Talking with your hands can be detrimental.

On Friday night we ended up at a bar where there were a lot of older people, especially men. This bar's tagline, as it turns out, is 'Ten Years and Still Swinging'. Which, I ask you to take as you will.

If I were to pick a tagline for this bar it would be, "Ten Years and Still Anally Raping You With an $8 Bottle of Miller Lite"

But that's just me. Because I'm cheap. Also because I think Miller Lite should spew forth from drinking fountains in elementary schools because it's exactly like water only less filling.

I ordered a Grey Goose gimlet and let me add as an aside, if you want to drink a lot you might want to suck it up and pay for the $12 Grey Goose gimlet because I drank no less than 5 of them and woke up entirely hangover free. This probably reveals the fact that I've had my liver replaced with a synthetic but 200% more efficient titanium liver. Maybe, though, it just means Grey Goose is filtered through the horn of a unicorn which renders the alcohol hangover-free.

Of course Leslie ordered the same thing I did and proceeded to gag and dub the Gimlet, the "Giblet" which is the part of the turkey you do disgusting things with. Like vomit at the sight of them.

This post, though, isn't about my giblets and the fact that I can drink all night and into the morning and still wake up feeling as energetic as a school girl.

No this post is about my filthy mouth and some men from North Carolina we met at this particular bar.

We got to talking (about the outrageous drink prices) and they were mildly offensive but not as offensive as the fact that they'd spent $8 on a Miller Lite. When they heard that my beautiful and incredibly skinny friend Leslie had four children (four and under) at home one commented that her husband was: "a very lucky man". He went on to say, with a thick southern drawl, "Ware I'm frum, we don't have more than one kid with the same woo-man."

Which was an incredibly sexy conversation starter. If your idea of a sexy conversation is me thinking about how gross you are. If that's what you think is sexy, this conversation was smoking.

Somehow, in this brief conversation, the fact that the southerners don't like their "Wimmin" to "Curse" (or bear more than one of their children) came up. To which I said, as you might imagine I might, "No fucking way."

He recoiled at the word fuck coming from my lipsticked lips and said, "Oh no....ware I'm frum....we'd escort you right outta heeere. You're a redneck."

I've been called a lot of names on this website and even in one parking lot confrontation I was called a 'bitch ass ho'. I spent a few days saying that to myself in the mirror to see if it stuck. But no, it didn't.

A redneck though was an entirely new name, one I couldn't even contemplate.

At this point in the story, I'd like you to do a little pantomime with me. Pretend you're holding a bar of soap in your hand. Open your mouth fairly wide. Now, pretend you're washing your mouth out with soap, lathering that bar of soap up in your mouth.

Now pretend you're at the bar Friday night and some North Carolina hick has called you a red neck for having the nerve to be a lady and 'curse', because pants, executive level jobs and cursing should be left to the men.

I tend to talk with my hands a lot, so when I said to this man, "Oh dear, I cursed, are you going to wash my mouth out with soap?"

I used my hands to act it out.

And it was loud in the bar.

So he couldn't hear exactly what I was saying and could only see what kind of moves I was making with my hands. Which, if you followed my directions you're doing right now. What does that look like to you?

His eyes fell out of his head, into my cocktail and ruined my $12 gimlet.

When I saw his eyeballs in my cocktail I stopped breathing and went to my happy place and somehow ended up in a cab going somewhere else where I could offend other people with my lewd hand movements.

*I don't have a picture of me washing my mouth out with soap, but I do have other pictures of Moms Going Marginally Wild.

**I'd like to think if I'd met Barack Obama at a bar in Chicago I wouldn't curse or simulate oral sex with my hands.

Comments

[Mrs X]

Ow! Now my stomach hurts from laughing, so thanks.

Damn rednecks.

[JT]

I'd like to think if I'd met Barack Obama at a bar in Chicago I wouldn't simulate nothin'.

Shit. Did I just say that out loud? Oops. I guess I'm a redneck, too.

I didn't know we Chicago gals were considered rednecks -- I thought we were Blue State Damn Yankees. Does this mean I can stop aspiring to own a house and just live out of my stepdaddy's trailer?

Tee hee. The pictures look terrific, and it sounds like you had fun (redneck bar notwithstanding). Hope it was a great weekend!

[bmckee]

I took me forever (like months) to get to comment----

But it was worth it, made me laugh as if I swilling vodker tonics on my deck with my girls... your writing really really well right now-

bridget

[mamaloo]

omg. you are back and in rare form. lofl

[Missy]

Please explain the cock ring/banana picture.

(Yes, I know what a cock ring is but...I just feel like I need more of an explanation...)

[Kelly]

Melissa, that was a beautiful build-up. My face cracked in silent laughing off of the ass...right about here...

"I used my hands to act it out.

And it was loud in the bar."

trying not to wake the kid up in the next room...

fucking redneck!

[jenn]

Wow, sorry that happened to you! I was going to say that I'm from NC and I don't know any men that act like that, but then again I married a guy from Illinois.

