn't. lol

[drowninginkids]

I can't believe how much that post at MiM bothered me. I've been stewing all morning and almost wish i didn't read it. I especially wish you didn't read it Melissa because it's just wrong and you don't deserve to be tortured by it.

The logic is completely flawed. If your child doesn't turn out like the child you and your husband envisioned does that make it okay not to love them?

I know that's quite a leap. But, the shallow nature of the "false advertising" claim blows my mind. I can't believe that such insecurity in oneself would lead a person to believe they owed another person beauty.

Beauty is more than skin deep. Cliche but true.

[finnmichigan]

Melissa, I would stand up to give up a huge ovation, but that would cause me to have to re-adjust my too-tight size 12 jeans so that my post-baby love handles aren't oozing over the top (the baby is 18 mos. but cut me some slack!). And I know you would proudly bow and accept the applause if it weren't for the fact that your underpants would show as you bent over - damn the lowrise!!!
I hope someday I run into you in RO so I can buy you a full bodied beer to thank you for your insightful comments and for sharing your beautiful soul.

[gretchen]

I don't know how much I weighed on my wedding day. The number that sticks in my head is my weight on the day of my first OB appointment with my first pregnancy (7 years ago). I weigh about 20-25 lbs more than that now. I'm not really happy with it, but I'm resigned to it for right now.

I've had 2 babies since then and am trying to be the best mom I can for them while also working fulltime. My time and energy are not my own anymore. That's how it is. I can be lazy, yes. And I like to eat goodies. I want to exercise (in theory). But if I don't have enough hours in the day, exercise will be the first thing to go.

Moms have enough responsibilities and enough guilt. We don't need to worry about remaining perpetually 27 years old. Who knows? Maybe someday I'll look even better than I did on my wedding day. But I'll do that for me- not for anyone else.

[Renee Dodd]

My mother, my sister, me and pretty much every woman I know gets more and more remarkable with each year that passes, and to experience and learn and share all these things that make them so remarkable takes a lot of time and energy, and so not one of us maintains a magazine perfect figure. I can tell that you are also one of those remarkable women, Melissa, and if all of us remarkable women were to start severely dieting, working out with personal trainers, and whittling away at our flesh until we fit into the tee-niny designer size fours, I'd wager we'd start losing our sparkle and stop experiencing and learning and sharing in the way that great women do. It'd be hard to find the time and energy in between pilates, the half-marathon, and the cabbage soup diet gassiness. (Am I the only one who tried that one? Awful!)

I worry about my weight (I had the old eating disorder too as a teen)-- I can't help it. But I've noticed that the less I worry about it (and the less others worry me about it) the healthier and happier I am. I wish you the best in dealing with the trials and tribulations of loving a newly converted metrosexual. Thanks for sharing on your blog--as you can tell, most of us can relate!

[Christine]

Exactly! This whole "false advertising" explanation is complete bullshit. When I married my husband 8 years ago he was thinner. He was also younger. He's now older, has more wrinkles, some grey hair and a bigger belly. I couldn't care less.

In fact I love him more today then I did when we married. We've grown closer because we respect each other. We communicate our needs. We cuddle. We learned to love the things that drive the other crazy.

The 40 to 50 pounds he has gained since we married does not make him less attractive to me. I am attracted to him because he is a great husband and a great father. Because he knows how to treat me right and make me feel special.

Do I worry about his health? Heck yes. I'm his wife. I want him to be healthy. I worry about my kids' health too. I'm a woman. Women worry. But me nagging him about his weight because he's not as thin as he was when we married isn't going to help matters. He knows he's gained weight. He doesn't need me to tell him that. I don't say, "I've noticed you've gained some weight. Is something wrong?" If your spouse has to gain 50 pounds before you realize he/she is depressed then you aren't exactly plugged in to that relationship.

I agree. It's good to be health conscious and promote healthy lifestyles. Cook nutritious meals. Plan activities that get your family moving. But it's ridiculous to assume your spouse should maintain his/her look from the beginning of your marriage. I didn't get married because he had a pretty face or six pack abs. I got married because I loved who he is, not what he looks like.

[Flydaddy]

I can see what all the hubub is about regarding the MIM post, but...if you read her post carefully, I think what she is saying is just that if her husband knew her previous to marriage as a person who was healthily thin, and then saw her gain lots of weight later, she would expect him to check-in to find out if the weight gain was a symptom of something else, as it so often is. My wife and I do not hassle each other about our weight, but we do help each other watch our health. Try to read her post without a preconception that she is saying 'women must stay thin for their men.'
Regardless of all of that, I really admire Ms. Summers' courage in publicly dealing with her struggles with body-image.

Just wondering, by the way, if Logan still gets Playboy...

[spondmom]

Thank you for such a thoughtful and honest response to the MIM post (especially since she closed the comments). Every marriage is different. While I can't imagine my husband complaining about my weight gain (about 40 pounds since we met), I know it would be an issue in some relationships. However, The real problem I see with MIM's post is her equating weight with self-respect:

“That’s really superficial,” quipped the woman sitting across from me.

