The art of doing it anyway.

Last week was sort of hard for me. Monday was the meeting with my high school counselor after which I went home and waited for a phone call and we all know I hate phone calls. Then I drove to Detroit to meet Dutch, which was fine of course but seeing people I don't see all the time always makes me nervous because you never know what kind of stupid thing I'm going to fling from my mouth.

A stupid thing like an off handed but perhaps stupid remark (think: "I'm Not Just A Talking Head!") or even worse, a chicken bone from last week. No, that's never happened but I worry it could happen.

These things gave me anxiety. Going to my old school made me anxious. Answering the phone made me anxious. Meeting up with Dutch made me anxious. But, I did it anyway and no one was maimed by a Fiat flinging forth from my gob. I survived that round of stress.

Then a day or so later, an editor at a large local paper emailed and asked if I'd like to get lunch. Would I like to meet up here on Thursday? This was on Wednesday. Without thinking very clearly I wrote back (thank God he didn't call on the phone), "Sure. That sounds great."

That's when I remembered: I am slowly transforming myself into Howard Hughes and I don't do well meeting new people.

But, I sucked it up. Maggie, when I asked for advice said, off-handedly, "Don't worry about what you wear, just follow the usual rules. Closed toe shoes, no shoulders showing...you know."

I read her email and nodded 'Yes, I know.' But then frantically realized 'No, I don't know.' Because I have an extremely casual wardrobe which fits my life since the biggest event of my week is Tuesday Playgroup and no one cares if I show up naked to that.

I don't though, because public nudity is, not surprisingly, on my 'No. Never again.' list.

I managed to scrape together an outfit which was passable and didn't scream 'Only Attends Tuesday Playgroup Ever.' and Maggie also gave me other great advice and things to say and I said them quietly to myself all the way down to Detroit.

On Monday when I met Dutch, I didn't bring the directions he'd emailed me, I thought I'd just 'know it when I saw it'. I don't know where I get the idea I can just find my way anywhere because I've never been able to find my way anywhere. Once my sister and I drove right past Philadelphia, around it perhaps, and ended up at the toll booth heading into New Jersey.

In high school we used to go to a party store at 6 Mile and Woodward in Detroit. There we'd wait for some frightening drunk and/or high man to come and ask us if we wanted him to buy us alcohol, for a fee of course. That wasn't scary, but New Jersey? That's scary. (I kid, because Alice loves the Jersey jokes. No really. She loves them.)

On Thursday I walked out of the house without directions once again. Since I go to Detroit about 10 times a year, clearly I know the place like the back of my hand. I know it exactly like the back of my hand if I looked at the back of my hand only 10 times a year. ("I have a freckle there?")

So I got lost and was nearly 20 minutes late for lunch and far too many of my introductions begin with, "I'm so sorry I'm late....." It's always good to start introductions on a negative note, isn't it? But the conversation recovered from my stupidity and we had a lovely lunch at a table in front of floor to ceiling windows with not a single child in sight.

When I talk to Logan about the internet he often looks at me as if I'm semi-brain damaged and he's taken pity on me by marrying me anyway. But this person wanted to hear what I had to say about the internet and he knew just enough to be engaged. But he didn't know so much that when I told him the internet is a vast empire controlled by a variety of rodents on wheels (their size corresponds to your connection speed you understand)(guinea pigs are the 'dial ups') he didn't question me. He went along with it, looking absolutely riveted by all this information I was sharing with him.

Then my hearts of palm salad came and the rest of our time together consisted of me pretending to listen while trying to keep myself from shoving all five tempura battered hearts of palm in my mouth at once.

I debated, for several moments, how awkward that would be. Me sitting there, my mouth stuffed full of battered hearts of palm. Would it stop the conversation? Maggie didn't say anything about not stuffing my mouth full of battered hearts of palm. She said close toed shoes and I had those. Maybe the business people of the world understand how badly you need to eat all those delicious hearts of palm all at once.

In the end I decided it would be safer to cut my salad into bite sized pieces.

I haven't worked out in a week or so because my heart rate has been raised to anaerobic levels about 32 times with the lunch and the Detroit outing and the meeting of high school ghosts. But that's not even all because on Saturday we had a birthday party to go to.

You remember John and Asa? Remember how they had a baby last year? Their baby turned one over the weekend. This also marked the one year anniversary of the last time John combed his hair.

"Why?" You ask. "Why would a one year old's birthday cause you stress you hyper suburbanite?"

Because there were people I didn't really know very well at the party and this always makes me afraid of my mouth flinging a Fiat, remember?

