Keep your face normal and do not talk with your hands.

As promised, I attended Exposure.Detroit on Friday night, I also sat in the car outside Karas Bros. Tavern saying to Logan, "I don't want to do this. Why did I say I would do this? Why am I doing this to myself?"

And Dr. Logan walked around to my car door, opened it and said, "You said you would go because you want to go and because you know this is the kind of thing you have to do to get better in the ways you want to be better."

He then pulled me by the arm out of the car and I tried to take a deep breath and be brave. While being brave I wrapped myself around his head a lot like a cat will do when frightened.

Then I took a deep breathe and swallowed a beer bottle whole and tried to talk to new people. And you know, once again it wasn't bad, it was fun. We met Melissa/Mainegal whose pictures I'd admired for a while, especially that marathon one of you-know-who and my spouse.

As an aside, I still haven't been introduced to my pretend boyfriend but still Logan certainly knows how to take one for the team. The other night I said, as my face exploded with a pimple, 'John would never even notice me.' Logan said, "John would want to dip you in honey."

Which, unless honey is an astringent, was a lie. But still it helped Logan get lucky.

We also met UrbanTiki and his lovely wife Tiki, and this is so weird, but Bobby doesn't really write a blog I've ever seen. I've seen his amazing pictures of Detroit and other things and his adorable daughter and beautiful wife and I've read the captions for his pictures but just from his pictures and his short words about his work and family I thought I'd like them. And I did.

Or maybe that was the simple fact that Tiki allowed me to wrap my body around her head to save me from my social anxiety.

We also met tEdGuY49 and his wife Chris, whose stories of her children filled me with hope for the future. That perhaps when my kids are grown I'll still be able to speak in complete sentences which aren't punctuated with, "Hold on, it's mommy's turn to talk now."

It would be nice if I had some more pictures of the people we met but Logan was in charge of the photos that night and this means about 48 of the 231 include my ass, which must not be viewed without protective eyewear, and also several nonsense photos like this one:

Here is a picture of me, where you might think, at first glance, I'm happy and not a socially anxious freak. But in fact, I think I may have been having a seizure in this moment. I think I'd just bitten my tongue off, which is easy to do when your teeth are as large as mine. Look out!!!

In this photo I demonstrate the correct way to check for testicular cancer, you can see how thrilled my conversational partner (who I think is this guy) is to be discussing this with me. (But just you wait, it gets better.)

After I realized I'd once again spoken with my hands in an awkward way, I proceeded to do something with my face I'm not sure I've been able to do before or since. Maybe while in labor I made that face, but other than that I can think of no excuse for me making the face you see below.

I think I was talking about how I always close my eyes in pictures. But instead I demonstrated how I always close my eyes and have a seizure in photos.

The good news is in spite of that face I made above, I did not fling any actual Fiats, but you realize the Fiat thing was just a metaphor for what I did in that picture above. What you see right there is a Fiat being flung. But still at least no one was maimed by that Fiat and the bar itself was left unharmed by the flinging Fiats.

Besides that face I made, the only other flung Fiat came at the hands of Logan. Logan's worked hard over the last 8 years to come up with his own set of 'Dad Jokes'.

'Dad Jokes' are those ones your father always does and which always make you say, "Oh MY God You are SO embarrassing! Will you drive me to the mall now?"

Logan's repertoire includes:

Shift the car into drive when really you need to reverse but look back like you're reversing and act surprised every time the car lurches forward. (This is my personal favorite.)

Kick the flip flop off everyone's foot. (This one is big with the 3-5 year old set.)

Walk up behind an unsuspecting person standing and talking to a group of people, take your knee and bump it into the back of unsuspecting person's knee, which will cause their knee to give and they'll stumble a bit. (I don't understand the allure of this joke, but I think this is his favorite gag.)

This is a picture of Logan slinking home after performing this gag on Bobby. He has bad knees and was forced to sit in a chair crying silent tears of pain mixed with rage at Logan the rest of the night.

I hope Logan's proud of himself and his Tomfoolery. Let this be a lesson to you all, if you approach an event without any social anxiety you'll probably maim someone by the end of the night. At least my face only repelled people, but didn't actually harm anyone.

So I did it anyway and I made a few really stupid faces while doing it but still I did it and had fun and proved to myself for the 3,592nd time that things are never as hard as I imagine them to be. Maybe someday I'll actually trust these things.

In other news: let's meet back here to talk about how much I must hate Madison because I am making her go to swim lessons even though she almost drown today and probably will tomorrow too! I can't believe you don't care about me at all you are a horrible mother and I hate you.

She'll probably wrap her body around my head tomorrow as we walk to swim lessons like a scared cat.

I just can't imagine where she got that......

Comments

[Deb]

You and I are twins separated at birth when it comes to social activities. I sweat, that has your face making beat by a mile. The more beer I drink to help said social panicking, the more I sweat and get red and panic about getting red and sweating.
I know YOU know......I dread dread dread them and then end up having total fun.

Thank you as always for all you share, you have the gift of making me laugh through my tears with you.

[Missy]

Okay, as someone who actually *has* seizures, I'm offended.

Okay, I'm totally not offended but I promise you don't look nearly as silly not having a seizure as I do having one. Thank goodness I don't have any photos of me doing said activity.

I like that last shot with the Ren Cen in the background. It totally displays way things are in Detroit (shiny and purty versus dark, gritty and something you wouldn't want to meet).

[julia/tickytacky]

You look so pretty in these pictures. Okay, maybe not the seizure pic, but the other ones ... love your haircut. I know I already gushed this over at Flickr on your haircut photos, but what the hell. Now I'm seeing it in action, and I still love it.

[Mrs X]

I don't think the seizure picture is nearly as bad as you think!

I'm glad you had fun and for shame Logan!

