Banana Seat Freedom

I've gotten better about breathing through parenting over the last several years. When Maddie was a baby each new phase made me hyperventilate thinking, and also saying, "This will never end!"

So that if she wouldn't go down for a nap one day, I would begin thinking how my life was over and my 3 month old baby would never sleep again.

Madison wouldn't go into school without crying for the first 3.5 years she attended classes which did not involve me hanging out with her. By the time April rolled around at Kindergarten I didn't think she would ever truly believe that although we would be apart for a few hours, I was not running away to Mexico and would instead be back to get her before lunch. Somehow that phase passed as well and now she lets me drop her off at The Circle Drive.

I never believed I would be one of the lucky parents who drop their kids off at The Circle Drive. Instead I had to stand at the door waiting for the teacher to come let the kids into the school and while standing there I tried to feel out the other mothers for some awkward conversation.

When I drop Maddie off in the morning I'm usually heading to the gym afterwards, so I don't shower and dress for drop off. And this is key to understanding why I love The Circle Drive.

There's one mom who at pick up one day when Max was wearing his dinosaur costume everyday said, "You're so laid back! I can't imagine letting my little boy walk around in a costume all day in public."

So I said, "Well the dinosaur costume is okay but I put my foot down when he wanted to wear the Bondage Costume. That's inappropriate you know."

Ha ha. No laughing. Ha.      ha.  .....circle drive......

One day we're standing around waiting for the door to open and I'm looking longingly at The Circle Drive and the anti-kids-in-costume mom comes up to me and says, "I really admire you...I mean I could never leave the house without make up but you've got the pluck to come like this!"

Who says pluck?

Also, what? She compliments and then dives in for the insult. I admire it in a way, she should have a blog.

So yes, The Circle Drive was an impossible dream. But now, it's my reality.

You would think with all my experiences telling me the one good piece of advice my mother-in-law ever gave me, "Nothing lasts forever" was true, I would have picked this up by now. Nothing lasts forever, each phase of parenting ends one way or another.

We bought Max a bike with training wheels last year because he was four and it seemed like a good time for a bike. He refused to ride it, he'd get on it and promptly hop off because he couldn't make it go. How hard is pedaling?

He refused to even try to ride the bike all last year and this spring we pulled out the bike and it was the same thing, he made a half assed, and I might even say lame, attempt to ride the bike and promptly gave up and vowed to never ride this bike again. "I'll get a motor bike."

Because a hurling yourself through space on two wheels with a powerful motor is way easier than slowly pedaling a bike with training wheels.

The other day Max went out in the yard and figured out how to ride his bike. He didn't want me to watch, but of course I did from the kitchen window where he couldn't see me. He got frustrated several times and muttered to himself and got off the bike and then got back on and then sat for a while perhaps pondering the worthwhile nature of the bicycle in general.

"Why do I need to ride a bike anyway? She takes me everywhere. Maybe I just need to tell my mom this isn't 1981 with it's banana seat freedom. This is 2006 where predators are just waiting to snatch you up. This bike is an invitation to trouble. She's probably posting a picture of me on the internet right now, she's always endangering me."

But the next thing I knew he was riding the bike and he's been riding it since 9:30 this morning, up and down the sidewalk. So far the predators haven't snatched him up, but they probably will the minute I turn my back or post a picture of him on the internet.

Oops! Sorry Max!

Max riding his bike in his own time and Madison letting me drop her at The Circle Drive are just two examples of times when I've felt unsure how to proceed. When to push and when to just let them figure things out on their own.

When am I not helping them by not pushing them harder, when am I hurting them by pushing too hard?

It's hard for me to push them too hard when I've seen so many times my kids do things in their own time. I catered to Madison's poor eating habits for a long time and I worried I'd never see a day where a piece of (un-fried) chicken would pass her lips. But now she eats chicken in all sorts of forms and even steak and will try at least a bite of everything.

I coddled Max for 18 months when he refused to sleep through the night. Finally he did (with a little crying) and now he's a better sleeper than his sister who slept through the night at six weeks.

And with each of these instances, you would think my collective knowledge would let me breathe through each of these phases. But with every new phase or hurdle in front of them and in front of us, i always think, "That's it....he'll never ride his bike."

Or, "Oh God! I've ruined her for food!"

Or, "I'll have to room with her in college!"

Still things always seem to work out in some way that's okay with me in the end.

Comments

[MB]

I fall prey to it myself. But I feel most Awesome when I think instead, "Eh! Surely this little [fill in the blank] won't hurt him in the long run."

THAT is parental empowerment and baby, it feels so good.

[Velma]

I, too, love the Circle Drive. My son is usually wearing his footie p.j.'s and my daughter now hops out on her own and gives me a jaunty little wave as she heads inside.

