Max and Maddie.

The other day Logan, as he often does, pointed out how I tend to favor Max.

The reason I favor Max: He loves the living hell out of me no matter how imperfect I am.

It's as simple as that.

So we talked about how much we love each of our kids and I said the most poetic (but not rhyming) things about them.

I said, I love Madison because she can see through the biggest bull shit in the world, she writes the most true-to-her-experience stories ("The children were living happily, until the adults came and said, 'Now, there are rules!'"). I love how deep an understanding she has of parents and kids. Also her eyelashes.

I went on to say, Max brought home a paper the other day that called me his V.I.P: "My Mom Is my VIP because she loves me and has soft skin." He rules.

But Logan said it better:

"I love Max because he's full of life. I love Madison because she's complex."

When he said that I realized, Logan loves his mother, sister and me because of our complexities. I wish I was just full of life.

Comments

[Lee]

You *are* full of life...you just need to recognize and embrace it:)

Love your blog...you are beautiful and amazing and a marvelous mom and wife!

[Mrs X]

I think it's funny how we see ourselves compared to how others see us. Because I would never have thought that you weren't full of life.

[drowninginkids]

This is EXACTLY how i see my oldest two (girl 8, boy 6). I think girls are more complicated, boys are just easy. Both are awesome.

[Missy]

Dude, guys are so easy. All you have to do is feed them and show them some boobs (or candy, or whatever) every now and then and they like you. Girls, you really have to work to understand them and get them to like you.

Sometimes, I wish I was a guy and lived in the guy world. Instead, as a woman (duh), I have to deal with all of the complex bullshit that my peers dish out everyday. Most days, I'm ecstatic that I had a boy. The other two or three days a year, I wish I'd had a girl just so I could impart all of the knowledge I'm learning about being a woman/mom onto someone else.

I'll shut up now.

[Meganann]

Maddie is a lot like you. I think it is much harder for parents and children who are a lot alike to have a comfortable, easy relationship until the child is grown-up.

But from everything you write here, it sounds like you do a great job with the both of them.

[Meemo]

I like what you said about how you feel about your kids. My kids have been asking me who I love more. I can't think of what diplomatic answer I give them usually, but as they get older I think they notice how I treat each differently. How can I not when they're completly different people with very distinct personalities.

[chris]

One of the beauties of having lots of kids, is that there isn't the guilt of the favored/unfavored dynamic.

I have one who touches me in a way that none of my other kids does. And no it isn't my daughter, or my baby for that matter. This son is everything that I am not. He is the happy go lucky kid. He is the boy that all the other boys gravitate towards and want to be friends with. He is the boy that all the girls LOVE. He is outgoing, funny, and kind. And it doesn't hurt that he is adorably cute and tells me how beautiful I am all the time.

For some reason people just like him. It's like he has this spark that other people want to be near. And all of those things appeal to me, though I wonder how he ever came from my gene pool.

Now on the other hand, I have a child who is alot like me, some, like my husband, might say exactly like me. He is brooding and sarcastic, reserved and slow to make friends. He and I butt heads constantly. It often isn't easy to like him.

If I were to be honest I'd have to say that I see in him all the characteristics that I don't like in myself, and in my other son I see all the things I wish that I could be.

I love them both equally, but differently.

[Austigem]

I just had to say, I love your blog because you are real, complex and full of life! When I have a spare moment to read something online, our site is where I'm at. Keep doing what you do, and eventually you will sort out everything else.

best wishes, cath

[ChristyD]

I love how honest and sweet that is.

[Velma]

I just started, then deleted, about 6 different responses to this post. THAT is why I love this blog, Melissa. From one simple post, I started pondering the whole boy/girl dynamic, the "my child is a reflection of me" part of parenting, and the way relationships ebb and flow, even in families.

I started wondering how I can get my son to appreciate complex personalities, and if my daughter will ever stop being so fragile. And I wondered if it is ever possible for emotionally-self-flagellating personalities (myself, you, pretty much every female I know and quite a few males) to rise above their own issues and objectively help their kids navigate the same damn issues.

[Emily]

Favoritism goes both ways, on the part of children. I blantantly favor my dad, even now. I think my mom felt left out of our fun. We just have similar temperments, which has actually caused more fights as I got older. I always say I should never have been an only child, my mom needed someone on her side!

[Emily]

Favoritism goes both ways, on the part of children. I blantantly favor my dad, even now. I think my mom felt left out of our fun. We just have similar temperments, which has actually caused more fights as I got older. I always say I should never have been an only child, my mom needed someone on her side!

[dutch]

I like it when you write serious, beautiful shit.

[CartwheelsAtMidnight]

That post gave me chills.

You recognize that loving your children differently doesn't mean you can't love them equally.

That's a gift.

[Ann Bartow]

Hi Melissa,

I can't remember if I've commented here before or not. If I have, it's been a while! But I visit this blog a lot, and I think your words are incredibly full of life. If you are boring in person - hey, not my problem! Teasing. It always sounds to me like you love Madison beyond all reason, for whatever that is worth.

best,
Ann

[VenturaMom]

I like you because you are not full of shit and have soft skin.

[terrapin24h]

As a childless, married guy, what attracts me to this blog(and why I keep coming back)are posts like this. Shit Melissa, could you be any more insightful, any more lucid, any more honest? As others have said: "you are a great person, a great mom, and a great wife". Just keep on keepin on, and things will play out as they should- even if you don't see it right now. to quote "Desiderata"(http://hobbes.ncsa.uiuc.edu/desiderata.html)

"You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

[NoPasaNada]

As a childless, unmarried, female in her early 20's, I like you because you're fucking hilarious and you have a no bullshit way of dealing with things, but yet you are complex. Know that you're complexities are what keep people coming back for more and your honesty about being a parent is wonderfully refreshing.

[sugaredharpy]

I go back and forth with which boy is easiest to like, or understand. But my big diplomatic answer is to tell both of them that they're my favorite.

My mom did this...especially when we were fighting. She'd say something like, "You be nice to her! She's my favorite!"

[alice]

Thank you. That last paragraph sums up months of navel-gazing for me, and I'm going to go off and just let the truth of it sink in.

[Wickedly Scarlett]

I've been a "lurker" for a while now. (And I hate that term, but don't know how else to say it!) But I just want to come out of hiding to tell you that that was so very simple and yet eloquent. I think, in a way all children can sense that their parents love them differently from their siblings. Maybe not "better" or "more" or "less"--just differently. But as someone who grew up sensing that difference my entire childhood, it's reassuring to read that it does, in fact, not equate to "less".

[Deb]

Wow, terrapin24 I think I love you. One of my most favorite and well used quotes. Ditto what he says...except the unmarried childless guy part...

I am repeating myself, clearly I need some therapy (AGAIN) but wanted to tell you that at our house I tell them they are my favorite ______(insert name of child here). And they of course, then tell me I am their favorite mommy.

When my 5 yr old was younger she used to tell us how much she loved something by saying it was her "favorite color", as in "that show is my favorite color, mommy." Now in our family we tell each other we love each other by saying, "your my favorite color".

[Belinda]

Ahhh, phooey. If you thought you were "full of life" you'd just be wishing you were "complex." You can't win, with you as the judge! Snap out of it, girl! Let's have some Melissa-love. Hug yourself right now, you wonderful hooman bean.