"I'm not just a talking head!"

Remember when I was in the MOMS Club? And while I was in the MOMS Club I dealt with a few mothers who seemed to be 'pack leaders'. They seemed a little fussy and obsessed with motherhood and I seemed a little fussy and obsessed with dealing with them.

So you'll understand why then when I read the New York Magazine profile of a self-professed Alpha Mom, it may have gotten my hackles up a bit. I might have read it and thought of all the type-A moms in my life and in the lives of my friends who feel smugly superior about mothering.

So I read this piece at A Little Pregnant and you know, it all seemed to make sense. The opinion I'd formed fit right in and so I went with it.

I even wrote about it at the Flog, and I told myself "Well I'm not saying it, I'm just reporting on what someone else said." And that made me feel okay with myself. Until a couple of commenters called me to task on what I was sharing and also thinking.

Then, at some point, Isabel Kallman, the subject of the New York profile left a comment on one of Sarah Gilbert's posts at the Flog and suggested they get together when Sarah visited New York.

I felt a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had been an internet troll just like all the ones I hate. I'd written whatever I wanted without remembering this was a real person and here she was reading what I'd written. I'd been one of the Supermarket people.

Then Sarah did meet her in New York and said she was so kind and that she thought her profile in the magazine was more of a business profile, not a mothering profile. I was guilt-ridden. It was not long after that I realized how I couldn't write about celebrities anymore because I couldn't stand the hatred and ugliness spewed at them. Isabel Kallman wasn't a celebrity in the Brangelina sense, but she was in the sense that people had read about her, thought they knew her and reacted to her accordingly.

I didn't know what to say to Isabel, but the issue and what I'd done clung to my insides.

Then Heather wrote a Hot Spot for her and I told Heather how awful I was feeling about the Flog and writing about her and then realizing she was actually a really nice person according to Sarah. Heather made me feel a whole lot better when she said something like, "She really is a great person. She really understands what we're doing with our sites and was really misrepresented by that magazine."

I'm being sarcastic when I tell you that Heather's words made me feel better, in reality they made me say "Bah Bah" because I was feeling rather sheepish by this point.

Then, to make me feel even more woolly (get it? Like a sheep!) Isabel asked me if I could write a Hot Spot. So I did and I psychically flogged myself for what I'd written in the past but I didn't know what to say.

We forged an email relationship and I don't remember which come-apart it was, because the trolls have really gotten to me several times, Isabel shared some of her experiences with me and I cried. So hard. Because here she was empathizing with me because I was upset someone told me I was uglier than my husband and should consider myself lucky to have him. And I had added to her own suffering months ago when people were writing nasty and mean spirited things about her, her son and her marriage.

I apologized and thankfully she accepted my words. I told her how awful I'd felt about it for months and how the whole experience had put into perspective the types of things I want to write about people because I want to put out into the world what I'd like to get back.

I tell you all of this because Isabel has been really supportive while The Flog has been eating me alive. She's understood my desperation to get away from the comments and frantic news scanning and all of it. And she helped.

And so.

On Wednesday I talked to Isabel on the phone and I didn't pass out or throw up from talking on the phone but I did say stupid things. I wrote at least one of them down because people always ask me why I hate the phone so much and when I tell them I just say stupid things and find the flow of conversation difficult to manage over the phone they don't know what I mean.

Isabel: "Wow, you have an actual voice!"
Me: "Yep....heh...I'm not just a talking head!"

WHAT
THE
HELL
????

To make it worse, Isabel thought to herself, "Did she just say something totally non-sensical? She must have said something else." So she asked me what I said and I had to repeat it because what was I supposed to say, "I didn't say anything that made sense...let's move on."?

Do you see now why I hate the phone?

Anyway, we talked on Wednesday and Thursday morning I gave my letter of resignation at the Flog because I'm going to be working on special projects with Alpha Moms and Isabel.

For now, far away from the Supermarket, which is exactly what I need to catch my breath and just write things I enjoy. Things I like to read that make me laugh.