“Is it? Don’t you find people more attractive when they exhibit self-respect?” I asked.

Why would she (or anyone) assume that I (or anyone) have gained weight due to a loss of self respect? (or, as she later argues, as a symptom of it.)Yes, I got fatter. Yes, I have to shop at Lane Bryant instead of Forever 21 (such a stupid name for a store). Yes, my appearance has changed somewhat. However, none of these truths have changed the level of respect I have for myself. And, thankfully, none of these truths have changed the level of respect my husband has for me. If it had, I would have seriously questioned the kind of respect he had for me before the weight gain.

I think there is some truth to the notion that we "advertise" ourselves before we hook up. However, one would hope that the reason a hook up turns into a relationship is because there is a level of respect, admiration, and love that goes beyond what may have attracted us in the first place. THAT is what should never change.

It seems to me, Melissa, in reading your blog for the past few months, that you have not only maintained that level of love, respect and admiration, but improved it. I would argue that that is much more difficult than maintaining a size 4. You are a beautiful woman, and should be told so often.

[Heather]

I can identify with your post on many levels. We have had the "all the weight you gained is a disapointment" conversation. Pre-marriage and kids, I was 5'9" size 6 that had vodka for dinner, followed by beer for dessert and a pack of Newports as a snack (college life). Post-marriage and kids, a size 16 who cooks dinner more often than not for her family and has given up the unhealthly habits (for the most part). I know I am a better person now although it does hurt deep down knowing I don't look as good as before.

[Melissa Summers]

To clarify, I liked Mom in the Middle's post and I do think there is some element of truth to it and that's why it got under my skin in all honesty.

Maybe my husband does have a right to express concern about my weight but to call a weight gain of 40 pounds over 14 years 'False Advertising'. I just vehemently despise that line of thinking.

But again, it was a good post.

[IzzyMom]

I understand about being unhappy with how one looks. I guess what I don't understand is how I owe it to someone else to remain as attractive as I was when we married MORE than I owe it to myself to love myself as I am.

[ApMom]

Melissa,
I think you are so awesome. In so many of your posts, you say the things I think and this one is no exception.
I am a little surprised by Logan making you feel bad about your weight. It seems by everything else you write that he loves you just the way you are. Men start putting on weight around age 30. My husband is at least 40 lbs. heavier than when we got together, and my excuse is the two kids I've had.
Don't beat yourself up for not being 110 lbs. anymore, and don't let anyone else get down on you for it either. I bet if you didn't have little kids to raise and a blog to write, you could spend your days at the gym perfecting your body. But then we would all miss out on your touching insight and honest self-revelation.

[strass]

This has been an interesting thing to think about while not doing work today! I'm 30, have been married for almost five years, and don't have children yet. I weigh a few pounds more than on my wedding day, but I'm still a size 8. Obviously I know my appearance will change over time--I have some gray hairs now, and I have more cellulite--but I intend to keep exercising and eating right, and I'll try to go back to a size 8 after I have a baby. Other women do it; why can't I? It would make me proud and happy; I'd feel good about myself. And I'm sure my husband would feel the same. I guess I don't see what's wrong with that.

I want to be healthy. Having a waist size over 35 inches significantly raises a woman's risk for heart disease. And I want to look good--for myself, and for my husband. I want him to look good, too. I certainly wouldn't stop loving him if he quit exercising and gained 50 pounds, but I'd be concerned about him, and yes, I probably wouldn't be as attracted to him. Am I truly in the minority for thinking this way? I've never considered myself to be a shallow person...

I don't think MIM was saying that women need to keep their 22-year-old appearances all their lives, or that men should expect them to! We're not talking about husbands wanting their wives to have facelifts or tummy tucks. I don't look 22, and I never will again.

Looking forward to going home and discussing this with Mr. Strass tonight... it will be interesting to hear his opinion!

[strass]

Forgot to mention, Melissa, that I really enjoy your blog. I'm not a frequent commenter but am a frequent reader!

[Melissa Summers]

I do exercise, but I refuse to be at the gym daily and do weight watchers and think about food and eating and working out everyday.

And Strass, I did lose most of my baby weight. I ended up at 120 pounds after Madison in about 3 months. And 130 after Max after 6.

Then slowly but surely with off and on exercise because it's true after you have kids, your time is no longer your own, so when you get free time you sometimes want to spend it doing things you enjoy, I gained it back.

You can do it, lots of people do. I have a dear friend who works really hard to be at a very small weight and she does it because it's worth it to her.

I could never do what she does because it's not at all worth it to think that much about weight and body. But if you can do it with relative ease like you do now? Then sure.

I could do it too. I did do it actually after my kids were born.

Not everyone is built like that though and you may be surprised when you get to that place to find yourself wondering if you're not what you 'advertised' to your husband.

And again, no you're not alone. Lots of people at MIM agreed with her point of view.

[marian]

I think this whole obsession with weight and looks begins to end in your late 40s, early 50s, when you face the fact that it's all going to go to hell anyway, no matter how many miles you run. That's when, as a couple, the really sweet and accepting love begins to emerge, if it hasn't already. Sounds like it has, for you.

