Logan is going to kill me for showing you these pictures.

We bought our house in May of 1998, I was newly pregnant and we thought it was our 'starter home'. How cute we were. Almost eight years later we're still staring at the same set of walls and it's starting to make me crazy. It's making me so crazy, I thought I saw a pheasant outside on the driveway tonight. Wait, I did see a pheasant on my driveway tonight.

When we bought this house we made a list of all the things we wanted to change in the house. I threw the list away about five years ago when I began to realize that one income families don't always put new siding on their houses and revamp porches and put up privacy fences and lay sod and build garages and finish attics (with a dormer and master suite!) and gut bathrooms and kitchens and...

You get the point.

One income families often find themselves struggling to stay afloat, at least this one income family has found that to be true.

But this post isn't about all that, all our dashed home improvement plans...our shattered hopes and dreams. No, no, this post is about our bathroom.

When we bought this house the bathroom was hideous, a golf themed shower curtain, golf themed wallpaper border with mirrored tile along one entire wall and a drop acoustic tile ceiling. I would tell you about the shower but that's just going too far. I just can't...I just won't put you through that.

The shower is so horrifying you must never look directly at the shower, you must avert your eyes from it's evil. In fact, I shower with my eyes closed tightly to protect my corneas. It really is that bad.

But now it's a lot better, now we have a new shower curtain.

On the bright side, I now know about all the big golf courses of the world. I don't golf, but I often sit on the toilet, looking at the wallpaper border and think to myself, "That would be a great place for a wedding." Or, "I wonder if they have a pool and a golf course."

Oh it's lovely, if you like poorly executed stop gap measures in your remodeling efforts. Which we don't, but if you do why don't you consider buying our house.

Although you may think, from this post and everything I've ever said about my hellish neighborhood, that I actually want to be living here in another eight years. But you would be wrong. We would like to move in the next two years, but in order to move there are a few long put off projects and upgrades we must make to get the house in sale-able condition in the current market.

The bathroom is number one on the list and unfortunately it's a complete tear out. The floors to the joists, the walls to the studs, the ceiling, the tub and surround: everything. God save us all from what we find behind all these walls. It's not going to be good. Sometimes when I try to wash the shower walls, I hear things crumbling behind it. I hear things falling off the walls.

This weekend we priced everything at Home Depot and we have such plans, such totally unrelated to golf plans. There will be beadboard and drywall and hex tiles and shower walls with real tile and a bathtub in a normal size. Do you have a cigarette? Because I need a cigarette after talking about the tile and the beadboard.

But now we're stuck with two issues, raising the cash up front to pay for all our supplies and enough extra to cover the unexpected things which I am absolutely certain will come up.

Then we need to do it fast, because this house has one bathroom and therefore one toilet. I have a titanium bladder and I can hold it a long time but I can't hold it for as long as it takes to exorcise the golf and mirrored tile demons from a bathroom.

But if it means I get a new bathroom, I'll hold it until the whites of my eyes are yellow.

Comments

[veg4me]

Maybe you could rent a port a potty for your front yard until the work is completed.

Classy.

[IzzyMom]

I thought we were the only family of four in the United States with one bathroom. We very stupidly bought this house when we already had one kid (now we have two). To this day I don't know what kind of drugs I was one when I insisted we buy this house. Really strong ones, apparently...

[Scraplifter]

oy, that paper is f'ugly. if it helps, i clicked on a couple of your ads. Merry Christmas.

[Ms Sisyphus]

Wow, that mirrored tile is intense! Anybody would end up with body issues in a bathroom like that! I can't beleve you've stuck it out this long; you're a braver woman than I.

[molly_g]

Oosh. So you have to look at yourself on the pot? I'm so sorry.

It could be worse. I had "newsprint" wallpaper in my first house (yes, a la old Subway sandwich chains) and I'm sad to say I knew I knew all the adds for antique corsets by heart.

Good luck with the remodel.

[Mrs X]

Yes. Porta-potty or very kind neighbors would be helpful in this case.
Bathroom remodels are a pain the ass. I hate hanging drywall.

It could be worse.

There could be shag carpeting like the lovely orange stuff covering my first apartment's bathroom. Orange shag carpeting and a gold countertop.

[sugaredharpy]

Oh God.

