I'm a lesbian....except if I want you to cheat on your wife.

I vaguely mentioned some Logan Branded Jackassery™ last week on my birthday. It kind of ruined my birthday and not for the reason I first thought.

A few weeks ago Logan met with Mr. Handsome for a night out. Mr. Handsome is single, Logan is not. They were at a local bar and Mr. Handsome struck up a conversation with a woman he may have been interested in. With her was a friend, so Logan began chatting with her too. I'm not sure how it came up but he mentioned he was married and this 'lady' (though I use the term loosely) replied, "That's fine, I'm a lesbian."

Logan told me this story and I thought nothing of it, except something along the lines of: "Right...you're a lesbian. Right." Because I'm a skeptical bitch, who thinks sometimes girls like to act as if they like to make out with other women as a way to pique male interest in them. (As evidence: please see all shows on MTV.)

As they chatted they found they had something in common as she is an editor at some publication Logan thought may be of interest to me. He mentioned his freelance work as a graphic designer and my freelance work as a writer and so, they exchanged business cards.

He told me all of this that night and I teased Logan about not knowing when he's being picked up and he laughed it off.

On my birthday Logan and I met for lunch (a lovely perk of the kids being in school...midday private lunches!) and he told me about a really funny email he got from his 'lesbian' friend. Gee Whiz! It turns out she's not a lesbian but is bisexual so maybe they could get together.

He replied how that was all very interesting except he's still married. He wasn't making that up to add to his mystique as the purpose of her 'lesbian' story seems to have been.

So yes, Logan told me this story and I had a lot of emotions about it and I won't bore you with the full spectrum of those emotions. (There was the "Are you Stupid?" thread I mentioned in my earlier post about my birthday and that was a fun time. Believe me.)

I trust Logan a lot and appreciate who he is so his nights out with friends still don't really bother me. I trust him because if I didn't trust him I wouldn't want to be married to him because I don't see the point. I already explained that before and my feelings on the topic still haven't changed.

He didn't cheat on me, had no intent to cheat on me and was up front about the whole thing. So why was I so upset?

After discussing the whole thing with a few friends, I realized what I'm really upset about. Here is a picture of Logan and I when I was 21 and he was 26.

Yes my hair is rather long and lifeless. But my face is fresh and I am thin and tan and full of life. Logan looks like, frankly, kind of a dork.

Here is a picture of Logan and I on our honeymoon. I am 24 and Logan is 29. You can't see it here but I'm very thin and you can see I am full of joy and tan-ness. Logan is rounding the corner of his awkward 20's and looks better than he did at 26. We both look pretty happy and attractive.

Then we had Madison and I stayed at home and I kept it together pretty well. My body changed a little but I still got my hair done regularly and wore clothes that looked good. Then I had Max and I tried to keep up but things started to be a little more difficult to keep up with, but I still did okay.

Then Logan started working at the agency and I came to his office a few times and it was like a campus, a campus full of girls with long blonde hair, Dana Buchman suits and ominously pointy shoes. The men were no better in their designer denim, artfully untucked button front shirts and body
concious polo shirts in retro colors.

Let's not even get started on the photographers he worked with, with their Prada shoes and "Trying to look like I'm not trying too hard' looks. Logan liked this world he jumped into and he started running and he started buying himself his own 'Trying but trying not to look like I'm trying too hard' looks.

In contrast I started to gain weight and the more weight I gained the less I felt like I could even look okay. I was also at home, not in an office surrounded by designer denim and shoes which will poke your eye out.

Logan kept getting more and more attractive and I, well, kept getting more and more beaten down.

Last week, on my birthday, during yet another of what I'm starting to call 'Ugly Weeks' which I should actually call 'Ugly Years' because I've had at least 52 ugly weeks so far, Logan told me how this lady (again, I'm using the term loosely) found him attractive enough to have an affair with.

I sat there across from him in my one pair of well fitting stylish jeans and a v-neck t-shirt, one of the 10 I have which I've worn everyday for the entire summer, in my one pair of summer shoes, with my hair that's way overdue for a new cut and color, with the sagging circles under my eyes and I felt completely used up.

It was never my intent to be that stereotypical 'Mom'. The mom who just lets it all go and becomes worn out. The one who puts herself last and doesn't bother with herself. But here I am.

I don't know when it got this bad. I'll try to make a hair appointment, but then I think of the dozen other ways to spend that money. But then Logan is sure to make his hair appointment every 4 weeks like clockwork. I think I'll go get a few more pairs of my favorite jeans, so I have more than one pair. But then it's fall, and the kids need new jeans. Logan has, literally, ten pair of jeans alone. I know there's a product out there which will help me with these horrible under eye circles and puffiness. But when I research I feel overwhelmed at the thought of spending money on my eyes of all things.

Over the summer when we visited my sister in law, Logan tried on every single pair of sunglasses she had (she's a sales rep to optometrists). The glasses were cheap for what they were, I could have had a pair, a nice pair of sunglasses I'd love. There Logan sat trying on every pair and looking incredibly hot while doing so. I sat there and tried a couple pair of glasses on and thought, 'Why bother? Look at my hair and my stupid clothes and all this weight. Why am I going to bother with cool sunglasses. I have a pair, it's fine.'

I've become my mother.

I thought about this and thought about this all last week. I wondered what I'm going to do about this, about how awful I feel about myself. And as I explained all the ways Logan takes care of himself and pampers himself and makes himself a priority, I thought, "What? I want him to stop being so attractive?"

Is that what I want? I don't even know. I liked him back then, when he wore sambas and jean shorts and glasses with lenses as big as a baby's head. I've never felt more attracted to him than I was then. I'm happy he's happy with himself, but I've loved him the same forever.

So, do I want him to be less attractive? That's a silly thing to want, it makes no sense. "Be less attractive for me honey. Please?" Besides I can't put my happiness on someone else and their actions.

What I'm realizing is that I've built up a lot of resentment toward my husband for making himself a priority, while I continue to be pulled down by my own martyrdom and weight. It's not fair and it's not kind and I'm not happy I've allowed that to happen. But there it is and our lunch conversation about his 'Lesbian' (though she uses the term loosely) friend, forced me to pull it out and look at it a little closer.

I realized maybe the answer isn't asking Logan to sacrifice his designer jeans or regular haircuts for the kids. Maybe the answer is not asking myself to sacrifice those things in the name of motherhood or because I'm too fat so I don't deserve to look good.

This weight isn't going anywhere. I've written and thought a lot about my weight and over time I've come to the conclusion that in life there are priorities and being a size 6 isn't one of my priorities any longer. I'd like to be that weight again, but my body and life have changed and what it would take to be that thin is no longer worth the end result.

I've been trying very hard not to hate myself for making that choice and I've been trying really hard to look at myself after I go to the gym and say, 'You're fine just as you are.' I'm going to have to learn what looks good on this new shape I have and stop dressing as if I have the same body I've had for most of my life.

I have to make myself feel good and I know that buying lots of things will never give you inner happiness. But I do know that caring for myself and treating myself as valuable can only help me be the person I want to be.

At Blogher I eyed these necklaces and I thought how beautiful they are and how I would love one. I asked someone how much Andrea was selling them for and that inner voice said, "No, you don't need a necklace. Not when you could get the kids at least 4 outfits with that money. You'd have a nice necklace but the same stupid hair and the same stupid clothes."