The worst thing? Watching the elderly janitor who monitors the door watch my daughter enter the school. Apparently he is a very nice man with years of service in the school district, but he creeps me out, standing there all gaunt and cardiganed with his mop. But, hey! At least I don't have to put on a bra!

[Wood]

The anti-costume woman is a bitch. Telling someone "oh! you're so laid-back, I would never let my kid do X" is a really pathetically veiled insult. Don't even get me started on the plucky comment.

Glad you've moved up to the circle drive and away from her.

[AmyinMotown]

If you had made the bondage comment to me I would have laughed so hard as to embarass myself. It's funny enough that Max refused to leave the house without his dinosaur costume, and then that would have sent me over the edge of embarassng hilarity. And what a skank that other mom is "I couldn't leave the house without makeup but gosh, you seem just not to give a shit that you look horrible, do you, you're so, um, brave?!"

I also do the "THIS WILL NEVER END" stuff. I had hhoped thatif I have a second I will have figured out that all things must pass, but not so much, huh?

[CursingMama]

as a parent who has hidden in the kitchen window a time or two myself I admire your strength in not going out to "help" (sorry, I know how you hate the quotes)

[Sumo]

Bondage Costume! HA HA HA HA! This is why I love your site.

I always liked the banana seat. Kinda wish my current bike had one, actually.

[novimom]

Awesome post! We have "The Bus Stop", for which I am usually fully dressed and made up for. What the f***?? Maybe I'll learn to chill next year...

[cvarkey]

Thank you for this great post and reminding me to breathe through what are ultimately phases.

[Sheryl]

I'm pretty much the opposite. Whatever it is I think, it's just a phase, they'll get over it. Except now my 7 year old has started using heroin, I may not be able to shrug this one off so easily.

[meg'smom]

Melissa - I am a long time reader, first time commenter (is that a word?). I was so inspired by this post that I had to comment. I am currently the ONLY mother still walking her daughter to the door of her kindergarten and it is driving me batty! I SO ENVY the mom's that can pull up and drop off. Also, MY four year old refuses to get off his tricycle even though all of his friends are riding "big boy bikes". I am trying to let it go. I mean if it doesn't bother him, it shouldn't bother me, right?....right?

[Meganann]

I love the "I could NEVER..." moms. You just know that the end of that sentance is going to be an insult.

I think the "at their pace" part of your parenting style is great. You get in fewer battles, and don't force them to do things before they are ready. Good job, no matter what the "I could NEVER..." moms say.

[chris]

I just got hit by one of those drive-by "compliments" today also. I never know exactly how to respond.

[paulacampana]

It's hard to see the end when your at the beginning.

Way to go Max!!

[Ann Bartow]

You are such a wonderfully funny writer! Thank you for making me laugh on a day when I really needed to laugh, and I promise I am laughing WITH you...

[FlippyO]

Yay, Max!

[bitch who blogs]

My fear of other parents is starting outweigh my fear of screwing up my kids.

[Lisa]

Thank you so very much for this post. It was the kind of reminder that I really needed today.

I have a 4-year-old and a 4-month-old. Not a day goes by that I don't panic about the next stage and drive my husband crazy with questions about when son #1 did something so that I can prepare for son #2 to do the same.

I had to take my older son to the opthamologist this week. As part of his exam they checked his vision. The doctor asked me if they should show him pictures or letters and I suggested pictures. My son promptly corrected me and said he could do the letters. And, he did. Better than I had ever seen him read off letters (in a dark room with one eye covered). I thought he knew his letters but rather than just letting him try and maybe fail I just jumped in and assumed the easier way would be better. He put me in my place and I deserved it.

I need to let my kids be who they are and hope that with lots of love, some guidance and encouragement they will turn out to be good boys and better men.

Thanks for reminding me that "this too shall pass." And, when it comes to stages of childhood, it sometimes might happen much too quickly for my liking.

[Mrs. Why]

This is my favortie post of yours ever. It's freakin' funny, and I can totally relate to the push/wait it out issue. I'm a co-sleeper and my son just finally got all potty trained at Four. I think you wait and wait until you're pretty sure they're ready, then give a little push over the edge. Bribing with candy helps too, but only if your free use of the stuff hasn't already zapped its power. Not that I know anything about that.

[UndoneLady]

Congrats to Max! I loved this post! Thanks for reminding me to breathe.

[Momtowolf]

I love the Circle Drive. My son's in 5th and walks his sister up on Wacky Wed when she goes to K in the morning instead of afternoon K. Also I will drop her off in the Circle Drive for afternoon K and it's never a problem. I love dropping the kids off and still being in pj's!!!

[jes]

Sounds like the mom at The Circle Drive is the master of the COMPLICUT.