I was in love for many years with a man who had complaints about my body. Now I'm married to a man who has no complaints about anything. He just loves me. I don't know if my self-respect came before or after or simultaneously with his love, but I do know that I could never go back to living the other way.

There is so much in this culture that wants us to equate our SELVES with our bodies. And we are not, ultimately, our bodies.

[MelanieinOrygun]

I used to be a skinny Minnie myself; I was that annoying girl that lost all the baby weight within a month of the firstborn's arrival. But then I hit 30 and simultaneously hit a wall where keeping the weight off was concerned.
I am now at 155 pounds, edging up to 160, and I hate it too. I hate the fact that my tummy now does this weird accordion thing when I lean forward (goodbye forever, midriff-exposing shirts!), and I hate that clothes I bought to be baggy are now snug.
BUT.
I also figure that the first time my spouse says something unkind to me about my weight, I will grab him by his gonads and whirl him up over my head. Why? Because then he will know how it feels to have somebody try to control his body, that's why.
It's mine. I'll break it, or let it get chunky, if I want to. And if I don't, I will take steps (insofar as I am comfortable or willing to) to get it back down to a weight that is okay with me.

[alice]

Melissa, you rock.

My take on things is this:
1. False advertising is a crappy term - no one bought anything, and therefore there wasn't advertising. Even trying to apply it to my situation makes me feel like a commodity, which I don't like. Implying that you really care about certain things (appearance, baseball, theater) while dating and then coming clean after marriage is a situation I'm sure some folks deal with, but it's not what's going on in your case, or in most of the others people have mentioned. Time passes. Other things become more important. The same level of effort gets crazily different results, etc.

I've got a ton of body image issues, and so for me it's hard to understand how folks can not fly off the handle when a partner expresses dismay/sadness/etc. WRT a change in the other partner's appearance - I'd feel judged and go nuts. Say that you're less attracted to me, say that you're worried about a sudden change in how I live my life: fine, although potentially painful. Judge my actions: not fine. (NOTE: this is me, and just because I would feel judged doesn't mean that that's how I think it would be for everyone.)

2. Changing levels of attraction are some tricky shit, and I'm continually impressed with your ability to talk cogently about what's going on for you with this issue. You've even done a good job of presenting Logan's POV objectively, which is really commendable. I know it's not the point of your post, but there are *lots* of us who think that you're the shit, FWIW.

3. I'm with you on the lazy front, although anyone who goes to the gym can't be *completely* lazy, IMO.

[Builder Mama]

Melissa, I've been reading your posts about the weight issue and there have been more times than not that I think "Damn, she's hit the nail right on the head with how I feel."

Battling weight sucks. I have been up and down my entire life and when someone like my mother, who is extremely hypercritical on her best day, makes comments like "You were always chubby" it really cuts to the core.

Four years ago when my son was born, I dropped the baby weight like a rock. Then boom - my nephew committed suicide at the age of 20 and I went into a 3-year tailspin. And I got FAT. Last fall I had a life-changing event while working on a jobsite and between the humiliation and the fact that I was so physically unfit that I felt like I was going to die from a heart attack at 35, it drove me to get cracking on myself.

Forty pounds later and I still don't feel right. I look in the mirror and still see FAT GIRL. I don't care how many people come up and tell me how great/skinny I look because part of me wants to smack the hell out of them and ask "Other than my exterior, what is different about me than the last 35 years I've been alive?" It's maddening because I still can't wrap my brain around it all. Not to mention that the whole diet and exercise thing is like a daily hell for me. I don't enjoy it and I never will.

I guess the other part is that my husband never breathed a critical word to me the entire time I was overweight. He always let me know that he loved me no matter what and he knew how my mother's criticisms drove me to the edge. And you know, he's put on the pounds and lost the hair and is a lot wrinklier than when I met him 12 years ago, but I have never felt any differently about him during all the changes. I think I'd be a liar to say that he's not happy about my weight loss, but I do appreciate the fact that he never made it an issue between us even if it did bother him a little bit. Either that or he was scared I was going to kick his ass.

I think you are an amazing writer and a beautiful person inside and out. I just hope that you will find comfort within your own skin soon.

[Deb]

This is all such crap I cannot stand it one more minute!
You and me, we all deserve to just BE. We are enough as we are, unconditionally. As a survivor of eating disorder and a counselor I could just kill all the sick people perpetuating this crap. It is so frustrating to work HARD to really care about my whole self, body and soul. And to help so many women and to teach my kids about being WHOLE.
The one sure thing we can all count on is change. None of us are going to stay stagnant or beautiful or perfect as we were when we were _____. It is about loving OURSELVES as we grow and if we are lucky enough to find someone to share the journey who also gets this, it is a fine rare thing.
I am overweight, always have been, even when doing terrible things to my body. I was dealt some very unpopular genes. AND I am healthy and do not wish to be skinny. No one will believe it but it is true. My husband seriously and truly loves me for who I am and while I have gained and lost during our time together, he has never changed how he treats or talks about me or to me. EVER.
We only owe it to ourselves to do what makes us feel whole and true and joyful.
sorry to rant but it has been building as this post keeps getting referenced. I am too frustrated and SICK of this conversation to rant anywhere else and somehow I feel you will understand. I hope so anyway.
Logan is right, it is HIS issue. Good for him for recognizing it. I give you permission to just BE, Melissa. There is so much about you that truly is talented and smart and witty and BEAUTIFUL in all your glory that is so much more important!