So I didn't buy it.

But then, after my birthday, I changed my mind.

(I can almost hear the click-click-click of frantically created TypeKey accounts with usernames like, "Just Saying!" or "Here's A Thought" or "Duh! Money Doesn't Buy Happiness" or "I'll Say I'm A Lesbian If It Gets Me Into Your Husband's Pants". And I can hardly wait. Though I use the term loosely.)

Comments

[Susan Wagner]

The Superhero necklace will be beautiful on you. Plus, it has all those wonderful magical powers!

Wear it and love it. It's an excellent start.

[Mary]

Melissa I am rooting for you!

My mom retired from teaching a few years ago and since then I've been pushing her to do things for herself - buy a nice outfit, etc. She deserves it as her health has been declining. So what I'm trying to say is you deserve it. Go for it.

[valerie]

Sometimes you just have to do what makes YOU feel good, whether it's getting a haircut/color or buying yourself a new necklace. Yes, you can buy your kids new clothes with that money, but wouldn't they also be better off with a Mom who's happy and fun to be around?

I can't believe I'm quoting Terri Hatcher, but her new book is about the same concept.

Of course, my situation may be a bit different than yours (I'm married, we both work and don't have kids), but I think even if you treat yourself once in a while, in a small way, it's a good thing.

Just my one and a half cents.

For what it's worth, I'm a big fan of your site and your writing, and I think the necklace will look great on you. :)

[Kimberly]

Hooray for pretty necklaces! Which one did you get?

And hooray for deciding to make yourself a priority!!!! I'm just saying ;) But I think that's awesome. And such a good example for Madison to have.

Ok, for what it's worth, you look 12, not 21. And in the other one? Pretty in that "I starved myself" way. I think now in pictures, you look so...you. In photos where you are laughing or just being yourself, you are breathtaking.

[chrissyg]

I can empathize.

Long story short(ened): At one time I looked better (thinner & more fit) than my husband (then guy-who-was-trying-to-get-in-my-pants), but then we got together, he started running and working out to be able to hang out with me more, and I stopped running and working out, and got fatter, and now he is running marathons and I can't get my fat pants done up, and feel ugly. He wears nice clothes and gets his back waxed, and I shop at Old Navy (outlet) and have not even shaved my bikini line in at least 4 months.

So, you are not alone. Reading your website makes me feel not alone.

[LauriefromMD]

I created a typekey account just so that I could tell you that you are awesome. I am in the same boat. . . except for the whole lesbian bar encounter. . . I struggle with the same insecurities with my weight and my transformation from cute, petite newlywed to Frumpy Mama. It is depressing and demoralizing and I honestly do not know what the hell happened to me! Except that I work full-time, I have a 7 year old, and I make no time for myself. There is NO time. I used to have goals and ambitions, and now my sole goal is to get out of bed and take each day as it comes, and then collapse into bed at the end of the day. My husband's attempts to "understand" where I am coming from are sincere, but he just does not "get" it. He is a runner, too, and he knows how to focus on himself, if you know what I mean.

Frankly, your husband is VERY HANDSOME. Men don't look that good in my neighborhood, my office, anywhere. . . . Hell, even his NAME is sexy, for God's sake! Logan Summers. Sounds like a soap opera stud! Anyway, living with such a handsome-good-looking when you feel like the shadow of the former you is very discouraging. But, don't bring him down -- that will just poison your relationship. Bring yourself up. Easier said than done, I know, but it is good advice. Keep going to the gym and get healthy!

Enough rambling. I just wanted to let you know that I am rooting for you. Your excellent writing and your ability to articulate the same insecurities that I feel keep me reading your blog each day. You rock, Melissa!

[msadventures]

Melissa, hon, you are blessed and your family is blessed to have you. Be good to yourself. I can totally relate.

[KidKate]

Hi Melissa,

I've been reading for some time and just wanted to say that that was a really moving post. Buying that awesome Superhero necklace strikes me as a fantastic step in the right direction!

Kate

PS: I work in advertising so I totally relate to the pointy shoed, "premium" denim-wearing madness. It's a lot for a girl to keep up with, even if said girl (me) does her best to pass (though my wide feet never fit into those torture devices anyway)!

[Kim E]

I recall sitting in the dr's waiting room when I was mid-way through my first prgnancy and watching this mother with a new baby and a toddler. She was wearing track pants and a frumpy sweatshirt and had her hair pulled back into a ponytail and no makeup.

I remember thinking, 'Why doesn't that woman take better care of herself? Just because she's a mom, it doesn't mean she has to let herself go like that. It can't be that hard, she must just be a lazy person.'

Fast forward 12 years and it IS that hard. I know that now, and I am that woman. My smallest baby is now five and in school and I'm struggling to undo 12 years of mom-goes-last programming and it's SO hard.

Thank you for sharing. It helps. I'm with you.

[Sarah Cool]

Here's a thought -

This was an awesome post.

Just saying!

:-)

[sveedish]

Melissa,

Your post is where my thoughts have been trying to go for the past few weeks. I'm a new mom with the sad body issues that come post-partum, wishing I could feel sexy again. Ever. I decided that I need to do at least ONE thing each week for selfish reasons. Last weekend I told my husband I was taking the car and I'd be gone for three hours. While he watched the baby, I went for a nice drive, got my eyebrows waxed (man, did that do wonders for my self-esteem), and bought pretty flowers to plant in my garden. And then I spent two hours gardening. I felt so much better after that. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words for me! You are awesome, by the way. I've been lurking for ages. And your necklace is beautiful, just like you are. :)

[Wendy Mac]

Melissa, I feel for you, I really do.

My husband is HOT. He gets hit on ALL the time, by women AND men, that's how hot he is. Me? I'm a huge dork/nerd/geek, and somehow he amazingly loves and adores me the way I am. I trust he would never cheat on me, but it's still brings out the crazy in me when I see him get hit on.

And the wedding ring, well, "lesbians" in disguise just see it as a challenge, those jerks.

Anyway, the OTHER thing, and I know I'm totally going to get crap for saying this, it's totally NOT FAIR that we have that extra burden of being a mom, where we're always more worried about our kids than about ourselves.

People can say it till they're blue in the face, spend time on yourself, etc, but I *still* put my daughter first. If I have the money for only one haircut? Guess who's going to get it?

Why don't the MEN do these kinds of things, why, oh WHY do they not feel the same way we do about parenting?

My husband's clothes take up TWO closets, and his shoe collection would put Imelda Marcos to shame. Me? I wear the same two pairs of shoes I've always worn, and some of my clothes were last in style in the 80's (although, they're coming around again).

Just saying- it's in our nature to put the children first, we can't help it. Or at least, I can't. I'd go to the ends of the earth for my daughter, to get her what she needs to be happy and to be healthy, and I'll be wearing my "Frankie Says Relax" shirt doing it.

Melissa, you are awesome, you are beautiful- and you're a Mom, just like us. That's why we love you!

[chris]

I am married to your what could be your husband's twin. I get it, all of it.

