This, this is a scroller. I'm sort of sorry.

There are a lot of things to talk about tonight and probably none of them will make sense or be worthwhile to talk about while I'm still processing them but, really, when has that stopped me before?

I dropped Max off at Leslie's this morning at 8:45 (Max didn't come home until 5-ish....Leslie is skinny, has four kids 4 and under and adds a fifth one without even noticing it....I'm glad I know her but Jesus I suck) and then drove to my old high school.

I hadn't realized how difficult it would be to go to my old high school, until I drove up and realized I'd stopped breathing and had no heart beat.

Since I didn't exactly want to visit my old counselor while I was dead, I drove around the block. Twice. When I'd revived myself, I parked my car and walked into the building. Once I stepped inside the actual building though, all that anxiety melted away because the building is absolutely nothing like it was nearly 12 years ago.

Which means it wasn't nearly as 'hellfire and brimstone' with that sulfur smell as it was back then.

We talked for an hour or two and I walked away feeling more understood but still wondering what the Hell I want out of life anyway. Am I asking for too much? I'm starting to think so. The great news is that tomorrow is my therapy appointment and that means more Self Analyzing "Fun".

Hooray.

When I got back to the house Logan called and asked how it went. I said, "uhm....good....."

He said, "Let's talk about it later?"

I said, "Okay."

When he walked in the door I was sitting at the kitchen bar listening to Ben Folds and Ben Folds makes me sob even when there are fireflies in the yard, all my friends and all my favorite beers on the porch. SO, you can imagine the effect it had on me tonight.

He said, "Are you listening to Ben Folds so you can cry while dinner cooks?"

I said, "Yes."

Then I cried on his shirt and he's probably spraying 'Shout' on those snot stains right now.

I hate that I know I shouldn't feel this way and I still do.

Medicine here I come.

You may think this was enough of a day. You want a nap now don't you? But no, that wasn't the end of my day. At 1 o'clock as I tried to will my dryer to work (Dryer is dead, repair man comes Thursday.) my phone rang.

I didn't answer, which means I had to make a phone call.

Dutch (and Wood and Juniper)(those are not their real names)(I'm going to be really embarassed to call them only by their internet names for....for ever.) at SweetJuniper is moving to Detroit. And he flew in last night to put an offer in on a townhouse in downtown Detroit. 

They've (Dutch has) written about the Detroit thing in the past and I've always said I can't do it but I love they're doing it and this young family moving to Detroit is not only what Detroit needs but it's also what I need to appreciate Detroit.

Today, since Leslie kept Max all day (because Max is like Logan except he's unfortunately inherited my social anxiety, so I would have been uncomfortable with bringing my sobbing son to meet a stranger), I drove downtown to meet Dutch. We walked through his new neighborhood, and I felt like crying. Because I want to move somewhere new with all the anxiety and the uncertainty.

I want to find my new market and I want to wonder where the playgrounds are and I want to believe in Detroit.

We walked and he showed me the community they (Dutch Wood and Juniper (not their real names)(I know! It freaks me out too!)) want to live in. Logan drove past this place nearly every day for 5 years. I drove past it many, many days after lunch or happy hour and sadly, I never saw it.

Seeing it today made me so glad I've found the internet. That my phone phobia let me return Dutch's call and that I get to see the Detroit new people see.

I know Dutch is wondering if this is the right decision for his family, moving from San Francisco to Detroit? You move from wherever you are to Detroit and see if you don't wonder what you're doing.

But feeling his enthusiasm today, gave me something.

This morning I met my high school counselor and was emotionally wrecked by it.

This afternoon I drove around Belle Isle and watched someone from San Francisco seeing it with new eyes. What has always made me depressed, made me feel hopeful through a new person's eyes.

As we drove along a stretch of Bell Isle Dutch noted, as we looked at the Ambassador Bridge and the Ren Cen, "It just doesn't look like a burnt out city from here."

I want to see Detroit from there. I saw it today, but I want to see it all the time.

I want to see myself the way my high school counselor sees me all the time, not just when I'm in his office.

I want things to be better than they are now and I don't know if that's a reasonable thing to hope for.

Comments

[MelanieinOrygun]

Of course it is reasonable. Of COURSE it is.
Wish I could just give you a hug, but of course, you don't know me from Eve and that might be not only creepy but also difficult all the way from Oregon, so... I'm going to be all upbeat and say that I'm looking forward to the day when you say, "It's better." Because soon I am hoping it will be for you.

[AmyinMotown]

I'm so sorry you're in the depths. Been there, recently. Have some Zoloft and am finding my way out. Have plenty if you want some.

I am excited about Dutch and Wood--I emailed them and told them even though I grew up in the city, I am the ONLY one of the circle of kids I grew up with to have settled here. Everybody else moved to the 'burbs. So it's so exciting to see young families choose to put down roots here, although I can understand why people wouldn't and question our decision almost daily. We may even get to have a "playdate" with Juniper, yay!

