Just so you know....

My brother and his wife joined a swim club this year. They'd always thought it would be too expensive to join a swim club but once they looked into The Riviera Club they realized what I realized long ago: everything in Indiana is free.

Not really free but cheap enough that you'll overlook the fact that there's a church (or three) on every  street corner in the entire state and they don't let children accompany you into the liquor store and your kids can't eat at restaurants which don't have a wall between your table and the bar and you can't purchase liquor on Sundays.

Who do they think they are? Utah?

On Saturday we went to The Riviera Club and I'm not sure I can put into words the joy that is 'Rivi'.

Let's put it this way, the way Logan put it as we sat around the pool as the old ladies nearby put their 'tomato juice' in their 'cocktail shaker'.

"Rivi: Built When Fun Was More Important Than Safety"

In the 1930's, kids got hurt sometimes and when they got hurt they realized what they'd done was a really bad idea and they didn't do it again.

They have a high dive, NO pools around me have a high dive, they took them out in the 80's when people started to realize you could sue people when accidents happened. (You'll break your neck!) They have metal slides, big metal slides, like the kind you'd find on a totally outdated playground in Detroit. (SHARP EDGES! You'll kill yourself!) These deadly slides are in the water for children to slide down into the pool.  Well, for children or Logan and my brother.

(Overheard: Logan starts climbing the ladder to the big slide, my brother comes up behind him. One kid to another: "Look out everyone! Here comes another adult." Look out, indeed.)

Let's not even talk about the playground. Okay, just for one second, there's this crazy ass contraption on the playground I've never even seen in my life because I think you could get whip lash with it.

I'd like another tagline: "Rivi: Where Everyone Knows That Kids Get Hurt And What The Fuck? Why don't you put your kid in a plastic bubble if you're so worried about it."

We had a wonderful time at Rivi and I even wore a (borrowed) bathing suit and didn't die from it either.

"Rivi: Where you can wear a bathing suit and forget for a moment what a self concious freak you are."

Also, please note: No one was maimed or killed by the dangerous slide or the death trap high dive while we were at Rivi.

Every time I go visit my brother and his wife I come home with a new saying, like "Just so you know..." (Which I might finish with "....those sunglasses make my clothes fly off.") My sister in law has a knack for coming up with little sayings which grab hold of my brain and for the next 2-3 weeks I walk around sounding exactly like her, only less funny.

I sound exactly like her, except I never find myself saying, "Let's send a check to George Bush and hang his picture on the fridge." I will also never suggest you don't need a housekeeper twice a month because once the kids go to school you'll be bathing in free time so why not clean house? (Answer: I have cocktails to consume! I don't live in Indiana.) I also never say (and never will say), "Well I could have ordered a cocktail, but I don't need the calories."

The cocktail thing though explains a lot about the current condition of my body and the comparable (svelte and bronzed) condition of my sister in law's. But still? No cocktail because of the calories? Who do you think I am? Indiana?

Mostly I come back from visiting my brother and his wife thinking how awesome a husband and person my brother is. And sometimes, when we're sitting on their (tastefully decorated) screened porch playing cards and my sister in law is making me laugh until I can't breathe and my brother is doing the same, I look at him and I wonder what my parents actually did right.

Because he's a kind and loving person and he chose an amazing woman to spend his life with who fits him perfectly and, just so you know, our lives could have easily turned out a lot different.

Comments

[Kim E]

I think you look beautiful in the photos.

[Sunny]

For the record, I think that you are a kind and loving person and you chose an amazing man to spend your life with and, just so you know, your lives could have easily turn out a lot different. Except, you know, you're exceptional.

[Justbeachy]

What a wonderful time....I loved the look of the old Rivi Club. Indiana, bahhh.

[PK]

I love this post. I love that you had a great time. You deserve it!

[Sta]

We used to have that same photo of W. on our fridge! And I promise we never sent that schmuck one nickel of our money. I have no idea why he or his campaign people would ever think we wanted his ugly mug to hang in our kitchen... Did everyone get it or what?

[TeriLynn]

I know, right? You both turned out so... normal.What the hell happened to ME?

-miao.

[MelissaS]

Right that's exactly what I meant.

[TeriLynn]

Ha!

[Lisa V]

No, Indiana is not Utah. If they were Utah the would not only have weird liquor laws, but odd underwear.

[rhonda]

What a hoot! Looks like a lot of fun -
The GW photo on the fridge... hahaha

[Macoco]

I love the big metal slide. It's the best thing I've seen all day - I especially like that it's plopped right in the middle of the pool.