[Pants]

It's easy for a (mostly) self-motivated person to assume that all folks can sail along with their own wind. It's also easy for a person in a long term relationship to unintentionally overlook the importance of TAKING CARE of the relationship and BOTH of its participants. Kids and yardwork and freelance jobs and mortgage payments make it easy to do that. In the same way that people never think they'll look at themselves the way they've cast downward glances at others, I never thought I'd be guilty of relationship neglect. Consciously recommitting to expressing appreciation and admiration, and making it a point to nurture your relationship and your love can never be a bad thing, right... Frequent tune-ups do good things for cars AND marriages.

[GetSheila]

I met you briefly at Blogher so I say with completely unbiased first-hand knowledge that you are a beautiful woman.

And I don't mean in an I-find-you-attractive-because-I-am-a-lesbian kind of way because I'm not a lesbian.

Not that there's anything wrong with being a lesbian. (Unless of course you're just using it as a pick up line in a bar.)

[Court@RespectRx.com]

Melissa, I FEEL for you!!!

I've come to the very slow decision to stop holding on to the size 6 dream of me at 19. I have higher ambitions for the teen girls I work with and so I have to have higher ambitions for myself. Wanting to lose weight is like my bottle. It's so hard to lay it down, no? It's SO hard to organize around something else: Taking care of myself because someone needs too. And not taking care of myself the way I did was a kid with addict parents--not survival-mode-taking-care-of-thyself. (Know what I mean?).

So I know it's hard to find a new approach to "self-care" as my therapist called it. Now that I've turned this corner in mind, all I can say is that I DO feel better (and honestly I look better, too! I can admit it.). When I'm with my 2 BFs from high school who still weigh 110 or less, I slide back a bit to thinking I need to organize my life around hating my body and weight loss prescriptions. But they don't accept their bodies either. So obviously that's not working for anyone.

Also, I find it sad that we don't celebrate our bodies after motherhood and all the amazement of what they've done. And instead are given the message that we have to erase what happened and be pencil thin again asap. Huh?

Anyway, you are an inspiration and this post made my day (As I was thinking of cleaning and emailing 100 people for work stuff vs. going to yoga or even just going to the bathroom for christ's sake!) Thanks!!!

[Sarah]

Holy hell, I just got so depressed. You just put a mirror upto my face and made me take a good hard look at myself. My husband has lost about 10kg, trained and run a half-marathon and now looks the hottest he's ever looked in 10yrs. I.....am about to birth baby no 4 in five years. Me and hottness? Not so much. I think I'll go and get my hair cut.....it's been a while...:)

[Julie]

I'm there with you. I've found myself not helping as much as I should when my husband has decided he wants to go on a diet...if we're both overweight, he'll be stuck with me forever.

I've also realized that I may never be a perfect size 6...or 8...or 10. But we certainly can do little things to pamper ourselves. Those Superhero necklaces are definitely a start. I've also been perusing the selection on Etsy.com. I'm turning 34 next week, and I don't want to shrink into the background anymore.

Each of us is beautiful in our own ways, we just have to find the time and the way to make ourselves shine.

[LOD]

Hey, big glasses are hot hot hot.

During the Awesome Eighties, my specs were as big as cereal bowls. I donated the lenses to the Coast Guard, and many of them are installed in lighthouses along the Atlantic Coast.

[Maria P.]

Hey you know what? You aren't the only one. (((((((((((hugs))))))))

[Lisa V]

Yes, you deserve to give everything to yourself that you give to your husband and kids. And by the way, I do think you're hot. And if I were a lesbian, I wouldn't be hitting on Logan, I would be hitting on you.

[-erica]

I signed up for a Typepad account just now specifically to tell you that you help me every time you post about issues like this. I am currently struggling with depression and weight and "mommy-itis". Even though our situations are different in lots of ways, I usually learn a little bit about myself when I read one of your posts because often it is like looking in a mirror. Thank you.

[hey.kelly]

Here's the thing. I've been reading your site for a long time because you're just fucking cool. We're about the same age, but I'm not married and don't have kids....so I'm not writing to tell you I'm just like you. I am, however, writing to say that you are simply stunning and I think you should do what it takes to make you feel good about you. Because seriously, you're rad.

[Amy]

Well I didn't even know it, but I have a typkey account.

Anyhoo, I'm a lurker but I just wanted to say I feel ya, because my hubby, althought pretty heavy, is perpetually 29, while I, seem to be reaching 40 more quickly than my 34 years should allow. He love me SO MUCH for exactly who I am, so I try not to want to change, but, well...

*hugs*

[Suebob Davis]

It could be worse. You could have a hot husband and NOT be totally amazing yourself. You do know that you're amazing, right?

[aly]

delurking to just say that i'm proud of you for making the decision to put you first. your family will be happy if YOU'RE happy-- and frankly, you deserve it after everything you've been through.

i think the superhero necklace is perfect. in so many ways. :)

[Lady Bug]

This post really hit home with me. I'm way too tired to type out all the different things going through my mind, so I'll just say 1) the necklace is beautiful, and you deserve it; and 2) I hope you continue to take care of YOU. No one else takes care of the Mama. We have to look out for ourselves (and try to ignore the guilt).

[Amy@thefoilhat]

The necklace is awesome. Good for you for getting it! As another woman married to a guy who gets hotter with each passing year, I understand how you feel. I'm older than you (41) and my kids are older too and I find it much easier to do nice things for myself than I used to. Of course for me, it took my husband nearly dying and three hurricanes to wake me up and realize that it's up to me. (LOL I'm a slow learner.) You're going to be fine - be nice to yourself! Like everyone here has said, you are way more awesome than you're giving yourself credit for (excuse the horrible sentence, you know what I mean.)

[ephelba]

It is part of being a good mommy to be good to yourself- you don't have to feel guilty about taking care of yourself. Although, if you're like me, any excuse to feel guilty will do.
My good friend recommended wearing clothes that look good on me at least once a week. She said to think of it as a prescription. Maybe you could think up a similar prescription for yourself, like your necklace (I'm SOOO jealous) only something that could happen more often. Like getting your hair done.

[Amy]

We could be the same person except that you write what I think in my head beautifully and I write like a retarded monkey.

Really, every single thing you wrote about your weight and your feelings about yourself are everything I've ever said to myself and continue to say. I don't know how to end the cycle.

My daughter is almost 14 months old and I still don't have a shirt without stains on the shoulders. I have some lovely stain free burp cloths though.

[rachelthemommy]

Hi Melissa,

First of all I have been reading you for years and I identify with you on alot of issues. I think you are wonderful, and I am glad to know I am not alone with parental frustration. Anyway, Pond's makes an awesome eye cream for dark circles and puffiness. They make a gel also, the gel is actually better, but I haven't been able to find it since I moved. It's less than 10 bucks and worth every penny. Also, as for the wanna be lesbian and her jack-assery, she's just sad. and pathetic. and well I won't go on about things you already know.
Much love.

[rachelthemommy]

One more thing, remember the clothing you wanted from Boden last summer? I totally copied you. AND THEN THEY ARRIVED. TO SMALL.And dammit, I lost enough weight to wear them. THANK YOU : )

[Tami]

Right there with you. Although recently, it occurred to me that maybe part of my problem is that taking interest in myself in a positive way feels too self-centered, too selfish; whereas schlumpy and a bit of a grey mood feel...comfortable. Of course, when I do make an effort, people may compliment me once, but they don't dwell on it. I'm the one who makes it a bigger deal.