[JenniferH]

THANK YOU. I really needed to read this. I'm still having problems at drop off for school, after 2 years of the same class. I know my daughter has always done things on her own schedule and I try to remind myself of this daily. Glad I could be reminded and entertained at the same time :)

[Jenn Bo]

Thank you for posting so many stories this week. I noticed you didn't have as much time for your blog the last several months, I missed hearing your tales of motherhood with all the lovely details. I followed your FB posts, but this is so much better!

[tuckova]

You might like the book "The Underminer" by Mike Albo and Virginia Heffernan.

"Oh my God, hi! Hi. You look so different! Jesus Christ! This is insane. I can't believe how different you look! Did you get your hair straightened or just wash it?"

I thought I was the only one who regularly got comments like that. Now I can't wait for the next one, because they are FUNNY!

[Courtney]

When I was at bike-riding age, my parents bought me the bike, fully eqipped with training wheels and a basket with plastic flowers. However, once on the bike, I saw a girl a few years younger pedalling around without training wheels. It was at that point that I made the executive decision that I didn't need to learn how to ride a bike, that I'd have a driver's license in eight to ten years anyway. So I quit. And never learned.

I was always happy that my parents didn't force me to learn, because I would have been miserable and I would have made them miserable.

However, I also always wondered what my refusal actually said about my personality. I'm glad Max learned on his own.

[Jessi Louise]

The dinosaur costume comment lady reminds me of my grandma. She is great at making comments like that. She actually said, "Well, you're lucky. You can walk around with your hair looking like you just rolled out of bed." Thanks Gram.

[sinda]

I was at the Children's Museum the other day, and my three year old was wearing a nightgown under a skirt and tank top. Another mom said to me, "if I let my daughter, she would dress like that every day. I mean it!"

Response choice A - so, what's the worst that would happen?

Response choice B - do you really mean it?

Response choice C - terse smile

[Minerva X]

Who says 'pluck'? I mean, who freaking puts on makeup to drop their kids off at school? Is she crazy or do you live in a crazy place where people get up early enough to brush their hair before they drop the kids off?

Your kids sound cool so I am going to take this post and use to assume coddling's OK. Because I coddle and let her do her own thing and usually that's all I can do so damn, I hope this is true!

[Lena]

Face it - you're a great mom. The proof is in Max and Maddie's willingness to TRY to succeed. You should be proud.

Oh, and Max's internal dialogue made me spray coffee on my screen. Hil-ar-i-ous. You still got it.

[javamama]

Wondeful post, Melissa. You've captured beautifully one of the harder to articulate challenges of parenting, at least for me.

Oy, the backhanded compliment! I just once want to have something clever to say. Perhaps the deadpan, "That hurt my feelings" might be the best way to go, but I never have the courage to say it.

I always feel like a weirdo because I seem to be the only mom at our preschool that works outside of the home and so I HAVE to drop off in Full Drag, while the other moms get to be all comfortable and relaxed. I hope they aren't looking at me and thinking "who feaking puts on makeup to drop their kids off at school?"

Unfortunately, I do.

[susies]

a. The picture of Max is wonderful. The pride on his face and the beautiful street is so Norman Rockwell. I just loved it.
b. Letting him do this on his own terms in his own time was brilliant mothering. Something I struggle with everyday.
c. Phenomenal blog today. I feel like you're feeling every single second. When my daughter turned 12, it only intensified.
d. So, hey, get out of my head now.

[MamaPajama]

I go round & round on the 'this will never end' carousel all of the time. My daughter is not quite one but I've already mentally condemned her to a life of sleep deprivation, co-dependency and scurvy only to be proven wrong by the passing of time.

As for the Queen of the Backhanded Compliment. I think you should forego the pleasuer of The Circle Drive one morning and show up in costume yourself. I'd like to hear her observations on THAT.

[suburby]

You know what, I would kill to have a cool and funny mom like you to stand with in front of the classroom door. (My son is in grade 2 and still insists I walk him up) And these women who don't laugh--ai yi yi. People who don't have a sense of humour just bug me now. But you, Madam, you are truly a jewel among women.

[hollyglolightly]

Hi--I have been reading quietly over here for a while, but I needed to tell you that this was absolutely the thing I needed to read tonight. My daughter has just entered the terrible twos with a vengeance, and all the good aplomb I thought I'd grown after our own 18-month sleep struggle has gone right out the freaking window. Thank you for being honest enough to write about this all as a process, and keep rocking the circle drive in the workout gear! (perhaps wear a negligee one morning?)

[Mrs X]

Thank you. I needed the reminder that someday, he will sleep again.

You've also managed to, humorously, highlight the reason I avoid the moms at my daughter's school!

[far and away the farthest]

I loved the bondage line, I would have followed you home waiting for the next one-liner! I finally figured our the handle for the fake praise ladies. I just ignore the second part of the comment and respond to the first. I am so sympathetic when I say, "Oh, parenting is harder than I expected it to be too. It is hard to just trust your instincts isn't it?"

[aimee]

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