All while still contributing to my family's financial well-being.

So I'm an Alpha Mom, only that doesn't mean what I thought it did.

In short:
life is weird
lesson learned
I'm not kidding when I say we shouldn't talk on the phone.

I'm really happy relieved to be moving on but Karen, my co-lead, did something I didn't think possible: she made me feel a tiny bit sad about moving on. So did this person we just hired (and who you should read at the Flog because I think she'll be great).

Logan brought me these flowers Thursday to say congrats and every time I look at them I'm so grateful for the unexpected ways things get better when you think they never will.

Comments

[lastewie]

Wow, Melissa, things do happen in strange ways, huh?
I hope you don't continue to flog yourself (in the non-"Flogging Baby" way) over your past actions. When I read that article, I got all huffy, too, and I am not even a mom. People just really get screwed sometimes in the media. Lesson learned for me too. Thanks!
Now I have another site to read!!

[bethann]

I have lurked on your blog for a long time. And I just love you. I could go on and on as to why I think that you are so cool, the obvious how funny you are, and what a great writer, yadda yadda, but what I admire so much about you is how brave you are.
I think that it is just really wonderful that you are able to write on your blog and be vulnerable and explore your life and feelings as openly and honestly as you do. Of course there are going to be haters, but their snark toward you is about their issues, not you, which sounds so much like a load of shit thing that your mom tells you to make you feel better, but it is true.
The other thing that comes to mind because I am de lurking and just have to milk this post for all that it is worth, is that the mommy wars in the media thing is so cartoonish. The different mom types are always described to stereotype with no scratches or holes, as if to conjur up some archetype that plays to our subconscious fears. Everyone in their little box, and of course the boogeyman in the psyche of most women of someone judging you. Those articles are meant to raise hackles. You are not the only sucker to fall for this. It's just that, Lucky You, you post about it on the internets. But also you get to be privy to the real story. And then you share with us what you know.
And I think that is what the really interesting possibility is with the internets in this capacity. The written documentation and sharing of our lives, from whole blogs to comments. Catching all of these thoughts and stories and opinions and feelings and laying them on one huge table for everyone to examine, I think will eventually lead to better ways of understanding and empathizing with one another. You are certainly doing your part.

[msadventures]

Congrats, Melissa! Hope this relieves the stress you've been experiencing lately. So excited for you! :)

[Velma]

The experience of reacting to something and then sending it back out with your own spin is universal. Whether that spin is positive or negative, it affects other people, no matter what your agenda. And you know what? Every single person on the planet does it. But unlike you, every person does NOT pay attention to how their words and actions impact others, and that's a shame.

If we could only get MORE people to agonize about their actions, this world would be a better place. We should start a grass-roots movement, call it the "Less War, More Angst" platform, and hold meetings. There could be beer! And awkward hugging!

[rahree]

Hi Melissa,

I lurk on this site daily! But I don't read Flog. [no babies yet. 'Cept for Hubby, if he counts!]

Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your writing, how the things that you write about and the way you deal with them are a great source of comfort to me.

Congrats on your new adventure!

[Jenorama]

Ah, damn, well I am feeling sad that you are moving on and that I didn't get to work with you very long this time. But I am also very happy for you. You are a very talented writer, and it is nice to know that wherever you go, we will continue to be able to read you.

[Wallydraigle]

Yay! I've been reading your blog for a long time now, and it makes me happy to see that you're moving on to something better. As I've said before, I don't always agree with you, but I love your writing and insight into other people. Almost every post makes me laugh until I cry. The non-funny posts sometimes make me cry, too, for different reasons. Good luck!

[Sara]

Melissa, What a great ending -- and beginning! Seriously, best of luck to you. It will be good to see you wherever you write.

[christy]

Hey, you know we'll follow you wherever you go. Your voice, every part of it, is what we all love about you. It makes you a real person and not just, you know, a talking head.