We're in the ass end of our bathroom-remodel-so-we-can-sell project.

We had to do the same thing...tear everything out. And those pricey extras are fucking pricey. Who knew one could blow so much money on drill bits and drywall screws? Feh.

However, now the gorgeous tile is laid and it's beautiful. I can't wait until I can shower in our new bathroom and not in a baby pool ghetto shower we built in the basement. Oh yes, there are pictures of the baby pool rig.

Good luck, it will be so worth it but it shall suck for a bit.

[PK]

Ohhhh if you were to get a portapotty, I might have to send my Boy out to you, as to Mecca. There's construction between our house and the park, and every time we pass that damn portapotty, he wants to go in it. Today I nixed the plan, and he asked why, and I said because it's DISGUSTING, and he asked wistfully if he would ever, ever get to use such a potty. One day, little Oliver, one day, when I stop feeding you gruel.

[Laura]

Good luck! We redid our bathroom ourselves about 2 years back. The cost of having someone install it was more than the cost of the entire bathroom itself! It is possible. We knew nothing about installing a bathroom, bit with the help of our father in law we now know it all!!!

One tip: Do not expect it to be done with your time frame (even if you think you are being realistic), especially if you are doing it on weekends and evenings! It took us two weekends just to gut the bathroom, then weeks to re-run the piping (do not move the location of the toilet and bath and sink if you can) and electrical wiring. Then another weekend to lay to flooring and put up the walls. Then finally we started putting the actual bath suite and the tiles in! We have an extra toilet but for 1 week I showed at work or took sponge baths in the kitchen and washed my hair in the sink. We made sure the shower was the last thing out and the bath first in but still there was that time inbetween... then we had a bath but no shower for 2 more weeks...

But it is all worth it - I love our bathroom, and since we are now selling our little home I am quite sad to leave it... Hell I laid those tiles myslef!!!

[lastewie]

Wow. Where to start? That wallpaper is, um, gorgeous! I'm feeling for you. I'd be scared to death to start such a project, so best of luck!

[the happy homewrecker]

Do you have any friendly restaurants nearby? When friends of ours with a one-bath house remodeled their bathroom, the kept running down the street to the nearby Pizza Hut to pee.

Bathroom remodeling can be such a pain, but it is so worth it in the end. When we bought our previous home, the bathroom had mauve carpeting, mauve wallpaper with ribbon-tied flower bouquets, and a shower setup that made me feel like I was in a pop-up camper. We put in new floor tile, a tub with ceramic tile surround, a new sink/faucet and countertop, and stripped the wallpaper and painted the walls. It was fabulous. And then we moved a year later to our current home, which has a bathroom with gold water-stained linoleum, gold wallpaper, and a weird brass-trimmed shower door. Here we go again . . .

[Jenn]

Oh my god. And I thought that our bathroom was bad. The previous owners had put in a jacuzzi tub, but then put up 3 kinds of wallpaper in a 20 square foot bathroom. I have to say that an entire mirrored wall in a bathroom is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. At least you can get a good look at yourself while you're on the toilet.

We are going to get a loan to get new cabinets and counters in our kitchen this summer and I'm just horrified at how much it's all going to cost. And that's just the mid-range stuff. Aiee!

[marian]

It could be worse. We haven't started on the bathroom yet, but after 8 years we did finally get the 300 bats and their 6 inches of guano out of the attic. I hope.

[pdchearn]

We too drew up a five year plan when we moved into our house. Fifteen years later - okay closer to twenty - we actually finished. And that was on two incomes. In fact, we declined to buy another house we liked precisely because it needed the kind of complete bathroom renovation you are about to undertake. It had pepto bismol pink tile (floor to cieling), sink and toilet. We knew we couldn't afford to replace it anytime soon. We also knew we couldn't stand to look at it more than five minutes. Since it was indded the master bath, we decided to pass.

[terrapin24h]

ugh a MBR remodel..