I don't think poorly of the women I know who do put effort into themselves, so I don't know why it's such a big deal for me. Or you. Or some of your readers. Can we blame the media? Or W?

[jgsearls]

Oh my God...the email? About how she's not a lesbian but really bisexual? You're right ... so funny! Hold on...gotta catch my breath.

Jaysus, Mary and Joseph, what is wrong with people? How desperate do you have to be to not take "I'm married" as a sign to back the eff off?

I totally agree with Amy's post - you write what I'm thinking and feeling. So thank you. I'm treating my husband like sheeyot because I don't understand why or how he would want to be with me at my current Beluga-like status. I talk myself out of manicures and pedicures all the time - and then, of course, beat myself up about the condition of my nails.

The necklace is perfect. Good on ya for buying yourself such a great birthday present.

[LoriH217]

I also created a TypeKey account just to say this:

I am 3.5 months pregnant with our first baby. Nothing fits ... or worse, what fits looks like sh!t. I did some math and realized my husband is spending about $100 a week on golf and loving every minute of it. He doesn't have guilt or remorse or second thoughts about spending money on things he enjoys. And yet I feel bad about a $50 blow out or manicure? Um, not any more. I went out this weekend and spent without hesitation, much like I'm sure he must. There's no reason for one to splurge and one to skimp. If we go broke, I guess we'll both have to cut back, but I'm done sitting on the sidelines watching him have fun. I hope you are, too! Oh, also, your writing is so honest it's almost painful to read. Whatever else you find fault with, I hope you at least give yourself credit for bravery and honesty. Based on the comments, it seems like you have the courage to *say* what most of us only *think* and that's awesome!

[Lin]

I have been married 38 years. My husband and I were aged 24 and 20 when we married in 1968. I found my marriage the most trying and difficult (for me) when I was in my 30s and so involved with my childrens' lives while my husband was busy growing his career. He was just so vibrant and handsome and I felt so unvibrant and so unbeautiful. Of course it all had to do with the fact that he was into personal development (which can't help but make a person feel good about himself and which benefitted our entire family...I had to remind myself of this when I felt crazy pissed off) and I was into the health and growth of our family. Women hit on him all the time and weirdly, still do. I'm now past reacting to it, but the intensity of my emotions of so many years ago remains a strong memory.

It's tough, kid, I know.

[alice]

Thank you. Thank you for your honesty, and for your bravery in putting it all out there.

I've been doing a half-assed job of putting our art up in the new apartment, because I know we're only going to be here for a few years, and why bother when I can't make the (financial) investment in getting it perfect?

I need to bother because I'm worth bothering over. Thank you for reminding me of that.

(And speaking for the bisexual contingent, that woman's behavior is just beyond the pale. The reason we're stereotyped as lustful jackasses? She's exhibit A. Lord.)

[silvermine]

Oh, I am so right there with you. I think motherhood requires a certian amount of sacrifice. Sacrificing your body to pregnancy/ I mean, it's purposely making yourself horribly fat and giving yourself 9 months of flu symptoms. All capped off with miserable pain and then a little thing that just wants to gnaw on your sensitive bits all day. (Oh, uh, did I mention I have a 6 week old??)

It's sacrifice of your body, your time, your sanity, your personal space (yesterday my 3 year old followed me into the bathroom, commented on what I was doing, and then complained that it smelled. HELLO! If you don't like the smell, stop following me into the bathroom!!!)

But I think some of us don't know where to stop sacrificing. We don't need 10 pars of designer pants, or a necklace, or whatever... but sometimes you do need to treat yourself to something.

I'm currently in a 2-week funk of being pissed off at my husband for just spending money like a drunken sailer. It's making me insane. I want to SAEVE it and do something useful with it, like retire, or go on a trip, or maybe save some of it for a bad year. He, I swear, shops at Amazon on a daily basis....

Argh. They need to stop spending the kid's pants money on themselves. I really do think they do (okay, at least mine does). And we deserve something nice, too.

[sozzled]

I wish I could tell you how beautiful you are, and that you could believe it. But I know how I struggle with my own self image and while repetition isn't the answer it is the best I can do (if you show up in Mpls I'll buy you a few dozen drinks and maybe we'll manage to pick up some gay guys! ;-)

[Hetty]

You know, there's a lot to be said for retail therapy. Seriously. Like any other form of therapy, you don't want to overindulge -- but don't you think that a couple of hours of retail therapy once a week would definitely be therapeutic?

And your post both reminds and inspires me that I need a nice haircut myself. (I feel okay with spending the money but often begrudge the time and energy it takes to redd myself up.) Time for retail therapy for both of us, that's what I say!

[Poppy]

Melissa, I think this proves love is blind, because I really and truly do not see any wild disparity in the relative attractiveness of you and your husband.

Am I the only one who just doesn't see it?

You're both cute, for heaven's sake!

I hereby order you to get your hair done. I had a cut and color and manicure and pedicure, and except for the fact that I spent four hours in a salon, four hours that I'll never get back--I highly recommend it. My hair was just too awful when I went there, but bouncing and behaving when I left.

[jojo]

Hey Melissa,
I'm delurking to post tonight. I don't have children yet, but I can imagine feeling the way that you do in the future.

My experience: My mom didn't take care of herself. I'm not sure she realizes how much I picked up on that as a child, but as an adult, I find that I assume I shouldn't take care of myself either. So, when you take care of yourself, you ultimately do your children a favor in the long run. Especially Madison. So, GO YOU!

The necklace is awesome, and I love your blog. Keep being you!

[Sarcomical]

wow melissa.

you're one hundred percent right. it's time for YOU to let yourself feel worthy of all of those things. because frankly, you are.

i'll be honest. sometimes i've wished my husband would get himself to the gym a little bit and get himself that "look" and give me a reason to feel a little jealous. well, more of one. you know. but would that really make me happier? there's always a different set of obstacles based on where we're at, i guess. you make me really think about that here.

that aside, i know you're not where you may want to be, but i think you're beautiful. and as long as you DO take time for yourself and allow yourself to "indulge" (which is really a bad way to think of it because it implies you don't deserve it i suppose) - let's say treat yourself as good as you treat everyone else in your family - you can only feel more beautiful.

i'm pulling for you to post a pic one of these days of the most fabulous unnecessary pair of shoes (no points required) on those feet of yours.

;)

[tuckova]

On the airplane, if the oxygen masks drop down, you're supposed to put yours on before you help anybody else, even your own children. This is not because you deserve the oxygen more, or because you're meant to be selfish. It's because the only way you are going to survive long enough to take care of anybody else is if you take care of yourself first.

[susies]

"I sat there across from him in my one pair of well fitting stylish jeans and a v-neck t-shirt, one of the 10 I have which I've worn everyday for the entire summer, in my one pair of summer shoes, with my hair that's way overdue for a new cut and color, with the sagging circles under my eyes and I felt completely used up.

It was never my intent to be that stereotypical 'Mom'. The mom who just lets it all go and becomes worn out. The one who puts herself last and doesn't bother with herself. But here I am.