[Wendy Mac]

Wow, Melissa, I don't even know where to start.

As someone who really does have a weight problem, and should lose over 100 pounds, I can remember feeling the same way when it was only 10 pounds. Then 20 pounds. And so it has gone.

I just will say I can feel your pain, I understand how you feel. As much as I can understand how you feel, I think you are amazing and beautiful, and I have always loved people more for what was inside than what was outside.

I will also say I was disgusted by the other thread you referenced, so I can also understand why you were upset from it.

[tanyetta]

I went to my yearly physical and my doctor who is really nice well, until she said this:

Her: How tall are you?
Me: 5 feet 4
Her: WOW!
Me: WOW?
Her: Oh um..(she starts counting on her fingers)
You're 40 punds overweight.
Me: SILENCE.
Her: Well,let's see, we're the same height and I weigh 120 and you weigh 180. That's a lot of weight to carry around
Me: areyoukiddingmerightnow!!!!!!!!!!!

[Katie]

Tanyetta -- I live in fear of the day I get a comment like that from a doctor. When I was a bit younger, I had a doctor tell me I was supposed to weigh 111 pounds (I'm 5'2"). I haven't weighed 111 pounds since sixth grade, and I can almost garuntee I'll never see that weight again!

[Katie]

I agree wholeheartedly with Deb. I may only be 21 but I've worked for YEARS to be happy with the way I am both in the way I look and as a person (By the way, i'm 60 pounds heavier now than I was when I started trying to be ok with me). I'm sick to death from reading all this, and even from not seeing understanding from other women. We all deal with the same issues of beauty, and yet not everyone seems as bothered by it as I am. In fact, in a comment on one of the other posts about this a woman says "Who ENJOYS being fat, if they are honest with themselves?" That felt like a punch in the stomach. I don't think it's about enjoying being fat. It's about coming to a place where you can be HAPPY being fat, or skinny, or old, or young. I hope we all, Melissa and every other woman who's left a heartfelt comment on this post, get there someday.

Love to everyone.

[hipstermom]

I do it as much as everyone else, but do you ever think "There has to be something else to worry about?" Some days I swear my weight is all I can think about, and I actually weight less after being married and having 2 kids (little too much partying going on before). When I work out now, other than for myself, it's for the kids. They are the ones I want to set a good example of health for. My husband is awsome, but he can help himself.

I really do feel that weight issues aside, we just have to find a place we can all be happy with ourselves. Melissa, it sounds like for the most part you have found that place. Once you are there, sometimes things just seem to have a way of working out. Maybe not tomorrow, and certainly not by themselves, but I'd be willing to bet the more time you spend happy with the other areas of your life, dealing with your weight will become easier.

[ChristyD]

It seems like part of the problem is America's unwillingness to let a mom in her 30s LOOK like a mom in her 30s. For many of us it takes SO MUCH work to look thin after having kids and adding a few years, it's truly unreal. I think in some ways we do it to ourselves. Do you see a bunch of men all struggling to look thin and twentysomething? It seems that when a man loses weight it's because he loves to exercise or has a hobby of playing sports, but for women it's all about the end result. It's annoying, frankly. I've decided I'm finished trying to look like I did pre-kids (see: http://christmaskay.blogspot.com/2006/01/35-going-on.html) Melissa, I hope it's okay that I added this.

[leahpeah]

one of my sisters and myself have the same metabolism and chemical makeup. two years ago, she worked her ass off, literally, by going to the gym 6 days a week for 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the evening with a personal trainer and lost about 60 pounds in 7 months. then, she had liposuction, a boob job and a tummy tuck. she then went on the 'maintenance' program and works out 3 times a week for 1 hour and walks around her neighborhood on the other days. she has slowly gained back 45 pounds and went through many mood changes, physical yearnings to go back to binging and purging which she hasn't done in over 15 years and almost had to be hospitalized because her fear of gaining the weight back made it so she was living on protein shakes and not eating enough iron.

so, then there is me. in the same time period i found out i have PCOS, a lung issue and a heart condition which limit my physical activity. i have no desire to go back to my eating disorder ways and yet when i look in the mirror, i see fat. i don't even see me. i gained weight with each child but lost it after each one. it's the anti-depressant cocktail trials that helped me gain about 20 pounds each and fucked up my body. but without my prior lifestyle of drugs and eating disorders in high school, that might not have taken quite the same toll.

over the past 2 years, i've lost about 5 pounds. i vacillate between being jealous of my sister's ability to lose all that weight so quickly and looking great even if for only a few months and feeling lucky that i can't mess around like that because of my heart. i want to look in the mirror and see me - not my fat. i want to feel pretty and sexy. my husband loves me the way i am. i even love me the way i am. but when the trimspa commercial comes on, for about 15 seconds i fantasize about taking the pills and starving myself. and then i think, 'anna nicole smith is such a drugged out dork. i feel sorry for her.'

but i wish my thighs didn't make the swish-swish noise. i'm tired of being chafed.....