I know it's easier said than done, but try not to beat yourself up over things! We're all guilty of making judgments about other people - heck, even the people we judge are doing it - but your ability to reflect and change your mind is what really makes you a kick-ass human being. I wish I had more of your empathy.

[Missy]

Sometimes it's hard to realize that someone you've made fun of for so long is really a normal person and probably very much like you. That's the reason we tend to pick on some people the most, because we see things in them that we hate in ourselves. Not that that's exactly what happened here...

It's nice to know that she's very understanding and helpful. And it's great that you get a new job! Congrats and good luck!

[Y]

Congratulations, Melissa. I wish you all of the best in your new adventure. You're a talented writer and I think they are lucky to have you writing for them. xoxo

(Now I understand why you didn't answer my email and ha! I feel like the biggest dork ever for having sent it now.)

[Isabel Kallman]

Thank you, Melissa.

[sugaredharpy]

Congratulations! I hope the new writing gig is as lovely and fitting as you deserve!

[foodmomiac]

How exciting - I love change. I'm looking forward to hearing more about what you'll be doing at Alpha Mom.

Yesterday, someone posted a comment on my blog calling me a snob. I smiled, because I've come to realize that dealing with mean people and loonies is part of being a blogger, and I figured that the rude comment was a badge of honor. After all, most of my favorite bloggers (you included) get a ton of undesired criticism.

[chirky]

i really appreciate your vulnerability and humility. and i can't believe that someone would say something so *M*E*A*N* about you/your appearance. that's ridiculous.

also, "i'm not just a talking head" should be your next t-shirt.

[UndoneLady]

Congratulations Melissa!

[Susan]

I had a similar experience with Leslie Morgan Steiner, who edited the new much-talked-about Mommy Wars book. I read about her, I read about her book, and I wrote scathingly, in several places, about both.

And then I read the book, and loved it and cried about ten times while I was reading it. And THEN I got the chance to review it and to interview Steiner, who is kind and thoughtful and really a very lovely woman. And that made me cry too, because her whole point is that the Mommy war is all in our own heads. And she's right, and I felt bad that I had been badmouthing her based on a snap judgement formed from what I saw in the media.

So good for you--for making peace with Isabelle and yourself, and turning this whole thing into something good for both of you. Congratulations!

[KateC]

So, what did she pay you? Cuz here's the deal--you're not a real writer until you get paid. And if Isabel's not paying her writers, shame on her.

[Michelle_K]

Well, well, well! Congratulations, Melissa. I know the Flog was wearing you out, and I felt so bad for you, because I remember how stoked you were when the gig started, and often truly enjoyed your postings, as well as some of the others.

However, I know the stress was awful. I can empathize with the self-flagillation. I do it all to often, myself, especially when I realize I've said or done something that could have hurt somebody else's feelings, and I just can't give myself a rest until I've tried to make it right. I was SO very glad to read your story about rectifying just such a situation, and about how you found a new friend and a new job in the process.

Congratulations, once again, and I look forward to reading your new posts at Apha Mom, and of course here, as well.

Take care, and good luck with the new job.

[Melissa Summers]

Kate C. maybe you missed this part of my post.

"All while still contributing to my family's financial well-being."

Rest assured Isabel/Alpha Moms pay their writers.

[Sarah]

Melissa,
Congratulations on your new job. You are a wonderful writer and you take beautiful pictures.

[ozma]

Congrats on being an Alpha Mom!

You've got me scared to say anything else. But all the things I was going to say--they're all really good and kind. I swear!

[kelly jeanie]

Good for you! Looking forward to seeing what you'll be doing on Alpha Mom, and I hope this will be less stressful for you.

[Mrs X]

Yay for you!! I hope this change is as good as it sounds for you.

[PK]

Happy for you!

[MelanieinOrygun]

Congratulations! Couldn't have happened to a nicer person. I am so glad that your stress has been (somewhat) alleviated. Congratulations again!

