I have a headache.

Wow, even disagreeing with another blogger gets you called names! Woooo!

I disagree, admit that I'm seeing things with a red hot topic button blazing red and still I'm called, fat and lazy and miserable and those types of things. Sometimes I just want to pinch you right on your petoskies* Internet. (*Max's new favorite name for his behind.)

A friend and I had a long talk about the whole weight posting of last week and we agreed that usually I am able to let to opposing thoughts hang in the same area. Usually I'm able to say, 'There are a million right ways."

But this has been very different for me and it's because of this: I spent years in therapy being told that my body was not who I was. That putting on weight would not make me a bad person. That my outside was not who I was. I've worked really hard to believe that over the years.

Sometimes other opinions are directly opposed to those things I need so badly to believe. I have to believe that weight doesn't matter, that I'm okay no matter what size my pants are. That life is okay no matter what size my pants are.

But then I also have to accept the reality that people view you differently with extra weight on your body. That you present a different person to the outside world. And all of that flies in the face of those things I had to believe to make myself eat like a normal person again.

It's proven very difficult to have both those thoughts in my head at the same time. I was supposed to believe that weight didn't matter, but then I also have to believe that weight does matter. Knowing that weight does matter gives me a horrible tingling of anxiety in my stomach.

The problem is the thought of trying to control my body, or do whatever it takes to remain who I was as a younger person....it makes me feel like dying.

I'm not simply laying around waiting for a crane to come and carry me out of the house. I am doing what I'm willing to do but I just don't want to, can't force myself to focus on working out as much as it would require for me to be thin.

But then I'm back at the weight does matter....

And so I'm depressed.

I'm sad one person's opinion opened her up to vicious and ugly personal attacks. I'm sorry my personal opinion opened me up for the same. But I really shouldn't be surprised anymore.

I'm really sorry weight matters so much because it all seems like such a waste of energy.

But you know what wouldn't be a waste of time? Taking this survey. I'm sorry to ask you twice but this one's super short and don't you love talking about yourself anyway? And it's all anonymous, so you can give your opinion and no one's going to call you a lazy bitch who's way uglier than her husband.

Lucky you.