We did exactly what you are planning to do (in about the same size bathroom) last year. We had a half bathroom(redone the year before) to use while we re did our "main" one but we could've done it without one. When you are tearing down, do everything *but* the floor and toilet, then pull them out. Then put in your new tub, lay enough floor to get you past the potty, then mount your potty(cont tinue to use the old potty so the new one doesn't get trashed, dropping a hammer on a 2 or 300 dollar toilet is no fun). You could even unmount and remount your potty if you couldn't get it all done in one (albeit very long) day(plus the kids may not yet have developed titanium bladders). Showers could be accomplished by hanging plastic tarps on the studs and sealing with duct tape(been there done that). Tarps, a wet tile saw, and other misc materials can be had *cheap* at www.harborfreight.com(that's where we got ours, i think they may have a store near you) Along with buckets, tile hand tools, gloves, etc. If I didn't live several hours away(upstate NY) i'd come out and help ya(us rust belters gotta stick together ;) ). Hopefully you or Logan have friends near by that will accept a few days of abuse. My wife's dad spent several days at our house helping me and without him I would not have been able to complete it. I took a whole solid week off to do it, I would suggest Logan do the same. At the end of the week the only things I had left were mudding the drywall and painting it, and putting up the light bar and medicine cabinet. Be sure you guys spec out 1/2" "green board"(drywall with anti moisture coating that's green) AND 1/2" tile board if you are putting tile up. That way your walls will be uniform in thickness and won't need shimming.

[Flydaddy]

I feel your pain. Our last house was a 1911 Craftsman bungalow. The previous owner had installed brown plastic countertop laminate as wainscoting in the bathroom. I know it was countertop laminate, because it was also our kitchen countertops! Nothing so appetizing as staring at a wall while you...read, and then going out and cooking dinner on the same pattern. Anyway, it had the original clawfoot tub, so we put in a subway tile wainscot, tile on the floor, had the tub refinished, replaced the vanity with a Kohler Memoirs pedestal sink and refinished the woodwork. Looked awesome, and definitely helped sell the house (according to the realtor who showed it).
If you have the cash in hand anyway, get a Home Depot card the day you buy everything, and get the discount, then pay the card off immediately.
Good luck, it will be great to have a new bath!

[Kelly]

I am finally hitting the place of surrender to the reality of a one-income family living in a crappy ranch house. It's our home, and i'm trying to just be grateful we have a roof over our heads, but the red rug in the bedroom with plywood flooring underneath? The nasty counters and cabinet doors? The blue bathroom from 1973? Some days it's too much to swallow. Enjoy that bathroom!

[ladylivewire]

I am halfway through a tiny bathroom remodel so we can sell our house, too. And it's our only bathroom! I planned it well, though -- I went out of town on vacation while my husband stayed home to remove the toilet, lay the tile and reinstall the toilet. So I did not have to go without!

I hate wallpaper in general, but yours is really ... amusing. I can't believe you've looked at that for eight years! In the house I lived in when I was little, there were naked ladies on my bathroom wallpaper when we bought the place. It was awesome.

[AmyinMotown]

Holy CRAP, I clicked the link and MY EYES!!!!

This is total assvice, but--all of RO has skyrocketed in price since you moved. I am horrified that we're completely priced out now, an as lcose to downtown as you are you could do very well when you sell. You've got to have TONS of equity and could probably cash some out, esepcially since you'd see all of it back in a sale.

[TeriLynn]

I've watched enough HGTV to count myself as an expert. I can totally come over & help. However, I work basically the same hours as Logan, so we'll all be piled in there at the same time...
miao.

[Kim]

Our house has two of the ugliest bathrooms on the planet. Both 1950s vintage...Pink & Gray, and Brown & Gold are the color schemes. Both make me ill.

Oliver was about three weeks old when our master bathroom remodel began. He will have his first birthday next week and the bathroom still doesn't have a toilet or a sink. It's got a GORGEOUS shower (that we haven't used yet!!!). The floor and three walls have tile, but no grout.

Granted, it's not our only bathroom but it's only 4'x 5' (excluding the tiny shower stall) so am I so bad for expecting it might take less than a year for it to be functional?

My advice? Anything that takes more than a weekend to finish should be done by professionals.

[beki]

House remodeling plans - they're tough even for two income families. Funny, we never seem to have an extra $10,000 laying around to replace the fogged up windows and put up a privacy fence. When we bought our house two years ago we had grand plans, but right now I'm settling for paint. I'll be happy with a new coat of paint in a few rooms. Our second bathroom (the kids') still has rotted sheetrock above the shower. What a horrible mother I am! But hey, they never take showers.