I don't know when it got this bad. I'll try to make a hair appointment, but then I think of the dozen other ways to spend that money. But then Logan is sure to make his hair appointment every 4 weeks like clockwork. I think I'll go get a few more pairs of my favorite jeans, so I have more than one pair. But then it's fall, and the kids need new jeans. Logan has, literally, ten pair of jeans alone. I know there's a product out there which will help me with these horrible under eye circles and puffiness. But when I research I feel overwhelmed at the thought of spending money on my eyes of all things. "

I'm sorry to quote - I know it just isn't "done". But I'm sitting here in complete shock because apparently you live in my head. Which I never realized and it's kind of freaking me out. Except you verbalized me better than I ever could. I'm sad and feel like someone hit me in the chest with a battering ram. This is how I feel, only I didn't ever put it into words that good. Waiting with bated breath for you to figure out what to do now, so I'll know what to do now.

[notexactlyasuperstar]

You are beautiful, and it was good of your husband to catch up! Now you can go around and people can look at BOTH of you.
and...
Everything you wrote about yourself and your choices were just examples of you becoming a more refined soul, knowing that looks aren't really that important, that loving your children and making them feel special now is important.

[DinerGirl]

These are the hardest years for women -- so many competing priorities. And, the faux-lesbian story is yet another reminder that it seemse like women are more hurtful toward other women than men could ever be. Why even pursue a man who is married? That's completely disrespectful to other women, and I just don't get it. If only we'd look out for each other a little more, and stop trying to dick each other over, we'd take over the fucking world.

Hang in there.... you'll be fine.

[Anne Glamore]

Down here we say, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

So you can view doing things to make yourself feel good as benefiting your family.

It's hard to get in this mindset when we're responsible for taking care of everyone else, but it's helpful when I manage to do it.

Now that I've preached to you, I'll get off my ass and make an appt for a massage I've been meaning to get for 5 weeks because of all the stress over here caused by my dad and his wench.

[Anna]

Melissa, I don't know how much this is worth to you, but I'd like to say with all honesty that I couldn't be more with Kimberley and with WendyMac.
Objectively speaking, you are so much more beatiful in your current photos than in the ones you posted. I don't want to hurt your feelings about the other photos, you look pretty in those too, but I would have entirely believed you if you said you were 12-13 in the first one, and you do look worryingly think in the other. The last ones I've seen on you, by contrast, show you as a beautiful, glowing woman. Even if you don't feel like one.

And what you feel like is what really matters in the end... and I found your words in this post very wise and measured. I wish my mother ever learnt to see things this way, instead of spending years feeling awful in her body, denying herself everything, and feeling resentful at my father for making sure that he had all sorts of things he wanted. My father, sure, was too selfish, not giving a second thought either to where the kids clothes will come from or why they should come at my mum's expense rather than at his. But some attention to oneself is also necessary, so that we don't get locked in a depressive state and make others around us unhappy too.

It is so good that both you and Logan seem to be acknowledging the situation for what it is and determined to do your own parts to change it.

[Eileen]

You know the answer, you said as much in your post. You have to take care of YOU, you have to value YOU. Not the person you used to be but the person you are right now! Easier said than done, believe me I know. I am battling with this myself right now. We are important, we have value, we deserve nice things. Now it's up to us to go out and get them for ourselves. Lets try to do it together. Hugs!

[TastesLikeChicken]

I understand that this isn't the point of your post, but if this lesbian/bisexual was worth the salt around the rim of her margarita glass, she'd take one look at you and forget your pretty husband's name.

You? You are so beautiful to me, can't you see?

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.

[Shawnee]

Well, if nothing else, at least now you realize you are not alone!

I am a newlywed, no kids yet, & this has already been an issue. My husband can always find the time & money to do things for himself. He truly can't understand why I get upset when I'm cleaning / doing laundry / running errands & he's out golfing. His point of view is, "Who's stopping you? If you want to go shopping or get a manicure or just sit down & relax for once, do it!" He can't understand that, for most women, it's not that easy. I'm always thinking about what I *should* be doing. But he's right (just don't tell him I said so!) & we all have to put more effort into taking care of ourselves, not just our families.

Beautiful necklace & a great first step!

[marian]

That was a beautifully done post. Wow. I had stopped visiting for a while during the grout debacle and I'm glad I came back.

I don't think it's that you want your husband to be less attractive, I think it's that you're afraid his values have become more superficial than yours.

And yes, it's very easy to slip into the false moral highground of mom-martyrdom. It is still hard for me to allow myself to have something if I believe (and usually falsely so) that it will take anything away from my child. Even now that he's away at college I fucking feel guilty for eating a good meal when I know he's eating dorm food!

[smallstatic]

Melissa,

I have the CHILLS.

I am so proud of you.

You deserve every treat you give yourself to make you feel beautiful on the inside AND outside.

Kick a** mama.

Sincerely,
small static

[carrie]

Beautiful necklace and I'm *so* glad to read that you got yourself one. Wear it often to remind yourself that you are important and you *do* deserve to have nice things.

And I'm really wishing I wasn't at work because I'm really feeling the need to have a good cry after reading your post. It just hits a little closer to home than I care to admit to myself.

[Amy]

I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of "you're amazing," "this was an incredible post," and "that necklace is beautiful!"

And as an additional thought: I sometimes look back at pictures of me from my late teens and early twenties and envy the strong and skinny body I had from years of gymnastics and soccer and the smooth, clear skin, free of wrinkles and pregnancy-induced acne scars. But then I think about how scared and confused that person felt on the inside and I remember that I wouldn't want to swap places with that body if it meant losing the wisdom and confidence I've gained in the intervening years. I'm a better person now than I was then -- happy (mostly) and self-assured -- and I honestly think that's the key to beauty, regardless of what the exterior looks like.

[Mrs Ca]

I have those thoughts and I'm not a mom yet. Mine are more along the lines of, well I could have a bra that actually fits, but that's more money that's not going into the house fund. My husband tells me to just go out and go shopping already, but the guilt! It kills me! I'm definitely destined to be the sort of mom that puts herself last. I don't know if I want that though. I'll have to work on that.

[CursingMama]

I'm surprised people didn't take Typepad down trying to sign up so they could comment on this post - CRAP! I hope (pray) they were kind.

The necklace is wonderful - I hope it makes you feel as beautiful as you are. I note from the picture that Logan is a fan ;)

[homeslice]

Why bother posting when so many others do? No idea, but just wanted to say that I struggle with this very topic a lot on my life, and it was validating to hear someone else put such a face on a feeling.

[Lauren]

ugh.

that hobag is power-tripping on herself.. it's got nothing to do with logan being attractive enough to have an affair with ... it's all about the hobag needing to feel powerful and she's lame enough to have to use sex to get that feeling.

just wanted to set logan straight.

:)

[Velma]

When I look at pictures of my younger self, I'm amazed at how beautiful I was. I'm amazed because I remember feeling so distinctly un-beautiful - thin, but not thin enough, or busty enough, or tall enough, or my waist was too high, my hands too stumpy - whatever, it just wasn't good enough.

Now, I'm 40. I'm getting wrinkles, I'm 75 lbs overweight, I've been dying my hair to cover the gray since I was 26 years old, and I *still* hate my stumpy hands. But I look at those pictures of myself at 22 and think about how much I didn't know, and then I try to transfer that feeling to my current self and be nice to me, because one day I'm going to wake up and be 70 and I don't want to feel sorry for the 40 year old me when I'm older.