[Lena]

As if I had eleventeen hours to read this whole post and look at every damn picture Melissa.

And yet I did. And it will be the highlight of my Sierra Nevada soaked day.

Also, George Bush. (smoooooch)

[Catie]

Oh. My. God. I belonged to the Rivi when I was little and we lived in Indianapolis! I have not thought of that place for YEARS. I played every day on that playground of death while my mom played way too much tennis (poorly) with her friends. Good times. This was the 70's and the Rivi was a kids dream come true.

Thanks so much for an awesome trip into my childhood.

[Mrs X]

I love the big metal slide even more when it's completely soaking wet, making it so damn slippy your bathing suit rides up your ass when you go down.

[ozma]

Your parents did a lot right then. But you made me thank God that my brother is a democrat.

Your thighs are luminous, not translucent. Lumincesent? Oh, I know google saves us in times like this but it seems like a cheat.

Oh, God that swim club looks fun, even if it is a 1950s-dangerous-land-of-white-people way. I am yearning for that pool so bad I can smell the chlorine.

[Emily]

weird liquor laws!! I grew up in Wisconsin, capital of drunkenly watching football. In Wisconsin, there ain't no WALL between kids and liquor. When you are out with your children, the law says you have the right to purchase them alcohol! As long as we keep it n the family...yay alcoholism!! However, I turned 21 in Minnesota which is Wisconsin's uptight little brother. Liberal, but kinda a tightass. My birthday was a Sunday, so after dinner with a friend we walked to the liquor store to find it closed. A fellow 'Sconnie, we were TOTALLY perplexed. We thought there must have been some sort of disaster, or the store went bankrupt or SOMETHING. The idea of a liquor store being closed for a holy day in a state founded by scandinavians didn't really occur to us.

[Emily]

weird liquor laws!! I grew up in Wisconsin, capital of drunkenly watching football. In Wisconsin, there ain't no WALL between kids and liquor. When you are out with your children, the law says you have the right to purchase them alcohol! As long as we keep it n the family...yay alcoholism!! However, I turned 21 in Minnesota which is Wisconsin's uptight little brother. Liberal, but kinda a tightass. My birthday was a Sunday, so after dinner with a friend we walked to the liquor store to find it closed. A fellow 'Sconnie, we were TOTALLY perplexed. We thought there must have been some sort of disaster, or the store went bankrupt or SOMETHING. The idea of a liquor store being closed for a holy day in a state founded by scandinavians didn't really occur to us.

[Deb]

OK Melissa, I am from Chico, CA where Sierra Nevads is brewed and it is my favorite too, so therefore the calories DONT COUNT. They keep me from extreme homesickness here in rainyass Oregon AND now make me feel closer to you....in a nonstalker like way. REally.....

[Jessica]

This was a wonderful story -- how very lucky you are to have a wonderful sister-in-law, and a wonderful brother. My brother used to be the bees knees until he married "Hi, my name is narcissism -- it's ALL ABOUT ME" -- and then he sort of became a different person. And I would not miss his wife for more than about 20 minutes if she where hit by a bus, and that's the God's honest truth. And I hate that I have that loathing in my heart. However, I take comfort in the fact that about 97% of people that meet her feel the same way. And I want to slap my brother. But they have kids, and he's doing his level best. But he's losing, because she is a horrendous person. So, long story short - YAY FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY! HEE!

[MelissaS]

Jessica, are you sure your name isn't Kelly? Because you sound a lot like Logan's sister and her feelings about me.

[ladinka]

I used to live in Indiana (small town even! gag!) for 4 years. I am forever grateful I was allowed to move, I was afraid Indiana was going to eat me alive.

[Nicole Cooper]

Indiana sounds a lot like Oklahoma!!

[Melanie]

We couldn't afford the Rivi membership when we lived in Indianapolis (sniff sniff), but I was able to go there once. I have never been happier to move away from a city/state!

[Sparklykatt]

Oh my god, was the whiplash playground thing a giant strike???

[letajoy]

I am CRACKING UP at your Indiana comments. (Lifelong resident, she says sheepishly) No booze on Sundays sucks and is seriously ridiculous. I haven't been to the Rivi, but it looks really cool. Maybe we can check it out next time we are in Indy. And you go in your swimsuit, girl!

[letajoy]

Now I have to go put my Cheez-its away because "I don't need the calories."