[MelissaC]

Okay, Jenn took the comment right out of my mouth! As a native North Carolinian, I cringe with embarrassment. And I can't really say that I'm personally acquainted with any men like that, but then - my husband is from New York.
Hilarious story, Melissa! Glad you had a fun trip.

[Melissa Summers]

Don't be sorry, what that man gave me was amazing content.

[lastewie]

Woo.

OK, another (non-native) North Carolinian chiming in to say nuh-uh!!

Luckily I live in the area of the state that guys like this avoid. It's way more enlightened here. Think Ann Arbor, complete with the major state university.

All that said, HAW HA HA! Who's the redneck in this story? Not you!

/Native Michigander, North Carolinian by adoption

[sarahbeanne]

Similarly, I once commented to a male friend that I was so full I wished I had a plunger to push all the food out of my body. Then I gestured. It went over swimmingly.

[chirky]

What I wouldn't give to see that on a live feed somewhere.

[MonoCerdo]

Well, when you're on your fifth $12 giblet and talking to someone whose official state beverage is MILK, I guess you're bound to have some irreconcilable differences.

[JA]

Melissa,

As a Tennessean with a very foul mouth, I can assure you that those men do not represent the majority of Southern gents. My husband (also from Tennessee) happens to love my use of four letter words! I think that it is one of the reasons that he married me...

I also had both of my children by him...

JA

[Kim E]

Oh, how I love you ...and your foul mouth.

[Abbey]

Well, bless their little hearts! (That's what we say when we really don't like somebody!) : )

As a true Southern Belle myself, let me tell you that TRUE Southern Gentlemen DO NOT act that way. They, in fact, worship their women and treat them like the queens that they are...and never stray from the kingdom.

Though I know a few who do and they are Asses!!! Dated a guy like that in college...the ones who don't want their women-folk to cuss. They also want them home, barefoot and pregnant, catering to their every whim. Who needs 'em!

And finally, I've found that men like a woman who can throw in a four letter word with the best of 'em...as they're smokin' cigars and sippin' bourbon. But at the same time they like em' with their lipstick on, their hair 'done,' and a flirt in their voice.

Those boys from NC should be banned from the south...and esp. from talkin' to women!

[Momtojr]

Delurking to channel Jeff Foxworthy and say...

If you've ever pantomimed an oral sex act in front of two good ole boys in a Chicago swingin bar, ..... you might be a redneck!

Just kiddin! Great story! Colleagues wondering WTF?

[TeriLynn]

Before I delve in, let me say that I KNEW there was a reason I needed a unicorn...

Oh my god. I like to tell people that my sister isn't really as awkward as she says she is. But Damn! You ARE!
(i'm dying here...!)

[Daugher In Law]

A local bar has started calling itself "The Bar Without a Name" but now I see that it can indeed get worse.

[Crouching Hamster]

Your Midwestern charm could throw off anybody from Norph Kakalakee.

[Fireflower]

The drawback to looking like I'm sweet and innocent is that people start believing the hype. Therefore, when I open my mouth and prove that yes indeedy I worked construction admin and married a sailor... they usually use All of my names to express shock. Hey, I only take that from my mothers. And my husband, cause he's cute and doesn't overuse it.

Sigh. Reading this really makes me wish that I could drink. There are times, like right now and most afternoons, when I could really use a good drink or two. Y'know, to take the edge off things.

[MelanieinOrygun]

LMAO! I get this all the time because of my pottymouth. I worked in a foundry around a ton of old ex-military types; there was no way I was escaping the stank-mouth, man. But you know what?
Fuck 'em if they can't take a cuss.
Heh.

[Amy]

Hey -- I guess that makes you a qualifier for these: http://www.2camels.com/festival61.php3

But seriously, what a bunch of losers (who at least make for good content). On the other hand, I think that's to be expected at Jilly's. Was glad to see via your Flickr photos that you didn't get stuck in the Rush St. tourist traps all weekend!

[AmyinMotown]

I was reading your instrucitons and thought "No way man, I'd be miming a blowjob!"

Don't know if I'd get it as quickly after a few gimlets, however.

What was the name of the bar with the courtyard? was it by Wrigley? I used to go to a similar-looking one when my brother lived in Wrigleyville and LOVED it, but I don't remember the name of the bar!

[jillpmcd]

It's guys like that who give MY state a bad name. I have never seen a real southerner act that idiotic. Or drink Miller Lite...now that I think about it. Who knew we were exporting our trailer trash? You can keep those fuckers up there though.
(I am a native of NC, married to another one, and I still live here. I believe cursing is the second language of true southern women ..."fuck off" sounds so much better with a southern accent!)

[DottyDi]

Excuse me, but that man has no idea what in the fuck he is talking about. Cursing southern women are the norm. I'm one of them.

[FlippyO]

If it helps, I always thought you were more a bitch ass ho than a redneck.