OK, now I'm getting all meta on you, but I know you (and all the other amazing commenters) get what I'm trying to express. The tricky part is saving a little energy for yourself, right?

[B'yach]

BRAVO Melissa! I'm proud of you!! It's only been the past few months where I have started to accept myself for the way I am (weight wise) and as I look through pictures I see such a difference of 'how' I look with the clothes I wear. Years of mommy jeans and fleece sweatshirts -- egads - how horrible did I look??? Although my belly is a tad big, the more form fitting shirts look better. (Although I will NEVER show off my fat like so many do nowadays)

We are like fine wine Baby -- we only get better with time. You are beautiful!

[Kelly]

THANK YOU for writing exactly what I've been feeling. My husband is also hot. And I am geeky, overweight, self-conscious, boring, etc -- the opposite of him. And I, therefore, also think I'm not worth spending time or money on because it just won't help fix me enough and because there are so many things our family needs more.
You're writing talent is absolutely unbelievable. I hope you're working on a book.

[Heather M]

Way to take your life back, Melissa. I'm happy for you.

[Chelle]

De-lurking to say, I think you are fabulous. I'm glad that you have made the decision to pamper yourself a little bit because the old adage is true; if momma ain't happy, NO ONE is happy. Besides, you are a fabulous wife and mother, you deserve all the pampering you can get.

[Meganann]

Perhaps bringing up the lady looking to cheat with him on your birthday was a bit of poor timing, at least for anyone celebrating a birthday with a higher number than 22.

However, it is really cool that you realize that you need to stop denying yourself. Women get a lot of pressure to put themselves last, but the problem is, no one else will put you first. I am glad you found what you need.

[Josephine]

I can totally relate, too. For me, not bringing in a paycheque also contributed to the lack of balance. It was okay for my husband to buy his snacks, lunches and coffee at the cafes and restaurants near his office every day but he'd grumble if my child and I wanted to order in or eat out sometimes. (He changed his tune after I discussed it with him.)

Melissa, you have to write a book. A compilation of your most popular, most controversial, etc., posts from your blog would be an excellent start. Get yourself an agent, woman!

[violet]

i just click-click-clicked and created a typepad account so i can tell you how great i think it is that you're working on treating yourself as valuable. you deserve it!

the pictures you posted are great. you look wonderful and happy but honestly, you look so beautiful in the more recent pictures you've posted, too! you seem so vibrant in the pictures of you laughing.

great necklace, too. i'm really glad you changed your mind and got it.

[MoMo]

I feel like I just left a therapy session because my own behavior was made so clear to me. Thank you for writing that. I'm glad you bought that necklace - and I hope you'll go out and buy some new jeans too.

[TeriLynn]

I think you might have gone a little too far with the self-training to not shop. Keep in mind that the Bonster has an interview at H&M, and start praying. We'll be shopping our goddamn pants off! For CHEAP! Also, it wouldn't hurt if you came with us on Sunday to buy her a new interview outfit...
-miao.

[J P]

I don't really have anything thoughtful or even thought provoking to say...I guess I'm just de-lurking to give a "shout out" or an "amen!" to you because this is exactly how I've been feeling. Not that I needed anyone to validate how I felt...but well, it was nice.

I've really been trying to be "okay" with how I look and really try to do more things for myself. I have to battle the feelings of guilt on a regular basis...but I'm hoping that lessens over time.

So...thanks. And the necklace is FABULOUS.

[terri c]

So glad you got the necklace, it's awesome and suits you very well. FWIW I *am* a lesbian and believe me, we don't spend our time in bars hitting on married men (in my case, married men young enough to be our CHILDREN, just saying). You know, the difficulty of making yourself a priority is not just you--it's reinforced in a million ways by cultural expectations and privilege. Don't be too hard on yourself--you ARE just fine, and you really are more full of life in recent photos than in the old. Hope you get some nice jeans too, and makeup if you want it. You deserve it; you're an important member of that family too. You and Logan look very good together!!!

[renee]

Hi, I am very glad you got the necklace. I hope things get better for you, and am glad to see that you work on it and are able to share some of it with us. I can see myself heading this direction (the gaining weight and not doing nice things for myself) so it's refreshing to have you point it out for what it is - bad for us - to not remember how to just like ourselves.

[Nefariousnina]

!!! Once again...are you living my life? I swear, this post is so timely. And it feels like you sucked it right out of my head (i say that loosely...and without any lesbian connotation...whatever)

Thanks, Melissa.

[christy]

I'll say I'm a lesbian if it gets me into YOUR pants, Melissa.

But actually, like a lot of people have said, I am right there with you.

Except I have the added benefit of thinking "Even if I lose 30 pounds, I'll still be ugly, so what's the point?"

I am sure I'm a real joy right now.

[Monica]

In total agreement with each and every post above, love you and your honesty, love the necklace and ordering one for myself, yadda yadda. Now, whydoncha post the email of the (air fingers) lesbian (end air fingers)? Let your dear friends in the computer sort the gal out. She's not only not representing women as a whole terribly well, she's a really lame lesbian. Um, "lesbian,"

[Rob]

Wow--35 comments already. I knew as I was reading this that you'd strike a nerve with every mother who has a computer. I think there comes a point when you have to let yourself be selfish--maybe on a schedule basis so it doesn't get out of hand. Being selfish goes against every rule a good mother lives by, but it's necessary so you don't lose yourself completely. What I see in your post is a pretty hopeful future--you have a great ability to think things through and tackle them head on.

[Sheryl]

Seems like you and Logan are on the opposite ends of the practicality --> pampering spectrum. Neither quality is bad, it's just hard to find a balance.

[IrishGoddess]

Melissa, this is such a well written post. I have lots of things to say about it but I think I would end up writing way too much. So right now I'll leave it at, I think you are an amazing woman, and the kind of insight you have is rare. You are going to figure this out, and at some point I just know you will start loving yourself for that, and for who you are: funny, insightful, beautiful inside and out.

[vetmommy]

Liss, I have been running this post through my mind the last 24 hours since I read it. You so eloquently the slow deterioration of moms' self esteem and appearance. Men don't seem vulnerable to this. I don't know what the answer is, but it is good to hear someone enunciate the problem.

[sara]

thanks for this post. your description of self-deprivation and accompanying self-defeat is spot on. i never leave comments-- in fact, i had to sign up for typekey in order to leave this one. you're not alone. and now i know i'm not either! that's a gift you have given yourself and all your readers, right? it's a gift that fits you perfectly, right now, as you are. again--thank you.

[Missy]

Maybe it's the fact that it's the end of summer and it's cold and the sun isn't out as long during the day...

Whatever it is, your words were spot on. Why can't women treat themselves with more respect and love? Well, some women can, obviously...they're the "lesbians".

[moonrattled]

It's may be a combination of instinct and conditioning to never put yourself first once you have kids, but what's interesting in this beautifully honest entry is your lack of enthusiasm for putting yourself first...like to do so isn't something you need. Maybe it's not, but you're not meant to be used up and sacrificed for the greater good in this family you've created. There's a you there that stands apart from those who depend on you, so don't give up her needs. I hear you about the size 6 but you're wrong about having to be resigned to being overweight. Carrying excess fat is going to change how you feel...that voice inside is insidious. Get your hair done, buy nice things, lose the poundage, do the things that interest you, make you feel light on your feet again, but do it for you. You're worth it.