We met Lauren, Jonathon and Noah from How Bourgeois and saw Dan from Moodmat, among other places. It seemed to go well, no one was maimed anyway. But it stressed me out.

My anaerobic workout is not over yet because Friday night we're going downtown again to see Detroit Expose itself at Karras Brothers Tavern.

Tonight I explained to Logan how my heart has been racing for the last week and how proud I am of myself for doing it all anyway. Also I mentioned how proud I am of myself for not shoving all those hearts of palm in my mouth at once. I said how I'm nervous about Friday, that I'm afraid I'll go into cardiac arrest if I keep doing all of these 'social' things.

He said, "I think that's going to be fun."

I said, "But we won't know anyone."

He said, "All new people to talk to, it's going to be great."

I said, "All new people to talk to, I'm having a heart attack."

But I'm doing it anyway, in spite of my cardiac health. I've been doing the things I have to do because I'm not happy transforming myself into a post modern Howard Hughes.

I want to be more of myself and the only way to do that is to do it anyway.

Hopefully I'll do it anyway without flinging foreign objects from my mouth at unsuspecting strangers.

Comments

[abqchunk]

Thank you! I too get so anxious over things. At least you are doing new things. I get anxiety attacks every time my dept. has a meeting. I know they are coming, they are always the same, there are only 5 of us. What's the big deal? I.freak.out. My stomach makes weird, loud noises. Even just going to church gets me all weirded out. Our pastor is an awesome speaker, we don't do any snake kissing or make people stand up and do a trick. Yet and still, I'm gulping down pepto before we leave, hoping it will help keep the noises to a minumum so I can concentrate on not hyperventilating! Anyway, you aren't alone and I think you have been very brave this week! Congrats and good luck w/the whole party and not knowing anyone thing.
(That would be my living hell! But, that's just me.) You've got Logan, who better know that he is not to leave your side, even to go to the bathroom. My husband learned that rule the hard way.

[Mrs X]

But see you made it through all that and no one was maimed by any vehicles and no one ran screaming from you. So, maybe that's a really good thing? And maybe it's not as bad as you think. And maybe the next time you go out it will be good. And maybe if you do it enough, no one will have to come and drag you naked out of your screening room.

*Stated by the girl who has a history of alienating every one she meets by the stupid stupid things she says*

[Kelly]

phew. one helluvaweek! but you're doing it, an ddoing it, and doing it, and I keep watching the news for stories from the detroit area about people being killed in the streets or in their own living rooms by flying fiats, and so far, nothing.

[tikigirl]

I know JUST HOW YOU FEEL! I will be at Exposure on Friday night, but I will know people there so I'm only moderately freaking out. Track me down and I will introduce you to people who could be entertained by fiats flying out of your mouth! I am Bobby (UrbanTiki)'s wife, and the original Tiki, so just ask around and you will find me.

[Velma]

I sometimes think I should get "Fake It Until You Make It" tattooed somewhere private to remind myself that just because I *feel* like a quivering ball of worthlessness doesn't mean that I *am* one. One of the good things about kids is having to take them places and interact socially with people. I find it hard to do for *me,* but I'll do it for them.

[jgsearls]

Atta girl! Completely understand. We just moved and I almost did a jig when my 6-year-old got a birthday invitation. With an email RSVP. Awesome! I don't have to try to come up with anything intelligent to say whilst also trying to convey my boundless enthusiasm for a party at Chuck. E. Cheese with 25 6-year-olds.

[Jamie]

This post is enough to give me an anxiety attack. I hate all things social. I have to psyche myself up for days to go to a wedding, or a playgroup, or outside to get my mail because I might run into a neighbor...

[carolyn]

Melissa: I've been reading for a while, never commenting, but I just has to say that this is one of your best posts.

That's all. That's all I wanted to say. The end.

[Meg]

It's obnoxious to say, "I know how you feel..." but hey! Why not. I know how you feel. Tons of new people and new situations makes me tremble violently at my "shy core," which seems to be conveniently located above my bladder.

But I've learned to fake comfort until I get it there. And to realize that part of my charm is the stupid things I say when I'm nervous.

Or at least that's a lie I hold close and nurture.

[Meg]

And then I looked up and someone else had said, "I know how you feel." And then I wanted to bludgeon myself.

Awesome.

[Susie]

I'm proud of you too. Oh, and for the record, I'd let you whack my with a Fiat any day. (That looks vaguely creepy written out, but I think you get my drift.)