[Velma]

I love what CityMama said about choosing quality in the first place. I identify with Monica's comment about feeling bad for those who don't get to experience unconditional love. I heartily agree with Dutch's comment about the difference between what we are TOLD is sexy and what happens between people when they are naked.

OK, I actually do have opinions of my very own as well. I think everyone has experiences that shape them growing up, behaviors that they witness and situations they feel their way through that teach them how to be an adult. I think life is too complicated and too layered to make black/white judgements about personal choices, despite the current culture's preoccupation with doing exactly that. I think that people who put a premium on the
appearance of their partner are misguided, but I also accept that it is a perfectly valid feeling for them, given whatever they may have experienced in their own life.

The thing that is off-putting about this "false advertising" dialogue is the premise that a person is a static, unchanging commodity. It is a classroom argument, the kind of simple "1:1" argument that doesn't have a lot to do with real people. Anyway, I'm tired, too tired to go on and on. The difference of opinion with Logan's point of view is something that will work itself out eventually. One of these days he's gonna blow out his knee or something, end up hobbling around for months in pain, put on a few lbs., and BAM! Welcome to middle age! Or you could win the lottery, get a personal trainer who will buff you up and then sweep you off to Miami and away from your husband, seeking only to thrill you.

Could happen, right?

[Kim E]

Melissa, my situation is so very much like yours. Although my husband attempts to be sensitive and supportive of my struggles with my weight, the thing that hurts the most is that the person who's opinion means the most to me also THINKS the same terrible things about my body as I do. That hurts my soul and feeds my insecurities. (sorry about the awkward grammar.)

[Politically Incorrect Mom]

I totally struggle with this too, only I've always dealt with it to varying degrees. But I was in really excellent shape (not to be confused with "skinny") when I met and married my husband. Now? Not so much.

It's not that I lack self respect. I lack time and energy and desire to work at it. Fortunately my husband doesn't care. He's even nice enough to say I'm really "hot."

I'm lucky I guess, but still... I really ought to do something about these extra pounds.

[Emily]

Everyone has had great things to say! Just wanted to add a book recommendation. It's called "Girl Talk" and it's written by Mimi Nichter. It's about girls and dieting and focuses on a lot about the relationship between daughters and mothers. Namely how a Mother's self-image and diet habits almost get directly transferred to the daughter. I don't want this to sound lecture-y or commanding. But this book just reaffirms what I've seen growing up with an overweight mom. So I guess my lecture/command is that this is an essential issue to resolve, not only between husband and wife. When there is a daughter it is even more charged of a situation.

[Missy]

Damn.

I think the difference between men and women here is that for women, weight is almost inexplicably linked to emotion; in men, it's just another thing with their body, like their toenails. They get annoyed if they aren't healthy or are fat but they typically will either do something about it or won't. It's black and white for them. For women, it's all shades of grey. Being fat for us is somehow a failure or a character defect or a loss of control.

I know it's not going to help you at all but I think you're hot. You were hot at 110 pounds and you're hot at 140. Have a nice, non-diet beer, would you?

[traca]

I was thick when I got married I have been up and down 75 pounds since then. My husband finally told me that he did not care what weight I was, as long as I felt good about it. He thinks sexy is how confident you are and how outgoing you are. So, even if I am not feeling great, I try to be very positive and sexy for him. If I do it enough, I will believe it too.

[Mom101]

False advertising? Guess the unhappy buyers will just have to give the dowery back.

[rsm]

I couldn't agree with you more and this idea of false advertising any less. THIS is the reason that so many of us have or do have eating disorders and body dismorphia. It's bad enough that men buy into it but the fact that WOMEN do to makes me ill.
When I met my husband, I was fresh out of the looney bin for anorexia and was 25 pounds underweight. Was I was supposed to stay THAT way forever, since that's how I looked when we met? Or maybe I am supposed to continue to OBSESS over every inch of my body, allowing myself to continue to live in a world of eating disorders and self torture, just so that my husband doesn't feel cheated.

I agree that we should all take care of ourselves to the best of our ability, but for ourselves and our health and our own mental stability, NOT primarily for our husbands. The fact that there are women out there that think that scare me.

My husband is the same way about fitness that yours is; he is obsessed. Quite frankly, I'm just not. After just having my second kid 6 months ago, I'm still a little overweight. I'm working on losing it, gradually. But I'm not breaking any records. I work out a few days a week and try to eat healthy, but you know what? I like to have a few drinks a week, I like to have pizza for dinner once in a while.

And Jesus Christ, every OUNCE of me goes into making everyone else in this house happy all day long, every single day, so why should I make myself sick and/or deprive myself because my husband might be superficial and uncaring enough to become unattracted to me?