[AnaBell]

I'm not a mom so every time my mother suffers her martydom I want to shake her. But now that I think it, it most be hard. Because I do that too, the it-doesn't-matter-what-i-buy-i-will-still-be-fugly
but I can't get over it sometimes. But moms have an excuse: why spend so much when kids need x thing.
So good for you! My bday is next Monday, maybe I'll get a new necklace too.

[AnaBell]

I'm not a mom so every time my mother suffers her martydom I want to shake her. But now that I think it, it must be hard. Because I do that too, the it-doesn't-matter-what-i-buy-i-will-still-be-fugly
but I can get over it. But moms have an excuse: why spend so much when kids need x thing.
So good for you! My bday is next Monday, maybe I'll get a new necklace too.

[MelissaS]

Moonrattled: I'm not battling obesity. I simply know myself well enough to know that dieting and exercise aren't going to get me to a place I'm happy with.

Accepting my body as it, exercising as much as I'm willing (3-4 times a week for 30 minutes or so) and dressing it to it's best advantage is really the only way I'm going to feel better about the body I have now. Working on losing weight and then losing some weight has never ever made me feel better about myself. In that picture above, where I look 12, I still thought I needed to lose 10 pounds. I look happier and 'light' on my feet but I still felt fat.

It's funny that you read my post as if I have a lack of enthusiasm for making myself a priority. It must be weak writing because that's not at all how I feel.

I feel like a mental connection has been made that's going to put me further along on my path to self acceptance.

[Mahony]

I think you are objectively just as attractive as your husband. In fact, it's clear from the past pics that he has caught up to YOU on the babe scale (though I also have a weakness for "hot dorky" guys.) You just need to believe it. It's great that you are taking steps to treat yourself well. I want to see more pics of new outfits worn with sass.

Take care.

[terrapin24h]

Ahem...Please note my intent here is not to throw stones, but...

Melissa, maybe your perspective is 180 degrees wrong on this. As I see it(FTR I am a married guy) A grown man Logan's age with kids should not be spending(I would say "blowing") cash on himself when he has a wife and two kids. Perhaps you go down the road you do when looking to treat yourself because of all the money he spends? I don't know how much it is, but weekly haircuts and designer clothes ain't cheap. Maybe *HE* needs to do some re prioritizing and ratchet things back a bit. That money could then be allocated to you and the kids, so you wouldn't have such a guilt complex when wanting to buy a FREAKING NECKLACE(or maybe instead of buying jeans, he comes home with earrings for you). Every person has things they like to splurge on but you have to keep things in perspective. And when you have one person lacking perspective, that forces the other person(if they are the least bit mature--which you are) to compensate for that. I found this sentence particularly impactful:

"...I've built up a lot of resentment toward my husband for making himself a priority..."

You're right that you should not resent him for making himself a priority, but you justly *could* resent him for NOT making his FAMILY a priority.(pls understand I am not saying Logan is a bad husband or father, but just that this seems to be an area where he can improve--we all have them)

Ultimately this is a conversation you should have with him, and let him know that the recent events have helped luminesce what your problem is. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if this is a large underpinning issue to your ongoing battle with depression/self image. The necklace is cool, you deserve it.

--chris

[abqchunk]

http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/09/15/me.time.health/index.html
Here's an article just for you!
You are a beautiful mom, wife and person. Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty for treating yourself every once & a while. You deserve it!

[jt]

My husband has seven jeans. I don't own a pair of seven jeans because I can't justify spending that much money on a pair of jeans for myself.

I found myself nodding my head as I read this. This is how I feel. Thanks for putting it into words.

[Siobhan Mueller]

Everyone feels it.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ih=003&item=130026943317&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWA%3AIT&rd=1#ebayphotohosting

[Siobhan Mueller]

Bad link! Sorry. From the Washington Post this morning.

[MelissaS]

I thought you were showing me your 'treat yourself' item. ;-)

[raine]

oh i know what you mean. i know what you mean. i know know KNOW what you mean!!! i bang my head against the wall over the same things. for example, when i bought myself a new laptop last year, i set a strict budget of $1500 and felt super guilty when I went over and spent $1700. However, when my husband told me he wanted a new macbook, he doesn't even blink or feel guilty when he tells me the $2800 price it will cost. Why?! Why can't I do that and not feel guilty? Why doesn't he EVER feel guilty? This is just one example.. I so know what you mean. I recently bought a new radio for my car and felt SO guilty for wanting it. My radio worked perfectly fine, I just wanted one with a direct ipod connection so that it wasn't staticy all the time from the useless radio transmitter i was using. So of course, I went with the most reasonably price, yet still decent quality I could find - an alpine about $200. I bounced the idea of the $350 one around, but vetoed it... and then it occurred to me that when HE bought HIS car stereo stuff, not only did he get the mac-daddy, but he got new speakers, a amplifier-woofer-sub-whatwhoozits -- THE WHOLE SHEBANG. In his defense, this was back in a time when we had no kids and oodles of money. But honestly, when he does something, he does it up right, and feels no guilt. I just cannot do this. What is it about us that we just don't see ourselves as WORTH IT!? I am doing a lot better lately with this issue, but I know it will always be an issue.

We are worth it, Melissa. I'm so glad you got that necklace. You DESERVE it.

[Crouching Hamster]

I think you need an allowance. But you'll only continue to receive it if you spend it on yourself.

I'm not married and I don't have kids, but I do need a haircut and new contact lenses. I also have to buy three wedding gifts, and I prefer that my cats eat Wellness instead of Iams. So...

Thank you for sharing.

[Lari]

As a working mother of two small daughters (3 and 5 months), I understand how you feel. I used to be chased after, while my husband was bald by 25. Now that he's almost 40 he went out and bought a viper, drives around town in it and gets hit on all the time by those young MTV bisexuals, even with me in the car. I guess they figure the fat girl next to him must be his sister.

In fact, the butt of my pants ripped the first time I went to sit in that damn car. He looks about 5 years younger than me even though he's 6 years older. Baldness and all, it makes him look sophisticated.

I do nothing for myself, even though I have the money to do so, I don't think it's a money thing, for me anyway. It's my kids, I'm the mom, I'm never allowed to be sick, I'm never allowed to go out with the girls, well at least not unless my husband can get a babysister, I get up with them all night, dress them, feed them, bathe them, bed them, there's just not enough hours and not enough energy in the day for me to think about myself. And ignoring myself is easier than dealing with myself in some ways.

I often wonder how in the hell my husband can be attracked to me, yet I never worry about his faithfulness. I know he would never cheat just as I know I will always love my kids. It sounds like your husband feels the same.

[JazzB]

Had to de-lurk...
I can imagine how you felt while Logan was telling you that the "lesbian" thought he was affair worthy. I can. Last week, my SIL was visiting and had not seen her brother since last Xmas. He looks a bit different since I've encouraged him to let his hair grow out and get new rimless glasses. He looks so good that she felt the need to take his picture with her camera phone and send it to her high school pal that harbors a crush on my husband. Yeah, she did this while I was sitting right next to her. WTF?! In her defense, I'll say that I don't think she's aware that I'm acutely aware of her friend's "enthusiasm" over my hubby. What made it worse for me is the realization that I would hate to run into said high school "friend" since I'm still harboring 20 lbs. of blubber since the birth of our two boys.