[mallie]

I gew up in the real estate business (my parents have been flipping houses in Metro Detroit since the 70s) so here's my 2c worth (fwiw :>)

Any money you put in, you'll only see a fraction of returned in the value/sale price. There really isn't any point in gutting and remodeling something you plan on leaving - what's an issue for you may be acceptable to the new owners.

Your best bet is to paint. Paint hides a multitude of sins. Put a layer or two of "relocation beige" on the walls. Make sure everything is presentable, open the curtains, bake some cookies, put on coffee, light a few candles, and hope for the best.

I'm getting my house ready for sale also and I have similar issues. Like the wiring and some of the plumbing look like they were done by someone who took a weekend course at the community college and decided they were now knowledgeable enough to play contractor and "update" everything.

*I* didn't notice the questionableness of the nuts and bolts of the house when I bought, so I'm hoping buyers don't either. (It passed inspection, but there's some scary wiring down there. Ever step on a floorboard and have the radio cut out? Not good.)

[alh]

three words: home equity loan. we're a one income family--and a teacher's income at that--and we just remodeled our bathrooms. with a jacuzzi tub. and we added on a room! wahoo!

[moose]

A friend recently sent pictures of her bathroom. One charming feature is the toilet seat with flecks of glitter imbedded in the pink plastic. She calls it the My Little Pony Disco Bathroom.

You still win the Scary Bathroom Motif contest. Good luck getting it renovated.

[Melissa Summers]

Mallie, I respect your opinion, but in the case of this bathroom, you are totally and completely wrong.

[JustAnotherMom]

Gotta disagree with Mallie too...the new paint thing works in a lot of cases but Melissa is describing things falling behind the walls. And, uh, a homeowner is required to disclose things about a house that they know are wrong...and I wouldn't be surprised if an inspector discovered this rather quickly...Better to fix the problems now rather than get an offer on the house and have to scramble to find mula to fix things in the midst of a sale.

Gosh Melissa, I had such respect for you after seeing the Arts & Crafts green on your walls. Seeing that wallpaper changes my whole perspective--hou could you have lived with it for so long? I would've gone crazy already, like that lady in The Yellow Wallpaper...

[christy]

i wish there was something tangible i could do to help. in the meantime i will send good vibes.

[Flydaddy]

Seems like you have an old house like our old one. In that case, the 'crumbling' you hear in the walls is almost certainly just a little plaster coming off of the lath and falling down in between the walls. No big deal at all.

[CursingMama]

The prep we went through to remodel our single bathroom included building a whole other bathroom in the basement and even then when we gutted the old icky one (which by the way started with me ripping the wallpaper down as a surprise and finding unspeakable things like pink plastic tile behind it)we left the toilet in place until it absolutley had to be removed. Like there were studs showing and no sink, but we had a working toilet. Good Luck!

[Melissa Summers]

Right...no big deal. The water pouring behind that wall where the fiber glass tub surround is pulling away from the wall? Not a big deal.

Oh and that dripping I hear behind the wall when I turn off the shower? no big deal

Not a big deal until the tub goes crashing through the floor because the supports have slowly rotted from being soaked in water for 8+ years.

People are funny. You're going to force me to show you the inside of that shower aren't you?

Maybe we can just paint it! Ha!

[christy]

i want to see it the same way i peek through my fingers at horror movies. i don't want to look, but i can't. look. away.

[Judilyn]

We have a Porta-Potti in our campervan. We live fulltime in a motorhome, and there have been an occasion or two when repair work on the one potty in the motorhome have required that we bring the Porta-Potti into the motorhome.

Emptying it would require a trip to a friendly neighbor's house, but would certainly hold your family for two days at a time.

Judie

[Wayward Goddess]

I absolutly know whatyou mean about all the crap that you need to do to get the house sellable. Our list is a mile long. I have a freakin HOLE in my living room ceiling. Why?? because the brilliant builders thought running dryer venting from one end of the house to the other through the "attic" was a good idea. Moisture gathered, hole ensued
My dog chewed *grrrr* through our siding. Insurance wouldn't pay for it, so now we have to replace that out of pocket. Do you know how hard it is to find pieces of siding? And re-siding the whole house will never net us any profit at sale. I havent even gotten into the half painted walls, unfinsihed floors, etc. AHHHHHH!