I won't.

Thanks for being honest about it and about your marriage. I get annoyed at how so many blogs pretend to have the perfect marriage. It makes me feel less crazy reading something that I can relate to.

[AggieRae]

I have never been thin and my husband married me fat. But if it is considered “false advertising” for a thin gal to gain weight after marriage is it then also “false advertising” for a fat gal to lose weight after marriage? Does my husband have the right to be upset if I lose weight? After all, he married a fat girl...is it then unfair for him to be married to a thin one? My husband has always been 100% supportive of me no matter what weight. He tells me everyday that he thinks I’m beautiful (even on the days that I feel that my weight should make me unlovable). Does he want me to be healthy? Sure...does he want me to be thin? No. Thin and healthy are 2 different things. I guess since I have always been fat I can’t imagine being married to a person who expects me to be and remain thin my entire life. Now, please don’t think from this that I enjoy being fat....I don’t. It’s a battle I fight everyday....with my husband’s support. I’m not trying to lose weight to please him...I’m doing it for myself. My husband loves me no matter what my size...I don’t.

[Motherhooduncensored]

I'm just curious to know how many people, who have commented here and at the other 5,000 blog posts about this topic, who say that they despise the notion of false advertising still wear their hair long, keep up with their make-up regimen, etc... because "their hubs/partner etc. likes it..."

I know a bunch of people who say that's [false advertising] ridiculous, but yet, they won't cut their hair or be caught dead without a stitch of lipstick on because their partners don't like it.

Personally, I don't give a crap what my husband thinks about what I wear or how I look. I was thinner when we met - but I also had no life, no kids, and about 2-3 hours a day to kill in the gym.

If I gain weight, or cut my hair, and he is suddenly less attracted to me, then screw him. And I'm saying this from experience.

And seriously, what men are we marrying/living with (etc.) that are so freaking hot that they have the right to say anything to us? Preach to me when you look like an Adonis. Until then, leave me alone.

[metacara]

I love your blog SO much. You don't know how much. I don't even know you but I feel like we talk every day, isn't that creepy and Internet-y? Anyway, I am finally moved to declare my love for you because my husband and I went through this same issue and came out the other side. He is a marathoner also, by the way. Eeew. Anyway, at the low point of our body war, I was six months pregnant with our first child and he said, in all seriousness, "I am so worried that the candy that you're eating is hurting the baby". Right now, if you are at all the woman I think you are, you should have fallen out of your chair. I will wait for you to get back into it. Okay. So was I eating steak tartare? Was I fishing in Love Canal and frying up catfish with three eyes? Was I eating imported caviar from Chernobyl? No. I was eating pretty much what he ate plus, yes, candy from the candy bowl at work. Kind of a lot of candy, I admit. Prior to this pregnancy, by the way, I had done a triathlon with him even though i was in my first trimester and had a miscarriage. I did it because I knew he had body issues with me I knew that if I dropped out of the tri that he would see it as me making excuses to be 'unhealthy'. There was a lot of anger and pain in that pregnancy, but by sticking to my feminist-theory guns, and weeping in rage a lot, and fighting about this issue every time it came up, and just living life, he has changed his attitude and now recognizes his previous attitude as wrong. Not "different", by the way, WRONG. He used to think that my body was like a covenant between us- this is who I am, this is who we are. Having two children and going through lots of stressors in life as a married couple has helped him to see that my body belongs to me, and that his belongs to him, and that together we are a unit that can withstand terrible things because of our love for one another, and that love does not have anything to do with my fat ass. I see where MIM is coming from with the whole "depression" thing- weight can be a marker for other issues, issues that you have to address because they may be a cry for help. And husbands should be supportive and enabling of fitness- but too often that turns into your husband being an asshole gym coach, yelling at you to give it 110%. Anyway, you have to uncouple the control issue from the weight issue before you can make any progress on weight loss without resentment, and that's hard work. However, it can be done and I think that you and Logan will do it too. It's just really hard and takes a long time. Well, two years, maybe. :) Sorry to go on and on. This is like two years of comments in one long, boring stream. Sorry!

[zeldafitz]

You really are, as so many have commented already, hitting a MAJOR hot button for so many women and I want to say, once again, THANK YOU.

It is such a hard subject. I look at my effervescent skinny self in my wedding picture every day (I was a PEACE CORPS volunteer when I got married, need I say how skinny I was??) and I wonder to myself if I have somehow gypped my husband by not being that same girl.

He never makes me feel that way, it's my own personal torment.

You are not alone, but more importantly, you are working through this. That shows maturity, wisdom and bravery that far exceeds the shallow contraints of what you are supposed to look like.

Your actions and ruminations are a much better reflection of who you really are, not your appearance.