(just out of curiosity and because I used to work in his industry, where's Logan's new job? Email me if you can. If it's where I used to work I still know a couple nice and cool people there who would NEVER make him eat at his cube!)

Melissa, it will get better. I promise it will. SSRIs, therapy, and your own resiliency and inner strength will get you through. Promise. I only feel a little bit better and I still want to go make ot with whoever invented Zoloft because when I am not actively sad, I feel like myself again, finally.

[Missy]

Oh, come on...this one was so not a scroller. Great writing. I loved the whole new versus old, bright versus dull metaphor. It's so appropriate for both of you guys right now.

I can't even imagine having to revisit the high school days. Holy shit, my heart started pounding by reading your account of the whole situation (seriously).

I can't say anything that will make it better. I'm sorry. Good luck.

[Deb]

You are going to make it. It gets better again, I promise. You are doing amazing work and still manage to be cute and funny and honest and real. You made it through today and honestly sometimes it is just making it through minute by minute.
How amazing that you got to meet Dutch and Wood and Juniper....The Internet is such a small world. That is how I know you will be good....you DID see it, you felt it, you GOT it.

[Meganann]

Melissa,
You are so hard on yourself that it takes my breath away, although I know a lot of it is simply depression. I wish you could see in yourself what we all see in you. Everyone who comes to this site really wishes you were their friend in real life. We all want to know you and we all think you are an amazing woman. I hope that things start to look better from your point of view soon.

Plus you are way braver than I am for going back to your old high school. I never want to even try to go back. Yikes, gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it.

[msadventures]

Not that this is unique or helpful in any way, but ditto to what everyone else said. You're awesome and brave for working your way through your stuff in spite of your fears. A lot of people can't do it, but here you are. IT WILL GET BETTER, and no, it's not unreasonable to hope for that.

Sending you non-awkward snuggly internet hugs.

[Alice Bradley]

If you go on meds, I will too. Only email me first so we can totally be on the same ones! And then we can, like, compare side effects!

[Fireflower]

To echo everyone else, it does get better. Depression and anxiety are like waves. Just ride the waves through the lows and the highs, eventually you'll find a balance somewhere in the middle. You're not alone.

[alice]

First, Meganann is right. Secohd, it's a totally reasonable thing to wish for. Sadly, reasonable is rarely easy, but you're doing what you need to do to get there. It's more than I've been able to do, and for that, I applaud you.

[erika]

I also agree with Meganann. I would love to be your friend in real life. I would even attempt to not give you an awkward hug.

[Mrs X]

Seconding the agreeing with Meganann.
We never seem to see ourselves as others do.
I wish you could stand in our shoes for a moment to see yourself. You'd be amazed at how incredible you really are. And I think you'd like you.

[Tamie]

Sorry to hear that you aren't feeling up to par lately. I (heart) your blog, and we are happy that you found the internet too. :)

[Lauren Wastal]

Feeling that way myself today.

I'm just trying to remember that it gets better but unfortunately that also means that it can get worse again, too. It always comes in waves.

Take care and I'll be thinking of you in a very non stalker way.

[Momtowolf]

Melissa.....You are one of the coolest people I know on-line....and I'm pretty sure you don't even know me!! LOL

I don't think we can ever see ourselves the way others see us....I always feel guilty about a certain stage in my life that wasn't the most.....well let's say chaste? But someone else said to me the other day....hey everyone does stuff like that at times.....I don't know why but it really made me remember that I'm not who I was at the age of 19 anymore.....I'm me....now at 38.....ya know?

Everyone loves ya Melissa......keep writing and listening to Ben Folds.....I love good music that makes you cry....what's your fav Ben song?

[Andie D.]

This post is a scroller in the sense that one is excited to have more to read and is therefore excited to have a reason to scroll.

My personal opinion is that YOU SHOULD BE PROUD of yourself for taking chances, knowing yourself, and expressing yourself so eloquently. Me? I shut the fuck up and withdraw when I'm down. Can't write. Oh, but I can freakin' cry. My CD is Tory Amos, Little Earthquakes.

My fav. Ben Fold's CD is Whatever and Ever Amen. It takes me through a nice range of emotions that includes one of my favorites, ANGER. Ahhh. Good times. ;)

[far and away the farthest]

Like my high school counselor would remember who the heck I was! When you can't love yourself. try to think about the people who do love you. Sometimes, they are right and you are just wrong. I don't know why the incredible people who love me keep on loving me. So, like a person who is color blind I just have to believe them when they tell me that what looks like red to me is really green.

[Jill Asher]

You couldn't pay me any amount of $$$ to walk back into my highschool..... notta, nothing!

[Sheryl]

"I hate that I know I shouldn't feel this way and I still do"

I feel like this a lot (and I'm ON medication). Thanks for illuminating it for me. When I feel like that, I'm really going to try not to judge my feelings. It only multiplies my bad feelings.