[mommyd]

Sounds like this is a good change in your life. I do hope it takes some stress away. Stress can be so awful. I know that first-hand. Good luck with your new position at Alpha Moms. I will definitely check that site out. So glad you worked things out with Isabel. When I do something silly that doesn't sit right with me I feel so much better when I work it out, make it right.

[Belinda]

Congratulations, and yes, I see it. I SO see it. Also not a phone person here. Unless you're JenB. Or Mocha. Or--oh, heck, I can do it if I have to. But expressing myself without the ability to edit? Not my first choice.

[Mary]

The last line of your post really struck a chord with me...so true. Congrats on your new gig - sounds like a good change!

[merseydotes]

CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so glad you could give the Flog the boot.

And I'm glad you have ended up friends with Isabel. You'll never forget how you two met, that's for sure!

[marian]

That's a great story. To me, the very best thing is when someone who was once an "enemy" becomes a friend. Congratulations on your new gig — you totally deserve it!

[LB]

Hi KateC- I am distraught that you would write "Cuz here's the deal--you're not a real writer until you get paid" that way. It's just so incongruent with how Melissa is writing about how our perceptions of each other are frequently incomplete and readily changed and give me the vibe that we should try to be friendly with each other. I'm not a writer but I hate that pay makes you real thang for people in the arts.

[zeldafitz]

It's lovely that you had the grace and understanding to come through this experience whole--and then to reflect on it so thoughtfully for all of us. We've all been there.

[Mrs Ca]

Congrats on moving on. I hope this experience is a good one for you. I can't wait to read your stuff over there.

[chris]

Congratulations.
You deserve all the great things that come your way.

[TeriLynn]

Well, now I feel like an asshole for recommending you play on people's natural tendencies to look for confrontation on The Flog, because I was totally telling you to do exactly what the NYT does- incite. Hm. Lesson learned here, too.

Congratulations.

Oh, and that "talking head" bit rates up there with some of Bonnie's finer ones... HA!
-Miao.

[llama]

Congrats, Melissa. I hope you are happier at Alpha Moms.

[KateC]

LB--you can be upset all you want, but real writers get paid. I was glad to hear that Alpha Mom pays people for writing. I don't think that expecting workers to get paid for their efforts is unfriendly. It might not jive with your world view, but it works for me, and for most writers I know. When people start writing for free on commerical sites--well, everyone's work is thus devalued.

[Chookooloonks]

Hey, Melissa, you crazy kid, I hate that I made you feel sad -- particularly because I'm really happy and proud of you. Congrats on your new move. And know that over at Blogging Baby, we're all pulling for you.

Don't be a stranger, and very best of luck!

Karen

[coolbeans]

Hurray! Congratulations and good luck!

[alice]

Beautiful flowers. Beautiful post. Congratulations on hanging in there and having the perseverance to get to the good stuff - you deserve it!

[Sundry]

Congratulations, Melissa.

KateC: maybe your knickers get in a twist when someone writes without gathering a paycheck for their efforts, but don't throw out the obnoxious statement that "you're not a real writer until you get paid". "CUZ" here's the deal, real writers write. End of definition.

[IzzyMom]

Wow...I don't come around for a week and look what I missed. I'm glad you've gotten away from a situation that made you unhappy. (always a bonus) and that you were able to apologize and make amends with Isabel. I actually almost cried a little when I read that part (I'm a huge sap) but I'm REALLY happy to hear you have a new gig. GOOD FOR YOU!

And yay to SJ for her new gig, too. Very cool. May you both be happy and prosperous in your new positions.

[Sara]

Hey Melissa -- are you going to have a column, or are you going to be writing hotspots -- or are those the same thing? I want to know where to find you! It doesn't look like they have a feed just yet...
Again, Congratulations!

[Andrea]

this mirrors a lot of experiences i've had lately, and i just wanted to thank you for expressing what i have a profound inability to express in my own words.
i've read all of your archives since i found your website, a few months ago, and i really enjoy reading about you and your family. you're such an interesting person (not in a bad way, in an "i like hearing more" way). and the daisies are just gorgeous.

[Angel]

Congratulations!!!!