I once took my grandma out like that. Feel better?

[Sarah]

I'm with Logan on this one: the poke in the back of the knee is the funniest thing ever invented. Ever. Plus the car thing sounds funny.

Oh, and try the knee thing when someone's standing in front of a cupboard. That way, they both collapse and smash their knee into something hard! Hurrah!

[Susie]

I don't know... I wish I looked as good as you do while flinging verbal Fiats.

I'm glad you had some fun, even if you had to torment yourself beforehand. You went -- good for you.

[NoPasaNada]

Another Fiat spared...

I for one, think you look nice and purrty and not at all seizure like.

[TeriLynn]

Oh, and I tried so hard to get you acclimated to the public arena...
Oh, and I found out why it took so long to get the food- the bartender is the girlfriend of a friend of my new boy's (I met her the next day), and my boy was in the process of taking her boyfriend to the hospital for a hernia. She was a little concerned. Small world.
-miao.

[merseydotes]

Congrats on doing it. I can't say I'm surprised. Everyone who meets you says how fun and funny you are.

ps-This is a great post to show why your husband is awesome and you love him. Too bad the trolls who pop up when you talk about your weight and Logan's views on it aren't around to see him supporting you in this great way.

[leahpeah]

in high school, my best friend, jaime, used to go around knocking people behind the knees. she thought it was so, so funny. i hated it since one time i actually fell down while wearing a skirt and showed off my hoo-hoo to a boy. i died that day. but the time she did it to a kid that was at the drinking fountain and he slammed his teeth, which were in braces, in the metal side and made them bleed and loose, ya, that was the time she stopped doing it. expect i think she's doing it again. i saw her last year and she snuck up behind me but i turned just in time and she was all, 'whaaa?' with an innocent look on. but i know the truth.

[anastasia beaverhausen]

Gah!! How come Texas bloggers never have this kind of Meet N' Greet?? Huh?? Tell me why?

[Gwendelen]

Way to go Melissa - I think you are so on the right track - just do it anyways.

[marian]

Everyone is so shy in this town that as far as I know I'm the only bleedin blogger. All our friends read my blog and nobody admits it. Only three locals ever comment, and one friend from another city. So I'm planning on hiding forever, baby!

Oh Melissa, if you only knew how gorgeous you are. When you get to be my age (sorry) you'll look back at pictures of yourself before you were all grey and wrinkly and think, jesus h. christ I was a fuckin babe! what was my problem?!?

[mainegal]

Strange, GD took a bunch of blurry alcohol photos too. Nice to meet you...

[moose]

Every time I see photos of myself at social events, I remind everyone in the vicinity that it takes rolls and rolls (rolls!) of film to make supermodels look good. Then I contemplate the nature of delusion.

Your hair is lovely. Nice cut. Very shiny. Hair never lies.

[quinn]

Yep, I know that social anxiety. Except, instead of getting nervous or scared before a social gathering, I get angry. Angry at the fact that it's taking up my limited free time, angry that I always look hideous no matter what I choose to wear, angry that the spouse is making me go in the first place, etc. And then I get there and have a great time! Or at least it's boring but gives me something to talk about! Despite the awkward jokes I kept making that nobody understood!

And I too am disappointed that there are no Texas blogger parties, or maybe they're keeping them quiet so people like me won't find out and crash 'em with my awkward jokes and angry stares?

[Lori]

I LOVE the knee gag! Usually when I'm drunk, but when I am, it's one of my favorite party tricks. Others include pointing at someone's chest while telling them, "I think you spilled a little something there" and when they look down, poke them in the face. The other is when you stand just behind and to the side of someone, and poke them on the shoulder on the opposite side. They turn around but don't see anyone... works every time.

I know, I'm an asshole. My friends are embarrassed by me too.

[zhanae]

melissa, you look so cute! i love the hair, and that necklace is awesome.

[far and away the farthest]

I have to agree with Marian. Time is not your friend. Forty years from now you will be pissed that you couldn't let yourself see how pretty you are. As homely as I am now, at least I know that ten years isn't going to improve me. My beautiful daughter at 14 was convinced she was ugly becaues there was a tiny web of veins faintly visible on one of her thighs. sigh

[2girlsmama]

I absolutely love your haircut. It looks good on you. I wish I could do something other than long and straight. I'm so boring.

[samantha]

Hi! Long-time reader, first-time writer, blah blah.

I have to say, you make me laugh, your husband is adorable (don't hit me!), and... you're drinking Sierra Nevada! Excellent.

I really enjoy your site, please keep up the good work.

-Samantha

[CartwheelsAtMidnight]

Oh my god. SO funny.

[babs]

De-lurking to say that I'm so loving how you write about your social anxiety... I think it's really brave. Plus, Logan is such a sweetheart about it!

p.s. nice pics of what looks like a fun evening out!

[Nikki]

First time commentor here. I love your site. It was actually one of the first blogs I had ever read and helped to get me started in blogging. Thanks!

[amy]

I love your haircut and color. I wish that your hairdresser lived closer to me!

[W.]

I realize that self esteem is not achieved by a bunch of random strangers logging on to tell you how beautiful you are, but honestly, I glanced through your photos and said to myself, "look how beautiful she is!"

Also, love the sillhouette photo with the Ren Cen in the background. It gave me groovy Super Bowl weekend flashbacks.

[Anna]

Another fave for the haircut! You look totally gorgeous and adorable, especially in the happy/just-bit-my-tongue-off picture (honestly, I think you are the only person who would look at the photo and think you look anything but lovely)

[IzzyMom]

Finally! I get to see the haircut. That style has always been a favorite of mine. It looks much better on you, though. I have a weird forehead thing. Well, reallY, Ijust hate mine so a cute haircut that showcases it is OUT. But you looK very cosmopolitan!