BTW, I live near Pinehurst, Nc. I don't htink they have a pool. They suck

[Suz]

Good luck. We're almost at the end of our bathroom remodel, thanks to our fabulous contractor, and I'm kind of surprised at how much more I like my house. It's just one tiny room, right?

I believe you about the shower. I'm guessing it's a lot like mine was. I hope the only surprises for you are good ones, like "Hey! There are so many layers of tile back here that none of the water damage reached the frame and supports!" Sometimes prior remodeler's stupid ideas help out in the long run.

[Star Shine]

A titanium bladder? Where can I get one of those?

[veg4me]

Definitely remodel the bathroom. start soon and give yourself time to get the work done and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Just stick with something plain or within the style of your house. We've bought and sold 3 houses in the last 2 years and there's no accounting for people's taste or lack thereof.

One house we bought in VA was meticulously wallpapered. The wife was in tears leaving the home after all the labor she put into it. The minute she handed over the keys, I started ripping down all 2000 sq feet of wallpapered hideousness.

Also, trying to live with the problem is an honorable solution, but in 18 months if the problem is so much worse and demands an overhaul, you'll be terribly bummed that you didn't start it soon enough to enjoy it.

We just sold another house this week and didn't disclose a plumbing issue because it was never an issue for us. The buyers are up in arms and throwing around words like "unethical". Now we're paying thousands towards their closing costs.

Believe me, 3 grand is better spent going to a remodel, vs. going into some annoying buyers pocket.

[Flydaddy]

Hey, now, no fair! I believe I said ONLY the crumbling sound was probably not a big deal!

[Melissa Summers]

Yes Veg4Me, this remodel is going to cost very very little in the scheme of things. We're going with simple and clean.

We'll give ourselves a year (possibly two depending on the market/job situation) to live in it and recoup costs and then fare thee well you pheasant infested suburban ghetto.

[Katie]

OK i know this is really random, but I got WAY too excited when I figured this out. I looked at the picture of the pheasant on flickr, and then went to the next picture, the one of the shoes that Logan wants. And my brain said, hey, wait a second, that shoe looks familiar... Hey it's an ecco! If i'm correct, and it is an ecco, which I'm 99% sure it is, that's awesome. Because I work in the US headquarters for ecco. So yeah just thought i'd share my love of Logan's taste in shoes.

[Lisa]

In June we will have lived in our "starter home" for six years. We figured it was ok for one kid but we would definitely be gone by the time we had a second. Well, the second one arrived in December and we are still here. And, we won't be moving any time soon since the 3 bedroom, 1 bath, 1300 sq. ft. house around the corner from us just sold in one day for some amount over the $600,000 asking price. That may not seem like much to some of your readers, but here it is just ludicrous.

Needless to say we have found ourselves taking on projects in the house that we said we'd never do. We'd just laugh and say "let the next owners deal with that." We aren't laughing anymore. Having central AC installed in an old house that doesn't have duct work really sucks.

Any chance you might tell us what the deal is with your neighborhood? Amy says that housing values have skyrocketed (I hear you, Amy, on being priced out of neighborhoods) but you call your neighborhood a "pheasant infested suburban ghetto." Whatever the deal is, it sounds like it will work to your advantage.

[Deb]

My hippy friends who I used to rent my old house from pooped outside in a coffee can for a month!! They all just peed outside in the yard. (She has two boys, so she was the only one "inconvenienced")

Always glad to help with unusual, alternative solutions!

[thejustmom]

How do people survive remodels? We just hired an architect and took out $300k in equity...and my family is placing bets it will be a nice place for me to live as a single mom.

[susan @ yow]

In this apt. I lived in years ago the toilet broke. The super said not to use it until he replaced it (which was supposed to be right away, but ended up taking about 3 days). I used to drive to the park 1/2 mile away and use the public bathroom. Thank god I lived close to a park! That was crazy.

[Aliesha]

OMG! A friend of mine has that *exact* same wallpaper border in her bathroom.

[UndoneLady]

OMG! I must be going crazy too. I saw a pheasant in my backyard just last year!

[mom on a wire]

I love how the pheasant is just walking down the sidewalk like he owns the place. He's all like, "Wazzup yo, you wanna piece of me?"

[Lisa V]

I can't believe people would give you shit over wanting to fix up a bathroom.