[Kelly M.]

I hate the telephone, HATE IT. I have never liked to talk on it. At home when my phone rings I start to breathe deep. I do not answer the phone and I do not call people. I have lost friends, good friends, because they got mad that I never called them. I would try, I would have the phone in my hand and I would WANT to call them BUT I could not ever actually do it. I would chicken out of calling people that I know and talk to and come to my home. None of my friends understand, no one does. Alexander Graham Bell should have been shot on site.

I also hate to obligate myslef to things because it never fails the day before the dreaded thing I will start to freak and panic and think of everything I am going to do wrong or how stupid I will be or sound or look.

Most people think that I am crazy because I end up just saying whatever the hell I want to and overcompensating being so socially retarded by acting crazy. Crazy is better than retarded, right??

Im sorry. I wouldnt wish my feelings on anyone and it seems that you have them. Sometimes it can be down right hard to be so weird, huh?

[CursingMama]

You are so more mature than I am - I never ever in a million years would tell my husband how I was feeling about these things. Instead I keep all this to myself and let it turn my stomach inside out until I sit on the bathroom floor half dressed for whatever event it is I'm supposed to be going to with tears streaming down my face wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into and wouldn't it be so much easier to just stay home forever.
I know you probobly don't think so - but publically talking about the anxiety means you are so much stronger.

[Justbeachy]

Add in an "overwhelmed brain that is incompatible with the world" due to a undetected inner ear disorder and we could be twins! My husband says I "can" physically make myself ill to get out of going to public events...partys....family gatherings...kid's birthday parties...etc.. You are correct though, there is an art to overcoming the anxiety and just doing it.. I am very proud of your accomplishments this week.

[MelanieinOrygun]

You rock!
That's all I got.
No, wait! I am also curious about Mr. Newspaper Mogul Guy, too... is it allowed to ask?

[Lily]

I can relate - I feel the same way in social situations - sometimes even with people I DO know.

The nice thing about cardiac arrests (as if) is that you simply cannot force yourself to have one. So when you think you might have one, just dare yourself to go ahead and arrest itself.

Your heart will keep beating, I promise. And then you'll see that your body is ALL TALK and no action.

[Second Half]

I used to be very similar in the social anxiety department until I entered the education profession. Now, after 14 years dealing with adolescents, and parents of adolescents, I have been exposed to every type of person and situation. I have also been forced to speak in front of millions of groups and that has helped me amazingly. However, I do still have an anxiety about the phone. Hate to call people. And stay at home moms. Since I only stay home in the summer, I don't fit in. They make me very nervous. The fact that I am a midwesterner living in Utah, and most of them are Mormon, doesn't really help much either (thank God I live near Heather otherwise I would really feel like a fish out of water)

I am a high school counselor. I have to say that I am extremely impressed with all that your counselor did for you. He sounds very wise and compassionate. More so than many I've worked with.

[moose]

I feel your driving pain. I once took two bridges to get from San Francisco to San Mateo. There's no water between San Francisco and San Mateo. I still have no idea how I managed that one. Not one of my finer moments.

Congratulations on managing your anxiety so well. I definitely would have shoved the fried palm hearts in my mouth.

[TeriLynn]

Hey! You're going to be downtown anyway, so come drinking at LJs with me when you're done- no intimidation there, because everyone will be sickeningly drunk. At least maybe a drink or two after work and before you go tomorrow?
Plus, hearts of palm tempura? Goddamn.
-miao.

[Nefariousnina]

HOLY SHIT lol! I know what you mean about Detroit. About 10 years ago, when I was seeing some guy in Royal Oak (I lived in Ann Arbor) I took off to drive over there and ended up in PORT HURON for the love of god. I don't think it's so much the lack of signage as it is the "jesus mary and joseph get off my ass wouldya?" that you're thinking when you're on the highway. So, yeah...i totally know. Good luck tomorrow.

[Deb]

Fake it til you make it baby.....

[squara]

i don't know what it is - like the stars are all in a freaky line causing people who wouldn't normally break out of their molds to break the crap out of their molds.
i'm feeling you, sister. today i was interviewed for my local paper. and photographed. it was terrifying.
(feel the fear. do it anyway.)

[rebecca]

I love that you wrote a whole post about "doing it anyway!" I do the same thing with things I'm anxious about and you just helped me put a name to it.

[Andie D.]

I'm PROUD of you! You should be proud too! It takes a lot to stretch yourself this way. I've been doing the same, and it's usually worth it. Sometimes not until after, but worth it nonetheless!