My youngest and I almost share a B-day next week. Four months ago, I had said to myself, "By the time our B-days come along, I'll be wearing MY pants". Well, that's next week and I know that's not going to happen. My wardrobe sounds similar to yours, a pair of jeans, three pairs of drawstring capris from Target, and 10 Black T-shirts of varying cuts and fits. That's it. I don't remember my last haircut, no, wait, it was while I was still pregnant.

The worst part is that I should look presentable and fashionable since I run my own business. I wrote a newsletter for women on how to maintain their style (or discover it) as life circumstances change (kids, weight, job, money, etc.). Note to self: READ your own advice.

What will make a difference for me is that I recently made the connection that what brings me sadness/madness is that I no longer recognize myself. Here's to rediscovering who we are and possibly getting a new look too! ;)

[ozma]

This made me as weepy as I can get unless horrible tragedy strikes. (I have crying problems where my eyes get kind of wet but I can never go the whole way. But it's hard to choke me up and nothing hormonal is going on now so this is high praise.) I have nothing of use to say on this issue. But your writing got to me. Also, you are truly beautiful and if I were a lesbian it'd be you I'd go for, not your husband. If no one, lesbian or otherwise, is beating your door down this minute they surely would if they got a chance. For your dimples alone.

My husband was not your typical handsome guy and I can't tell because he is so lovely to me but I think he hasn't gotten any more typically handsome. But that doesn't matter because I'm way in love with him and anyone in the world who is as good a person as he is bound to attract a hottie or two or three. (I was a hottie once and he attracted me and I am not the only hottie he's attracted.) I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm the selfish one in the family with all the pairs of jeans and eye cream and the personal spending on trivial items. My husband is the selfless, thrifty good one. My husband did not become hotter with time--I think we've both gained about the same amount of weight. Yet, it still sucks that I'm fattish now when I once was thin and beautiful and it sucks more for me than for him (I'm trying to think of a charming euphemism for fat. Why aren't there any?). My reasons why it sucks seem different from yours (my career mainly) and I've been thinking about this problem of beauty loss so much lately. It might be one of those unavoidably sucky aspects of life like dental surgery, having a boss or death. There's feminism and we can deconstruct this shit til the cows come home but it still sucks.

[moonrattled]

I'm sorry; it seems my comment gave you a bad impression of my impression of your entry. I didn't conclude from anything you wrote, nor did I use the word "obesity." I honestly thought you meant you had gained weight in excess of what you're comfortable physically being. I wasn't judging how much weight or the weight you should be. In my "youth" I too was a size 4-6 and now that I'm older I'm more like an 8-10 girl (and I've never had a baby, just experienced the usual slow down in metabolism that occurs with age). And I'm ok with that. I'm not ok when I creep up past that, not because of image or vanity or a longing to be 20 again, but because I literally become unhealthy when I've accumulated too much waistage (from indulging in too much crappy food). But enough about me.

I liked your post very much. I thought it was poignant and honest and true. That said, I 'worried' that you might have lost enthusiasm to put yourself first, and am glad to know you haven't. Again, my apologies if my comment offended you.

[sclark1013]

Melissa- I'm a long time reader, first time poster (God, that sounds so cornball.) Anyways, I felt I needed to reply since I've been feeling the way you do for some time now. The whole, I won't spend money on myself because there are so many other good uses I can put that money to. I am in desperate need of new clothes and shoes, but still I go without.

Reading your post made me realize that I am worth it and belong on that pedastal right beside my husband and daughter. A new outfit or trinket every few months shouldn't break the bank. Thanks for opening my eyes.

[PK]

Can I change my user name to "I think you're effing amazing and brave?"

[tanyetta]

wow! what a powerful post. i can relate to it on so many levels. i'm so happy that you bought the necklace for yourself. are you planning to get the matching bracelet and earrings too? hope so :)

you know, i showed our family photo to someone and the first comment was: your husband is very handsome! Ummm hello, my kids and I were in the photo too. are we roadkill? see where i'm going with this? i understand where you're coming from.

here's to you kid! you're a fly chick! no ands ifs or buts (no pun intended) about it :) (((hugs)))

[suburby]

Alright I am saying it, this feeling like we're doing something bad by giving to our kids before we give to ourselves is just another way to make women feel shitty. Screw that! If we choose our kids over ourselves then that's a noble choice. FUCKING BRAVA TO YOU! And moms who choose to get themselves a haircut instead of their kids, goddam BRAVA to them, too. Good on you for being kind to yourselves. That's noble, too. We all need to collectively stop feeling badly about our choices. If you choose to buy your kids some new school clothes instead of getting a hair cut, that's totally selfless and really a nice thing to do. Praise yourself for your kindness and generosity. Give yourself credit for that, instead of using it as another point of failure. It's a good thing, not a bad thing. And when you go the other way, then praise yourself for being kind you. It's like we are agreeing that no matter what we do, we'll feel shitty about it, because we're moms and feeling shitty about choices is our job. But in reality, it's that thinking (not the new shoes) that causes the problem.

[CinAA]

Oh my God, Melissa. Do you ever come to Ann Arbor? We could drink together and try to goad one another out of being so lame. I am in the exact same spot, and it's as if I feel I have to do EVERYTHING in order to do ANYTHING. Why get my haircut, because my skin looks like hell anyway? So what if these jeans are tight in the waist and yet baggy in the ass (how do they manage to be so unflattering?) when my hair and face look so bad.

Good for you for buying the necklace. I'll go call to make a haircut appointment.

[tanyetta]

just stopping by to say hello and hope you're feeling super happy and cute today because you are :)

[paravieja]

I feel the same, my baby is 8 months old and I love her to death, but I'm having a hard time enjoying all the minutiae of the day to day existence of a SAHM. Then I feel I am a bitch because I demand a little alone time. I hate buying things because where am I going to wear them? to the playground ,around the park. Excercise has been my salvation, I sweat it out and have lost the baby weight, but I still feel tired and ugly. Good Luck and we deserve nice necklaces, once and a while.

[Punk Rock Mama]

I'm just catching up on a week's worth of backlogs and had to say that
a.) I'm so jealous of that necklace and when you are ready to buy yourself even more goodies I totally know where we should go
and
b.) When I first saw you in real life a few weeks ago, my first thoughts were "Oh, she's so cute and so tiny--I totally can't be her friend because she is so cute and tiny." Leaving aside the ridiculousness of that statement and the subsequent inability to speak to you out loud, I want to emphasize that my first thoughts really were that you were cute, tiny and had amazing shoes. I was especially impressed with the shoes because here you are a MOM wearing kick ass tall shoes to a PARADE. I mean, what says style more? I was wearing flat-ass sneakers, hadn't showered and am still carrying around the weight of an extra person or two (my daughter's one, I have no excuse). And your hair looked good, too. So while I know where all this comes from (we all have that inner voice), I hope you're seeing the bright side now.

[Girl About Town]

Oh wow.

That's ME you are writing about!! I can so totally relate to all of this (last time I had a haircut? colour? new jeans? cannot remember...).

And when I got to the end of your post and read that you'd changed your mind and had bought the necklace, I was ready to open a bottle of champagne!!

Yay you! :) Take care!

And thanks for such a wonderful post.