[robin]

melissa, i am right there with you. my husband and i are having the same issue. i think when we got married i weighed around 130. now i weigh around 145. it's not a huge amount of weight, but it's location (belly fat!) has had an impact on my attractiveness apparently. oh, and i'm a little disappointed that my size 12 jeans are not fitting so nicely around the waist. as we worked it through, i finally decided that i was going to focus on being healthy with my eating and exercise, instead of focusing on being thinner. if i end up thinner, nice bonus. if not, well then there you have it. there's a big history of body hatred in my family, and i refuse to go along with it. i've found exercise that i enjoy, even if it's just a 40 minute walk right out of my door. and i feel like i'm doing this stuff for myself, and not for my husband, but i'm also honoring something that is important to him (my attractiveness). it's a balance that i can live with. btw, i've seen your pictures, and really, you look FINE! but i know that time plays a cruel trick on us mothers of little ones in our thirties, what with all the hormones and stress eating and lack of freedom and autonomy. i know at least 5 of the pounds i have are the result of ceasing my almost straight through 5 years of breastfeeding (best calorie burner i ever had). i've made little numbers progress, if any, since i started ramping up my exercise, which can be frustrating. those little fat cells seem to be holding on for dear life! but i feel mentally better, as well as more physically fit, and that helps make the small changes worth it. oh, and ps, i had a donut for breakfast today. so there. thanks for talking so openly about this issue. i really commend you for your honesty and forthrightness.

[RisibleGirl]

How bizzare that you should post this topic yesterday. I was having a conversation with my husband about this very topic last night and had planned to write about it today.

This topic is very near and dear to my heart (or maybe not so dear because it was a huge piece of contention in my first marriage). Your post gave me lots more to think about and I'm looking forward to getting all out of my head and on to my site.

Wow....

[Marshfield Mamma]

That's strange I was just writing about this yesterday. Sort of a different take on it if you feel like checking it out:
http://marshfieldmamma.blogspot.com/

[Melissa]

I am so behind on blog reading that I was coming here to comment on your Canada post (LOL!) Mostly just to tell you that I am Canadian and I feel your pain. We've been in the US for 6 years and now being back here for the past year has sucked rocks. Imagine a whole year at Pearson!! Ahhhh!!!!

But the post today is a whopper too... WOW! I don’t even know where to start. DH and I tackled this BEFORE we married since I had already started putting on the pounds. Years later I found out I had a metabolic disorder (PCOS & IR) that also lead to infertility. So for me it's medical, but that doesn't stop me from saying what an ass-hat a spouse would have to be to NOT be supportive. I love the bald comparisons! Right on! Would you leave your spouse if he became paralyzed? Or had an accident resulting in a brain injury?

[thatlydiagirl]

Fuck. That. Bullcrap.

False advertising... god that makes me absolutely incoherent with rage...

Yeah, i was probably fifty pounds lighter now than when we married eight years ago. But you know what? Weirdly? I am much more confident and secure and sexually put-together than when i was thinner. And he is hot for me. Loves me. Is proud to go out and be seen with me. Adores me. I'm sure that morphing mama feels validated in her opinion, but since this is not her blog? I can say 'That is complete shite, every word'. My husband isn't attracted to my SIZE, he's attracted to ME. Now, if i was all sloppy and unkempt and dirty, he might be turned off, but i'm not... i'm clean, I smell nice, i wear cute clothes in my size, i keep my hair looking good. ALl of which i did when I was thin, too, and probably I actually dress better now, ha. Gah.

[gwen]

Sorry to be a bit off topic, but what is the deal with the link to Erickson Retirement Communities? Is only my computer doing that for the second link or are you trying to drive me crazy? By the way Melissa, I have never commented before but I read every day and have always loved your honesty. You always give me a laugh and make me think. Today was no exception. Thanks.

[Carrie P.]

I just read that Morphing into Mama post you linked to and I have to say that is the biggest crock of shit I've ever read. I think it is easy for a skinny person to sit in judgement of fat people and say we don't have respect for ourselves and if we just cared a little we could become skinny, but until a person has actually been fat and had a struggle with weight I don't think the have a single flippin' clue what they are talking about when it comes to the psychology of a fat person. I have actually lost a lot of weight since meeting my husband b/c I am a lot happier and a lot more willing to take care of myself. My husband is slightly heavier b/c I actually cook meals and feed him. I am very glad to be in a relationship that is not all about appearances. That must be a very hard way to live (not saying yours is, but it seems like the poster of the post you linked to must live like that).

[LB]

Years ago I saw a profile of photographer Helmut Newton in Vogue (he's known for dramatic shots of near-naked women in highly sexualized scenarios and clothing.)The writer tells about Newton's wife of many years bringing in some refreshments. She was dressed in a normal way. Newton said,"why don't you were high heels and please me?" "Helmie," said she, "I have to get around."

This pretty much sums it up for me. You have to work within the realities of your life.

Workouts can't always be a part of the picture. Diets?? Some of the skinniest women I know have shitty diets and some of healthiest eaters are over by some standards.

Weight may or may not be part of someone's "self-respect" as MIM put it. MIM, sigh, well for sure her "advertising" word choice was beyond unfortunate. She's pretty flip. Smart and funny but flip. It seems the trend is for psych folks to be more harsh and matter-of-fact ala DrPhil and that woman on Oprah now. Here's a good bookI posted before with a more respectful approach-
http://tinyurl.com/gnszf

I sure don't have this all worked out myself by any means. Today my 4yr old DD told me I need a "makeover" Oh! the pain I felt that she knows that word. Partly from me partly from that bitch PollyPocket.