We painted the inside of our house and did two bathroom remodels before we sold our house two years ago. Paid off big time. We had 3 offers all full price within 24 hours. And everyone complimented us on our paint choices (strong colors, red, blue, mango and coffee) and the new owners kept them. They asked if I would come pick colors for the room downstairs we hadn't done. So don't go with boring beige unless you love it. Someone is going to love your ideas and it will make you stand apart from everyone else.

[sugaredharpy]

Oh, that uh, water behind the wall....yeah.

In our house, we had that too. When we tore the whole bitch out we learned that the previous owners had punched A NAIL in the water pipe just a bit below the shower head.

This HUGE NAIL was nailed into the wall because they covered decent tile with a gold and sparkle flecked plastic shower surround thingy. I'm assuming in order to provide a nice place for mold to grow.

We lived with the leaking, from the nail and also from another pipe issue, for seven years. We know my husband's grandpa lived here since 1986. So that leak has been there for at least 20 years. I can't believe the tub didn't go through the floor on us!

[Kim E]

We must never, EVER show this wallpaper to my husband, the lover of all things golf.

[DLG in Mich]

You should sign up to be part of that HGTV show, "Designed to Sell". http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/shows_hdts/

I love that show. They come in, figure out what you need to do to sell the place, give you $2,000 plus free labor and most people on the show sell their house for thousands above asking price.

[Alice Bradley]

If I were you, I wouldn't renovate the bathroom. I'd renovate the kitchen, which I haven't seen, but I'm sure needs work. Then I'd add a couple of bedrooms to the house--actually, I'd add a whole level. Then if anyone criticized my ugly bathroom, I could say, did you see my kitchen, motherfucker? DID YOU SEE MY NEW LEVEL? And then they'd get it, pow, right in the nose.

You should do all of the above. Also, you should dye your hair red. No, mahogany. With red highlights.

[laura]

heh. Your bathroom is a suite at the Plaza compared to mine, which has pink flowered wallpaper and faux-marble brown tiles. I'll post pictures tomorrow.

[Flydaddy]

Dude, was that the super-hot Alice- Bradley-the-lingerie-model?

[sarah]

What scared me about that wallpaper is that I am pretty sure it was in our room at a B&B in Napa. It was an overwhleming golf theme. But it lacked the mirrors for over-the-top action. How have you not pulled it down?

We had ugly wallpaper in our bedroom at our starter home (5 years now). The day we moved in I said, ugh. So my husband decided to pull on a piece just to see if it would come off. And it did. One wall came off in minutes. And then we scraped the other three walls for weeks. Then had a paint drama (lesson, always use primer) and about two years later, the room was done. Thank goodness no toilets were involved.

Good luck.

[susies]

Oh, I feel your pain. Our leaky pipe dripped through our ceiling light fixtures in the downstairs room WE'D JUST REDONE. Advice From One Who's Been There: If you're hiring someone to make it pretty, do the destruction yourselves. I did my bathroom and it was surprisingly cathartic and 'woman hear me roar'ish to crowbar tile and rip off drywall. When we sledgehammered the tub in two, it was so satisfying. (can I have a hit of your cigarette?) The upside was a LOT of money saved in hourly labor paid to another unskilled person just like me.
We left the toilet in until the very last second and did the old switcheroo with the new one so no toiletless days. Same with the shower. A friend of ours did all the skilled work and I did all the moron work. Saved us tons of cash. Somehow, I'm assuming due to his excellent planning, we never went more than 24 hours without a shower. Go with God.

[Melissa Summers]

Sarah, I haven't torn any of it down because I am positive the mirror tile is hiding something sinister.

Also we've been busy with one thousand other projects with an easier beginning and end.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Oooh, it must have been this post, but I had a dream I went to Michigan last night. And EVERY HOUSE had this golf club wallpaper. Though yours also had a balcony.

[Jennifer]

KimE spoke on my behalf. My husband? Must NEVER KNOW such wall decor exists in the known realm of the world.

And also? I think I have a crush on Alice Bradley.

[Oogleboogle]

FWIW, I recommend renting a port-a-pottie. In the Chicago area it costs about $60/week. I've got a weak, gum-drop sized bladder and couldn't have survived our bathroom remodel without the port-a-pottie. We were toiletless for four very very long days.

I wish you strength and fortitude!