Here's the sad story of an old playgroup pal who's husband asked her to lose 30lbs outright.She told him she hadn't even weighed that little in HS! She was not even 20lbs over what she was when she got hitched.He had no fucking clue. But you know,she did it, she put her kids in daycare and worked out a lot. He bitched about the cost, she injured her back, he pretty much gained every pound she lost finally after about 2 years of all that(and more) they divorced.

Some men will raise weight concerns because they really care. I think sometimes it's so different from the past it feels scary, I know. But sadly often it's just the start of of a laundry list of complaints. My own parents went thru this.

My poor mother battled her weight her whole life, she's been close to 300 lbs. I know what it is to scared someone is going to die because they are overweight so I feel the "bad for your health" thing gets abused by spouses with their own "self-respect" problem of having it tied to the appearance of the significant other. It's tough. Sorry so long, FWIW I had 3 handfuls of Easter M&Ms and one scoop of Beyer's while writing this comment.

[reenie]

I bow down to you. (And to VictoriaCRL – Wow! Only 20 and more sense than I will ever have.)

All I could think when I read her post was, “Fuck you.” Vulgar, and to the point, but not very smart or insightful. I, too, struggle with weight. I was a size 10 my junior year in high school, weighed 143 at the start of my senior year (I’m 5’4”) and worked out & did a starvation diet the whole year and lost 9lbs. So I was a 134lb size 6 at graduation around the same time I met my husband.) After getting a job where I could sit on my ass all day, and not working out anymore (no free access to the gym at school) I gained 50lbs in about a year. He proposed to me at my heaviest. I then lost all but 2lbs and was 136lbs at our wedding. I did it with a diet pill that is no longer on the market…that and the stress of planning a wedding. I then slowly put the weight back on even while going to the gym pretty regularly and not eating like a hog. I firmly believe that our bodies will naturally get us to the weight they want to be. I can work out and diet and still be the same weight I am now. I would have to go back on the starvation diet/exercise every day plan I used to be on in order to lose even a few lbs. I refuse to do it (CAN’T do it – not with all the responsibilities I have now.) I know that even if I have a healthy diet and exercise moderately, I won’t ever be 134lbs again. I once saw a tv program where twins were separated at birth…one worked out and dieted, one didn’t. They were about 45/50 years old when they were reunited. The one who worked out weighed about 4lbs less than her sister. Genetics plays a huge role, and unfortunately for me, I lose.

Fortunately, my husband loves me no matter what I weigh…I wish we could all say the same.

Sorry for the long post.

[Stepha1202]

I think that my problem with the post on MIM is that I feel like she set everyone up to basically hate each other, and even more, hate themselves. Whether or not this was intentional, I don't know.

But I have to say that I've been reading your blog for a while and you really won me over with this post.

Chin up!

[MelanieinOrygun]

Okay, now I'm feeling guilty for overreacting to MIM's original post. I figure she has a right to feel that way, just as we all have a right to be bummed out that people think that way. But and also, I think that her next post kind of clarified her point of view a bit and this is why I feel guilty.
I take it back. Honey, your gonads are safe.

[Belinda]

I responded to GraceD's BlogHer post on this before coming here, and since reading this simple assessment:

"I gained all this weight because I care about working out and limiting my eating (and more importantly drinking) habits about as much as I did when I weighed 110 pounds. Which is: not all that much."

I feel I could have saved my breath, and directed people here. I'm very fortunate to have one of those, "Just luvs ya cuz I luvs ya" husbands, for which I do thank God. But still, everything around us wants us to hate ourselves, doesn't it? I just don't get it.

[Angela]

I am glad I came upon this post because I read the post on mim and I don't like to slam people so I didn't say anything, but it really made me upset.

I'm married, though in a non-traditional way and I have been with my partner for over 5 years now. I have weighed 240 - 260 for most of our relationship. I recently joined Curves and I have been working on eating differently. So by the whole "false advertisment" should I not be expected to lose weight becuase I have disillusioned my partner? Or is it alright for me to lose weight because of course thin people are more desireable.

The whole thing just gets on my nerves. I expect the person I am with to except me for who I am as a person. They didn't marry my weight or my hairlength and as a person I expect to be viewed as more than that. Thank goodness the person I am with loves me for me and not somthing physical.

I love your site and I admire your view on the situation and I liked the way you worded your opinion and all of the links gave me much to read.

[polka]

Are ALL men seriously like this??? Do men really seriously nag on their wives to lose weight and Men even offer their wives MONEY TO LOSE WEIGHT.

My dad was like this to my mother. My mother has had liposuction FIVE times, to please him (he will NEVER be happy with her weight).

I was hoping my dad was an anomaly, that he was strange and cruel. But apparantly NOT.

This makes me ill, depressed and disgusted. What a bunch of shallow, mean jerks.